Not a Vessel for your Good Intent (Blade)
Content Warnings:
Panic attacks. Dehumanization. Talk of past dehumanization. Smutty jokes. Talk of not having a past and memory alterations.
The moment the vines seal the Estate entrance behind us, I set my Mistresses down, walk off the main pathway and fall to my knees, sinking claw-like hands into the ground as I scream in rage and futility. I should have done more. Something to make a difference.
Within a few heartbeats my Mistresses are kneeling before me. Elevar sitting so much like she's done before, hands just shy of touching but offered if desired. "My Xafra... I'm sorry. You did so well today. Led us through what could have been a disaster. But I'm still so sorry. That was a lot and all at once and not what we expected or prepared for on this outing."
Verbess is at my back now, and Krahe already rushed to meet us and at its side. Quills tittering songs of support and protection and love.
"It feels like I've been making the same mistakes all over again. Who knows how many have suffered at the end of Klevik's wretched hooks? How can I make amends to those she will hurt from here forward?" I ask in desperation. I hate how powerless I feel.
"You can't. Because those are not your amends to make, Dear one. That Captain has made, and will make, her own choices. None of which are your burden to feel responsible for. Killing or even snatching up her and that gaggle might stave off some death, some pain. But..." Elevar replies softly before Lynette slips out to speak. "The wider withering of the garden remains, and will replace her with someone worse if we acted differently today. That's our true enemy. The one you've yearned to rip the heart out of since you heard it still beats.”
"The worst part is I don't hate her, I understand her. Understand why she's like that. I—" I'm interrupted by something that horrifies me. A Geist in my Driftdream is doing a ritual of communion, yet targeting me instead of Dämmerung. With a flex of Ousia, I manifest an ephemeral version of her in front of us, the need to externalize the ongoing violation overriding everything else in my mind. Once she's present, I quickly curl down behind my Mistresses, into the safety of Verbess’ arms where the Geist cannot see me.
"My deepest apologies for interrupting, Matron Xafra. I'll admit I did not expect such a rapid response to my request for communion." The Geist, Nadine, one of the originals, states humbly.
Verbess cracks apart to extend and expand itself, then wraps all about my Frame. Cocooning me almost entirely as Krahe shifts to settle at our Mistress' side to gift us more coverage while I snatch up Adaline who seems just as rattled into my lap like a plush toy. Feeling both her quiet bubbling pain and desire to snuggle close to her Pack.
"Ah." Lynette tilts their head and turns to fully consider Nadine. "I've not had the pleasure of meeting you. I guess that you know our names, but will offer mine besides. I am Lynette, and this is... a rather odd time to request an audience. Is there an emergency or otherwise I might be able to assist?”
"I am Nadine... Thirteen. Yes, that feels the most correct. Not an emergency, I felt it appropriate to wait until Matron Xafra and the rest of you had returned from your mission to request an audience and didn't feel her distress come through until I was already being... Summoned. It seems whatever form she is using completely blocks our perception of her emotions, limited as it is. I would like to help if possible, or I can go if desired and permitted.” As she speaks, through the Pack bond with my sisters, I pass the sensation of Nadine doing the communion ritual and how blasphemous it felt to be reached out to in such a way.
"Um... Okay so you're never going to do that weird ritual to reach out to her again, okay?" Krahe speaks up first while shaking her Quills and intoning back to us through the bond.
My Mistresses glance over to her, Elevar asking. "What ritual was that?”
"I offered my blood and magic to the soil of the dream in the basement of my Smithy to reach out to its creator and ruler." Nadine answers without hesitation.
"Ah. Well wasn't that..." Lynette replies dryly, but trails off. Pauses. Then sighs and restarts. "Okay. Not an emergency then. Good. That was innovative and impressive of you, but also a touch foolish. So, to make everyone here more comfortable you and I are going to continue this talk within the Driftdream. Boundaries and expectations set alongside methods of future communication and such while Elevar remains here. Our Xafra will join us when she is ready. Do you understand and agree to this?”
"Certainly. Though I will note that I'm not present under my own power and can't actually go back without being dismissed." Nadine states pointedly and I flinch with self-loathing as I loosen my grip on her, letting her return to the Driftdream. Holding her tightly like a toy, not even considering her feelings.
"Cracked and Riven Moon." Lynette sighs, turns to gaze at the bundle of Verbess that Adaline and I are encased within. And I feel a little smudge of... something, titter from her along the bond. At first hidden but then allowed to be seen. Real worry and affections but... also a hint of annoyance directed inward for a sense of complete loss at how to help myself or Adaline. She pauses, then intones gently.
