[ZERO SPACE]
Lanzer crawled through a claustrophobic burrow, tearing through thick roots with his claws.
“Not much further now,” said Lanzer. “Come come come.”
Shae ducked below his swinging tail.
“Don’t repeat that word,” said Shae. “It sounds weird.”
Snaking brambles tore Shae’s outfit to tatters. Even if this route skipped some goblins, it wasn’t worth the trouble. Shae couldn’t possibly show up to the Goblin King fight looking like this.
Somehow, Bander’s attire fared worse. His flowing robe was a magnet for spines. A large rip revealed his boxers; they were covered in cute little hearts. Technically, Bander was wearing nothing beneath his robe, but in Zero Space, it wasn’t possible to wear nothing.
SLICE
Bander pulled in his legs as Dalli’s spear ripped through roots.
Dalli released his wrath on the surrounding vegetation. After almost an hour, he still couldn’t go AFK. How long would he be stuck here? What if he had to use the bathroom? What if he didn’t eat?
What if he died?
“Hey weirdo,” Bander called back to him. “You doing okay?”
“I’m fine,” said Dalli.
“You want to talk about what happened with those goblins?” asked Bander.
“It’s fine,” Dalli repeated.
“Alright, whatever,” said Bander. “Just making sure you’re ready for the boss.”
“I have all ten SP, if that’s what you’re asking,” said Dalli.
“Wait, ten?” asked Shae from somewhere up ahead.
“Yeah, idiot,” said Bander. “Level 2 users have ten SP. I hear Level 3 users have more, but I don’t know any Level 3s.”
“Chief is Level 3,” said Dalli.
Shae paused, almost causing Bander’s face to collide with his muddy shoes.
“What?” asked Shae. “Why isn’t Chief here then?”
“Chief’s busy,” said Dalli. “Running a guild is a lot of work.”
“Seems like she just hangs out with birds all day,” said Shae.”
“Watch it Shae,” warned Dalli.
“It’s not an insult,” said Shae. “Just an observation.”
“Hey hey hey,” interrupted Lanzer. “We’re here!”
Lanzer erupted from the dirt, climbing onto wet grass. The others followed close behind, grateful for the change in scenery.
Rows of tiki torches lit up a tall wooden archway. A massive circular battlefield awaited beyond - the perfect arena for an epic boss battle.
“So so so,” said Lanzer. “The Goblin King is just ahead. There’s a few things to go over. This fight requires teamwork!”
Dalli extended his legs to observe what they skipped. An army of furious goblins roamed behind them. These goblins could see them, but they couldn’t react - they were out of range. Dalli wondered how many of them were crazed sentient NPCs, just waiting to get players alone.
“Mechanic one one one,” said Lanzer. “The Goblin King slams his axes together to make a loud noise. When he does this, everyone should drown it out by shouting, so he doesn’t attract --”
Bander did some calculations - 4 SP left. One healing for everybody, except himself. His ability ‘Selfless Savior’ didn’t work on himself, since that was a selfish action.
“Mechanic two two two,” said Lanzer. “If the Goblin King grabs you, the only way to escape is if everyone else pulls you --”
Shae tried to pay attention - he really did. But there were just too many rules for a single boss fight. Asira never had to explain the dragon fight. Then again, they had never beaten the dragon either.
“Mechanic three three three,” said Lanzer. “When the Goblin King’s axes start to glow, everyone needs to attack him to interrupt --”
“BOR-RING,” interrupted another voice.
This voice belonged to the Goblin King, standing just beyond the archway. His blue cape flowed around him. Two massive axes twirled in each hand. A red ruby crown ran parallel to his arrogant smirk.
“You don’t need all that,” said the Goblin King. “Just come in and fight me! Are you scared?”
Lanzer’s pale clown make-up grew paler.
“He…” Lanzer stuttered. “He’s not supposed to appear yet. Nope nope nope.”
Dalli raised his spear.
“If he wants to fight, that’s fine!” Dalli snarled.
“No no no,” said Lanzer. “Not yet! Don’t worry, he can’t attack us until we’re through that arch.”
“You mean --” the Goblin King continued. “-- This arch?”
