JESSIE : LEVEL 2
DAY 6 : F-DAY, FIRSTWEEK, AGNI, YEAR 1
TOWN OF ALL BEGINNINGS 2 : BENCH 1 : PRINCIPALS
As Jessica the Racist Human Cleric walked into town, with no other prompting, its entire population stared straight at her.
A man off to the side waved a handkerchief. “Oh mmmyyy, if it isn’t a cleric.”
His wife rolled on the ground next to him, jerking uncontrollably from the excitement as though she was a teacher who’d just spotted fairy god parents. “I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING AS IMPRESSIVE AS YOUR MERE EXISTENCE!!!”
A Fighter walked down the street in the opposite direction with slumped shoulders. He raised his head from a depressive downwards stare when he almost bumped into Jessica. As soon as their eyes met, he jumped far out of her way. Having ensured he wasn’t inconveniencing the greatest gamer he’d ever seen, he just stared at the legend before him, eyes boggling at her glorious class. “OH, EHM, GEE, ZUSS, THAT’S SO FRUITING IMPORTANT!!!”
His Rogue companion, having been careful not to cross paths with the cleric in the first place, stood at the end of the street. His feet trembled even as he couldn’t help but bring voice to his true feelings. “BE MY SON IN REAL LIFE!!!”
Bemused but used to it by now, Jessica couldn’t help but blush at the unexpected praise. So she started by addressing the Rogue. “I’m a girl though…”
The crowd immediately dispersed, muttering all the while in equally discernible, equally loud, equally judgmental vitriol.
The first man recoiled in disgust, throwing the handkerchief he’d been waving on the ground and stomping it. “Blegh! How repellent.”
The rogue sidled up to his Fighter friend to project a whisper, ineffectually blocking his mouth from view with a hand. “That’s so racist.”
Jessica the Racist Human Cleric was outraged at the societal implication. As though it was okay to be racist as long as you were a guy? Even relative to sexism in general that made no sense. Right? That was right, right? Whatever. She already didn’t care about this game’s stupid labels anyway. Even if literally everyone else did…
Distractedly walking through the new town, Jessica almost tripped over a loose stone.
On further investigation, the stone was perfectly round. Which was… Rare. Or was it? But what could you do with a loose stone, regardless of roundness?
With a shrug, she opted to treat it like an undersized soccer ball and kick it up and over a nearby escarpment.
The stone got more air than expected though. After a whistling arc somehow fully audible despite the distance, it hit a dragon that happened to be flying above a nearby savannah.
Upon impact, the dragon went completely rigid and careened diagonally downward in exactly the same way Jessica once saw in the video of a plane crash. After a harrowing, yet futile attempt to right itself, the dragon only succeeded in stalling into a terminal spin before landing in a group of inexplicably high-level Oil Golems.
A few seconds later, everyone in the town got blown over by a gale-force wall of wind from the resulting mushroom cloud.
Not privy to any of these events after the stone crested the high wall, my day is once again interrupted.
This time, the culprit is nine overlayed copies of the same disembodied voice, screaming over music in my head like a chorus of angry gods over the thunder of creation.
“BINGBONG!!! YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 2!!! THROUGH GREAT STRIFE AND LONG STRUGGLE, YOU HAVE GROWN STRONGER!!! AS A CLERIC, YOU GAIN 10 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE TO ATTRIBUTES INSTEAD OF THE USUAL 1!!! YOU ALSO GET 25% ADVANCEMENT TO THE CULTIVATION STAGE OF YOUR CHOICE!!! FUCK BITCHES!!! GET MONEY!!! CHEW BUBBLEGUM!!!”
“BINGBONG!!! YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 3!!! THROUGH GREAT STRIFE AND LONG STRUGGLE, YOU HAVE GROWN STRONGER!!! AS A CLERIC, YOU GAIN 10 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE TO ATTRIBUTES INSTEAD OF THE USUAL 1!!! YOU ALSO GET 25% ADVANCEMENT TO THE CULTIVATION STAGE OF YOUR CHOICE!!! FUCK BITCHES!!! GET MONEY!!! CHEW BUBBLEGUM!!!”
