Okay you see how 9 has kinda this little hole in which anything can enter in it? And 1 has this tiny spike...okay that's called a rectum and a dick. When a daddy 1 loves a mommy 9 verrry much the daddy goes into the mommy and makes baby...BUT THAT'S ONLY IF MOMMY IS FLIPPED AROUND TO BE A FAKE 6, you see by having sex in their usual position Mommy rectum is the one thats gets penetrated. Which makes no baby and is very easy to hurt if not properly done.
But since 19 is not in-fact a couple like 1 + 9 (Which would be this) then its in-fact a male (Or a female with a dick, we call this futunari I believe...is their a name from nonbinary?) putting his erection within his rectum!
So yeah, that's why 19 is the number of getting up your own ass.
What I'm going to do/have done! (Section)
So here's an explanation on why this chapter is so long...I got bored.
Wait, hold up! Theirs more. Its proof that I do in fact...write a lot....when I want to...ah.
Hold it! You might have believed that was in-fact all I had to say but the truth of the matter was that it was not in fact all I had to say because I had to add one more thing that had to be said to end this sentence properly which will now be separated into another sentence because of how long this sentence has become which you will now see in the next sentence that I am about to do.
I wunder if much word make more viuw, folwers, and ratsing on fic.
WAIT!
You might've believed that this was all I had in store but it is in fact not! As you see everything you've read can be classified as padding! No not the padding of the overrated breast joke! But padding as in adding unneeded amount of extra shit that doesn't actually tell you anything new of importance which Is what I'm doing currently by explaining padding!
OBJECTION! You may of thought this was the end of my padding but it is in fact NOT! Because I have something honest to say!
I hope you enjoy all the words and like laugh and feel good by the end. And I'm somewhat surprised by how many people are reading this thing...even though its relatively speaking not a lot.
That's all I have to-
CHARGED GUILTY OF LYING! That was not in fact all I had to say! I hate being relatively lower then others! Go my children! Read this chapter and pick up your weapons! Begin a war against my fic not being the most popular to ever fic!
ACE ATTORNEY OBJECTION! This was all in-fact a comedic joke!
Yeah...
Oh the outline is going fine also...
And I like butterflies.
And I think this joke has overstayed its welcome...
yeah its overstayed its welcome.
Things I wrote just for you (And the others here as well!...Section.)
It's nothing new. I've gotten used to these blue walls, the 'you can do it' posters, and my captor's cold-hard gaze. She ain't pretty on the eyes or the heart. And I'd know a good heart or a better face, after all, I have both.
Yes, she was the reason I was stuck. Chained to this wooden seat by forces a regular man cannot see. Also known as, 'Social conformity.'
But I don't conform, because I don't fall for CONS!
...
Alas, she carried with her a weapon that could force my hand. A square that I called "The phone", a single tap and she'd have my father on the line.
My father...bless his soul, nothing more than a farm worker with a heart of gold. If he heard of all the vile things I'd had to do to survive in this...barbaric land why...his heart would shatter into a million pieces. And well... another woman had already done a good job on that front. Even if on accident.
And so I bit my tongue, waiting for the time to strike, for vengeance to be mi-
RING, RING, RING.
The ugly fat-nosed stinky bugger smooth brained dummy-dumb person known as Ms.Care turned the alarm clock on her phone off.
Ms.Care: "You may leave."
Finally.
I grabbed my awesome badass unicorn backpack and marched out with my head held high.
*Thud.
Susan: "Fuck!"
Ms.Care: "Susan!"
I rubbed my knee. It hurt...a lot. But I was a big girl, so I didn't cry.
Susan: "uuUUUUU-"
Okay maybe I cried a bit, but there was like...so much blood! Enough to give a war veteran SUPER PTSD.
Ms.Care: "Susan..."
Ms.Care dropped to her knees, lifting my head up with her pointy nails.
Ms.Care "No child or adult should ever cuss in such a-"
I wanted to fucking kill Ms.Care.
Luckily I remembered dad's teachings of "Killing is not popping Susan! ...even if your classmates say they do it in the vivdeogame." and decided to restrain myself...for now.
I got up, ignoring the lower life form known as Ms.Care. And strolled forward...then limped when I realized my knee still hurt.
Ms.Care: "This stunt today has cost you another 10 minutes of detention for tomorrow Susan. Please-"
Oh, fuck off!
Susan: "Lady! I-"
Ms.Care raised her right brow in the way she does when telling me non-verbally I'm 3 seconds away from another detention...woah, how many times have we done this?
