~~~

As the whole building turned into one massive brawl, Zade, Luco and Cha Cha took the opportunity to get the hell out of there. They dodged punches and kicks and flying tables and made their way outside, where they were just in time to see Dog Hood vanishing around the corner.

‘He’s heading back to his school…’ said Luco.

‘How do you know?’

‘I just do.’

They all ran down the curved alley, spilling out onto the street, which

was packed with dogs running the other way, most of them shouting about a brawl in Sha Lau.

It was so crowded that it took fifteen minutes to get back to Dog Hood’s school and another two minutes to realise that there was no one inside. The three heroes walked across the main road and into the park, finding a nice hiding spot by the railings.

‘I don’t get it,’ said Luco. ‘Where did he go?’

‘Home?’

‘But he was walking back this way…’

‘Maybe his car is parked nearby.’

‘He doesn’t have a car, he rides a motorbike.’

‘That’s pretty cool.’

‘Cool? He’s a kidnapper, not a hero.’

Zade held out both arms and told them to shut up. ‘There’s someone in there, look.’

Luco and Cha Cha turned and saw what Zade was talking about. Inside Dog Hood’s school, in the front windows, there was a light flitting about. It seemed to be coming from a torch.

‘Is that the worst burglar ever?’ asked Luco.

‘The whole street can see it…’ said Zade.

‘What do we do?’ asked Cha Cha.

‘We go and investigate,’ said Luco, walking back towards the park gate. As he reached it, the light was extinguished suddenly, and a few seconds later, the front door opened. A hooded figure, with its face covered in shadow, stepped out, closed the door behind it and walked towards the road. Fortunately, Luco was too tiny to be noticed at such a distance, but just to be safe he hurried back to the hiding spot by the railings.

‘Who is it, Luco?’ whispered Cha Cha.

‘I didn’t see.’

‘Is it Dog Hood?’

‘Using a torch in his own school?’

‘Maybe he forgot to pay his electricity bill. Or maybe he paid it, but it was really expensive so now he’s trying to save money by using a…’

Cha Cha’s sentence was interrupted by something not seen in Bambamboo Park for at least three weeks: a huge, fiery explosion.

It wasn’t huge enough to reach the area of the park they were lurking in, but it was enough to lift the mysterious hooded figure off the ground and onto a nearby parked car.

Half the dogs nearby ran away screaming, while the other half whipped out their phones and started snapping pictures of the burnt wreck of Dog Hood’s school. None of them seemed to notice the figure laying on the roof of the car, which was lucky as it gave Zade enough time to jump over the railings, pick up the unconscious figure and take him back into the darkness of the park.

‘Careful…’ said Luco.

‘I am,’ replied Zade, laying the figure down on the grass and checking his pulse.

‘You’re gonna scratch him…’

‘Relax.’

‘You will, you don’t realise the strength of your own claws. They’re razor sharp.’

‘He’s right, Zade,’ added Cha Cha. ‘Sometimes when you pat me on the head, I feel like I’m being stabbed by little swords.’

‘You never told me that.’

‘It’s okay, my head is used to it now.’

Zade looked at his claws and ran his paw over one of them. It didn’t seem that sharp to him. But maybe his friends were right, others might not be as tough as he was. ‘Maybe one of you should check his pulse.’

‘Not a he,’ said the hooded figure, coughing a bit then lifting herself up to a sitting position.

‘I know that voice,’ said Cha Cha.

‘Me too,’ said Zade.

‘I don’t,’ said Luco, leaning over and pulling down the hood. ‘Oh, nuut wait, I do. It’s you...Student With Swimming Pool Calm.’

‘You’re here…’ said Cha Cha, gulping.

Wu Dog Yan looked at Cha Cha and smiled awkwardly. Looked at Luco and shook her head. Then turned to Zade and squinted. ‘You were the one who got me off the car?’

‘Ka, Maam.’

‘Please, don’t call me that.’

‘Sorry…err…’

‘Try Dog Yan. And next time try waking me up before carrying me anywhere. Your claws are ridiculously sharp.’

‘Sorry, maam…err…Dog Yan.’

