Chapter 7 - Guildsmaster Ripworth, Director of the Soldier's Boot
It’s not often that I am summoned to the palace. However, I heard there was some incident last night. Even first thing in the morning, rumors are swirling. Some say the king is dead. Others say that the court magician went on a rampage. Still others report that there was a visitation by one of the great flying sky turtles. That last one is clearly false. I would know!
When the summons arrived, it was still early morning. The adventuring guilds are independent of the crown, but it’s good business to maintain a polite relationship. I put on my best suit of armor, add my biggest cape with the guild logo, and head out before even eating breakfast.
As I approach the palace gate, I see I am not alone. There are other guildsmasters as well. Old Marmalade from the Arcane Tower. Utherick of the Peerless Temple. The only major guild missing is Winnifred of the Shadowed Glove. Though, where there are three, there are likely four. She’s sure to be here somewhere, sneaking around. Maybe she’s already inside?
“Ho there Marmalade! Bright and early, what say?”
She squints at me with a frown, the wrinkles of her face falling into familiar lines, “Ripworth, is it? I should have stayed home.”
“You’d miss your chance to parade around!”
She snorts at me as I examine her sparkly magician’s robes and hat. “I so detest all this frippery!” If she wasn’t my own mother, I wouldn’t see through the lie. Only I know how proud she is about her outfit.
“Ripworth. Marmalade. Is now the time for such levity?” These syrupy words came from Utherick. What a charlatan! He seems to think that divine magic requires a stuffy attitude. I should tell him sometime about the night I spent with his sisters. Then, we’d see what sort of attitude he had!
“It’s always time for levity! Right mum? Levity or levitation?”
“Levitation Ripworth. Never enter a dungeon without it.”
“Ah… right! See, Utherick! It’s always time for levitation!”
“Mmhmm. So you say. But I have it on good authority that the king is dead.”
“Oh really? I suppose he’s levitating off to the afterlife?” I take a look at the gate guard. “We’d best get in there?”
“Please follow me.” The guard pushes the gate open and leads us into the palace.
“Hoo-hoo! Look at those holes in the third floor! Isn’t that the throne room?”
“It is, indeed.”
“What could have done that?” I turn to look at my mother.
She pauses and puts one hand to her forehead. “I sense… great power!”
“Hahaha! That’s me, mum! Bet that’s what you said the day I was born!”
Utherick snorts at us. “Even I can sense it up there. There’s a powerful spirit.”
“Spirits? At this time of day? I wish!”
He snorts again. “Not alcohol, you fool!”
The guard leads us into the throne room, at which point, I curb my speech. There’s too many important people here, and I don’t even know who is who. There’s a lot to take in.
First off, where’s the king? Oh, yeah. He’s dead, I guess?
Then why’s the executioner wearing a crown?
Oh! Was it a coup? Seriously? How did that happen?
Next, I notice a big boxy contraption with wheels in the center of the room. I guess it could be a chariot, but I don’t see where you’d hitch your horses.
Huddled near the back of the hall, I see the princess and the third prince. Scheming, I’m sure. Their guard contingents, as always, are glaring at each other. Where’s prince number one and prince number two? Strangely absent.
Finally, there’s two magicians near the front. One is just the court magician… George was it? The other I don’t recognize, but I can see that both my mother and Utherick have turned pale and are shaking with fear. Maybe that’s due to the gaping holes in the wall?
When the king turns to look at us, we bow as a group. Royal contracts are quite lucrative, so each of us wants the best for our own guild.
Once we have the king’s attention, all eyes turn to us. I guess we’re the main attraction? Hopefully, we won’t be the main course!
When he speaks, the king has a nice, friendly voice. Not very kingly, but I suppose that’s actually a good thing? “Hey there! Thank you all for coming. But, shouldn’t there be four of you?”
“Ye’ll be findin’ me right here!” Winnifred, as I expected, had arrived before us. In fact, she was disguised as the guard that led us here. Wow! Talk about snark! I did notice that he was somewhat short, but I never would have guessed there was a little girl underneath the armor.
“Welcome to you too then. Now, as you see,” he points to the strange wagon, “we have summoned a new hero. However, she doesn’t have a career yet. She’ll need a teacher.”
