It has been over a week since we took the castle, and there’s not a single Icenian in sight. Not a company, not a platoon, not a scout here or there, not even any farmers or peasants that could be spies. We've been left completely on our own here, which has me starting to think I may have overreacted. It's not as if the Magyars were able to get any message out to the Icenians or anything, very few of them survived the storming of the castle and fewer still survived the sacrifices to Steel afterwards. I must confess, I almost feel cheated by the lack of anything trying to kill me this past week.

For one thing, the lack of threat has caused the men to become indolent. After some desperate defensive preparations in the days following our capture of the place, a lack of anything trying to take our new headquarters has made the troops rather lax, unconcerned with the possibility of imminent danger. It's been harder and harder to get them to drill, as if I had violated their trust by not having them shot to pieces by Icenians... Maybe this is ‘Anastasia's’ master plan working as intended.

That or the lack of trust might have something to do with our newest acquisition to the army, Katarina’s battalion of the 'Moniks Family Band'. Priests and priestesses of Leather to the last, and more importantly they’re cannibals. Rather holistic cannibals too, they make sure to use the 'hide' to make leather items for practical uses, much to the troops' horror and the priests' and priestesses' pride. Horrifyingly, they produce items of quite high quality from their pious leatherworking, they’ve even made a fair few pairs of boots to help replace the rather dismal footwear my soldiers had been issued, and to my shame some of the men even took them up on the offer. According to the ones who’ve tried them they're quite comfortable, not that I’d asked and not that I’d ever consider following their example. I don’t care how much troll blood these boots waded through, I am not going to replace them with the offerings of Leather’s priests…

In contrast to their pride in their industrious materiel production, I am left with the impression they don’t enjoy the cannibalism that much, their younger priests quite eager to occasionally sneak a little bit of human food from our stores to spice up the... 'Human food' that they are apparently divinely obligated to eat. They at least spared the bodies of all those sacrificed to Steel, burying them with dignity, with fruit seeds as a sign of honor. It'd take a while but we’d someday have an apple orchard here if we stayed here.

Their lack of enthusiasm for their religious obligations was however made up for by the sheer enthusiasm their leader has for... Well, everything! Katarina von Moniks, apparently the fourth child of an Alemannian noble house, never stops smiling! She smiles when receiving her meals, smiles when drilling her troops, smiles when greeting me in a language I don't understand. ... And she smiles whenever she's with Xena, which is just about always. Not that I can blame her, Xena actually speaks Katarina's language after all. Which I am quite thankful for, she makes for a good liaison between us and our new German friends.

She smiled especially hard when she was paid, of course. It took some... Convincing to get Malmo to pay her what she was owed, but when I eventually gave up logic and showed him the meat commissary his objections suddenly evaporated into nothing, and the girl was paid in full. It’s a relief to know she won't be biting my neck, or at least to be as sure as I possibly can that she won't.

Having downtime like this has one unexpected side benefit, it allows me to take care of Pasche as she recovers from her heroics. The priestesses of Cotton originally tried to confine her to her sickbed, but after the fourth time she snuck out they finally just gave her free range of the castle on the condition she return to have her wounds redressed each day. She’s using her allotted freedom of movement to spend more or less all of her time with me, which I can't say is unwelcome, even if things have been a little awkward since that kiss. She's even taken to sharing my bed, although not in the same fashion as Lazierte had...

I have become shameless; I’ve made new friends when I already have a best friend who is somewhere in Samnia all alone! Or possibly not! ... I should take the time to write to her.

"To Lazierte." ... Too formal, too cold.

"To my most dear and darling Lazierte." She'd mock me for days, and it implies I have more than one Lazierte, which I absolutely do not.

"... I miss you, Lazierte." Now that’s just too honest to be an option. ... Letter writing is hard.

"So, who is Lazierte anyway?" My thinking out loud has roused Pasche, who had been sleeping with her head on my lap on a 'liberated' couch in my personal quarters. "A friend from the Academy?"

"My best friend, yes." I smile at the memory, wondering if Lazierte and Pasche would get along. "We ended up on two different fronts when the High King sent us to war. I promised I'd write."

