[ZERO SPACE]

Five tiles rested side by side before a closed catacomb door, each imprinted with a number:

1 2 3 4 5

Zydan cleared his throat for a poem:

“Less than the Haven divided by ten,

More than the number of wizards,

Higher than Gods, divided by two,

To solve this, you must be a wizard.”

Zydan placed four brutoid hands against his hips.

“I’m quite proud of that poem,” said Zydan. “One of my finest indeed.”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “Did you just rhyme wizard with wizard?”

“I rhymed wizard with wizards,” said Zydan. “That’s the plural version. It’s a different word.”

“That sucked,” said Dane.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” said Lanzer. “And the poem’s right there on a mural. You didn’t have to read it outloud.”

“Players never read anything,” said Zydan. “I blame their short attention spans. Perhaps I should add some voice over. An excellent playtesting note!”

Dalli prodded a tile with his spear.

“So what’s the deal here?” asked Dalli. “Do we just stand on the right one?”

“For ten seconds,” said Zydan. “Perhaps I should tell players that too. Another excellent playtest note!”

Dane stepped on tile 2. Asira yanked him off.

“Hold on Dane,” said Asira. “We need to take our time and figure this out.”

“I love puzzles!” shouted Umi.

“You’d better hurry,” said Zydan. “Clock’s ticking. Actually, it’s not. I need to add a time limit. Just pretend there’s one for now.”

Lanzer scratched his fishy chin with long metal claws.

“More than the number of wizards,” said Lanzer. “The Wizard Twins maybe? Two twins. So the number can’t be one or two.”

“Less than the Haven, divided by ten,” said Shae. “Fifty Haven floors means five. So it’s not five.”

“It must be three or four then!” said Asira.

“Higher than Gods?” asked Dane. “What’s that mean?”

“Zero Space Gods!” shouted Umi. “Like Ledgess!”

“There’s six Zero Space Gods,” said Dalli.

The Feather Birds parted as Dalli stepped forward.

“Six gods, divided by two is three,” said Dalli. “If the number’s more than three, the answer’s four!”

Zydan stroked his chin.

“How did you know that?” asked Zydan.

“Basic math,” said Dalli. “Do kids not go to school anymore?”

“No, about the Zero Space Gods,” said Zydan. “That’s ancient information.”

“And I’m an ancient player,” laughed Dalli. “Step aside, junior!”

Dalli perched on tile 4, studying Zydan’s face.

“I’m right, ain’t I?” asked Dalli.

“We’ll see in about five seconds,” said Zydan.

Dalli gave his friends a sly smirk.

“This is why you kids need to listen to your elders --”

Spikes shot up through tile 4, piercing through Dalli’s long legs, his thin snout, and beedy leggoid eyes. The spikes withdrew, delivering his corpse to Zydan’s feet.

“Wrong!” said Zydan. “That eliminates one tile. And one Feather Bird as well!”

“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “That doesn’t make sense. Dalli’s logic checks out!”

“I can’t say anything,” said Zydan. “A good puzzle speaks for itself.”

“Your puzzle is stupid,” said Dane.

“Maybe Dalli was wrong about the number of Gods,” said Asira.

“Big mouth designer here confirmed he wasn’t,” said Shae.

“Or did I?” asked Zydan.

“Yes, you did,” said Shae.

Dane stepped onto tile 3.

“It’s three,” said Dane.

“Are you certain?” asked Zydan.

“Yes,” said Dane. “It can’t be one, two or five. It has to be three.”

“Very clever,” said Zydan.

Spikes rose from tile 3, penetrating Dane’s washed out flesh, calloused hands, and blank demonoid eyes. The spikes withdrew, planting Dane’s corpse next to Dalli’s.

“But not clever enough,” said Zydan. “Another Feather Bird down.”

The four remaining Feather Birds backed up.

“T-This is impossible,” said Asira. “You said more than the number of Wizards. Wizards, plural, means at least two. That rules out tiles one and two.”

“Good catch!” said Zydan. “An excellent clue, in an excellent rhyme.”

