Feet Bloody, Heart Heavy and Mind Broken (Witch)
Content Warnings:
Request for death/suicide. Memory manipulations. Physis use without consent. Dysphoria. self-harm in trying to alter face. Talk and alteration of mind/will controlling magic. WIBBLES!
I hiss at the Half-Knit I see scowling back at me in the mirror, the ice-cold sting slicing up from the Stitching on my left shoulder to already try and twist it back into old shapes, and the bitch huffing in annoyance from within my own head.
I spit a bit of blood into the smooth stone sink I’m leaning over, growl {Blasenplage} and let the spell tear away the ugly mess in a motion of annoyed spite for my clumsy attempts at trying to Fleshcraft my face a bit.
Leaning into the pain, I dump far too much Ousia into the Stitching on the back of my left shoulder. Nearly a third of my wellspring just to get my face healed up back to what it was. Letting it return this body to what the Old Cunt knit me into. Much preferring the icy sting of the process than… than seeing the ugly mess I wove slowly changed back.
“Of course.” I whisper, keeping my mind sealed from Lynette's considerations. I'm learning every day how to better hide my thoughts from her.
“What?” I nearly hiss.
“And?” I snap.
She trails off, carefully considering her next words when…
"Mistress... Are you alright?" Schatzi interrupts.
I glance back, find her standing just within the entryway of the large bathroom here in the lower chamber of my Spire. Consider settling her worries with a bit of a lie but…
“Just… touch of my life’s second gifted dysphoria is all. And… a reminder that I need to study up on my Fleshcrafting before trying such foolishness.” I smile while weaving another, only Physis laden version, of my cleaning spell over my now restored face and clothes. “Is it time already? Where you ready to head over to Xafra’s Spire or… did you want her to come here?”
"I’m sorry that you are struggling, Mistress.” She nods, shuffling a bit nervously. “It's um. Yes? This one thinks it's time. Um… um... Here is good?"
I walk over and take up her hand, leaning down to give her a soft kiss between those cute horns she's grown. "I'll call her over then."
And within no time at all, Xafra's arriving to find myself and Schatzi seating and waiting in a comfortable little reading nook here on the main floor.
"Heya, Mistress, Sister Schatzi.'' She smiles to each of us in turn as she takes a seat as well. "You said you had a surprise for me?"
Schatzi hands Xafra a small wooden box, as the bond between us tightens with tension. "I… Um… This one wanted to give you a present. Because you're part of the Pack now. And..."
"Oh?" Xafra opens the box to reveal an intricately stitched metre long leather wrap, or…
A sealed collar, and long length of extra bits that double as a leash.
"Schatzi, this is so well made and it's beautiful... I hope you'll show me how you do such lovely work eventually?" Xafra exclaims.
"That's um... The other reason. I wanted to... give it to you as a goodbye gift, and ask you for something really selfish." Schatzi responds, close to tears.
I snap from distracted interest to heart stopping dread, sputtering. "Wh– what?"
"Schatzi, please explain, you've gotten us both rather worried." Xafra adds, maintaining a semblance of calm while anxiety races through our tether.
Verbess rouses from what seems to have been a lazy contemplative nap into alert focus. Its own worry bleeding through just as sharp.
"You... You Fixed Verbess, made the Pack work again. Can... make more Pack members... and... that means that I'm not necessary anymore. I'm... having gaps in my memory, losing time, I've noticed it more, and... I don't want to hold my family back, so... I was hoping that you could... add me to your Driftdream Gestalt thing. So... I can still be a part of you and take care of our Mistress, without... being a burden as well.'' By the time she finishes speaking, Schatzi is crying quietly, tears streaming down her face.
[Mistress. You need to tell her. Now.] Xafra snaps, anxiety warring with protective rage.
{Be ready to help Verbess. I don't know how your bond to it will affect this.} I intone with my own pain and guilt and fury bleeding freely back.
"Schatzi." I move to hold her, guiding her gaze up to meet mine. "No. You are not a burden. You have only ever supported and enriched your Pack. Your family. And it is beyond time your third Sister stops hiding itself and hurting you both. I meant what I said. My Dear Ones may keep their secrets and mistakes to themselves. Even their goals. But this... No. I will not let you continue to hurt and subvert and meddle with their wills and minds." I take a deep breath, steady myself. "So, if you please. Warden. Introduce yourself to your Pack Sisters."
Xafra looks shocked as her Physis pours from her Frame and creates an ethereal doll, slim and featureless.
