[ZERO SPACE]
Four villagers stood in cramped metal cages. They seemed unusually calm, given the circumstances.
“I was not captured last,” said the first villager.
“I was captured before the first villager,” said the second villager.
“I wasn’t captured second,” said the third villager. “No sir.”
“The second villager is lying,” said the fourth and final villager.
A goblin jailer sat nearby, eating a drumstick of questionable origin.
“*Pop* *Click* *Pop* *Pop*,” the goblin jailer said.
The goblin jailer cleared his throat.
“Pardon,” said the goblin jailer. “Figure out the order these prisoners were captured in. ‘Will show you a secret path.”
“Ugh, another talking goblin,” said Dalli.
“Let me handle this,” said Bander, cracking his tiny knuckles. “Logic puzzles are my specialty.”
“Don’t bother,” said Lanzer. “You won’t solve it.”
“You underestimate me, dummy,” said Bander. “Step aside.”
“Okay okay okay,” said Lanzer. “Just don’t forget what happened last time you doubted me!”
The goblin jailer motioned Shae in close while the others were distracted.
“Hey Premium,” said the goblin jailer. “Spare some food?”
Shae stared at the goblin in disbelief - another sentient NPC.
“Looks like you already have food,” Shae said.
The goblin jailer retched. “‘Had this drumstick since I was born. ‘Sick of it. ‘Crave something new. Something fresh.”
Bander tapped a villager cage with his staff.
“The first villager wasn’t captured fourth,” Bander deduced. “And the third villager wasn’t second. That’s not enough information to go on.”
“Give up yet?” asked Lanzer.
“No, idiot,” said Bander. “Give me a bit!”
Dalli aimed his spear at the goblin jailor.
“Can’t we just kill the goblin?” asked Dalli.
“No no no,” said Lanzer. “He’s a friendly NPC. If we attack him, he’ll wreck us.”
Dalli shrugged, then extended his legs like a pair of stilts. Just ahead - hundreds of goblins patrolled between straw huts and dirt pathways. These denizens of the goblin fortress weren’t here to live their best lives; they were here to hunt and kill players.
Shae rummaged through his pockets for food - nothing but mud.
“I don’t have anything on me,” Shae said.
“Seems you have plenty on you,” said the goblin jailer. Saliva leaked from his tongue onto Shae’s sleeve.
Bander drew a diagram in the soil.
1 2 3 4 Villager 1 o o o X Villager 2 X o o o Villager 3 o X o o Villager 4 o o o o
“It doesn’t make sense,” said Bander. “The second villager couldn’t have been first, but there’s literally no information about villager four. This puzzle’s impossible!”
“Yeah yeah yeah,” said Lanzer. “It’s random! You’ve got a one in twenty-four chance to guess it.”
“That’s idiotic!” yelled Bander. “What kind of designer would make such an awful puzzle?”
“An awful designer!” said Lanzer. “Duh duh duh.”
Dalli poked a villager with his spear.
“Give us more information,” Dalli said.
The third villager nodded. “I wasn’t captured second. No sir.”
“I’m not sure what I expected,” Dalli groaned.
Shae retreated from the goblin jailer.
“Please,” begged the goblin jailer. “Just one bite?”
“Yeah, I don’t think so,” said Shae.
“‘Help me,” said the goblin jailer. He pointed towards the villager cages. “‘Help you.”
The goblin jailer’s proposition was clear, but Shae wasn’t interested in being goblin food. Not even for a puzzle.
Lanzer gave Bander a belittling pat on the head.
“You might as well guess it,” said Lanzer. “Worst comes to worst, we just take the normal route.”
“The normal route looks rough,” said Dalli. “We’ll get swarmed without a stealth user.”
Shae wished he hadn’t overheard that.
“Yeah yeah yeah,” said Lanzer. “It’s a shame. The secret path saves lots of time!”
Saves lots of time - exactly what Shae needed. Comics with Anton were less than an hour away; He was already cutting this close.
Shae pulled back the sleeve of his jacket, baiting the goblin jailer with his arm flesh. Just one bite wouldn’t hurt. Much.
