PLEASE ENTER NAME : LEVEL 8

DAY 91 : C-DAY, FOURTHWEEK, CALYPSO, YEAR 1

CLUBHOUSE 1 : MEETING ROOM 1 : NEWBIES

[ NEW S.T.A.T.S — STRENGTH: MAGICAL=28 - PHYSICAL=16 — TENACITY: DEFENSE=28 - SPEED=16 — APTITUDE: MANA=28 - STAMINA=16 — TILT: CONTROL=28 - LUCK=16 ]

[ NEW COMMON CORE PASSIVE: AUTO LOOT — EFFECT: ITEMS AND EQUIPMENT WHICH YOU OWN BUT HAVE NOT CLAIMED WITHIN A 1.2-METER RADIUS ARE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED TO YOUR INVENTORY — TILT SCALING: CONTROL ]

Just as I teleport into my assigned chair, someone else arrives in the meeting room via an alternate means of entry. Another new experience for me. This non-private room has its very own door.

Slamming it, the new arrival walks in and sits across from me in a discontented huff.

Tyrone looks down at him from the table’s head. “Kirito?”

Arms still folded, Kirito’s head cranes over. “Tyrone?”

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.”

Tyrone sighs. “Kirito…”

“I found a trap on a public street today. It pissed me off. End of story.”

“Bullshit.”

Suddenly adopting a defeated look, Kirito continues with all the reluctance he can muster. “A trap for people like me. There. Is that enough for you? Utter discrimination is what it is. Absolute hate crime. I can’t believe The Admins even tolerate it.” Seeming to hear himself, Kirito scoffs. “Oh who am I kidding? Of course I can. As though they’d ever lift a finger to help us…”

Zack gingerly opens the previously slammed door, pokes his head in, takes in the whole scene, abandons all predispositions towards conflict avoidance, and sits right next to Kirito with a bark of a laugh. “And which of your demographics are you bitching about Heaven’s treatment of now?”

Kirito’s glare cuts into Zack like the knife he clearly wishes he was using instead of his mouth. But with Tyrone here, his voice comes out far cheerier, which still only upgrades his apparent attitude to just above murderous. “It inflicts a debuff. The debuff doesn’t drain your HP. It just applies a status effect. One that doesn’t show up in System Messages. Once you get maximum stacks in the debuff, you die. No degradation. Not even a warning. You just die. I didn’t know I had it until my Max HP was suddenly cut in half. But I digress. Let me answer your question with another question, Zackary. WHICH GODDAMNED DEMOGRAPHIC DO YOU THINK I’M BITCHING ABOUT???”

“My name’s not ‘Zackary’.”

“YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT???”

Zack answers with a glare.

Kirito glares right back.

The Stubborn Boy Stalemate continues as the room fills.

Apparently finding an excuse to quit the staredown without technically losing, Zack addresses Tyrone’s unasked question. “Honestly though? I thought PEN here would be a liability. But he basically ended up carrying us through the whole raid in your place.”

Not missing a beat, Kirito switches tacts. “You were seriously carried by a Level Seven?”

Zack shrugs, refusing to look back at him. “Dunno what to tell you. He outnumbered us. As fast as we could pick up a block, walk over, and place it in the right slot for a puzzle, he could do the same thing a hundred times over. At that point, it really didn’t matter that each of those times was a bit slower than the rest of us. It just meant we repeatedly completed what we agreed was a single-person job, and regrouped from each trip in time to see dozens of him show up, each having just completed practically that same task.”

Alex nods stiffly. “With combat as well. When there’s that many hits coming in from that many sources, the fact that one or two of his bodies died for each hit the enemy got off, ended up not mattering in the least. He still dispatched all his opponents faster than I could manage even after all my vaunted training.”

David’s eyes widen. “Seriously? Even now?”

Alex hedges at that. “Well, I don’t know about ‘now’… I did just get the Anime Swordsman CLASS, after all. Respecs don’t work off the same rarity as anything else. But if they did, mine would probably be Legendary. Maybe even Mythic. But… Yeah, on second thought, I feel like Tyrone’s would have to be at least a rarity higher. So let’s call it Legendary. Even still, that’s a several-hypothetical-rarity upgrade from my last CLASS, which was probably closer to an Uncommon or Rare in comparison. And it’s perfect for me too. But now it’s my turn to digress. I think I have Please Enter Name himself to thank for that. Despite him being the lowest level I don’t think we could’ve completed it in twice the time without him.”

David doesn't seem convinced.

