Ravenna.
The city is utterly vast from the outside, almost as big as Alesia. I'm not even certain we have enough troops to surround it, especially with our new Illyrian friends out mopping up Magyar remnants rather than sieging with us. We've managed to get here, that’s already impressive enough... But how are we going to get in? How are we even going to overcome the walls? ... And even if we do, how are we going to deal with all the civilians?
The King of Samnia is apparently just as confident as I am full of doubt, as he has ridden to our camp with his entourage to discuss our surrender. His quite extensive entourage, with a full honor guard and a handful of other nobles. Nobles whose land we have probably occupied on the way here. Which goes some way towards explaining their smug smiles, barely papering over fury, which one of them notably doesn’t have.
A young woman wearing a well-fitting suit but ill-fitting finery over it, who looks horribly uncomfortable here. Her bright eyes keep darting to our own Avernian soldiers, then back to the Samnian guardsmen, it’s a compulsion she’s unable to overcome. If I had to guess she’s only a little older than me, and ever so slightly shorter. She’s fidgeting with her short black hair, a boyish mess atop a youthful face, all the while clearly lost in thought.
Poor girl. If we win, we'll be killing her.
"So... This is the best you could come up with? The famous Antoine Pollineux, 'The Messiah of Steel', has walked right into the Samnian Army, in the most defensible location in Samnia... With this pitiful handful of clowns?" The King gives a grand, sweeping gesture to all the Avernian officers in attendance, getting a chuckle out of most of his retinue.
Antoine completely ignores the King and smiles widely at Lazierte. "Hehe! He said the thing! Did you hear that? He called me 'The Messiah of Steel'! I knew it'd catch on!"
Lazierte pinches the bridge of her nose with her spare hand, she can't even begin to form the words to describe her sheer disappointment with the situation. I giggle.
It doesn't last long, being in the presence of a man who hides behind his own civilians while he abandons them to their fates is not good for my mood. I am obliged to be a monster, but to do something so heinous, this man must be accustomed to it.
But it at least gets a smile out of me to see the Samnian King so displeased by Antoine's amusement. "I am here in good faith to offer you a path back to your home, to allow you to survive the folly of having invaded my land... And you would laugh?!"
"Of course I would! I'm genuinely surprised that you are surprised." Antoine's dramatic thespian routine can be very amusing when it’s employed as a weapon. "So... What precisely are your proposed terms then?"
"Simple. Leave. I will allow you all to leave every inch of Samnian land that you have occupied without incident, including Genoa. You will withdraw to Massila, and in exchange I will speak to The Coalition about potentially bringing the war to an early close. Oh, and you won't all die in Ravenna, or outside its walls. It sounds reasonable to me, and if you were in any way sensible you would accept."
"I see. Is that all we need to do for you? You don't require me to get on my knees and kiss your boots in gratitude? You're not demanding to fuck my sister in exchange for your gracious mercy?" Antoine's eyes find me, immediately full of remorse. "... I was merely being rhetorical, but I do apologize."
Lazierte is honestly more offended than I am, at least I might conceptually forgive my idiot brother for his casual vulgarity. I shuffle closer to her and take her hand, rubbing a thumb over the back of it. If I don't let her know everything is alright she might actually strangle my brother to death.
"For me to take any joy in humiliating you, I would need to believe you had any dignity to lose. And I have no desire to sleep with your ugly mess of a sister... Do the backwards people of your small island even bother to bathe, she looks like she's slept in a forest!"
This time I have to squeeze Lazierte's hand, she’s inched herself closer to the Samnian King, clearly about ready to murder him for daring to point out my disheveled appearance... I haven't slept in a forest, I've barely slept at all these past few weeks, but knowing how untamed my curls have become I can understand his criticism... That young woman among the King's retinue looks at her sovereign with some amount of confused disdain. Who precisely is she?
"... Alright then, I think this meeting is done." Antoine gives Lazierte and I a concerned look, before returning his attention to the King of Samnia. "I think I'd much prefer to kill you, destroy your dynasty, tear down your Eagles, and free the Samnian people of your utterly inept rule. You just threw away your only bargaining chip. My sincere belief that you might have been more amusing alive than dead."
