I'm Sorry For What I Said When I Was Hypoxic (Blade)

Content Warnings:

Apologising and talking about wanting to be better Mistress!!! Woops! Cutie in a Dress. YAY!

Fuck. fuckfuckfuck. Fuuuuuuuck. Oh I really messed this up now. But... okay. Hold on. I stop halfway between Elevar's Spire and my own, only a few dozen metres. [Dolls, Status report.]

[Um.... This one’s okay? I think? Um...] Primrose replies. [Operating at full capacity Mistress, how may this one serve?] Nettle follows up.

[Sharing new Harvest with connected Groves, what does that even mean? Yselda wasn't a blossom, she was a mean old lady. Mistress Elevar cultivated... weird.] Calix's background chatter catches my attention as he cants ::Functioning:: in lieu of a proper response.

[Alright. If you are all up for it... I would like to have a bit of a meeting once I collect Adaline on the way. I uhm. Have some things I need to say.]

A chorus of ‘Yes Mistress!' from them and I'm moving again.

I need to dive into the Driftdream, sort past from present once more, catalogue and cross reference new information. but, not until I collect my dear Adaline. I find her outside the Spire, staring upwards again. Dissociation. A decent survival method but not sufficient anymore. Enclosure fear. can't just pick her up. OURS. yes yes, she's ours. WE HURT HER. We'll do better.

I kneel beside her and gently nudge her arm until she rouses.

"Huh what?" She grouses as her four eyes all come into focus on me. "You. Mistress Xafra, this one is quite cross with you.”

"Yes, I dare say you have every right to be. I'll do my best to explain. Wanted to hold a bit of a meeting, would you be alright with me carrying you, or would you rather walk?"

Reasonable offer of physical closeness. Not a sacrifice, I don't really mind her touching me.

"Hmph. This one would prefer to be carried." I don't laugh at her grumbling even though it is adorable.

We return to the Spire and I set her down outside where Nettle has set out a picnic blanket and basket filled with more of her cooking experiments next to my Frame. Primrose rushes over and gives me a big hug that helps me feel like things... might be alright.

Calix is tinkering with an odd device of liquid filled tubes and bulbs that I can only imagine has some sort of confounding purpose, which I studiously ignore.

"I fucked up. There are... explanations I can and will provide, not excuses but reasons, but first and foremost, I must apologize to you all." I lower myself to my knees and bow to them all. "I am truly sorry for compromising my mental state and health without prior notice or explanation, for causing you all undue stress, for risking myself in the first place in the undercroft, and specifically to you Adaline, for sealing you into that room with us all.”

Nettle seems uncomfortable but murmurs simple, “It’s perfectly alright, Mistress.”

Primrose though… she dissolves into a bit of a sputtering mess and soon she’s next to me and trying to pull me to rise. “No. Mistress. Can do as you like. This one should… should have been prepared to… to help you better or… or explain the tunnels better or… or…”

Trying so very hard to find fault in her own actions and not mine, her beloved Mistress…

"This one is definitely interested in why it all happened, but understands that things can be odd..." Calix sits and starts rummaging through the basket.

Adaline just stares at me, "You're... apologizing? Are you getting rid of us or something?”

A pretty solid pulse of sudden worry would come off nettle and primrose at this. Primrose sputters out more, but waits for me to begin speaking.

I shake my head and chuckle a bit as I gently sit Primrose down. "I'm not getting rid of any of you. I promise. I'm... old fashioned, perhaps. In my time we had a concept called Adel verpflichtet, or to put in simple terms, the Obligation of the Powerful. You all," I gesture at each of them in turn, "Chose to accept my claim on you, surrendered your autonomy to me. I... am trying something new, to my own experiences as well. After my Forging, I was treated poorly. Enough so that I have trouble at times recognizing my worth. Beforehand, those that went into me were commoners, mundanes of no great standing. But this concept existed, and I feel that, in trying to do better, to be better, that starts with how I treat those who are subservient to me. Thus, I offer you genuine apologies for my transgressions against you, and a recounting of what lead to such events.”

Nettle and Primrose are calming and quiet. Unable to form words around this. Calix nods along, quietly starting on some sort of pastry.

"Well go on, Mistress. Let us know what drove you to such silly choices." Adaline tries to feign a scornful tone, but it is undermined by the feelings of compassion and understanding that flow from her to us all.

