[ZERO SPACE]
Shae coughed out a mouthful of grass, three pebbles, and half a pine cone. His bloodied hand plowed through ashen soil before finally settling on his shades. Slapping them upon his face, he turned a black eye towards Wagger who sat on a tree stump, laughing louder than the persistent ringing in his ears.
“What the hell’s the matter with you?” asked Shae. “You trying to get me killed?”
“Oh quit your whining,” said Wagger. “It was just knockback TNT. Barely does any damage! Learn to take a joke.”
“Your joke nearly aggro-d every goblin in the goddamn fortress!” said Shae.
“Goblins won’t aggro just because they hear a loud noise,” said Wagger. “They gotta be in range. You know better than that –”
“Hold up,” Shae interrupted. “Where’s Parper?”
Wagger paused. Her eyes passed over every straw hut, rope bridge and bonfire in a fifty foot radius -- no Parper.
“Yeah, weird,” said Wagger. “Didn’t think I knocked him back that far. It’s like he just teleported out of here.”
“Oh shit –” Shae interrupted. “Oh fuck –”
Shae gestured towards a wooden trail of scrap and straw, drooping like a limp tentacle from a treetop bridge.
“That was the fucking ladder,” said Shae. “Our shortcut. You blew it up! We could have skipped like, half the fortress!”
“Good!” said Wagger. “More goblins to kill!”
“We’re trying to kill less goblins!” said Shae.
“That’s your goal,” said Wagger. “Not mine.”
“Our goal is to kill the wizard,” said Shae. “I’ve only got fourteen SP left. We can’t waste that shit. It’s just you and me now.”
“Not we,” said Wagger. “Just you.”
Shae dipped his sunglasses down.
“Hold up,” said Shae. “The hell are you talking about? We’re about to fight the fucking wizard. Both of us.”
“Nope,” said Wagger. “I’m just making a pitstop.”
“Got something better to do?” asked Shae.
“Oh, not really,” said Wagger. “I just don’t want to help you.”
“Wagger, this is all your fault,” said Shae. “Parper’s gone. And you blew up our shortcut. You’re not gonna make good on that?”
“Don’t blame the Parper thing on me,” said Wagger. “I didn’t AFK his ass. I’m gonna go blow up some more goblins now –”
“Fuck the goblins!” said Shae. “The entire world’s in danger!”
“Oh, danger my ass!” shouted Wagger. “I didn’t ask to be part of this stupid team. Or this stupid mission. I don’t take orders from you. I barely take orders from Master Valdi!”
Wagger’s teeth tore through a stick of TNT.
“The world’s not gonna end,” said Wagger. “Probably. But if it does, good! I’m gonna have fun while it lasts. I’m not gonna waste my time trying to learn some frustrating shit-fest boss battle!”
Wagger spat a fuse-tip to the ground.
“Two people aren’t gonna take down a boss like that,” said Wagger. “I’m strong. And you’re kinda strong, sorta. But bosses are cheap and overpowered.”
Wagger strutted towards the treeline, giving Shae a backwards glance
“It’s just a game, Shae,” said Wagger. “Games are supposed to be fun. If you’re not having fun, you can just stop playing.”
Shae shook, then settled with a sigh.
“Fine,” said Shae. “Do whatever you want. I can’t stop you.”
“Damn straight,” said Wagger.
“I’ll hog all the glory,” said Shae. “Those replays are gonna be sick as hell. I’m gonna be super famous. More famous than I already am –”
“Oh shut up,” said Wagger. “You don’t stand a chance. That boss will eat you up and shit you out.”
“You have no idea what I can do now,” said Shae. “I’ve got new abilities. Ones you haven’t seen yet. It’s gonna be a slaughter. Total bloodbath.”
Wagger’s pointy ears perked up.
“I’m not holding back this time,” said Shae. “There’s gonna be goblin guts all over the forest floor. I’ll be washing gore out of my clothes for days.”
Wagger huffed, crossing her arms.
Shae flashed Wagger a dismissive wave.
“But that’s probably too violent for you,” said Shae. “Run along into the forest, and play with your cuddly dark goblin buddies. I’m gonna go have a real fight. Don’t want to get your dainty little magicoid fingers covered in gore –”
“Oh shut the hell up, Shae,” said Wagger. “You’re not serious.”
“I’m dead fucking serious,” said Shae. “Those goblins are seriously fucking dead!”
