Chapter 14: Villain’s Cafe
“Do you know how to use a flip phone?”(Diuscrucis)
“Of course I do. Why do you ask?”(Tomo)
Pulling out the white rectangle from my pocket, I toss it to Tomo. Catching it in her hand, she flips it open and starts clicking buttons on the bottom portion of the device. After a while she looks at me with a wry smile.
‘Accusing gaze’ “You don’t know how to use a flip phone but, you already have several calls going to Bitch and have received a hundred calls from and I quote “My lovely wife”. Who are they?”(Tomo)
{You don’t think…}(Lulu)
{No…. It couldn’t be.}(Diuscrucis)
“I just got this thing an hour ago so, stop looking at me like I betrayed you. Now can you teach me how this thing works or do I need to figure it out myself?”(Diuscrucis)
“I can teach you how to use the phone but, I want to leave this place. Sensei, let’s get something to eat.”(Tomo)
‘Stomach grumbles’ “Ya let’s. By the way, how can you read what’s on the screen? Does your world have a version of demonese?”(Diuscrucis)
Asking that, we started walking through the destroyed doorway and through the garden in front of the castle.
“Ya. It looks like my world’s old latin. Me and my brother were taking the classes about it before traveling here. Now that we are talking about this, Why was everyone able to understand each other? You were talking in old latin and everyone knew every word you were saying. When the females were talking in japanese, you acted like you could understand what they were saying.”(Tomo)
‘Slight smile’ “The females?”(Diuscrucis)
“I don’t like them very much.”(Tomo)
“I see. Anyways, I’m capable of understanding what all you heroes are saying because I’m a Demon. All Demons are born with the natural ability to understand what other are saying and communicate with them through a type of telepathy. We will talk in our language but, what we are trying to tell you will appear in your mind. Almost always in your native language. The same goes vice versa if you are talking to us.”(Diuscrucis)
“Almost always?”(Tomo)
“It will always be in the language you prefer to talk in. What language do you understand when I talk?”(Diuscrucis)
“English. What about you?”(Tomo)
“Demonese or old latin as you call it.”(Diuscrucis)
“Cool ability Sensei.”(Tomo)
After awhile we reached the front gate. Looking at the giant metal gate that extended several meters high with intricate designs. Reaching out to open the gate, I stop when Tomo calls out to me.
“You still haven’t answered my question Sensei.”(Tomo)
“Which one?”(Diuscrucis)
“Who are Bitch and “My lovely wife”? While we are on this. who is Mors?”(Tomo)
“Bitch is probably Karma. She is my boss. I might have an idea on who “My lovely wife” is but I need more proof before I know for sure. As for Mors……. I think that was what Death was called before he became a concept. I would have to ask him.”(Diuscrucis)
“Firstly what proof would you need and you know death?”(Tomo)
“For proof…...I will need to at least hear who is calling me. As for Death. Ya. I know him. He is a great guy. I’ll introduce you when I get the chance.”(Diuscrucis)
“I can replay a call if you want to hear it.”(Tomo)
“Please do so.”(Diuscrucis)
Tomo taps a few buttons on the white rectangle and then.
‘Heavy breathing’ “My dearest husband…. I am waiting for you to return to me…… I will do everything in my power to keep you with me…….. I even got rid of those pests that were always causing us problems……… Now we can be together forever…… Please come back…… I miss you……. Ahhhhhh!....... ‘Gasping’.... I…... Love….. You………Diuscrucis…….. Can’t…….You…...See…...that?.... ‘Moan’.....Please pick up the phone…”(My lovely wife?)
{It can’t be….}(Diuscrucis)
{This is bad.}(Lulu)
‘Slightly panicked voice’ “Please tell me how to make calls Tomo. Also tell me how to change the names on the flip phone.”(Diuscrucis)
“Just click on the name and press this button or put in their number by doing this. You can change info by doing this….”(Tomo)
Tomo then spent the next minute or so teaching me some basic things on the device. When she was done, I took the phone from her and made my first call.