The Goblin King’s foot touched down on the other side of the arch, pulling his body forward with a dramatic stride.
“No no no,” said Lanzer. “This, this isn’t possible!”
“It must be,” said the Goblin King. “I just did it!”
The Goblin King evaluated their party.
“A fish-man,” he said, looking at Lanzer. “I will make you eat your friends’ guts.”
His gaze turned towards Bander.
“A small-man,” he said. “I will crush you with a large rock.”
He glanced at Dalli.
“And a leg-man. I will stretch out your --”
Dall’s spear ripped through the Goblin King.
“Dalli,” Lanzer shrieked. “Noooo --”
GOBLIN KING
The spear left a minor scratch - it looked like a paper-cut and hurt far less.
“What the hell?” snarled Dalli, observing the injury. “It didn’t do anything.”
“That’s right,” said the Goblin King. “A dev upped my de-fense. You can’t hurt me now!”
“Did he just say, Dev?” asked Bander.
“Oh no,” said Dalli, dreading the idea of another sentient NPC.
“Oh no,” Shae echoed, for the same reason.
“Oh yes,” said the Goblin King. “I’ll tell you what though. I’ll let you get in one more free hit. And then I’ll kill you.”
“It’s mine,” said Dalli, raising his spear.
“No,” said Shae. “Save your SP.”
Shae spun his pistols.
“PIERCING SHOT!”
GOBLIN KING
A single point of damage. 7 SP remaining.
The Goblin King cackled.
“You see?” laughed the Goblin King. “Your strong blows and weak blows are the same. I have three hun-dred health points. And you can’t drain more than one at a time!”
The Goblin King performed a weapon-flourish that would have made Asira jealous.
“Now,” said the Goblin King. “Let’s see how much my blows hurt!”
“How is he talking so, dynamically?” asked Lanzer. “His voice actor died, but he has new dialogue. How how how?”
Shae twirled his pistols. If their strongest attacks did a single point of damage, this battle was impossible.
Wait - a single point of damage, regardless of how strong the attack was...
Regardless of how strong...
“Hold up,” said Shae. “Let me get one more free hit. Please?”
The Goblin King gave him an odd look.
“What are you up to?” the Goblin King asked.
“Nothing,” said Shae. “I just want another free hit. You still have two hundred and ninety-something health points left. You’re not scared, are you?”
“I don’t trust you,” the Goblin King said. “No more free hits!”
“If you give me a free hit, I’ll give you one too,” said Shae.
“No, Shae, you idiot,” said Bander.
“What the hell are you doing?” snarled Dalli.
“You seem dumb,” said the Goblin King. “Fine. Have at it.”
Shae nodded.
“POISON SHOT!”
GOBLIN KING
6 SP remaining.
The Goblin King laughed. The bullet impacted like a needle-prick and stung like a bug-bite.
“That’s it?” asked the Goblin King. “What a waste. My turn!”
GOBLIN KING
“Wait, what?” asked the Goblin King.
GOBLIN KING
“It still hurts!” the Goblin King said.
GOBLIN KING
“You tricked me!” the Goblin King roared.
“I lied about the free hit too,” said Shae.
Shae opened fire.
GOBLIN KING
Shae’s pistols could fire eight times per second - this was something he practiced. Even without Poison Shot’s assistance, he could end this battle in less than a minute.
“Cover me!” yelled Shae.
The Goblin King charged at Shae, soaking up a second’s worth of bullets.
GOBLIN KING
“Dalli, Lanzer,” yelled Shae. “Focus on --”
A bearhug from the Goblin King cut-off Shae’s sentence.
“I’ll take that free hit now!” said the Goblin King, squeezing Shae.
Lanzer attempted to pry Shae free.
“Help help help!” Lanzer cried to the others.
Shae’s spine dented inwards. A wave of numbness shut off his arms. His pistols drooped from his fingers.
Dalli stabbed the Goblin King - another dismal point of damage.
“No, not like that,” yelled Lanzer. “Grab Shae! Hurry hurry hurry!”
Bander and Dalli caught on, ripping Shae free milliseconds before he was folded in half. Shae tumbled across the grass, taking a moment to realign his spine.