Susan: "Ms.Care! I've served my time! Is 20 long years not enough for my crimes!?"
Ms.Care "Susan your 12."
Susan: "Did you not hear my song? I'm 48 mentally! At least! And I've spent 20 of those years here! In this stupid-"
Ms.Care did the brow thing.
Susan: "'Woooonderful place' that I have my own issues with!"
Ms.Care sighed in the way only adults could, because if you sighed with THAT level of "Ohh your so stupid!" then you'd DEFINITELY get detention, like...x100!
Ms.Care "Susan I understand your transition to this more formal way of learning has been...difficult. But there are rules to this place, and if you don't follow these rules then everyone is worse off for it."
My barn has rules also, they just make sense and are cool!
But if I said that to Ms.Care she'd probably say 'Oh why that simply can not do young madam! Chop chop back to your seat, it's another 100 years of detention for thee!"
So I nodded my head and let Ms.Care have her way...for now.
Leaving hell (Also known as my classroom) brought me some relief. Which was quickly road killed by the fact I only had 20 minutes left of heaven. (Also known as lunchtime.)
I decided to spend my time in the coolest place I know.
--------------------
Susan: "Pff, rotten day. Nothing but garbage."
To be fair, that was the usual for our school's dumpster. Still, I'd hoped for at least something cool...like a half-eaten big dac, or a map for a treasure chest, normal stuff like that you know?
But no. All I got is half-eaten yogurt, ahina pencils, and stares from the kids playing ball. Fuck you ball kids!
Actually didn't they let me play soccer with them once? Yeah never mind the ball kids are cool.
But if they dare touch my half-eaten yogurts I'll-
Wait what I'm saying? I don't even like yogurt, its all mushy and-
AND I'LL KILL THEM ALL IF THEY TOUCH WHAT'S MINE! I'LL SCREAM IT TO THEM! I'LL-
Susan: "HEY BALLS KIDS, I FU-"
*Bang.
Susan: "Uuuuuu!"
My overwhelming willpower and love for my father let me break free from whatever had gotten a hold of my mind! Knowing that pain (Or the power of friendship) is the best way to break free from mind control, I slammed my head against the edge of the dumpster. Breaking free from this...demonic magic.
Looking down I found the Banana peel that...that existed.
With no tears, I gave a mighty stomp at the Banana Peel, who for my adept eyes was clearly evil.
I'd forgotten it was in fact...a Banana Peel.
*Bang
Susan: "UUUUUU!"
Soccer Boys: "Are...are you okay?"
Susan: "I'm FIIIINE! LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY TRASH!"
Soccer Boys: "Okay! Just checking!"
I was about to go for round two on the Banana until I heard the oddest thing. Snickering.
Not from outside...but in MY garbage!
I snapped to where the noise had come from. A...
A fleshy thing...no...i-it was more like...
The burnt faces I'd sometimes see when dad roasted pig, their tiny muscle lines bare to my eyes. And speaking of eyes...
The top of this circular pile of muscles was an eye with the reddest veins I'd ever seen. And its pupil was as dark as the space between stars.
It wobbled in a way that reminded me of foods given to the sickly, to the toothless, to those on the verge of death.
I...I...
Susan: "EWW, I HATE JELLY!"
I tried to squash the stupid eye jelly, but I felt my hand slam into nothing but dumpster...and a bit of yogurt. When I raised my hand...nothing was there.
Susan: "Huh...guess that was a hallucination brought upon by the concussive force of the falls I'd taken back to bac-"
???: "Boo."
Susan: "AHH!"
The floating eye...laughed? How do eyes laugh? Or go 'Boo?' Wait, why is this jelly eye alive? Are my eyes alive...am I my eyes???!
???: "Boy, your a fun one. Oh, big fan of your work by the way! Don't let the slight teasing convince you otherwise, that's just how we demons greet you humans."
Susan: "That whole kill thing...that was you? y-You demons start your conversations with mind control!?"
Demon???: "Oh not mind-control, just a mild inconvenience for you. Or well, it would be if it wasn't for that banana peel. Though I guess you're right, others probably do it in another way. Oh, I heard the forced celibacy demon tap dances. Maybe that's a popular trend nowadays?"
Susan: "a-And you wouldn't know. As a...demon?"
The Demon shrugged...or well...I guess it didn't? It gave a strong impression that it was trying to shrug though.
Demon???: "Eh. I'm an older one, never found my in-group, kinda a loner. Uh, being the literal demon of inconveniences probably didn't help either. Not a very liked power from what I can tell."
