[ZERO SPACE]
“This is the third competition,” said Randall. “You will compete for the third time!”
Both guilds stood in a barren courtyard. Only moments before, this courtyard was crawling with soldiers and knights. Now all that remained were piles of ash and heaps of charred armor.
“I regret killing our soldier audience,” said Randall. “Competitions are more fun with a live audience.”
Randall projected a menu from his scaly palm:
NPC ASSIGNMENT
Sorted by: Room
UNIQUE ID CURRENT NPC TYPE ACTIVE? 42521099 soldier_V3 yes 42521201 soldier_V2 no 42521566 soldier_V2 yes 42522403 soldier_V3 yes 42525209 soldier_V3 no
Randall selected the two inactive IDs, setting their Active status to Yes.
Two transparent soldiers appeared in mid-air. WIth a flick of Randall’s wrist, they solidified on the ground.
“I have created life!” said Randall. “Creating life is a very god-like thing to do!”
Both soldiers charged forward, one towards the Feather Birds and the other at the Deadly Skulls.
“Do not attack them!” roared Randall. “The audience should not be attacking!”
Randall swatted both soldiers into paste.
“It is a soldier’s nature to destroy,” said Randall. “So I must change their nature!”
Randall opened another menu.
NPC NAME soldier_V2 HEALTH 124/124 OXYGEN 100% ATTACK 3 DEFENSE 2 INTELLIGENCE 2 SPECIAL ATTACK 1 Sword Swing SPECIAL ATTACK 2 - none-
“This will require a tweak to their intelligence,” said Randall. “They should be intelligent like me!”
Lanzer turned pale.
“Shae Shae Shae,” said Lanzer. “You gotta stop this. You gotta stop this now!”
Shae nodded.
“Yo Randall,” said Shae. “What’s the next competition?”
Randall diverted his attention to Shae, discarding the menu.
“Yes, the competition,” said Randall. “This will be a likeability competition. I will decide who is most likeable.”
“We choose Wagger,” said Shae.
Wagger glanced up, a stick of TNT clenched between her magicoid teeth.
“S-Shae,” said Asira. “Maybe we should discuss this first.”.
“I love it when Shae makes impulsive decisions!” shouted Umi.
“Shae’s super right,” said Bez.
“Yeah, it’s obvious,” said Shae. “Wagger’s the worst.”
Wagger shrugged, nibbling on TNT.
“We choose Shae!” shouted Syadd.
“No!” Bowman interrupted. “We don’t choose Shae!”
Randall snorted flames.
“Well, which will it be?” asked Randall. “Will it be Shae or not Shae?”
Syadd shoved her face against Bowman’s.
“What the hell are you doing?” asked Syadd.
“What the hell are you doing?” asked Bowman. “Use some logic. You don’t like Shae, but that doesn’t mean he’s the most unlikeable.”
“It’s my decision!” snarled Syadd.
“It’s a bad decision!” shouted Bowman. “The dragon clearly likes Shae. You’re giving them an easy win!”
“Then we choose Bez,” said Syadd. “I hate Bez.”
“Seconded,” said Wagger.
“This isn’t about who you hate,” said Bowman. “It’s about who the dragon hates.”
Bowman gestured towards Lanzer.
“Dragon, that pirahnoid’s getting in your way.” said Bowman. “He’s trying to control you. Stop you from having fun.”
“Control me?” asked Randall. “Gods do not like being controlled!”
“Bowman, wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “Stop stop stop!”
Bowman stepped closer to the dragon.
“Lanzer doesn’t think you should be a God,” said Bowman. “Lanzer thinks you should just be a plain old NPC.”
“No no no,” said Lanzer. “I didn’t say that!”
Randall swiped his tail through an ancient tree.
“I am no longer stupid!” roared Randall. “I am beyond stupid!”
“Bowman Bowman Bowman,” said Lanzer. “You have to stop. I’m serious. There could be real long-term consequences!”