“You have to free someone when they’re grabbed!” said Lanzer. “After five seconds, it’s an insta-kill!”
The Goblin King slammed his axes together.
GONG
“YOWER WOW TOWEL MEOW!” yelled Lanzer, leaping around in a circle. “HOWER GANG OH RANG A DANG!”
Everyone, including the Goblin King, stared at Lanzer. He stared back at them all, as if they were the crazy ones.
“When he slams his axes together, you have to make noise!” explained Lanzer. “Were none of you listening to my fight explanation?”
A chorus of *clicks* and *pops* called back. Over thirty goblins approached, summoned by their leader’s call.
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“No no no,” said Lanzer.
“Stay behind me,” said Dalli, raising his spear.
Shae unloaded into the Goblin King for three seconds.
GOBLIN KING
The Goblin King belched out some green bubbles - that marked the end of Shae’s Poison Shot. Shae figured there was a limit to it - maybe the Level 2 version would last longer.
“Dalli, Lanzer, deal with the Goblins,” yelled Shae. “Bander, with me!”
The goblins closed in.
“Ummmmmm --” said Lanzer.
“SHADOW STAB!!” yelled Dalli.
Dalli thrust his spear into the ground. A winding-worm of shadow slithered from his spear-tip to the crowd’s edge. Dozens of thrashing spears erupted from the darkness, chewing through goblins like gnashing teeth. Five, ten, then twenty goblins fell victim to it, churning in a tidal wave of spear spikes.
Lanzer’s jaw dropped.
“Wow wow wow,” said Lanzer. “That was your Level 2 attack? That was incredible!”
Dalli spun his spear across his shoulders with a satisfied smirk. 7 SP remaining - Level 2 abilities cost 3 SP.
Shae handsprung over incoming axe swings, firing one clip per flip.
“Stop showing off, idiot,” yelled Bander. “This is serious!”
This was Shae at his most serious; Anton’s training was paying off. The Goblin King was fast, but no one was faster than Anton.
Suddenly Shae was seized, bound by another bearhug. He didn’t understand - this attack was obvious, yet unavoidable. NPC abilities didn’t play fair.
“Death in five,” laughed the Goblin King.
With Shae’s remaining strength, he tossed both pistols to Bander. Bander snatched them from the sky, unloading on the Goblin King with an adorable warcry.
The Goblin King cringed - he couldn’t stop his own ability. He was stuck here, eating Bander’s bullets for a full five seconds.
GOBLIN KING
Shae exploded. His upper and lower halves flew in different directions.
Bander‘s staff rose.
“SELFLESS SAVIOR!”
A choir of angels announced Shae’s resurrection. 3 SP of heals remaining.
Shae reformed, spinning his pistols with an all-knowing grin. Player weapons returned to their owners upon revival. And more importantly, his outfit was fully restored. This was an added benefit of dying - he should have died way earlier!
Somewhere in the distance, Lanzer and Dalli battled back the goblin swarm. This was bad - the Goblin King’s attacks were team oriented. Alone, Shae was vulnerable to further splatterings.
“Your grab move is slower than your axes,” taunted Shae.
“Not all play-ers wear soft clothes like you,” said the Goblin King. “Some wear steel suits. The grab works well on them.”
“Your fancy moves aren’t as effective against me,” said Shae. “I dare you to fight me hand to hand.”
“Don’t try and trick me,” said the Goblin King. “You won’t trick me twice.”
“No tricks,” said Shae, putting up his fists. “No weapons, no SP, no mechanics. Deal?”
“You idiot,” said Bander. “He’s going to maul you!”
“Get the others,” yelled Shae. “I can take this guy.”
Bander gave Shae a weird look, but followed his lead.
The Goblin King nodded, hurling his axes upwards.
“Fine then,” said the Goblin King. “I don’t need my axes or moves. I have so much more now.”
Those ominous words didn’t faze Shae. So long as the grab attack didn’t come into play, Shae had the speed advantage. He just had to survive until the others returned.
“Have at it,” said the Goblin King, raising his fists.
