~~~

The road to Lo Gau Harbour was impressively long. The bulk of it cut through the Half Mark Mountains, the smaller cousin of the huge mountain range farther inland, the infamous Question Mark Mountains, where many historical figures had hidden in the past, and there were many corners so tight that the road signs before them would recommend 20km/hr, which was almost walking speed. Despite this, it was quite a scenic drive, with very few cars tailing behind them, probably because it was a weekday.

Wu Dog Yan maintained a decent speed, but it wasn’t enough for Luco, who continued to ask her to go faster or they’d be finding Dog Lee with his throat cut.

‘That’s disgusting…’ said Cha Cha.

‘Just trying to provoke some urgency,’ replied Luco.

‘No need, we’re already here,’ said Wu Dog Yan, pointing towards the small town and harbour up ahead.

‘Finally.’

Everyone found a window and peered out of it, except for Wu Dog Yan who just used the main windscreen. They looked ahead at the small harbour town famous for its harbour and its harbour and its harbour and for fat middle aged dogs drinking cans of beer and then throwing the empty cans into the harbour, which was very famous. Actually, from the top of the road coming over the mountains, with the morning sun bouncing off the roofs of the small buildings and reflecting huge lines of white back up into the sky, it looked quite spectacular. Almost as pretty as the Surrender Bridge up in Polo, or ‘Thirty Island Tek Tek’ just off the beaches of Shellya [check the maps].

‘I think we made pretty good time,’ said Wu Dog Yan, taking a tight corner with only one paw on the steering wheel.

‘Thanks to your great driving,’ added Cha Cha quickly.

Wu Dog Yan didn’t groan but Luco did. He leaned in close to Cha Cha’s ear and whispered in a loud hushed tone, ‘stop being so creepy.’

‘I’m not…’ Cha Cha replied, also in a loud hush.

Wu Dog Yan looked at her through the rear-view mirror but didn’t say anything.

Zade leaned into Cha Cha’s other ear and whispered, ‘maybe ask her about acting or something. That’s not creepy.’

Cha Cha said nuut instinctively but, as the car slalomed down the long mountain road towards the harbour, she secretly considered it. Blindly praising someone, even if it was Wu Dog Yan, was a bit creepy, even she could see that, so maybe casually asking her how she became so skilled and unmatched at acting would be a more productive strategy.

~~~

There was a surprisingly large number of dogs at Lo Gau Harbour that day, and it didn’t look like they were tourists either. Maybe they all had the day off work? Or perhaps they were all unemployed? Whoever they were, they didn’t look sinister, or sleazy, and served as a welcome break from the fat middle aged dogs and their beer cans.

After driving slowly down the main street and seeing cars parked everywhere, Wu Dog Yan decided that she didn’t wanna stop there and turned onto the one-way harbourside road. Luckily, the minibus terminus at the end had a gang of young, weird-looking, punk-haired dogs hanging out next to it, a group that other dogs clearly didn’t want to be within twenty metres of, so she pulled up near them and parked [without crashing into anything]. As soon as the car stopped, Luco jumped out and headed off towards the main harbour dock.

‘Wrong way, hamster,’ shouted Wu Dog Yan, getting out of the car and pointing towards a quieter part of the promenade. ‘Over there is where all the seafood is. This way is the boat aunties.’

Luco shrugged and ran back, saying, ‘not my fault, never been here before,’ as he passed them.

Wu Dog Yan, Zade and Cha Cha locked up the car and checked out the gang of young stoic-faced dogs. They were studying the car like a birthday cake, so Zade stared at them for half a second and cleared them off.

‘Do you think they’ll come back?’ asked Cha Cha, glancing back.

‘Probably,’ replied Wu Dog Yan, swinging her car keys, and almost dropping them on the third loop.

‘You’re not worried?’

‘Not at all.’

‘But I read that these gangs pretend to walk away then come back and steal the car and break it into parts and sell the parts to gangs to use as loose weapons to hit each other with.’

‘That was a short sentence,’ responded Wu Dog Yan, deadpan.

‘It’s true, I read it on catwatch.’

‘The conspiracy site?’