Then she is gone, and Elevar gets the chance to huff and lean forward. "And honestly... I thought I was a Mistress of hiding my internal struggles. Compared to the two of you, I must seem an open book. You both managed yourselves so well beyond these wall today. Had every right to slaughter that entire encampment at dozens of moments... but didn't. I'm sorry either way. But... wanted to say that. And to apologize. I should have sent you with Schatzi, Adaline. I think you'd have such a wonderful time learning how to move unseen with her. And Xafra I..." My Mistress trails off and waits. Intoning nothing but wordless patience. Nothing more than what was necessary. Not even worth mentioning really.
"Thank you. It was really hard, pretending to be property again." Adaline murmurs quietly as she tightens her hold on me.
"I... don't think I'm willing or able to do that again myself, wife. See you treated like that." Elevar pulls up a knee to rest elbow and chin on. "We need a better... something. To make this work long term. I'm not sure what, but we need a more comfortable lie to tell. Something we can all settle into and wear about ourselves like comfortable cloaks before talons come out."
"I'm so sorry, I... I lied about Jezrial." I finally remark. "I was too ashamed to admit the truth.” Gotta tell her. Especially now.
Only curiosity tinted with a touch of worry moves down the bond from Elevar, and nothing is hidden or kept back. No anger or mistrust. "Oh? You've only shared a little with us about your time with her, and... I'd certainly always rather you be honest and withhold things than give a lie but... Well, firstly you're forgiven. Of course. Although I'm only curious and not offended. I’m willing to listen to whatever you'll share?”
"I told you I poisoned her, because I wanted it to be true, I wanted it to be a conscious rational decision to eliminate a serial killer who preyed on those like us. I could have, would have done it, but I didn't. Jezrial died during an invasion by a rival city-state. I took her into my Gestalt as... As the love of my life, with no knowledge of her actions until after she was a part of me and... I couldn't even remember her name anymore. I couldn't justify excising her at that point." I explain with tears in my eyes, hoping that she'll understand.
"Oh... Xafra I... I'm so sorry." She whispers, adjusting to shuffle a bit closer to us. "That you had to experience that. Not just the loss, but the... the realization afterwards and guilt for the memories preserving her brought you. That's..." She trails off. Instead intones her own old aches and emotions toward the death of her first love. The betrayal felt and pain of being left alone to stand atop the shattered remains of the cruelty they caused.
And then... a nudge of something else. An odd tangled mess of emotions it takes a bit to unwind enough to understand.
"We've our own nonsense to try and be better for, and shouldn't feel the need to try and shoulder theirs too. Her murders were not yours to answer for." She whispers. "And Jezrial was one of your first? Right? Her memories probably gave you a ton of knowledge about the body. How to knit one for yourself maybe? Or were you already able to do that?”
"She taught me while she was my wielder, helped me go from a silly malformed manikin to a human body so efficient that I could sustain it at minimal expense. She considered me a prized pet, not a person, but an object of value to be treasured. It was before I got the Breath, and was only able to add to my Gestalt, but not my reserves of Ousia. Without her... I wouldn't be here anymore. Her murders are my responsibility because she's a part of me now. That's part of the obligation I have as a—" I stop as I lose track of my thoughts, gently redirected by Warden. "It's important to me to make amends on behalf of my Geists and accomplish what unfinished business of theirs I can.”
Elevar nods carefully. "For all your others... that seems reasonable to a certain extent. But this one seems more than toxic to not just you, but your other charges. Would you rather her be excised from your Gestalt? Even if only into a Frame that is easier to manage and keep from causing you pain from within?”
"I would be willing to offer that. I don't feel comfortable insisting on it though unless she deliberately causes harm in the Driftdream. I think it would be antithetical to me to do otherwise.”
Elevar winces, bond alight with more worry. But she doesn't push. Instead asks. "How would you like to move forward? With her? You know Lynette and I wouldn't be anything but happy to speak with Jezrial on your behalf. Make that offer, and otherwise set expectations and boundaries if you'd rather not engage with her. Or come with you if you'd like our support."
"I would like the company. I think I need closure, to be able to talk to her face to face, and that would be easier with you both there.”
"Of course." She nods. "I understand and... despite how worried I am, support you fully in this.”
"If it's any comfort, I'm pretty sure she's my only evil ex that you'll have to meet. I uhm. Was a lot more careful with my emotions after her." I giggle and feel my worries start to fade in the presence of my Pack and Mistress. "Adaline, I hope that you'll forgive me for how I treated you there. You deserve better and as Elevar said, we'll have to find a way to handle the situation more comfortably for all of us.”
"Empty skies, I wish we could promise you the same." My Mistress huffs, but soon is giggling. "Let's hope our identity never becomes widely known. Cracked and Riven Moon, would that just be the worst to have to deal with that lot again. Because we were the evil ex, and not all of them ever realized that.”
