~~~

There was a reason why no one had to ask the question what is Sha Lau? and that was because it was the only teahouse in Dogholm that didn’t need a name. It was simply referred to as Sha Lau [‘the Tea House’]. Not many buildings had been around as long as Sha Lau, and no other building anywhere had quite so many legends formed around it.

It was the place where, in 1437, Prince Pico had almost been caught by the Sheriff of Bone Kok.

It was the building that, in 1649, had hosted the duel between Mon Gwor Cat and Dog Canta.

It was the start and end point of the Four and a Half Gang War two hundred years earlier and, in more recent times, the place where the No Money Riots had broken out.

And, on top of all that, it was the place where Dog Lee had drunk tea every day for the last eighteen years, accepting and winning challenges from all schools far and wide.

Now, as Luco had already mentioned, it was a little different, a little more modern after its recent renovation, but all three heroes could feel the history of the place as soon as they entered and that feeling continued even when they were sitting upstairs, tucked away in a corner with old pagan straw bundles pinned to the wall [each one symbolic of one particular ancient warrior] their eyes half focused on Dog Hood nearby and half focused on the other customers, some of whom were staring back at them, or more specifically, staring back at Zade.

‘I think this was not a good idea…’ said Zade, looking down at his hun pone sha[1].

‘They won’t do anything,’ said Luco, tapping a paw on his own cup.

Zade drank some of the tea, looking over at the next table where a leopard was looking right back at him. Zade glanced up at the ceiling for a few seconds then came back to the leopard, who hadn’t moved his eyes a millimetre.

‘He’s staring at me…’

‘Who is?’ asked Luco, pausing the tapping routine.

‘Him.’

‘Him who?’

‘The leopard…over there.’

‘Which leopard?’ Luco looked around at every table before finally coming back to the table right next to him. ‘Ah, that one.’

‘He’s not looking away.’

‘Ka, we’ll see about that.’

Luco blew on the surface of his tea and stared at the leopard. The leopard dipped a finger into his own cup and stared back. Grunting loudly, Luco leaned forward, rolled up his sleeves and stared harder.

‘Luco, what are you doing?’

‘Relax, he won’t do anything.’

‘You don’t understand…’

‘Ka, Luco, maybe you shouldn’t stare so-…’

‘Stop panicking, I know what I’m doing.’

Luco turned to stare at the leopard again and jumped a bit when he saw that the leopard had moved and was now standing in front of their table, with one paw stroking his throat.

‘You want something, hamster?’ he asked, flicking imaginary dust.

‘Sorry?’

‘You were staring daggers at me.’

‘Was I?’

‘For almost a minute.’

‘You were staring at us first,’ cut in Cha Cha, pointing at Zade a little too excitedly.

‘That is correct,’ replied the leopard, unmoved.

‘So…’

‘Your tiger reminded me of another tiger. A spirited type I came across a long time ago in Paw Lam. But then I couldn’t help notice that your tiger looked down a lot, at the floor…like a coward. What do you say to that, tiger?’

Zade took a deep breath and looked around the teahouse. Some of the others were studying them, including a very serene-looking Dog Hood.

‘Too timid to talk?’ asked the leopard, leaving his neck and placing both claws on the table.

Zade picked up his tea and took the chance to examine the leopard’s appearance. He wasn’t much smaller than a tiger, and his arms were strong and lithe…there was a good chance he might also know how to fight, which would give him a definite advantage as Zade hadn’t trained since he was a child. Added to that was the reputation of leopards; everyone knew they were cunning[2], though they weren’t usually this aggressive. Maybe it was all an act? Maybe the leopard was pretending to be tough? But for what reason?

‘I can’t fight,’ said Zade, finally, keeping eyes steady on his opponent.

If the leopard had brought his tea over with him, he would’ve spat it out. ‘You can’t fight? Little pup…if that’s your response, you’ve come to the wrong fucking place.’

‘Nuut, you misunderstand.’ Zade drank some tea then put the cup back down on the table. Blowing away some rogue steam, he grunted, got to his feet and put both his own claws out on the table. ‘I can’t fight in here. The owner threatened to ban me last month for throwing one of you over that railing there.’

The leopard glanced over at the railing.