And so on until…
“BINGBONG!!! YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 10!!! THROUGH GREAT STRIFE AND LONG STRUGGLE, YOU HAVE GROWN STRONGER!!! AS A CLERIC, YOU GAIN 10 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE TO ATTRIBUTES INSTEAD OF THE USUAL 1!!! YOU ALSO GET 25% ADVANCEMENT TO THE CULTIVATION STAGE OF YOUR CHOICE!!! FUCK BITCHES!!! GET MONEY!!! CHEW BUBBLEGUM!!!”
Blessedly, eight of the nine disembodied voices shut the fuck up after that.
But the last screams something else. “UNIQUE CLASS UNLOCKED… STONE KICKER!!!”
Jessica The Racist Human Cleric tried to stammer out a response. “What in the flying fuc-”
But she was interrupted by the ninth voice again. “CLERIC CLASS REMOVED!!! YOU ARE NOW A STONE KICKER!!!”
Eyes drawn to movement just above her life bar, Jessica watched as the word ‘Cleric’ disappeared. Instead of ‘Jessica The Level 1 Racist Human Cleric’, she was now ‘Jessica The Level 10 Racist Human Stonekicker’.
The next second, everyone in town hurried to stand back up, immediately rushing to crowd around her again.
There was Handkerchief-Man with his handkerchief back out, waving it just like before. “OH MY GOD A STONE KICKER!!!”
And his wife. “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF ANYTHING SO IMPRESSIVE!!!”
The fighter was back too, having rushed in front of her again just in time to once more scramble out of the way. “WE NO LONGER CARE ABOUT RACISM!!!”
The rogue was next to him as always. “BE MY DAUGHTER IN REAL LIFE!!!”
At a loss for what else to do, she waved back at them. Jessica was so preoccupied with the sudden social discomfort that she didn’t notice the pipe in the middle of the road. At least not until she tripped over it. She had just enough time to shut her eyes, hold her breath, and brace for impact.
But just as my face is about to fully whip into the ground, I find myself standing rigidly upright.
[ FAILED SIDE QUEST: ESCAPE ONESHOT ]
I flinch at the popup even as I wobble in place, my equilibrium trying to come to terms with the entire world’s orientation pivoting nearly 90º, both beginning and ending in an upwards stance. Shaking my head to dissipate the vertigo, I open my eyes to find that I’ve entered Ultra Instinct. That’s not how I feel, mind you. It’s just how it looks, surrounded as I am by endless ascending beams of prismatic light flowing up from all sides.
An old man’s voice breaks through the light show from what sounds like in front of me. “Why hello there… Jessie, is it?”
Deja Vu… At least it’s someone else this time. His voice sounds so scratchy. And old. And… Kindly, maybe? I feel like I know exactly what he looks like, even without seeing him. Unless… Is this light alive? Am I inside of him right now? Thankfully, my thoughts are interrupted before they can go too far down that dumb road.
“Are you feeling alright? The Respawn System can be quite disorienting at first.”
“Hello? Who are you? I can’t see anything with all this light!”
The kindly-old-man-voice chuckles warmly. “I see… Would you like me to guide you, then?”
I shake my head just long enough to realize both how dumb I am to refuse help just now, and how much dumber I am to do so visually. “Okay, that sounds good.”
A wrinkled hand slowly fades into view, piercing through the wall of light to stop right in front of me.
At a loss, I just stare at it.
At least until the hand makes a beckoning motion as the voice comes again from the same direction. “Now then… If you please?”
Having stared at it long enough to make the whole situation incredibly awkward for us both, I finally abandon any pretense of knowing what I’m doing and just grasp the hand already.
The hand grasps back as the old-man-voice asks another question. “Ready?”
I feel like this could be a trap. But I also thought just about everything was a trap lately. “Uh… Sure-GAH!!!”
Mid-word, the hand yanks me through the wall of light before immediately letting go.
Now completely off-balance, I stumble forward and brace myself not to trip over the inevitable… Perfectly level cobblestone. Oh. I’m on a street. Like the ones in Richmond. Well maybe not exactly like that… I do seem to be standing at the edge of a mini-island in the middle of a roundabout, after all. And I don’t think Richmond had anything so fancy as a roundabout. Or cobblestone, for that matter. Let alone the liberally spread standing lanterns lending a well-lit, slightly romantic feeling to the nighttime air. The full moon hanging above it all doesn’t hurt the effect, either.