"As the resident fiction author, you were more accurately the evil henchwoman that gets swayed to the side of Good and Justice after the original Big Bad is defeated and before the Bigger Bad is revealed." Adaline says with a touch of malicious glee that feels almost prophetic.
"I wasn't... we were..." Elevar stammers, then leans back on her hands and lets out a sigh. "Let's hope we get to skip over that last part. A collection of rival Matriarchs and isolated Thresher Burrows will make this so much easier to do. Especially if it turns out the Sun-Blessed are agreeable sorts.”
Adaline quietly mutters something about a "secret moon base filled with space witches" before biting into my bony shoulder. I adore this silly Doll.
Elevar chuckles and pushes to rise. "I know our Pack can Function on Quill-Song, giggles, and sex alone, but apparently running all about like we did costs this new body further sustenance. I'm stupidly hungry and would like to eat something before anything else happens today.”
"Oh! Actually, it would be lovely to eat seeing as I currently have the proper organs for it." I gasp, struggling to my feet with Adaline clutched to my front and Verbess attached to my back. "Krahe, would you like to jump on as well?”
Krahe cackles while skittering up my body. Moving to settle draped off my left shoulder.
The three of us follow behind one of our Mistresses while the other negotiates in the Driftdream. She can handle that while we rest a bit before joining her. We make our way shortly to Elevar's Spire where Strychnine is already setting out a meal for us, Rufus, and Calix.
"Thank you." Elevar says to Strychnine before sliding into a seat.
Strychnine nods in pleasure and departs after they finish setting out the food.
"How did the trip go?" Rufus casually asks and I realize that he doesn't know about what happened. Welp. This is going to be awkward.
"Schatzi got your letters, but... only after we discovered that some Captain snatched up your squad and two others. Are now camping along the Root Way in preparation to handle the security of the coming meetings." Elevar supplies, holding out a hand toward Verbess and Schatzi. "We actually had such a chat with her, even. Started our politicking early to try and gather some information. No physical violence, which was a surprise. Seems some in your order are decent at measuring the consequences of such actions."
Schatzi hands over the letters with a casual smile and giggles before also handing over a journal, the sight of which causes Rufus to immediately blush.
"Oh. Um. Wow. Which captain? Please... don't tell me you looked in that journal?" He says frantically.
"Klevik." Our Mistress responds while offering the journal and letters to Rufus. "Older woman, grizzled and more than a touch surly. My guess is that she might have either overseen or been present when the Groves wove a deal with Yselda from how she spoke of things.”
Rufus takes the items gladly while nodding. "She was my own captain's mentor when they were young. Never met her myself but she has a reputation for practicality.”
I start to serve us all while deciding to needle at Rufus a bit. "So what's in the journal? Anything delightfully embarrassing?”
Elevar chuckles while poking at the first bites of her food. "If it includes anything from before I left it'll be full to bursting with that. He got into horrible trouble, and was endlessly sweet on at least three boys and I can remember. Always trying to impress. I doubt that changed.”
Rufus smiles as he tucks them away, "That's true enough. I even have some mockup illustrations of myself in a suit and Elevar in a dress that I drew back before either of us really understood what those desires meant. We chose... very different paths in life, but I'm glad that I've been granted the opportunity to be a part of hers and all of your lives. It... Would have been easier to kill me, I know, and I'm grateful that you took the effort to do otherwise." He shrugs casually and starts eating as well, while Calix quietly pokes with a spoon at a thick blue paste in the bowl in front of himself.
"No, it would not have been. Rufus." Elevar murmurs solemnly, then grins. "And... I'm honestly curious to see those illustrations at some point. Terrified. For certain. But... You were always quite skilled with your artworks and I'm curious how close the Resheathing got us to how we might have otherwise been.”
"I'll think on it. Something to look forward to perhaps after we figure out the situation with my... Ex-captain, Uthroy, and my old Burrow. What's the plan in the short term?" Rufus deflects.
"For the moment? Nothing. We've a meeting with the Sun-Blessed fast approaching and with Threshers already here... Any kind of early conflicts could topple this chance to settle the Groves." She tip-taps the table. "And it gifts you more time to write out all the details we'll need when we start making plans to strike, and us more time to know who we'll be dealing with in the coming weeks.”
Rufus nods in agreement. "Please let me know if I can help in any way beyond that, I want to contribute. Earn my keep and such."
Elevar considers that for a moment, "I'd honestly like to see you focus on living well. But outside of that... Maybe see if your skills can help some Dolls with projects about the grounds? Things I've missed or not thought of. Big and small. Then come to me when they need a Spire twisted or shifted to their needs."
"We can do that! I know them all so that helps and and um. Why is this blue?”
"Because Strychnine thought that it might make the flavor more interesting. It's completely non-toxic." I reassure the delightful man.
"It's quite... odd. To consider all the things that could be consumed when one doesn't need to worry about toxins or dietary needs." Elevar giggles while staring at my food.