‘Feel like I’ve sat on a cactus…’ She rubbed her waist then noticed Luco staring at her. ‘You’re the one who didn’t recognise my voice.’

‘Ka, you were speaking weird…and I did recognise it…I said your name, at the end.’

‘After not recognising my voice.’

‘Wah, I just said, it was weird. You were speaking funny.’

‘These two recognised it.’

‘Ka, cos she watches all your dramas,’ Luco said, pointing at Cha Cha’s forehead. ‘And Zade doesn’t know any other female dogs so that doesn’t count.’

‘Being unable to admit your mistakes is not a virtue, hamster.’

‘What? I admit my mistakes…if I ever make any.’

Wu Dog Yan looked at Zade and Cha Cha, who both shook their heads as discreetly as they could.

‘Hey, don’t shake your heads…I do admit my mistakes.’

‘Okay, Luco.’

‘You’re biased, that’s what it is. You just remember all the negative stuff I do, never any of the positive things.’

Wu Dog Yan moaned and rubbed her head, mumbling something about not having the time or energy for this.

‘Hey, I see what you’ve done. You deflected onto me so I wouldn’t ask you what you were doing over there.’

‘I never deflect.’

‘Don’t deny it, it’s annoying. What were you doing over there?’

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

‘Luco, leave her alone, she’s concussed.’ Cha Cha tried to hold Luco back with one paw, but the agile little hamster managed to sidestep it. ‘Luco, don’t…’

‘What? She’s talking, it’s okay.’

‘That doesn’t mean anything. It could be a delayed injury.’

‘She did just get thrown across a street by an explosion,’ said Zade, checking the back of Wu Dog Yan’s head for any injuries he may have missed.

‘And landed on a car.’

‘There was an explosion?’ asked Wu Dog Yan, turning to look at Dog Hood’s school and muttering a soft wah as she saw broken windows and small fires being filmed by the dogs. ‘I thought someone just threw me…’

‘Don’t be silly, no one’s that strong.’

Wu Dog Yan glanced at Zade, the giant arms buried within the sleeves of his hoodie.

‘Not even him,’ added Luco, quickly. ‘Now, spill, what were you doing in there? Are you working for Dog Hood?’

‘Working for him?’ Wu Dog Yan laughed. ‘What, as an employee? Me?’

‘That means ka?’

‘Of course, she’s not working for him,’ said Cha Cha, finally getting enough confidence to move over to Wu Dog Yan and stroke her on the back of the head…ostensibly her wound, but surrounding areas too.

‘She’s working against him then?’

Wu Dog Yan sighed, looking at the watch on her wrist. ‘It’s late. I can’t stay here.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it’s late.’

‘You’re avoiding our questions.’

‘I’ve answered everything you’ve asked me. Which is too much in itself.’

Luco paused, thinking of all the questions he’d asked and whether or not she was right. His gut told him she was lying, but he was so full of adrenaline that he couldn’t remember things well. ‘Okay, I don’t know if that’s true, so let’s try one, simple, really direct question. And then listen carefully for your answer. No more deflections, okay?’

‘Sorry, are you with the police?’ the DogTV star asked, rotating some life back into her shoulders.

‘Of course not.’

‘Then why do I need to answer your questions?’

Luco was stuck again.

‘Stop giving her such a hard time, Luco,’ intervened Cha Cha, wiping away a small blob of blood from her idol’s hair.

‘I’m not.’

‘Ask her something nicer, about acting. Like, how do you get into character for your drama roles? Do you use the Arklaa method[1]?’

‘You’re an actress?’ Wu Dog Yan asked, turning her head back to

look at Cha Cha.

‘Nuut, not really…’

‘Acting student?’

‘Nuut, not that either. But I want to, one day. Acting is my passion. It was my Mum’s passion, too.’

‘That’s nice.’

Cha Cha smiled like a dog who’d just joined the Sky Cave Cult[2]. No words, just pure, brainless smiling.

‘I thought writing and directing were your passions,’ whispered Zade, confused.

‘They are.’

‘And what about activism and learning snake?’

‘Ka, those too.’

‘So…everything is your passion, pretty much?’

‘Nuut, Zade,’ moaned Cha Cha, adding a tutting sound, ‘you listed four things. And writing and directing are a way to do acting, that’s why I like them too, but acting has always been my main dream.’

