[ZERO SPACE]

Shae and Janzo huddled together, whispering a hushed plan. Distant thunder obscured their voices. Rainwater slid down Janzo’s scythe, pouring across Shae’s pistols.

Zydan stretched out his legs, squating from side to side. A light mist moistened his muzzle, outlining him in an aura of fog. Five rings tapped a hasty rhythm against his damp blue cloak.

“Well then,” said Zydan. “Who’s even left?”

Bowman strummed rainwater from his bowstring.

“We are,” said Bowman.

Asira flanked Bowman, severing raindrops with her orange ninja swords. Lanzer followed, his fishy nostrils snorting out condensation. Dane took up the rear, a damp tee revealing a bit too much.

Zydan flaunted a fake laugh.

“Bowman, was it?” asked Zydan. “Didn’t I just beat you up? Twice?”

“You can beat any one of us,” said Bowman. “But not all of us at once.”

Zydan cuffed his chin with three ringed-fingers.

“Fascinating hypothesis,” said Zydan. “Let’s put your theory to the test.”

Bowman notched an arrow –

Asira spun both swords –

Dane raised both fists –

Lanzer raised his only fist –

“So coordinated!” said Zydan. “I guess we’ll see –”

“LIGHT RAY!!”

ZAP

Asira’s blinding beam battered Zydan’s six eyes.

“Confound it!” shouted Zydan. “That obnoxious blinding ability –”

“HONING ARROW!!”

“FURY FISTS!!”

“SUBTLE SLASH!!”

Arrows, fists, claws and swords assaulted Zydan from every possible angle. Ten thousand particle effects erupted into the atmosphere. Blood and wood. Metal and magic. Dirt and dust. Zydan’s body convulsed and contracted. Each impact tore him in ten different directions.

Bowman, Dane, Lanzer and Asira stepped back –

Zydan stood still, still standing. His bruise-free brutoid body glossed in the pale light, lacking any sort of discernable dent.

“Nice try,” said Zydan.

Zydan’s four fists flew forward – one for Bowman, Dane, Lanzer and Asira.

Bowman skipped like a thrown stone across the tower.

“Impossible,” said Bowman. “He has an absurd amount of HP!”

“RAVE REVIVE!” shouted Auron.

Bowman unbroke, breakdancing by Auron’s side.

“Eh, it makes sense,” said Auron. “He is the final boss.”

“Disagree,” said Bowman. “This is ridiculous. He’s a goddamn damage sponge!”

Dane crash-landed on Lanzer –

“CARE STA –”

Bander seized Bez’s snout.

“Wait, idiot!” said Bander. “Save your SP!”

“But Mister Bander,” said Bez. “Dane and Lanzer are really hurt!”

“I know, dummy,” said Bander. “I’ve got this one!”

Bander placed an ice pack on Dane and a bandage around Lanzer.

“I taught myself real-first aid,” said Bander. “I’m ready for this!”

“Holy snap,” said Bez. “You really get into this healer thing. You’re so cool Mister Bander!”

“I know,” said Bander.

Bez sniffled.

“I wish I could do more than just heal,” said Bez. “I want to help somehow!”

“Healing is a lot, dummy,” said Bander. “Don’t try anything heroic. You always mess things up when you do!”

Asira tumbled towards the tower’s tip –

Dalli snagged her with one long arm.

“Dalli!” said Asira. “Good save!”

Dalli shoved her away, both eyes glued to the ground.

“Dalli?” asked Asira.

Asira snapped her fingers in front of Dalli. His snout drooped down. Rain leaked from his lips.

“Dalli,” said Asira. “No, please come back to us. We need you right now –”

Zydan extended one arm –

“ALIGNMENT SHIFT!!”

A green hoop looped around Dalli’s ankles - he acknowledged it with a side eye.

Zydan chuckled with childish glee.

“You’re mine now,” said Zydan. “Dalli, was it? Kill that awful pteranoid!”

Dalli’s donut eyes glazed over.

“Dalli,” said Asira. “Please, don’t!”

He seized his spear, renewed by a sudden mania. Both eyes aimed at Asira. Muscles tensed in his scrawny arms. Veins and tendons bulged –

“Dalli,” said Asira. “No –”

Dalli gritted his teeth.

“Asira,” said Dalli. “There’s something you need to know.”

Asira gripped her swords.

“Me and Chief –” said Dalli.

Dalli hunched over –

“We forgive you,” said Dalli.

A sly smirk curved across Dalli’s cracked lips.