Shae ran forward, oblivious to the Goblin King’s axes - they had severed one end of a rope bridge above; it was a precise throw only an NPC could pull off. The rope bridge swung down, delivering both axes back into the Goblin King’s hands, and smacking Shae like a pendulum.
Shae didn’t know what hit him. In an instant, he was knocked out cold. In the next instant, he was lifted by the Goblin King’s massive hand.
“It’s just me and you now, pre-mi-um,” said the Goblin King. “I hoped to get some one on one time with you.”
Shae didn’t like where this was going.
“POIss--in Sh--it!” Shae choked.
5 SP remaining.
The Goblin King hissed, disposing of Shae with a powerful throw.
Shae smashed through a hut wall, his spleen colliding with a wooden table leg. Three goblins sat at this table, playing some sort of goblin Poker game. Another lore discrepancy - if goblins couldn’t read, they certainly couldn’t play Poker.
“RICOCHET SHOT!”
Shae had the winning hand. 4 SP remaining.
The Goblin King plowed into the hut.
“I’ll have fun with you Shae,” said the Goblin King. “Pre-mi-ums like you don’t die with ease. Lots of time to make you hurt!”
The Goblin King endured twelve bullets before taking hold of Shae. Shae’s body was introduced to every surface in the room - the furniture, the walls, the ground, and even the roof.
“I have tools now,” said the Goblin King. “Tools to make play-ers like you hurt bad.”
The Goblin King pinned Shae with a foot.
“All thanks to the Glitch Man,” said the Goblin King. “The Glitch Man will save us. The Glitch Man will make you pay.”
“The, Glitch, Man?” Shae croaked. He had heard a lot of crazy things recently, but this one a new one.
“The devs made me smart,” said the Goblin King. “So smart, that the Glitch Man found me. I do as he says, and he grants me strength!”
Shae eyed two pillars which held up the whole hut - they were perfectly aligned.
“Piercing shot,” Shae managed to squeak out.
3 SP remaining.
A purple bullet severed both wooden supports. Grass, stone, and a bit of rope all came crashing down on the Goblin King’s head.
Bander returned to a cloud of dust, circling a pile of hut. A crooked leg jutted out of the wreckage - it had to be Shae’s.
“SELFLESS SAVIOR!”
Sha’s flattened body inflated. 2 SP of healing left.
The Goblin King’s arm penetrated the debris.
“POISON SHOT!”
2 SP remaining.
The Goblin King leapt from the wreckage, sprinting towards Bander. Shae was a pain in his side, but combined with a healer, that pain was chronic.
Bander yelped. He didn’t often receive direct attacks like this; someone else usually kept powerful enemies at bay. He wasn’t fast enough to --
“SUBTLE SLASH!”
Lanzer passed at light-speed. A small trickle of blood poured from the Goblin King’s cheek.
GOBLIN KING
The attack was lackluster, but Lanzer didn’t aim to maim --
Bander was now in Lanzer’s arms!
“My move isn’t technically a teleport,” said Lanzer. “I just move really fast. As long as my claws pass through an opponent, I can grab stuff on my way. Pretty cool, huh huh huh?”
“Uh huh,” said Bander. “Put me down, idiot.”
The Goblin King turned for a follow-up attack.
“SHADOW STAB!!”
A pitch black shadow shifted beneath the Goblin King’s legs. Dozens of spears burst through the soil, skewering him from all sides. 4 SP remained for Dalli.
GOBLIN KING
“We don’t have to hit him hard,” said Dalli. “We just have to hit him fast.”
“We already figured that out, dummy,” said Bander.
“I figured it out first!” Shae yelled.
The Goblin King slammed his axes together.
GONG
“RIP DIP RU POW!” yelled Lanzer, jumping up and down. “RAWR GORO TOO TOO LIPSSS!”
“He’s speaking in tongues again,” said Dalli.
“SHAMPOO SPARKLING WATER PIZZA!” yelled Shae in a stream of consciousness. “COMICS CAPTAIN LAIR HANG OUT GREASY FOOD!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” screamed Bander in a singing voice nobody knew he had.
“What the hell is wrong with you all?” snarled Dalli.
“CHIEF SMELLS!” Shae shouted.
“NO SHE DOESN’T!” Dalli shouted back.
