Another march. This one's taken a month. It's almost enough to make one nostalgic for fighting greenjackets in the powder smoke of a market square, or fleeing a melting art gallery. Day in, day out monotony, only this time it's punctuated by wrestling with grief. Her Majesty rejected me, my friends seem on edge around me... Theophania is trying to seize any opportunity to be at my side. It's become too painful for me to bear, the fear that I'll project my desires onto her, that I'll do some awful thing that will make her happy. It wouldn't be fair on her, or Her Majesty. I can't be trusted around her.

Avoiding her has become part of my daily routine. I have to believe it's the healthiest thing, that it's a very bitter medicine for both of us. If she ever knew about the twisted nature of my affections then she might break. And if she ever tried to start something, I don't think I could resist those affections any longer. This is what a grown-up would do about this, surely. Why does being a grown-up have to be cruel all the time?

Pasche as well has been rather awkward around me lately. She's not quite been ignoring me, it's more a sense that she's unsure about something. I've treated her terribly, haven't I? ... I skipped out on our day together, just to fail to save my goddess. I've been tempted to share my magic with her again, to try and get her back on-side, but that doesn't feel right. I don't think I have the right to be in her heart right now.

Xena too has been cagey around me, her demeanour a mixture of odd stares, casual pleasantries, and intense questions I don't know the answers to. Questions there might not be answers to, but sting a little to fail to answer. If she didn't like that kiss she could just say so… Only she doesn't. I've been tempted to apologize anyway, but something tells me that would only offend her more. Why do my friends have to be such enigmas?

At least Antoine and Katarina have been mercifully straightforward. The two have actually become fast friends. Antoine has no idea how to speak German, but he does know how to speak 'enthusiasm' and that seems to carry to Katarina's ears. Xena seems honestly a little displeased to have to fight for Katarina's affections. I wonder if she's going to flick my brother on the forehead again over it. It's odd to imagine Xena being jealous.

While I've hardly been in the mood to join in that revelry, it has been nice to get some moments with Antoine myself, even if our conversations inexorably turn tactical. If nothing else this march has gone a long way in filling some gaps in my education. It's certainly been a comfort to be able to plan around having well-equipped and drilled troops behind me, courtesy of my new 'friends' in The Convention no doubt... If they sacrifice Her Majesty, how long will it take me to learn the news? A month? Longer? Would I never know, until I one day return to Alesia to find a world that has forgotten her? ... She'd rather die than be by my side. She'd rather be forgotten. Am I supposed to forget her? Is that what a grown-up would do?

Summer has well and truly come to an end by the time we cross the border into Samnia. We march over autumn leaves on the roads and shiver at the occasional chills as the nights grow colder. Frightfully colder, and I no longer have Her Majesty's warmth to see me through them. On these cold nights I'm almost tempted to let Theophania in, to give up on being a good person, to make her sinfully, blasphemously happy. But I choose to freeze... I haven't gotten much sleep since we entered Samnia. But on the bright side, that has spared me from my dreams.

I have to wonder if I look like a complete mess as the army finally makes its way into the city of Genoa, Avernia's base of operations in Samnia. I simply lack the patience to do my hair right or keep my uniform prim and proper. I'm hardly slovenly but if trends continue, if the cold continues, who knows how much of a mess I’ll end up becoming. My disheveled state isn't enough to keep me from the front of the column however, as Antoine and I enter the city, with my entourage not far behind. We leave our long-suffering horses at the stables, and Antoine takes me on a walking tour of the city. A proud one, albeit an unusual one.

"And here's where the Magyar's grenadiers tried to rally after we'd breached the walls! Of course, we moved a little too quickly for them to get organized, they didn't manage much more than sparing us the difficulty of finding them all!" Antoine gestures to a large building, one of a kind I'd never seen before, and which I imagined traditionally didn't have impact marks from musket balls.

"Where is 'here' exactly though, brother? You promised a tour of the city, not a tour of your conquest."

"They're one and the same, sis! ... I think the Samnians call this building a church. Instead of worshiping surrounded by nature, they lock themselves in brick buildings and pray in silence. It's more than a little odd."

"Huh. Fascinating."

Seems the gods aren't picky about how they're worshiped. That or the war spilling over into Samnian lands is a sign that they’ve displeased the gods with their practices, but that doesn't seem correct. Honestly the fact that we can have such different traditions for the same thing makes it all seem a little arbitrary.

