[ZERO SPACE]
Lanzer dove sideways as three white beams cascaded overhead. The first beam splintered a branch longer than Lanzer’s spine. The second shattered a stone the size of his head. And the third cleared a stretch of grass, longer than Lanzer’s body.
A crescent moon rock broke Lanzer’s fall. Rocks like this weren’t formed by nature. At least, not human nature. This rock had what Lanzer assumed was a mouth, sucking in long gusts of whistling air. Lanzer hyperventilated alongside it as sea-anemone grass tickled his legs and tail.
“We’re going to die here,” said Lanzer. “We’re all going to die here.”
Pale lightning crackled above a shaking silhouette. This silhouette didn’t conform to any one shape or size. Sometimes it was bigger, and other times, smaller. Limbs shuffled around its mass, flesh fluctuating, appendages appending. Its only consistent attribute was a glowing white orb in its hand - that orb that aimed forward, letting Lanzer get a nice long look at it –
Syadd’s flail smashed through the small of its back. Or possibly, the large of its back. For all Syadd knew, it could have been the creature’s front. But either way, that hole cut right through the center, collapsing it into a pile of cubic dust.
Syadd’s flail reeled back into her hand.
“Lanzer, you blasted clown!” shouted Syadd. “Get over here and help us fight these things!”
Auron hid behind a tree, suckling his lollipop.
“Eh, we call ‘em strangers,” said Auron.
Four strangers shambled out from scrambled blue bushes.
“STORM SHIELD!!”
Syadd whirling flail slapped away three pale beams. A fourth beam snuck by, shaving off a thin streak of her flesh.
“Argh!” cried Syadd. “What the fuck?”
Fresh blood rolled across Syadd’s exposed muscle, crusting into dark scabs like the edge of a burnt page.
“What the fuck?” cried Syadd again. “What the fuck??”
Syadd fell to one knee, screaming with her mighty brutoid lungs. It wasn’t the scream of a brutoid; it was the cry of a terrified little girl. This girl had been hiding behind Syadd’s thick brutoid flesh for years. But now, some of that flesh was gone.
The four strangers raised their glowing orbs –
“HOMING ARROW!!”
Bowman launched a level two arrow, literally blowing the strangers’ minds. All four fell, white particles scattering in the wind.
Syadd screeched, kneading the ground like a rolling pin.
“Auron!” shouted Syadd. “Heals!”
Auron plugged his mouth with his lollipop.
“I said heals!” Syadd shouted.
“Eh, I can’t,” said Auron. “I told you, those strangers do permanent damage. They’re like Master Valdi’s weapon.”
Syadd gripped her right arm tight enough to stop the bleeding, and all other blood flow.
“It can’t be,” said Syadd.
“It can be,” corrected Auron.
Blood slithered through Syadd’s knuckles, coiling around her fingers.
“No, it can’t be!” Syadd cried.
4..2=e 9- l..2= 4~m+qr..
The Deadly Skulls froze in place. For just a moment, Syadd’s pain subsided, making room for far darker thoughts.
“What was that?” asked Syadd. “What was that noise?”
A new noise overshadowed it. This one sounded like a dynamite-filled freight train crashing into an exploding volcano. At first, it was low and undistinguished, but soon, it was the most distinguished sound around.
Bowman’s gamer senses tingled.
“Move!” shouted Bowman. “Now!”
Bowman’s warning didn’t register with Lanzer’s brain. Lanzer remained stationary, his empty eyes blacker than the storm clouds above.
Bowman swooped forward, scooping up Lanzer –
A colossal beam tore through the forest. Trees, grass, and rocks uprooted, floating in the air as if submerged in hot glue. These objects remained intact for a moment, before an unseen force pulled them apart atom by atom, dissolving them into a pale airey broth.
The subsequent windstorm carried Bowman and Lanzer through a dozen trees and two dozen rocks. Lanzer landed several meters away, then Bowman landed on Lanzer. The two of them wheezed as fluttering flakes of antimatter swarmed by.
Bowman coughed out his first words:
“The hell was that?”
And then his second words:
“Syadd? Auron? Lanzer?”
Lanzer croaked below him, chunks of soil fleeing his fishy fangs.