"This round of foolishness started when I accidentally overheard Verbess and Schatzi talking. Verbess had been dreaming, which at first I thought was not important but then... the two of them starting talking about how it means they're dying. I couldn't let them die. So I started searching, looking through the upper tunnels for some way to save them, thinking Yselda would have a trove of secrets perhaps. That's when Primrose came across me.”

"Dreaming isn't really a big deal, This one’s been dreaming off and on for decades." Calix interjects.

"...What? CALIX! THAT'S NOT NORMAL." Adaline shouts at the boy, concern and surprise and wonder all flooding through her words.

"Do... Do you mean the Nightmares?" Primrose murmurs, leaning into a hug from Nettle.

"The... old Mistress told us those were normal, often led to Dolls wandering the Tunnels or grounds." Nettle adds softly while comforting Primrose.

"The miasma whispers? This one hears those all the time, just chattering away in the corner. This one meant big dreams. That mean old lady Yselda thought it was interesting that this one kept waking up from them, but it seems normal to this one.”

I tighten my hold on my racing thoughts. "Calix, we will talk about this in detail. Afterwards though, please? Let me get through my explanation?”

Adaline seems to want to interrupt but keeps her peace.

Nettle and Primrose would remain silent at Xafra's request. Nuzzled close and listening.

"I was... confused with what Primrose was saying, truthfully believing her initially to be a manifestation of the Estate or something similar, as I had begun to clue into what this place actually is. I had... believed that the miasma, was... like me, not just decayed Ousia like most miasma is, but an Entity trapped by the Estate. And so, I offered to free it.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

I'm still not certain it isn't a prisoner in some ways. But I will do better to find out safely, talk with Elevar and you all, and such. If this is to be a home, I will not tolerate any Häuslich or slaves here, it would poison our relationships. Anyway." I pause and take an unneeded breath to collect my thoughts.

"Apparently using Yselda's tone along with the other voices was a mistake, the ground opened up beneath myself and Primrose. I shoved her back and sent Sikkina's... egg, I guess you could call it, over to her, in case I was... trapped for as long as last time.”

I look down at my hands. "I should explain Sikkina. It... heh. I didn't expect to be freed so quickly and yet already have her implanted. Sikkina started out as a weapon. A tool of spite and loathing for those that Forged me. I crafted her core and shell in such a manner to... overtake a Witch. Consume from the inside out and wear the skin of a person, like the Denizens do, to be a person, the right I was denied. But... this nameless tool I crafted was one that... could never be a person, never be anything more than a weapon, and after meeting Elevar, Verbess, and Schatzi, I realized that that... wasn't fair. So since we've met I've been reweaving the core, I added knowledge of happiness and joy, of love and friendship, I gave her a name, Sikkina, knife, not to be a weapon, but as a nod to me as her... mother, and... to hopefully inspire her to create, to sculpt the future she wants. But I didn't reshape the shell yet, didn't... get to it, wanted to ensure she could be happy first. And so…”

"And so your daughter got put into the Loom, with us thinking that's what you wanted." Adaline whispers.

I nod. "Yes. which... had its own consequences. I'll get to that.

In the first area I was in, I was surrounded by seawater, and it was filled with moonstone. I gorged myself on it, to extract the Lunargent from it. A substance that was once known to be sacred to Witches, and a source of great power, though fatal to humans. I mention this only because... I believe there may be a chance that it is affecting me, my mental state. After that, I was... moved to a different chamber, one that pressurized miasma, and forced me into my spearform, to try and hide my presence as well as prevent my bones from shattering. from there, I was rescued, as you all know.”

Nettle listens quietly. While Primrose’s eyes go a bit wide at the mention of Sikkina, realizing that she is my daughter and that she and Calix got to hold her for a while. But no words. A soft squeak of delight followed quickly by worry about Sikkina going into the Loom. Barely repressed, I want to ask if she's going to be okay.

"Mistress Elevar of course wanted to know why I was down there, despite her warnings, and while I didn't intend to enter the undercroft, I kinda did end up there. So I informed her of Verbess' dreaming and we went to check on them. Schatzi's... other half, inner core? Woke up and talked to us, called itself Warden.”

"Oh! That's what its name is. Good to know, I owe it a favor." Adaline jumps in.