‘Ring’ ‘Ring’ ‘Ring’ ‘Groggy yawn’ “Hello?”(Suzi)
“What the hell sis? You call me a hundred times and when I listen to one of them, It sounds like you were masterbating to the memory of me while trying to hold a conversation.”(Diuscrucis)
‘Short yelp’ “Diuscrucis! You finally called back! I knew you would get the phone I would send you! How are you? Areyouok? Doyouneedmetobringyouanything?Whyhaven’tyouansweredanyofmycalls?ItwasthewhoreKarmawasn’tit?Deathtoldmehowshegotyoucursedaftersheforcefullyrecruitedyou.Iwilldealwithherbutthat’snotthepoint.Whydidittakeyousolongtoanswermycalls?Don’tyouloveme?Iloveyou.Whycan’tyouunderstandthat?Areyoucominghomesoon?Pleasecomehome.Imissyousomuch.Iamsolonelywithoutyou. Iwillalwaysmakeyouhappy.Wecanbeonebighappyfamilyagain.JustcomebacksoImayshowyouwhatallmyloveisworth.Ican’tlivewithout……”(Suzi)
“By the gods Suzi! Breath!”(Diuscrucis)
‘Deep inhale’(Suzi)
{For fuck’s sake. If I didn’t interrupt her, I don’t think she would remember to breath. This is bad. She is already falling apart mentally. It’s only been a few weeks. If I was any later to call her then she might have started mass sacrifices in order to bring me back to life.}(Diuscrucis)
{She always seems to depend on you for mental stability after all. I think she was expecting you to come back after a few days.}(Lulu)
{Probably……. Do you know what she was saying Lulu? I couldn’t understand any of that.}(Diuscrucis)
{She said some stuff about you coming home and being a happy family. She loves you and is wondering why you haven't called her. She also wants to kill Karma. She said some other stuff to but I couldn’t catch it.}(Lulu)
{What you could understand is good enough. Thanks Lulu.}(Diuscrucis)
{You're welcome Dad.}(Lulu)
“Please come back home bro. I miss you.”(Suzi)
“I’ll head home when I am done here.”(Diuscrucis)
“What’s so important that you will leave your wife and not try to contact her for weeks!?”(Suzi)
“You are not my wife Suzi….”(Diuscrucis)
“I’m still the closest thing you have to family.”(Suzi)
“........I have some jobs I need to do so I will be away from home for a while. If you call me then I will answer now but, limit your calls to once every few days or in emergencies.”(Diuscrucis)
‘Giggle’ “Ok Diuscrucis. I promise.”(Suzi)
“Good. Now stop killing everyone you don’t like. If you continue to do that, how will you sacrifice them to save the important things?”(Diuscrucis)
‘Heavy breathing’ “I will keep that in mind.”(Suzi)
“Ok. I’ll hang up now.”(Diuscrucis)
‘Panicked voice’ “No! Please continue to talk to me!”(Suzi)
{.........She is……}(Lulu)
{Just ignore it. It will be ok.}(Diuscrucis)
“What do you want me talk about?”(Diuscrucis)
“Anything. Just talk.”(Suzi)
You want me to talk. Ok. I’ll talk.
“I have killed a few thousand people in the last few hours. I have been training a hero. I am about to bring down a fifth of a realm and I am going out for lunch. I grew several feet taller and I now have a dragon arm. I will see you later and I am running out of things to tell…..”(Diuscrucis)
“Aaaahhhhhhhh!”(Suzi)
“I’m glad that we are done here. Bye sis.”(Diuscrucis)
‘Moans’ “Bye bro.”(Suzi)
‘Sigh’ I hang up the phone and look at Tomo. She is staring at me with a look of confusion.
{Your sister is so weird.}(Lulu)
{I am not taking responsibility for anything she says or does.}(Diuscrucis)
“That was your sister?”(Tomo)
“Just forget you heard anything. It’s better for your sanity.”(Diuscrucis)
“Ok…....”(Tomo)
Looking at my phone, I start calling Death. After a few seconds I started to hear music.
‘Ring’ ‘Ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘I am a bitch!’ ‘Ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘I am a bitch!’ ‘Ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘I am a bitch!’ ‘Ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘I Am A Bitch!’ ‘Ring’ ‘Ring ring’ “I am a bitch!’ ‘Ring’ ‘Ring ring’ ‘I am a bitch!’............. Looking at the gate, I ask Tomo a question.
