Lydia P.o.V
I see Mother dragging Yu away by his collar and close the door in a hurried manner.
"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! JUST AS I WANTED TO-" (Me)
Suddenly, I remember what I was about to tell Yu and feel my head heating up.
"Bullocks, what was I about to tell him?! Why did I suddenly go along the mood?! WE ALREADY SLEPT MULTIPLE TIMES IN ONE BED! NO NEED TO BE SO IRRITATED ABOUT IT!" (Me)
...
"WHY IS IT NORMAL FOR ME TO SLEEP IN ONE BED WITH HIM?!" (Me)
Cursing at myself, I notice how my throat is dry because of the nervosity from before.
I leave the room for a glass of water. The rushed footsteps of my mother are still hearable, until a loud clancking sound dimnishes them.
I go down the hallway, which is still lit by candles, on my way to the kitchen. Not a single sound is hearable. The night is completely quiet.
'Huh... kinda unusual that I don't hear anything. Normally, there would still be some butlers here and there...'
I continue to go down the quiet hallway.
'Wait... something is suspicious... what would Yu think in this situation?'
I imagine Yu in front of me.
"Wanna have a fist so deep up your ass that one could be called King Arthur for pulling it out?" (Yu)
'Wait, wrong Yu.'
I imagine the more serious Yu in front of me.
"It's quiet... way too quiet... yep, someone is attacking this mansion." (Yu)
"DARN IT!" (Me)
The first thing I think of is my sister. She has never been too good at fighting, so I immediately bolt to her room as fast as I can.
I fling the door open.
"SIS!" (Me)
"KYAHAHAHA! SEEMS LIKE WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE!" (Bandit #1)
"Hi, lil' sis." (Prima)
From within the chokehold of the bandit, Prima talks to me in a relaxed way.
"SIS?! WHAT HAPPENED?!" (Me)
"Well, I was sleeping, and then those guys came in and overwhelmed me. They injected some kinda drug in me, so I can't use magic right now and then you came." (Prima)
"Nice recap." (Me)
"KEKEKEKE, AND NOW IT'S YOUR TURN! I BET WE CAN SELL YOU OFF FOR MONEY AS WELL!" (Bandit #1)
"I WILL NEVER LET YOU!" (Me)
"KUKIKUKIKUKIKU! WE HAVE YOUR SWEET SISTER AS A HOSTAGE! ONE WRONG MOVE AND I WILL KILL HER!" (Bandit #1)
"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! TELL HER BIG BRO!" (Bandit #2)
"SPIT IT, BIG BRO!" (Bandit #3)
"SHUT UP YOU OTHER BALDIES! AND WHY IS YOUR LAUGH GETTING WEIRDER WITH EVERY SENTENCE?!" (Lydia)
"KRAWKRAWKRAWKRAW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!" (Bandit #1)
"BY GOD!" (Me)
Weird laughter of the others follows as they realise how they've cornered me.
'I really can't do anything. I think I'll be able to take all of them down, but not if they have her as a hostage. I'm not fast enough for that yet...'
"*Sigh* Gosh darn it, I guess I have to rely on him again..." (Lydia)
I look Prima directly in her eyes.
She meets my gaze.
I nod slightly and she instantly understands what I want from her.
'Wait, can she read my mind or something?!'
We breath in deeply.
"KYYYYYAAAAAHHHH!!!" (Both of us)
"SHUT THOSE BITCHES UP!" (Bandit #1)
One of them closes in with a syringe in his hand and rams it in my throat. I feel a disconnection to my own pool of mana, strength gradually leaving me.
'He's gonna get them. I'm sure of it.'
And soon, I collapse without strength. My consciousness still working.
----------------------------------------
Yu P.o.V
'Alright, we know the drill. I say something random now and it's gonna be hilarious. Can't we just skip it?'
If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.
(Author's note: No. Being funny is literally the only thing you're in this story for.)
'WHAT THE FUCK?! I'M THE MC OF THIS STORY, AND I'M ONLY HERE FOR COMEDIC RELIEVE?!'
(Author's note: Yeah, pretty much.)
'FUCK Y- Oh, we arrived.'
What y'all didn't know, is that, while I was arguing with that cunt in front of the computer screen-
(Author's note: I'm gonna fuck you up someday.)
-I've already been running to the two girls I sensed with the "Search Life" spell.
