Its when a lot people can get drunk, do the math.

What I'm going to do/have done! (Section)

Yeah, if you read this before it got deleted...I tried to change the scheduling but it didn't work lol. Also some parts I added in weren't included.

But now they are! Srry for the confusion. (Also still working on the outline.)

Things I wrote just for you (And the others here as well!...Section.)

Within the deepest lair of the darkest cave of Cavespot3, there was a giant mansion with all the expected traps of an old-fashioned vamp. And of course, there was a damsel in distress. And yes, she was beautiful. And would easily fit a traditional housewife role. And all the other things that get heroes bumbling over each other to be 'heroic.'

And so, as is expected, a hero came to do the whole saving gig. With their sword, the hero cut through the waves of telekinetically tossed kitchenware. Blocked the blows of the sentient suits of armor. And stalled long enough for tea time. The suits of armor were good at small talk for creatures unable to speak, but the poor things were just as dense as their iron. As the hero managed to escape after telling them he just needed a potty break.

A respectable first outing for a hero who'd been isekai'd only a few days ago. And the villains were hitting the right in between of 'extreme terror.' and 'triumphant victory.' which assured them a good review from their bosses. Yes, everything was going quite well. Until it didn't.

Let's set the scene first so you can properly understand how badly everything imploded.

The hero kicked open the door to the boss area. Sword still raised as he stepped onto the red carpet. As the hero inched forward he eyed his vampiric host who lay on its lavish throne. Toying with its bloody wine with a smugness that boiled the hero's blood.

Hero: "Where is Madam Maya you wingless bat?"

Vampire: "Aww, how cute. The hairless monkey thinks he can give orders."

Hero: "Order you? No. But I can kill you, and you are not brave enough to accept death out of spite."

The Vampire laughed, its fangs shining under the chandelier's light.

Vampire: "HAhahaha...oh this irony will go splendidly with your blood."

Hero: "Enough with your games! I-"

Maya: "Hero!"

The hero's heart skipped a beat the moment he'd seen Maya. He knew she was beautiful. But for her to be so flawless had left him tongue-tied. The lightest blonde he'd ever seen flowed all the way down to her hips. And the fiery red of her eyes reminded him of the sun. Loving and warm to all. However, looking down made the hero finally understand the vampire's many layers of irony. And it filled him with terror.

Maya was floating right above the vampire's fireplace. The vampire looked behind itself, licking its lips as it eyed Maya.

Hero: "Don't defile her with your vile eyes you-"

Vampire: "Or what? You'll stab me? Let poor Maya burn alive to get the last laugh?"

The hero lowered his blade.

Hero: "What do you want?"

Vampire: "Isn't it obvious? I want your life. And in return, I'll spare 'Madam' Maya...for now."

Hero: "...So more heroes can come and fall to your traps?"

The Vampire smiled.

Vampire: "Men make great dishes, women make better bait."

The Hero gritted his teeth. Mathematically speaking, killing the Vampire and allowing Maya to die would save more people than if he'd allow another hero to fall into this monster's clutches.

Yet what that horrid Vampire had said was true, he did not have the bravery to watch Maya burn.

And so, he dropped his blade.

Maya: "No! Hero, you can't! You need to-"

Vampire: "Silence wench! I feast in silence, or with your screams."

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With that, there was nothing poor Maya could do but keep her lips tightly shut.

And so The Vampire strode to the hero, preparing-

*Crik!

The hero tore his white shirt off, revealing a toned and somewhat sweaty body. Maya tried not to stare indecently.

The Vampire raised a brow

Vampire: "I do not do courtship with my meals."

Hero: "Yes...but I know of the vampire's law. If a being submits to your will and is bitten by you, he will become nothing more than a slave. Incapable of resisting your commands...and an endless supply of blood as well. For Maya's life-"

The Hero turned for easier access to his neck.

Hero: "Take my freedom."

Vampire: "Hmph, and you do submit?"

Hero: "...Yes, but only if you allow Maya to leave and return home. If you do not, or if she is brought back here, then my submission will be no more."