"Such confidence from the upstart. Listen, boy. You might be able to fight an army, you may well be able to take a city. But you cannot overcome a people! And I am the people of Samnia made manifest! Your soldiers will drown in Samnian blood before they even make it to my palace. You will never be skilled enough to overcome-"
This I cannot tolerate, this pride in just how many people he is willing to let die for him just to save his skin and preserve his rule... His pride in having the same power as me. "Monsieur, do you have any idea what the storming of Ravenna will look like for the people you charge into the path of our muskets? Did you even take a glance of what became of the men and women you rallied to oppose us in Medhelanon? They were shot to pieces! Their bodies were riddled with holes and the streets were slick with their blood. They were blasted apart by grenades thrown into their homes, or burned in the flaming ruins, their corpses so mangled you could not even recognize them. They were hacked to pieces by the axes and entrenching tools of sappers, and spent their final bloodcurdling moments screaming in agony. Thousands died so horribly, all so you could abandon them. And let me ask you something, Monsieur... Do you really think they died smiling? Happy to die in your service? Do you really think their last thoughts were of the glory of you?"
"... I am no mere monsieur. I am the King of Samnia. And there are not thousands of people in Ravenna. There are millions. More than you have bullets, more than you have grenades. Your axes will break before I am through with you."
The retinue behind him cheer in support of this utterly inhuman plan from their sovereign. All except the young woman, whose blood runs cold. I can see in her eyes from here, she’s imagining it. The bloodshed... The suffering... I may have painted too vivid a picture for her to handle, or maybe she already had the basic strokes down herself. Has she seen something like this before?
I feel guilty. I reach out my heart to catch her in my power, even if I made her deal with this I can ensure she doesn't have to deal with it alone. And in the presence of bravery she suddenly looks resolute. She has a duty, grim as it may be, and is determined to see it through.
I may have helped her be a better enemy, but I couldn't stand to see her in pain like that.
"I believe you underestimate my lions, monsieur." Seems my brother has picked up my mistake, seeing as it offended this sovereign so. "When they run out of bullets and grenades, when they have no recourse left, they will fight with their teeth. When you return to what is, for now, your final refuge in Samnia, I would like you to remember something. Cats eat birds."
As the Samnian delegates take their leave with a huff, the young woman amongst them gives one final look in my direction over her shoulder. Can she tell? Does she know I reached out my heart to her? ... No, that’s ridiculous, impossible even, Surely!
“Well, I think we have all the motivation we need to put an end to the Kingdom of Samnia, don't you agree?" Antoine gives his officers a smile, rallying some amount of enthusiasm.
Admittedly I too desire the end of that man and his Kingdom... But I’m not certain I can fight everyone in Ravenna for it. I couldn't fight everyone in Alesia for Her Majesty after all, I have already failed exactly this. I’m shaking... I shouldn't be shaking.
"That King has no godsdamned taste." Lazierte squeezes my hand, and whispers to me with equal parts cheek and concern. "I wouldn't let anything he says get to you."
"Y... Yeah." I realize quickly she’s talking about the comments about my appearance, and I try to give her a smile. "... But he's right though. I'm a mess."
"Admittedly you don't look like you've slept right in a while, but we can fix that." Lazierte turns to me with her painful sincerity. "Serena... I was wondering if maybe you might want to umm... Share a bed, like we used to? Y'know, before the big battle and all."
I want to. It is clear she wants me to. I want to say yes, but I can't. Not if I'd be sharing a tent with Her Majesty again. Not if I'd be getting between Lazierte and Her Majesty. If Lazierte ever learns what I had done to the Queen, what will she do? Maybe I deserve whatever she might do to me but I can't bear to have Lazierte punish me for my sins.
I can't even bear to say no to her... I am a coward too. "... After we take Ravenna. I think I want to celebrate our victory together, you know?"
Lazierte looks rather crestfallen, but she nods and forces a smile. "Well... We'll certainly get through it, after all. You're here... Even if you could stand to get stabbed a little less!"
"Haaah... I'll be careful. I know better what to watch out for now." I nervously chuckle, it’s the only way to keep from screaming. "... I wouldn't break a promise to you."
"I know." There's an awkward moment... And then Lazierte throws her arms around me, holding me tight. "I trust you, Serena."