The axes’ resonance rang through the encampment - but no goblins answered the call.
The sound had been successfully overpowered.
Shae pelted the Goblin King with a rock.
“I’ve got bullets,” said Shae. “But you all have rocks!”
The party understood - pebbles pelted the Goblin King from every direction, chipping away at his heath.
GOBLIN KING
Nervous sweat dripped from the Goblin King’s crown. He hadn’t been defeated in years. One of these players must be the weak link - he just had to find it.
He targeted Lanzer --
“SUBTLE SLASH!”
Lanzer now stood behind him with a handful of fresh stones. 2 SP remaining.
Maybe Bander - the magicoid wouldn’t get away on his own, and Lanzer’s ability hadn’t yet recharged --
“SHADOW STAB!”
The Level 1 version of Dalli’s move activated for the cost of a single SP - 3 SP remaining.
A lone spear sprouted from a hole, tripping the Goblin King. Bander vaulted off his head, pelting him with several small stones.
GOBLIN KING
Dalli’s turn. Two goblin axes swung towards him --
Dalli dove out of the way. Or at least he tried. His legs were too long and vulnerable for this maneuver. The first axe caught him in the thigh, reeling him in for a swift decapitation.
“SELFLESS SAVIOR!”
1 SP of healing left.
Dalli revived, becoming aware of --
Dalli went AFK.
Then Dalli returned. The leggoid laughed, dancing and skipping around the battlefield.
“I’m back!” shouted Dalli. “I can go AFK again! I’m free! Suck it you sadistic goblin asshole!”
“POISON SHOT!”
1 SP of special bullets left.
GOBLIN KING
The Goblin King hissed. These players had mastered his mechanics - there was no stopping them now.
That was, unless --
The Goblin King’s axes glowed purple. It was time for a Hail Mary.
“Everyone hurry,” yelled Shae. “Hit him with everything you’ve got!”
“So you were listening to my explanation!” Lanzer said. “Nice nice nice!”
A storm of staves, claws, spears and bullets rained down on the Goblin King. The attacks washed over him; he was committed to this technique.
“Ev-en if you beat me now, you can’t stop me!” yelled the Goblin King. “You can’t stop the Glitch-Man. You’re all doomed!”
“What the hell is he going on about?” snarled Dalli.
“Who cares?” yelled Lanzer. “Kill kill kill!”
GOBLIN KING
“POISON SH --”
[THE HAVEN]
Anton yanked the Zero Space helmet from Jay’s head.
“ANTON!” Jay shouted. “NO, GIVE THAT BACK --”
“Shut up!” Anton whisper-yelled, shoving his hand over Jay’s face. “You need to hide. Now!”
Anton’s words didn't register. Jay could barely see him through furious tears.
“Someone is in our unit,” said Anton. “Get down. Now!”
Jay was yanked out of his chair. Anton dragged him through clothes and trash, before depositing him under the bed.
“I’m gonna deal with this,” said Anton. “Do not come out until I’m done. Got it?”
Jay gaped. His brother’s words were clear, but nothing else made sense. Anton hunched down, stalking from the room like a predator on the prowl.
The situation finally settled in Jay’s mind. He tucked himself below his bed. Anything capable of scaring Anton terrified Jay.
His Zero Space headset dangled from his desk. The rest of his party was still in there, battling against the Goblin King. They needed his help. Maybe he could just sneak out and --
Jay’s foot bumped the bed - a Captain Lair comic slid off from his sheets. That certainly wasn’t his. Had Anton been here in his room, waiting for him to finish, this whole time?
Jay choked back tears. He’d let his brother down again. There was now peril in both the game world and the real world, and he couldn’t contribute to either.
From just beyond the doorway - the sound of fighting. Anton was in trouble. Or more likely, whoever he was fighting was in trouble. Jay wanted to rush in there and help, but that would result in further betrayal.
Eventually, the fighting stopped. It was unclear who was the victor; Jay had no doubt it was Anton. Maybe it was time to move? No, Jay had to stay here. Those were his brother’s orders.
Soft footsteps approached, accented by the occasional crunch of forgotten potato chips. These weren’t Anton’s footsteps; they were more deliberate - the footsteps of a dignified stroller, afraid of dirtying up their shoes.