"True, though at the moment, both me and Calix are having human compatible food, which is nice on occasion." I laugh as Calix blushes again.
I savor the flavor of freshly grown vegetables and cheese in my pasta dish as I muse. "We should head into the Driftdream once we're done eating. To talk to Nadine, and also remove this gallowshadow hanging over me. I'm worried that I'll lose my nerve if we don't talk to Jezrial right away."
"I agree, and think it's a good idea to set that goal aloud." She nods. "From the little flickers... I at least know that Lynette likes Nadine. Thinks her clever and reliable. But... Unfortunately for her that has an equal chance to come across in playfully threatening ways as much as honestly sweet."
"Mmm. Nadine is a strong resilient girl, if Lynette pushes too hard, she'll end up on a spreader bar, which... would either go terribly or very well." I half-joke, the memories of all the elaborate devices Nadine made for intimacy with her girlfriend coming to mind.
This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.
"Oh please don't tempt her," Elevar sighs while shaking her head, but it's with a grin. "It's bad enough that she doesn't sleep. I do not need to be woken up by her finding new ways to entertain herself through the nights."
"Look, I'm just saying, you might wind up in awkward positions sometimes, considering I don't need sleep either and now have the full memories of a lot of various horny girls in my head."
"Now that..." She trails off, tip-tapping her lip with a fork. "Is something I'd not mind. Actually. Lynette's not gone wandering off while I'm asleep yet but I'll trust our Pack to find ways to keep her from getting into all sorts of mischief. By whatever devious and persuasive ways are needed."
"Alright, well, me and Calix should get going, now that I'm no longer feeling the need to pace around anxiously, I'd like to put all this nervous energy to good use." Rufus says as he finishes his salad.
He pauses as he steps away from the table. "Should... Calix go with you for that?" What is he getting at? Probably not worth pressing if he doesn't explain.
"Hm? Oh, I don't think so?" Elevar replies. "Just our Pack. Combat Frames and a Witch, just in case our talks tilt wrongways."
"So... I think Lynette and Nadine have mostly covered everything?" Elevar glances over at me. "Would you like to stop by Nadine's or go straight to Jezrial?"
“It would probably be more respectful to see Nadine first. She did go through the effort of trying to contact me." I muse.
"Easy one first then." She grins and rises. "Although... Let's go lay down first. I'd rather not wake up to find this body still hates me when I fall asleep in a chair."
** ** **
We arrive in the Driftdream just outside the town as usual, the place still changing more and more, flexing between individual domains within my own and a gradual melding together as aesthetics intermingle. A short jaunt and myself, the Pack, and Mistress Elevar are standing at the door to Nadine's smithy.
"So... They're both in there. And I'm kinda... nervous." I state quietly, staring at the door.
"About what they might be doing to each other? Or..." Elevar smirks and steps up, knuckles poised just away from the door to knock. Eyebrows quirked in curiosity back at me.
"Both? Heh. It's like... meeting in-laws, in a weird sort of way?"
She pauses, tilts her head. "I... Can sort of see that? Yes. It makes sense."
"We are not discussing the logistics of that, unless you want me to squick out entirely." Adaline warns with a grim tone.
"Yes. No. Please." Elevar agrees, and knocks on the door. "Let's avoid falling down troublesome new thoughtpaths when current ones still need to be dealt with."
Nadine opens the door with a slight smile and leads us through her shopfront into her sitting room where Lynette is on a couch drinking a red liquid from a large stein glass.
"Can I get you all anything to drink or eat?" My Geist offers.
"We actually just had a bite, so I think even now within a dream I'm satiated." Elevar replies, eyes Lynette, then looks back to Nadine. "I trust she wasn't... too much herself? Mayhaps even a well behaved guest at the very least?"
"She reminds me of Tiffany a fair bit, I think I'll try to avoid introducing them too soon or we'll find ourselves completely organized before we realize."
Lynette grins while raising her cup at Nadine and standing. "If that's your honest opinion I'm excited to meet her. Because... Wouldn't that be a delight? All in the garden growing well and rightways instead of twisting in all the wrong directions. We'll either be too alike to function together or harmonize quicker than is healthier for us both."
"More of the second, I believe, my Mistress. Have you both sorted out what the issues were? I am sorry for the severity of my reaction earlier, it was simply surprisingly bad timing." I mention placatingly.
Lynette nods and sets her glass aside. “We got through it all quickly and easily, actually. No apologies needed."
"Alright then. So um... I'm planning on meeting with Jezrial next, but first I should probably be looped into whatever y'all decided on?"