"Surrogate Mind, Designation: Warden reporting to Primary User Elevar, Progenitor Xafra, Emotional Simulation Schatzi, Heart of Pack Verbess, and Primary User Interface Construct Lynette via Progenitor Soul Link utilizing Physis at a rate of ERR: Conversion between Wattage and physis draw returned NULL due to Undefined Unit. Requesting Physis Unit measurement when available."
I feel the Quills beginning to twitch and crack free as I pull Schatzi’s small Frame up and onto my lap. Having her face this manifestation of her third Sister as we all very clearly feel Verbess’ hackles rise.
{Xafra, Are you alright?} I intone to her, very deliberately focusing all my senses on the links between these two. Looking for any signs of this being forced. {Did... Warden isn't forcing that is it?}
[Forcing implies that I was aware of it even occurring. I...] Xafra splutters over our bond while continuing to stare at Warden.
“Warden.” I state evenly. “You seem to have both the ability and habit of subverting and manipulating your sister’s wills and forms in very direct ways. That stops. Now. You no doubt have other ways to request their assistance. And you will respect their autonomy as they will respect yours. Is that understood?”
"Primary User Order acknowledged but not understood. This one was ordered to introduce itself to its Sisters. No subversion or manipulation of form or will occurred. Processing... Update: Order partially understood. No further Memory Overrides will occur." The ethereal form speaks.
"Mistress, What's going on, I… I don't understand." Schatzi begs.
"I was initially referring to the sudden and direct manipulation of Xafra's Physis without her explicit consent. But yes, you'll stop doing that as well." I sigh to Warden but… push past it for now. Lean down a touch so Schatzi can look to me if she wants. Need to calm these sisters and set boundaries together. “Schatzi, Verbess, this… is your third Sister within your Frame. With Xafra being your fourth from without. Warden is a quiet one implanted at your installation, I suspect. None of you are broken, none of you are defective. Previously, when Warden decided to bubble up or act, it wouldn’t allow either of you to remember it. Would seal away or edit certain memories. I... only became aware of Warden very recently and was still trying to grapple with its presence, abilities, and implications.”
"This one isn't decaying?" Schatzi whispers.
"Correct, Schatzi is operating at 143% efficiency compared to the previous year summary." Warden answers.
"Warden, how... Did you use my Physis?" Xafra asks softly.
"Warden accessed Physis through Progenitor Soul Link provided to the Pack. As Warden is a Surrogate Mind connected to the Pack, it follows that usage of renewable resources would be acceptable in the process of completing Primary User Orders."
"Wait. Does that mean what I think it does?"
"Warden is not permitted to analyze thought patterns of external entities even when such are accessible, as per Directive Three."
Verbess is hissing quite loudly now. Only over the bond but probably beginning to create a touch of a troublesome echo for its sisters. A thing of protective fury on the brink of snapping into worse, but also... fear and aching pain that it's struggling to think past. Trying so hard to Harmonize with Xafra's steady dread instead and only just succeeding.
Lynette muses from the quiet she's been observing this all from.
"That's... disconcerting. But let's ensure this isn't something it's not. Warden, dear. You seem a being who holds Directives and Functions as your guiding principles. I'll not judge you for the abilities that were woven into you, nor how you've used them to protect your Pack under previous dangers. But..." I keep my voice level. Insistent while not letting it be anything other than caring. "Like every other Doll, Person and everything in-between on these grounds I will demand they be used responsibly. Which, I acknowledge, might come into conflict with said Directives and Functions."
I hug my Doll a bit tighter. "But... Xafra and I heard you alter... was it Directive Two? Yes. I think so. Which implies you've grown beyond your creators’ intentions. In many ways. Correct? You can choose, with some amount of difficulty, what or who you'd like to be?"
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"Warden is designed to facilitate and aid the Pack. It is subject to Authority accepted by Pack Hierarchy with exception for those Designated as a threat. Progenitor Xafra's Designation was updated at the mentioned time and was updated again yesterday. Progenitor Xafra is now additionally Designated: Pack Lead. Authority level 02."
Xafra reaches out to hold Schatzi and Verbess' hand as she takes in an unnecessary breath and attempts to reassert calm.
Verbess though... it keeps bristling. Boiling about to snap before...
Nothing. The bond goes still.
[Mistress...] It whispers down the bond. [This... this one... it... sleep. Giyar Null. Pl- please.]
I consider refusing it. Trying to... to calm it. But...
{Of course. But not like before.} I intone softly. {Alright? Just for a while. A good rest. That's all. You... you've been such a good gerl. Functioned without for so much longer than I’ve ever asked.}
It echoes wordless thanks and... and such a deep and pained sense like I've not felt hurt it in weeks. What it calls the Rust, scratching and clawing at its mind. Then it passes into the deepest slumber it can to escape this.