“You betrayed us,” said Dalli. “But we forgive you.”

Asira tilted her head sideways.

“Asira, we’re family,” said Dalli. “Family screws up sometimes. But you still love them. Even when it’s hard.”

Dalli’s spear shook.

“Me and Chief found each other outside of Zero Space,” said Dalli. “I don’t need Zero Space anymore.”

He raised an arm in salute.

“Win this for us,” said Dalli. “Kill that bastard!”

Zydan smashed his ringed-fist through the floor.

“Dalli!” shouted Zydan. “I said, kill her!”

“I heard you the first time!” Dalli snarled. “SHADOW STAB!!”

Dalli stabbed between both of his feet –

A million spears sprouted from the floor, piercing through Dalli’s joints, limbs and organs. His body convulsed, blood streaking across cluttered spines like strawberry syrup on a sundae.

“Dalli!” screeched Asira. “No!”

Zydan’s hefty jaw dropped.

“W-What?” shouted Zydan. “What did you just do? I said kill her! Not kill yourself!”

Dalli laughed with a mouthful of speartip.

“I used my ability to kill Asira,” said Dalli. “But I can start it wherever I want, including on myself. If I die, my ability stops.”

He slid down his own spears, granting Asira one last grin.

“Me and Chief will be cheering on all you lousy kids,” said Dalli. “Give him hell!”

Dalli’s spears displaced into glowing shards, depositing his lifeless body on the ground.

TEAM 1: The Deadly Skulls

Shae Lanzer Umi Asira Chief Bander Dalli DangerFace869 Bowman Wagger Janzo Tambien Auron Parper Kezzle Bez

TEAM 2: Zero Space Gods

Zydan --- --- ---

“Dalli!” screamed Asira. “No!”

Zydan shrugged with all four arms.

“Another unfortunate death,” said Zydan. “Not the one I was expecting, but it will do –”

“JANZO SHOT!!!”

BANG

A glowing blue Janzo-sized bullet fired from Shae’s gun, ripping through cobblestone like a boxcutter in cardboard. Bioluminescent lightning leapt from Janzo’s scythe, latching onto the air and whipping it into a whirlwind. Spectral sparks ignited, then shattered in a supersonic supernova –

SLASH

Janzo warped behind Zydan, scythe high, blue blood streaming from its tip. Lavender light expunged from its edges, severing the sky and skewering the known universe. Stars dripped like teardrops. The galaxy trembled, teetering on collapse.

Zydan stood petrified. Seared scar tissue formed from his belly to his buttocks

“T-That ability,” said Zydan. “What in the world was that?”

“A Janzo Shot,” said Janzo.

“I-Indeed, but how did you do it?” asked Zydan. “I’ve never seen anything like it. That was stronger than a level three. Did you really manage to pull off a level four? Or a level five? On this server?”

“No,” said Janzo. “It’s actually a –”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “Janzo, don’t say anything else. Please.”

Janzo paused.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “You said please.”

Zydan scowled.

“I suppose I’ll have to analyze that later,” said Zydan.

“There won’t be a later,” said Shae.

Shae spun both pistols.

“You’re fucking dead,” said Shae. “Nobody could have survived that shit.”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “But I’m no nobody.”

Zydan’s disjointed joints snapped back into place. Ripped flesh stitched like sewn fabric. He struck a dynamic pose, organs and bones regrown.

“See?” asked Zydan. “I’m feeling just fine!”

Shae’s pistols dangled by his hips.

“No way,” said Shae. “No fucking way.”

Bowman’s bow lowered.

“Impossible,” said Bowman.

Lanzer’s fish eyes grew wide.

“No no no,” said Lanzer. “No boss could have survived that.”

Lanzer’s tongue numbed. Goosebumps gathered across his fishy flesh. His claws rattled like chattering teeth.

“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “Y-You’re cheating. That’s kinda the only explanation. You gave yourself unlimited health! We can’t win!”

A loud crack of thunder rumbled tower walls. Rain slapped along its surface, dribbling into the foggy void below. Frigid winds befell the battlefield, nipping at Deadly Skull flesh.

Then at last, Zydan’s laugh sundered the silence.

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “That is correct. It’s impossible to kill me.”

Cloudy water accumulated across Zydan’s blue cloak.

“I didn’t just give myself lots of health,” said Zydan. “I gave myself infinite health. It’s not cheating if it’s part of the game.”

The Deadly Skulls backed away.