I squinted, then rubbed my eyes, squinted again...rubbed my eyes one more time just to make sure. Then I said the most reasonable thing anyone can say when a floating eye demon is talking to you
Susan: "Am I drugged?"
The Demon of inconvenience stared at me for a bit. Its eye widened a tad as it looked closer into my pupils.
Demon of inconvenience: "Huh. Pretty rare for a No to be less problematic."
Susan: "What?"
Demon of inconvenience: "If I look deep into your eyes I get a sorta...radar of the biggest inconvenient and smallest inconvenient crap I can do to you. It's pretty vague, but from what I can tell saying No leads to what I came here for in the first place."
Susan: "And what would that be?"
It was laughing, and I now understood how I knew that. It was the glint in its eye, a subtle red shine. Like the one dad has when he cooks pigs, the sort that can't wait to take a bite. And won't care about how hard you scream.
Demon of inconvenience: "A Massive Inconvenience."
Susan: "a-Ah! I see...well, I wouldn't want that. So I'll be-"
Demon of inconvenience: "NO"
I tried to get up, but my legs were still shaky from the fall. I tried to scream but a fly got caught in my throat and I gagged instead. I tried to pull myself out with the edge of the-
*Bang
Susan: "f-Fuck!"
I clutched my hand. It couldn't have been a worse time for the dumpster lid to fall.
I tried to-
Demon of inconvenience: "Look, let's not drag things out. Your going to do something and I'm gonna make some unfortunate little thing happen that's gonna stop you in your tracks for a few seconds. And then will do it-"
While the Demon was monologuing I jumped up to-
*Bang
Susan: "Oww!"
I rubbed my head, when did that lid get so heavy?
Demon of inconvenience: "Goodness, you are a stubborn one. And-"
With the dumpster shut, all I could see was the demon's red glint. Waving around my neck, leaving a red line that clung to my skin.
Demon of inconvenience: "Oh so unprepared. Now stop looking down...and crying as well. Or I'll make those blue tears a nice crimson to go along with that ginger hair of yours."
I rubbed my tears away and tried to look into the Demon's eyes without shuddering. The more I looked the dizzier I felt. Like its eye was moving in directions I couldn't understand. Like the whole universe was a speck of dust within a speck of dust within a speck of dust within-
Demon of inconvenience: "Don't do that."
Susan: "h-Huh?"
Demon of inconvenience: "Seeing deep within me, it's not something your mind can handle."
Susan: "o-Oh..."
I tried not to do that, and my dizziness began to fade away.
Demon of inconvenience: "Interesting...I need to tell you more to get closer. Alright, listen up kid. We demons keep our powers on the lower scales so you humans can stand a chance. See it as a little game we play on if we take a big bite off you or not. Helps also in keeping the angels off our backs."
Susan: "Angels are real?"
Demon of inconvenience: "Sure...in a way. Look, from what I can tell the nitty-gritty isn't relevant. What matters is that I only bring humans minor to mild inconveniences. And a limited amount at that. So I can't go any higher unless I want to get hunted by angels AND demons. What you've experienced? Around mild. Things you could likely overcome...assuming they don't happen back to back of course. Minor would be something you barely even notice. Like the need to sneeze or a beam of light in your eyes for half a second or so. It sorta overcomes itself. If we ignore the limit I can do this sorta stuff all day. Now a major inconvenience is...well, you already know ALL about that one, don't you, my little lamb?"
The red shine grew brighter and brighter as I recalled the memory. It was a video I'd seen a few weeks ago in the library. Beginning with a pack of wolves salivating over unaware sheep. And ending with the screams of lambs as their wool turned from white to red.
I couldn't sleep for 2 whole days after that. And I'd had a nightmare about it yesterday. On that same day, I'd spent the car ride to school checking behind us. And when we came back home I closed our windows, begged my dad to keep the lights on, and locked my doors. Even then it took me a full hour more than usual to fall asleep. So I woke up drowsy and unprepared, which meant we got to the car a few minutes later than usual. And that meant we got stuck in the middle of traffic. And that got me late to school...and detention...which made me...me...come...here.
The demon's glint shined a bit brighter, it was laughing.
Demon of inconvenience: "Now I can't do all that willy-nilly. No. First something 'unlikely' has to happen. Then I need to apply my powers in just the right window of time. And finally...a human needs to 'choose' to do it. Why it really is a miracle. Not many young boys and girls would click on a video with such a bloody thumbnail. And those that would are either desensitized enough to take it. Or smart enough to click off before it gets too brutal. But you? Oh, you're a farm girl. Not soft like your stuck-up classmates. You can handle a bit of blood...and even if you can't, it's not like you can back down. No no, you just HAVE to salvage that little pride of yours. Ain't that so?"