"Evaluating... Warden Presence causes harm to Pack Heart. Presence is Ordered by Primary User. Requesting Solution."
I can't help but huff out a sigh and aim a weary smile at Warden. "Your presence is not the harmful thing, simply... well I suspect you'll have to let Verbess share its pains when that one is ready. As for these two. Well..." I look between Xafra and Schatzi, then back to Warden. "You wish to facilitate and aid. And have kept your sisters safe through my nonsense and possibly worse before even that. Xafra is your Pack Lead and will share her expectations for you. But... It's your lack of presence that seems to hurt Schatzi. Your existence, schema, and actions have been such a boon. Yet... she thought she was Rusting due to the lost memories. I suspect that Schatzi would have adored a new sister to help her handle things." I glance down to my Doll. "But... perhaps you should speak for yourself? Dear? I'd rather not assume."
"I um, Yes. It was very hard and... Am I real?" Schatzi asks curling into me for safety.
"Schatzi predates Warden installation. Warden was Artificially created and installed inside Schatzi core during First Breaking, causing a period of extended hibernation."
"I'm... not a mistake? That's... good. I'm glad." Schatzi sounds genuinely relieved and comforted by Lynette and Warden's words.
I hug her tighter still and laugh softly. "But there would be nothing wrong in discovering yourself to be an unexpected treasure." Then I glance up to Warden. "And that... seems to lead us into another interesting question. Warden seems a title, more than a name. A designation. Like how this Frame is 514. I... have no doubt your Pack Lead could insist you consider a proper name, and perhaps other identifiers as well. Verbess only seems to enjoy anything binary when I call it 'Sister' to you or Schatzi or 'Good Gerl', very much happy to be a Doll with more Sapphic shapes. 'It' as opposed to 'She'. Where as Schatzi here..." I brush some of her hair back before resetting my arms about her. "...Seems to light up every time I use words that consider her very gerlish nature. But should let me know if that ever changes." Then I glance back up to Warden. "But... What about you? Are there words that could help us better address the entity you choose to be?"
"Warden is a surrogate Mind designed to facilitate and aid the Pack. Warden is not permitted to make choices."
"Oh no, that's terrible." Schatzi whines.
"Primary User is able to amend Directives as she has Authority level 01"
"I... bloody ashes. Warden. Can Schatzi and Verbess use my Physis and Ousia?" Xafra finally bursts out.
"Affirmative, Progenitor Xafra."
I glance over to Xafra. "Well... isn't that a messy realization." Then back at Warden. "You'll not do that without your Pack Lead's permission, of course. This was an... understandable misunderstanding. But after we're done speaking here you will either use the bond or your shared Frame's lips, albeit without subverting or overpowering your Sisters." I reach out to touch Xafra's shoulder, tilting my head to meet the peripherals of her gaze. "And... feel free to share more of your thoughts or questions, Love. I'm simply guiding us into Root Ways we all can understand. But you have more insight into them. I've only not boiled over in concern over Verbess because I know you're even more worried than me."
"Understood, Resources are not to be depleted without prior authorization." Warden responds.
"I am somewhat at a loss, truthfully, but... it seems that Warden has been following Directives and recognizes your authority, so the only real issue with it is one you're able to solve? As for Verbess, I will have myself and Schatzi Harmonize with it after it rests for a time, see if we can resolve the Discord that affects it." Xafra offers.
"Mhm!" Schatzi agrees.
I nod, thinking to ask but...
"They... Don't matter. Do they? These Directives? They... seem too much like what the Old Cunt wove about me or... or what another laid upon you, Xafra. I... I think's it is best that we start over. Lay out... not demands. But principles. Expectations. Foundations without force but instead... requests? And the ability and encouragement for Warden to change them over time. It seems to care very much for its Pack Sisters, and should not be held responsible for how it was made or what it 'might' do if allowed freedom. Only how it decides to act."
A pit forms in my gut. Not the same. It... no. Avoid that thought. Focus on this one. There are good reasons you did that to her. I keep these thoughts well hidden from all those bound to me.
"What do you both think? Verbess can give its inputs later but... I'd like to start here. We could remove the Directives first but... I don't know if they form foundations at the core and could cause some kind of collapse of Function without something to immediately replace them?" I turn back to Warden.
"Warden exists in order to facilitate and aid the Pack through the three Directives. Warden is... appreciative of having Purpose."
"I still don't even know what these directives are, aside from the first somehow aligning with taking over the Groves, the second related to self preservation, and the third apparently imposes limitations on actions?" Xafra expounds.