"It's straightforward enough." Lynette shrugs, "A place dug below and secured in case of incursion or more... destabilizing events. An easier method of communication with you from the Driftdream itself, and... well, other questions and considerations that'll be avoided until after said removal of the Garrote. Unless..." She looks to Nadine in polite curiosity, "Did you have any questions to ask Xafra while she's here and we're on these topics?"
"Not questions exactly, but..." Nadine looks at me with a mixture of concern and awe, "Xafra, I would ask that you do not stop adding to your Gestalt, but make a criteria to ensure that you can minimize the harm to yourself."
I stare at her in confusion for longer than is reasonable before agreeing. "Sure, I guess. I hadn't really made up my mind either way... Well. Okay actually, yeah, I see what you're getting at now. Thank you."
Elevar looks between us, expression one of curiously tinted with worry. “That will be… quite the discussion. One with lots of subtlety and considerations. Because the opposite may be true I take it, Nadine? That some may be thinking about asking for the chance to exit the Driftdream? And both may have facets that can’t be considered until our Xafra is free from her final Garrote.”
"Yes. There are a few that are thinking about it, and one that would like an end when it can be done in full awareness." Nadine answers softly.
"Kizurra." I say heavily. "She wanted to stay to witness Namtar being avenged, and likely wants to see what sort of afterlife might exist now."
Elevar goes stiff, but nods. "Oh... I... Of course. Xafra's told us of Namtar, but not this one. We can gather the details on when everyone is more... when everyone has a better grasp of these surroundings and future? Due to it being Xafra needing to enact this, I think... it'll be important to ensure all that? I understand the... That this is probably difficult for many here, but I'd like to not encourage anything but the full understanding and awareness and consent in this. Especially when the action will require another to aid in it."
"She was Namtar's mother, and my wielder for only a short time before she passed me onto him. After his death she asked me to integrate her and use her knowledge to help avenge him." I explain quickly to reduce tension.
"Ah, that's good to understand." Elevar nods but still radiates such a tangle of emotions, ones shifting between pained recollections and current anxieties. "As for those considering a future without; we can see about either offering them a Frame like we did Krahe or otherwise, if we can use Resheathing mixed with Fleshcrafting and such, weave them forms of Flesh." She looks at Nadine, trying to relax a bit. "As for now, thank you for your time and efforts in taking the initiative in these things. We now mean to speak with a certain Geist. One most troublesome. Unless you had a pressing concern or question beyond those?"
Lynette remains... oddly quiet. Eyeing Elevar intently behind a mask of calm I can feel hides her own thoughts.
"I only ask that... You treat her fairly and with understanding. I... I am a simple woman, and I do not want to forgive her actions, but... How many can say they would not do anything similar in her situation? She is a monster, but one that reflects the rest of us in some ways."
"I'll give her only the patience I might gift myself at the end of my less... thoughtful years." Elevar replies. "The rest will be up to her."
"And I mean to ensure these ones don't accept any compromises." Lynette remarks while gently tip-taping Elevar and my shoulders before turning to head for the doorway. "Jezrial either changes by her own volition or... well..." Pauses, glances back, gives my Geist a genuinely kind smile. "Thank you for your time, Nadine. Regardless of the twistings that brought you here, I'm quite glad I get to see how your will shall change this Dream."
Nadine laughs heartily and waves. "You're welcome to visit anytime."
We head out, my mind filled with thoughts sparking and convulsing, not to mention the 58 Geists, two Mistresses and five Pack members. I lead us down winding roads through the town, letting everyone collect themselves and allowing myself to be seen by the inhabitants before making our way to Jezrial's clinic.
The clinic on the outside seems a bit... disheveled. Jezrial's home/workspace was squashed between two bigger buildings back in the day. So here sort of standing alone it seems oddly shaped. Almost unnatural? Cleaner than in life though. As the Driftdream is free of the wear and tear of the city stuck within a constant state of unease and motion and war.
"Whatever you need from us, just ask. We'll all be close." Elevar murmurs gently, the hand she slipped into mine during our walk here giving a soft squeeze.
I knock on the door with more confidence than I feel, still in my Endzeit form, but decide to remove the skull mask for the discussion, letting it hang freely around my neck.
Almost a dozen beats of my Mistress' heart pass before the door opens.
Jezrial look exactly as I remember except... maybe a bit more rested. The exhaustion that came from a life where anything over five hours of sleep was unheard of is only noticeable in the way she carries herself. A precision of motion to keep any sluggishness to a minimum.
Her dark brown eyes take me in, touching on the mask for a bit longer than all the rest, then she glances between my Mistress' and Pack before turning back to regard me. "Ah. Was wondering when this would occur. Am I to come with you or...?"
"I've missed you." I can't stop the words that burst free from my lips.
She purses her lips at my words, but only like she would when seeing a condemned patient begin to recover almost inexplicably. Confused but... not unkindly so.