“B-Bowman,” said Lanzer. “You saved me.”
Bowman scrambled to his feet, kicking Lanzer’s side.
“You should have saved yourself,” said Bowman. “You nearly got me killed too.”
Lanzer bit his lower lip.
“What’s the matter with you?” asked Bowman. “You’re part of this team. We need you.”
“I-I’m useless,” said Lanzer. “We’re all kinda useless. I’ve seen the third wizard. It’s the Glitch Man. We can’t fight him. We’re all going to die.”
Bowman kicked him again.
“Ow,” said Lanzer. “Hey, stop stop stop!”
“Stop whining,” said Bowman. “Why can’t we kill him?”
“H-He’s kinda unnatural,” said Lanzer. “He’s some weird glitch thing. Normal players can’t kill glitches.”
“Disagree,” said Bowman. “Those strangers are glitches and they all go down easy. And you’re not a normal player. You’re a dev.”
“Ex-dev,” said Lanzer. “And I was just a QA Tester. QA only finds bugs. Programmers fix them –”
“I know what QA does,” said Bowman. “I’m a pro-player. Pro-players optimize bugs. That’s how we get good.”
“You’re an ex-pro player,” Lanzer said.
Lanzer earned another kick to the side.
“Zero Space has some fucked-up monsters,” said Bowman. “But they can be killed. That’s the rule.”
“Glitches don’t follow rules,” said Lanzer.
“Disagree,” said Bowman. “Glitches follow rules. Just different rules.”
Bowman hoisted Lanzer to his feet.
“No one understands new content when it drops,” said Bowman. “That’s what pro-players do. We figure out the rules.”
Bowman sifted through his quiver; most of his arrows were still there.
“You’re a QA Tester,” said Bowman. “You know the rules better than anyone. Better than pro-players.”
Bowman rubbed a stick of wax across his bowstring.
“If that weird glitch thing is exploiting the game, then exploit it right back,” said Bowman. “You still have the advantage.”
Bowman’s fingertips massaged wax into the bowstring.
“It’s like any other boss fight,” said Bowman. “We’ll figure this thing out. And then we’ll kill it.”
“Well well well,” said Lanzer. “Other bosses kinda don’t permanently kill you if you lose.”
“Disagree,” said Bowman. “If we fail to kill any of these wizards, everyone dies. We just die more painfully.”
Lanzer gulped long and loud.
Bowman gave his bowstring a quick twang, then spun it to his hip.
“Now help me find Syadd and Auron,” said Bowman. “If they’re alive, we’ll need them.”
Lanzer gave Bowman a reluctant nod
“Bowman, you can be kinda cool sometimes,” said Lanzer. “You’re a lot nicer than everyone says you are.”
“Disagree,” said Bowman. “Your shit-attitude just makes my life harder. Be an intolerable clown on your own time.”
***
Syadd coughed out a lungful of dirt, scrubbing soil from five eyes. Her sixth eye was missing, as was her seventeenth finger. Fortunately, she had plenty of eyes and fingers in reserve. Sharp scrapes ruptured her chainmail, stinging like paper cuts inflicted by giant paper.
“Bowman,” said Syadd. “Are you out there?”
A lanky figure shambled forward in the whirling dust.
“Lanzer,” said Syadd. “Is that you?”
The figure didn’t respond.
“Another stranger,” Syadd muttered. “Blast it.”
Syadd gripped her flail –
“Meh, you don’t look so good,” said the figure.
Syadd groaned - it was Auron; she would have preferred a stranger. There he was, sucking on his lollipop without a care in the world. And that ridiculous sailor suit of his remained as smooth and blue as the ocean water.
“Auron,” Syadd muttered. “How the hell did you dodge that beam?”
“Eh, I just listened to Bowman,” said Auron. “He said move, so I moved. Still sent me flying a good ways though.”
Syadd clutched her finger’s previous location. Little brown flakes of blood dribbled from her stump, avalanching across her palm.
“Heal me,” said Syadd.
“Eh, I can’t,” said Auron. “I told you already,”
“Try,” said Syadd.
Auron shrugged.
“RAVE REVIVE!”