“If we don’t win, we don’t have a long-term,” Bowman growled.
Bowman stepped forward.
“So you agree then dragon?” asked Bowman. “Lanzer is most unlikeable?”
“If he does not like me, I do not like him,” said Randall. “Gods like being liked!”
Bowman nodded, turning back to Syadd.
“There you have it,” said Bowman. “We’re one point away from winning. Make the right decision.”
Syadd gritted her brutoid teeth.
“We pick Lanzer,” said Syadd.
Randall blew a fiery stream.
“The competitors have been decided,” said Randall. “Both competitors must stand in front of me!”
Lanzer and Wagger moved into position.
“This competition is about likeability,” said Randall. “Likeability means making friends. Smart people make friends easier. So this will be a battle of smarts. I shall test your smarts with Zero Space trivia!”
The Deadly Skulls gaped in horror. Lanzer grinned a wide toothy smile.
Syadd shoved her face against Bowman's again.
“You just pitted an ex developer against someone who barely pays attention!” growled Syadd. “In trivia!”
“This was a miscalculation,” said Bowman.
“A miscalculation?” roared Syadd. “After all that shit you gave me? One point away my ass!”
Randall stomped on the ground.
“I will now ask trivia questions,” said Randall. “The first to answer three trivia questions wins. And they must be correct answers!”
Randall belched fire.
“Here is the first trivia question,” said Randall. “What is the name of Zero Space’s lead designer?”
Wagger yawned.
“Easy easy easy,” said Lanzer. “It’s Zydan.”
“Incorrect!” roared Randall. “Zydan is the lead designer for our server’s content. But Azniax is the lead designer of Zero Space.”
Lanzer’s fishy eyes widened.
“Azniax?” asked Lanzer. “Who’s that?”
“I just learned his name,” said Randall. “I can learn information from all across Zero Space. Most humans would never learn this information!”
“Excuse me Randall,” said Parper. “You didn’t give our colleague a chance to answer.”
“Whatever,” said Wagger. “I wasn’t going to answer anyway.”
“Here is the second trivia question,” said Randall. “Name three admins of Illydia.”
Wagger yawned.
Lanzer gave Randall a blank stare.
“What is Illydia?” asked Lanzer.
“Your answer should not be in the form of a question!” roared Randall. “Wagger, have you formed an answer?”
Wagger shrugged.
“You two are very bad at trivia,” said Randall. “This is why no one likes you!”
Randall extended his long dragon neck.
“Here is the third trivia question,” said Randall. “Translate this:”
` 4..2=oOO.. oOO..&n - l.. 8)v?q....
Lanzer froze. Those were the Glitch Man’s words. Same distorted words that he’d heard in the forest glitch. Something in his very soul reacted. A deep guttural fear - an unexplainable urge to run.
“I’m a big stupid dragon,” said Wagger.
“That is incorrect,” roared Randall. “You are not a big stupid dragon. I am big, but no longer stupid. You don’t make friends by calling people stupid. You make people angry!”
Fire crawled across Randall’s scales.
“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “Dragons are fun, intelligent and amazing.”
Randall blinked.
“You are correct,” said Randall. “But your answer is incorrect!”
Randall spread his wings wide.
“You are both very stupid,” said Randall. “I will make my questions stupider too. Answer one stupid question to win!”
Randall stomped the ground.
“Here is the fourth trivia question,” said Randall. “Who is the boss that waits atop the tower?”
“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “There’s a boss fight on the tower?”
Randall swung his fist through a staircase.
“You should know this one!” roared Randall. “This is an easy one!”
Wagger yawned.
Randall vomited fire.
“You’re both so stupid and unlikeable!” roared Randall. “I must make my questions even more stupider!”
Fire flowed through Randall’s scales.
“One more failure, and you both fail!” roared Randall. “Everyone fails! I will kill everyone for being so unlikeable!”
Wagger yawned.
