When Pasche returned my unconscious form to the Cotton Temple Xena insisted on me being tied back up again. I spent two more days like that, during which I didn’t see Pasche again. I didn’t see much of anyone other than Xena, feeding me as I remained tied down while she struggled not to admonish me. I got what I deserved, and yet I felt no less guilty. How does absolution work if not by punishment?

Eventually my brother came to my ‘rescue’. The army was moving on, the Magyars were reforming at the town of Mantua and thus had made themselves vulnerable to complete destruction. Antoine was calling for a forced march, and despite the protests of Xena there was simply no more time for my ‘recovery’. I wasn’t even sure if I was relieved at the time, or dreading having my friends being in danger again, but no matter what I felt, I still got out of bed.

We caught the Magyar army by surprise at Mantua, the days prior were a brutal march that mercifully all blurred together to me. The battle was brief and decisive, the morale of the Magyar army broke as soon as we were upon them, and they collapsed before the Avernian Lions... But unlike last time, the conscripts didn't run. They surrendered.

Tens of thousands of them surrendered.

And of those tens of thousands of men, almost half of them survived the following sacrifices, something utterly unprecedented in the history of warfare. This must have been planned, a great many of them simply surrendered in the face of their opponents and allowed themselves to be killed. Some of them even managed to not scream as they were stabbed, and maintained enough composure that it might be possible to believe that they didn't regret their decision to die. It was utterly baffling behavior, and not something I ever thought I'd see again, let alone on this scale.

But eventually we managed to process every sacrifice, and faced with having to feed thousands of Magyar conscripts we called an emergency meeting of officers to decide how to deal with this sudden strain on our supplies. Part of me has to wonder if the Magyars have realized that their terrified draftees are more of a threat to us as prisoners than as adversaries, because we have more bullets to spare than we did food. It’s a mean thought. It’s a thought that fits a monster.

I doubt Xena would approve. Nor would the prisoner that she has brought into the officer's tent with her.

Antoine looks puzzled at the sudden intrusion, but at least he doesn’t look as viscerally disgusted as some of his officers do. "Forgive me, Mademoiselle Helven was it? This was one of the Magyar conscripts we had captured, if I have my information right. What business do they have in a meeting between officers of the Avernian army?"

Xena doesn't give Antoine a response, whispering something to the prisoner who gives a grand declaration in response. In a language none of us understand. In a language that doesn't even sound like the familiar gibberish of German or Samnian. Is this one of those 'Slavic' dialects Xena had mentioned before?

Mercifully Xena is willing to translate for us this time, even if she does so glaring at Antoine. "He takes offense to being called a 'Magyar' conscript. He is Illyrian, and proudly so, as are many of the men we captured today. He says he wished to discuss a possibility that he and his fellow conscripts had been considering."

One of the officers gets to his feet, ready to castigate the conscript, or perhaps Xena herself, but Antoine gestures for him to be quiet. "A possibility you say? Color me intrigued. What does this man have to say to us?"

Xena dutifully translates... Even though her eyes are almost as dull as they typically are, I have gotten used to her enough to know she is doing this despite a clear distaste for Antoine and the assembled officers. "He and many of his fellows have no love for the Magyar Empire. In fact they would love nothing more to see their oppressors lose this war and be torn apart, so that they might have their own states again. The conscripts have elected this man to speak for them, Theodoric Hus, and if you would give your approval they would have him as their general. For a new army, one which would assist Avernia in its war against the Magyars."

Seems like Antoine can't keep his officers from being jumpy forever, one of them rising to his feet to rebuke Xena. "You would have us waste muskets on these cowards?! To arm them and use them, even as they have failed so poorly in every battlefield we have seen them in? These men surrendered to us the very first chance they had! How could they be reliable?!"

Antoine gives the officer some measure of attention but doesn’t give him a response, keeping the floor open to any other insubordinate outbursts that might arise from this possible solution. It’s only fair, after all, to let every viewpoint be heard just as unfairly as that one. And it’ll be more than a little sad if this rather loathsome opinion goes unchallenged. I don't know if I’m allowed to care but I think these men deserve a chance to fight for a home.

Lazierte mercifully agrees with me, getting to her feet and staring down the belligerent officer. "Even with our victories the Magyar Armies still outnumber us considerably. I believe we should not turn down allies who present themselves to us."