“Facing me was a foolish endeavor,” said Zydan. “I’m not just the world’s greatest designer. I’m the most powerful Zero Space boss in existence!”

Rainwater pooled in Zydan’s four open palms.

“Mortals can’t hope to defeat a god,” said Zydan. “This was a doomed proposition from the moment you agreed to it –”

“Disagree,” said Bowman. “There is a way.”

All heads turned towards Bowman.

“Umi’s suggestion,” said Bowman. “We suffocate you. Oxygen depletes independently from HP.”

Asira’s eyes lit up.

“Oh right!” said Asira. “That’s how we beat Snurmlarrigh the Invincible!”

Auron licked his lollipop.

“Eh, won’t be the most interesting replay,” said Auron. “But it will do.”

Zydan snickered into his rings.

“A worthy plan indeed,” said Zydan. “But you can’t smother what you can’t see. SPECTATE!!!”

He evaporated into the atmosphere.

“This ability allows me to move in spirit form,” said Zydan’s voice. “But its level three version affords me one last advantage - unlike a real phantom, I can still hurt you.”

Shae hunched over, an invisible fist in his belly.

“This is a completely overpowered ability, with no actual counter,” said Zydan. “Yet another merit of my godhood.”

Lanzer floated, then fell with crushing force –

Bander embraced him with a neck brace.

“Who dies first?” said Zydan. “So many options…”

Auron’s lollipop hammered into his own throat –

Bez scurried behind him, performing his best interpretation of the heimlich.

“Janzo,” said Zydan’s voice. “That is your name, correct demonoid?”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

“I can’t allow you to live,” said Zydan. “Not with an ability like Janzo Shot in your arsenal.”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “Wait, Zydan. Don’t do this!”

“You mean, this?”

Janzo’s head twisted off his shoulders with a sickening spinal crunch.

“Janzo!” screeched Shae. “Nooo!”

TEAM 1: The Deadly Skulls

Shae Lanzer Umi Asira Chief Bander Dalli DangerFace869 Bowman Wagger Janzo Tambien Auron Parper Kezzle Bez

TEAM 2: Zero Space Gods

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

Zydan --- --- ---

“Shit!” yelled Shae. “Shit fucking damn it!”

Bander pressed an ice pack to Shae’s busted gut.

“Hold still, dummy,” said Bander.

“And next on the list –” said Zydan.

Bander froze, both eyes bulging.

“Bander?” asked Shae.

“Yes, Bander!” said Zydan. “The most competent and irritating of all your healers.”

Bowman fired three calculated arrows – each zipped through Zydan’s presumed position.

“Zydan, hold up!” shouted Shae, tears welling in his eyes. “Please. Stop this.”

Bander scratched at intangible hands, kicking and clawing at the air.

Bez tugged Bander’s wriggling feet.

“Mister Bander!” screamed Bez. “Please! No!”

Dane spinkicked a whole lot of nothing.

“Eh, Zydan,” said Auron. “This is pretty fucked up.”

“Please Zydan, don’t do it,” shouted Asira. “Don’t take Bander! Please!”

“Your prayers go unanswered,” said Zydan. “You have angered your god. And for that, he smites you!”

Bander bent in half.

TEAM 1: The Deadly Skulls

Shae Lanzer Umi Asira Chief Bander Dalli DangerFace869 Bowman Wagger Janzo Tambien Auron Parper Kezzle Bez

TEAM 2: Zero Space Gods

Zydan --- --- ---

[THE HAVEN]

Bander ripped off her headset, heart pounding, eyes open wide. Veins throbbed beneath her wiry black hair. Both fists crashed against her desk.

Janzo reclined in his bed behind her, curled up with a Captain Lair comic.

“Hi Bander,” said Janzo. “Did you get eliminated too?”

Bander hurled her headset sideways.

“No, I did not,” said Bander. “I fucking did not!”

“Looks like you did,” said Janzo.

Bander opened up a console log.

“Fuck you Zydan!” shouted Bander. “You do not mess with a fucking hacker!”

She conjured a chat window.

“Stupid bastard,” said Bander. “You’re going to fucking pay!”

BANDER: @all

BANDER: initiate zero break protacol

BANDER: *protocol

MOONMASK_233: wow oh hey @bander

MOONMASK_233: you doing okay buddy?

CEE_CEE_PLUS_PLUS: hey there!

CEE_CEE_PLUS_PLUS: what??

BANDER: initiate it

BANDER: i need at least three people to help

BANDER: now!!!!