“Five’s out for sure,” said Shae. “Less than fifty Haven floors, divided by ten.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” said Lanzer. “It could only be three or four. And those both failed!”

“Are you certain?” asked Zydan.

“Yes yes yes!” said Lanzer. “Your puzzle’s broken!”

Umi knelt, praying with all four brutoid hands.

“I might have an idea,” said Asira. “More than three, less than four -- three point five!”

“There’s no three point five button,” said Shae.

“That’s true,” said Asira. “But what if we stood on three and four at the same time?”

Zydan’s six eyebrows raised.

“No no no,” said Lanzer. “He’s not that clever.”

“Or am I?” asked Zydan.

“No, you’re not,” said Shae.

“I got it!” shouted Umi.

Everyone turned towards Umi. The brutoid sat on button 1.

“Umi, no!” yelled Asira. “It can’t be that tile!”

Asira tugged at Umi’s arm, but Umi wouldn’t budge.

“Stop stop stop,” said Lanzer. “We’re already down to four people!”

“Ledgess told me it was this one!” shouted Umi. “I have faith!”

“Umi, back off!” shouted Shae. “That’s an order!”

“You’re my Raid Captain Shae!” shouted Umi. “But Ledgess is my Life Captain!”

DING

A musical chime! The catacomb door ascended. Zydan’s jaw dropped.

“WHAAAAAAAAT?” shouted Zydan. “How is that possible?”

“So one was the answer?” asked Asira. “I don’t understand.”

“The answer was four,” said Zydan. “The puzzle is indeed broken. I’ll need to fix that.”

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “You knew the puzzle was busted this whole time?”

“Designers aren’t allowed to help players during a playtest,” said Zydan. “That corrupts the playtest data.”

Zydan whipped his blue cloak towards Umi.

“Now, tell me brutoid,” said Zydan. “How did you know the answer?”

“Ledgess has all the answers!” shouted Umi.

“Ledgess isn’t real,” said Zydan. “What you just did was impossible.”

“Not impossible,” said Shae. “A one in three shot. Thirty three percent.”

“I refuse to believe this was just dumb luck,” said Zydan.

“Then believe in Ledgess!” shouted Umi. “That’s what I do! Let’s go y’all!”

Zydan grinded his teeth as the Feather Birds brushed past him.

Torches illuminated two keyholes in a wall up ahead. A duo of symmetrical hallways splintered off on either side.

“Let me guess,” said Shae. “Both halls lead to a key.”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “You’ll have to split up.”

“Nope nope nope,” said Lanzer. “We’re safer together.”

“Or are you?” said Zydan.

“Yeah, we are,” said Shae.

Zydan grinded his rings together.

“Well, pretend you’re not,” said Zydan. “I’ll figure out a way to enforce splitting up later --”

“Fine,” Shae interrupted. “We’ll split up.”

Everyone turned towards Shae, Zydan included.

“Shae, you don’t mean that,” said Asira.

“We’re doing this my way,” said Shae. “And for now, that’s Zydan’s way.”

Zydan narrowed his eyes.

“What are you planning?” asked Zydan.

Shae ignored Zydan, turning to his crew.

“Lanzer, you’re with Umi,” Shae said. “Asira, you’re with me.”

“Shae Shae Shae,” said Lanzer. “Are you crazy?”

“Do as I say,” said Shae.

“I love working with Lanzer!” shouted Umi.

“Ugh, fine fine fine,” said Lanzer. “Meet you back here. Hopefully.”

Lanzer and Umi’s group departed.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” muttered Asira.

Shae gestured Asira forward, leading them through a claustrophobic corridor. Zydan slipped in behind them, squeezing his massive body through like liquid.

“I’ll admit, this was a foolish decision,” said Zydan.

Shae said nothing.

“You must be up to something,” said Zydan.

More nothing.

“An incompetent Raid Captain and a bright orange ninja,” said Zydan. “It’s a miracle you made it this far.”

Zydan studied Asira’s body.

“Your character is quite cute though,” said Zydan.