“What is that music?”(Diuscrucis)
“I think that’s a ringtone.”(Tomo)
“Ringtone?”(Diuscrucis)
“They are noises that tell you who is calling.”(Tomo)
Oh! Like how the communication crystals always changed colors depending on who is calling. Wait. Then that would mean…
‘Yells’ “Death you asshole! Get out here!”(Diuscrucis)
_____________________________________________________________________
* Several thousand years later -
“That was not what was playing Diuscrucis!”(Death)
“Ya it was!”(Diuscrucis)
“No it wasn't! It was playing “I’m a bitch, I’m a lover”. That song is completely different from what you heard!”(Death)
“It’s the same thing! You were still calling me a bitch at the time!”(Diuscrucis)
“You two stop arguing! It does not matter what the ringtone was!”(Samantha)
“Yes it Does!!”(Diuscrucis/Death)
“Why are you three yelling?(Crescendo)
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“I don’t know!”(yelling morons)
“...............”(Everyone)
“Anyway, let’s continue.”(Diuscrucis)
_____________________________________________________________________
* Several thousand years earlier
‘Yells’ “Death you asshole! Get out here!”(Diuscrucis)
“You don’t have to yell Diuscrucis.”(Death)
Saying that, Death stepped out from behind the wall. Opening the gate he walks over to me and we shake hands.
“Good to see you’re here Death. I am just going to assume you are here because you were expecting a bloodbath.”(Diuscrucis)
“Of course I was. Well that and a paycheck.”(Death)
“Fucking knew it. Well Death, this is the hero Tomo. Tomo, this is Death.”(Diuscrucis)
After I finished shaking Death’s hand, I introduce him to Tomo. When we turn to face her, she looks really pale.
“Are you ok Tomo?”(Diuscrucis)
“Ya I’m fine. Just a bit unnerved that a skeleton has green eyes that aren't connected to the sockets.”(Tomo)
“You’ll get used to it.”(Diuscrucis)
Glancing back at the castle, I turn to Death and smile.
“How much for the castle?”(Diuscrucis)
‘Smile’ “200 million.”(Death)
“I don’t believe that for a second. 500 thousand.”(Diuscrucis)
“100 million.”(Death)
“A million and all the artwork in the castle.”(Diuscrucis)
“Deal.”(Death)
After shaking hands with Death, I motion Tomo to follow me while I put my phone in my pocket.
“Let’s go. I want lunch. Oh! I almost forgot. Death, where is my cut of the earlier deal?”(Diuscrucis)
“Damn. And here I thought you forgot about it.”(Death)
Taking a bag out of his clock. Death threw it over his shoulder and started walking to the castle. Catching it before it hit my face, I look inside and see thousands of credits. Putting the newly acquired credits with my present collection, I pass the main gate.
“Looks like we're good. Let's go Tomo. I think I saw a cafe a few blocks back.”(Diuscrucis)
“Ok Sensei.”(Tomo)
After a few minutes of walking, Tomo speaks up.
“So, that black skeleton was death?”(Tomo)
“Yup.”(Diuscrucis)
“He is not as scary as I thought he was going to be. His eyes are unsettling though.”(Tomo)
“Hmmm. Looks like we’re here.”(Diuscrucis)
We stop walking when we reach the cafe. It is a two story tall black building with only two windows on each floor. The red door is guarded by a burly, seven foot tall, red skinned human and he is wearing nothing but some leather pants and shoes. He has black hair and brown eyes. The sign on the building says “Villain's Cafe” and it is made out of bones.
“Seems respectable.”(Diuscrucis)
‘Side glance’ “What part of this place seems respectable Sensei?”(Tomo)
“It has a sign up front.”(Diuscrucis)
“The sign is made of bones.”(Tomo)
“It is still a sign. Next is, that guy is guarding the entrance.”(Diuscrucis)
“He can be standing there for any number of reasons.”(Tomo)
“Ya huh. You also don’t see any damage on this building.”(Diuscrucis)
“It shouldn’t.”(Tomo)
‘Patting her head’ “I will take you to a sketchy cafe later. For now, let's go in.”(Diuscrucis)
Walking to the door, we are stopped by the guard.
“Stop! How evil are you?”(Guard)
How evil am I? Ha! I’m going to enjoy this.
“I eat children for breakfast.”(Diuscrucis)
“Ya. So?”(Guard)
‘Serious face’ “Without any milk.”(Diuscrucis)
“You can go on in.”(Guard)
Passing him I look back to see how Tomo will answer.