Susan: "i-I'm n-not scared of you! i-I-"
The red line tightened around my neck like a nose.
Susan: "G-ggk-G"
Demon of inconvenience: "Oooh Susan, don't be silly. We're talking about Major Inconveniences. Unlikely? Yeah. But with billions of humans around? More than enough to find a few if I search in the right spots. But a Massive Inconvenience? Oooh, now that is rare...and you should be scared of that little Susan. Or-"
Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.
Susan: "Ahg."
The Demon gave me a moment of rest to regain my breath.
Demon of inconvenience: "Have you not heard of the black plague? The world wars? Spaced Jamming 2?"
My eyes widened.
Susan: "h-How is Spaced Jamming 2 comparable to world war 1?"
The Demon got closer, its red shine not even an inch away from my eyes.
Demon of inconvenience: "Oh, do you really want to know?"
I did not.
Demon of inconvenience: "Point is, this is a very rare opportunity for me. And I'm willing to...bend the rules a bit if it means getting my way."
I stared back at The Demon, trying to summon as much bravado as any witch. Or...at least the mountain-like sturdiness of my father.
Susan: "y-You'll get hunted for this! Killed! And-"
Demon of inconvenience: "You fool! You've made a fatal miscalculation! As everyone knows, Dumpsters are unseeable territory for us spiritual beings!"
Susan: "W-what? Why?!"
The Demon raised its brow...or...not I guess. Point is, it looked surprised.
Demon of inconvenience: "Why do you think people Dumpster Dive? For the trash inside? No, it's for privacy! To plan against us demons!"
Susan: "w-Wait! s-So all those conspiracy theories I read, t-the-"
Demon of inconvenience: "Yes you fool! The people who control your society aren't in fancy government buildings or inside a pyramid with an eye. They're in your local trash bins!"
My eyes could not be wider. Out of all the ridiculous yet true things I'd heard today, this was by far the most earth-shattering.
Demon of inconvenience: "Do you see it now Susan? There is no escape for you. With my influence, you will create a plague capable of killing millions to billions of lives. Or you shall have a leading role in the third world war of humanity. And even if you were to escape such terrible fates, there will be one more that awaits you! One even worse than both combined! You shall...produce a movie so mid that humanities standards for entertainment shall reach ROCK BOTTOM! Twisting the minds of the majority of your kin into caricatures of themselves or comedic principles!"
Susan: "N-No! t-that can't be true! That can't!"
Demon of inconvenience: "Ooh Susan...have you ever thought about why...everyone is fucking singing?"
My mouth gaped, my body trembled, my mind neared collapse at this...this...mind-melting revelation!
Susan: "Nooooo! I don't wanna! I don't wanna hurt anyone! Or make a shitty film! Leave me and my world alone!"
I threw a half-eaten yogurt at the demon, its eyes twisted the space around it. Consuming the yogurt.
Susan: "d-Did you just eat... my yogurt?"
Demon of inconvenience: "I like yogurt."
Susan: "You...you really are a demon."
Demon of inconvenience: "Full-on."
I gulped. I can't run, I can't hide, not even yogurt will stop it! What can I do?
... There was only one thing I could do to stand a chance.
I looked deep into the Demon's eyes, and it looked back at me. Its eye was everywhere, and nowhere, and time was just something it allowed itself to experience. And if infinity was a drop of water then not even the ocean would be enough to contain the smallest fraction of its being! The deeper I went, the bigger it got. Like instead of zooming in to its eye I was zooming out to its true self. Or...as much as my mind could comprehend.
I was seeing so much...too much...I was seeing-
Infinite layers of pancakes! Each one infinitely transcending the already infinite pancake below it! And that was but a dimension of infinite more inane things. Each one bigger and dumber than the last!!! Like...like Gorrila's stacked on top of each other, r-really? That's a dimension?!
a-And beyond even that! More. More! Endlessly higher! I see! All of human math from the biggest infinities to the smallest was nothing more than a teardrop it used to moisturize its eyes! Math itself! A concept that did not control it but was it's equal! Even just glazing upon its true self has revealed things my mind could not even begin to comprehend!
Like...why the fuck is 69 a funny number? WHY IS IT FUNNY?