Alex throws him a knowing smirk. “I don’t think you understand. I know I didn’t until I saw him in action. It’s not just that PEN overcrowded the enemy with a ton of bodies. It’s that they were all coordinated. There’s a difference. And it’s one that becomes incredibly obvious when it’s happening right in front of you.”

David nods. “Which I have. Frankly, I was unimpressed.”

Alex seems to think for a moment. “Are you talking about that one guy we went up against before I enrolled in Swchool? The self-multiplying one?”

“Yeah… His name was My Toe Sis. That’s just who I was thinking of, in fact. Mr. Name here is different, then?”

Alex chuckles. “I’d say so. Everyone I’ve ever seen with a duplication power like his, including that idiot, tended to get stupider and more sluggish as their attention divided between all those bodies. But not PEN. I’ve seen one of him fight, and I’ve seen a hundred.”

Eyes widening, David splutters. “H-hundred..?”

“And every last one was as cognizant, coordinated, and capable as when there was only one of him. Moreso in fact, since he could endlessly support himself, with himself. Like an honest-to-God hivemind.”

Kirito starts at that, stares at me, and doesn’t waver in his gaze even as it remains totally flat.

Nodding, I wave at him.

He doesn’t wave back.

Eventually, Tyrone seems to shake himself from his own thoughts and turns to face me directly, as is his prerogative. “That’s all well and good. Very good, from the sounds of it. Fantastic, even. But… PEN, Your Subclass is ‘Dullahan’, correct?”

I nod. “Yes.”

Tyrone nods back. “I looked it up. Despite there being one or two dullahan featured across the medium, that apparently isn’t enough for there to be an Anime Dullahan CLASS. Although I guess that’s irrelevant when the Subclass already isn’t ‘Anime’.” He sighs. “Correct me if I’m wrong…. But your Trade is not ‘Anime’ either.”

I nod. “Correct.”

“That’s a problem.”

“Why?”

“You cannot join this guild without an Anime CLASS or CRAFT. I’m afraid I must be firm on that.”

I nod. “I fail to see the issue.”

“Don’t you want to join the guild?”

“…Guild?”

“This guild.”

I nod. “What is a guild?”

Tyrone literally facepalms. He then drags his hand slowly down across his features until his eyes are just barely unblocked from gazing into my helmet. “This, The Anime Club, is a Guild. My Guild.” He gestures to everyone else at the table. “Our Guild. I thought you wanted to join.”

“I did?”

Tyrone’s crossed arms go limp. “Don’t you? Wait, no, better question… Why did you come back here with Alex, Zack, and Joe?”

I nod. “They never expressed a desire for me not to.”

“Oh, is that all?”

I nod. “After the last Raid completion, this Body had no other priorities. And the Armor slot was unneeded for other ventures.”

“I seem to remember you being in the middle of your Attunement Quest. Is that done, then?”

If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

“That is currently stalled until I can satisfactorily answer The Gale Monk’s question as to why I am on his path.”

“Oh. Do you… ‘Want’ to join this Guild?”

“What guild.”

“Us… The Anime Club. You’re sitting in our Guild Hall right now. I mean it’s named ‘The Clubhouse’, but…

I nod. “Okay.”

Tyrone sighs. “I think I see the monk’s dilemma.”

“Indeed?”

But instead of offering a response, Tyrone makes the same contorted face as when I first saw him before moving past it. “Well, if you want in, you have to have an Anime CLASS or CRAFT. I have no problem with you staying a Dullahan. In fact, that would probably be for the best based on the other’s impression of your capabilities with that kit. But this is an important decision. Not to be made lightly, hastily, or-”

[ C.R.A.F.T. RESPEC USED: DEVELOPMENT / SMITH / MEDIUM ARMOR / ANIME ]

[ C.R.A.F.T. LOST: DEVELOPMENT / SMITH / HEAVY ARMOR / MEDIEVAL ]

[ UNCOMMON C.R.A.F.T. AUGMENT LOST: HEAVY ARMOR / MAGNETIZE — EFFECT: ENABLE, SWITCH, OR DISABLE MAGNETIC POLARITY AT WILL — RESTRICTION: ONLY AVAILABLE ON METAL PORTION OF ANY ARMOR PIECE APPLIED ]

[ C.R.A.F.T. GAINED: DEVELOPMENT / SMITH / MEDIUM ARMOR / ANIME ]

Finding myself with one more Skill Point than before, I know just what to purchase.

[ UNCOMMON C.R.A.F.T. AUGMENT GAINED: MEDIUM ARMOR / MAGNETIZE — EFFECT: ENABLE, SWITCH, OR DISABLE MAGNETIC POLARITY AT WILL — RESTRICTION: ONLY AVAILABLE ON METAL PORTION OF ANY ARMOR PIECE APPLIED ]

Tyrone is still paused mid-word, mouth open, finger upraised. “…Huh…”

[ GUILD INVITE: THE ANIME CLUB — ACCEPT? ]

I do.