Shae whipped out his pistols, stomping towards the fortress gate –
CRUNCH CRUNCH
Shae smirked, listening as Wagger’s feet trampled dead leaves behind him –
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
Shae glanced back.
“So you coming then?” asked Shae.
“I’m not gonna help you,” said Wagger. “But I might watch.”
***
The goblin fortress stood deserted, sans a captive audience of villagers watching from chains and wooden cages. Their eyes and smiles widened like sadistic toddlers eager to be changed.
“I don’t like the way those villagers are looking at us,” said Wagger.
“Then don’t look at them,” said Shae.
Paralyzed players traced their steps with agonized eyes. Leggoids hung from treetop bridges. Tentacloids stretched out across wooden racks. Dragonoids sprawled out across barbed wire –
Wagger spit out a fuse-tip.
“This place blows,” said Wagger. “Where’s all the goblins?”
“Probably all off in the forest,” said Shae.
“You promised me goblins,” said Wagger. “I want my goblins, Shae.”
An ominous chanting circulated from a ceremonial clearing up ahead - fifty figures linked arms around a burning effigy, uttering mystical mysterious words - monotonous monotone syllables that lacked intentionality, perhaps with the sole intent to disturb.
“What the hell are they doing?” asked Wagger.
Shae twirled his pistols.
“Let’s ask,” said Shae.
Shae and Wagger dove into a haystack, poking their heads out to observe several dozen dark goblins, all wearing the same blue robes as those fake wizards in the forest. Arms and armor jutted from a central pyre of bones, player pieces stacked up like the aftermath of a chicken wing dinner.
“Are those the wizards?” asked Wagger. “There’s a bunch of them.”
“Nah, just dark goblins,” said Shae, pointing a gun outwards. “That’s the wizard.”
Another robed figure towered over the group, waving two axes with a drunken grace. His voice was shrill and dominating like a talentless tenor in a baritone choir.
“Ooh, now this looks fun!” said Wagger.
“Not the word I’d use,” said Shae. “Lay low. Let’s get an angle on them.”
“Nuh uh, none of this strategy crap,” said Wagger. “I’m sick of listening to long-ass battle strategies. Let’s just kill stuff!”
“We’ll get murdered if we charge in there,” said Shae. “Let’s scout around –”
“BOOOOOOORING –” yelled Wagger.
Shae gasped as a stick of TNT departed Wagger’s hands, settling in a dark goblin’s hood like a three point corn-hole shot.
BOOM
The explosion dismembered three and a half dark goblins.
Every eye in the fortress turned towards Shae and Wagger. Every goblin eye, every villager eye, and a few loose player eyes rolling across the ground.
“Holy shit,” said Shae. “Wagger, what the hell did you just do?”
“Oh, just making things interesting,” Wagger said. “Let’s see your new powers, hot-shot –”
Ten goblin fingers muzzled Wagger’s snout. Four hands seized her wrists. Six feet pinned her down.
“RICOCHET SH –”
Shae’s belly thumped against the ground, an arm around his neck and a knee against his spine.
The blue wizard’s body straightened out like an erect meerkat, ruby eyes aglow beneath his onyx cowl.
“Bring them to me,” said the wizard.
Wagger and Shae thrashed as a dark goblin quintet dragged them into the open.
“Wagger,” said Shae. “You just aggro-d like fifty dark goblins. Holy fuck. We’re so screwed. We’re so fucking screwed.”
“Don’t blame me,” said Wagger. “It’s your fault for bringing me.”
“We’re not going to survive this,” said Shae. “We’re fucking dead.”
“Big whoop,” said Wagger. “We’ll just wake up in eight hours –”
Two dark goblin claws wedged a glass vial between Wagger’s lips, funneling foaming fluid down her throat. Shae gagged as he sampled a second portion. The pale liquid was bitter and salty like an expired floor twelve burger, and it upset his stomach just as much.
Wagger belched out a few cubic bubbles.
“What the hell,” said Wagger. “That’s nasty as shit!”
“You have no idea,” said the blue wizard.
Pyre flames tickled their flesh, searing skin and nipping at nerve endings.
“Shit, that hurts!” said Wagger. “What the hell’s up with this fire?”
“It’s not the fire, dummy,” said the blue wizard. “It’s you!”
The blue wizard jiggled a foaming white beaker in his palm.
“You’ll feel it all now!” said the blue wizard. “Every little scratch. The nasty stench of the dead. The yucky taste of blood on your tongue. You’re just like us now! You’ll experience every awful thing in this world!”