Even then...all I've said...is nothing but a disservice to its true self. Which was a being of unimaginable evil! No, even more than that. It was beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond, be-
Demon of inconvenience: "I told you not to look too deep. Seriously. Nothing that can be compared to a luv-craft monster is safe to look at."
Huh...w-what? Funny number? Gorrilla's? Pancakes...hmmm pancakes-
Demon of inconvenience: "Oooh your minds vaulted off the specifics. Forgot that safety feature. I guess the angels are useful for something."
Wait what was I doing agai-
Demon of inconvenience: "Guess it all worked out, I can practically feel the Massive Inconvenience in you. Do you think it'll be like...religious? I always thought having a cult would be cool."
Oh right trying to avoid a society-destroying demon who's not playing fair.
OH RIGHT!
I scrambled to get together the pieces of information I had garnered. Come on brain, give me something good!
The demon moisturizes its eye with unimaginable malice.
That's not useful!
Wait, no that is useful! Thanks brain!
You're welcome.
I looked the demon in the eye...then remembered that had a chance of making me go insane. So I decided to like...glance at it sorta? I looked cool okay? Wait why am I trying to convince myself of this, I am cool!
I am epic gamer girl. I'm-
Demon of inconvenience: "Oooh, it's reeeaaally close now."
I'm...I'm...
Demon of inconvenience: "Shaking again? So much for your heroic comeback. I could almost hear the theme song. Luckily for me, I don't have ears. And even if I did, my playlist would only consist of your screams."
Susan: "s-Shut up! I'm... you're a demon, right? Well...all demons I've heard about...make deals."
Demon of inconvenience: "Sorta true."
Susan: "a-And you need me to comply to make this big disaster...right?"
Demon of inconvenience: "Hmmm."
Susan: "s-So how about this. i-I'll gain all your powers...and use them to cause that Massive Inconvenience. k-Kay?"
The Demon's red glint was bright like the sun...no, a supernova...No! A...a...I...I don't know to describe it. All I knew was that this was all the demon had ever wanted.
Demon of inconvenience: "Yes, we shall! And with-"
Susan: "W-wait!"
I extended my hand.
Susan: "We...we need to shake on it. Only when our hand-shake is done is the deal finalized, no take-backsies. a-And it needs to be a proper handshake! Not too tight, not too many shakes, a-and...yeah."
The Demon rolled its eye.
Demon of inconvenience: "Very well."
The muscle around its eye morphed, twisted, and grew into a thick hand. Its palm double the size of my own. For a demon who was salivating at the idea of destroying humanity...it gave a pretty good hand-shake.
Demon of inconvenience: "Is this enough?"
I closed my eyes.
Susan: "j-Just one more thing...all that power...WILL BE USED TO MAKE ME INTO A WITCH!"
Demon of inconvenience: "WHAT!?"
I slipped my hand away and shouted
Susan: "NO TAKE BACKSIES! IT'S OVER!"
I waited...preparing for something super awful to happen...
But nothing did.
Susan: "HA!"
I jumped to my feet, knocking the dumpster's lid straight up. It hurt...a lot, but it was worth it to see the sun and shocked expression on the demon's...well...eye.
Demon of inconvenience: "What?! No no no! Why is my radar not getting anything? Where is my FUCKING Massive Inconvenience!"
I raised my index finger to the sky, and the sun shined down on it epically.
Susan: "I, Susan Strongheart, possess all your demonic powers! Including that radar."
Despite that, The Demon's eye was still capable of shining a horrid red. This one was as violent as any fire I'd seen.
Demon of inconvenience: "No you DIDN'T! Even a fraction of my true power is more than enough to turn this universe into nothing! Your mind much less your body couldn't ever hope to contain it! It was supposed to be the end of all things! My victory. My hall of fame performance! FUCK! I swear if it's that Pranking Devil I'll RIP his-"
Susan: "Nope! It's just not how a witch rolls."
Demon of inconvenience: "What?"
I pointed at the Demon.
Susan: "A witch can't destroy a universe or planet or even a building! They're more...low-key! Seriously. Did you NEVER read the hairy pot books?"
Demon of inconvenience: "Isn't...isn't the author against trans-r-"
Susan: "OH SO YOU DRAW THE LINE AT THAT BUT NOT UNIVERSAL DESTRUCTION? Ugh, whatever! Look, if she hates transformations then...sure that's wrong! But I'm a kid, so let me read my wizard fiction!"
Demon of inconvenience: "Didn't you say you were 45-"
Susan: "It was 50 and I was being metaphorical! Get it, dummy!?"
I went for a harmless poke...and only realized mid-motion that The Demon was literally an eye.