"I'm not certain what you think is going on, but we are simply here to accompany our Pack lead to see you and talk through her feelings." Schatzi mentions, "We could come in if you feel like inviting us, or find somewhere more open if you'd prefer though neutral ground doesn't really exist in the Driftdream."
Jezrial replies almost carefully to us. Like how she would to any lovers or family to the recovering she's yet to claim will leave her clinic out the front. "Here is fitting, I'll pull some of the Salt-Pear stock from upstairs and make a brew."
Then Jezrial steps back from the door and moves to head inside.
I follow her into the clinic as she heads straight for the back stairwell, then up the twisted rickety planks. She comes back down within a few moments with a bottle of said Salt-Pear stock. A drink made from once plentiful and easily harvested pear that grew by the sea. Only a few drops in a mug of water and you get a vibrant flavor alongside a kick of energy.
The main floor is where all the beds are. She always called them the Stacks, in a grim mockery to the fact that at the worst of times we had three stacks of patients atop each other utilizing the planks that fold out from the wall and the floor, currently stowed and folded up as the clinic is empty. I pull out the three chairs kept on this level pushed against the wall and unfold one of the beds from the wall to accommodate the Pack for sitting while sitting myself down on the floor. "I wonder if we can get the Estate to assist in growing similar pears. Don't even know if they still grow considering the geographic changes."
"They were a robust enough species from what my uncle used to tell me. Just needed an ocean's worth of sea-water to turn out a batch every three months." Jezrial says while searching for cups on the shelves. Ends up huffing and settling on a few of the medical beakers normally sterilized for mixing or containment. Begins to pour water into each before topping each off with three drops of the Salt-Pear stock. "Wouldn't risk a spore infection myself, though. Not with the seas... current inhabitants."
She sets all the drinks, save two, on a rolling tray and moves it over to Schatzi to be distributed to the group. Then steps back and passes me mine before settling back to drop on the floor next to a small desk. Leaning her back against it so that she's facing me.
"I think you're a bit beyond that sort of infection, for now at least." I chuckle lightly. "But you know that of course. My understanding is you know everything I've witnessed directly up until the Garrote removal. That helps, somewhat at least." I sip the drink slowly, letting my mind relax into old patterns to prepare myself.
Jezrial shrugs and takes her first long drink, then lowers it and says gently. "Knowing and knowing are two different things, Pe-." She stops at the name, a somewhat disgusted expression crossing her face. But... one that seems more self-focused. "No. That's not right for you anymore. Is it? Merciful Moon, is that what I mean by that. You've gotten yourself a name, and I know through the mess of memories I'm still catching up to that calling you Pet is... incorrect. At least for me. As is lecturing you. But old habits are a bitch to bury."
"Jezrial, I always loved your lectures, and will continue to do so, except perhaps on the topic of ethics, hmm?" I shake my head with a bitter smile. "Learning is an eternal pursuit, and worthwhile as long as you're willing to accept change."
"Ah..." She nods, staring down at the dancing emerald hues within her cup. "What changes would you ask this dead Curanos to accept that you think I haven't?"
"I don't know, Jezrial. I know everything you did in life, your reasonings, your hopes, and your dreams. But I have no idea how you've begun to consider everything you've witnessed since then, how you feel about me utilizing your talents to help those you considered useless eaters, how you feel about anything I've done or seen since you died in my arms and I learned that you... were no less monstrous that me."
"Skills. Not talents. Not random quirks of flesh children discover at... at..." She trails off. Then sighs heavily and thunks her head back into the wood behind before beginning anew after. "Fine then, no lectures. Let's see if I pass the thin slice. I'm... furious. At the coven that was responsible for your creation, at their stupid scheme as I understand it, their execution of it and... and how I'm only glad that bastard snatched you away. Because the vermin wrapped you in a messy and spiteful Garrote that I never even had the training to understand, much less remove. At the Moon-Blessed, for wasting Her gifts and somehow losing us everything. Even the Mother Herself. How all that's left of those Blessings is so diluted through humanity that seems content to let itself slowly degrade into... whatever they are now. How they let the Denizens claim the sea and entrench themselves too deep to ever really scour clean of this world. But..."
She takes a deep breath, finishes her drink in a big gulp, then reaches up to slide it onto the desk above her.
"But... that's all just the mud on our boots right now. As useless as being mad at a storm for raining. No, I'm furious at myself. That I gave you everything I had left, nothing held back save the things that first Garrote hides, but the memories of my choices sit so heavily like bile in your gut that... That you..." She's speaking evenly now, sharply, almost quietly. But... that's what she does when she's at her most angry. "I know all the words you've had for me. A lifetime of them. And nothing I say here will change that. Or that my death let you fall into filthy hands that eventually let you strike a blow that seems to be something that sent the world into a spiral. All for some... two-bit jumped up raider who thought that showing respect to a fucking Matriarch was beneath him. Got himself killed and you set on the warpath. Merciful Moon... But if that isn't all my fault. If I had simply... not died like I did. Gotten the chance to explain things... Maybe we could have stopped all this. Discovered those Garrotes and gotten them off so you could begin learning the Truths."