‘It’s not all conspiracies, they were right about the leopards building that spaceship.’

‘They also said I was an armadillo spy in a sexy dog costume.’

‘Errr…I didn’t see that story.’

Wu Dog Yan raised an eyebrow. ‘Clearly.’

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean…I’m not a die hard fanatic, catwatch is just…I just look at it sometimes, when I’m bored or-…’

‘What are they all looking at over there?’ asked Zade, squinting at a huge line of dogs leaning over the promenade railings, theoretically looking down at the water surface.

‘Who? Where?’ asked Cha Cha, desperate to hit a tangent, any tangent.

‘The dogs by the railings.’

‘It’s the boats selling seafood,’ replied Wu Dog Yan, taking her eyes off Cha Cha.

Zade looked confused. ‘Directly from the boats?’

‘Ka, of course. You don’t know about this?’

‘I’ve never been here before.’

‘Me neither,’ added Cha Cha, folding over her bottom lip.

‘You just shout down your order, they put it in a bag and throw it up.’

‘What if you can’t catch it?’

‘They throw it again.’

‘What if it lands in the sea?’

‘Then you’re inept.’

Zade looked at Cha Cha, who mouthed stupid back to him.

‘Look, we better move,’ said Wu Dog Yan, opening the car boot, ‘your hamster friend is getting too far ahead.’

‘You’re sure the car is safe?’ Zade asked, rubbing his paw.

‘Sure as eight[1]. The security system is very hi-tec.’

‘What’s that?’ asked Cha Cha, looking at the plastic bag that had just appeared in Wu Dog Yan’s paw.

‘Lunch.’

Cha Cha looked at Zade, mouthing lunch?.

‘I didn’t bring any,’ replied Zade, pulling out the lining of his jacket pockets.

‘Me neither.’

‘Don’t panic, I’ve got enough for all of us,’ said Wu Dog Yan, holding up the bag. ‘Well, enough for four dogs.’ She examined Zade from head to foot. ‘You and the hamster probably cancel each other out.’

Zade looked confused.

‘She means you and Luco are equal to two dogs.’

‘Ah.’

‘So…are we walking or…’ asked Wu Dog Yan, gesturing at the quieter path to the left.

Zade nodded and started off after Luco, who was almost a speck in the distance. Wu Dog Yan tied up the bag handles and followed.

Cha Cha stayed back a moment, looking at the car body for evidence of the hi-tec security features and finding nothing. It was probably invisible, that’s why it was so effective. Maybe electric shock triggers. Or mustard gas.

‘Are you coming?’ shouted Wu Dog Yan, forcing Cha Cha out of her examination. She sprinted over to her idol then slowed down and matched pace. It wasn’t running they were doing, it was more like power walking, though for Zade that was still quite fast. In fact, after about ten steps, he was already a good twenty metres ahead of them. Cha Cha saw her chance and tapped Wu Dog Yan on the elbow.

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‘Are you tapping me?’ asked Wu Dog Yan.

‘I wanted to ask you something…’

‘Nuut, I’m not a sexy armadillo spy.’

‘I know, I know, it’s a different question.’

Wu Dog Yan opened the plastic bag a little. ‘Woo si beng, custard bun, blue bean bun, noodles.’

‘Nuut, I mean a personal question. Though the food does look good…woo si beng is my favourite…’

‘Personal question…’

‘Ka.’

‘Interesting. I thought you knew everything already.’

‘I do, but this is different. You don’t really talk about this topic when you do interviews.’

‘I’m not talking about my private life,’ said Wu Dog Yan quickly, looking ahead to the back of Zade’s head.

‘Nuut, not that stuff. I know you don’t like all those Dog TV actors, they’re all so arrogant. I know you’re just waiting for the right animal to come along and then you’ll get married. Or not. Marriage isn’t mandatory, it’s up to you…actually, it’s not even that common anymore if you look at the data on catwa-…some websites.’

Wu Dog Yan frowned a little bit then shook her head. ‘What is it you want to ask?’

‘Right…my question. Well, I was wondering…everyone knows how good you are at acting, but…you never talk about how you learned to do that…act, I mean. What your method is, how you become the character…how you deal with all the heroic roles they give you…how you make them interesting when they’re so innately good all the time, that kind of thing?’