[ WELCOME TO THE ANIME CLUB ]

Tyrone just stares nonplussed at me. “I… Well then… Welcome? I suppose one of those is in order…” Seeming to come to himself, he clears his throat and addresses me on behalf of his Guild. “As the notification said, welcome to The Anime Club, Pain-” Tyrone erupts in a violent cough before turning to the rest of the room and showing a truly horrifying face while shooting out his arms to present me to the rest of the guild. “-PEN!!!”

Kirito stomps his foot. Once he gets everyone’s attention, he looks around the room. “Really? I’m the only one who has a problem with this?” He turns to Tyrone. “Do you even remember why we wanted new members?”

Tyrone meets his eyes. “Speak plainly, Kirito. You know I have no patience for inciting drama like some sort of soap opera.”

Kirito scoffs. “Drama…”

The man sitting opposite Tyrone snorts through a bite of cereal. A little bit of whatever milk is, comes out of his nose.

But Kirito has eyes for no one but Tyrone and myself. “We’re making a run at The Hero King Tournament, yeah? For that, we need people. Eight, to be specific. Eight. Not nine.”

Tyrone nods. “We can win just as easily with eight as with nine.”

Kirito’s eyes narrow. “It’s not even remotely ‘just as easy’. Nine people makes getting there harder, not easier. At least if we want all those people to ascend. Not to mention the ascension itself, which is monumentally harder with more than eight. You were even the one who informed me of that little quirk with the first planet. So has that changed, or what?”

Tyrone shakes his head. “Nothing’s changed, Kirito. There are ways around it. And it doesn’t necessarily make anything harder. Just longer.”

“And, therefore, harder. We shouldn’t be doing that to ourselves. The Hero King Tournament is a hard enough road as it is.”

“We’ll figure it out as we go. What you’re talking about is a bottleneck. Not a wall.”

Kirito practically growls before turning to glare at me. “And you… I don’t even know where to start with you.”

I have an idea on where to start, and so voice the first question that his rant brought to mind. “What is a ‘planet’?”

Kirito just narrows his eyes. “I… Don’t know what to do with that either.”

Joe speaks up in a clear attempt to ameliorate the situation with a slight change of subject. “That reminds me, actually. Ever since I got to Heaven, I haven’t heard anyone mention space travel. Why isn’t that a thing?”

Simon SLAMS his fist so hard on the meeting room table that his cereal spills. But Simon either doesn’t care, or is too focused on making fun of Kirito’s identical outburst from earlier. Instead, he growls out a single, hate-filled word. “Xemu…”

I nod at Simon. “Gesundheit.”

Simon squints at me almost suspiciously. After an extended silence, he looks up at Tyrone and says, by the resounding gasps, the last three words anyone in the room expected. “I like him.” Then, he goes back to eating his still-unsoggy cereal.

While he does that, everyone else just watches him in stunned silence. They still aren’t recovered by the time Simon’s bowl is empty.

Simon emotionlessly turns back to Joe and drawls in whatever a ‘Russian accent’ signifies. “An answer then… Do you know what a ‘Dyson Sphere’ is?”

Joe stutters. “I, um, uh… Don’t think so?”

Simon nods. “Most people don’t. But-”

I raise my hand. “I do!”

Simon flinches at the interruption. “You do… So I take it someone explained Heaven’s structure to you?”

I nod as Simon gets up. “Yes. That is why I know that-”

Once he reaches me, Simon flicks my unmoving helm mid-slightly-echoey sentence. “Then shut up or you’ll make this more confusing.”

I want to explain something to someone for once. But I know from experience with Civetta and Oneshot talking over each other that Simon is almost definitely correct in his prediction. So I just nod.

Sitting back in his seat, Simon swivels towards Joe. “So you know how there is sun in sky all the time?”

Joe cocks his head. “No? I mean during the day, sure.”

Simon sighs. “What I was afraid of… Okay, first of all, sun is always there. It just looks like moon sometimes. You know how there is no sunset? No sunrise? Is because it’s always up there. For everyone. All across this whole inverted sphere.” Then Simon waits.

Seconds pass as Joe thinks it through for himself. Finally, he seems to have an epiphany. “All these squares make a circle…”

Simon points at him encouragingly. But after an extended lack of additional input, he relents and fills in the blanks. “More octagons than squares. And they make sphere, not circle. We are inside it always. And above each race’s octagon, there are four planets. Each the same distance from from sun, as well as that race’s version of Central. From here, to the first planet, to the second, the third, fourth, and then the sun, forms an ineffective grid wall separating five layers of otherwise uninterrupted space. Much as if the sections of a jawbreaker were separated by a net. Except instead of candy, you instead get over 99% of all occupiable space across all of Heaven. And that’s if you don’t include the transitionary squares, which he now occupies.”