I burst out laughing, spilling my drink. "Mother Moon, I've missed you so. Namtar really was an idiot. And no, it's not all your fault. The only things you did wrong was believing in an ideology that was flawed at it's root and letting it guide your hands to kill instead of cure." I still my expression as I wave to dismiss the mess I've created. "Do you see this form? I crafted it with love and sorrow, and all of my feelings for you. I don't know what you think of it, but I consider it beautiful even though it hurts to return to. It is magnificent and horrific in equal measure. Like you and I. heh. To quote Kira's father, I'm not here to piss in my hands and claim it's raining. I'm simply wanting to talk with you. To see if you can exist here in comfort with the others. No judgment to pass or solemn proclamations, your sins are mine already and I've found atoning for yours much easier than for my own."
"That form is flattering, practical, if a bit... overmuch." She eyes me, however it's with a quirk of her lips. "But that was the task and of course you poured your entire self into it. Never thought your artistic flair would be very useful to a Curanos. But I'm glad to be wrong about that. If... if nothing else. You've gone beyond mastering what I learned, you've reshaped and discovered and redefined. I'm proud of that. Of you. How my first and only student did better than most with less at the start, and survived the end of everything besides. As for the rest..."
Jezrial trails off and looks about the room. Slowly taking it all in.
"Namtar was garbage really, but I wanted to avenge him because he did something none of my previous owners did. He treated me as some One who was wrong, instead of some Thing to be corrected." I eventually speak into the silence. "The Truth at the core of me is that I am a possession first and a person only when permitted."
Jezrial's eyes glide back to me, quirking an eyebrow in curiosity. "The Garrote stops you from knowing some hopes I had for your future, but... that's well enough true. Didn't even entertain the thought you might want to be something else until you tried to weave a body that first time. Everything was... new and fresh and overwhelming for you. Even the memories you spoke of having from those girls they killed. Personhood seemed a strange topic to have with you. To call you a child would have been incorrect, and a tool insulting, so... Pet it was. But you know this. Don't even hate me for that. So... Let's skip the parts I know and you tell me what you're getting at."
"You were watching from my eyes so I'll ask you directly. What is my name, Jezrial?"
"Xafra." She replies easily.
"My full name."
A pause, then I can feel as much as see the flicker of understanding spark in her eyes. "Ah. Yes. The My part, it's possessive. None of the others tried that when they wanted to give you a name. Not me even."
"Exactly. I learned that well though. My daughter will never be a possession unless she chooses that herself."
"That's... " She pauses, then nods after considering for a few breaths. "Good. I hope your little one hatches to a happier world than the old."
"Oh... We can't promise that." Lynette chuckles, "But we can promise that she'll be well equipped to handle any unpleasantness that it tries to bestow upon her. And at least a few safe places to hide away when such things become too tiresome. Reliable sorts to be anything she needs."
Jezrial taught me all her tricks to avoid flinching, and from her eyes and the way she braces I can tell that she'd focused on me as much as if I was any other patient. Years of control training making her eyes only roll to regard Lynette rather than jerk.
"On that... subject." Jezrial begins evenly, turning back to me after a pause. "I've worries over you, and your little one. And the... Estate. But before all that I'd ask when the removal of the Basal Garrote is planned, and how you mean to extract it safely?"
Elevar looks to me, a question rippling to me down our bond. {Do you want to talk about this here? With her?}
[She is trustworthy, despite everything.]
{I... actually agree with you. Which was unexpected. She's a mess from a bad time, but... not so much as others.} My Mistress replies, then turns to Jezrial. "It will either be before we leave to meet with the Envoys of the Sun-Blessed, or when we return if we're not satisfied with our assessments. Our schemes for the removal are... difficult to explain. Dämmerung gave us new senses that accelerated our timetables, but also introduced new worries and revelations we still need to work out."
Jezrial nods. "Those... Ousia and Physis woven extensions. Yes. Inversion of tactile senses that double as mitosis-capable organs. I assume from Xafra stabilizing immediately after the other was removed and replaced that they naturally either attune to her, or that her natural abilities to tune Ousia to herself, that it shouldn't be rejected. But have you ensured it won't slow other workings?"
"And... Why are you worried it might?" Elevar asks, eyebrow raised.
Jezrial sighs. "This Garrote is woven deeper than any others, Any rejection of foreign substances to replace it could lead to a cascade. Something Xafra couldn't or wouldn't stop and the rest of you won't sense until it's too late to cut off."