"Yeah.” I huff. “So it said it needed a Progenitor-type Ousia Siphon, and that such knowledge was unavailable. Basically, we were told to make the most of the time we had with them. twenty three days until irrevocable decline. I had... just made them my siblings in truth. I couldn't lose them.”

"Mmhm. This one has seen a lot of Dolls degrade over the centuries. It doesn't get easier." Calix adds somberly.

Nettle pulls Primrose closer still as she tears up, but both remain quiet and listen.

"The strangest thing happened though. Mistress Elevar asked Warden what a Progenitor-type Ousia Siphon exactly was, and... the design was based on observations of Soulbane. Me. Confirmation that I, or at least, my creation, was the origin of the entire field of dollcraft. and... if one based on me was needed... Mine should suffice.”

The two snuggly Dolls stare at me in confusion. Perhaps a bit of wonder but... neither of them were Witches from what they’d told me. When I claim to be the origin of Dollcraft, Nettle pursues her lips in silent disbelief while Primrose is still totally enraptured by the story.

Adaline decides to shatter the tension, "So.... You're telling me that you're thousands of years old. Should I be calling you grandmother?”

"Please don't. As far as time that I've existed outside of being... entombed, I've only been around for about thirty years. but... when I was sealed away, the moon was still intact in the sky.”

I shake my head. "Continuing on. My siphoning abilities work through something I've known as the Breath of Dämmerung. It has a proper name, but Dämmerung isn't the most talkative of the Divines. I've only communed with them three times in total, each time increasing the amount of Breath I contain from my original creation, to increase my own functionality, as well as to hopefully offer some eventually with one I would wish to... face eternity with. I split what I had with Verbess and Schatzi. Now that I can think clearly again, I understand exactly what the mistake was though.

When I am in spearform, my needs are low. It wasn't until my second Breath that I could maintain my baseline humanoid form for any length of time. I had obtained my third before crafting my Warlord form, and my fourth shortly before being sealed away. I did not realize that the draw of my Warlord form would be too much for two Breaths, though... if Elevar had asked I would have given them all without regret.”

I barrel forward with my words, trying to get it all out before I am stopped. "Once that was done, I asked about Sikkina, and mentioned that I knew she was implanted, but... I did not realize the danger she would be in, so Elevar went to rescue her. By that point I was... starting to lose coherence. Myself and Schatzi were resting, when y'all called us over. I uhm. I have a bad history with Denizens. The originals that went into Forging me, all had families that were killed by Denizens, or were displaced by them. So my instinctive reaction was to try and protect you all by sealing it away from any source of Nomos, the sun energy that empowers them. This was unnecessary, unhelpful, and in Adaline's and my own case actively harmful, as I burned a ton of Ousia to do so which greatly increased my need, and rendered me delirious.

I pause and my voice goes a bit quiet. “And Elevar returned... different. She brought me enough Breath to sustain yet with all the changes, as well as Sikkina safe, Verbess healthy, and Schatzi able to do unheard of, at least to me, things with the Breath, I made the assumption that I was in some sort of mind prison. I was wrong. Thankfully I did not hurt anyone but... Elevar is different now. She resonates differently. Echos to my Quills like Verbess and Schatzi do, and completely closed off to me in a way she hasn't been since we met.” I look up and give them all a sobering look. “So. Until further notice, when I can get a better understanding of what is going on, I will ask you all to use your own judgment or double check orders from Elevar with myself or Adaline, who is to be my second in command. Please do not treat her poorly, she is my Mate and my Mistress, I simply won't risk the safety of any of you if there is something wrong with her.”

Nettle and Primrose nod and murmur soft but quick, 'Yes Mistress.’

"Do any of you have questions for me before we move on to discussing the... Calix issue, and no I'm not talking about the mess.”

Nettle shakes her head, Primrose thinks for a few seconds before replying, "Not right now Mistress. Thank you for the story.”

"You're telling us that basically every issue that's occurred in the last day could have been avoided by simply... talking before acting?" Adaline jabs.

Calix puts a grimy hand on Adaline's shoulder. "We should give Mistress a bit of leeway. From what she's saying she spent longer than any of us have existed imprisoned and has never been in a position of authority like this.”

Adaline lets Calix's hand rest there without protest as I proceed.