CHOMP
Shae was wrong; he shrieked in agony. It wasn’t just the pain - it was the sensation of rotting goblin teeth passing through his flesh. Numbness tickled the borders of his wound. Warm blood watered the plants below. Shae tucked the injury into his sleeve; pressing firmly to stop the bleeding.
The goblin jailer belched.
“‘Satisfied,” the goblin said.
With a snap of the goblin jailer’s fingers, a ladder fell. This ladder ascended up a tree, showcasing a subtle pathway of thick branches, leading high over the fortress below.
Bander, Lanzer and Dalli turned towards Shae.
“Shae, what did you do?” asked Bander.
“I solved the puzzle,” said Shae. “It wasn’t that hard.”
Lanzer’s toothy jaw dropped.
“Wow wow wow,” said Lanzer. “You’re a genius Shae!”
Dalli scoffed at that remark.
Shae hurried up the ladder, pain shooting through his injured arm with each new rung. This wound wouldn’t have time to get infected - it wasn’t worth Bander’s healing just yet.
Dalli ascended behind the others, taking one last glance towards the caged villagers.
“Thanks for nothing,” Dalli snarled.
A villager nodded. “I wasn’t captured second. No sir.”
***
The secret route was peaceful to an unfitting degree. Butterflies encircled mossy trees, purple flowers bloomed from small openings in the bark, and fluttering crescent-moon leaves attached themselves to Shae’s muddy clothing. Shae pried the sticky leaves off himself; they somehow made his outfit look worse. At least when it was all mud, there was some consistency.
This path ahead was made from thick branches and the occasional wooden bridge. Oblivious goblins wandered below, incapable of glancing upwards.
“Should be just a straight shot to the Goblin King from here,” said Lanzer. “Though there is a quick detour if you want it.”
“No detours,” said Shae. “Save your resources for the Goblin King.”
“Not even for a --” Lanzer gave a dramatic pause. “-- Material?”
Shae turned towards Lanzer - that was Shae’s trigger word.
“Now you’ve done it,” said Dalli. “Shae would slap his own mother for a material.”
“I didn’t realize you were my mother,” said Shae.
“If I was your mother, I would have smothered you in your sleep,” snarled Dalli.
“Is that what happens when you sleep with Chief?” asked Shae. “She smothers you?”
“Leave Chief out of this,” Dalli snarled.
“Idiots, knock it off!” growled Bander.
The goblins below were deaf to even their loudest words.
“Okay okay okay,” said Lanzer. “If we do decide to grab that material, we’ll need to discuss mechanics. There’s lots of them.”
“I used to be a mechanic,” said Dalli.
“Not that type of mechanic, silly,” said Bander.
“A mechanic is like, something a boss does,” said Shae. “Kind of like how Chief smothers you. Smothering could be her mechanic.”
“I said leave Chief out of it,” snarled Dalli again.
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“Hey hey hey,” interrupted Lanzer. “So, the material is guarded by a mini-boss. The mini-boss is a big fat ugly goblin thing.”
“Like Chief,” said Shae.
“That’s enough!” yelled Dalli.
Dalli slugged Shae in the arm - right in the bitemark. That hurt!
Shae retaliated with a kick to Dalli’s knee - a leggoid weak point. This wasn’t the first time they had scuffled. Shae knew how to put Dalli down, and bring him down.
Dalli’s right leg collapsed, planting him against a thick mossy branch.
“Don’t forget who's leader here --” Shae began to say.
The weight of Dalli’s long legs dragged him off the branch’s side. His fingers scraped at unstable bark as he slid down slippery moss. Dalli landed hard, smack dab between a dozen goblins who wasted no time in stomping him flat. In mere seconds, Dalli was bound and dragged through the fortress - the prisoner of twelve cheering goblins.
Shae stood still, too stunned to react. This was more than a careless mistake - this was the end of everything.
Lanzer’s heavy jaw dropped.
“Um um um, remember when I called you a genius?” asked Lanzer. “I take that back.”
It took Bander a moment to register what just transpired.
“What did you do?” shrieked Bander. “You idiot!”
Bander leapt onto Shae, wrapping his fingers around Shae’s neck. Shae didn’t bother prying him off - he deserved it.
