It's Okay That You Can't Fix Me (Witch)

Content Warning:

Talk about past Sexual Assault in the form of Groping, and this being done after explicitly told not to. Talk about Misgendering based on genitals. Talk about Degendering based on sexual preferences. Panic over past sexual assaults and memories of words spoken by their abusers. Suicide Ideation.

I had insisted Xafra call Primrose and Nettle from her Spire to keep her company, refusing to leave her alone and… hoping their cheerful and easy adorations for their Mistress will help her feel loved and valued.

{Is Adaline still in the study?} I intone to Verbess and Schatzi as I leave the Workshop Spire and begin my trek back to my own. I’d asked them to keep an eye on her, and to only follow at a safe distance if she left. Able to tell me where she might go for ease of tracking afterwards.

[Yes, Mistress. She has been waiting patiently.]

Thank the Dead Hag for small bouts of luck.

{Wonderful. Thank you both for keeping an eye on her. Would you… mind terribly going to the Second Storage Spire and taking a look about for some of those old Blueprints? The big ones for Combat Dolls? Specifically the schemers with wings? Xafra is at the Workshop and would adore the chance to consider them.}

[Oh! Those are such lovely ones. We will head there now.] Schatzi replies.

I encounter them along the path just outside my Spire, hesitate and ask softly. “Could an old Witch bother you both for a hug?”

Schatzi dashes forward to scoop me up in a massive hug while Verbess murmurs, “Mistress… Please be careful.”

“Always.” I reply as I hold them tight for longer than I normally would.

Let them calm the fury I might otherwise let roil up.

Then we release each other, and attend to our responsibilities. I find Adaline seated exactly where Xafra and I left her, on the floor of my study just inside the balcony. Wordlessly I move to stand before her. Considering…

“Alright.” I let out a breath and move to sit on the soft Root floor about a foot before her. “Let’s get the easy nonsense out of the way first.”

"Okay.” She replies with a mix of confusion and worry. “Is... Xafra alright? This one is not sure what's wrong but she's really upset."

I tilt my head, face a careful mask of concealed regard. “Honestly? No. But she will be. And I’m still trying to decide if what you said was born of malice, manipulations, or… just painful stupidity. You called her a man, Adaline. Of all people I thought you’d know how that would hurt someone like us. Like Her.”

"But... Wife, Xafra has a dick. Why would anyone who isn't a man want one? Getting rid of mine was one of the best parts of becoming a Doll... Wait. She's like us? Oh. I... Assumed in the moment that this one had misunderstood her identity." She pauses, "This one doesn't understand, but is sorry. This one didn't want to hurt her."

“No. No, I think you do, and you did.” I feel my eyelid twitch, repress an open glare as I regard her.. “Why else would you keep calling Xafra Her and She despite suddenly thinking she was a man? If you mistook her identity, then why keep insulting in such a petty way?”

"Because she uses she? This one also uses she despite not being a person. Mistress Xafra is important to this one. Mistress Xafra would be my ‘Mistress’ since that's what she wants to be called even if she was a man."

“Interesting preferences of titles aside, are you saying that enjoyment in differing variations of the flesh dictates some objective identity? That Xafra is incorrect to call herself a woman if she enjoys having a dick? There are Dolls on these grounds that relate to her in that way, Adaline. Are they not real women? Or not men if they claim that identity because they wanted to keep tits or cunt?”

"This one... doesn't know." Adaline pauses for a long moment. "If Mistress Xafra says she's not a man... then she's not. That sounds right?"

"Yes. Excellent. Wonderful of you to finally understand that. And... now for the hard part." I exhale, then let myself glower at her openly. Indulging just a touch of the venom I'd hoped left me the day Xafra tore out old bones. "You will not return to Xafra's Spire, you will stay away from her and her Dolls until I say otherwise. The rest of the Estate, including my Spire, are open to you so long as you do not violate that privilege."

"But... That's not fair!” Adaline stares at me in horror. “She's this one's Mistress. Unless... Does she not want this one anymore?"