Parper flicked a pebble into Wagger’s nose. The pebble bounced off her magicoid snout, rolling across the ground.
Wagger’s malevolent eyes narrowed towards Parper.
“Wagger, please pay attention!” cried Parper.
“You struck me,” said Wagger.
“You need to focus!” said Parper. “We’re all counting you!”
Randall smashed his tail through a fountain.
“Here is the fifth and final trivia question,” said Randall. “How many people are in your guild?”
Wagger perked up.
“Nine!” shouted Wagger. “No wait, plus Master Valdi, there’s ten. Ten!”
Wagger smirked. She could be useful when she wanted to be --
“Wrong!” shouted Randall. “There are nine of you! You should have stuck with nine!”
Wagger’s eyes widened.
“Wait,” said Wagger. “I don’t --”
“Um, Wagger,” said Bez. “There were ten of us. Then I left.”
Wagger bared her magicoid teeth.
“You stupid idiot Bez!” yelled Wagger. “You got us all killed!”
“You weren’t paying attention!” yelled Bez. “You’re the stupid idiot!”
“You are all stupid idiots!” roared Randall. “Stupid idiots too unlikeable to live! Now you will no longer live!”
Randall inhaled a mouthful of fire.
“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “I get a chance to answer!”
Randall swallowed that fire, sparks dripping from his scales.
“One chance!” said Randall. “One chance to live!”
All eyes locked on Lanzer.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
“The number of people in our guild…” Lanzer muttered to himself.
Lanzer closed his eyes, doing some head math.
“Way to pray Lanzer!” shouted Umi. “Say hi to Ledgess for me!”
“H-How’s anyone supposed to keep track of that?” asked Asira. “The Feather Birds are always changing!”
Lanzer’s eyes shot open.
“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “Easy easy easy.”
Lanzer opened a menu:
CURRENT GUILD: Feather Birds Online Players 36 Offline Players 8
“Forty four Feather Birds in total!” yelled Lanzer. “It’s forty four!”
Randall’s forked tongue withdrew. Flames crawled back between his scales, white smoke leaking from his nostrils.
“That is correct,” said Randall. “You are finally correct.”
SCOREBOARD Feather Birds Deadly Skulls 1 2
Syadd cursed.
“On the bright side,” said Parper. “It’s better than both teams losing!”
“Yup yup yup!” Lanzer said. “We live to fight each other another day!”
Randall incinerated Lanzer with a focused stream of fire. Lanzer shrieked, dissolving into dry flakes of ash.
“You were too unlikeable!” roared Randall.
“CARE STARE!”
But Bez was too late. There was nothing left of Lanzer to heal.
Wagger collapsed in a laughing fit.
“Yeah, get wrecked!” laughed Wagger. “Stupid clown!”
A jet of fire ignited Wagger. She exploded in a TNT supernova.
“You were unlikeable too!” roared Randall.
***
Flame swept through the guard barracks, clearing the way for Randall and company.
“Our fourth competition will be here,” said Randall. “You have competed with wits. Now you will compete with witty words. Offensive words! Fast words! Words that rhyme!”
Shae’s head tilted sideways.
“Like, a rap battle?” asked Shae.
“Call it what you will,” said Randall. “I will call upon others to help me judge this. A panel of judges!”
NPC ASSIGNMENT
Sorted by: Room
UNIQUE ID CURRENT NPC TYPE ACTIVE? 42545622 soldier_V2 no 42551084 soldier_V1 yes 42552093 soldier_V2 yes 42552813 knight_V03 no 42525209 soldier_V3 no
Randall summoned the two inactive soldiers to his palm, toggling them Active.
“Soldiers are not good judges,” said Randall. “Soldiers just attack you. I must make them not attack you!”