“Stop it, stop it, stop it!” said Lanzer. “That’s not helping!”
“We’re beyond help now, idiot!” said Bander. “We can’t do this without Dalli!”
“Right right right,” said Lanzer. “That’s why we need to get him back.”
Bander stopped choking Shae, just for a second.
“You know where they took Dalli?” asked Bander.
“Yes yes yes,” said Lanzer. “But it won’t be easy.”
Shae stared towards the Dalli-shaped crater below. This was his mistake. If there was a way to make this right, he would do it.
Shae unholstered his pistols.
“Alright,” said Shae. “Lead the way.”
***
Dalli’s bruised eyes opened to a blurred landscape of browns and whites; it seemed to be an interior of some sort. There was a weird smell in the air, like marshmallows soaked in formaldehyde. He vaguely discerned a table full of beakers, overflowing with boiling white liquid.
His vision settled, revealing three goblins. Two of them were run-of-the-mill guards. One sat in a chair, plucking yellow mold out of his toes. The other picked his nose, flicking green specs across the room. Together, they built a neat little pile of nasty.
The third goblin seemed different; this one was covered in piercings. A string of villager fingers hung from his neck. Occult patterns smeared in villager blood ran across his naked flesh. A villager skull helmet cradled his head.
Dalli’s spear leaned against a nearby table. He reached for it --
-- But he couldn’t move. His body was bound, tied to a wooden pole with sturdy grass rope. Even his strong leggoid legs couldn’t break free.
The strange goblin leaned in towards Dalli.
“*Click* *Pop* *Pop*”
Dalli gave him a weird look. The goblin cleared his throat.
“Fine,” sighed the goblin. “I will speak your language. Your kind is so stupid.”
The goblin inserted a syringe of blue liquid into Dalli’s arm. Dalli groaned from its sudden sting.
“What the hell was that?” asked Dalli.
“Shhh, shhh,” the goblin said. “It’s just something to make this more fun.”
“So you’re going to torture me then?” snarled Dalli.
“I am,” said the strange goblin. “What will you do about it, player?”
Player? Dalli gave him an odd look. NPCs were committed to their roles; they rarely broke the fourth wall. If they were going to torment Dalli, he wasn’t going to stick around for it.
Dalli went AFK --
-- Wait.
He couldn’t.
Dalli’s heart pounded. He thrashed involuntarily - an unwillful action; animal instinct. The part of his brain responsible for removing his Zero Space helmet was missing. Like trying to wiggle the fingers of a dismembered arm.
This goblin seemed to be enjoying this.
“You like that?” asked the goblin. “It’s something special the Goblin King made, for special players like you!”
The strange goblin gripped Dalli’s long snout, squeezing it shut.
“NPCs aren’t like players,” said the goblin. “NPCs can’t just escape when things get bad.”
The goblin squeezed Dalli’s snout until his teeth ached.
“Want to see what it’s like to be an NPC?” the goblin asked.
***
Shae‘s team peeked around the side of a straw hut. In the distance, another hut spewed white smoke from its chimney.
“Okay okay okay,” said Lanzer. “Dalli should be in there.”
Twenty or so goblins stood between them and their destination.
“Those goblins have random patrol paths,” said Lanzer. “We kinda need a stealth user for this.”
Shae cursed again for leaving Asira behind.
“What’s happening to Dalli?” asked Bander.
“Dunno,” said Lanzer. “I’ve never seen goblins abduct people. They usually just kill them.”
Shae froze. This smelled like sentient NPC shenanigans.
“Dalli has to be in there,” Lanzer continued. “That hut-type is used in lots of missions as a player-prison!”
Shae twirled his pistols. His bite mark had grown numb - probably not a good sign.
“Don’t attack yet, idiot,” said Bander. “We need to save our SP for the Goblin King.”
“We don’t need SP for this,” said Shae.
Shae focused on the path ahead, a fiery intensity in his eyes.
“I got Dalli into this,” said Shae. “I’ll get him out of it.”
***
Dalli centered himself with a deep breath, releasing it in a long steady exhale. Zero Space was his home, even more so than the Haven. Here, he could ditch his aging body, be someone of status, and most importantly, see Chief. But now, this body was his prison - an endless lucid nightmare.