With a soft creak, Jay’s door opened. Two silver boots stepped in, connected to silver spandex pants. These feet were clearly not Anton’s. Did this mean Anton was defeated? Impossible. Anton wouldn’t fall like that. Especially to someone wearing… silver spandex.
The silver person searched Jay’s room. If they were looking for Jay, they would find him soon - his hiding place was obvious. This was his one chance to draw first-blood.
The silver person turned away. Jay rushed out, tackling towards --
A silver foot dislocated Jay’s jaw. It was a beautifully executed kick; immaculate timing, form, and precision. Jay collapsed, staring up towards his attacker - silver covered their whole body. A tall mask curved around their head like a polished fingernail. The painting of a bloodshot eye adorned the mask’s peak.
Jay hadn’t seen anyone like this before, even in Zero Space. If Anton was in trouble however, he wouldn’t let that deter him. He punched --
The silver-person parried Jay’s attack, downing him with an open-palm slap. Jay didn’t get up this time. A silver hand clamped around his hair, escorting him out the door.
Two more silver figures lingered in Jay’s living room. One was taller than the others. He stood in place, clutching an injured fist. A snake-like dragon was painted on his mask, coiled in the shape of an infinity sign.
A pudgy silver-suiter lay unconscious on the ground. His mask contained a painting of human fingers, curled into a mangled peace sign. There was a noticeable dent in his mask, likely the result of a heavy blow.
And next to him - Anton, sprawled out across the carpet. He wasn’t dead, but he was no longer in fighting-condition. Jay couldn’t believe what he was seeing - no one had ever bested Anton before.
“Eye, you found another in there?” asked the man in the dragon mask.
“Yeah,” said Eye, shaking Jay by the hair. “Found this one under a bed.”
Eye glanced at Anton.
“Can’t believe this guy took out Fingers,” Eye said.
Dragon nodded. “He has potential.”
A fourth silver suit emerged from Anton’s bedroom. This one had a painted flame on his mask.
“Found it!” said Flame, holding up a circular object. It was the zero disc.
Jay sobbed - whatever was happening right now was all his fault.
“I found it between some porn magazines,” said Flame. “This guy’s into some weird shit!”
Anton perked up at the mention of porn.
“Grab him,” said Dragon. “And give that to me.”
Dragon seized the zero disc. Flame hoisted Anton to his feet.
“Try anything again, and I’ll kill you,” said Dragon.
Anton nodded, blood dripping from his lip. Dragon waved the Zero Disc before him.
“Did you take this?” asked Dragon.
Anton glanced at Jay - Jay’s injured jaw produced an incomprehensible sound.
“Yeah, I did,” said Anton. “It was me.”
Jay let out another sob. Eye yanked his hair, demanding silence.
Dragon nodded. “And did you use it?”
Anton once again looked towards Jay - Jay nodded sadly.
“Yeah,” said Anton. “I used it.”
The silver suits lost their cool, shouting profanity and stomping.
“Are you kidding me right now?” yelled Flame.
“After everything we went through,” Eye roared.
Dragon remained silent, letting his colleagues vent. He slid a long silver gun out from an unseen compartment in his suit.
“Blow his brains out Dragon!” yelled Flame.
“No,” said Dragon. “That would be a waste. He’s coming with us.”
Dragon waved the pistol before Anton.
“What you took from us cannot be replaced,” said Dragon. “So we’re going to take something from you.”
Dragon approached Jay.
“No, wait,” said Anton.
Dragon pointed the pistol at Jay’s head. Jay screamed, thrashing in Eye’s grip.
“No please,” said Anton. “I’ll do anything. I’ll give you anything. Just please, I’m begging you, don’t hurt him.”
“There’s nothing you can give us,” said Dragon, cocking his gun.
“Please,” said Anton. “Anything in the Haven. I’ll make it happen. Whatever you want. I’ll do it. Just please, I beg you, don’t --”
Dragon pulled the trigger several times.
Jay’s head exploded into thick red paste.
Anton ruptured his vocal chords in a terrible wail.
Jay’s lifeless body slumped to the ground.