"And how exactly will we feed these new allies, Colonel Lazierte?" Our loud opposing officer is glaring at Lazierte with almost as much venom as Xena has for Antoine. "We're meeting here because we barely have food for ourselves due to someone's anti-looting policies. So, are you willing to arm these cowards and let them steal from the people of Samnia, but not us? Or do you perhaps have some vast supply network you're not telling us about? Would they be willing to be subjected to the same punishment you subjected Avernian troops to during our great retreat under your watch, Lazierte?"

Lazierte is taken aback, looking over at me as the opposing officer gives his little castigation. She looks completely calm, but I can see in her eyes that she’s looking at me in a panic. Why is she doing that? … Does she want me to rescue her?

I’m on my feet in an instant, I am always ready to defend Lazierte to the last. "There are plenty of supplies to feed and arm soldiers in Samnia. The Magyars cart it in by the day. These men are likely to know things about Magyar supply routes, about their bases in Samnia, about how they are organized. They are almost certainly ready to sabotage and disrupt enemy operations, especially now that we’ve smashed their main army. The Magyars are now uniquely vulnerable, and these new allies are uniquely qualified to root out any of them left in the country."

I feel like I may have, two months ago, called this dishonorable. But monsters have no honor no matter what they do, they may as well do what is most effective. The opposing officer is quiet, but he's still glaring at Lazierte with intense malice, almost with a vengeance. And Lazierte looks more than a little disturbed, trying to keep her gaze away from me...

Xena steps forward to address all the officers in the room at once, clearly unconcerned with any of our arguments. "I had heard it said this was an army out to liberate Samnia, right? Surely then it would be hypocritical to not give the people of Illyria the tools and organization necessary to liberate themselves as well, right? To give up your ideals right before the shores of Dalmatia would be utterly boring, and not in any way useful in the destruction of the Magyar Empire. Allow these men to fight for their country, and many more men can be inspired to do so as well. It's simple logic, that we're even debating this is an indictment on your intelligence and your morality. And stupid, hypocritical things are very, very ordinary. Very, very boring."

Everyone in the room is staring at Xena, even the conscript who has absolutely no idea what she’s saying. The entire room has been given the verbal equivalent of a flick to the forehead.

Antoine laughs uproariously, and nods his absolute approval. "Very well! I'm certainly convinced, I'm sure no-one else here has any objections?"

The opposing officer takes his seat again, but manages to slip in one last grumble. "We'll have to at least make sure he gets a passable grasp of Avernian, so we can coordinate with our new 'ally'."

"Then I suppose you can handle that, if you will be so kind, Xena." My brother's attention is back on Xena, with the specific kind of fascination usually reserved for imported tigers behind menagerie fences. "You are doing such a good job translating for him, after all."

Xena nods, and gives one final glare at Antoine before leaving with the newly minted General Theoderic Hus in tow, leaving us officers to discuss the logistics to make this viable. As viable as it is for the new Illyrian Army to rob the Magyars in the future, we still have to feed them tonight. Mercifully Lazierte is something of a divine miracle with logistics, and we soon have a plan. She always was something of a bookworm, it makes her reliable... She's very cute. I wonder if Her Majesty will appreciate her head for figures. She better- Her Majesty best not treat Lazierte badly…

How can I even assume that is possible? A goddess doesn't treat anyone any better or worse than they deserve, Her Majesty must be infallible, and yet I worry she would not treat Lazierte right. I am scared that the best thing in the world might not be worthy of Lazierte.

"Right! Meeting adjourned!"

That’s Antoine’s voice... I must have had that silent little moral crisis through the entire meeting. Lazierte stands, everyone else stands... And she casts a glance at me from across the room, clearly unsure what to think. She awkwardly approaches me, and scratches the back of her head.

"I have to give the commissariat their new orders… It’ll probably be a late night for me so I can’t really offer it to you. I’m sorry…” She looks scared, is she scared I’ll be upset with her? “Ummm... Have a good night, Serena."

"I... Uhh... Yeah. Good night, Lazierte." Why do I feel like I’m missing something?