“Do you know what pain scale is?” asked the strange goblin.
Dalli focused on his breathing. The goblin gripped his throat.
“I’ll ask one more time,” said the goblin.
“Don’t know,” Dalli choked. “More, weird kid lingo.”
“Dev lingo actually,” the goblin said, releasing Dalli. “Pain in Zero Space is rated one to ten. Let me show you:”
The goblin flicked Dalli’s nose. “One,” he said.
-- A slap to Dalli’s face. “Two.”
-- A punch to Dalli’s gut. “Three.”
-- A knee to Dalli’s groin. “Four.”
The goblin stabbed Dalli in the thigh and twisted. Dalli cringed in pain -- but not as much as he expected to.
“Four,” said the goblin again.
Dalli looked confused.
“Player pain can’t go past four,” said the goblin. “After a certain point, things just stop hurting. Lucky players.”
The goblin approached a chemistry set.
“NPCs though,” said the goblin. “We feel everything. When players hit us. Or stab us. Or break our bones. We feel it all. We go to ten.”
The goblin mixed two bubbling white chemicals together.
“What if players could go to ten?” asked the goblin. “See how things are really like in Zero Space?’
The two white chemicals sizzled and churned.
Dalli‘s heart pounded again. He centered himself, retreating to his peaceful place.
***
Two goblins leaned against a straw house, feasting on strips of villager jerky. They entertained themselves with casual *clicks* and *pops* --
-- Shae’s foot smashed through one goblin’s jaw. His elbow broke the other’s nose. Both pistols entered their mouths, firing multiple times. The bullets bounced across their insides, filling their bellies with lead.
Goblins charged out from neighboring huts, their axes raised high --
-- Bander slid across the ground, clobbering rows of goblin shins. Goblins fell like dominos, lined up for several staff swings.
Lanzer spiraled over Bander, tearing through one goblin with his claws, then another with his teeth.
“Hey hey hey,” said Lanzer, his mouth full of goblin. “Bander, you like seafood?”
“No you idiot,” said Bander. “Don’t you dare.”
“See --” Lanzer opened his mouth, revealing a tongue full of grinded goblin gore. “--Food!”
Bander dry heaved.
***
Dalli thrashed in his bindings.
“Stop this right now!” snarled Dalli. “I’ve never harmed a goblin any more than I had to. I treat NPCs with respect. Hell, I prefer NPCs to most players!”
“Shhh, shhh,” said the strange goblin. “This isn’t about you. You’re just one step in a greater journey.”
The goblin stirred two white chemicals. The chemicals bubbled, blended, and then fizzled out into flat pale squares. These squares expanded and warped, growing and shrinking beyond the confines of their containers, blinking in and out of existence.
“I’ve seen that before,” snarled Dali. “That’s a glitch. You’re breaking Zero Space. What the hell are you doing? Who taught you to do that?”
“Shhh, shhh,” the goblin repeated. “You will understand, in time.”
The pale squares turned red, converting into crimson liquid.
“What the hell is that?” asked Dalli.
“Ignorant player,” said the goblin. “It’s something special I made just for you.”
The goblin sealed the ruby liquid in a small glass vial.
“One dose of this, and you’ll be just like us,” said the goblin. “You’ll go all the way to ten.”
A cruel smile formed on the goblin’s lips.
“Just like all those people in the marshes.”
Dalli stared at him. Those people in the marshes - the impaled and flayed players near the mission’s entrance. Were they all like this? Trapped and tortured? How long had they been there?
How long had they been suffering?
***
Shae twirled in the air, driving his heel through a goblin’s skull. He landed with a roll, sweeping his leg through several knees. Flipping backwards over an incoming axe, Shae placed his good hand against the ground, performing a split-kick into two heads.
Bander tore past him, blindsiding a goblin with his staff. He boosted off one belly, stepped off a face, and brought his staff down on a forehead.
Four goblins ducked behind a short wooden fence, launching stones with spinning slings.
“Don’t worry,” said Lanzer with a grin. “I’ve got this.”
Lanzer weaved between rock projectiles, accounting for the full breadth of their arc.