"Yeah. I think it's a church of Velvet, going by what's left of the iconography. Hehe, I'd best not catch you looking at the priests here, sis. If you submit a receipt for a visit I'll know."

"... You needn't worry about me visiting priests, brother." I wonder if all the priestesses in there are like Renee. Sad, but animated and charming and worthy of all the joy in the world.

"Good good. You deserve better than anything Velvet can offer anyhow. You’re a Pollineux." That’s almost a compliment, albeit one that denigrates Velvet's faithful a little more than I'd like.

"Thank you, brother... Shall we head to the site of your next little triumph then?"

"Certainly! We haven't even made it to the square yet, I have a tale to tell about how we took that one- Lazierte?!"

My brother has caught something out of the corner of his eye, and very quickly becomes fixated on it, gesturing for it to come join us... Wait, Lazierte? Lazierte is here?! I feel my heart skip a beat. I knew she was in Samnia but somehow, in my grief, I did not at all prepare for this reunion. Oh gods, I haven't done my hair, my uniform is all disheveled, why did I let it come to this? She's going to make fun of me forever.

She's going to laugh her dumb little laugh and I am going to be so very happy to hear it again.

"Oh, you're back." Lazierte slowly approaches Antoine, the eye roll evident in her voice. "I've written extensive reports about the events of the past two months. Maybe you'd like to read them and leave me alone- Serena?!"

Her eyes catch me... And soon her arms do too, as she sprints over and almost knocks me over with her sheer excitement. She holds me in a tight, slightly sharp embrace, which I quickly return.

I have missed her, and having her in my arms again I wonder how I was ever able to function separated from her. She smells nice... She may have grown an inch since we last saw each other. Hehe, just a little more Lazierte than last time.

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"Oh yes, I failed to mention that my little sister was accompanying me here. Admittedly it was a fairly last minute change..." Antoine's voice implies a confused look that I can't see, consumed as I am in my best friend's embrace.

"Are you real? Tell me you're real!" Is Lazierte crying?

"I am real, Lazierte. And I'm really happy to see you again." Oh no, I think I'm tearing up a little too... Just another facet of the mess that I've become.

"Me too. On both of those things, me too!"

The embrace lasts for both an eternity, and for far too short a time. Eventually Lazierte lets me go, and I reluctantly slip my arms away as well. Lazierte certainly has been crying, and reaching up a hand to my cheek revealed I have shed a tear or two. For a moment we simply stare at one another... Before Lazierte finally speaks.

"You look like a wreck... The march must not have treated you kindly." She chuckles, but there is clear concern behind her little teasing.

"Yeah... I haven't slept right in... Gods only know how long."

"Well, I can certainly fix that! ... I got a new portrait of Her Majesty, I'm sure you'll find it remarkably stimulating!"

"Oh... Thank you, Lazierte." I try my hardest to sound even one one-millionth as excited as that would have made me back when we were students together. "Hehe, you're too kind to me."

"There's no such thing as 'too kind to you', Serena."

At some point Lazierte and I remember that my brother exists, and has been staring at the two of us making fools of ourselves for a while now. I turn... In his eyes I can see he has finally realized something. Or at least, he certainly thinks he has.

"Wait, are you two-"

"Best friends, yes." Lazierte cut his thought off at the pass with a surprisingly sharp tone.

"I was going to say 'married' but sure, best friends." A sharp tone that Antoine is utterly immune to, utterly certain about his little revelation.

"I... I uhhh-" I want to deny it outright but something seizes my tongue and refuses to let me contradict him.

Lazierte by contrast is nothing but rather panicked noises, not even able to form words to fumble like I was. It’s honestly adorable, but the poor girl seems in pain. I reach out a hand to take hers and run my thumb over the back of her hand. And she immediately gets my meaning, managing to regain her calm. She’s now almost up to the task of explaining our very idiosyncratic friendship to my brother.

Pasche joins us, and once again is a destroyer of moods. "Are we interrupting something?"