"No, she still sees you as hers, unfortunately." I barely keep my voice steady as I reply. "Would probably have endured your abuse in silence had you not called her that. This is my demand, me protecting my Xafra."

"Abuse!?!” She exclaims. “But… But calling her that was a mistake and this one is sorry!"

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"She was able to, and did, tell you NO! Multiple times!" I snap. "And yet you still thought to grope her?"

"I… I thought she was playing because it wasn't an order enforced by Tone or violence." Adaline gives me the most puzzled look, "That's... how you tell Dolls you're serious... right?"

"No." I can't help the rasp that touches my throat. "Maybe elsewhere, but not here. Not anymore. And certainly not with Xafra. She'll only use the Tone in case of an emergency, and she should not need violence to have her words be treated with respect. And... and this applies to the Dolls here as well. We... I mean to do better by them. Give them the respect I've not done."

Adaline nods, "Okay."

"And to be... precise. Even if I gave your leave to return into her care today, You will never lay hands on Xafra, in any fashion, especially in the way you did, without her explicit permissions. She... she's not..." I have to look away, let a hand drift over to sink nails into the soft flesh forearm to refocus me. Let part of my mind wrap about the blossom and distract from the bubbling bile rising up as I clinch the tether tight. Make sure none of my nonsense leaks out.

You saw how easily she threw herself upon Xafra, and should have guessed it could lead to this. Should have stopped being a stupid cowardly Half-Knit and just... laid out this expectation. Always your fault, stop thinking that hurting others will make that less true!

"Anyway. Xafra is going to take time to consider this. Absorb her new home and the life she deserves. Same as you, I hope. This... this separation is making sure that... that this is what is best for you both." I'm able to finally shove out through souring deep in my gut. "You can stay here, or in any other Spire. Even claim one if you'd like. A place to do your own research and make your own mistakes."

At most you can blame this on the Old Cunt. Her lies. Adaline did nothing then either. She saved you. Has ONLY ever saved you and endured your cruelties after you failed to save her.

"This one understands, my Wife. This one... doesn't want to be that kind of Doll. I don't. This one would..." She falls silent and gets up, heading towards the balcony.

Say it. My everything roils.

"Adaline." I whisper.

"I should have died from the soul rot.” The Doll whispers as she stands at the balcony and stares up at the moon. “Then you wouldn't have been stuck here after Yselda died, and... I wouldn't have hurt anyone."

"Wh- what? N- no! You... You're the reason I finished the Blasenplage at all!" I cry out in surprise, venom spoiling and a damn of all my guilt and excuses and shame pouring free. "I was dead, Adaline, nothing left. Will and personality flayed away by her overuse of the Garrote laden Tone. That... that's why Yselda even... even let you meet me! She knew I'd given up. Needed me to latch onto someone else when I fell apart. Wanted her stupid Half-Knit to survive long enough to have something of her Lynnette left to enjoy after she re-made me. I just... If she'd just waited another day I... I would have given you my notes and... and you could have cast it while Verbess gutted the other cunt and..." I slam bloody fist into the root floor hard enough to tear flesh. "And then you saved me again. In those years after the Garrote flayed my mind. Gave me a purpose. And... and I... I hurt you. Again and again and AGAIN! Lashed out with the Tone when I was to stupid to... to heal you. To figure out how to do myself what Xafra did."

"Don't call yourself that. Please. We..." She sighs heavily. "This one doesn't blame you. It's a Dolls purpose to be an outlet. This one just... thought things were better but... is still causing problems, and not even fun ones."

"Adaline, you're not..." I take a deep breath, move to rise, and carefully approach to stand beside her. "Things are better. Despite the mistakes that were made today. And they can be healed from. Can be learned from. And you're not... we were taught wrong, Adaline. About Dolls. About the Tone. About... about all of it! You've shown me that. You're still as brilliant and vibrant and... and amazing as you were before. Wounded, yes, but... also in a form I hope you find more comfortable. And to claim yourself as nothing but an outlet for another is such a waste. You deserve better than that."