I nod. "You are both correct. I need to do better and make it up to all of you. part of that is going to involve relying on Adaline more for advice and guidance as the only one here to my knowledge that has knowledge about Dolls from an external perspective. Also, I am not above blatant bribery. so... How can I make it up to you all?”

A pause, then Primrose's eyes light up a bit. "Um... um um um! More paints! I... This one’s already run out of so many important colors and... and it’s almost finished and... um..." She then goes abruptly silent. Eventually murmuring, "Pl-please. Mistress. If it's not too much trouble.”

Nettle smirks and leans into her Pinnate. "This one just... always wants you to come home safe. Don't leave us like the last Mistress did. And... and let me stay with Primrose please.”

Calix gives a shrewd look. "Can... this one ask for help with the food project?”

Nettle's eyes light up more at Calix's request. "Actually, that too. Yes please. If... if it's not too much trouble?”

My heart lightens with their requests, "Of course, once I can find a safe way to do so, I will take any of you who wish to commune with Dämmerung, then you can develop and implement your own digestive systems.”

"Okay, this breath thing seems interesting but..." Adaline chuckles darkly and i find myself slightly concerned as she continues, "This one wants to go for walks with you, when you're in your big weird grakler form.”

My jaw drops for a moment, before I agree, "Alright yeah. We can do that. Are there any Dolls that are particularly good at leatherwork? And where can we get the paint for Primrose?”

Adaline looks over to Nettle, "I think you'd probably know best for those?”

She nods. "Schatzi's the best with leather and other odd fabrics. As for paints... we need a resupply. Either from a Grove or... or honestly, if you know what to gather, the jungles probably have the raw materials to make our own. It's what the old Mistress did.”

"I'd prefer to gather if viable. There have been implications that I will likely not be safe at other Groves, and that at the least, Adaline, Verbess, and Schatzi are... illegal in some manner.”

"It takes more preparation... but the travel time alone to the nearest Grove makes it more reasonable." She agrees, then pauses. Looks to Adaline, then back to me. "But... um... None of the Dolls are allowed to leave the Estate save Schatzi and Verbess with Witch Elevar.”

"Likewise.” I nod. “We will have to ask permission of course. But that doesn't mean it's not possible.”

"Thank you Mistress.” Nettle smiles back.

“This one never got to make her OWN paints.” Primrose whispers while bouncing in slowly growing excitement. "It... It doesn't know how but... there were books on it in the Storage Spire!”

Nettle smiles and looks back to me, "May we go look for them? Or... did you want us here for more talking things?”

"We still need to talk about Calix, though that doesn't necessarily need you two if you wish to zip away to look for those books.”

"Pleasepleaseyesohmygosh." Primrose gushes while pulling Nettle to standing, gets a few steps away, then tumbles back to give me a quick hug and whisper of, "Thank you so much best Mistress ever!" Then races back to tug Nettle away.

"Alright, so Calix. First question. What's the deal with the dress?" I gesture over to the floor length ball gown he's wearing.

"Adaline gave it and three others to this one. It's cute right?" This beautiful man responds, standing and twirling

"And you're wearing it willingly?”

"Yep!”

I nod. "Good enough for me. Moving on, you have been talking into my mind literally the entire time we have been bonded that you have been in range. It is... a lot. And some of the stuff is... concerning.”

"THIS ONE HAS!?! OH THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING, THAT MEANS YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CHEESE NUT AND FRUIT SMOOTHIES!!!”

"Calix. I... don't... It's fine. please try and quiet your end if you can?” cheese, nut, and fruit smoothies? Oh. That explains the smell. I quietly Blasenplage the boy to remove evidence of his culinary travesty.

"Oh! Thank you. Uhm." He concentrates fiercely and I finally have blessed quiet in my mind from him.

"Perfect. Next, The Estate is talking to you, Calix?”

"Sometimes, but mostly it's like this one is just overhearing the whispers to itself?" He explains.

"You said that Mistress Elevar was Cultivated... and that the new Harvest was shared with connected Groves. Do you have any Ideas what that could mean?" I interrogate him about the whispers.

"Uhm. Not really? But this one suspects that it may mean that we get... visitors sooner than desired.”

"Fuck. Adaline, with me, let's get some planning done. Calix, feel free to do whatever suits your fancy. You've been a great help.”