The being now definitely confirmed to be an old man and not a sentient pillar of light, looks at my wobbling with concern before hesitantly gesturing to a nearby bench. “Rather unsteady there, aren’t we? Would you perhaps like to sit down?”
Oh my god that sounds amazing. Trying to hide my excitement at the first actual seat I’ve seen in days, I merely nod in assent and try to resist the urge to sprint over there before someone else takes it. But it turns out, I don’t need to. In my increasingly unhurried jog over to the bench, I notice how everyone in the passing crowd seems to be avoiding it like the plague. I don’t even give a fuck if it’s cursed, I just wanna sit.
One diagonal walk across the street later, I feel all tension leave my legs as I plop down with a groan. It’s sooo comfortable… Wait. It’s a bench. I’ve sat on benches. How is it so comfortable? I guess the padding? Why aren’t all benches padded like this? Distractedly looking back where I walked from, I fully take in the pillar of prismatic light shooting up from the center of the roundabout. Awe… I thought it was doing a reference again. But that’s still not what this is. And why did I assume I was trapped inside of it? Fuck…
The old man unhurriedly follows in my wake, eventually taking the bench’s other seat. He lackadaisically settles into a comfortable position before paying me any mind. “Now then… From the Colonies on Earth, are we?”
My attention leaves the spawn point and zips back to him in an attempt to pretend I was listening to his question and not caught staring at the pretty lights. “Oh… Um, yeah. I’m from Earth. United States if that’s what you mean. What’s left of it, anyway…”
He throws his hands up in the air. “Wonderful! I have so much less to explain with that cultural context. At least assuming… Are you familiar with the concept of an MMORPG?”
I mean… “Yes?”
He raises an eyebrow. “You’re sure?”
Unsure of just about anything at the moment, I lyingly nod.
He smiles wider. “Have you played such a thing?”
Scanning for, and finding zero conversational escape routes from the sudden interrogative tonal shift, I simply nod again.
He raises a finger triumphantly. “So then you understand the concept of ‘respawning’?”
“Conceptually, yeah. That’s what that crazy light back there does, right?”
He smirks. “Now we’re getting somewhere. Yes, indeed. The so-called ‘crazy light back there’ is the reason you’re alive once more. The same reason I’m now speaking to a teenage girl instead of the hundreds of teenage girl chunks last seen raining down on innocent bystanders just over eight hours ago. That was quite the entrance, by the way. It’s actually why I ambushed you as I just did. Now, not to be rude, but would you mind recounting the events leading up to that most recent death?”
“My…” I gulp. “Death-” I shake my head. “Wait, no. What was that about hundreds of pieces-” I shake my head harder, ignoring the fact that my view of him is now mostly covered by a thatch of crimson hair. “Waaait… Who are you? And how do you know me?”
“Me? Why, I am The Mayor here in The Town of All Beginnings. The name’s Sennefer”
I can’t help snickering. “Really now…”
His smile stiffens. “Is something funny about that?”
“I mean… Yeah? Or does literally everyone start right here?”
At that, Sennefer unstiffens. “Oh no. There’s a Village of All Beginnings, Fresh Startsville, Adventure’s Call…” He shrugs. “And many more at that. The starting area, also known as ‘Outset’, is rather large. If you can think of a similar name for a town, you can probably find it somewhere in the region. But nobody actually starts ‘in’ a town. Even you yourself entered here by jumping a fence. Speaking of…”
Oh right. I forgot about the part where I probably wasn’t supposed to do that… “I guess you do deserve to know why I randomly died on your property… I’m not entirely clear on the whole thing myself.” I shake my head once more. “But here’s what I remember.” Then, I read him in on the last few chapters of my life. Or… Should it be ‘first few’? Was I technically ‘born’ on that hill back there? I try not to let my philosophical wanderings get in the way of being done faster as I lay out the facts as I best recall.
Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.
Sennefer doesn’t interrupt, waiting for me to finish before asking any questions. But he does have some. “Fascinating. So this ‘Spawn Camper’ you mentioned… You say he truly killed someone who’d just arrived? What exactly did this new arrival do to provoke such a thing?”
“It was like I said. He just…” I shrug. “Fell over. Does that count as doing something?”