‘They said if I caused trouble again, I’d be out for good. That’s why I’m showing incredible self-restraint right now.’ Zade breathed in and out dramatically, and switched to tiger language. ‘… … … … …’

The leopard retracted one of his claws from the table, then quickly put it back when he got used to the noise coming out of Zade’s throat.

‘I don’t believe you, coward.’

‘Then attack…talker.’

The leopard studied Zade carefully, running narrow eyes over his opponent’s thick legs, giant arms, slightly jagged teeth, scarred paws. He didn’t look scared, exactly, but had definitely lost some of the opening bravado. Now it was just pure calculation, almost visible in the leopard’s eyes as he fixed Zade in the eye and said, ‘outside, tiger.’

‘… … … …’ Zade replied, adding a growl.

‘Err…maybe we should all just take a minute to drink some tea and calm down,’ said Cha Cha, picking up her own cup.

‘This is nothing to do with you, dog.’

Cha Cha almost dropped her cup. She looked around the teahouse for anyone who might come to their rescue, but no one was moving. They were all sitting there, watching, like giant animal-shaped cushions with faces drawn on.

The leopard took both claws off the table and moved towards the stairs. He looked back to make sure Zade was following, which he was, reluctantly, but when he turned to face the stairs again, there was a huge dog blocking his way. Before he could raise paws in defence, the giant dog had grabbed him by the neck and tossed him with full force down to the floor below. In typical Sha Lau fashion, the leopard got kicked by four more dogs on the way down the stairs before crashing into a waiter at the bottom. The waiter picked himself up, looked at the broken cups and spilt tea on the floor then, shouting something in dog slang, kicked the leopard hard in the stomach.

‘That was lucky,’ said Cha Cha, her paws still shaking.

‘What are you talking about?’ said Luco. ‘Zade was gonna destroy him.’

‘This is all your fault, Luco. You could’ve got him killed.’

‘Ka, ka, do the blame game later.’ Luco used his head to point at the group of five dogs heading over to Dog Hood’s table. ‘That giant dog and his friends look like they’re about to do something.’

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‘Ambush Dog Hood,’ said Zade, following the dogs’ path while also keeping an eye on the stairs for a possible leopard resurgence.

‘Looks like it.’

‘Five against one?’ asked Cha Cha, confused.

‘Ka.’

‘Is that allowed?’

‘Nuut kaata.’

Luco, Zade and Cha Cha sat back down at their table and watched as the group of five dogs strolled towards Dog Hood, the giant dog in front showing off his huge muscular arms. Based on the big gang confidence and lack of slow down, it looked like they were going to go straight in and pounce on Dog Hood, however, just as they got to within a metre of his table, they abruptly turned left and stopped by a bench next to the first-floor railings.

‘What happened?’ asked Cha Cha, wiping her paws on her jacket.

‘They got scared maybe.’

‘Wrong,’ said Zade, pointing to the right.

A group of cats was moving from a table on the other side of the floor to Dog Hood’s domain. There were about nine of them in total, and the elderly one leading them had the unmistakeable face of the infamous Lo Cat Gah. Not the biggest cat in Kaatlandō, of course, but his skills more than compensated. In fact, urban legend had it that, along with Dog Lee, he was the one fighter who had never lost a challenge, though some fighters had claimed a draw against him. Which was in itself disputable as they did it online, usually high on weed, and had no video evidence or witnesses to back it up. But then…neither did the cat side.

‘Who’s the tall one with the witch face?’ asked Luco, gesturing at his own eyebrows.

‘Lin Gik…’ muttered Zade, blowing more steam away from his cup.

‘Wah, he looks manic…’

‘Shhh.’

Ironically, the shhh was the loudest and got the attention of the witch face himself, Lin Gik glancing over and…looking manic at the three of them. Luckily, it was a short-lived examination as his boss, Lo Cat Gah nudged him in the hip and Lin Gik, as the assistant who followed his master everywhere [and was sometimes allowed to accept challenges on Lo Cat Gah’s behalf] fell back in line.

‘Wah, so obedient…’

‘Cat tradition,’ said Zade, keeping his voice low. ‘On the surface, at least.’

‘Ka, that’s what Dog Lee always said. All face, no feel.’

‘He said that?’

‘Ka. Not those exact words, but…’ Luco paused, paws coming together either in celebration or vague dread that something chaotic was about to happen. ‘They’re at his table.’