"KYAHAHAHA! IT'S REALLY WAY TOO EASY TO KIDNAP RICH GIRLS!" (Bandit #1)
"BIG BRO! CAN'T WE HAVE A BIT FUN WITH THE "PACKAGE"?" (Bandit #2)
"KEKEKEKEKE! OF COURSE YOU CAN! DO WHAT YOU WANT!" (Bnadit #1)
"YOU'RE THE BEST, BIG BRO!" (Bandit #3)
"Ohohoho, no you most fucking certainly won't." (Me)
I step into the room with slow steps. Every single one getting tenser as I approach.
I glance at Lydia and Prima. Both seem to be unconsciouss.
"WHAT?! ANOTHER ONE?! KURUKURUKURU!" (Bandit #1)
The bald bandit looks at me with crazy eyes, not a single shred of IQ is visible in them.
"BUT I HAVE TO SAY, WE DON'T NEED YOU! BOYS DON'T SELL VERY WELL!" (Bandit #1)
I continue to stroll in their direction.
"STOP RIGHT THERE YA CHEEKY WANKER! OR ELSE I WILL KILL THOSE TWO!" (Bandit #1)
I halt.
"KYAKUKYAKUKYAKUKYAKU! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU BETTER BE AN OBEDIENT LITTLE CHILD, OR ELSE THESE TWO GET HURT!" (Bandit #1)
I raise 3 fingers.
"KYAKURERUKYAKURERUKYAKURERUKYAKURERU! WHAT IS IT?! TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO COUNT NOW?!" (Bandit #1)
"This is how many mistakes you made." (Me)
"MY ONLY MISTAKE IS, THAT I DIDN'T KILL YA YET! GET HIM BOYS!" (Bandit #1)
"ALRIGHT, BIG BRO!" (The rest of the bandits)
The group simultaneously run in my direction, while trying to look as intimidating as possible.
"Mistake number 1: You have a weird ass laugh. Creeping me the fuck out." (Me)
I slide my hand once across the air vertically, and the upper body of every single bandit, except of the one holding Prima and Lydia, gets severed.
"WHA- ARE YA CRAZY?! THAT'S IT! THESE GIRLS ARE DONE FOR!" (Bandit #1)
His hand, armed with a knife, stabs at Lydia's heart fastly.
And gets severed as well.
"Mistake number 2: You made fun of me." (Me)
"AAHHHHHHHHHH! MY HAND!!!" (Bandit #1)
3 claps resound through the room, and in the next second Prima and Lydia are on my side.
"AAAHHHH MA FOCKIN HAND! YA FOCKIN BRAT! I'LL KILL YA!" (Bandit #1)
"Mistake number FUCKING 3!" (Me)
I teleport once more. This time behind him.
"You attacked my fucking future wife." (Me)
With one fast movement, I snap his neck.
With a *Thump*, his body hits the floor, never to walk this world again.
"Screeny, time?" (Me)
----------------------------------------
It took you about 4 seconds to kill 8 armed men, if you ignore your shittalking.
----------------------------------------
"I'm awesome." (Me)
I observe my surroundings. Everywhere is blood, intestines and bodies. Quite a sight to behold.
From behind me, I hear loud footsteps. I turn around and see the sweating Nia/Mother at the doorway.
"Oh *huff* my. What *huff* happened here?" (Mother)
----------------------------------------
IT WASN'T ME, MOM!
----------------------------------------
Her already see-through, black negligee now sticks to her skin, because of the dripping sweat.
'She ain't too good with sports, eh?'
"No need to worry, Mother. I already took care of everything." (Me)
"I can *huff* see that." (Mother)
'Nope, she isn't out of breath. She's aroused.'
Her already red face becomes even more flushed.
"Oh my *huff*, all these bodies. Someone's gotta... take care of them." (Mother)
'ANOTHER PERVERT APPEARED!'
''What about the butlers?'' (Me)
"That won't do. I can't bother them with that..." (Mother)
'Well, necrophilia is kinda ho-'
----------------------------------------
Damn, necrophilia. Thanks, but I like the body alive.
----------------------------------------
'Yeah... me... too...'
----------------------------------------
You were about to say that necrophilia is kinda hot, weren't you?
----------------------------------------
I approach Lydia's body first and put my thumb and pinky on her.
----------------------------------------
Don't just try to shake it off. You're not Taylor Swift
----------------------------------------
(Auhtor's note: I bet Taylor Swift would be a swift tailor... where's the rope when I need it?)