“Hey little missy. This is no place for children but, if you still want to do in I can make an exception if you do something for me.”(Guard)
“No. I’m still going in with him though.”(Tomo)
“Oh really? Then please tell me kid. How evil are you?”(Guard)
“I was almost raped earlier today.”(Tomo)
“Well, what stopped it? Your boyfriend over there? Sorry miss but that doesn't make you evil.”(Guard)
“I stopped the bastard by biting off his dick and spitting it in his face.”(Tomo)
‘Audible gulp’ “……...……”(Guard/Diuscrucis)
‘Shiver’ We can’t even respond to that. At least now I know what happened to the guard in the hallway. While we were trying to move past our fears, we stood out of the way for Tomo. As she passed me, I swear I could see her smirk before I could no longer see her face. Looking at the guard I ask him a question.
“What’s your name?”(Diuscrucis)
“Bouncer. Why do you ask?”(Bouncer)
“If you do try to sleep with her forcefully and Tomo does what she just said. I will give you a proper funeral. That way you can just get reincarnated without having to worry about your balls.”(Diuscrucis)
“Thank you for your consideration.”(Bouncer)
‘Smile’ “You’re welcome.”(Diuscrucis)
Walking into the building I look around for Tomo. After a few second, I see her in the back holding a seat for me. The room we are in looks rather standard. Wood floors and a few dozen decorated tables. There are several women in maid out fits serving the 32 people in the room. It is loud but that is just from everyone talking to each other merrily. Walking over to Tomo I sigh.
“You ok, Sensei?”(Tomo)
“I’m just a bit disappointed in this place.”(Diuscrucis)
“Why?”(Tomo)
“I was expecting something more violent and fun. Screams, yelling, stripper waitresses and waiters, bar fighting or something. This place is just calm and mellow.”(Diuscrucis)
“I think this place is nice. You just need to ignore the entrance.”(Tomo)
“Hmmm.”(Diuscrucis)
“Here’s the menu. I am having a salad and some tea.”(Tomo)
Taking the menu from her, I hand tomo some bounty posters.
“Look over these while I read the menu. You can choose who we go after first.”(Diuscrucis)
“Ok.”(Tomo)
After a few minutes, a maid walks over to us. She is tall, slim and and has a small bust. Her eyes are red and I can see fangs poking out of the corner of her lips.
‘Whisper’ “Vampire.”
“Hello. How may I serve you today my master and mistress?(Waitress) ‘Crash!’
“Sensei. Your nose is bleeding.”(Tomo)
‘Bang’ ‘Boom’ ‘Bang’ ‘Boom’ ‘Bang’ ‘Boom’ ‘Feminine voice’ “Ahhh! You Bitch!”(???)
Looking up I can’t help but scowl at whatever is going on up there. Whoever is fighting upstairs is a time mage.
“Are you ok master?”(Waitress)
‘Side glance’ “I’m fine. I would like a stake and some water. My friend here will have a salad and tea.”(Diuscrucis)
“Green tea please.”(Tomo)
“Right away.”(Waitress)
“Before you go. Catch.”(Diuscrucis)
Pulling a bag out of my pocket I put a thousand credits inside and toss it at her.
“Things might get a bit messy and you may need to replace a few things.”(Waitress)
Putting the bag in her pocket she does a curtsy before walking away.
‘Boom’ “Your nose bleed is getting worse.”(Tomo)
“It’s ok. It seems like they left.”(Diuscrucis)
“Who left?”(Tomo)
“Doesn’t matter right now. Have you decided on who to go after first.”(Diuscrucis)
“Well……… I’ve been looking through them and these 32 are the people in this room.”(Tomo)
Taking the small stack of papers from Tomo, I look through them and at the people in this room.
{Three vampires, five skeletons, seventeen demons, four humans, and three elves.}(Lulu)
{I am impressed that we found them so quickly. They even look like the people on the posters. Lulu. Use [Dragon’s Eyes] and tell me their average levels.}(Diuscrucis)
{Ok……….Done. Of the 32 targets, the highest is a level 105 skeleton and the lowest is a level 23 elf. The average is about level 50.}(Lulu)
{Good girl.}(Diuscrucis)
Getting up I clean my nose with a napkin and grab a glass.
{Lulu, fill this cup with holy water please.}(Diuscrucis)
{Ok Dad. Just remember that I can only do this once a week.}(Lulu)
{I will Lulu. Don’t worry.}(Diuscrucis)
Putting down the napkin I change my index finger into a claw and rest it on the now full glass.