"I imagine she'll be happy to hear anything from you then, you needn't worry so much about the words... Unless you're worried she'll be too happy to hear what you have to say."

"Too happy? I can't imagine there is an amount of Lazierte happiness that would displease me."

"Oh oh? ... What kind of relationship did you and her have anyway?"

"Well..." I try to think of how to describe our friendship that did not in any way involve our special kind of bed-sharing, something I have come to suspect might be a unique feature of our friendship and not typical of two bent girls in bed together. "We were... We were rather inseparable. We'd sacrifice to Steel together, study together..."

I feel someone tap my shoulder from the side, and as I turn in surprise I am flicked on the forehead by a familiar face. "No, bad. Hiding things is boring."

"X... Xena?!" I can't jump as I am presently being a pillow for Pasche, but I feel my teeth trying to escape my mouth in shock. "How did you get in here?!"

"The door? I knew Pasche would be here, so I came here."

"You... You need Pasche for something- Oww!"

"No, bad. Changing the subject is boring."

"How did you know I was hiding something anyway?"

"Because I'm looking at you."

Pasche raises her head slightly from its spot on my lap, nervously smiling up at me. "It was intensely obvious, Serena. I don't think you could tell a lie to save your life."

"I wasn't lying-"

"Lying by omission counts, General."

I sigh, desperately hoping that Pasche would continue to be as open-minded as she has typically been, knowing that Xena will hardly be an issue. "She and I would hold hands and touch ourselves looking at a portrait of Her Majesty, are you two happy now?"

Xena pats my head, which adds to this utter mortification. "Good. Telling the truth is good."

"Even if a lie would save my life?"

"Who would want a life that could be destroyed by the truth?"

Xena, in the scant few moments when she isn’t being incredibly odd, has a bizarre way of sounding profound when she wants to. I hate it, it makes the little affectionate gestures all the more impactful seeing as they come from a philosopher rather than a weirdo.

Pasche, meanwhile, lets her head fall back into my lap, cheeks pink and face clearly hot. "... I see! So, you're-"

"Friends. Best friends. Just, best friends who promised we were both going to marry The Queen one day. We practiced flirting for it. I'm terrible."

"Practiced?"

"Practiced!"

If Pasche continues on this path, she is going to lose her lap privileges! Stupid second-best friend, trying to make out like Lazierte and I's bed-sharing and practice flirting were anything but innocent!

"You ever practice kissing with her too?" Pasche is making some slightly infuriating faux-kissing noises, she’s really looking to push my buttons today.

"No, the first time I kissed someone was you, over a week ago."

That makes her shut up... Which in turn makes me shut up, even as I’m certain I’ve discovered a way in which our kiss was completely normal. After all, surely it must be normal to kiss a friend who saved your life, it has to be because I did it without thought, and my body simply wouldn't blaspheme against Her Majesty of its own accord! However, despite how obviously normal this entire kissing Pasche thing was, it still managed to be somewhat awkward between the two of us. Not least of which because we are still painfully aware that Xena was still in the room, watching our little drama unfold. She’s clearly amused, even if her face won’t admit it.

Pasche clears her throat, suddenly turning her attention Xena-wards. "So, you uhh... You needed me for something?"

Xena nods, and now she is all business again. "I believe you have a problem. If you would come with me we can-"

"I... Are you trying to start a fight, Xena?"

"No. I would lose."

"Then why are you saying we have a problem?"

"If you would follow me away from Serena then we might discuss the problem I believe you may have without it being overheard by certain people you may prefer not to know about it."

"Serena just admitted to her weird, bent masturbatory adventures in her fancy academy, I think she's entitled to one of my secrets. And I think I'm entitled to hear your problem with me in comfort."

"... Very well, Pasche. Having observed you closely over the time we have spent together I have come to two conclusions. One, you are a woman."

Pasche's face goes sheet white as she suddenly realizes what this conversation is. I lay a hand on her arm, gently stroking it, letting her take full advantage of the comfort a Serena can provide.

"And second is that your body is being remarkably uncooperative with your identity, which causes you no small amount of distress at times. Distress enough that you often skip meals to prevent body development in a direction which might make it drift further from yourself."