Sennefer looks even more concerned. “Not particularly, no. You see, when one spawns in for the first time, they come equipped with an accessory that prevents damage of any sort until they perform at least one attack themselves. If all he did was fall over, what you’re saying should’ve been impossible. For you as well, come to think of it. But here you are before me, having clearly taken damage yourself. Assuming you haven’t left anything out, is it correct to say that you have also not performed a single attack?”
“I don’t really ‘get’ how ‘combat’ works. But I don’t think so, no.”
“And yet… You were killed by the backlash from a Private Area Barrier.” He looks at me sternly. “And it’s a lucky thing you were, too. Otherwise, the next place you found yourself wouldn’t have been in my little town’s even littler respawn point. And I daresay your interrogator wouldn’t be nearly so nice as myself.”
Wait, what? That raises so many questions. I don’t know where to start. Oh shit, he’s starting to look concerned. Gotta think of something to say… What’s a good question? Can I just ask that? No, that doesn’t even make sense. What makes sense? Hold on… No, I can’t ask that either. Um… I’ve got it! “Wait, what?” Genius.
Sennefer is clearly and disturbingly unconcerned at my obvious near-heart-attack just now as he proceeds not to clarify anything at all. “Young lady… What is your view on rape?”
I can’t help but physically recoil from the sheer whiplash of that change of topic before I repeat the latter half of my query. “…What?”
But he doesn’t let on at all that he was joking. “You heard me correctly. How do you look upon rapists?”
“They’re… Um, I mean… Bad?”
“That’s all? Just ‘Um, I mean… Bad’?”
Hold on, is this old dude seriously lecturing me about this? “Oh, what? They’re the scum of the earth. The fuck do you want from me here?”
Sennefer relaxes back into a kindly smile. “The Admins happen to agree with that assessment.” He sees my hand start to raise. “Not to worry, you won’t have heard of them yet. Their entire purpose is rather complicated… But for ours today, I suppose the general idea will do. You’ve heard of MMOs. So, are you also familiar with the role of a ‘moderator’?”
“They’re a kind of in-game customer support working on behalf of the developers.”
Sennefer gestures me onward. “Is that all they do?”
I shrug. “They do a lot of stuff. But you said ‘interrogator’… So do you mean their role as a kind of police force? Wait, hold on. Can you get banned from this place?”
He claps his hands, clearly happy to be getting wherever he’s going with this. “Exactly! You’ll find no fairer judges, juries, or executioners anywhere. But make no mistake… That is truly what they are. Each has the authority to remove a soul from Heaven. But they tend to reserve that punishment for repeat offenders. And egregious ones, at that. The invite you accepted to come here was sent by an authority greater even than them. So they need a damn good reason on their end, along with a lot of behind-the-scenes bureaucracy, to rescind it.”
Sennefer lets out a weary sigh. “Anyway, here’s my point. Even in a world where murder is tolerated, Rape is not. Not by them. Not ever. As far as they’re concerned, there are few offenses that match it in severity. And none that exceed it. Now, this is usually good news to teenage girls joining us for the first time. But honestly, if leaping uninvited directly into the middle of an ongoing orgy doesn’t count as rape, I don’t know what does.”
He seems to notice all the color leaving my face. “Oh, don’t worry too much, Jessie. You said you didn’t know what you were jumping into, no matter how literally. So, I don’t imagine it counted. Especially since you weren’t immediately whisked away for them to tell you all this instead of me. But make no mistake. As fair as they truly are… The admins are harsh. If I were you, I wouldn’t straddle the line so closely going forward. They don’t take too kindly to even the smallest step across.”
He turns more fully towards me. “That said, I do have one more question for you, and then I think we can safely close the book on this little incident… Just before your body exploded blood and viscera all over an active orgy, they were hit by something else. Something a witness described as ‘Rotting leftovers’. I can’t pretend to know what that means, but do you have any idea what that could refer to?”
I can’t help it. I laugh. Oh my god, I vomited that same quesadilla all over them, didn’t I? “Holy shit I wish I could see the look on their faces-” Thankfully, I don’t get all the way through that sentence before noticing the increasingly severe look coming over the mayor’s face with every word. I stutter, trying to recover my apparently precocious momentum in getting the highest authority in this place to not hate me. “It was an accident, don’t get me wrong. The image is funny though. I won’t lie and say it’s not. But, funny as it was, it was also entirely involuntary on my part.” I’m still getting a less than ideal glare from him. So I can at least try to sound a little sincere about it. “But, funny or not, that isn’t a performance I plan on repeating… Ever.”
