[THE HAVEN]
Jay woke up, cuddling his computer like a green glowing teddy bear - he hoped this wasn’t his permanent respawn position. The unit’s previous tenants didn’t clean the floor; crumbs and dust clung to Jay’s bloody outfit. At least there wasn’t a wound beneath all that blood.
Resting by Jay’s hands were Shae’s Pistols. His eyes scanned them over; they looked just like in-game. Against the drab beige carpet, they stood out like sore purple thumbs. He attempted to spin them --
BANG BANG
Two fresh knicks in the wall. That would void the security deposit. Gun-twirling seemed better left to Shae.
KNOCK KNOCK
Jay froze. Did someone outside hear the shots? That didn’t seem possible. Those doors were built to keep out everything, even sound. That could only mean --
-- Jay opened the door.
“Hi Jay!” said Esara. “‘Scuse me.”
Esara nudged past Jay, dragging a suitcase and computer behind her.
“Enforcers came around Heals, but they didn’t find your body,” said Esara. “That’s how I knew you were --”
Esara paused, staring at Jay. There was no doubt about it - it was really him standing in front of her.
“You’ve, um, got a small place,” said Esara. “Danny has bigger Units. That’s just like him to skimp on a deal.”
Esara glanced over at Jay’s bed.
“Where am I supposed to sleep?” asked Esara.
“The floor,” Jay said.
Esara glared at Jay.
“I mean, I guess you can sleep in the bed with me,” said Jay.
“You can sleep on the floor,” said Esara.
“It’s my room,” said Jay.
“Who do you think got you this room?” Esara asked.
“Danny,” said Jay. “And he can’t sleep in my bed either.”
Esara sighed.
“Fine,” she said, rolling a sheet across the floor. “Just make some desk space for my kit.”
Jay was happy to oblige. It would be cramped, but there were fortunately two chairs. Esara assembled her computer, then tapped her headset.
“Alright, I’m ready,” said Esara. “Let’s go!”
“Go where?” asked Jay.
“To get me a Level 2 material, of course!” said Esara. “You still owe me one.”
“No I don’t,” said Jay. “I’m giving you a place to stay.”
“That’s payment for your new unit,” said Esara. “This material is for you kicking me from the Goblin King mission. You actually owed me two!”
[ZERO SPACE]
“PIERCING SHOT!”
Shae’s purple bullet wedged itself through a goblin’s face, shattering its teeth, rupturing its eyes, and digging through its brain.
But the goblin was fine. He leapt back to his feet.
“I’m Snurmlarrigh the Invincible!” the goblin yelled. “You can’t beat me!”
The goblin leapt into the air.
“GRAVITY SMASH!”
Umi’s warhammer collided with the ground, catching the goblin in its orbit. A follow-up swing splattered the goblin’s head.
But the goblin was fine. He leapt back to his feet.
“I’m Snurmlarrigh the Invincible!” the goblin yelled. “You can’t beat me!”
“SHADOW STAB!!”
A thousand spears blended the goblin into a chunky red paste.
But the goblin was fine. He leapt back to his feet.
“I’m Snurmlarrigh the Invincible!” the goblin yelled. “You can’t beat me!”
“Screw this,” said Dalli.
Dall ripped his spear out of the ground then stomped away, joining Shae and Lanzer near the edge of the sunny forest clearing.
“We’re never going to get that Level 2 material,” said Dalli. “This is a waste of time,”
“Nope nope nope,” said Lanzer. “We can beat him, but we have to grab him first!”
Asira sliced at the goblin with both swords. “He won’t hold still!”
The goblin cartwheeled over Asira, biting out her throat.
“Ughhhh,” said Bander. “SELFLESS SAVIOR!”
Asria was back on her feet. The goblin went for a second bite, but Umi ensnared him in a brutal bearhug.
“Okay, I got him!” Umi shouted. “Now what?”
“Great great great!” said Lanzer. “All you have to do is --”
The goblin bit through Umi’s throat.
“Nevermind,” said Lanzer.
“SELFLESS SAVIOR!”
Umi rose with a laugh, chasing after the goblin with his warhammer held high.
“Go easy on the heals, idiots,” said Bander. “I’m already down to 8 SP.”
“This is hopeless,” groaned Dalli.
“Hey hey hey,” Lanzer said. “I told you all what to do. You just have to do it!”
“My turn,” said Shae.
Shae stepped forward, aiming his pistols high.
“PIERCING SHOT!!”
This wasn’t an ordinary Piercing Shot. A massive purple bullet ripped through the goblin’s torso, creating a hole big enough to crawl through. The bullet continued further, splintering trees and collapsing a distant villager hut.