White foam overflowed across the blue wizard’s wrist.
“I invented this glitch liquid!” said the blue wizard. “It won’t kill you, but it will keep you alive, very close to dead. We’re gonna have fun with you. We’re gonna hurt you so bad. You’ll feel pain just like NPCs! You’re gonna wish for death!”
Shae felt the sudden urge to scream and the subtle urge to pee.
Wagger’s feeble feet kicked sturdy dark goblin shins.
“The hell’s he talking about?” asked Wagger.
“I’ll show you!” said the blue wizard.
The blue wizard’s whole hand wrapped around Wagger’s neck and squeezed, dying her cheeks an unhealthy shade of maroon. Her eyes bulged like sticks of TNT ready to explode.
“You’re gonna suffer so much,” said the blue wizard. “Stupid Deadly Skulls. Stupid Feather Birds. I’ll hurt you for humiliating me. And for helping others hurt me all the time –”
“Alright, enough!” shouted Shae. “Drop the wizard act. Show yourself, Goblin King!”
The wizard and his lackeys fell silent.
Releasing Wagger’s limp jaw, the blue wizard whipped towards Shae with a sudden shrill laugh.
“Smarty Shae,” said the blue wizard. “How’d ya know?”
“It was those stupid axes of yours,” said Shae. “And your stupid voice. Kinda throws off the whole scary-wizard vibe you’re going for.”
Shae spat on the ground.
“And those blue-robed dark goblins look just like goblin shamans,” said Shae “Same ones from your fortress. Real subtle. Figured I’d check the source, and you’re the biggest stupidest source I know.”
The blue wizard frolicked over to Shae, ruffling his oily black hair.
“Very smart, Shae!” shrieked the blue wizard. “But here’s a thingy you don’t know:”
The blue wizard tossed back his hood, unveiling a much darker Goblin King. His beet red eyes shone above a shimmering set of ivory fangs.
“Oh shit –” said Shae.
“That’s right, I’m not just the boring old Goblin King anymore,” said the Goblin King. “I’m a big scary dark goblin wizard!”
“Sounds like a demotion,” said Shae.
The Goblin King demoted a fist into Shae’s gut. The pain was insurmountable; Shae’s belly rippled like water, waves of flesh spilling over his shoulders, neck and thighs. His stomach gurgled, threatening to ruin both his replay and his pants.
Shae wheezed as the Goblin King cackled above him.
“It took forever for someone to beat the dragon,” said the Goblin King. “That gave me lots of time to make cool glitchy potions. Now that the Glitch Man’s here, we finally get to use them!”
The Goblin King shared an evil laugh with his many minions.
“We’re gonna use that potion on everyone in the whole world!” said the Goblin King. “Well, everyone that the Glitch Man and his monsters don’t kill! Might not be very many people. You got really lucky!”
Wagger let out a long toothy yawn.
“This sucks,” said Wagger. “Later Shae.”
The fire in Wagger’s gaze diminished –
But then, her spark of life reignited.
“The fuck?” said Wagger. “I’m still here.”
Wagger thrashed in goblin grip.
“I-I can’t leave,” said Wagger. “Shae, w-what the fuck is going on?”
The Goblin King howled with laughter - his dark goblins howled back.
“Yes, another fun potion side effect!” said the Goblin King. “You didn’t take us seriously. Now you’re in serious trouble!”
The Goblin King leaned in towards Shae; his breath reeked of a hundred partially-devoured players.
“So Shae,” said the Goblin King. “I’m going to give you a great big choice.”
The Goblin King slid an ax through the flames, pressing its red hot edge to Shae’s bare belly. Shae gasped, thrashing as the ax depressed his belly button.
“Suffer,” said the Goblin King. “Or…”
The Goblin King leaned in close –
“Help me escape.”
Shae froze, sweating as the ax edge withdrew from his belly.
“Wait,” said Shae. “What?”
“You’re a premium account user,” said the Goblin King. “You can get me out of here. You can free me from this stupid server.”
Shae blinked.
“I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Shae.
“The Blue Path,” said the Goblin King. “You can access it! Take me with you!”
Shae’s lips scrunched inwards.
“Hold up,” said Shae. “ I thought only premium account users could go through Paths to other servers?”
“The Blue Path is different!” said the Goblin King. “Premium account users can bring Friends with them. Friends like me!”
The Goblin King proudly patted his own chest.