Demon of inconvenience: "Ughh! Fuck!"
Susan: "O-oh s-sorry! That was uncalled for, I-"
Demon of inconvenience: "No, fuck you! This is so stupid! So because you believe witches can't destroy the universe my power just...doesn't destroy it? The universal destruction by merely existing is on what...a vacation?! Reading the classics? On a fucking honeymoon?!"
Susan: "Don't be stupid, the moon is made out of cheese, not honey."
The Demon used its newly formed hand to eye-palm, I don't know why.
Demon of inconvenience: "Oh goodness...how the fuck does this all work then? Can you move between hell and earth? Are you a demon now? Am I...still the Demon of inconvenience or-"
Susan: "Uhm, I know one of them. You're my magical pet!"
Demon of inconvenience: "Excuse me?"
I waved my finger around to show The Demon that I was educating it so it wouldn't be such an uncultured swine.
Susan: "Every witch has a magical/spiritual pet. Like an Owl, or...other things, l-like a demon eye!"
Demon of inconvenience: "I'm...I'm your pet?"
Susan: "Yup!"
The Demon let its arm slink off, floating higher into the sky with an ever-growing red glint.
Demon of inconvenience: "You...you may think you've bested me, human. With your...NO TAKE BACKSIES contract. But I'm a creature beyond measly laws! With my will alone that contract shall break! And all that was lost will be mine again! For I am more than just a person, but a concept! A being that will not be bested by a pre-pubescent girl who doesn't know SHIT about a single FUCKING thing in this-"
*BZZ
A lighting bolt slammed into The Demon, catching it on fire as some angelic voice from above roared
"NO TAKE BACKSIES! CONTRACTS WITH SUCH TERMS ARE ILLEGAL TO BREAK. yo...yo jerry, did I do a good job? Got the right one, right? What do you mean the speaker is-o-oh y-YOU DID NOT HEAR THIS!" And then...silence, oh how majestical.
The Demon coughed, somehow pushing out smoke from its non-existent mouth. It rolled to its side, letting the fire spread further.
Demon of inconvenience: "How...how did this happen to me? This was supposed to be my moment! My victory! Not me writing down my own slave contract."
Susan: "Tch, don't be so dramatic. You can ask your fellow pet, known as pet hare, how well I treat all my pets! You'll be welcomed and loved and-"
Demon of inconvenience: "WHYYYYYYY!"
Was...was...The Demon crying?
Holy shit. The Demon was wailing! Like, break-down sobbing!
Geez...after all it's done to me...but...no, I can't let fear consume me. Instead, I pointed at the demon once more,
Susan: "HA, YOU CRY LIKE A DYING POODLE!"
And laughed my ass off! I laughed and laughed and laughed! It was the best laugh of all my life!
Then the Demon kept crying...and I realized something was missing. Just mockery wouldn't solve any of this.
I had to teach the Demon a lesson, make it learn. Improve.
Susan: "Look...when I stared into your unfathomable depths of despair I realized something...your like...super hateful. You bet everything on a gamble when you didn't have to. All because you wanted to complete some universal destruction in one go! I mean, would the other angels and demons even approve of that?"
The Demon's tears slowed, its pupils moving up to me.
Demon of inconvenience: "I...I guess not."
Susan: "Yeah... it's like my father says. Too much is bad for anyone. And because of that I knew to not take too much of your power...but you didn't know to not get too greedy. Do you get it now Mx.Demon?"
I crouched down to pick up the banana peel.
Susan: "This is why-"
And threw it at the Demon's face.
Susan: "YOU LOST. Eat my shit you stupid eye! Luv-craftian monster? More like Luv-cratian miss! You had all that spiel about unlimited power, yet all you seem to be getting is unlimited Ls! LOLOLOLOLOL-"
Demon of inconvenience: "STOP IT. I DIDN'T LOSE! YOU LOST!"
Susan: "Coping + seething + malding + gamer-rage + L + Ratio + Cancelled + Never-coming back from this + Lol you wish + yo-"
Demon of inconvenience: "SHUT UP! STOP T-POSING ON ME."
I continued to assert my dominance.
Demon of inconvenience: "y-YOU KNOW NOTHING! THE CALAMITY HAS BEGUN! THE MASSIVE INCONVENIENCE WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD! IT'S ONLY A MATTER BEFORE YOUR OWN HANDs END ALL YOU LOVE! YOUR PET HARE. YOUR DREAMS. YOUR FATHE-w-WHY ARE YOU PLANKING ON THIS LITERAL DUMPSTER FIRE!?