Lynette shrugs. "We've plans for an adjacent worry. Both for mitigation and alerting us the moment abnormalities appear."
"And those are...?" Jezrial presses, but only looks to my Elevar and me.
"Quill Song, Harmonized and sung from both within the Driftdream and without." Elevar answers. "Our new tendrils have been nibbling on her since we first got them. Gathering up new things every day. This Garrote is... more like redirecting a big Root between the Groves. Heavy and awkward and holding up lots of things... but straightforward."
"Okay, what else?"
A pause, and Lynette chuckles. "Well... Aren't you persistent and presumptive?"
She finally turns to face Lynette, not glaring but... expression unkind. "Even without letting myself drown in her memories I see the holes in your plans. The things not being shared. Facts the Basal Garrote wouldn't stop her from knowing."
"I have the technical knowledge of what you're talking about but no practical experience so… I'm honestly a bit lost and part of the problem is that whenever I think too closely around it I get blanked." I interject.
"Yes, but all us Geists remember what's gotten cut away. And this is not about those instances." Jezrial states with all the softness of a scalpels edge, still staring at Lynette. "I'm talking about the things you could know, but don't because she's not telling you or asking. So chart this out with me, pe-" She cuts herself off, looks to me, expression apologetic but focused. Like when a motion would hurt a patient when it wasn't supposed to. "Please. Xafra. Tell me. What do you think her plan is if things go really bad? Or she has the excuse to say they are and everyone is panicking and you're unresponsive? What would you do in her position? With all the resources you've seen at her disposal?"
"Truthfully... I don't care. I know what I've agreed to and what I've offered. Even if Lynette decides to tighten a noose around me and reduce me to property... Such is my place. I cannot comprehend of otherwise no matter how much I try. As for what I would do in her position? I would do my best to free her regardless of what it costs me personally. That's not something I would expect from any other. That's the thing, Jezrial. You hid your actions from me when I would not have even hesitated to follow your orders if you told me to dirty my hands instead. I want to be different, and I've pushed and stretched against the shape of my existence for as long as I have existed yet... I'm still subject to it, and I don't want to kill any more of the people I love."
"I... you..." Jezrial sputters like I've never seen her do. "You're meant for better than-"
"No." Elevar cuts her off, but the word isn't meant for her.
It was for me.
My Mistress moves to sit on the floor at my side. Eyes locked on mine as she pokes my shoulder. "I will not swap one wretched thing out for another, won't let... let the only choices be between this or another binding. What is it you told me? When I refused to free Lynette? That neither of your daughter's mothers would be Garroted by the time Sikkina awakens?"
Then she looks to Jezrial before I can answer.
"Of course we're going to share everything and get her full consent before we try something like this." Elevar continues. "Even give her time to consider and converse with her Pack without us present if any of them would like that. We're being careful. Want to have everything sorted and laid out before bringing it to her. Anything the Garrote might cut away will be vetted and reworded by Warden to be as clear as possible. She will have every chance to press for changes and even... even refuse. If the risks are too much for her. We have time to find better solutions."
"I'm... Scared, more than anything. Because... I don't think any of you understand what I lost when you removed the first Garrote." I whisper, my form flickering between different shapes before settling on the Grakler one.
Jezrial goes still, everything she is devoted to holding back a reaction.
Elevar winces, radiating worry and adorations, then pulls me up into her lap. "You're right. Of course. We can guess at it's edges and worry over ways we think might help but... the depths of it isn't clear. Would you... like to share this? Gift me or us the words?”
"I had parents. Childhoods. Friends that I grew up with. And... Now there is an unmistakable distance between what is my past and what is the Geists past. My youth was being witness to a mass murder, being beaten into the form of a scepter and bound to be unable to remember—" I stutter and cough, "I don't even know, all before I was able to think for myself. Then once I started gaining self awareness, I was bound again, stripped of those I tried to save, and in some ways, it was a mercy because their memories became mine. Removing the garrote was necessary, and an objective good, but... It hurts so much to know how empty my existence has been. How It's been darkness and tragedy briefly interrupted by moments of bliss."
"I'm so sorry." Elevar intones while hugging me ever closer, shivering and trying to keep any pain along the bond sparking up between us. "You deserved better. It's... it's so important that you receive a full life now. One bubbling with a family you can delight in and a home safe from those that would hurt you. And... and I wish so much that I could... I just... Xafra. My Xafra. This Garrote wasn't laid for you. Wasn't made to keep you safe or happy. It stops you from seeing within or filling those gaps. I can't promise there won't be terrifying things on the other side. New revelations that'll change you. But... I can promise we'll be with you through it all. That nothing about your existence will be empty ever again. Hard, and still tragic sometimes, but filled with sorts trying so desperately to gift you more the bliss that you'd ever dream possible."