Vampire chuckled while rubbing its chin.

Vampire: "So you have done your studies of vampiric law. Very well, I'll enjoy breaking the mind of a goodie-two-shoes like you."

With a simple wave of its hand, Maya was dropped to the floor. The Vampire leaned in, opening its mouth to an inhumane extent.

The Hero closed his eyes, accepting his horrid fate.

Until he realized something earth-shattering.

The Vampire had moved Maya out of the fire, yet she still was in the mansion. The deal hadn't yet been complete on either side. Which meant...

He could resist!

The Hero ducked under the Vampire's bite and grabbed his blade. Slashing at the Vampire's chest and missing by what could not be more than an inch.

Not liking his position, the hero leaped back, avoiding the Vampire's claws by a hair.

Vampire: "Damn you vermin! Come back here so I can tear you to shreds!"

The hero smirked, then dashed to Maya. Lifting her up with one arm while he pointed his blade at the Vampire.

Hero: "Apologies, but I came here not to brawl with an animal, but to save a lady."

Now, the hero didn't mean to make his voice sound husky, it just came out that way. Nor did he mean to hold Maya so strongly. In truth, he was a bit scared of The Vampire launching her back to the fireplace.

And to be fair to Maya, she'd been tied up for 3 hours and hung over a fire. Then pushed onto a warm and muscular body of a man who'd clicked all her buttons when it came to bravado.

...Unfortunately, none of that would save them from the absolute tonal slap everyone in the room was about to experience.

Maya: "Mmmmh."

Both Vampire and Hero stopped in their tracks. Looking at Maya with a similar level of confusion.

Was that...a moan? The hero was sure he wasn't holding Maya THAT tight...and it didn't seem like she was in pain. Which could only leave-

No...I mustn't think of her in such a poor light. She's been trapped here for weeks, with no companionship other than that monster. Of course, any sort of benevolent touch would please her. Yeah...it didn't even sound sexual. It definitely did, but the Hero was a bit too polite for his own good to properly access any vague situation.

But other than that his reasoning was sound. And he had more pressing concerns than if a madam was feeling attracted or not.

That is to say, Maya alone could not have caused the travesty that was about to occur. No, a second ingredient was needed.

Perfectionism.

Hero: "To you think you'd-"

Vampire: "DAMN IT MAYA!"

Hero: "How dare you! This la-"

Vampire: "Shut the fuck up! This imbecile needs to learn to FUCKING CONTROL HERSELF!"

Hero: "u-Uhm..." Now, normally the hero would never allow the Vampire to say something so awful without reprimand...but he also never expected the vampire to cuss. Or to get so upset about this.

To say the least, he was caught flat-footed. Which allowed the Vampire to seal their coffin.

Vampire: "We were sooo close! Just a few more minutes and we'd of done it! Finally finished this fucking questline! And you DROPPED the ball! So. FUCKING. HARD!"

Maya: "...Come on Jack, it's not even a big deal. I-"

Jack: "n-n-Not a big deal? Moaning in the final battle? What is this, erotica? Are you a slut? Should've-"

Finally, Maya hit her limit.

Maya: "Well maybe I'd be more focused if you didn't hang me over the fire for 3 hours!"

Jack: "Oh, so it's my fault that this dipshit took 2 hours on the ice puzzle?"

Hero: "w-What's going on? Are-"

Maya: "Don't be such a jackass! You did amazing Quin! It's Jack's fault for never giving any hints on-"

Quin: "Hold it!

Quin kept looking from the red-faced Vampire to the bared teeth 'lady' he was supposed to save.

Quin: "h-How do you know my name. Is...is this...staged?!"

Maya eye's widened as she realized what she and Jack had just done. Jack face-palmed.

Jack: "Oooh fuck! PR is going to kill us."

Quin looked around. The once threatening yet magical adventure he had was soured by a realization all heroes face eventually.

Oh...it was all just...pretend.

The final section! (Section.)

This is the end section, the sections the end, it ends, it does do that, it ends!