Susan: "Oh, this? Sorry, I was getting tired of WALKING ALL OVER YOU!"
Demon of inconvenience: "A-AHHHHGHH!"
The Demon tackled me to the floor. We wrestled on the ground...which was pretty one-sided considering it was an eye...and I was ME!
I easily got it trapped into an arm...eye-lock! Pummeling it with my fist while-
???: "u...Uh..."
The poor boy in front of me looked paler than the moon. How long had he been standing there?
Ooooh, I get it. Sadly, it's not the time for that.
But for this!
Susan: "You see this thing! The eyed demon?! I tricked it! And it's like...omnipotent or some shit! That makes me ...omnipotent + 1! Spread the word my friend, of Susan's Stronghe-"
The boy fell to his knees. Shaking as if he'd seen something...burning or some shit!
Ugh, what a chore. Fine, if it can't wait I'll move my schedule around a tad. I'm flexible like that!
I whispered to the demon
Susan: "Truce."
Demon of inconvenience: "No! I'm never-"
Susan: "Okay, fuck off!"
Demon of inconvenience: "W-wait, what are yo-n-No! Don't you da-AHHH!"
I kicked my pet demon away like the poorly dotted soccer ball it was. I'll go get it later...now, I need to take care of the obvious.
???: "U-Uhh."
The poor boy was trying to get up, but his legs were so shaky that he couldn't even manage that. I guess I'll need to go soft on him.
I slowly walked to the poor boy, with each step his pale skin somehow got paler. I couldn't help but smirk at that, it's nice to know you've got the H down right.
Kneeling I patted the boy on the back.
Susan: "There there big guy. I get it, just seeing me is driving you up the wall. Hm, honestly it's about time someone realized what a bombshell I am."
???: "b-Bomb? i-i-Is that what you did to the dumpster?"
I looked back at the still-burning dumpster. I did some quick maths and...yeah that would expel me...or worse, 5 detentions!
Susan: "Uuh, it was that demon. Blame it on it."
???: "Demon? w-What are you talking about?"
Huh, could he not see it? Oooh...that is so cool! That's like witchy crap 101! I love it!
Susan: "Never mind. Look, dumpster diving is a very respectable hobby. And I just crawled out of a burning dumpster. Nothing worth addressing in that, understood?"
The boy nodded his head.
Honestly, I felt kinda bad. Using my fatal female charms on such an innocent youth? It was practically mind-control. And Witches don't do that, at least not the cute ones like me!
I looked at the boy, really looked at him. Full analysis mode. And came to an awesome way to get even.
I put my hand on his neck, giving him a taste of what he wanted. Immediately he stiffened up, his eyes getting wet as his entire body trembled. Boy was he sensitive.
I whispered into his ear, in the sexiest voice I knew. I called it "The Deep and mysterious tough guy voice...girl edition." All my girl classmates seemed into that, so I imitated the suave yet very masculine voices of the men I'd occasionally hear on tv.
Susan: "It shall work like this. Do my homework and give me your comic books and...and..." Oh, right! Dad said a man should always pay...so-
Susan: "all your money! And I will let you rule the beasts of this land."
???: "b-Beasts?"
I nodded my head.
Susan: "Beast-Men and Beast-Women, whichever you like shall fall upon the palm of your hand. With my magical power, none could stand against you!" Falling in love is a minor inconvenience for some people...right?
Susan: "Do you understand me?"
???: "I...I...I don't want that."
Oh?
???: "I just...don't hurt me...don't-"
Ah, poor boy. It's my own fault. My charms have made him fall into the deepest of loves. If I were to reject him now? Heh, I'd doubt he'd ever recover.
I'll need to take things slowly. Ease him into rejection. Or in other words...
Susan: "Very well boy. I shall humor you...and allow you to be my....friend."
Operation friend-zone!
???: "Uhm...oh...okay?"
Amazing. The boy eased up nearly immediately. Tch, who'd think the sliver of hope I offered him would be so potent! Sometimes I frighten even myself.
???: "So...are you like one of those...larpers?"
I rolled my eyes.
Susan: "Fakes larp. I am the real deal. Susan Strongheart, a witch of tremendous power! I-"
The boy began to laugh. Yet I spotted no comedian. Is their Jokes gas nearby?
???: "m-Man! y-You should've warned me if this was all some silly rp, I have a weak heart. Oh! That fire must be fake also! You should go pro! You're a great actress!"