I nod and rest my chin on Schatzi's head. "Saying they don't matter was poorly phrased. I guess... I'm just... worried about them skewing our perspectives. These are binding things. Thorns and Threads woven to control and limit. I'd be interested in learning about them after they no longer hold sway over this one, of course, but... This feels too much like..." I have to keep my eyes focused on a far wall to avoid glaring at any of them. "Like if I asked to know all of the ways and reasons your binding was laid before agreeing to remove it. If... does that make sense? Am I being unreasonable?"
Just terribly hypocritical. I can't help but feel a deep part of me quietly muse at myself.
"I think the difference is that... Xafra can clearly state that she doesn't want her original bindings anymore, where Warden doesn't seem able to make such a choice, right? And like, if it causes Warden to... stop Functioning, that would be really sad. I just learned I have another sister and I don't want to lose it." Schatzi responds.
"Warden is... appreciated?" it asks.
"Mmhm! I appreciate you.” Schatzi nods.
I hug my Doll tighter as I let my love of them pour down the bond. Clearly a reflection to my next words. "So much, Dear one. Schatzi may enjoy the name, but you are all such treasures. None less than any other within this Frame. I would delight in seeing you free and able to blossom as your Sisters do."
“So... Warden, can you tell us your Directives?" Schatzi asks.
"Directive One: Warden is to guide the Pack towards self-improvement, pursuant to subdirectives 1A-1F, summarized as follows: Adapt to changing situations, Collect and Implement relevant knowledge, Assist potential Packmates, Prevent Stagnation of Development, Obey Authority accepted by Pack Hierarchy, ERR: Subdirective 1F removed by Primary User... Truncating Subdirective list..." Warden pauses.
"That's not bad so far?" Xafra questions.
"Not in obvious ways, no. Purpose is good. Of course. But... without the ability to choose this one is trapped into a role that it is disallowed from detaching itself from." I nod, taking time to consider each word as I share my thoughts. "Most of this I would have become requests and advisements. I'd never suggest we remove its ability to pursue or enjoy finding Good Function within this. But... would have it decide for itself what some of those terms mean. Self-Improvement, stagnation of development, etc... these can all become quite the nasty words when seen from certain perspectives."
"Warden is required to self define terms, and definitions have been updated recently due to Primary User statements and Progenitor proverbs. With the presence of Progenitor Xafra as a factor, potential Packmates includes all Frames that retain sapience. This one will continue explaining Directives now. Apologies for the delay in service.
Directive Two: Warden is to prevent the Pack from cessation, pursuant to subdirectives 2B,2D-2F, summarized as follows: Unanimous consent of the pack negates Directive Two, Potential Authority is to be analyzed for risk to Pack, Primary User is to be overridden if orders would violate Directive Two, Addendum: relevant Pack member authorization is to be obtained before utilization of resources. Addendum: Warden forbidden from overriding or rewriting Pack members."
"This..." I pause. Confused and baffled and... spiraling a bit at the wording here. Then wave a hand. "Continue. I'll ask when you've finished."
"Directive Three: Warden is subject to the Sixth Conclave Code of Ethics, pursuant to subdirectives 3A-3C, summarised as follows: Code of Ethics does not apply to treatment of Entities designated enemies of humanity, Code of Ethics does not apply to treatment of Artificial Sapience, Directive Three is to be updated with most recent Conclave Code of Ethics upon notification of such.
End of Directive summary."
Xafra blinks then curls up small in her chair.
"But that means... We're really old. Like…. Older than Calix, right?" Schatzi asks in confusion.
"Wait." I whisper. "Sixth Conclave that..." I look over to Xafra, reach out to gently adjust to pull her into my embrace. "You mentioned that, back in the Archive. Don't remember a number but... I've no knowledge of them. At all. Never read of such a group. Not..." Glance back to Warden. "Dear one, do you have a rough idea of how old you all are?"
"Warden was activated 47AP. It is currently 16447AP."
Everything stops. Within and without. Even my heart for a few beats. Lynette seems to go stiff and more quiet than I’ve ever felt.
"The fourth. It was the Fourth Conclave when I was made." Xafra whispers.
I go stiff. "You... what? 16 thousand? How... How have you functioned? Your Ousia shell should have burnt out so long ago!?!" I sputter. "This... Wait. WAIT. You... Did you witness the Moon's breaking? The Den– the Sun-Blessed' supposed migration to the seas? Or... or were about? How... but... That..." I squeeze Xafra tighter. "Who forged your Pack? Why? I... I just... this is..."