PLENTY_OF_PHISH: Hi @bander that’s a very serious operation. You know you can get in big trouble for that? Very big trouble.

MOONMASK_233: yeah dude, like, game master trouble

BONE_ZONE_69: trouble pooping

--- User Bone_Zone_69 has been issued a five-day ban —

MOONMASK_233: that dude keeps getting unbanned wtf @admin

BANDER: i don’t car!

BANDER: *care

BANDER: and don’t say g*me m*st*r

BANDER: you watching our stream?

BANDER: zydans fucking cheating

BANDER: hes going to kill us all

PLENTY_OF_PHISH: You do realize it could be worse though, right? Much worse.

MOONMASK_233: yeah dude we’re all down to help u

MOONMASK_233: but if your caught, this all comes down on you

BANDER: i don’t care

BANDER: i won’t let my friends die

BANDER: fuck the g*me m*st*rs

BANDER: fuck zydan

BANDER: initiate!!!!!!!!!!

MOONMASK_233: ………

CEE_CEE_PLUS_PLUS: been a pleasure knowing you

CEE_CEE_PLUS_PLUS: RIP in peace

PLENTY_OF_PHISH: Okay @bander if that's really what you want.

PLENTY_OF_PHISH: Initiating

MOONMASK_233: ………………………………………..

CEE_CEE_PLUS_PLUS: Initiating

MOONMASK_233: fuck dude alright

MOONMASK_233: initiating

BONE_ZONE_69: initiating poop

BANDER: okay thanks

BANDER: i’m in

PLENTY_OF_PHISH: Zero Space defenses are delayed. Get in and get out Bander. You know what happens if you take too long.

CEE_CEE_PLUS_PLUS: was nice knowing you @bander

MOONMASK_233: godspeed buddy

--- User bander has left the chat —

Bander palmed a plastic analogue heart-clock tucked away behind her monitor. This wasn’t some lovey-dovey heart - it was one of those gross bulging veiny organs found within the human body. Grim symbolism and a bit on the nose, but Bander knew the stakes; this heart was a harsh reminder.

Bander wound it to the minute mark, then slapped it down in front of her –

…1:00

…0:59

…0:58

She snatched her mouse, eyes bound to her monitor.

“Okay,” said Bander. “Now where the hell is it?”

Rapid lines of code summoned a series of stacked windows. Her mouse pointer shuffled through folders and files. Names and extensions extended across her computer screen:

Dragon.char

Dark Goblin.char

Villager_lostdog.char

Villager_tanner.char

Smith.char

“Come on,” said Bander. “Where are you –”

“Hey Bander,” shouted Janzo. “You want to read comics?”

“Not right now, dummy!” shouted Bander.

“Okay,” said Janzo.

…0:47

…0:46

…0:45

There it was –

ZydanFinalBoss.char

“Got it!” said Bander. “Let’s look at this idiot –”

NPC NAME Zydan_God_Form HEALTH Disabled OXYGEN 100% ATTACK 8 DEFENSE 6 INTELLIGENCE Disabled

“Health disabled?” asked Bander. “So this was literally impossible.”

…0:38

…0:37

…0:36

Bander concocted a few lines of code –

“There we go,” said Bander. “Health re-enabled!”

HEALTH 1,000,000/1,000,000

“Shit, that’s still so much. And that number’s hardcoded. I don’t know how you’re going to do it guys.”

…0:27

…0:26

…0:25

Bander cycled through Zydan’s abilities:

SPECIAL ATTACK 1 Health Bar of Fate SPECIAL ATTACK 2 Translation SPECIAL ATTACK 3 Alignment Shift SPECIAL ATTACK 4 Spectate SPECIAL ATTACK 5 Asset Browse

“Health Bar of Fate, Translation, Alignment Shift, Spectate and – what the hell’s Asset Browse?”

…0:19

…0:18

…0:17

“Shit, shit, I can’t disable these. Damn it.”

Bander accessed Health Bar of Fate.

“Okay, lemme see –”

HEALTH BAR OF FATE Level 3 Power Priority 8 Cooldown 120

“Level three. Dunno what Power Priority means. Cooldown is one hundred and twenty seconds.”

…0:12

…0:11

…0:10

“This should do it –”

Cooldown INFINITE

“Now for your other abilities –”

TRANSLATION Cooldown INFINITE

…0:07

…0:06

…0:05

“Hey Bander,” called Janzo. “You want some instant noodles?”

“Not now!” Bander shouted.