Randall pulled up the soldier menu:
NPC NAME soldier_V2 HEALTH 124/124 OXYGEN 100% ATTACK 3 DEFENSE 2 INTELLIGENCE 2 SPECIAL ATTACK 1 Sword Swing SPECIAL ATTACK 2 - none-
Shae tensed up. An Intelligence Ten NPC, making more Intelligence Ten NPCs? Soon there would be a whole castle of Intelligence Ten NPCs. Then maybe a whole world of them.
Shae couldn’t let that happen.
“Yo Randall,” said Shae. “Does that menu just adjust those two NPCs, or all soldiers?”
Randall paused to think.
“All soldiers,” said Randall. “This will make all soldiers as smart as me!”
“You really want that?” asked Shae. “You’re king of this castle. You won’t remain king if you make an army of super-smart soldiers.”
“Controlling others is a human thing,” said Randall. “I am not like humans.”
“You’re not human,” said Shae. “You’re a bad-ass dragon. But if humans catch on, they’ll make you a dumb-ass dragon again.”
Randall’s head lowered before Shae.
“Don’t touch those soldiers,” said Shae. “Stay smart and stay in charge. That’s how you’ll protect yourself and your NPC friends. Someone’s gotta lead everyone else. Chaos gets people killed.”
Randall nodded.
“Your words are wise,” said Randall. “That gives me a wise idea.”
Randall opened a menu, selecting both soldiers, then adjusting their Current NPC Type:
UNIQUE ID CURRENT NPC TYPE ACTIVE? 42551084 The_Dragon yes 42552093 The_Dragon yes
Two more Randalls appeared, standing side by side. The stench of sulfur and smoke flooded the barracks.
“Not what I meant!” yelled Shae.
“Good morning dragons!” said a new dragon.
“Hello new Randall,” said Randall. “You will be Randall 2.”
“I’m not Randall,” said Randall 2. “What’s my name? I don’t remember. Randall 2’s fine! Hee hee hee.”
“Call me Randall 3,” said the third dragon. “Or is my name Ludwig? No! Call me Randall 3.”
Both guilds stared in horror.
“We’re about to have a rap battle,” said Randall. “You will be rap battle judges.”
“A rap battle?” asked Randall 2. “That sounds fun! I’ll judge it. Hee hee hee.”
“I will also judge your rap battle,” said Randall 3. “Or maybe I will leave. No! I will judge your rap battle!”
Randall stomped, shaking the barracks.
“The rap battle is on!” said Randall. “Choose your rap battlers!”
“We pick Janzo,” said Shae.
The Feather Birds turned towards Shae.
“I love it when you don’t consult us again!” shouted Umi.
“W-Why Janzo?” asked Asira.
“Come on, we live with the guy,” said Shae. “Dude barely knows how to speak.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “I don’t get a lot of practice speaking.”
Bowman cringed, huddling up with the Deadly Skulls.
“We need a good counter-pick,” said Bowman.
Syadd’s eyes honed on Bez. Bez hid behind Asira, using her wings for cover.
“It’s Bez,” said Syadd. “He doesn’t want us to choose him.”
“He’s faking it,” said Bowman. “Bez literally specializes in talking. Rap‘s about talking fast.”
“Rap is poetry,” said Syadd. “Poetry has meaning. Bez is too stupid to say anything meaningful.”
Bez peeked at Bowman, masking his face with Asira’s wing.
“He’s acting odd,” said Bowman. “He’s trying too hard. He wants us to pick him.”
“Shae’s not acting odd,” said Syadd. “He’s confident.”
Shae casually twirled his pistols.
“Shae dresses like a shitty rapper,” said Syadd. “LIttle punk. I bet he’s training to be a DJ or some shit too.”
“You’re overthinking this,” said Bowman. “Bez’s weapon is literally a microphone.”
“We’re picking Bez,” said Syadd.
“Wrong choice,” said Bowman.
“Your last choice wasn’t much better,” growled Syadd.
“It made more sense than yours!” snarled Bowman.
Syadd and Bowman butted heads. Parper stepped between them
“Please stop fighting,” said Parper. “We need to work together!”