"Thank you. This one should try to find something to do. Elevar?" She smiles, a small scared thing. "This one still wants to prank you. Is that okay if this one... takes into consideration the things we talked about?"

"Yes, of course. Whenever the urge catches your fancy. You'll find nothing but my flustered annoyance at worst. Which I hope you'll delight in." I immediately reply. Then pause, consider the stars and the Estate about us before turning back to face her. "I... I'm... I've missed you. Missed seeing this wonderous blue butterfly soar free."

"Can...” She pauses in a heartbeat of confliction. “I hug you?"

"Y– yes." I whisper, before hesitation ruins me. "Th- that... Please."

Slowly and gently, like she used to when I was sick, she hugs me.

A pause, and I’m slipping my hands up to embrace her like I’ve never been able to. Squeezing her tight and close as I feel such renewed vigor pulsing through me. Strength like I’ve not had in years reinforced with desperate pained delight that… that…

She’s free. My… my Adaline, she… even without the Garrote she doesn’t hate me. At… at least not as much as she should.

I… I know I don’t deserve this. Did not earn even this small moment of affection from this gerl. But… I don’t CARE. Can’t consider anything else as I enjoy this. Can only bask in the smell of her grass-touched hair and wonderful thrum of her inner workings and… And everything else. All of her. This Gerl I thought I ended fully the day I freed myself just… here. Still hurt, probably with scars she’ll never remove completely but… That’s okay.

I don’t want to fix her. Only… only watch as she considers her own future and the changes that suit her desires. Help her heal when she asks and intervene when she might need.

And that… that’s all I want as I feel what lurks beneath die just a little bit more. As I feel First Floret Lynnette crack and wither. Hope that someday that wretch’s tendanties and muses are only distant memories but… for now they ground me.

Remind me of what awaits if I am not so very careful.

"There's... a few things we should discuss, you know." She murmurs gently into the hug.

"Of course, yes." I pull back, but… stay close. "Thank you. F– for that. What do you want to talk with me about?"

"This one isn't sure if she told you yet, but Xafra is claustrophobic. And... You should tell her what your original Einwandfrei was. It's important."

"I... I pieced together the first, but not consciously. It makes sense. I... Well I'll let her tell you what she will, when she will. She’s older than you'd guess and I've been giving her time to adjust. Safe spaces, and all that." I bite my lip and look away. "I'm... I don't even remember telling you that, Adaline. Did Yselda tell you or... or was it when a command stole my lips and made me babble on?"

"Neither. This one doesn't know what it is but knows the Blasenplage is your second.” She presses. “An Einwandfrei speaks to the soul of a Witch, and... despite her current state, this one knows that to be a fact."

“Oh good, you had me worried.” I let out a huff of relieved air. "It was a foul thing, just... just like I was."

"This one knows you think so, But... It's important. Please. You don't need to share it with this one, but Xafra said that... you are bonded. Not like us, but something real. Something more than just a dumb doll's rambling. Share it with her."

"Adaline, you've never been and are not dumb." I reply sharply. "I cheated, and stole and... and did much worse to gain the title of Witch. You put in the honest work, and it shows. Regardless of your current state, you will always be a brilliant Witch. More deserving of the mantle than I ever was, or will be. And... you're not wrong. I should tell her. But... not now. Not yet. I need to focus on helping you two settle. Then... I'll tell her and you. Let you both understand the kind of cunt I was and still work very hard not to be. Give some well needed perspective."

"You say this one is not dumb, and yet, I won't stop calling you wife…” She tilts her head. “Because you didn't make me do so and... that's wrong isn't it?"

I shake my head. "No. I... I've complicated feelings on it but... not for the reasons you think. Please don't stop if... if you don't want to."

Adaline gently bumps her forehead against mine and whispers, "Remember, be kind to yourself. Only this one is allowed to be mean to her Wife." Then she hops backwards off the second floor balcony and wanders away from my Spire.