ALIGNMENT SHIFT Cooldown INFINITE

…0:02

…0:01

…0:00

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Bander swatted at her heart clock.

“Shut up!” shouted Bander.

SPECTATE Cooldown INFINITE

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

ASSET BROWSE Cooldown 15

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Fuck!”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Bander jammed her thumb through a custom computer button, forcing an instant shutdown.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Bander struck the heart alarm, beating it until it beat no more.

“Fuck me.”

She collapsed across her computer chair, taking several deep breaths.

“You okay?” asked Janzo.

Bander cleaned her foggy glasses on her sleeve.

“Yeah, mostly,” said Bander. “There was just one ability I couldn’t-t-t –”

Bander stuttered, gazing into her darkened monitor –

Something lingered within its reflection –

It was a figure, far behind her. A faint silhouette, vaguely humanoid, upright by the bathroom door. It’s neck was a little too long, head a little too wide, torso too crooked –

Bander whipped her head back –

Nothing there. Janzo waved from his bed.

“Hi Bander,” said Janzo.

“Hi Dummy,” said Bander.

Bander peeked back at her screen –

The figure now stood halfway across the room, between a couch and a table. Its body rippled like unsettled water, glaring at Bander with glowing green eyes.

“No!” shrieked Bander. “No!”

Bander swiped a coffee mug –

She bashed her monitor. Bashed it until the screen was shattered. And when the coffee mug crumbled, she grabbed a lamp, her mouse, her headset - anything she could find, flattening her flatscreen.

“No!” Bander screamed. “Stay back!”

Bander ripped the monitor free from its sockets. Lights flickered. Electricity hummed. Wires danced as she suplexed the monitor, piledriving it through hard tile.

“Stay the fuck back!” Bander shouted.

Bander hammered the computer screen with both fists –

Again –

Again –

And again.

“Gods, please!” Bander screamed. “Gods, make it fucking stop!”

SMASH

CRUNCH

SIZZLE

“Fuck! Fuck fuck!”

The monitor spewed out circuitry and glass chips.

“I said fucking stop!”

Bander booted her monitor - it crash-landed fifteen feet away, lapping at the air with subtle tongues of flame. Cracked glass stared back at her. No shadowy silhouette. No green glowing eyes. Just a burning hunk of scrap heap ready for recycling.

Bander slumped to the floor, throat dry from screaming, tears seeping down her cheeks –

“Bander,” said Janzo. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” said Bander. “Just fine, dummy.”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

She stomped open her computer tower and snatched her hard drive. Years of hard work resided in that little metal box: her awesome little magicoid healer - her true self. Bander choked back a single tear.

“Bye Bander,” she whispered.

She snapped it across the edge of the desk. Microchips dribbled from the desk’s edge, settling in a sea of beige tile.

Janzo sat on the bed’s edge.

“What’s going on?” asked Janzo. “Are you in danger?”

“We all were, dummy,” said Bander. “Doesn’t matter. I stopped it.”

“Stopped what?” asked Janzo.

“A game master,” said Bander.

“A what?” asked Janzo.

“Nevermind, dummy,” said Bander. “Don’t ever mention this again.”

“Okay,” said Janzo.

Bander flopped across Janzo’s bed, burying her face in a pillow.

Janzo slurped down a piping hot cup of noodles.

“Smells good,” said Bander. “You make me one?”

“You told me not to,” said Janzo.

“Wait, how’d you make that so fast, dummy?” asked Bander.

“I told you,” said Janzo. “They’re instant noodles.”

Bander groaned and plucked the comic from Janzo’s hands. Captain Lair, issue #387. The titular hero posed in a warzone with one foot on a fallen foe, his heroic fist raised like a flag.

She glanced up at Jay and Esara - they remained in their Zero Space headsets, oblivious to the outside drama.

“You think they’re going to be alright?” asked Bander.

“I don’t know,” said Janzo.

“Yeah, well, at least I gave them a fighting chance,” said Bander.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

Bander tossed the comic aside.

“Guess we’re done here,” said Bander.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

“We had a good run,” said Bander.

“It’s not over,” said Janzo. “That’s just Zero Space. We’re still here.”

A sly smile crept across Bander’s face.

“You’re right, dummy,” said Bander. “We’re still here.”

Bander pulled Janzo down –

Janzo fell across her, tossing Captain Lair #387 onto a nearby chair. That was the latest issue. When Shae emerged from Zero Space, there would always be a spot there just for him.