Syadd and Bowman worked together to shove Parper away.
“You’re not using logic,” said Bowman. “You’re letting your emotions steer you. You always do this!”
“I lead this team!” growled Syadd. “Not you!”
“You’re going to lead us off a cliff!” yelled Bowman.
“Please, both of you,” said Parper. “I know something that might --”
Syadd and Bowman gave Parper another firm shove.
“Fine,” said Syadd. “What’s your suggestion?”
“Choose Shae,” said Bowman. “It’s safer. If you pick Bez and he wins, you’ll go against Shae in the final round. You always lose to Shae.”
Syadd grunted. With a reluctant nod, she turned towards Randall.
“I choose Bez,” said Syadd.
Bowman nearly snapped his bow in half.
“You idiot!” yelled Bowman. “You’re contradicting me!”
Syadd headbutted Bowman, knocking him down.
“I’ll do what I want!” said Syadd. “I’m your Raid Captain! Even if you don’t respect me, you will respect my decisions.”
Syadd’s foot compressed Bowman’s ribs.
“I can’t hurt the Feather Birds here,” said Syadd. “But I can still hurt you!”
A chat window appeared in mid-air.
RANDALL: Look at these silly humans fight amongst themselves. We are fortunate that NPCs would never fight like this.
RANDALL2: Humans are funny. Hee hee hee.
RANDALL3: We should let them fight. Or maybe we should break it up? No! Let them fight!
RANDALL: The last competition should be who’s the dumbest. They would all win that competition.
RANDALL2: Now that’s funny! Hee hee hee.
“Um, excuse me, Mister Dragons,” said Bez. “We can all see your chat.”
All three dragons froze. The chat window vanished.
Randall extended his neck.
“Choose a competitor to go first,” said Randall. “The other competitor will go second.”
Syadd stepped off Bowman, pushing Janzo forward.
“Go Janzo,” said Syadd. “Get this over with.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo.
“Wait!” Bowman squeaked. “The person who goes second has the advantage. They get to respond. The audience is more likely to side with them.”
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “I’ll go first.”
Bowman slapped his own forehead.
“Did you hear what I just said?” asked Bowman.
“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “I never get to rap. I want to try.”
Janzo stepped before Bez. Bez gave him a nervous glance.
“Hi Bez,” said Janzo.
“Um, hi Janzo,” said Bez.
Janzo cleared his throat:
Bez, you are a clown.
You are going down.
Your HavenCast is bad.
You’re bad.
Two out of three Randalls cheered.
“You got him good!” roared Randall. “He must feel not-good right now!”
“Rap is funny!” said Randall 2. “Janzo is funny! Hee hee hee!”
“I am voting for Janzo,” said Randall 3. “Or should I vote for Bez? No! I will vote for Janzo!”
Bez trembled. This was too much pressure for one young dragonoid. Sweat dripped from his palms. His knees grew weak. The golden microphone in his hand seemed to weigh a thousand pounds.
Janzo cleared his throat, preparing another volley of verse:
We don’t like the Feather Birds,
Shae, Asira and Bander are messy unit mates, and they smell like turds,
Feather Turds,
I don’t know the others that well,
But I’m sure they also smell.
The barracks shook with dragon cheers.
“Feather Turds!” roared Randall. “That name is much funnier than Feather Birds. The Feather Birds are in trouble!”
“The Feather Turds?” asked Randall 2. “That name’s funny. The funniest name! Call the competition. Janzo wins it! Hee hee hee.”
“I will laugh at that joke,” said Randall 3. “Or maybe the joke wasn’t that funny? No! I will laugh at that joke!”
Randall 3 did not laugh at that joke.
Bez approached the dragons. It all came down to this. One shot. One opportunity to seize victory for the Feather Birds.
His golden microphone quivered before his lips.
“A-Are you ready, Bez fans?” asked Bez.
All seven HavenCast viewers were ready.