His palm brushed across her wing --

CHOP

Asira minced Zydan’s fingers with a frenzy of sword swings. Or at least she tried. Oranges blades bounced off steel skin.

“A noble attempt,” said Zydan. “But feeble players can’t injure Dev characters.”

“I wish I could mute you,” said Asira.

Asira stumbled into Shae.

“Ow, Shae, watch where you’re --”

Asira stopped mid-sentence, joining Shae in stunned silence.

A sadistic obstacle course loomed ahead. Heavy pendulums swung with guillotine blades. Small holes in the wall passed colorful darts back and forth. Red rows of futuristic lasers drifted with erratic timing. And all of this took place above an infinite black pit, a thick glass bridge winding across it.

Shae grew dizzy as he peered over the pit’s edge. Misty darkness concealed the fall. What could be waiting down there? Spikes? Solid ground? Nothing? Shae didn’t dare get to the bottom of this mystery.

“Even the strongest guilds struggle with this room,” said Zydan.

Asira took one step forward, then three steps backwards.

“There’s no way through,” said Asira. “It’s like you just spammed the room with traps!”

“Indeed I did!” said Zydan. “It took me a hundred attempts to clear this room without debug. Too bad you get just one.”

Shae peered past the room’s perils - on the other side was a blue key, shelved within a glass case. It resided on a glass platform forty feet away, obstructed by legions of slicing, piercing, burning things.

“We’ll never make it across,” said Asira.

“We don’t have to,” said Shae.

Shae twirled his pistols.

“PAUSE SHOT!!”

Shae estimated level two Pause Shot granted him fifteen seconds. Could be less, but it was definitely more than ten.

Pendulums halted mid-swing. Darts and lasers stood steady. All Shae had to worry about now was falling into that massive hole, and he worried about that plenty.

Fourteen Seconds

Shae dashed across the glass bridge, mindful to avoid contact with frozen traps. Lasers were still hot, darts were still pointy, and blades were still sharp.

Thirteen Seconds

Shae swung past pendulums, limboed under lasers, and darted by darts. This wasn’t so bad!

Twelve Seconds

Almost there!

“Shae, you cheating --”

Eleven Seconds

“-- bastard,” said Zydan.

Shae nearly tripped. Was Zydan talking?

Zydan floated to Shae’s side. Yup. And he was moving too.

Ten Seconds

Shae pretended not to care. Zydan shook his head at him.

“That OP ability --”

Nine Seconds

“-- needs a nerf,” said Zydan.

Shae touched down near the key. A simple pistol whip shattered the glass case around it.

Eight Seconds

“Nerf it then,” said Shae.

Shae shooed away floating shards, being careful not to poke himself.

Seven Seconds

Shae grabbed the key.

“I can’t nerf --”

Six Seconds

“-- player abilities,” said Zydan.

More than just the glass case shattered. Fissures appeared in the glass platform below. That was bad. This whole walkway was a trap, designed to execute careless players. And now Shae’s pistol had triggered it.

Five Seconds

Shae had planned to wait here until his ability recharged, but there wasn’t time; there was barely enough time to make it back.

Four Seconds

Shae sprinted across the bridge, disregarding those frozen traps. He just had to hurry and hope for the best.

Three Seconds

Red laser light scraped Shae’s arm. Ouch! A little injury wouldn’t down him. But a bad injury would send him straight down.

Two Seconds

Zydan floated into Shae’s path

“Move!” yelled Shae.

One Second

“I did!” said Zydan.

Shae leapt off the glass bridge, kicking off a static pendulum, past Zydan.

Zero Seconds

Wait, time was still frozen? Shae didn’t question it. He rolled back onto the bridge. Almost to safety --

Time resumed.

A laser scraped past Shae’s side. Darts whizzed by his head. The wind from a heavy pendulum parted his hair.

“Shae!” Asira shouted.

Shae dropped to his knees, curling into a ball.

His Pause Shot level two lasted sixteen seconds. What an awkward duration! Shae almost wanted it to be fifteen, just to make the number prettier.

Behind him, the glass platform shattered into shimmering fragments, dragging the rest of the bridge down with it.