‘That’s…different.’

‘What is?’

‘No one’s ever asked me that before. Except one interviewer for a film magazine, but he just wanted to get my phone number.’

Cha Cha coughed. ‘I don’t want your phone number.’

‘Well, as for your question…or questions…where do I start? My acting method? As you probably know, I didn’t go to acting school so I didn’t actually…’ Wu Dog Yan paused, looking behind. Her face turned to horror. ‘Oh nuut…’

‘What is it?’

‘Fanatics.’

Cha Cha looked behind and saw about fifty young dogs, a mix of different breeds, running down the promenade to catch up with them. Somehow, they’d recognised Wu Dog Yan, even from this distance.

‘I don’t understand…’ muttered Wu Dog Yan, stroking the hat on her head, pulling it tighter. ‘I’m not wearing make-up, there’s no entourage with me…’

‘Maybe that group of young dogs told them.’

‘So fast? Nuut, there must be something more to this, something…not good.’ Wu Dog Yan looked forward, frowning. ‘Huh? What the queen of hell are they so animated about?’

Ahead of them, Zade and Luco were standing by a line of aunties in shorts and vests, all of them looking up at the sky above and trying to shout something.

Cha Cha and Wu Dog Yan could hear the noise now, the sound of either an approaching dragon or a helicopter. They looked up just in time to see the helicopter fly overhead, do a loop and then stop and hover above the boats.

‘I don’t fucking believe it,’ muttered Wu Dog Yan, raising the front lid of her hat.

‘Who is it?’ asked Cha Cha, squinting.

‘It’s like she’s got me on radar or something.’

‘Who?’

Wu Dog Yan looked at Cha Cha and sighed. ‘The only person in this land who would bother taking a helicopter to Lo Gau Harbour.’

Cha Cha still didn’t understand who she meant. As far as she knew, half the rich dogs and cats and other token animals in Dogholm had helicopters and at least half of that group were vain enough to fly to the local Bone Dia[2] just to buy a carton of milk, never mind the hundred-odd kilometres to Lo Gau Harbour.

Despite this, she didn’t ask Wu Dog Yan again as she didn’t want to piss her off. Instead, she looked up at the helicopter. It was hovering above the water next to the aunties’ rowing boats, and the door was sliding open.

The fans who had been running towards Wu Dog Yan overtook them and kept going until they were next to Zade and Luco, pushing to get a better view.

‘Wait, those aren’t your fans?’ asked Cha Cha.

‘She’s probably paid them to come here,’ muttered Wu Dog Yan. ‘Come on, let’s just get on one of those boats before she-…’

As Wu Dog Yan spoke, a tall, slim-looking dog with a purple ponytail and a blue jumpsuit appeared at the door of the helicopter. She waved at the fans screaming her name down below, put goggles over her eyes and then dived.

It wasn’t the straightest dive ever and when she hit the water she was starting to bend, which made a few of the fans stop screaming. A few seconds passed.

Cha Cha and Wu Dog Yan walked forward and, just as they arrived at the boats, saw the diver’s face break through the surface of the water, a bit of seaweed resting casually on her head.

Wu Dog Yan smirked.

‘Is that…’

‘I’m afraid so,’ answered Wu Dog Yan quickly.

‘What’s she doing here?’

‘Following me no doubt.’

Cha Cha looked at Wu Dog Yan, confused.

‘Hey guys,’ said Zade, coming over and whistling. ‘Did you see that? She jumped out of the helicopter.’

‘Ka, into water, sadly,’ replied Wu Dog Yan, folding her arms.

‘She must be some kind of daredevil,’ continued Zade, shaking his head. ‘Like the dog who always climbs those buildings in Dogyo.’

‘It’s Chi Hua Bi Bi, Zade,’ said Cha Cha, pointing left with her eyes at Wu Dog Yan. ‘Another actress from Dog TV. The one we talked about last night.’

‘She’s an actress?’

‘Ka.’

‘A famous one?’

Cha Cha punched him on the waist. ‘You’ve seen her before, Zade.’

‘I have?’