Spreading out into a horse-shoe formation, the cat entourage stopped next to Dog Hood’s bench and their leader, Lo Cat Gah, led with a short bow. Then the whole lot of them stood there awkwardly for a whole minute before Dog Hood finally demurred and invited them to sit down.

Zade, Cha Cha and Luco watched in a state of fear stasis as the cats and Dog Hood talked. It was too quiet for anyone to hear what they were saying, even though the whole of the first floor had stopped talking among themselves to try and eavesdrop.

Meanwhile, the group of five brute dogs waited patiently by the railings, shooing the waiter away when he tried to make them order some tea.

‘What do you think they’re talking about?’ asked Cha Cha, disguising the question with a sip of tea.

‘One word: Dog Lee.’

Zade coughed, Cha Cha frowned.

‘My bet is they’re in it together. Hey, don’t give me that look. Who else would it be?’

‘Off the top of my head…other dog schools, 14.5k gang, the polar bears, that leopard that tried to fight Zade,’ said Cha Cha, counting each suspect on her fingers.

‘Nuut, other dog schools are irrelevant, 14.5k is only in Maw Gung East, there’s about five polar bears in the whole of Dogholm, and that leopard is unconscious. Cat Flex School, on the other hand, has been trying to steal students from Dog Lee for the last ten years, even going to band 5 schools to recruit lower-class teens. And, nuut, Dog Lee didn’t tell me about this, some of his other students did, so it’s true. Dog Hood is obviously evil, he tried to shoot you with an arrow last night, and everyone knows how much he despises Dog Lee and how much he wants to wipe out his school, which makes him suspect number one, and suspect number one is usually the culpid[3], which is why we’re tailing him now.’

Zade and Cha Cha nodded and drank more tea.

‘All we have to do is wait, keep our eyes on him, and see where he goes next.’

The three surveillance novices sat back and continued watching Dog Hood and Lo Cat Gah chat like two ordinary guys. Neither of the pair seemed hostile to the other, in fact, Dog Hood even cracked a smile at one point. Which was odd as he never smiled in his commercials or on the street. It was one of his selling points as a fight instructor: you can never please him, so keep working hard and if, one day, you do get a smile, you’ll know it’s deserved.

Another two minutes passed, and then Lo Cat Gah was back on his feet, half bowing to Dog Hood. He said something, which everyone in Sha Lau leaned forward to try and hear, but it was far too quiet to catch. Then the old master half bowed again and walked at a surprisingly swift pace towards the stairs. The rest of the cat entourage glared at other tables then quickly followed their leader outside.

Dog Hood looked at his watch, drank his tea, glanced at the gang of five dogs still leaning on the railings…drank some more of his tea, then picked up his bow and stood up.

‘Trying to sneak off?’ said the giant dog with huge muscles, pushing away from the railings and moving to block Dog Hood’s exit.

‘Got tired of waiting,’ replied Dog Hood, switching his bow from the right to the left paw.

‘You’ve got one chance,’ said the big dog, now flanked on both sides by the other four dogs. ‘Tell us what you’ve done with Dog Lee or…’

The huge dog didn’t get to form the next word, he was too busy taking the edge of Dog Hood’s bow in the face.

It was hard to know who was more shocked, him or the rest of the Sha Lau customers. Usually when there was a challenge, the fighters were expected to wind each other up first[4]. Not this time. Dog Hood stepped back and put his body into the playful Side Hijack pose.

The huge dog held an arm out to stop the other dogs moving forward to attack, which was quite funny as none of the four dogs had budged an inch. ‘That was your one chance... coward.’

‘Bet you my school and mother I’ll get another,’ said Dog Hood, spinning the bow.

The huge dog growled, took off his jacket dramatically, threw it on the floor and charged forward. For such a large dog, he was surprisingly fast, and strategic, striking at various parts of Dog Hood’s body, working him out, testing him, building up to one swift strike at Dog Hood’s knee before changing direction at the last millisecond and launching up towards his chin with a powerful uppercut.

Few fighters could’ve withstood such an aggressive barrage of punches, but Dog Hood managed to block everything with single swipes of his bow. The final uppercut also didn’t surprise him; in fact, he used the huge dog’s momentum against him, ducking down low to the side and forcing the tip of his bow up into the dog’s armpit.