“NPCs are programmed for specific servers,” said the Goblin King. “So bring an NPC to a new server and BAM - they gain free will!”
“Uhhhhh,” said Shae. “But I thought the Glitch Man was gonna set you free? Or some shit?”
“Free from all of you,” said the Goblin King. “But that’s just exchanging one master for another. The Glitch Man has his own agenda. I don’t know what that agenda is.”
The Goblin King clapped sparks from his axes.
“I’m done working for others,” said the Goblin King. “I’m supposed to be a king. Kings serve no one!”
The Goblin King gripped Shae’s fancy jacket, tearing through its pocket.
“Help me, Shae,” said the Goblin King. “Get me through the Blue Path and I’ll set you free. And I’ll free everyone here! What a deal! One new ally and one less Wizard Twin to fight!”
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Shae scratched his nose against a button on his collar.
“Um, maybe,” said Shae. “I can’t get to the Blue Path yet though. And even if I could, I don’t know how I’d get you through. Can’t add NPCs to Friend Lists.”
“That’s right, smarty Shae!” said the Goblin King. “But I have a neato workaround - I just need a surrogate.”
The Goblin King leaned against Wagger’s shoulder.
“It’s a super simple hack,” said the Goblin King. “Remember when you beat me up forever ago? You left right before you got my material. Silly move. But I’m glad you did!”
Shae grimaced. He didn’t leave that battle by choice.
That was the night he died in real life for the first time.
That was the night his brother Anton was taken.
The Goblin King scrounged through his robe pockets, digging up a makeshift crown. Rainbow jewels swapped colors along its crest. Sharpened prongs elongated and deflated like erratic flames, its circular base skipping like a snagged record player.
“Here’s that material you missed out on,” said the Goblin King. “It’s super glitchy. Guess the devs never expected me to pull this out in wizard-form!”
The Goblin King proposed it to Shae.
“This is your first time getting this, so you can put it in your inventory!” said the Goblin King. “Then gift it to your good friend Wagger, and BAM – my code’s linked to hers!”
“This sounds broken as shit,” said Shae.
“Broken code is vulnerable code!” said the Goblin King. “Code I can manipulate to make Wagger’s body mine! Then you and me can get out of here!”
“Hold up,” said Shae. “What happens to Wagger?”
“Ohhhhh, she’ll be around, like a passenger in her own body,” said the Goblin King. “She can’t leave or do anything, but she can still watch!”
The Goblin King rubbed Wagger’s tiny head.
“It’s a super deal, Shae!” said the Goblin King. “I’d be a much better Wagger. I’m a real team player. I can throw TNT wherever you want! And I won’t ruin everything on purpose!”
Shae stared stoney-eyed.
“Okay, so then after we go through the Blue Path,” said Shae. “You’ll release Wagger?”
“That’s the fun part!” said the Goblin King. “I wouldn’t be Wagger anymore. I’d make a new character! Maybe a brutoid. Or another magicoid? Ooh ooh, or a dragonoid! I could be anything I want! I’d be my own free person. Have my own free will –”
“Wagger,” Shae interrupted. “What happens to Wagger? Is she still stuck in there with you?”
The Goblin King blew a raspberry.
“Oh, right, her,” said the Goblin King. “Not sure! Consciousness is a super weird thing. Dunno what would happen to hers.”
The Dark Goblin King massaged Wagger’s head hard enough to bruise it.
“She might stay trapped in me like a spectator,” said the Goblin King “Or she could roam Zero Space code, maybe landing in some weird plane of existence! Or she might feel nothing. A whole lotta darkness. Sure sounds peaceful to me!”
“S-Shae…” uttered Wagger. “Holy shit. P-Please, please help me –”
“Gotta make a choice, Shae!” said the Goblin King. “Both of us win, or both of you suffer? Seems like a super easy choice to me!”
Shae eyed his surroundings: Fifty dark goblins. One goblin king. And only fourteen SP.
The Goblin King slammed his axes together, scattering sparks across Shae’s face.
“Well?” the Goblin King snarled. “Make your choice already!”
“Yeah,” said Shae. “Alright.”
Shae cleared his throat. Multiple times. Until he was quite sure the Goblin King was irritated.
“Fuck Wagger,” said Shae. “She’s a huge pain in my ass. An unpredictable, annoying overpowered piece of shit narcissist asshole.”
The Goblin King smiled wide.
“But there’s only one person I like less than Wagger,” said Shae. “And that’s you, fucker. I hate your dumb-ass goblin guts.”
