"Immortal. How short is your attention span? Are you listening to this spirit speak?"

I snapped to attention. Shit!

Rule number five of What To Do When Facing an Angry Spirit: don't disrespect them! Immediately, I flopped down onto the ground and groveled.

"This immortal apologizes! This immortal was, um, simply noticing how the ground beneath the Great Spirit is even more beautiful than the...um, other pieces of ground! Heh..."

There came a hot puff of air. I tensed up.

A puff of hot air could only mean one thing:

That I'd really fucked up, and this powerful spirit was about to smash me into a thousand immortal pieces!

I held my breath, furrowing my beautiful immortal brow and preparing to pull a wave of dormant qi out of the air and cover myself with it like a blanket shield. Just as I was about to breath out and pull it all in, however, the spirit spoke again:

"Immortal, are you dull? I have told you to stand up and stop smelling the dirt like a mountain dragon! Get up!"

Whoosh!

Another hot blast of air rushed past, rustling my black immortal hair. Feeling very confused, I stood up to see that the powerful spirit was sitting criss-cross in the air, staring down at me with a look of total disdain, like I was a snail slimily crawling across the ground.

"Are you not angry at this immortal?" I asked.

The spirit blinked at me, her long eyelashes fluttering with annoyance. Her lip curled so that her whole expression dripped with both exasperation and irritation, while her eyes scanned me up and down, like she couldn't believe how much of a slimy snail immortal I was.

"Are you kidding me?" she grumbled, studying her blood red nails again. "I am Xiangshi, the ancient spirit of the Caves of Gū Shān Mìdòng, sworn to defend this natural beauty from cultivators and all organisms alike. I have spent the last eight hundred years alone defending this cave from rabbits and spiders. Before that, I spent two thousand years tearing apart cultivators who came here by the limbs. Do you think I have enough energy to care about being angry and tearing nosy cultivators like you apart anymore? No! You're the first immortal I've seen in hundreds of years! It's you or rabbits! And even if you're as stupid as a rock, at least you can talk!" Emphasizing her point, the spirit Xiangshi huffed in annoyance, letting another hot blast of air ripple through the cave. So that's what that was. It wasn't a breath of boiling anger—it was was huff of exasperation!

Stolen novel; please report.

I stood there awkwardly, smoothing out my flowing immortal robes that had gotten messed up by the spirit's breath.

"So..." I coughed. "Great Spirit Xiangshi, are you okay with me cultivating here? Will I be...well, torn apart by the limbs if I remain in this cave?"

Xiangshi studied me silently for a moment. It made the back of my neck tickle, the way her eyes bored into me like drills. I swear, I got the feeling that she could see straight through me and right into my soul. Which she apparently could, because...hadn't she said something about my past life a minute ago? When I'd had a flashback of that cursed cup of instant noodles? Was she examining my entire life (cough, lives) right now?

Without saying anything, she waved her hand and produced a smoking pipe, which she put to her lips and took a breath of. From between her lips she blew out a long, puffy cloud of purple smoke that glittered and smelled like burning flowers. When she spoke, it was in a bored voice, but I could tell she was masking her curiosity.

"Normally...I would chase you out, and tear your arms off if you refused to leave. But this spirit is too bored to be angry about you encroaching on my territory at this moment. Also..." She sucked in another puff, and blew out a ring-shaped cloud of purple air, staring right through me again in that uncomfortable way. I fought the urge to cough. The smoke together with her overwhelming spiritual aura was like breathing in straight perfume! "...You are an interesting immortal. I have never met an immortal with a past life like yours—one in another existence, another world. And such a strange death, with an oddly-delicious smelling cup filled with some sort of noodles..."

"Aha! We don't have to talk about that, O Great Xiangshi..." I interjected, laughing awkwardly. Dang. This was embarrassing. So the only reason this powerful Xiangshi hadn't torn me apart yet—besides "boredom"—was because she thought it was interesting that I'd died by instant noodles? Not a great reputation point for me. But still, I wasn't dead yet, so that was a plus.

Xiangshi sighed out one more puff of glittering purple haze, then waved her hand and the pipe disappeared. "A strange way to die, but I am intrigued by it. I am also intrigued by your very existence in this world. Your soul should not be residing in the body that you now possess. In other words, you have stolen the body you now live inside of."

I viscerally felt my immortal stomach drop. Shit. Was she about to exact justice on me? But I didn't have a choice in ending up here! "No! That's not it! I swear, I didn't steal anyone's body! I just died, and then when I woke up, I was in this body! I didn't do anything like that!"

Xiangshi raised a beautiful eyebrow, curling her red lips again. "Mm...Well, if it was not you, then a very powerful being has placed you in the body you now reside in. Powerful enough to not leave a trace. In any case, it seems more likely you stole this body. But that is no matter to me. Dull immortal, I will allow you to cultivate here for one year. In exchange—agree to learn my personal forbidden technique."

"You—you want to teach me a forbidden technique?"