But the goblin was fine. He leapt back to his feet.
“I’m Snurmlarrigh the Invincible!” the goblin yelled. “You can’t beat me!”
“What?” yelled Shae. “That was a Level 2!”
Dalli groaned. Lanzer just shrugged.
“Yup yup yup,” said Lanzer. “That’s not how you beat him. I told you!”
“What kind of idiot designed this boss?” Shae shouted.
[THE HAVEN]
A slender man in a black cloak shredded a computer keyboard with rapid keystrokes. Decorative rings amplified the noise. Blue lava lamps surrounded him with a cyan glow, as if he was centerstage in a dramatic play.
He peered into a spreadsheet:
NPC NAME Snurmlarrigh_The_Invincible HEALTH 999,999,874/999,999,999 OXYGEN 100% ATTACK 10 DEFENSE 10 INTELLIGENCE 3 SPECIAL ATTACK 1 Neck Bite SPECIAL ATTACK 2 -none-
He scanned the spreadsheet for any anomalies, flicking blue hair from his eyes.
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“Hey Zydan,” said a voice behind him.
Zydan swivelled in his rolly chair, staring towards a balding man with a bushy red beard.
“Hey coder,” said Zydan.
“It’s Joe,” said the bearded man. “Call me Joe.”
“I’ll call you what I want, coder,” said Zydan. “You will be, Coder Joe.”
Coder Joe sighed.
“Look, can you just tell me how the Catacombs spike traps are supposed to work?” said Coder Joe. “I messaged you hours ago.”
“It’s pretty simple Coder Joe,” said Zydan, leaning back in his chair. “The player steps on one, and they get spiked.”
“Are they instant death?” asked Coder Joe. “Or is there a delay?”
“They come out instantly,” said Zydan.
“That seems unfair,” said Coder Joe.
“I’m the designer, you’re the programmer,” Zydan said. “If I want your feedback, I’ll ask for it. Now go make me some spike traps.”
Coder Joe gave him a mighty eyeroll, then departed.
Zydan smirked and turned back towards his monitors. Today was a special occasion - players rarely challenged Snurmlarrigh The Invincible. Their defeat was inevitable, but it was always entertaining.
Wait -- something was wrong:
NPC NAME Snurmlarrigh_The_Invincible HEALTH 999,999,862/999,999,999 OXYGEN 78%
Snurmlarrigh’s health was near-infinite, yet his oxygen was depleting. This was an exploit Zydan hadn’t accounted for. He quickly opened a list of special powers:
Goblin Special Powers {PAGE 1} Boiling Broth Killer Hug Foul Odor
There had to be something in here. One of these powers would --
“Yo Zydan!” said another voice behind him. “What’s happening my dude?”
Zydan gritted his teeth. He turned to face a woman in a fedora, thick-lens glasses, and a scarf. This scarf wasn’t just for show; it was freezing in here. Zydan liked it cold.
“I’m busy,” growled Zydan.
“Hey, me too!” the woman said. “We have a lot in common. Anyway, I’m gonna need some deets on those Catacombs spike traps. What do they look like?”
Zydan smeared his face with his hand.
“They’re spikes,” said Zydan. “They’re pointy. They hurt. You’re the artist. Figure it out.”
“Sure, but like, can you see them ahead of time?” she asked. “What color are they?”
“You can’t see them ahead of time,” said Zydan. “And I don’t care what color they are.”
“Got it,” said the artist. “So they’re like, completely invisible until you step on them?”
“Yes,” said Zydan. “Now please, go away.”
“You got it!” said the artist. “Super Duper’s on the job!”
And with that, Super Duper skipped into the darkness. Most of the dev team found it hard to work with the lights off, but Zydan liked it dark.
Zydan refreshed his spreadsheet:
NPC NAME Snurmlarrigh_The_Invincible HEALTH 999,999,844/999,999,999 OXYGEN 38%
Snurmlarrigh’s oxygen was even lower now. What was happening in there? Zydan grabbed his Zero Space headset. It was time to find out --
“Zydan,” said another voice behind him.
Zydan whipped around in his chair.
“For the love of Triyya,” yelled Zydan. “WHAT?”
A skinny man in a mohawk stared back at him. Two huge rings dangled from his ears like a pair of wide eyes.
“You can’t make the spike traps like that,” said the man.
Zydan cursed, slamming his keyboard against the desk multiple times.
“Players can’t see them, they’re insta-kills, and there’s tons of them,” the man continued. “They’re not fun.”
“Kyle, I’m the designer!” said Zydan. “I decide what’s fun!”
“The players decide what’s fun,” said Kyle. “And I’m a designer too.”
“You’re a junior designer,” said Zydan. “I’m your senior. I get final say.”