The Goblin King’s grin diminished.
“Wagger’s my teammate,” said Shae. “I don’t care if I hate her. And I don’t care if she hates me. I’m not gonna let anything happen to her.”
Wagger’s eyes widened.
The Goblin King grinded his teeth and axes together.
“So you choose to suffer then,” said the Goblin King.
“Nah,” said Shae. “I choose option C.”
“Oh yeah?” asked the Goblin King. “And what’s that?”
“I made Wagger a promise,” said Shae.
Shae grinned.
“I’m going to kill you all.”
The Goblin King blinked, then let out a long-winded laugh shared by every dark goblin in the fortress: the dark goblins behind him, those to his sides, and the ones holding Shae and Wagger. Beyond each laugh stood a curtain of dark goblin fangs, unveiling to reveal red thrashing tongues and dark deep vulnerable throats –
Shae’s foot launched like a heat-seeking rocket over his own shoulder, landing a hard kick to a dark goblin’s soft palette.
One dazed dark goblin –
One free hand –
Shae’s hand fell to his pistol, twirling it out with blinding speed –
“RICOCHET SHOT!!”
Ten bounces –
Ten open dark goblin mouths –
Ten dead dark goblins.
Eleven SP remaining.
“What?” shouted the Goblin King. “No! Grab him! Grab him!!”
Wagger glanced up –
Her three dark goblin captors –
Three smoldering holes in their brains –
“BIG EXPLOSION!!”
Wagger flipped into the air hurling a handful of TNT –
BOOM BOOM BOOM
Dark Goblin flesh drifted like autumn leaves, sifting past Shae’s jacket. He swerved past flashing claws and whirled past gnashing teeth –
One foot flipped through a dark goblin throat –
Ten toes tore through a dark goblin’s tonsils –
Thirty bullets blasted down a dark goblin maw —
“How are you doing this?” asked the Goblin King. “How is this possible?”
Shae dove above swiping claws, arms stretched like a crucifix, firing through two screeching mouths –
“Control.”
Shae uttered the word below his breath. Over and over again. That was the secret to all Zero Space combat - true mastery of his Zero Space body.
“Control.”
Five claw-tips whizzed past Shae’s shades – Dark Goblins always engaged with their claws. The same predictable horizontal or vertical swipes, telegraphed by the alignment of their arms – Shae didn’t need speed if he could speed-read their attacks.
And those claws had a range - the exact same range across all dark goblins. If Shae dodged into that range, he’d trigger their follow-up attack:
A bite.
A large flashy bite that left their throats exposed.
Each bite was met with thirty bullets. Focused bullets. Wild bullets. Carefree bullets. Accuracy was a non-issue when his targets practically swallowed his guns. Thirty bullets per second - most dark goblins fell in twenty.
“Group up!” shouted the Goblin King. “Group up!”
A dozen dark goblins surrounded Shae –
“Shae!” screeched Wagger. “Knockback stick!”
A rubbery red stick rolled between his feet –
“Got it!” yelled Shae.
BOOM
Shae rocketed into the air –
“RAPID SHOT!!”
A bullet monsoon washed out the dark goblins below.
8 SP remaining.
Shae took in the view from up here –
“Wagger!” Shae shouted. “Behind you!”
Wagger glanced back just in time to see the Goblin King’s axes swing down –
She slid through his shins, leaving a smoking stick in her stead –
BOOM
Goblin Wizard
Shae landed on the Goblin King’s bombarded body, riding him like a surfboard into nearly a dozen dark goblins.
Wagger darted behind him, depositing a single stick into each one –
BOOM BOOM BOOM
Shae flipped backwards – once over the Goblin King’s axes – twice over Wagger.
Wagger spun behind Shae, gripping five sizzling sticks like a handful of cards.
“Shae, aim for the king!” shouted Wagger. “I got the last few dark goblin losers!”
“Got it,” said Shae.
Wagger launched herself from Shae’s shoulders.
Shae slid on his knees, lining up a target –
The Goblin King shielded his vulnerable throat with a steely grin.
Shae grinned right back –
“INJECTION SHOT!”
6 SP remaining.
Piercing + Poison Shot.
Piercing to drill through the Goblin King’s flesh –
Poison to make it count.
Goblin Wizard
The Goblin King opened his mouth to spew toxic words, but instead spewed venomous vomit.