Xena and Katarina follow behind. Xena regards Lazierte and I curiously, while Katarina bounds over to offer her hand to a potential new friend, giving a heartfelt greeting in German. Lazierte is genuinely baffled at the sight of Katarina, moreso at her little introduction, but with another thumb rubbed over the back of her hand she takes the German cannibal's offer and tries her best to smile. One again Katarina is a lot to take in on a first encounter. As is Xena, come to think of it. And Pasche is a little odd too, in her way… I am going to have to introduce Lazierte to all my new friends.

And Antoine is going to be no help, he takes a step back from the situation we've found ourselves in. "I'll... Go read those reports. You girls catch up, I'll see you at dinner."

This might be the first time I have ever heard of Antoine Pollineux retreating. But admittedly, he has a lot to think about, what with his bent sister and his assumption that I am married to his latest obsession... No priest of Wool would ever marry us, it’s a ridiculous thing to suggest. But it is one powerful enough to leave me stupefied apparently.

Never mind that though, I have to face the same situation Antoine has just retreated from, and face it bravely. "Pasche, Xena, Katarina... This is Lazierte. My best friend from the Officer's Academy."

There’s silence for a moment, before a confused-looking Pasche manages to voice a question. "I thought I was your 'best friend'."

"Oh, you are. Lazierte is also my best friend."

"Well, how does that work? Best means best, on top, above all others. How can two people be your best friend?"

I'm starting to feel like my taxonomy might be crumbling a little. Pasche has something resembling a point, and yet I don’t think I love her any less than Lazierte, and I love Lazierte no less than her. And Xena looks almost a little displeased, watching this whole thing unfold, silently judging my reasoning... What are the words that can get me out of this? Because the ones I'm using are clearly insufficient…

"It's just... It just does work. I don't love either of you more than the other and I love you both a lot. I don't know what else you'd call that..."

Lazierte and Pasche try to find the answers to this conundrum in each other, scrutinizing one another as if to see what I 'saw' in them. Honestly, they look rather similar. Both quite underfed and skinny, both fairly short and both with fairly short hair. Lazierte's breasts are only a little bit larger than Pasche's, it must be said... Why am I looking at that? I'm a disgrace to Her Majesty! ... I’m already a disgrace to Her Majesty, how dare I still think I have any of her approval left to lose?

While Lazierte and Pasche stare each-other down, Xena's eyes are squarely on me, and seem almost a little malicious. "Have you kissed her too?"

This is enough to break Lazierte and Pasche out of her little staring contest and puts a considerable blush on both of their faces. One which Lazierte utterly fails to hide by looking down, clearly ashamed of something. Of being a coward? I remember our last meeting, her lamenting her cowardice... What would have happened had she kissed me fully? I'm not even sure I'd have been able to get to Alemannia if she had.

"I haven't, no." I answered truthfully, but not exactly honestly.

"Of course. Because she hasn't saved your life yet. I forgot."

Xena was being cruel. I don't understand why Xena would ever feel the need to be cruel. And yet, she doesn't have an expression. I'm reading malice into an empty stare, but what else could there be? Surely I'm not that bad a kisser, am I?

"Of course, neither has Princess Theophania. Oh, she's sleeping in the carriage by the way. We should probably wake her up and get her settled in our new home. Right, General?"

"R- Right." I nod, but my attention quickly falls on Lazierte again, poor embarrassed Lazierte. "You know the area better than I do, and you have the relevant experience. Would you mind helping me organize the troops?"

She nods, though it took a while to raise her head after. "Sure. I can more than do that, Serena… What’s this about Her Highness?"

The two of us get moving, and I have to try to explain how I came into possession of the actual princess of an actual country.. As necessary as this agonizing little introduction was, I am more than happy that it’s over. Even if it didn't seem to resolve anything, at least there is some respite from it. Why is having loved ones so difficult? Trying to balance Her Majesty and my friends was bad, now even with her gone it's still so hard! ... Is this why most people married once and that’s it? Is this just another way that I'm strange?

If I become a grown-up, am I going to have to pick one of them and abandon the rest? I don't think I can do that, I don't think I can ever do that. Her Majesty was my very goddess, and she still couldn't keep me from wanting to kiss Pasche and Xena and Celeste, or from wanting to comfort a poor priestess in a lonely town. Or even from the things I did with her daughter. Even my goddess couldn't make me love her and only her, and abandon the rest. What is wrong with me? ... Does Xena know? Is that why she keeps asking questions? Does she maybe even have a solution?