‘She was the assassin in the Prince Pico drama last month. And the evil concubine in that Tong Era drama, the one where Wu Dog Yan played the good concubine. And she was the evil CEO working for the cats in-…’

‘You mean they let an actress jump out of a helicopter, for fun?’

‘She’s not an actress, she’s an attention seeker,’ answered Wu Dog Yan gruffly, moving over to Luco, who had already forgotten about the helicopter scene and was arguing with an aunty to secure a boat.

‘Nuut, nuut, nuut, nuut, nuut…nuut.’

‘What’s the delay?’ asked Wu Dog Yan.

‘This aunty is stubborn…’ replied Luco, jabbing at the old woman’s gut. ‘She’s trying to charge us a crazy price, extort us.’

‘Just give her the money she wants.’

‘No way.’

‘Sorry, don’t you want to rescue your precious Satfu?’

‘I don’t like to be cheated.’

Wu Dog Yan took off her hat and fanned herself. ‘Okay. How much is she asking?’

‘$500.’

‘That’s not too high. Just give it to her.’

The aunty’s eyes ballooned when she heard this and quickly raised the price to $1000.

‘What?’

‘That’s ridiculous,’ said Luco, his jabbing finger getting dangerously close to the aunty’s stomach.

‘I thought it was $500,’ said Wu Dog Yan, trying not to look at Chi Hua Bi Bi climbing up the ladder onto the promenade. For some reason, she still had the seaweed on her head.

‘$500 to take you there, $500 deposit for the boat.’

‘Okay. So, you’ll give us the $500 back when we return here?’

‘Nuut.’

‘Err…do you understand the word deposit?’

‘Ka.’

‘It means we give you the money, but you give it back later.’

‘Nuut.’

Wu Dog Yan breathed out, frustrated. She realised Chi Hua Bi Bi had seen her and was walking over, but there was no way to get on the boat before she reached them.

‘Okay, fine, $1000. But we leave right now.’

‘What?’ said Luco, stunned.

‘Zade, Cha Cha, come on…’

‘I’m not paying one month’s salary to sail in that junk…’ moaned Luco, flicking at atoms in the air. ‘I wouldn’t even pay that much for a cruise ship.’

‘I’ll pay.’

The hamster’s expression changed a little, as in he pretended to be annoyed for a few more seconds, then shrugged and said, ‘okay, but this aunty is still a cheat and a terrible person.’

‘Dirty little lemming,’ said the aunty back, staring down at Luco’s scalp.

The words had an effect, Luco spinning round, eyes half rage, half fear. ‘What’d you call me?’

‘Bah.’

‘What?’

The aunty turned and walked down to the boat. Luco continued to glare at her, visibly tightening his claws.

‘Look, can we all just get on the boat and-…’ Wu Dog Yan started to climb down the steps towards the rowing boat, but she wasn’t fast enough.

‘Well, hey there, Dog Yan,’ said a very soft, serene voice. ‘What a random meeting of two famous dog stars in such a humble, low-key place.’

‘Chi Hua.’

‘I assume you drove here, like a normie. I took my helicopter. Ka, a little bumpy, but exhilarating. Don’t know if you noticed my dive just now…did you?’

‘The last part.’

‘Sorry?’

‘When you landed on your back.’

Chi Hua Bi Bi narrowed her eyes then quickly reached up and rubbed them, pretending to have something stuck there. ‘Ka, not my best work, it’s true.’

‘You’ve got seaweed on your head.’

‘Intentional.’ She reached up and stroked the seaweed, part of which was hanging down by her cheek. ‘I think it’s important to show our flaws to the fans.’

‘Do you?’

‘Of course, it shows our desire to climb higher and improve ourselves. No one ever stays at the top of the mountain forever, not without challenges. Look at Dog Lee. A week ago, top of the pile. Today, kidnapped, probably dead.’

Wu Dog Yan grunted, but didn’t add anything.

‘Are these your friends?’ asked Chi Hua Bi Bi, unzipping her jacket/wetsuit combo until it was level with her chest.

‘Kind of.’