Syadd did a little jig. It was a dainty waltz that no respectable dancer would be caught dead performing. Her finger however remained absent; her eye socket remained empty. And those deep cuts flashed like a neon sign, forming scars that not even a day’s worth of dancing could heal.
“No…” said Syadd.
“Yep,” said Auron.
“No!” Syadd repeated.
Syadd began to cry. It was a deep baritone sob, sending vibrations through Auron’s flesh.
“Eh, well, that’s what you get,” said Auron. “Should have moved, I guess.”
Auron turned away, grasping where his ponytail once existed.
“Maybe stay in Zero Space for now,” said Auron. “If that beam’s like Master Valdi’s dagger, you probably don’t wanna see what it did to you in real life.
Syadd’s tears dried up. A new emotion took hold - a dark dreadful emotion, constricting her heart like a hangman’s noose.
”Eh, look on the bright side,” said Auron. “You still got most of your fingers and eyes.”
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Syadd rose like an oak tree, lumbering towards Auron.
“We oughta find Bowman and Lanzer,” said Auron. “We’ll never last without –”
Auron glanced back –
Syadd stood right behind him. Her hot breath scattered across his face like sauna steam in the frigid air.
“Eh, Syadd,” said Auron. “No offense, but your breath smells like death –”
Syadd’s knuckles smashed against Auron’s cheek.
Auron crashed against wet mud, staining his sailor suit with thirty shades of brown.
“Syadd,” said Auron. “What the hell?”
“This is your fault,” said Syadd.
“My fault?” asked Auron. “Eh, how is this –”
Syadd drove her knees into Auron’s arms. Her fists pulled back –
One punch…
Two…
Three…
Each blow brought Syadd more pleasure than the last. The crackling of Auron’s bones were as satisfying as his agonized cries. How many punches would it take to cave in Auron’s skull? Eight? Nine? Syadd was eager to find out.
“Eh, Syadd, knock it off!” said Auron. “You know I can’t heal myself!”
“Useless healer!” said Syadd. “You can’t heal anyone!”
Syadd shoved Auron’s face into the mud, burrowing his whole head in smothering sludge. Auron thrashed for ten, twenty seconds, before Syadd finally pulled him up for some air.
Auron regurgitated an entire mud pie.
“Syadd!” shouted Auron. “Knock it off!”
“You caused this!” shouted Syadd. “You made me lose my finger! And my eye!”
“Meh, that’s crazy talk!” shouted Auron. “I’m not responsible for that!”
“You voted for Shae!” shouted Syadd. “It’s your fault I’m not raid captain! I would have picked a different team. A different strategy. A different mission! You ruined everything!”
“Eh, you’re still leader of this team!” said Auron. “Leaders gotta adapt. It’s your own damn fault you don’t know how to use what you’ve got!”
“Oh believe me,” said Syadd. “I know how to use what I’ve got!”
Syadd wedged Auron’s face beneath the mud, encasing his head in a slimy tomb.
“Zero Space suffocation takes three minutes,” said Syadd. “In that time, you’ll feel everything.”
Auron’s two frail hands tugged at Syadd’s four massive wrists.
“Pain is minimal in Zero Space,” said Syadd. “But you’ll still taste that mud entering your mouth. Wiggling down your throat. Bouncing around in your lungs.”
Bubbles breached the muddy surface, popping like balloons.
“You’re a useless player,” said Syadd. “Disloyal to me and Master Valdi. You can’t fight. And you can’t heal glitch-wounds. We don’t need you. And if we don’t need you, I’m going to have some fun.”
Auron’s stubby nails scratched at Syadd’s thick flesh.
“I don’t care if Master Valdi watches this replay,” said Syadd. “He dared suggest that you, a useless healer, replace me as Raid Captain? I want him to see how pathetic you are. I want everyone to see.”
Auron went limp. Syadd didn’t care if he was AFK, dead, or just acting dead. This was for her satisfaction, not his.
“Die, you blasted fool,” said Syadd. “Nothing feels better than killing a healer!”
***
Boom Boom Boom
Distant explosions rattled the leaves of Sunlight Forest. Each one was sharp, precise and consistent, like the blast beats of a metal drummer. Parper’s puppy dog ears bounced along to the rhythm.