‘Ah, you’re an auteur…’ said Wu Dog Yan, smiling. ‘That’s good. We need more of those, especially female ones.’ She glanced at Zade. ‘Tiger ones too.’

‘I’m not good at any of that,’ said Zade, slouching his shoulders.

‘At least not that you know of…’ replied Wu Dog Yan, reaching up and aiming to pat his shoulders, failing, then settling for his waist.

‘Stop, guys, stop, stop, stop, stop.’ Luco waved his arms around and stamped on the ground, which didn’t make much noise at all. ‘How the hell did we start talking about Zade’s acting ability? This is crazy. Focus on the mission. Dog Lee is still in trouble and Dog Hood’s the dog behind it all, I know he is.’

‘You’re right about that much,’ said Wu Dog Yan.

‘Finally, some co-operation.’

‘Gods…try to watch your tone, hamster. Or I won’t tell you what I know.’

‘Finally, some co-operation,’ repeated Luco, changing to a more jovial voice.

‘You know something?’ asked Cha Cha, untangling some of her idol’s hair.

Wu Dog Yan pulled herself back onto her feet and scanned the nearby area for any curious faces. There were no police around yet, and the rest of the dogs on the street were still dazzled by the fire in Dog Hood’s school. Satisfied, she turned back to the three amateur detectives. ‘I was looking around his school just now…before the explosion…and I found something.’

Luco’s eyes went moon-sized. ‘Found what? Evidence? A note?’

‘Nothing that obvious. Nuut, there was a map laid out on the floor, of an island…’

‘A mop?’ asked Zade, puzzled.

‘Map.’

Zade repeated the word to himself then said the tiger word for map out loud and nodded.

‘Was this island connected to the No Name Islands?’ asked Luco, squeezing his thumb for some reason.

‘One of them, ka. I’m not sure what it means, but I know the island and I also know that no one goes there much. Could be nothing, but-…’

‘Dog Hood bought one of them, a year ago. It was in the news.’

‘Bought one?’ Wu Dog Yan asked, surprised.

‘Ka, a magazine in the police station had a story on it. Said it was weird that anyone would buy an island as there was nothing there and it was hard to get to.’

Wu Dog Yan rubbed her head, checking her paw for blood. There was none [cos Cha Cha had wiped most of it off]. ‘What were you doing in the police station?’

‘Nothing,’ said Zade, quickly.

‘Nothing?’

‘Zade got shot by a police officer last night,’ said Cha Cha, leaning in to Wu Dog Yan’s ear. ‘It was horrible. Attempted murder.’

‘You got shot?’

‘Shot at,’ Zade corrected, pulling his hood up. ‘It’s over now.’

‘Why did they shoot you?’

‘At me. I didn’t get hit.’

‘It’s because he’s a tiger,’ said Cha Cha ‘Police don’t like tigers here. They say they do, putting up all those diversity hiring posters, but they don’t really.’

Wu Dog Yan rubbed her head again and was about to speak, when a police siren sounded, quickly followed by several others.

‘We have to move,’ she said, looking left down the street.

‘Fast,’ added Zade, tightening his hood.

‘Next gate along, behind that truck.’

‘Agreed.’

‘Okay, fine,’ replied Luco, squeezing his other thumb now, ‘but we’re all sticking together.’

‘We are?’ asked Cha Cha, glancing at Wu Dog Yan to check on her reaction. It wasn’t a happy face, but it wasn’t a disgusted face either.

‘Of course. There’s still more we need to discuss about Dog Hood and…all that stuff. I suggest we head to Jitsu-baka[3]. There’s a darts bar I know that not many animals go to.’

‘A bar?’ asked Zade, nervous.

‘Don’t worry, they like tigers, there won’t be any trouble.’

‘Nuut kaata…’ said Wu Dog Yan, taking over from Zade in the anxiety race.

‘Nuut kaata about what?’

‘Jitsu-baka. It’s not exactly a low key place for someone like me.’

‘Don’t worry, the bar I’m talking about is on the other side of the river. No one trendy goes there.’