I...I can't believe this! First Ms.Care and now this dipshit also!? Why is it so hard to believe that the world has a bit of magic! And it's getting even worse...his doubting the existence of fire. Fire! I needed to put a stop to this!
Susan: "My magic is real, boy! Why, I've just made a pact with a demon of unimaginable power!"
???: "Pff, really? Then could you show it to me?"
Hm! I didn't appreciate that smug look on his face. But it's fine, I'll wipe it right off after I show him my awesome power!
Susan: "Mild inconvenience!"
...Nothing happened.
???: "Wait, so your magic is about inco-"
Susan: "SHUT UP! Umh...Hocus mocus! Pew pew pew! Mmh, Shawammy! BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ"
The boy started laughing again. Even I could see how imitating a bee was a bit...odd.
But it's not my fault! It's the stupid demon's fault! It didn't give me a control manual on any of this!
Susan: "Stop laughing! I've got magic! I know I do! I know it I know it I know it! It's just...o-on...v-vacation! Right! Its-"
???: "H-hey it's cool! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
My feelings were not hurt! My heart is like stone and my mind is like dad's mustache, unshaveable!
But...it did feel nice to get a few pats on the back. So I allowed his foolishness to continue a while longer.
???: "I think...that you're an awesome witch! a-And I'm like...a psychic!"
Susan: "r-Really?"
The boy nodded his head! I couldn't believe my luck! I was friends with a psychic!
???: "Yup...and I can see with my third eye...yeah, you have a great career ahead of you on broodway."
Broodway! That sounds so magical! I must be like...a Master Witch! I jumped to my feet and pointed to the sun once more.
Susan: "HAHA! I knew even the heavens would fall short of my height!"
???: "y-Yo, be careful. Some people could get offe-"
I pulled the boy by the hips like I'd seen the big boys do it on tv.
Susan: "I've decided. You and I with our awesome gifts will reach the top of Broodway. For I know there is no better witchy-girl or psychic-guy than us!"
The boy got a bit red in the cheeks. Don't tell me his chickening out?!
???: "That's...very nice of you to say. But I don't have the talent for that. My voi-"
Susan: "Nonsense! Look me in the eyes!"
He did as he was told. And as our eyes met I realized something...I have the demon's radar!
I could figure out ahead of time if what I was going to say would be problematic or not! I began thinking my words out before saying them for like...the first time ever!
Though...the radar was a bit busted. I mean the first thing that came to mind was wrong...and the second...and the third...and the-
I shooed away the radar. I'd need to repair it at a later time. For now, I'd rely on my killer instincts.
Susan: "Listen to me well. You know nothing of what you can do until you strive for it! To allow another to say whether it is possible or not is to forsake your own future! To let it be determined by another! Do not fall for such a trap. For I see great things within you, magical things."
Based. Epic. Awesome! I am the best! The-
Why is he crying?! NOOOO!
Susan: "Uh I mean! Forsake it all! You're a prisoner for those you admire! Don't you dare step out of line and-"
???: "Alright, alright I get it. You don't need to make fun of me."
I was making fun of him?
I had no clue what was going on, but the boy was wiping his tears away so...I did good?
Yeah, I did good. We're even now. I sighed in relief, then lost even more of my breath as the boy gave me the most adorable puppy eyes I'd ever seen.
???: "Yes Susan! Let's go to Broodway. You and me!"
Susan: "YEAH!"
I lifted both my arms to the sky. And shouted
Susan: "We will! For I Susan StrongHeart am awesome! And you, my cute side-kick, known as..."
I paused. After a minute or so the boy got the hint and whispered his name to my ear.
???: "Carlo the Big."
He was not big in width or length, but I let that slide to preserve the cool moment.
Susan: "CARLO THE BIG! We shall concur Broodway with our magic!"
Carlo: "YEAH!"
Susan: "And get all the awards!"
Carlo: "YEAH!"
Susan: "And...And...a third thing, like-"
I pointed to Carlo. His face got paler and paler as he scrambled for an answer.
Carlo: "ah uhm uh a-are voices will be heard by all! In every musical! We will be world-renowned singers...a-and actors!"
Susan: "YEA-w-wait."
I paused, looked Carlo dead in the eye, and asked.
Susan: "Does Broodway have hairy pot magic?"
Carlo: "...no."
Susan: "Any magic?"
Carlo: "...no."
Susan: "...Is it just like...a musical place. Like where hammington was shown?"
Carlo: "...yes."
Susan: "...oh."
And then the bell rang. Two awful revelations at the same time. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in my life
The final section! (Section.)
The part that ends the up your ass chapter.