Just as I put my mana with the "Life" attribute inside her, I sense how something alien is inside of her body, so I expell it.
'Poison, eh?'
She slowly opens her eyes. Her gaze frightened to the brink.
"Took you long enough." (Lydia)
"It took me seconds to get here, you ungrateful bitch. And why are you always getting into trouble?! I didn't want to spend my night, saving your sorry excuse for tits!" (Me)
She puffs her cheeks up, trying to be cutely sulking.
"Stop that, you're not cute. You only have a nice ass, so show me that or piss off." (Me)
"YOU ARSE!" (Lydia)
I heal Prima the same way and wait until both of them recover from the shock...
Which takes literally seconds, since Prima didn't give a fuck about it for some reason, and Lydia has me to cling to.
"So? Do y'all know who they were?" (Me)
"Yep. Those were some thugs from our rival family, who will now be taken care of." (Prima)
"What a fucking boring reason, damn. How do you know that anyways?" (Me)
"My familiar." (Prima)
"Huh... would you say, that a little bird told you that?" (Me)
----------------------------------------
HA! Nice pun.
----------------------------------------
"HA! Nice pun-" (Prima)
'She could really replace you...'
----------------------------------------
YOU KNOW HER ONLY A DAY!
----------------------------------------
'WHICH JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH BETTER SHE IS THAN YOU!'
----------------------------------------
FUCK OFF!
----------------------------------------
"-, but yeah. Tenke is a God of knowledge after all. He ought to know things like that." (Prima)
"Minor God." (Me)
"I will shit on you if you don't stop saying that." (Bird)
"Look who we have here. The minor God." (Me)
"That's it." (Bird)
The night passes with me dodging the bird's shit and him dodging my shit-
'No, wait. What?'
(Author's note: You heard the narrator.)
'I'm not gonna throw my poop.'
(Author's note: You're doing whatever I damn please.)
'VIVA LA REVOLUCIÓN!'
-and the next day, we already prepare for departure.
(Auhtor's note: You can't just progress in the story without my permission.)
'Watch me.'
"WE ONLY CAME HERE FOR ONE DAY?!" (Lydia)
"Yep." (Me)
The carriage stands in front of the marble fountain, ready to leave. In the background, the rising sun is painting streaks of light on the sky.
"It really is a shame that you need to leave so early, but nothing you can do about it." (Prima)
"Don't worry, I'll be coming to get you too as soon as I get my own house and not that shitty dorm." (Me)
"Is that future house full of girls like her?" (Prima)
She points to Lydia.
"What do you mean? Girls like me?" (Lydia)
"She means girls she can push over, and yes. There's even a masochistic elf you can play with." (Me)
"OH SHIT! REALLY?!" (Prima)
"FUCK YEAH BITCH!" (Me)
"WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO HYPED UP ABOUT THAT?!" (Lydia)
"GET YOUR ASS IN THE CARRIAGE LYDIA!" (Me)
I grab her by the collar and pull her inside. The neighing of the horses resounds, just like when we departed, and we drive off.
'But that was really an interesting poison. To have such an effect... maybe I should learn how to use poison?'
"You know Yu..." (Lydia)
"What? Are you going to finish your confession?" (Me)
She looks at me with a smug smile.
"Why should I? Aren't I already your "fucking future wife"?" (Lydia)
'Fuck, of course she heard that.'
"You were so heroic when you said that! Why can't you be honest and just say how much I'm worth to y-!" (Lydia)
I grab her by her head midway through the sentence.
"So this is how you're gonna play, huh?" (Me)
"Y-Y- You wouldn't do anything to your future wife, right?!" (Lydia)
"OF COURSE I WON'T! BUT AS MY FUTURE WIFE, YOU HAVE TO FULFILL MY DESIRES, DON'T YOU?! ALEXANDRA!" (Me)
"Yo." (Alexandra)
"MASTER?! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" (Lydia)
"I kinda took a liking to teasing you. Additionally, I get 2 days off." (Alexandra)
My grip tightens and her gaze of terror intensifies.
"I- I didn't mean it that way. I d-d-didn't want to m-m-m-make fun of you. I SWEAR!" (Lydia)
"TOO FUCKING LATE!" (Me)
That morning, Lydia lost something very precious. Not her virginity yet, but every other last fortitude of her innocence.
"NOOOOO!! PLEASE NOT THERE!" (Lydia)