“Shae, hurry!” yelled Asira.

There was no time to recharge. Shae glanced towards a pendulum impeding his path.

Zydan typed on a menu projected from his palm.

“Time for a hot fix,” said Zydan.

Shae dove past the pendulum with perfect timing --

At Zydan’s command, the pendulum’s speed increased tenfold, rocketing back and severing everything below Shae’s left knee.

Shae screamed in agony. This was a potentially fatal wound in real life; he would know. In Zero Space however, it would just suck until he was healed. But no healing waited for him ahead. Only Asira, and a few traps, determined to keep them apart.

“Shae!” Asira shouted again.

The glass bridge was nearly half-collapsed. A laser descended towards Shae’s abdomen, vying to reach him first.

“Time for another hot fix,” said Zydan.

Asira raised her swords. Zydan grinned at her.

“You can’t hurt me,” said Zydan. “You should know that.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you,” said Asira. “LIGHT RAY!!”

A blinding level two beam enveloped Zydan’s face. Zydan howled in irritation, clutching his six eyes with all four palms.

Asira gripped Shae’s wrists, dragging him backwards as a red laser scraped past his foot.

THIP THIP

Two darts, one for each of Asira’s wings. No more flight for Asira. But she still had her arms; that’s all she needed to drag Shae to safety, seconds before the bridge plummeted into the void.

Zydan roared, bashing pendulums with furious fists.

“No!” shouted Zydan. “I knew I made that room too easy!”

Both Feather Birds gave him the bird, trekking back through claustrophobic corridors. Shae hopped on one foot, yet somehow Asira seemed in worse condition. Her pace and breathing grew slow and sluggish.

“Look at you now,” said Zydan. “One of you lost a leg. And the other one’s poisoned!”

Asira collected the poison darts from her wings, staring at them with despondent eyes.

“That’s right,” said Zydan. “Nearly half the dungeon left, and you’re down to three people.”

“Four,” groaned Asira. “I’m still here.”

“Not for long,” said Zydan. “I assume your friends are in even worse condition.”

Umi and Lanzer were doing just fine. They stood by the keyholes, hardly a scratch between them. A large smile curved between Lanzer’s jaws, a red key spun on his finger.

“Impossible,” said Zydan.

“Easy easy easy,” said Lanzer. “A rolling boulder chased us, but Umi’s gravity power pulled it into a pit. Then we just kinda walked down and grabbed the key.”

“I love your traps Zydan!” shouted Umi. “Praise Ledgess for this fun adventure!”

“My plan worked,” said Shae.

“What plan?” asked Zydan.

“I knew if we split up, you could only fuck with one of us,” said Shae.

Zydan’s jaw dropped.

“Not so smart now are you?” asked Shae.

Shae hopped past him, inserting his key into the wall.

“Tricky bastard,” snarled Zydan.

Lanzer inserted his key.

“You’re pursuing a worthless endeavour,” said Zydan.

Both Shae and Lanzer turned their keys.

“Are you even aware of the three conditions required to enter the tower?” asked Zydan.

“Yeah, gather sixteen players,” said Shae. “Chief already did that.”

“Yup yup yup,” said Lanzer. “And beat the three guardians. The Dragon’s next. Then the Wizard Twins!”

“Indeed, but there is a third condition,” said Zydan. “Do you know what it is?”

The room trembled with Zydan’s words.

“You need permission from the game’s lead designer,” said Zydan. “Me.”

The catacomb wall parted, rocks and dust falling from the ceiling. The way forward was open, but no one was moving.

“Your task is impossible,” said Zydan. “I’ll never let you in. There’s no point in trying. Your failure is inevitable.”

Shae shrugged, hopping by Zydan.

“Let’s go,” said Shae.

Shae’s teammates followed behind.

“You remained undeterred?” asked Zydan.

“Yeah,” said Shae. “I’m relieved.”

“Relieved?” yelled Zydan. “What could you possibly be relieved about?”

“That condition doesn’t involve beating the game,” said Shae. “It just involves beating you.”