“Shae,” said Parper. “I believe that’s Wagger’s TNT. She’s alive somehow!”
Shae peered back at Parper.
“Obviously,” said Shae. “And stop getting behind me. You walk in front.”
Parper’s head tilted sideways.
“Shae,” said Parper. “You still don’t trust me?”
“Nope,” said Shae. “I don’t want you disappearing on me again. And I know you’re Valdi’s lapdog.”
“Shae, I assure you, we’re on the same side,” said Parper. “We have the same goals.”
“In front,” said Shae. “I’m leader. So do it.”
Parper sulked forward with sad puppy dog eyes, his fuzzy tail drooping below him.
An audience of dark goblins watched from behind a curtain of trees. Their cherry eyes and radish claws highlighted their raisin faces, sticking out like extraneous ingredients of a Sunlight Forest salad. Easily perceivable. And easy to eat around – Shae smacked his head. His brain was taking this weird salad metaphor too far.
Like a real salad however, those dark goblins made Shae uneasy. One false step into their aggro range and he’d have a true fight on his hands. Shae needed his SP for the wizard - he only had seventeen to spare.
“Shae,” said Parper. “I can’t help feeling like you’re using me like some sort of fuzzy meatshield.”
“Puppoids sense stuff better,” said Shae. “It’s a dog thing. You have better ears and noses. That’s why you sniff butts all the time.”
“That’s a problematic puppoid stereotype,” said Parper.
“It’s not racist if it’s a compliment –”
“You’re still mad about the guild tournament,” said Parper. “That’s what this is about, isn’t it?”
Shae paused, crossing his arms.
Parper let out a deep sigh.
“I suspected as much,” said Parper. “Shae, please understand, I had no choice. I never meant to betray you. Please, let bygones be bygones.”
“Just move,” said Shae.
Parper begrudgingly trudged forward.
“I sincerely want to be your friend Shae,” said Parper. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make you trust me again –”
Parper stopped short, sniffing the air with his black button nose.
“There’s a strange smell in the air,” said Parper.
“Someone’s butt?” asked Shae.
“No,” said Parper. “Unlikely.”
Shae smelt it too; he raised both guns towards a bush. The scent was a thousand flowers, ground up into some sort of petal stew. Perfume maybe? It seemed unlikely to be a goblin; they prided themselves on body odor.
A perky piranhoid popped up, wearing a carnation crown. His cheeks blushed redder than the roses he carried in his basket - an easy feat; they were mostly wilted.
“Hello new friend!” said the piranhoid. “Please buy a flower! Three for fifty rep points, or five for a hundred!”
Parper tilted his head.
“A villager, here?” asked Parper. “How odd!”
“Fuck off, villager,” said Shae.
Shae stepped around him, but the villager shuffled in the way.
“You’re a special customer!” said the villager. “For you, I’ll throw in a little dance. Please buy a flower!”
“I said, fuck off,” said Shae. “No one wants to see your stupid dance.”
Parper’s nose twitched.
“There’s flowers growing near your feet,” said Parper. “They’re far less wilted too. Your value proposition seems questionable at best.”
“You’re a special customer!” said the villager. “For you, I’ll throw in a little kiss! Please buy a flower!”
“Uh, I’m good,” said Shae. “Please, just go away.”
“We can’t help you I’m afraid,” said Parper. “To buy a flower, I’d need to fill out a guild expense report, and there simply isn’t time –”
“You’re a special customer!” said the villager. “For you, I’ll throw in this –”
The villager swung his basket straight into Shae’s sack.
Shae crumpled to his knees, his balls crumbling below him.
“H-Holy shit,” said Shae. “W-What the fuck? I didn’t even aggro you!”
“You’re a special customer!” said the villager. “For you, I’ll throw in an ass-kicking! Please buy a flower!”
A herd of villagers wandered out from the trees - Shae counted nine in total.
“Shae,” said Parper. “I believe we’re surrounded.”
“Obviously,” said Shae. “Great. Guess we gotta fight villagers now too.”