Pasche reaches out and grabs my leg gently, mercifully without her gloves, giving it a little squeeze for comfort. "... How did you-"

"As I said, I have observed you closely."

"It's not even been two weeks!"

"You fascinate me, I have spent a lot of my attention on you."

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

"... So, you have a problem with that then, have a problem with who I am?"

"I have a problem with your body being disobedient. Thankfully, I have developed a chemical solution to this-"

"YOU'RE GOING TO MELT ME?!"

"No... I have developed a concoction which should have your body develop in a way that conforms with the reality of you being a woman. That way you needn't skip meals, and you needn't distress."

"... I beg your pardon?" Pasche's suspicion is at once batted away and intensified, fear of ostracization replaced by fear of reality itself. "... That's... That's possible?!"

"I put a lot of time into it, and while the orally administered variant is taking time to develop, I currently have an injectable-"

"Time?! You spend all your waking hours with Katarina, how do you have time to do something like this for me?!"

"You misunderstand, I spend all of Katarina's waking hours with Katarina. She takes naps, I do not, and while I often enjoy observing her in her sleep, I do also appreciate the downtime for the purpose of science."

"I... I just-"

"I had assumed you would be happy... Have I upset you, Pasche?"

"No! ... Well, kinda, I mean..." Pasche is struggling to find the words, and I attempt to hold her as closely as I can without taking her off my lap. "This... This is transformative for me. This literally changes the way I am capable of seeing the world in which I live. I... I thought I made peace with this pain and this wound but... But now there's a way to treat the way my body is, to make it what I've always wanted to be. The world is kind enough to make this possible and... And it hurts to know that I spent twenty-four years convincing myself it was impossible."

Xena's eye twitches just a little, just for a second, and part of me wonders if she is actively trying to look as bored and calm as she normally is and failing. "In fairness, I never would have come up with this concoction had I not come into contact with you and noticed the necessity of it. In a sense, you built the world where this happened."

"... You probably could've invented miracle drugs to cure diseases, amazing machines that could revolutionize industry, weapons of war that could conquer the world! … And you decided to make something to make one girl's life better?"

"Industry doesn't fascinate me, nor does conquest. You do. Now, I have asked the Priestesses of Cotton to give me a private space in the medical tent to administer your treatment if you'll follow me-"

Pasche is crying.

Crying very confused tears of joy against my lap, which provokes another little twinge of emotion out of Xena. I am happy for Pasche, I truly am... But I also remember that she was recently shot, and I can’t forget just how disturbingly clean both Xena's manor and the meat commissary were when Xena was done with them. And now I have some pertinent questions about what’s about to be put in my second best friend's body.

"... So how did you make this concoction, Xena? What's it made of?"

"General-"

"Serena."

"Serena, I don't think you or Pasche wish to know the source ingredients of-"

"I need to know what you plan to put in Pasche's body. For her own safety, and for yours just in case something goes wrong."

This provokes a smile out of Xena, which she tries to crush, giving a casual little stretch. "Pregnant mare urine and plant extract. While I could've potentially used human beings instead of horses, I don't know many pregnant human beings. The mare urine was easier to source and honestly less awkward."

My eyes go wide, how did this nonsense occur to our resident genius?! "And... You want to inject that into Pasche?!"

"It's been sterilized, distilled, synthesized... This isn't just mixing two substances and jamming it inside someone, this has been properly treated to the point where you wouldn't even know what the source ingredients were unless I told you. Most chemicals start with substances that one might consider shocking or objectionable, but that doesn't invalidate all of chemistry."

I try to argue further, but Pasche atop my legs starts giggling, albeit nervously and still a little weepily. "Well... I have always liked horses... Oh gods, that makes it worse, doesn't it?"

"No horses were harmed in the making of this concoction, I assure you."

"That's a relief..."

Pasche gets herself to a sitting position and then from there she stands up, wiping the tears from her eyes. She offers Xena a hand, which Xena accepts as another twinge of emotion tries to escape her bored facade.

And if Pasche is willing to risk it... If it can truly make her happy, then I will not object. "... Very well, Xena... I'm sorry for being suspicious, I just care about Pasche a great deal and-"

Xena leans in and pats my head again. "Good. Be curious, question things. Even me."