... I gently put my arms around Lazierte as well, holding her softly, patting her back... Trying not to wail in pain. This cannot continue. I’m a liar, I’m a sinner, I have no worth and I am no good. I can’t conquer Ravenna, I can’t save her from the horrors that are coming. I can’t share her bed, I can’t face Her Majesty… I can’t even let her know that I have hurt our goddess, I’m a coward. I’m a fucking coward.
Lazierte lets me free, and I run. I’m not sure why I am running, or even how I am running, I simply flee. Breathlessly, painfully, I scramble back to the solitude of my tent, far away from the people I keep hurting… But I can’t outrun my pain. I can’t outrun my sin. No matter where I run, I am still Serena Pollineux, and I have still done the things I’ve done. I still deserve to be punished… And I am still too much of a coward to let Lazierte do it.
So… Perhaps I should do it.
… My eyes drift to my sword, and my mind casts itself back to that brief moment of peace I felt on the streets of Medhelanon, knowing I was about to die. The wound hurt, but the knowledge I was dying was comforting, it was simple. It was serene… I know well enough how to give someone a quick and painless death now, I have been a monster long enough. So I truly am a coward, but at least… At least I’ll be punished. And at least I’ll be at peace. I take the sword, I unsheathe it.
And I hear Xena at the tent flap, speaking in her usual monotone. “Drop it.”
I obey, and then reach down to pick the sword up again, determined to solve the problem that was my sinful existence.
“Sit!”
I obey, and before I can even struggle to get up again she approaches quickly and flicks me on the forehead, hard.
“Serena. I am going to ask you this once and I need you to be honest with me. Were you about to harm someone I love?”
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… How do I answer that? That’s the problem with Xena’s questions, they’re always so impossible to answer! They’re confusing, and the thinking always hurts, and I just want everything to be simple-
“Answer me!”
“Yes! Yes I was.” … Okay maybe it wasn’t impossible to answer after all.
Xena flicks my forehead again, and now typical dullness is completely absent from her eyes, filled with the kind of anger only someone who loves something is capable of.
“Serena, this is not okay. People rely on you, people care about you. You are a thing that matters, and are worthy of more respect than this.”
Respect? Respect?! “I… I am nothing worthy of your care, and nothing worthy of anyone’s respect! I’m a coward, Xena! I’m a miserable fucking coward! And a monster, and a failure, and a sinner and-”
She flicks my forehead again, somehow hurts just a little more every time no matter how forceful or gentle she is. “I will not stand to hear such wrong-headed, disgusting insults slung at you. I will discipline anyone who does it and that includes you.”
“But… They’re all true, Xena! You’re smart, you’re smart enough that it’s genuinely terrifying! You have to be able to see that these things are true-”
Xena growls at me, a noise that sounds utterly alien coming from her throat. It’s the kind of noise I’d expect from Katarina, not our dull-eyed resident genius.
“If you really thought so highly of my intelligence then you’d trust me when I say things. You are not a coward. You are not a monster. And I reject any god who would call you of all people a sinner.”
I take a deep breath… I’ve been screaming, my throat is hoarse. I’ve been screaming at Xena, right in her face, making her angry. I’ve done her wrong, again. Why do I keep screwing up?
“... I shouldn’t be yelling at you. I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you. No harm done.”
I blink, completely unprepared for that. Forgiveness? So simple? I… No! That’s not right! I’m a dreadful, awful thing! I can’t just be forgiven-
“Serena, we need to talk.” She’s trying to compose herself again, but the echo of that fury is still evident in every part of her form. “We’ve needed to talk since the moment we left Alesia. And now it cannot wait any longer… Tell me what hurt you, so I can find a way to fix it.”
“What hurt me? … I hurt me, Xena. It has to have been me, nothing else makes sense! The things I want, the things I’ve wanted, these are all harms I have brought upon myself. I’m the problem-”
"Haaaah..." Xena pinches the bridge of her nose, taking a seat on the bed beside me, clearly more than a little frustrated. "Fine, new approach. Just tell me everything you're going through. In detail. Leave out nothing."