Finally, Sennefer’s expression softens a tinge.
But I seem to have lost control of my filter now that the memory is fully, irrevocably, unrepressed. “It’s just… They were doing some weird-ass shit in that wriggling flesh pile. Some of it involving literal shit. That was just-”
The old man clears his throat. “Oh, that’s… Understandable, I suppose.” He seems more flustered than anything. “Very well. Thank you, I believe that’s all the information I require. Have a wonderful day, Hero Jessie. And welcome to The Town of All Beginnings. But please do make it a point not to repeat your little performance back there. Deal?”
Wait, that’s it? Utterly bemused at getting off so easy, I reach out to shake his hand. “Deal!”
But Sennefer just looks at it. “I’m not sure what you’re… Oh right, the Greek ‘enlightenment’ culture with the hand grasping and all that.” He shakes my hand with a ginger, but firm grip.
I have no idea what that’s supposed to tell me, but James never shuts up about how important handshakes are… Remembering something of such importance that I can’t explore that thought, I look up to find that Sennefer seems to have teleported halfway across the crowded street. “Wait!”
He visibly flinches before turning halfway around. “Yes?”
“You’re the mayor here?”
“I… That is, I am.”
“So do you mind if I ask you a few questions about where to go for things?”
Sennefer turns on his heel with a sigh and heads back to the bench wearing a slightly impatient, nonetheless indulgent smile. “Oh, very well. Shoot.”
Well that was easier than I thought it’d be… “Sorry. But can you point me to where I can buy a katana?”
Sennefer’s look hardens again. Only less like a cop, and more like a grandparent. “Now why in the world would you want something like that?”
“To… Kill things?”
His smile fades back to something distinctly cop-esque. “I see… And what ‘things’, pray tell, would you like to kill?”
“I… I just meant… No, wait. You said you knew what an MMO was. You should know exactly what I mean.”
The grandfather cracks a smile from behind his cop mask. “Well, you’re certainly hard to tease. I do think I understand, but why don’t you tell me just so I know I’m not helping you plot the murder of me or my citizens?”
“I mean… I just figured I’d kill some monsters… Find loot… Earn enough XP to level up… Get more Skills… And…” Shit, I already ran out of stuff to list. I was trying to tease him back by provoking that impatience I thought I just saw. But what am I gonna do after that? “And Yeah… Um… Then, I’ll probably… Move to another area? With higher-level monsters or whatever? Rinse and repeat till I’m max level, I guess.”
Sennefer snorts. “Sorry… But you may have trouble executing that plan in the long run. Although I suppose in the short term, you’ll be looking for a dungeon, yes?”
I perk up at that. I didn’t know there were actual dungeons. But if there are… “Definitely. Eventually, though. I figure I’d better grind out a few levels first. Work up to it, you know? I don’t want to just dive into one of those places first thing.” I’ve seen how that goes… “But until then, I’d definitely be interested to know of any low-level monster spawn areas around here.”
Sennefer shakes his head. “You seem to be under a misapprehension of sorts. There aren’t monsters just roaming around everywhere. Or spawning out in a public space or anything like that. Those are only in dungeons.”
“Oh fuck… Like the only places where they spawn are just cramped caves and shit?”
“No, no. I should’ve seen this coming with the MMO comparison. As I understand, many of those did tend to work like that. Damn. I’ve been looking for a shorter way to explain this all for millennia. When MMORPGs were invented, I thought that was the answer. But time and time again, I keep having to repeat most of it anyway.” Sennefer sighs. “Dungeons… Are wherever they are. Their appearance, contents, and yes, monsters, are all randomized in a way that not even I, as a starter town mayor, am not privy to. I know you don’t have the context to know how significant that is. But if you did…”
He winks. “You’d be very unimpressed. They can pop up anywhere people aren’t. A certain area with no foot traffic will suddenly have an opaque purple barrier or sorts separating it from the rest of reality. Inside can be… Anything, really. It’s something to do with the collective unconscious of those in a wide-ish area around the dungeon itself at the moment it’s generated. And you’ll find them under no obligation to only be as small as the purple area itself.”