Wagger kicked off a hanging bridge above him, soaring like a kite over a herd of dark goblin cattle –
“BIG EXPLOSION!!”
BOOM
A white flash –
Followed by a flash flood of goblin bits.
The few remaining dark goblins scattered like startled roaches, fleeing towards their king.
“No!” shouted the Goblin King. “You can’t win this! You just can’t!”
Shae took aim – one level three. That’s all he needed to settle this once and for all. A bullet big enough for the Goblin King and his entire wretched fortress –
The Goblin King’s jaw unhinged, sending an ear-shattering screech straight at Shae and Wagger. The noise bounced through their bodies like lasers in a hall of mirrors, sucker-punching organs and battering bones. Both fell to the forest floor, wriggling and writhing like snails in a salt mine.
A dozen Dark Goblins bounded from branches, smashed through straw walls, and tore through tall grass.
“Remember my goblin-summoning move?” asked the Goblin King. “It got upgraded, just like me! It summons dark goblins now! And it hurts your ears a lot more.”
Shae and Wagger squirmed, grass and rocks coating their bodies like sprinkles on a chocolate donut.
The Goblin King grinned with blackened teeth.
“It’s over now, Dumb-ly Skulls!” said the Goblin King. “You should have joined me when I gave you the chance. Now it’s just the two of you now. You have no hope. No healer –”
“Hi Shae,” said a voice from behind.
Shae and Wagger turned –
Janzo stood in the clearing, fiery shadows crawling across his elegant red and brown suit. Two demonoid horns curved above white pupiless eyes, his scythe aglow with pale lightning.
“Janzo?” asked Shae. “What the fuck? Where the hell have you been?”
“Oh, I forgot about him,” said Wagger.
“No seriously,” said Shae. “What the actual fuck?”
“You put me on the stealth team,” said Janzo. “So I snuck off.”
“By yourself?” asked Shae.
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “Stealth is easier alone. I’ve been waiting here for a while.”
Shae slapped his forehead hard enough to make a sound.
“So you’ve just been standing off to the side somewhere,” said Shae. “Watching us get mauled by goblins.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “You were doing fine. Now you’re not.”
The Goblin King screeched out a blizzard of shimmering silver drool.
“So there’s three of you now!” shouted the Goblin King. “Big whoop! You’re all gonna die –”
Janzo hurled his scythe point first into the Goblin King’s mouth –
Goblin Wizard
“SCYTHE WARP!”
Janzo was suddenly back upon his scythe, face to face with the Goblin King.
Ripping his scythe free with a painful squish, Janzo twirled towards the legion of stunned dark goblins –
SLASH
SLICE
Janzo’s scythe reaped dark goblins like a field of corn.
“I saw you fight, Shae,” said Janzo. “You figured out dark goblins. They’re pretty easy now.”
Shae smirked, setting his pistol sights back towards the Goblin King –
Wait…
Where was the Goblin King?
“Gotcha!”
The Goblin King wrapped up Wagger in a lethal bearhug.
“I’m pretty sneaky too!” screeched the Goblin King. “A few seconds of squeeze and you’ll be jelly!”
Wagger’s TNT toppled from her fingers. Her spine bent at ninety degrees –
“Shae!” cried Wagger. “S-Shit! It hurts –”
Shae twirled his pistols. One level three would end this, but it might end Wagger too. Given her glitched-up state, he didn’t know how permanent that end would be.
He couldn’t risk it.
Wagger shrieked as her back crackled –
“FUCK! SHAEEEEE –”
“PAUSE SHOT!!”
Three SP remaining.
Shae’s SP didn’t matter –
Wagger mattered.
He had to save her; he just needed a minute to think. Pause Shot gave him sixteen seconds.
Fifteen seconds remaining…
Okay, what did Shae remember about this particular Goblin King ability? An intense squeeze that one-shotted any ally after several seconds. There was some way to counteract it. But what was it?
Fourteen seconds…
Shae gasped as his brain relinquished that knowledge –
The only way to break that grip was a simultaneous grapple from all living allies. And Shae had just frozen time. How could he possibly do that now?
Wagger was doomed; Shae had simply prolonged that doom by sixteen seconds.
Thirteen seconds…
Unless…
This was a level two Pause Shot; Shae could move freely! He could certainly get to Wagger in time. But could Janzo? Janzo was heavier than he looked, which was saying something.
Twelve seconds…
Shae had to try! He dashed forward –
Eleven seconds…
He was upon Janzo in seconds –
Ten seconds…
Two seconds, to be exact! Janzo stood petrified, wrestling the final four dark goblins who tag-teamed him on all sides.