Everything? I don't even know where to start. But I have to start somewhere, Xena looks about ready to flick my forehead again and I don’t think I can bear that again right now… I should start with what made me run here. I just need to keep calm, take a deep breath-
"Xena, I'm constantly hurting the people I love and I can't stand it even though I'm just trying to protect them from me and also the Samnians and I want to die so I can stop hurting people but everyone wants me to live and I don't know what to do and I'm scared and nothing makes sense and if Lazierte found out that Her Majesty rejected me then I don't know what would happen between us and I don't want to disappoint her and don't want her disappointed in me and Pasche wants me to be with her and I want to be with her but I want to be with Lazierte and Celeste and you and Theophania and I don't deserve any of you!"
... And then I take a second breath.
Xena blinks, clearly she too is struggling to find where to start... "... You are aware of why it might hurt the people you love that you reject them so often, right?"
"... Why? I'm only trying to-"
Xena flicks me on the forehead, I think I’m going to cry. "Because they love you too. You idiot."
"I... What-"
“They love you too. You idiot."
"Then... Then they should stop! They should stop immediately! I can't stand hurting them like this!"
Another flick, I am crying. "Then stop hurting them. Let them love you."
"But I can't! If I do... I'm not worthy of them!"
Another flick, my heart aches like it’s been in battle. "What do you really think is going to happen if you simply let yourself love who you love, Serena?"
"I... I'll hurt them! I'll be bad for them, I'll-"
Another flick, this had to be how I felt when Her Majesty cast me aside. "You're already hurting them, and being bad for them. How is changing that behavior going to produce the very same result?"
"Because! ... Because I tried to love Katje... And I hurt her."
"The Queen again..." Xena takes a deep breath through her nose, seemingly plotting a meticulous murder. "... You hurt her?"
"I... I kissed her! And... Then... Did more things with her. She exposed her skin to me, I kissed and held her, and touched her, and then she pushed me away! I... I made her push me away. I... I forced myself on her-"
"... You kissed her... And then things continued from there?"
"She... She kissed me back-"
"And then she... 'Exposed her skin'?"
"She slid her shoulders out of the sleeves of her dress... Her breasts were beautiful. Truly magical, Xena..."
"Right... And then you kissed her and touched her more."
"I did... She... I really did think she was enjoying my touch."
"And then she pushed you away... Did you continue after she did so?"
"... Well... No. I... I didn't know why, and I was shocked, and she told me no."
"And once you told her no, you didn't touch her anymore?"
"I... I didn't... But she wouldn't have to say no if-"
"The way you described it, she was perfectly accepting until she wasn't. And you immediately withdrew when she wasn't... Serena, what did you do wrong?"
"I... I was supposed to save her. I was supposed to be hers, I was supposed to protect her! But I couldn't... Because... Because I kissed her, and-"
"And she rejected you. The way you're rejecting us."
"... I'm not a goddess, Xena. You do not have any obligation to belong to me-"
"The Queen is not a goddess either, Serena."
"She's my- Owww!"
Another flick to my forehead, I recoil in pain. "She's just a person, Serena. You owe her nothing. What could make you think that she deserves to be worshiped? What makes you think she even deserves to be liked?"
"... She... She saved me. By mustering me and the other girls, she saved me! And she saved me again in the Groves of Steel, I never would have been able to make sacrifices without her smile or her encouragement! She... She saved my life!"
"Do you know why?"
"I... What?"
"Do you know why she saved you? Do you know why she smiled and encouraged you through the most horrifying experience you'd ever had in your life?"
"... No... She's a goddess! She doesn't need a reason-"
"Serena... People don’t just do things for no reason. People certainly don’t just do things for strangers for no reason. I’ve met your Queen, your Katje, and I can tell you now I don’t see a philanthropist saving girls from sad fates in La’an… I see a schemer, and an incompetent one who is in over her head. If she did those things for you, she did them for a reason."
A reason? But what reason could she possibly have? The only thing she had to gain from saving me was… Was me. But she didn’t want me! She cast me aside, she… She cast me aside because I kissed her, because I loved her. No, she wanted a monster, didn’t she?
“She did these things… Because she wanted me to be her monster?”
“I wouldn’t put it past her. She’s been exploiting you from the start as far as I’m concerned, having you to do her bidding. It’s just slavery again, with worship instead of chains. It’s boring, It’s so horribly boring.”