He shrugs. “There do seem to be some universal size limitations to keep a dungeon in an isolated hut from spanning thousands of miles or something. But otherwise? It can be just about anything in there. They all have one thing in common, though. They’re the only place where the system will generate a monster. This is still Heaven, after all. Can’t just have aggressive apex predators roaming around everywhere… Eight is enough, I think. There are the occasional colossi or other massive System-generated creature roaming around. But those are both easy to avoid, and nothing you will be even remotely capable of fighting for several decades at least. Anyway, once formed, a dungeon will stay exactly where it is. To be beaten over and over again, until the dungeon’s boss monster has been killed eight times, and the dungeon itself has mostly ‘Destroy’ votes. But-”
My eyes widen. “What?”
Sennefer winces at the interruption.
“Sorry… But, um, ‘Votes’? Also, are those the same eight-” I spot the look he’s giving me. “Sorry. Nevermind. What’s that about votes?”
Sennefer closes his eyes and exhales deeply to calm himself. “Please don’t interrupt me like that. I am very old and very stuck in my ways and I find it very frustrating. As, I suspect, do you. That being said… When you beat a dungeon, you can vote to destroy it or not.”
I raise my hand like the attentive student I was, what feels like mere hours ago. Okay, maybe ‘attentive’ is an exaggeration. Both then and now.
Smiling encouragingly anyway, Sennefer gestures at my raised hand.
“What do you get for destroying it?”
“Nothing, of course. Could-”
“What? Then why should I destroy them?”
He crosses his arms, abruptly looking annoyed again. “Look, either raise your hand or don’t. Quit making me guess what you want the rules of our conversation to be.” He sounds less like an old man now, and more like an annoyed… Well… Like how I feel in most social interactions.
“Oh. Um… Sorry. I never thought about it like that. It really does sound annoying to deal with.”
“Yeah, well, you better.” Sennefer’s shoulders slump a bit. “You know what? Never mind, I’m just being gratuitous if you already agreed.” He makes a show of clearing his throat. “Anyway, to answer your question, you might erase a dungeon if it’s in the way of something. Like a good picnic spot. Or a hiking trail. Or the construction of yet another resort. But yes, as a matter of fact, you normally shouldn’t go around destroying dungeons. That’s why there’s no system reward for doing it.”
I can’t help deflating a little at the news. That sounded kinda fun… Cleaning up all the dungeons in an area for extra loot. Or dungeon cores. Hell, I'd do it just for the achievements. But there’s really nothing?
Noticing my disappointment, Sennefer gives me an indignant look. “And thank God for that. I mean think about it. Any incentive to destroy them yourself would just lead to everyone destroying dungeons all the time. And then how would anyone other than crafters gain any of that XP you’re after? This way, the best dungeons tend to stick around forever. At the same time, all the tedious or otherwise annoying ones are likely to go away before too long.”
That makes sense. Especially when I’m a perfect example of the type of person he’s wary of incentivizing. “So it’s like a best-of thing going on constantly? Actually, that sounds kinda awesome-” I suppress another wince. “Sorry. I interrupted again, didn’t I?”
Sennefer looks confused for a moment before relaxing into his trademark kindly smile. “No you didn’t. There was no interruption. When you wait until the other person is done speaking, it is instead called a ‘response’.”
That… Actually makes sense. “I think I get it. Huh… Why didn’t anyone ever explain that to me before?”
“I find that correcting ignorance tends to be easier than trying to work around it. And besides, I’m guessing you’ve never spoken with someone as old as me. When you get into your second millennia, distinguishing ignorance from intent is much like comparing red to blue.”
I blink. “Holy fuck, you’re immortal?” Processing the obvious implication, I feel a smile stretch across my face. “Holy fuck… Am I immortal?”
Sennefer belts out what must be the first genuine belly-laugh I’ve heard from him. “That’s one way to look at it, I suppose. Some of us aren’t quite so happy about the fact. But it’s good to hear you’re not so jaded as that.”
“But… If you’re immortal… Why do you look so…”
He snorts at my stumbling all around the issue. “Old? Well, I suppose I could look just as you do. But then, would you, a complete stranger to this world, have let your guard down as quickly as you did?”