Pasche at this point raises an eyebrow, clearly having regained enough of her composure to be curious. "You always pat or flick Serena like that. Are you trying to tame her or something?"

"I absolutely am. She's young, she requires guidance."

"What about me then, are you going to flick me if I do wrong?"

"I think you'll know if you've done something wrong, Pasche."

"... Do you pat Katarina like that then, when she does good?"

Xena twinges again, this time it seems she’s close to cracking. "Not quite like that, no."

Pasche gives one last look back at me, realizing that she's just said something she maybe shouldn't have, before allowing Xena to lead her to the medical tent for her treatment. I’m not quite sure what to make of Xena. She might be the scariest woman I've ever met. Scarier than even the seven-foot-tall, bear-wearing cannibal, and I've seen that woman use her halberd in training, so I know more than enough to be terrified of her. But while Katarina can kill a person as easily as she breathes, Xena seems able to destroy entire conceptions of how the world functions with but a week of time. And... She seems to do it for the right reasons, even if she’s weird about it. I rub my forehead, trying to think back on her lessons.

"Be honest, be curious, be ambitious, and put in effort."

They’re fair things to teach, it almost feels embarrassing that I have to be taught them by whatever the hell Xena is. A human? A divine monster of some description? ... A friend?

My musings are interrupted by someone actually knocking on my door before entering for once. "Come in."

Behind the door is a woman in uniform, and one who looks vaguely familiar. "Ah, Serena. Been a few weeks, hasn't it?"

It takes an embarrassing amount of time for my brain to work out that she was one of my comrade witches, even though I still don’t know her name I remember her voice well enough. "Ah! I didn't expect to see any of the other girls out here in Alemannia! What brings you out here?"

"A brand-new regiment under your care brings me here. The 101st, at your service." She bows a rather cheeky and ill-disciplined bow. "General Serena."

"... I half expected you to call me Pollineux."

"You're very loud, Serena. I don't think there's a girl in our barracks that doesn't know full well that you don't like being called 'Pollineux'. Figured I'd do you a kindness."

"I... Appreciate the gesture."

"And while I'm doing kindnesses, I have a gift for you! The regiment's a gift from the royal family, naturally. Those Convention freaks wouldn't be able to mobilize a child into a bath. But this? This is a gift from the girls back home at the academy."

This woman, whose name I absolutely should know, slips a hand past the door frame and produces... A portrait of The Queen. An honest to gods portrait of Her divine, radiant, utterly beautiful Majesty! And one quite different from the one in our dorms, this one is a full body portrait, which still conveys her smile but gives a much better look at her figure! And the dress she wearing is more humble, but a little less modest for it, which is a trade my Velvet mind is absolutely willing to take! She’s perfect, Her Majesty is perfect! ... Everyone already knows about my devotion to Her Majesty?

"Alright, stop drooling, you damn sapphic." The officer smiles, placing the portrait delicately in my new office. "I'll get my troops fed and situated. You... Well, I'm sure you and Her Grace have some catching up to do. Try not to be too loud now."

Before I can even begin to form a retort my newest officer is cackling on her way down the hall, apparently finding my proclivities hilarious... Well, the joke's on her because... Because I have not stopped staring at that painting since she left. I haven't even blinked. But somewhere in my head I am aware that my hands are already moving places that they remember from the ‘way back when’ of almost a month ago. Maybe someone can deliver me Lazierte too, and things really will be just like they were at the academy.

At least, they would be, if Malmo didn't exist. I wish that man didn’t continue the trend of people not knocking, opening the door with a self-satisfied smile on his face. One which quickly disappears as he notices my... Rather compromised position, and my rather hateful eyes.

"... Serena, I believe we need to discuss our next move against the Coalition." He’s trying to put on his best Xena impression, to sound utterly uninterested in what he caught me almost doing.

I pray to Velvet for him to disappear out the door and wait for me to be done, but he simply stands there, and I have to re-adjust my uniform and get myself relatively decent. He has a point, we can't just wait in this castle the entire war, we have to work on the momentum we’ve earned... But despite knowing all of that, only one thought crosses my lips.

"Is this how you feel when I interrupt your dinner?"