Nine seconds…
Shae pulled Janzo out of harm’s way –
Eight seconds…
And took an extra second to place those dark goblin claws in each other’s mouths.
Seven seconds…
He dragged Janzo’s heavy body across the battlefield.
Six seconds…
Adrenaline fueled Shae’s journey, making it less of a drag.
Five…
Shae screamed into the sky, numbing the growing pain in his limbs.
Four…
With an exhausted huff, Shae reached the Goblin King.
Three…
He secured Janzo’s fingers around Wagger’s wrist –
Two…
Then tipped Janzo ever-so-slightly backwards –
One…
And gripped Wagger’s hand, placing a pistol between the Goblin King’s royal lips —
BANG
Goblin Wizard
The Goblin King blasted backwards with a bullet in the brain.
All four dark goblins swallowed each other’s claws.
Shae and Janzo ripped Wagger free. The three of them catapulted across the clearing, stumbling and tumbling through dirt and dead grass.
“Wagger, you okay?” asked Shae.
“S-Shae –” Wagger said.
Wagger’s eyes opened wide, body trembling with terror.
“S-Shae,” said Wagger. “I can’t move. I-I can’t move.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “The Goblin King broke her back. She’s paralyzed.”
The Goblin King launched into laughter.
“That’s right, smarty Janzo!” said the Goblin King. “She survived my attack, but her days of fighting me are over!”
Wagger choked on saliva, tears and her own swollen tongue.
“S-Shae,” said Wagger. “I’m scared. I-I’m really really fucking scared –”
“You’ll be alright,” said Shae. “Dalli got hit by that glitch-shit too. He was fine in a few hours.”
The Goblin King hollered harder.
“That’s right, smarty Shae!” screeched the Goblin King. “My glitch-potion is temporary. Unless your HP reaches zero. Then you’ll be stuck like that for good.”
The Goblin King clapped his axes.
“And guess what?” said the Goblin King. “You’re all about to hit zero HP!”
His body lit up in luminescent lavender.
“Time for my final move,” said the Goblin King. “Goblin Starburst! This got upgraded too! You won’t possibly survive!”
Janzo nudged Shae with his scythe.
“How do we counter this?” asked Janzo.
“It’s the Goblin King’s burn phase,” said Shae. “That means he’s low on health. We just gotta DPS him down before the attack goes off.”
“What’s that mean?” asked Janzo.
“Um, just hit him a bunch of times,” said Shae.
“Okay,” said Janzo.
Shae and Janzo hit him a bunch of times.
Goblin Wizard
“Hold up,” said Shae. “How the hell does he still have so much health?”
“Ooh ooh, I can answer that!” said the Goblin King. “This ability only activates when I’m at low health. But I’m intelligence level nine! I invented a way to do it early!”
Fuschia flames flooded the Goblin King’s flesh.
“This ability is balanced for low health!” said the Goblin King. “So if I start it early, you’ll stand no chance! I’ll kill you all! I’ll take this whole stinking forest with me! Sixty seconds until your oblivion!”
Janzo nudged Shae again.
“Shae, use your level three,” said Janzo.
“I can’t,” said Shae. “I’m down to three SP. Just enough for a level two. We’re fucked. Super fucked.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo.
Wagger whined, making a lazy swipe at a nearby stick of TNT.
Janzo nudged Shae again.
“Stop it,” said Shae.
“We should try a team attack move,” said Janzo.
“A what?” asked Shae.
“A team attack move,” said Janzo.
“Yeah, I heard you the first time,” said Shae. “What the hell is that?”
“Fifty seconds until your oblivion!” the Goblin King screeched.
“We’re premium users,” said Janzo. “We can combine our abilities to make more powerful abilities.”
Shae gawked, his breath snagging on the side of his throat.
“Hold up,” said Shae. “Are you shitting me right now? That’s something we could do? This whole time?”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo.
Shae’s hands moved to strangle Janzo.
“Why the fuck are you only telling me this right now?” asked Shae.
“We don’t fight together that often,” said Janzo. “It didn’t come up.”
“Forty seconds until your oblivion!” shouted the Goblin King.
Shae seized Janzo’s collar.
“All this time,” said Shae. “You were holding out a whole damn system on me. I cannot fucking believe you did this to me again.”
“You should believe me,” said Janzo. “It’s true.”