‘Side glance’ “Let’s get started shall we. We still have time before Lunch after all. ‘Cling’ ‘Cling’ ‘Cling’ ‘Semi yell’ attention all villains. I have an announcement.”(Diuscrucis)
After tapping on the glass with my claw I spoke up in a loud voice. Everyone quieted down and looked at me. When I’m sure that I have everyone's attention, I speak.
“I am here to collect the bounties of everyone in this room. I ask that you surrender now so this will be painless. If you resist….. You will wish you didn’t resist.”(Diuscrucis)
“Ha ha ha!”(Everyone but Diuscrucis and Tomo)
Standing up from his chair, a human speaks up. He is tall, blond, and has a good build. His green skin and eyes tell me that he specializes in air magic.
‘Smug grin’ “You think you can beat all of us by yourself?”(Human)
“By myself? Probably. But she’ll be fighting with me.”(Diuscrucis)
Saying that, Tomo sighs and gets up. Taking a few steps away from me she pulls out her rapier and turns it on. The center blade appears with its normal green glow but, it now has streaks of red flickering through it every few seconds.
“Ready Tomo?(Diuscrucis)
“As much as I’ll ever be Sensei.”(Tomo)
Smiling I look back at the human and he has an amused smile on his face.
“Well in that case. Get him Lenard!”(Human)
After yelling that, An eight foot tall rusting metal skeleton stands up and charges at me. Taking a step to the side I toss the glass at his chest and he starts to melt away.
“This guy has holy water!..........I’m out….”(Rusty skeleton) ‘Splash’
‘Curious gaze’ “Two things. First off. Last time I checked. This guy was the strongest person in the room after me. And secondly. Is that that the best you got?”(Diuscrucis)
“Kill them!”(Human)
“There we go.”(Diuscrucis)
Saying that, everyone ran at each other. Charging at the earth mage, I managed to punch his skull in causing it to explode. Taking a step to the left, I avoided getting my head chopped off by a flaming sword. Taking a step back, I elbow the two humans behind me and crush their rib cages. As they fell, I caught their daggers while they choked on their own blood as it poured out of their mouths. With the daggers in hand, I threw them at the two vampires trying to circle me and their heads flew off. While being soaked in a light rain of blood, Lulu calls out to me.
{Dad! Tomo’s surrounded!}(Lulu)
Looking at Tomo, I see she is surrounded by the elves and several demons. Grabbing a bottle from the closest table, I I throw it at her while yelling.
“Tomo! Catch!”(Diuscrucis)
Seeing her catch it, I do a backflip over the human with the flaming sword. Grabbing his back I threw him at the last vampire. The vampire caught him but the force of the throw pushed him back. His hands went through the human’s chest and the sword flew from his hand and into a demon’s head. Using my magic to create a frozen war hammer, I swung it at the skeleton to my right. The force behind my blow shot him through the room and into two others. They all then scattered against the wall. At this point I can smell burning flesh as well as blood. Looking to the side, I see burning corpses by Tomo and a skeleton lunging at me with a steel spear. Swinging my hammer. Our weapons met and mine shattered his. Turning my hammer mid swing, I managed to blow his head off without damaging the rest of his body. Melting the hammer, I stretch my tail and start choking the vampire that was running at me from behind. Snapping his neck I looked at the demons who were behind me. Dropping the vampire's body I smile and start walking toward them. They all were shivering in fear and have clearly pissed themselves. Raising my hand to kill them, All eight of them bow before me and start begging.
“Please spare us! We will do whatever you say!”(Demons)
‘Sigh’ “Disappointing.”(Diuscrucis)
Looking at Tomo I see her stab an elf in the face and her fight ends.
“So how many did you get?”(Diuscrucis)
‘Heavy breathing’ “Eleven, you?”(Tomo)
“Thirteen minus these guys.”(Diuscrucis)
“What now?”(Tomo)
“Now we arrest everyone and collect all their pieces so we can send them to jail. ‘Sign’ I’ll call Death and see if he can help us out but first….”(Diuscrucis)
“But first, what?(Tomo)
Grabbing a turned over chair I place it right side up and sit down. Looking at the maid who took our order I smiled.
‘Apologetic smile’ “Are we still getting our lunch?”(Diuscrucis)