All four of us turn to stare at the motionless box. It is indeed strange. Is the new hero some sort of golem? Do golems even have careers?
“Now then,” the king continues, “I think we should respect Truck-chan’s wishes regarding her new career, don’t you?”
Did he just ask me a question? The king? How unusual! I nod back in agreement. At the same time, I can see my mother and Utherick reappraising the situation. The Grand Kingdom may be in for some trouble! This new king seems like a pushover!
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
As carefully as I can, I glance over toward Winnifred. If someone is going to take advantage of these conditions, it would be her. The Shadowed Glove isn’t known for choosing the straight path. “The Five Fingers of Greed” is a better name.
“Right! So… we’ll respect her wishes!” The king looks up at the ceiling to think. “How about each of you tell her about your guild? Explain what you’ll teach her and how that would work.”
“Ho there!” I jump forward. “I’d better take the lead, since a hero is usually a warrior!”
The golem just sits there, so I move in front to make sure it can see me.
“As a member of the Soldier's Boot, first, you’ll learn proper defense!” I bang on my armor.
“Then, you’ll learn to attack!” I’m missing my sword since it’s not legal to bring a weapon into the palace. Instead, I punch at the air. I was a pugilist several jobs back.
“Lastly, we’ll teach you how to ride… horses! Really big horses, in your case.” All right, that sounded pretty lame. I can see my mother holding her forehead. Winnifred is outright giggling at me.
The king steps forward to my defense. “There are lots of options. I was part of the Soldier's Boot in my younger years! You might even become an executioner yourself! You might like that!”
“Right! An executioner!” I’m a bit confused by where the conversation is going, but if the king thinks it will help, I’m not rocking the boat!
“What do you think Truck-chan?” asks the king. “Do you want to join the Soldier's Boot?”
“BEEEP! BEEEP!” A unexpected sound issues forth.
The king looks to the elderly wizard in the big robes. “Was that two beeps, or one beep two times?”
“Two beeps.”
“That means no, right?”
“Right.”
I sadly step away. If the hero were to join my guild, we’d be taking the 10% membership fee of all the quests and enemies that she defeats. Since heroes do lots of quests and such, that’d be a lot of money. Too bad, but it’s not over yet! I still have a plan!
Once I’ve retaken my prior position, the king speaks up, “Right! Not a warrior! Who’s next?”
Utherick takes the initiative by stepping in front of the huge golem-thing. “My name is Utherick, and I represent the combined will of the Peerless Temple. Our goal is to improve the condition of all men and bring all to holy unity. We do this by …”
“BEEEP! BEEEP! BEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!”
The king looks to the old wizard again.
“Two beeps. Two times. Emphasis added.”
“That means no… and double no?”
“Right.”
“Right! Not a priest! Next!”
My mother steps forward next. She bows very politely to the king and then to Truck-chan. “I welcome you, hero, to our world! I know many things must be new and unusual here. But, the Arcane Tower can teach you the mysteries of the arcane. You will learn things that no other man … or wagon has ever known before!”
“BEEeeeEEP?”
“One beep. Interrogative.”
“That means… yes?”
“Exactly! Yes, with a question mark.”
“Hrrm… the Arcane Tower may continue.”
Marmalade pauses to consider, “The best demonstration is to see it for yourself.” With that, her wizard’s staff appears in her hand. With a swing around her head, and a few chanted words, sparkly green fires spring forth in a circle around her. “You see? This is a simple arcane shield to deflect enemy magics.”
“BEEeeeEEP?”
“Interrogative.”
Marmalade looks first to the older magician and then purses her lips. “Perhaps, Truck-chan, we could allow you to experience it for yourself!” She steps forward and tucks her staff into one of Truck-chan’s strange side appendages. Next, she takes off her hat and puts it on top of the wagon’s canopy.
“There! That looks good! You look like a … mighty wizard indeed!”
The crowd snickers. It’s an obvious lie. Of course, I don’t blame my mum. She wants those membership fees for her guild too.
“Now then. Let’s cast your first spell! It’s just a simple light. All you need to do is wiggle the staff and chant these words “Light bright. Bright light. Please don’t bite me tonight!”