Xena's eyes hold no hint of boredom, nor of her usual tiredness. They’re full of disgust, contempt... Wrath. If she were anyone other than herself, she'd be screaming... She... She truly, utterly hates my goddess. On a primal, fundamental level she wants my goddess to die.
"... You don't look bored, Xena. You look angry."
This raises an eyebrow from Xena, who looks at me quizzically. "Slavery is entirely normal. People accept it or engage in it everywhere. It's ordinary... It's an ordinary thing to force someone to be and do whatever you want... It happens so often, and is so 'easy', that it must be boring... This feeling I have, what could it possibly be in the face of something so normal?"
Hating what’s normal… It’s what Celeste and Rosierte do, isn’t it? It’s what the Historian would have me do. I have punished and hurt and hated myself since Her Majesty cast me aside for failing to live up to some ‘normal’... But that same normal puts people in chains and fills Xena with disgust. Someone as smart as her struggles with these same things, and yet… It all seems so silly seeing it from the outside… It’s so clear to me when it’s someone else’s problem.
"Xena..." I lean upwards, and reach out a hand to pet Xena's head. "You're allowed to hate normal things... You're allowed to be disgusted with the ordinary. And you're allowed to be right, even though everyone else is wrong."
"... If I hated it, if I were disgusted with it... I'd be disgusted with almost everyone on Lutice. I'd hate almost everyone in the world."
I can almost hear Celeste’s voice creeping into my own. I miss her. "You hate the idea that's poisoned them, and the world that made them think it was okay. That world is something that can be changed, and can change the ordinary people around it... Ordinary people are just that, they'll be okay with whatever is normal. So, if normal isn't okay then you just have to change what normal is... And that takes a lot of disgust, Xena. It takes a lot of hate. Because it takes a lot of care..."
"Change the world... Change the normal with my hate?"
"Exactly! ... You're smart. I know you can do it. It's exactly what Auguste and Celeste are trying to do too. You aren't even alone in hating this, of course you're allowed to-"
Xena leans in and kisses me. And pushes me back down onto the bed, straddling my hips and firmly planting each of her hands on either side of my head. It’s done so calmly, so matter-of-factly, that it takes me completely off-guard. She has me beneath her... To my shame, I find it more than a little stimulating. I feel cared for. I feel wanted.
Xena meanwhile is apparently feeling venomous, and tears form in the corners of her eyes. "I hate your Queen. I hate her for what she did to you. I hate her for turning such a fascinating young woman into her cultist, and now her flagellant... I hate that you could have so much love in you, if only she hadn't taken it for herself..."
What Katje did to me? … She had been so sad in my presence... Guilty? Does Katje know what she did? … Did Katje know what her rejection would do to me, after making me crave being in Her Majesty’s service?
Am I hurting everyone I love by rejecting them after making them crave me? "Xena..."
"You deserved better, Serena. You deserve better. And even if you think you don't, we all believe you do. And we're going to give it to you, no matter how long it takes. No matter how many tears it takes-"
I lean up and kiss her. I want her to have my lips, I want to have hers... I don't want to hurt her anymore. I... I don't know what to think about Her Majesty, about the idea she might have hurt me. But at least I know I will no longer commit the sin of making beautiful women cry.
Xena accepts the kiss... And is surprisingly clumsy. I hadn’t noticed before, but she knows nothing of this, much like Theophania. Passionate and amateur, it’s genuinely, overwhelmingly beautiful to see Xena doing something she isn't incredibly knowledgeable about. It makes me want to teach her more things.
She pulls her lips away from mine so she can breathe, and smile. "... This is why you're so fascinating, Serena. Because you're so honest and you're so sincere. Because you're so you... I love you most when you are you."
I shake... I’ve been trying to be a monster ever since we left Alesia, to stop myself from being exactly myself. Trying to be 'General Pollineux'... But Xena, she doesn't want me to be a monster. She'd never ask me to be one. I... I…
I put a hand on her thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You... You don't mind me being Serena? You... You want to know what Serena's like?"
"Please."
Xena gently strokes my hair, an irresistible encouragement. Xena is going to learn a thing or two about lovemaking in a siege camp in a foreign country.
She’s going to learn a thing or two about Serena.