‘You underestimate the turrapawtza[4]…’

‘I’m serious, they won’t know you there. And even if one of them does, they won’t say anything. Hamster guarantee.’

‘Is that supposed to mean something?’

‘If you know hamster culture, ka. Guarantee means guarantee. Cannot not happen.’

Zade and Cha Cha both looked at each other, confused, but didn’t say anything.

‘Fine,’ said Wu Dog Yan, walking alongside the park railing, eyes on the next gate. ‘My car’s parked down the road, I’ll drive us there.’

‘In your car?’ asked Cha Cha, voice shaking a little.

‘You don’t like cars?’

‘Nuut, nuut, nuut, nuut, I love them.’ Cha Cha quickly jumped up to the railings and climbed over. ‘I call crossbow.’

‘What?’ said Luco.

‘I’m sitting in the front,’ said Cha Cha, clarifying.

The four animals reached the gate and pushed on it…but it didn’t open.

‘Locked…’

‘Up and over…discreetly,’ said Wu Dog Yan, one hand already on the railings.

Grunting in concordance, the three detectives followed the DogTV star over the top of the gate, landed on the pavement on the other side and walked as calmly as they could considering there were seven police cars pulling up outside Dog Hood’s burning school. One police dog got so excited that they rolled out of their car before it had even parked. Somehow avoiding serious injury, they came to a stop with their gun drawn, wobbled a bit then pointed the weapon at random dogs, yelling, ‘no moves, no moves.’

Wu Dog Yan put her hood back up, as did Zade, the two of them trying to maintain a casual air as they strolled to the car.

‘Don’t put it up, you look more suspicious, remember?’ said Luco, reaching up and pulling on Zade’s hoodie strings.

‘I don’t care,’ answered Zade, shrugging him off.

‘And I’m too famous,’ said Wu Dog Yan, opening the car door. ‘Can’t be seen out like this, it’ll be damaging.’

‘I don’t mind,’ said Cha Cha.

‘Sorry?’

‘I think it’s cool. You’re like a spy, or an action star, flying through the air to escape from explosions.’

Wu Dog Yan frowned, checking to see if the excited police dog with the gun was looking their way. ‘Let’s just get in the car, shall we?’

Everyone got in and Wu Dog Yan slowly pulled out into the street. It was one-way so she had to pass the police cars, but the officers were all too busy standing with their paws on their hips, watching the fire and looking generally like they hadn’t a clue what they were supposed to be doing. Except for the officer with the gun…he was pushing three dogs against a wall, shouting something about phones. Luckily, he was too pumped up to notice them driving by.

‘That was close,’ said Wu Dog Yan, when her car was out of sight.

‘Ka, close’ muttered Zade, pulling his hood down a little before spotting an elderly dog lady on the pavement, gawping, and quickly putting it back up again.

‘You drive well,’ said Cha Cha, patting the back of the driver’s seat. ‘Very calm and authoratitive.’

‘Err…thanks.’ Wu Dog Yan looked through the windscreen, at an overhead road sign. ‘Okay, left then straight. Not that far.’

‘You know how to get there?’

‘Roughly.’

‘Great,’ said Luco, squeezing his thumb yet again. ‘Next stop, Jitsu-baka. For our Def-Con Three Strategy Session. Mission Brief: Rescue Satfu, fuck up Dog Hood.’

Zade and Cha Cha stared at him, as did Wu Dog Yan through the rear-view mirror.

‘What?’

~~~

----------------------------------------

[1] A famous method of acting invented by Statan Arklaa in 1889. She proposed that an actor or actress should do everything their character does for at least three years e.g. if you’re playing a factory worker, you should work in a factory. The method has been criticised by some for being elitist, as it takes roles/opportunities away from working class dogs, and shows their lives from the perspective of the wealthy. It’s all quite complicated.

[2] A Cult formed by a science fiction writer from South Raaaaa, who claimed that there is a cave hidden in the sky, in which lives a Supreme Being capable of rapping in any animal language. This cult has been banned in most dog cities and followers have allegedly been persecuted by the National Protection Auxilliary Force [in short, the secret police].

[3] Trendy area in Dogholm where dogs that blog and eat tofu go to hang out

[4] Dogs with cameras who follow famous dogs and try to get pictures of them.