Silence. There is no sound.
“It’s not difficult. Just repeat after me! Light bright. Bright light. Please don’t bite me tonight!”
“Beep BEEEP! BEEP beep! BeeP BeeP BeeP BEEP Brrrp Be-BEEP!”
Unsurprisingly, the spell fails. I don’t even see the first sparkle of power in the staff.
Marmalade looks back to the king, “The first spell is sometimes difficult! She needs more time to practice!”
“Hmm…”
“I could start researching new magics that make better use of her linguistic … eccentricities!”
“Hmm…”
“I could… stop talking and go back to the line?”
“Hmm!” the king nods his head.
Marmalade retrieves her hat and staff and comes back to stand beside me.
“Nice try mum! You almost had it!”
“Hush you!”
The king next looks to Winnifred, “You’re last. Otherwise… we’ll start over.”
“Yessir, and ye betcha, yer majesticness!”
Winnifred cartwheels in front of the golem-thing, somehow shedding her guard’s outfit as she goes. Underneath, she’s wearing a silly black jumpsuit, complete with fake cat ears on top. Worse, there’s rules about weapons in the palace, but I can count at least ten daggers in sheaths all over her body.
“So, yer the new hero, aye? Well, lil’ miss Winnie can teach ye yer stuff! Ye’ll be the sneakiest, dirtiest, meanest hero ever! We’ll get ye some knives for stabbin’ and some kunai for throwin’! It’ll be great! Ye’ll be everywhere and nowhere all at once!”
“BEEeeep?”
“That’s a maybe. She’s interested.”
Oh no! Please no! Anybody but Winnifred and her crew! I feel my blood freezing.
The three of us in a line share a worried glance. We have to stop this right now!
I lean over to Utherick to whisper, “Maybe we could combine forces? A holy knight?”
“Whatever you want! Anything but Winnifred!”
My mom leans in to join our shared conversation, “I can help too. An arcane holy knight! I’ll even summon her a dragon to ride on! Anything but Winnifred!”
Unfortunately, we must wait for our turn to speak. The king is focused on the current debacle. Despite the imminent danger, we cannot politely interrupt.
Winnifred must have heard us, because she shoots a wink our way, then nods to the old magician and continues, “Lessee… where was I? Skills! Nobody’s faster than the Shadowed Glove. Nobody sees us comin’! Nobody sees us goin’! We're crossin’ walls at midnight! We’re nickin’ jewels in daylight! We’re knockin’ down ales come twilight!”
“BEEeeep?”
“Please continue.”
“Ahh… hmm. I see yer a fashionable sorta… golem lady. Gotcher pink bow and everythin’! Figure ye’ll get the best outfit workin’ fer us! We can dress ye up in pink fishnet and lace. Ye’ll be the talk of the town and the hit of the party. Or, if yer more formal, ye can do a cocktail dress! Except nobody’s even knowin’ yer there! Ye’ll be all sneaky! The sneakiest!”
“BEEeeep? BEEEeeep? BEEEEEeeeeeeeep?”
Winnifred turns back to the old wizard, “Ye explainin’ that?”
“Hmm… it sounds like she has a specific question. But, she isn’t able to communicate it well with her … unique vocabulary.”
“So yer sayin’ ... what?”
“Just a moment.”
The wizard pulls out a flat black device from his robes, pokes it a few times, then holds it up to his ear. Shortly afterwards, there’s a single short ring from the interior of the wagon.
What follows is a short, one-sided conversation as the wizard talks into his magical artifact. “Haha! Yes! I see! Mmm… yes. I don’t know either, but I’ll ask.”
Winnifred stares at him, but her eyes follow his hand as he puts the device back into his robes, “Ye know now what she’s askin’?”
“I do! She wants to know if you can teach her to climb ladders. It seems she’s somewhat miffed about something that happened earlier today.”
“Ladders?” Winnifred grins back at the giant box, “We’ll have ye goin’ up drainpipes! Better yet, once ye got some tools, ye’ll go straight up the walls!”
“BEEEEP! BEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP!”
The king steps forward, “That was… one beep, three times for emphasis?”
“Indeed!”