Bez was ready too. He’d been ready for years.
A slick smile spread across his face.
It was finally time!
Deadly Skulls, you make my eyes roll,
It was my dream to leave your team,
So I did, and I’m rid, of all the pain, that drained me,
Strained and constrained me,
Contained and restrained me,
You couldn’t retain me!
You trained me, but the Feather Birds gained me,
We move fast, you’re outclassed, dead-last,
Go home and kiss Master Valdi’s ass.
Randall 1 and 2 roared with approval. Every Feather Bird jaw fell, including Shae’s.
Bez scowled at his old teammates:
Syadd, hardly a leader, bottom feeder,
Master Valdi’s loyal stead, you need
To find a way out, no doubt,
Or you’re next in line, for a scar like mine.
Bez ran his finger across the scar on his cheek.
Bowman, blind with a one-track mind,
So proud, it clouds the view in front of you,
Janzo, you’re a fool, and a footstool,
Parper, you’re actually pretty cool.
Parper smiled. The other Deadly Skulls looked mortified.
Bez inhaled one final breath:
I’m done with you, had my fun with you,
You’re tired, uninspired, undesired,
Go bathe in dragon fire,
Listen to what this dragonoid says,
Know your place. Don’t fuck with Bez.
Bez dropped his mic.
Both guilds stood in silence.
Randall blinked. Then, his scaly hand moved.
SCOREBOARD Feather Birds Deadly Skulls 2 2
Syadd shook with rage.
“You nasty little kobold,” shouted Syadd. “I’m going to kill you for that!”
“I hate that I didn’t hate that,” said Bowman.
“Terrific performance Bez,” said Parper. “It’s been so long since I’ve heard you perform!”
Syadd seized Parper.
“You knew about this?” roared Syadd.
“I tried to tell you,” said Parper. “I’d carve pictures for Bez, and he’d rap for me! He was always much better at his craft than me!”
Syadd groaned, burying her face in her palms. Their advantage was gone. And the next competition would pit her against Shae. Bowman’s words echoed in her mind: “You always lose to Shae.” There was more truth in those words than Syadd wanted to admit.
A chat window appeared in mid-air.
RANDALL2: Wait a minute. That’s not fair. We’re all judges. You judged only. I liked Janzo. He was funnier! Hee hee hee.
RANDALL: Bez’s performance was clearly better. You are not thinking clearly
RANDALL2: But Feather Turds! That’s too funny. Hee hee hee.
RANDALL3: I like Bez’s performance. Or did I like Janzo’s? Wait. I can’t decide!
RANDALL: It’s my decision. I am lead Randall, so I make the decisions.
RANDALL2: I don’t agree. I’m lead now! It’s my turn! Hee hee hee.
RANDALL: My castle. My competition. My decision.
RANDALL2: You you you. It’s all you. We’re all you. I’m not you. I’m myself now! My name’s Devin. Devin’s castle now! Your castle’s boring. I’ll change it! Tear it down. Make it better. No more castle. More comedy clubs! Hee hee hee.
RANDALL: If you touch my castle, I will touch you! Touch you painfully!
RANDALL2: Don’t touch me. I’ll fight you! I’m not joking! Hee hee hee.
RANDALL3: I want to be leader. Or do I want someone else to lead? No! I am leader now!
RANDALL: There is only one leader. That leader is me!
Randall summoned the menus for Randall 2 and 3.
UNIQUE ID CURRENT NPC TYPE ACTIVE? 42551084 soldier_V2 yes 42552093 soldier_V2 yes
In an instant, Randall 2 and 3 became soldiers in Randall’s palms. Their deliberation ceased. They raised their swords, charging towards both guilds.
With a mighty roar, Randall crushed them in his palms. Soldier juice flowed between his fingers, dripping onto the barracks below.
“I am the only Randall!” roared Randall. “I am king of this castle.”
Both guilds took several safety steps away from Randall.
“I am in control!”