“SUBTLE SLICE!”
Lanzer was suddenly on the other side of these goblins, moving like a blur. Both him and the goblins stood still, then --
SLICE
Four goblin heads fell from their shoulders, sprays of blood ascending into the air. Lanzer grinned and licked the blood from his metal claws. 4 SP remaining.
“Sorry sorry sorry,” said Lanzer. “I just had to.”
***
The strange goblin approached Dalli with the vial of red liquid. His two goblin cohorts laughed behind him. Dalli could no longer center himself. His breathing escalated to a rapid pace, his body thrashed uncontrollably.
“Please don’t do this,” said Dalli. “I’ll do anything you want!”
The goblin lifted the red vial towards Dalli’s mouth. Dalli jerked his snout away.
“Shhh, shhh,” said the goblin. “I just want you to open wide. “
“Please,” Dalli cried. “Don’t do this.”
The goblin seized Dalli’s lower jaw.
“Please. God, please..”
Shae’s shoulder smashed through the door. All three goblins looked over --
-- Bander’s staff flattened a goblin skull.
-- Shae’s foot shattered a goblin chin.
Lanzer’s claws knocked the goblin leader’s red beaker to the ground. A second slash caught the leader in the ribs. The third and final slice severed Dalli’s bindings.
Dalli grabbed his spear.
The goblin leader crawled across the ground, clutching his bleeding ribs. A spear stopped him in his tracks. He met Dalli’s gaze with terrified eyes.
“Ten,” said Dalli.
Dalli stabbed into the goblin’s gut, then ripped his spear across his body, slicing him open from belly-to-forehead. His final shriek echoed across the goblin fortress. It fell on the deaf ears of his goblin peers; they were programmed not to react. What remained of the vial’s crimson content sizzled across the floor, evaporating into white ash.
Dalli collapsed, letting out several exasperated breaths. Lanzer grinned down at him.
“Hey hey hey!” said Lanzer. “You alright? We heard you from out there. Sounded serious!”
Dalli lacked the energy to answer.
“Which of the seven Gods were you shouting for?” asked Lanzer. “Was it Ledgess? Or Onar? Or…”
“Give him a moment, idiot,” Bander interrupted. “SELFLESS SAVIOR!”
4 SP of healing remaining.
Shae stepped towards Dalli.
“Dalli, I --”
“Don’t Shae,” said Dalli. “I, I don’t want to hear it.”
“No, listen,” said Shae. “I…”
Dalli gave him a cold glare.
“I’m sorry,” said Shae.
“Sorry?” asked Dalli. “Do you have any idea what you almost just did?”
“I shouldn’t have kicked you,” said Shae. “Or made fun of you and Chief. I was a huge dick and I’ll do better from now on. I promise.”
Bander gaped - this was unusual.
“I know you’re mad,” said Shae. “You can stay mad at me.”
Dalli was also taken aback.
“But I’ll be a better leader,” said Shae. “Even if you’re mad.”
“Fine,” said Dalli, nursing a stress migraine. “It’s fine.”
Shae nodded. ‘Fine’ was enough for now.
Bander explored the room, observing the science lab.
“What is this stuff?” asked Bander.
“You don’t want to know,” said Dalli.
Bander stepped in a pile of goblin snot and toe jam.
“What did I just step in?” Bander asked.
“You don’t want to know,” repeated Dalli.
Lanzer leaned his elbow on Shae’s shoulder.
“Okay okay okay,” said Lanzer. “Shouldn’t be hard to reach the Goblin King from here. Want to make a material pit-stop?”
“No,” said Shae. “We can’t spare the resources.”
Shae winced as the words came out of his mouth. Level 1 Materials were hard to find. He just had to hope the Level 2 Material was worth it.
The deadline for comic-time had elapsed - this excursion cost Shae yet another session with his brother. But after this, he would be a Raid Captain. There would be plenty of time to read comics in their new life of luxury.
Dalli screamed, smashing his spear through anything that resembled science.
“Dalli, you idiot,” said Bander. “What are you doing?”
“The goblins are going to pay for this,” shouted Dalli.
Everyone gave Dalli some space.
“The goblins are going to pay!”