“I… Well no, probably not. But is it really worth it for you to be an old man forever, just to make a slightly smoother first impression?”
He chuckles like the grandpa he appears to be. “More than ‘slightly’ in my experience. It’s a useful side-benefit, to be sure. But no, I appear this way because I want to. This suits me. I like it. And besides, it’s not like I’m infirm with creaky joints and constant fatigue or anything like that. In terms of physical health, STATs are all that truly matter. Either of us could suddenly have each other’s appearance, and be just as capable as we were before. Our aesthetic differences are only that. Aesthetic.”
“But when I changed my appearance, I could do things my old body never could.”
“And did you try to do those things before changing your appearance?”
“Of course I… That is… No. I just… I guess I didn’t try. But you’re saying I could’ve? Right from the start?”
Sennefer nods. “From the moment you first entered Purgatory, I’d wager. And certainly once you confirmed your race selection. Your body isn’t human, Jessie. Nor is mine. We look human enough, to be sure. But make no mistake, your current body is more different from your original one, than your original one was from a tree. Limb length aside, any form you take will be just as acrobatic as you are now, able to jump just as high, and spray just as much vomit and explode onto just as many innocent people trying to enjoy each other’s company. Although I suppose the leftover chunks would vary in size and amount based on your customization.”
I suppress another wince. “Oh… Right. So, where can I find the… Um… Orgy People?”
“And why, pray tell, would they wish to see the cause of the trauma they experienced so recently as eight hours ago?”
I fail to suppress this one. “I… wanna apologize. I didn’t know what I was doing.” I have to fight back an involuntary gag as I remember what I saw back there. Gotta hurry and get it over with so I can avoid ever thinking about it again… “Whatever that was, it clearly wasn’t right of me to go and ruin their… ‘Gathering’.”
“Tell you what. I’ll direct you to the GON office. Then you can speak to a representative. I’m sure they’ll be willing to convey your apologies to all involved.”
“GON?”
“Global Orgy Network. It’s pretty much what it sounds like.” Sennefer raises his hands in negation, ignoring my snort at the acronym and forestalling any questions I might have. “And if you’d like to know anything about their business, I’m sure they’ll be happy to answer. I, however, have other things to be doing. And with that, I think I should be getting back to-”
His eyes wander upwards for a moment. “We’ve gotten wildly off-topic, haven’t we? One more thing then, and then I really do have to be off. Your original question was about finding a katana. Unfortunately, no such thing is sold here. Or anywhere within a hundred kilometers, I’d wager. At least not at a price you can afford, with the money you’ll have being new as you are. How about you start out with a nice dagger or broadsword?”
I firmly shake my head. “I kinda have my hopes pinned on the katana thing.”
“Ah… Have a special affinity for katanas, do you?”
I nod.
“Katanas are rated as a medium-complexity weapon. Most people would start out basic, and work up from there. By the time they know they’re ready for a katana, they’re typically off in the middle of some other business, far from places called anything like ‘The Town of All Beginnings’. And unfortunately, that means shops in Outset don’t tend to stock them. It would be different if mail orders were available, but you’d have to travel relatively far before your first opportunity for that service, as well.”
I try to grasp any thread I can. “There’s gotta be some way to… Oh, right, dungeons are apparently a thing. Is there a nearby dungeon that drops katanas?”
He shakes his head. “Not to my knowledge, no. But I can’t say as I’ve ever paid specific attention to that. So, maybe. Pay a visit to the quest hall. They should be able to help.”
I smile in relief at the first thin ray of hope after my dreams were so unceremoniously shattered with the news I can’t just pop into a store and buy what I need. “Alright, yeah. I’ll go do that then. Thanks!”
“You’re quite welcome.” At that, he gets up and briskly walks away, waving backwards as he does.
Oh fuck I forgot to ask him where to get a map-
At the thought, a transparent minimap overlays on top of my normal vision. Oh Wow. It’s a total mess. But Thomas… Didn’t… I’m not called ‘Anal Retentive HUD Customizer’ for nothing.
Focusing on living up to my passive-aggressive nickname, I minimize the map, moving it to my upper-right periphery. Then I get to work on the rest.