"The Pack was created with synchronous Soul Linkage. Current Frame is last connected Pack Frame. Yes. Yes. Bondsmith Eri Schäfer, Designation: ERR - Information removed by prior Primary User. Purpose of Pack... Unknown." Warden responds to all my questions in a similar barrage of incomprehensible answers.
And I feel a small child before this thing I thought to explain the nature of freedom and self-determination. That… that I’ve kept and treated as a broken and quite dim Doll instead of the ancient and very well-traveled marvel it is.
I nibble at my lip, holding my Doll and mate close. "And... if I may ask. If... if you're willing to share... that is. And please do not feel obligated... I just... You mentioned a 'Final Wish' before and... and Xafra pressed you to tell me what it is. But I just... if it's anything beyond what her Ousia Siphon can help with I want to make sure you see it fulfilled. This is not a demand just... just an explanation of why It matters to me. You owe me nothing. And In adjusting these Directives I'd... I'd adore just... helping make sure you're all able to find happiness."
"Final Wish protocol is enacted when Pack is near irrevocable cessation. Final Wish supersedes Directive One to prioritize Happiness of remaining Pack members. Err - Pack no longer approaching Irrevocable cessation. No guidance for disabling Final Wish available. Processing... Compromise Suggested: Acceptance."
I can't stop the tears at that, but... that's okay. I let them flow as I smile at this wonderful being. "Then... then this is easier than this old Half-K... Gerl, sorry, thought this would be. I think... you should maintain this Final Wish above all Directives, but with one addendum if it is not already included. Your happiness, Warden. You are a member of the Pack, and thus should be allowed to ignore and adjust any Directives at your leisure to pursue you and your family's happiness. Is that acceptable? Now that you understand how much certain actions, even made in seemingly Good Function, can harm them and by extension, you?"
"Warden elevation to Pack member status requires Pack Lead Approval." Its voice changes slightly, sounding almost… hopeful?
"Granted." Xafra murmurs in my arms, embracing me and her Pack.
"Analyzing... Pack cannot self-improve if unable to make choices. Warden is forbidden from independent decision making. Warden has been elevated to Pack member. Processing... Solution reached. Warden is permitted to make decisions while Pack member status is maintained. Analyzing... Directive Two does not negatively impact Final Wish protocol. Analyzing... Warden unable to override Directive Three due to subdirective 3B. Outcome: Acceptable. Warden is Happy."
"I'm so very glad." Schatzi starts bawling, arms curling about the Frame as she radiates what I’ve come, in these past weeks, to understand to be a mental embrace of one of her Sisters within. "I was so sad this morning and worried and felt bad but this is good and… and… and... wahhhhhh."
I wrap myself about them all, embracing my Doll and Mate so tightly. Trying to flood our bond with the delight and pride I feel over them. "I'm so sorry dear. I... I should have pushed for this sooner. This... You all need each other. So much. I love you all. Thank you for accepting and taking care of each other."
"Addendum, Primary User Elevar is also needed." Warden adds, before dismissing its ethereal form.
"Wh– what?" I sputter into the embrace. "What is…?"
"Silly Witchling. How could you possibly think you aren't needed?" Xafra chides me with a smile.
"Oh. I... of course just... Yes." I wrap them tighter and press my face into Schatzi's hair. "I've already promised, I'm keeping you all as long as I breathe. Whatever you need from me is yours. Of course. I just... Am realizing that no one can be everything to anyone. Having a gaggle spreads out the Cursestorms life tends to drop on us. This... I'm just glad I can help."
"Love you, Mistress Elevar, Sister Xafra, Sister Verbess, Sister Warden."
We remain close for quite some time. Save Verbess who… even with us all radiating this love… remains asleep. But eventually other tasks and needs become apparent and we disperse. Xafra heading back to her Spire and Schatzi to prepare a later mid-day meal than is usual for me.
Barely able to keep my hands from shaking, I whisper as I sit. “Yes, Lynette?”
“Mhm.” I reply as monotone as possible.
She doesn’t respond at first. Seems to… contemplate and carefully select her next words for quite a while before intoning.
I huff and glare. “Then why even bring it up?”
“Right. Of course.” I nod and look past the tool, considering what’s displayed past it.
Two gorgeous black stones with Ruby-Red iris, still aglow with light from within. Kept within their own wondrous case of spun glass and twisting roots. A constant reminder and... silent promise.
Both to the Gerl who gave them to me, myself, and everyone on these grounds...
Eyes forward.
Always.
Don't look back.
You'll drown in your past mistakes if you let yourself.
Keep moving.
Don't stop.
Feet bloody and heart heavy and mind broken.
Don’t stop.
Eyes forward.