The cracking noise of the dog’s arm breaking spread through the whole building, making half the patrons touch their own arms and wince instinctively.

‘Did that hurt?’ asked Dog Hood, as the big dog stumbled into a nearby table, clutching his sagging limb.

The other four dogs looked at each other for direction, before deciding telepathically on bulk attack. It was a poor decision. They had neither the size nor power nor speed of their leader, and each was struck hard once with the bow and left unconscious on the floor [some of them probably faking it].

‘That was fucking embarrassing,’ shouted one of the spectator dogs.

‘Is this a sham?’ shouted another.

Dog Hood returned to his normal standing position, resting the bottom tip of his bow against the floor. He scanned the floor for the next challenger. ‘Anyone else?’

The patrons at the other tables looked at each other, and then over at the table with the three polar bears in the corner. Two of them shrugged, and the other said, ‘no speak dog.’

Some of the dogs laughed, others growled. Dog Hood smirked, nodded at the polar bears, and walked to the stairs, stopped on the top step, turned back and went over to the three detectives’ table. He ignored Cha Cha and Luco and focused both eyes and the bow on Zade. ‘Are you following me, tiger?’

‘Ka,’ said Luco, sliding his face closer to Zade’s side.

‘Not you, rat.’

‘We know you kidnapped Dog Lee. Everyone knows.’

‘Do they?’

‘Ka, everyone in this tea house. That’s why they’re all looking at you funny.’

Dog Hood did a quick check on the tables around him and smirked. ‘That fool probably kidnapped himself. An attempt to seem exciting for once.’

‘What?’

‘Or the armadillos took him. Or the polar bears. Or the snakes. Or Batch Sao[5]. You know, there are just so many possibilities.’

Luco did a little growl, which most patrons in Sha Lau thought was a cough. ‘You’ll never get away with it.’

‘Won’t I?’

‘Wah, so you admit it.’

Dog Hood grinned and raised his bow in the air. He then flipped it on its side and pointed it at Zade’s head. Zade looked back, confused. ‘I’ve always wanted to beat a tiger…’

‘You’ll have to beat me first,’ shouted Luco, jumping up onto the table.

Dog Hood looked at Luco doing practice kicks and tilted his head. He didn’t laugh though. No one in Sha Lau did.

‘Too scared?’ said Luco, steadying himself into a very basic side-peasant pose; right arm low, left arm up.

Dog Hood looked at Zade again then, with one lightning fast sweep of his bow, struck the leg of the table. The sudden shaking took Luco off his feet and backwards onto Cha Cha’s head.

Still no one laughed.

‘Another time, tiger,’ said Dog Hood before turning and walking casually down the stairs.

When he was out of sight, the huge dog crawled back up onto his feet and stumbled after him, still clutching his broken arm. ‘Get back here, coward. I haven’t finished with you yet.’

As he reached the stairs, another face appeared, the leopard, with head bleeding and eyes glowing green. He looked sideways at Zade, growling, then shifted attention back to the nearer obstacle.

‘Out of my way, painted cat,’ shouted the huge dog, reaching out his left paw to grab the leopard by its fur, but this time the leopard was ready for him. He dodged the paw, grabbed the arm, kicked out at the huge dog’s calf, stepped onto his dropped thigh and swiped a wild claw at his throat.

The huge dog managed to pull back a bit, but not enough to avoid the strike completely. Or the second blow, no nails, that sent him crashing to the floor, blood streaming out from the side of his neck.

The leopard moved forward, stepping a foot down on the huge dog’s chest and getting ready to finish him off…and that’s when everything went revolutionary[6].

One patron shouted, ‘no killing in Sha Lau,’ others repeated it, and, when the leopard spat on the floor in response, half the animals on the first floor overturned their tables and charged.

‘Pokkah…’ muttered Cha Cha and Zade at the same time.

‘Dog Hood,’ yelled Luco, back on the table, pointing at the closing door of the exit downstairs. ‘Come on…’

~~~

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[1] Something similar to red bean tea

[2] Leopards were the first animals to have politicians

[3] Cha Cha is too busy to correct him, but Luco is trying to say ‘culprit.'

[4] One of the most bizarre insults ever was from Dog Hood, who called his opponent a bus driver before screaming ‘Venezuela’ over and over and over again.

[5] One of the richest dogs in Dogholm, we’ll get to him in another volume.

[6] Batshit crazy