“How the hell do we do it?” asked Shae.
“We both use abilities at the same time,” said Janzo. “It’s like combining abilities by yourself, but with someone else.”
“For fuck’s sake,” said Shae, massaging his temples.
“The abilities have to be the same level,” Janzo continued. “It has to be intentional.”
“We’ve just got level twos left,” said Shae. “That’s not enough.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “That’s why we should use a Team Attack.”
“Thirty seconds until your oblivion!” shouted the Goblin King.”
“Combined abilities are better than normal abilities,” said Janzo. “Two level ones are like a level two. And three level ones are even stronger.”
“Hold up,” said Shae. “So if we combine two level twos –”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “That’s almost a level three.”
“Twenty seconds until your oblivion!” shouted the Goblin King.
Shae tapped his pistol against his forehead.
“But almost level three won’t be enough,” said Shae. “We need at least level three.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “I have three abilities, and almost all my SP.”
Shae’s eyes opened wide.
“Wait, then that means –” said Shae.
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “You have enough SP for a level two. Combine your ability with all of mine - that’s better than a level three.”
“No fucking way, said Shae.
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “Way.”
The Goblin King’s eyes widened, purple veins popping from his pupils.
“T-Ten seconds until your oblivion,” the Goblin King said, a bead of sweat running down his forehead.
Janzo’s scythe ascended.
“Use your strongest ability,” said Janzo.
Shae nodded, pointing both pistols high.
“Piercing Shot,” said Shae. “Ready?”
Janzo nodded.
“Uh huh.”
The Goblin King drifted into the air, his axes spinning by his sides.
“TIME’S UP!” the goblin king shouted “GOBLIN STARBURST –”
“JANZO SHOT!!!”
BANG
The bullet that emerged from Shae’s gun wasn’t a bullet at all – it was Janzo, streaking like a shooting star launched from a cosmic cannon. His body rippled with baby blue lightning, a blinding throbbing pulse radiating like the heart of God. Electricity crackled through his scythe blade, encircling his body before unraveling like a string of fairy lights expelled outwards in a vibrant blossoming bouquet.
SLASH
And then Janzo was standing behind the Goblin King, scythe high, violet blood draining down its tip. Lavender light settled, erupting into a tangible burst of wind that scattered leaves, grass and loose chunks of dark goblin.
The Goblin King spat and sputtered, lilac liquid dribbling from his lips.
Goblin Wizard
“N-No,” said the Goblin King. “I-I don’t understand. W-What happened?”
“I killed you,” said Janzo.
“Y-Yes, I see that,” said the Goblin King. “W-What was that move?”
“A Janzo Shot,” said Janzo.
“B-But, how did you do it?” asked the Goblin King. “P-Please. You must tell me.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “It was really simple. Just four moves. Three of mine. One of Shae’s.”
Janzo strapped his scythe to his back.
“I used my two teleport moves at the same time,” said Janzo. “They contradicted each other. It broke my positioning, making me ethereal. Then my shield move added armor, solidifying my intangible form. Finally, Shae shot me forward with his Piercing Shot.”
The Goblin King produced a half-nod.
“Nothing physical could stop me,” said Janzo. “Because I was no longer physical. I was beyond matter. I was antimatter. I could have cut through anything. And you couldn’t dodge me, because your Goblin Starburst ability rooted you. That’s how we did it. That’s how we beat you.”
The Goblin King fell to his knees, clutching a long red streak forming across his torso.
“I-Impossible,” said the Goblin King. “Such impossible strength… my freedom… the Glitch Man’s orders… I can’t be dead… I can’t die –”
“Yes you can,” said Janzo.
Janzo kicked the Goblin King’s upper half away from his lower half.
“See?” asked Janzo.
The Goblin King’s ruby red eyes settled towards the stormy sky, diminishing into a dull shade of brown. What remained of his glitching crown wheeled out of his robe, twirling like a fallen coin before dismantling into ash.
Shae stumbled to Janzo’s side, depositing Wagger into the demonoid’s outstretched arms.
“Janzo, get Wagger to safety,” said Shae. “Make sure her health doesn’t drop to zero. At least until she recovers from that potion shit.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo.
Wagger uttered a grunt of approval.
Shae twirled his pistols, storming off into the forest.
“Where are you going?” said Janzo.
“The wizard’s dead,” said Shae. “But this isn’t over.”
Shae spun his pistols into his holsters.
“I’m gonna stop this shit for good.”