Kyle clenched his fists. Zydan grinned and leaned back in his chair.
“Besides Kyle, fun isn’t a metric,” said Zydan. “Fun is subjective.”
“These spikes are objectively impossible,” said Kyle.
“They’re a community challenge,” said Zydan. “Players will need to work together to figure out where they are.”
“And once they do, you’ll change them all again!” Kyle yelled. “You always do this. I swear, it’s like you’re sabotaging us.”
“You’re out of line,” said Zydan.
“And you’re out of your mind!”
“Kyle!” Coder Joe called out from behind a cubicle. “Zydan’s right. Drop it.”
Zydan grinned.
“You see?” asked Zydan. “The whole dev team agrees with me. Now go back to your seat.”
Kyle shook with rage, then stormed away.
Zydan smirked, turing back to the task at hand:
NPC NAME Snurmlarrigh_The_Invincible HEALTH 0/999,999,999 OXYGEN 0%
Too late - Snurmlarrigh was dead. How could this happen? No matter; his next iteration of Snumrlarrigh would be even more invincible.
***
Kyle stomped past rows of dim cubicles, cornering Coder Joe against the drink fridge.
“Joe, what the hell?” asked Kyle. “Why’d you side with him?”
“It’s not worth it,” said Coder Joe. “Trust me. Just let him have that one.”
“But he’s wrong!” said Kyle.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Joe. “You gotta pick your battles.”
Joe reached into the fridge, retrieving a bottle of carbonated caffeine.
“Look, you’re new, you’re passionate, I get it,” said Coder Joe. “But good designers don’t last long around here. If you push that guy too hard, you’re gonna find out why.”
[ZERO SPACE]
Snurmlarrigh the Invincible lay dead on the ground, his face compressed beneath Umi’s belly. The brutoid had several bitemarks on his stomach, a few on his arms and legs, and even one or two on his rear.
“Dear Ledgess,” said Umi. “I know this goblin was an NPC, but please, forgive the terrible things I did to him.”
“Nice job, fatty,” said Bander.
“That was unpleasant,” said Dalli.
“Yup yup yup,” said Lanzer. “But it worked, didn’t it?”
Asira tore through the Goblin’s chest with her swords, ripping out a heart made of pure steel.
“I got it!” yelled Asira. “The Level 2! It’s all mine!”
“Now we’re even,” said Shae. “No more favors.”
“Deal!” Asira yelled, giving Shae a tight hug. “I don’t care if I have to sleep on the floor. I got a Level Twooooooooo.”
“Yup yup yup!” said Lanzer. “And we did it with only five people. Amazing! This mission supports up to ten!”
“Shae,” said Umi. “Why didn’t you invite Sizey or Danger Face? Sizey would have been great at this. He’s huge!”
“I invited Danger Face,” said Shae. “Guess he’s still mad at me.”
“I’ve got a level twoooooooooo,” Asira cheered again. “Goodbye, stupid useless level one power!”
Asira’s energy was infectious, but like a plague. Shae needed reprieve.
[THE HAVEN]
Jay tore off his headset, collapsing into his chair. The mission had drained more than just his SP. He glanced at Esara, still in her headset. Her mouth hung open, droopy and drooling. Did Jay look like that goofy while playing Zero Space? Maybe he didn’t want to know.
A chat window opened up on his computer:
SIZEMATTERS1420: hey guess what
SIZEMATTERS1420: we’re doing the dragon next
Jay groaned.
SHAE: What do you want?
SIZEMATTERS1420: it actually requires a team of 8
SIZEMATTERS1420: too bad your on rat duty
SIZEMATTERS1420: it would have been “mice” to have you on the team
SIZEMATTERS1420: get it? because mice is a type of rat
With a vocal sigh, Jay turned his head towards a bandaged man sitting cross-legged in a black puddle.
Jay’s body went numb. Danny’s guard was here - in his room.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” asked the bandaged man. “I don’t like it when people look at me.”
Jay reached down slowly, gripping Shae’s pistols. They were under the desk, concealed from view.
“How did you get in here?” Jay asked.
“The window,” the bandaged man said. “Same way you got in.”
Jay’s eyes opened wide
“I’m here to remind you that Danny wants an exotic,” said the bandaged man.
“I don’t need reminders,” said Jay. “I’m working on it.”
“That’s good,” said the bandaged man. “Because if you don’t deliver, you will die. And then you will suffer.”
Jay paused. “Don’t you mean, suffer and then die?”
“That’s fine, we can do it your way,” said the bandaged man.
Jay regretted his remark. The bandaged man stood; he was far taller than Jay remembered.
“Two days,” said the bandaged man.