‘They’re very diverse. A tiger, a hamster…’ She looked at the green work uniforms that all three of the heroes were still wearing; their factory overalls. ‘Are you actors or…’

‘Sorry, we’re in a rush,’ said Wu Dog Yan quickly, grabbing Zade by the arm.

‘We work in the knife factory,’ said Luco.

‘Number 7,’ added Cha Cha, pointing at the company logo on her chest. ‘The most productive one.’

‘Wait…you’re factory cogs?’

‘Cogs?’ echoed Luco, looking at Cha Cha for clarification.

‘Doesn’t matter,’ she replied, looking down at the ground.

‘What does it mean?’

‘Nothing.’

‘It means nothing?’

‘Forget it, Luco.’

Luco looked at Zade, who leaned down to his ear and whispered, ‘I think it’s a bad word for worker.’

‘Ahhh…’

Chi Hua Bi Bi slapped Wu Dog Yan on the shoulder. ‘You’ve been busy, haven’t you? Buying one of the knife factories without telling anyone. Using the cogs as your personal servants.’

‘I didn’t buy anything.’

‘But…’ Chi Hua Bi Bi rubbed her head, making part of the seaweed drop down over her face. ‘I don’t understand. You’re hanging around with workers, socially?’

‘We’re not hanging around, they’re working for me. And we’ve really got to go, so…enjoy your day, your helicopter, your fifty fans. Don’t forget to pay them for their hard work.’

Chi Hua Bi Bi looked confused for a moment longer then smiled, nodding towards the boat down below. ‘You know, if you’re really struggling for cash, I can take you to wherever it is you’re going in my helicopter.’

‘Really?’ said Luco, eyes widening.

‘Nuut, we’re fine,’ cut in Wu Dog Yan sharply, putting her hat back on and pivoting back to the boat.

‘Are you sure? It’s a very comfortable ride…’

‘We’re taking this boat. Traditional style travel.’

‘Okay, your choice.’

Wu Dog Yan grabbed Luco’s jacket and gave Zade and Cha Cha a look that said, in the boat, now, or I’ll drown you in acid. They nodded and followed her down the steps, along with the aunty, who used her mighty forearms to shove Chi Hua Bi Bi out of the way as she went past.

‘Don’t touch me, hag,’ shouted Chi Hua Bi Bi, brushing her wetsuit to get whatever insects the aunty had left behind away from her.

When Wu Dog Yan, the three factory cogs and the aunty were all onboard and the boats engine started up, Chi Hua Bi Bi shouted out once more: ‘You never told me where you were going, Dog Yan.’

Wu Dog Yan zipped up her jacket, pulled down the front of her hat and turned her back to her rival.

‘One of the islands?’ Chi Hua Bi Bi tried again.

Wu Dog Yan stared out to sea.

‘Which island?’

Luco opened his mouth to shout a response, but Zade quickly covered it with his paw. ‘She might tell the police,’ he whispered.

‘The sea police?’ Luco said back, his voice muffled by Zade’s fur.

Zade nodded.

‘Okay, miss secret head,’ Chi Hua Bi Bi continued yelling. ‘Don’t come running to me if you get stuck out there. Don’t be calling me, asking for my luxury, state of the art helicopter to come and pick you up when things-…’

The engine got louder and the boat started to move, drowning out the shouts of Chi Hua Bi Bi, who finally gave up and returned to her helicopter, waving away her fans with one swipe of the paw. They stopped shouting her name almost immediately and walked over to the public toilets. When they came out, they were all holding $500 bills.

‘It’s weird,’ said Luco, as they made it clear of the harbour and the helicopter noise.

‘What is?’ asked Zade.

‘Everything.’

The aunty came over to them holding a large cup. She grunted, ‘for eating,’ then put the cup down on the edge of the boat. Luco quickly grabbed it and looked inside.

It was half full of seeds.

‘Really weird,’ he said, just loud enough for Zade to hear and nod in response.

~~~

----------------------------------------

[1] A phrase meaning ‘very sure.’ It refers to a famous legal case in Dogholm where a corrupt Police Chief was arrested, tried and found innocent of murder 7 times before ending up in prison the eighth time for swearing at a librarian.

[2] The dog version of 7-11 or Circle K