Simon’s bowl refills somehow as he takes another bite of cereal. “We don’t have presence in space. Is not because we can’t. Is because of goddamned black dragon. No one knows his original name. No one can get close enough to target him, and The Admins aren’t talking. At some point, ‘Xemu’ caught on. For all I know, it’s his real name. If not, is definitely his title. Hard to say, since he’s been up there since long before the first recorded human showed up. And to this day, all he does is obliterate anyone and anything that goes into space. He will reach you in moments. Actually, ‘moments’ may be pushing it. You’ll usually have a moment. Singular.”

Simon is already finished with another bowl. “There is only one Xemu, after all. And he may have to cross entire inside of sphere to get to you. So he sometimes takes a second. But not more than that. And if he’s within a couple major octagons of you already, you’re already dead. Seriously. There have even been reports of people receiving death notification before the Achievement for leaving their race’s territory for the first time.”

Kirito seems unconvinced. “Hold on, I know he’s up there and all. But that sounds like bullshit. You can’t use the capabilities of The System to be faster than The System.”

Everyone looks between the two. Us newcomers, in confusion at the contradictory information from two people who’ve each been here longer than all of us combined. The rest, in barely-tolerated boredom. Of them, only David says anything. “Oh good, this again…”

Kirito glares at him with fists clenched.

Simon sighs. “Kirito, what is one plus four?”

Kirito Just stares at him for a moment before folding his arms. “You wish to make a fool of me..?” He scoffs. “Fine. I won’t give you the satisfaction of shying away from your obvious trap. No, I will jump straight in. Then, conquer it. Then we’ll see who looks foolish. Four plus one you say..? Five.”

Simon just nods after all that. “What’s five plus two”

Kirito smirks sneeringly. “Seven.”

Simon nods. “Seven minus three?”

“Four.”

“Four plus two?”

“Six.”

“Five plus one?”

Kirito rolls his eyes. “Six.”

“Three plus three?”

Kirito sighs. “Six.”

“Next, think of a vegetable.”

A moment of silence passes in which Kirito never breaks eye-contact with Simon.

“Thought of one? Or do you need more time?”

“Bite me. I have it.”

Simon nods. “You thought of a carrot.”

Kirito’s eyes go wide.

Simon smiles.

Kirito just keeps eyeing him. “I thought of a tomato too, but I settled on a carrot. How’d you do that?”

Simon shrugs. “You know, magicians… Secrets… I mustn’t say.”

Kirito’s glare turns more hostile. “What did you do?”

At the clear display of hostility, Simon claps and presents Kirito to his new guildmates as though he were a thing to be talked around and about, rather than with. “As you can see, this is Kirito. Every Day is Sixth Grade for him. Do not mind. He is very Grumpy Gus.”

Kirito squints at Simon before finally backing off. “Can’t believe we really just admitted another Guild member without an Anime CLASS…”

Tyrone lets out a long-suffering sigh and looks over at his most sullen subordinate. “That was never a rule. It may be either a CLASS or CRAFT. The fact that most choose the former over the latter, doesn’t disqualify it as a perfectly valid option.”

Zack looks around at everyone. “So what’s the spread on that, anyway? Gotta admit, I didn’t know about the option either.”

Alex nudges Zack from the seat opposite Kirito. “Having second thoughts?”

Zack snorts. “After seeing what the new kid can do? Hell no. His shit is overpowered enough as it is, anime or no. But I thought he was the exception, not the rule. Really, I’m more curious than anything. Who besides PEN has an Anime CRAFT?”

Simon raises his hand and waves it around the room. No one else joins him. He puts on a look of clearly feigned disappointment. Then he makes a show of lowering his hand in equally feigned shame.

Joe laughs at Simon’s show. “What is it, then?”

Tyrone answers. “He makes giant robots.”

Simon grunts in agreement before looking back at Joe, doing a much better, albeit still poor attempt at false modesty. “I like the models.”

Joe can’t help a look of disappointment. “Ah. I remember those model kits. They have Gunpla here, then? Is it at least fun?”

Simon smiles at him. “Very.”

“Can I have one?”

Simon’s smile turns instantly upside-down. “No.”

“Oh, ok… Well, you’re having fun. That’s all that really matters, right?”

Simon’s former smile turns rightside-up. “Correct.”