“You’re a special customer!” said the piranhoid villager. “For you, this won’t be a fight. Players don’t stand a chance against aggro-d NPCs. Please buy a flower!”
A tenth villager idled near the back of the pack, his pteranoid snout concealed by an oaken mask, watching Shae and Parper with bold blue eyes. His hands sunk into his straw skirt, disappearing into its deepest recesses.
“Shae, something’s very wrong here,” said Parper.
“Obviously,” Shae repeated
The masked villager’s wings rose like a pair of flags, knocking leaves from neighboring trees.
“Another group of silly players,” said the masked villager. “Fifth group today. I look forward to making you suffer. I am looking for my lost dog.”
The masked villager erected a long glass vial from a dubious place in his undergarments. Pale fluid streamed from its edge, leaking white cubes that bounced across the forest floor like foam blocks.
“We’ll lock you silly players in Zero Space,” said the masked villager. “Then you’ll feel pain like NPCs feel. I am looking for my lost dog.”
“Shae,” Parper whispered. “We should strike first –”
“Hold up,” Shae said. “I know that chemical shit.”
Shae tipped his shades down.
“That’s from the Goblin King fort,” said Shae. “Some goblin-shaman asshole tried to feed it to Dalli before I smoked his ass.”
“Wait,” said Parper. “These villagers are working with the Goblins?”
Various villagers threw a fit of hiccups - Shae assumed they were attempting evil laughs.
“That’s correct, silly players,” said the masked villager. “The goblins have grown dark, and can no longer patrol. Now us villagers must now carry out the Wizard’s will. I am looking for my lost dog.”
Parper scritched his puppy dog ears.
“Goblins and villagers, working together?” asked Parper. “I never thought I’d see the day!”
“This will be the last day you ever see, silly players!” said the masked villager. “Restrain them! I am looking for my lost dog.”
All ten villagers closed in like a singular handcuff, forming a ring around Parper and Shae.
Parper growled, thrusting his dagger –
Shae seized his wrist.
“I said, hold up,” shouted Shae.
The villagers’ arms stretched to their maximum length, wiggling their grubby fingers inches from Shae’s face. Each one reeked of flowers and meat pie.
“These villagers can’t do shit to us,” said Shae. “Not unless we start shit first.”
The masked villager did his best villain laugh - it probably sounded better in his head.
“Silly players,” said the masked villager. “Your logic is flawed. We’ve killed many of you already. I am looking for my lost dog.”
“Nah, your secret’s out,” said Shae. “You said dark goblins can’t patrol, even though you’re all glitching out. I know why. Same reason you have to repeat that stupid villager dialogue.”
“I have no idea what you silly players are referring to,” said the masked villager. “ I am looking for my lost dog.”
“Yeah, exactly,” said Shae. “Too bad for you, my best friend’s a super-smart dragon NPC. He taught me a little something:”
Shae twirled his pistols.
“You’ve all got low intelligence,” said Shae. “Higher than dark goblins, but still damn low. You probably don’t even realize we already started combat.”
The villagers gasped and gossiped.
“Silly players,” said the masked villager. “I think we’d know if we were fighting. I am looking for my lost dog.”
“Yeah, maybe if I attacked you,” said Shae. “But I didn’t start the fight.”
Shae cast an accusatory finger towards the flower-bearing villager.
“He did,” said Shae.
The surrounding villagers released a simultaneous gasp.
“That’s right,” said Shae. “Flower-boy here hit me in the nuts.”
Flower Boy looked positively astonished.
“You’re a special customer!” said Flower Boy. “For you, I will admit that I made a mistake. Please buy a flower!”
The masked villager shook his head.
“That was a silly thing to do, Flower-Boy,” said the masked villager. “Go on then; tear these silly players to pieces! I am looking for my lost dog.”
Shae smirked.
“I don’t think you want to do that –” said Shae.
“You’re a special customer,” said Flower Boy. “For you, I will tear you to pieces. Please buy a –”
Shae delivered a single kick to Flower Boy’s sternum –
Every bone in Flower Boy’s body broke simultaneously. The kick sent him fifty feet backwards into a forty-foot tree, breaking every bone a second time.
