Chapter 10 - Guildsmistress Marmalade, Archmage of the Arcane Tower
“You request that the Arcane Tower spend our time to determine what food is appropriate for Truck-chan?” I tap my foot impatiently from within my pajamas.
I have no idea how Winnifred snuck into my bedroom to wake me before breakfast, but here she is. Worse, now she knows that I wear fluffy rabbit footies.
“Aye! I’m guessin’ all sorts of stuff for her, but it’s all nae use!”
“What have you tried?”
“Cheesecake. Ramen. Beef. Cabbage. Chicken. Rice. Bread. Ye name it!”
“I see. You expected the golem hero to consume human food?”
“Well… yeah! What’re ye thinkin’ she eats? Oh, blood?”
“Blood? I hope not! Besides, if that were the case, wasn't there plenty of blood on the battlefield? Are you suggesting our hero cannot even feed herself?”
“Maybe she’s needin’ HUMAN blood! She’s been killin’ heroes right?”
“True …. but in that case, wouldn’t she have murdered someone already?”
“Ah! Guessin’ yer right. Still, don’t ye think ye can help?”
“Five percent.”
“Ehh?”
“Your guild is getting ten percent of Truck-chan’s loot, right?”
“Aye!”
I narrow my eyes suspiciously. That answer came way too quick! “Truck-chan is getting quite a collection of loot, yes?”
“Aye! She’s gettin’ plenty!”
“... and your guild is taking your ten percent?”
“Aye! Ten percent!”
Still, something feels off about her answers. Oh well… I suppose she’s probably skimming off a little extra. Not my problem. In fact, that benefits me as well.
“You’re taking ten. My guild wants five, so half of that.”
“All right! Ye got yerself a deal!”
My suspicions rise further, but I press ahead. “So… how much would that be?”
“If ye started back at the beginnin’. Ye’d be gettin’ couple hundred harvests.”
A ‘harvest’ is a gold coin representing a year’s unskilled labor. Not a small amount! I suppose Truck-chan just smashed a goblin legion all by herself. That was a lot of wealth just counting the reward money alone. After that, you could sell the metal and other materials. Outfitting armies isn’t cheap!
“So, from this point on, we’ll be getting five percent?”
“Aye!”
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I extend my hand and we shake on the deal.
“Now, I hear you stole that communication artifact.”
“Sure, I nicked it. Was real easy! Almost like that old man was askin’ fer my hands inside his robe.” She sticks out her tongue and rolls her eyes.
“I see.” I choose not to comment. I would not dare disrespect an archmage of that kind of caliber. He must be one of the immortal greats. Or maybe a deathless lich in disguise? In any case, getting robbed by a little girl would probably just amuse him.
“Ye need it? The arty-fact?”
“Yes. I’ll need to speak to Truck-chan.”
Winnifred gives the brightest smile, and pulls the device out from a pocket, “All yers!”
“Wait just a moment!” Red flags and alarms bells are going off in my head. If that wizard comes looking for it, I would probably die! “No, no. You … umm… stole it fair and square! I’ll just be BORROWING it for a few moments.”
“Nah… yer my friend now, so I’m givin’ it to ye!”
“But, it’s yours! I could never accept such a valuable gift!”
“I’m givin’ it! Why are ye sweatin’ now over the small stuff?”
“The device is priceless! How would I ever repay you?”
“Don’t gotta! Figurin’ we’ve been rivals too long! Better bein’ friends, aye?”
It would be impolite to keep refusing her. I suppose I can throw it out with the trash later, so I reach across and accept it from her hand.
“Yer better off hearin’ me warnin’ ye though.” She says as she shows me how to open the artifact’s puzzle lock.
“Ehh? What?”
“Yer gonna have to learn beep-talk.”
"Oh no…"
The device makes an ethereal connection with a click, then a “BEEP!”
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Our first objective is to establish a more efficient method of communication. By setting up a camp at the site, we gain direct access to all of her physical expressions. In fact, the biggest breakthrough comes when we learn that she has innate control over various lights arrayed over her body. Left blinker, headlights, right blinker, high beams. Not to mention the small arms she uses to clear rain from her front view port.
It takes time, but we work out a reasonable code. It’s difficult, although not so cryptic for us magicians in the Arcane Tower. The hardest part is Truck-chan herself. Her memory is poor compared to a trained magician, so we have to keep a cheat sheet pinned on a stand in front of her. However, with practice, her familiarity with the code improves.
The next obstacle is this “gasoline” that she describes. From her explanations, it is a flammable liquid refined from the tarry oozings of the earth. Unfortunately, she does not know the alchemical process herself, so we are forced into experimentation. Knowing that something exists makes finding it plausible. As magicians, we have all the tools we need. Some serve as astrologers, some card readers, and some rune casters.
Despite all our expertise, we might have lost years in useless development and experimentation. But, once she points out the location of the strange mouth she uses to drink in this fluid, we are able to take samples of the fumes that are left inside her throat. Even so, it is such a small amount. We only capture mere droplets, but it is enough.
In the end, it’s all worth it. There are many sleepless nights and dead ends, but we make quick progress once we start using troll blood as an additional ingredient. Not only do we produce her “gasoline,” but our alchemists make great strides in their own research.
For the moment, we can produce only small amounts. It’s just enough to keep Truck-chan running. But we’re scaling up quickly. I can see that this discovery will soon change our world!
Unfortunately, there is unwelcome news as well. Once we establish an effective method of communication, Truck-chan explains that she has NOT been receiving ANY of the income that is taken by the Shadowed Gloves’ looters. Since she has no working hands herself, she is completely dependent upon them for all her needs.
In other words, although my guild is now getting five percent, the Shadowed Glove is taking ninety-five! Poor Truck-chan! This is no way to treat a hero! Something must be done!
On the other hand, she doesn’t seem to care about the wealth to begin with. As long as she gets gasoline, that seems to be her only material desire. With one exception…
Apparently, she wants to be invited to the local dances and parties? And she wants a new dress for each occasion? Is Truck-chan so eager to begin courting someone? Is she looking for a partner? Just what does she want?
I’m not even sure where to start. I find my hand once again drifting to massage the ache behind my eyes. I keep getting these weird mental images of Truck-chan in a wedding dress. Who would she possibly marry? The nearest thing we have to a golem would be my son Ripworth wearing all his armor.
No! That will not be happening. I will not have little handcarts for grandchildren!