“You’re a special customer,” said Flower Boy. “For you, I will say these last dying words. Please buy a flower.”
And then Flower Boy died.
The villagers cried out in terror and rage. But mostly terror.
“What manner of silliness is this?” asked the masked villager. “I am looking for my lost dog.”
“It’s simple, like you,” said Shae. “Friendly NPCs only get boosted if players attack first. Otherwise, they’re weak as hell.”
“That’s a silly rule,” said the masked villager. “I am looking for my lost dog.”
“Here’s a sillier rule:” said Shae. “You’re all in range, so we’re fighting too. That means you’re all weak as hell.”
The villagers uttered a simultaneous shriek.
“That’s right, morons,” said Shae. “Better strike while we’re outnumbered.”
Parper nudged Shae with a fuzzy elbow.
“Shae,” said Parper. “What are you –”
“The silly player is probably right!” shouted the masked villager. “Grab them! I am looking for my lost dog!”
Nine sets of villager hands seized them simultaneously.
Shae grinned a big goofy smile.
“Guess what?” asked Shae. “You fucked up twice.”
Shae twirled his pistols.
“That second rule I just mentioned?” asked Shae. “I made it up.”
The villagers gawked and gaped.
“And you all just attacked us,” said Shae. “RICOCHET SHOT!!”
A level two bullet bounced between eight villager heads. Faces exploded like ripe grapes, craniums burst like inflated watermelons – Shae smacked his head; this was the wrong time to be thinking about food.
The bullet came to a stop in the ninth villager’s face, splitting his wooden mask in half.
He Who Sacrifices Lost Dogs
Shae froze.
“Wait,” said Shae. “What the shit?”
The un-masked villager tackled Shae to the ground, straddling his ribs. There was no bullet hole in his head, just a big blue health bar above it, depleted halfway. A twisted smile sine-waved across the villager’s lips, his eyes crossed in competing directions.
“You know a lot about Zero Space rules, silly player!” said the villager. “But you don’t know enough about Zero Space content! I sacrificed my lost dog.”
The villager pinned Shae with the strength of fifty villagers.
“Your silly rules work on ordinary villagers,” said the villager. “But I’m no ordinary villager. I’m a mini-boss. I sacrifice my dog at the end of my quest. Then you have to fight me. I sacrificed my lost dog.”
Shae struggled to tilt his guns towards the villager, but the villager knocked them away, raising the bubbling white vial above Shae’s head. Foaming cubes dribbed across Shae’s cheek, rolling down his jaw like oblong marbles.
“I’m going to take my time killing you,” said the villager. “I know how to make silly players suffer. Just like silly players made me suffer. I sacrificed my lost dog.”
Shae squirmed, his eyes darting between his surroundings.
“Parper!” screamed Shae. “W-Where the fuck did you go? Help! Help!”
The villager lowered the foaming beaker.
“Hold still,” said the villager. “I sacrificed my lost –”
“FATAL STAB!!”
A glowing black dagger severed the villager’s spine.
He Who Sacrifices Lost Dogs
The villager let out a merry little croak before toppling sideways.
Shaking, Shae stumbled to his feet.
“F-Finally,” said Shae.
“Yes, I do apologize for the delay,” said Parper. “My ability requires being far out of everyone’s view. I hope you don’t mind that I kept you waiting.”
“I-It’s all good,” said Shae.
Parper’s head tilted sideways. Shae shook from head to toe; he was doing his absolute best to hide it, but his nerves were rattling, just like the rest of his body.
Parper knew just what to do: he gave Shae a big fuzzy puppoid hug.
“It’s okay, my friend,” said Parper. “You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”
Shae didn’t hug him back, but he didn’t pull away either. After several minutes, Parper granted Shae his freedom.
“Well then,” said Parper. “I suppose I should take the lead.”
“Nah,” said Shae. “I’ll go first.”
Parper’s ears perked up.
“Wait,” said Parper. “Does this mean you forgive me Shae?”
“Yeah,” said Shae. “Close enough. We’re good.”
Parper wagged his puppy dog tail.
Shae holstered his pistols with a flashy spin.
“And thanks to those stupid villagers,” said Shae. “I have a pretty good idea where that wizard might be.”