Lazierte lingers for an awkward second, there’s something on her mind and it’s begging to be said… But she slips away from me, whatever it is apparently can wait until the actuarial tables are settled... I wish I could treat her well. I wish I could be the best thing in the world to her. But I can't. Because the best thing in the world to anyone would be Her Majesty. Even my best is nothing compared to a goddess, I can never be worthy of Lazierte. I can never be worthy of anyone. I get to my feet and find myself shambling back to my tent, lacking the power to walk normally, I feel drained. All I want to do is get off my feet and try to stop thinking about Her Majesty. I slip past the flap of the tent, fall into my chair... And am faced with something utterly horrifying.

"My knight!"

Theophania is sitting on my bed, again. She seems to have found a pair of trousers somewhere during our campaign, and a blouse that must have been tailored specifically to accommodate her rather ample bust. Her... Rather alluring bust. Her very nostalgic bust... I want to run, but my feet aren't listening to me anymore. I have nothing left to run away with. The memory of Her Majesty took that away from me.

"Theophania-"

"My knight, we are alone. You can address me properly if you'd like." She’s smiling, but something is clearly frustrating her.

"... Princess Theophania-"

"Yes, my darling knight?"

"... What are you doing on my bed?"

Her eye twitches subtly as she tries to maintain her smile... Something isn't quite right here. "I wrote up the report for today's battle! I thought you might wish to review it, to make sure it suits your purposes. I'm doing good work, you know."

Theophania gestures towards the desk I’m sitting at, and there is in fact a number of handwritten reports written upon it. Immaculately written in fact, Theophania's handwriting is utterly sublime. As to be expected from someone with a Princess' education I suppose. Reading the words however... They are equally immaculate, masterfully describing the heroism of the Avernian Lions and the brilliant and gallant nature of their General Serena. She even wove a narrative of Humanism into our actions. Acting with boldness and skill to prevent further loss of life, taking prisoners, and not looting any nearby villages. I'd never actually read any of Theophania's works before but, she absolutely knows what she’s doing here! She was an excellent choice for a publicist. It was entirely worth bringing her to Samnia with me.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

... She’s putting her arms around my shoulders and her mouth against my ear. "Hehe, I must confess I do adore writing about my knight's heroic conquests... Why, the only thing I'd like to write about more is... Her great loves."

Theophania bites my ear. Honestly she’s a little too gentle, she can definitely bite a little harder- No! No, I need to stop this!

"Princess-" I can't handle this, I need to get myself out of this.

"You won a great victory today. You've won many great victories since we marched into Samnia. I hear the Magyars are on the run, that we're about to take the capital of Samnia... Surely, after all these accomplishments, you have earned some rest, haven't you?" Her hands are slowly running down my form, undoing the top button of my dress as she whispers into my ear. "You've more than earned your princess."

"Theophania-" I can't move my limbs, I can't summon the will to flee, and no god is willing to save me.

"You're the perfect knight. Gallant and caring, kind and brave, dutiful and loving. You once said you would only leave me to face the worst evils, that you would choose me over the greatest comforts. There's nothing evil out there right now. No monsters you have to face."

She lowers her head to kiss my neck... And I swear I feel a tear on her cheek. "So I can be perfect for you too. I can be loving and supportive and sustaining and beautiful, I can be anything you want. So you can stay, right? ... You'll stay... Right?"

Please. Please help me. Anyone.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you-"

"Theophania!" I manage to find my feet and rise from my chair, turning to face her. "... I can't..."

Theophania is no longer smiling. And Theophania is no longer asking, physically pulling me over to the bed and flinging me upon it. She isn't especially strong, but I am extraordinarily weak in this moment. And that face can always move me, no matter where I see it. I land roughly on the bed and am soon followed by Theophania, who pins my wrists above my head with her hands. She’s weeping.

And she is furious. "You! You swore an oath. You have made me so many oaths and promises. You promised you would not leave me alone! You promised that you would serve me and be mine! It has been weeks since I have even spoken to you, my knight! You are going to keep your promises. You are going to be my knight tonight or I swear to the fucking gods! ..."

Theophania doesn't even have a threat to levy at me, she merely weeps louder and harder. It’s unbearable, my princess is crying. Theophania, someone I care deeply about, is hurt. And I have given her every right to feel that way... I want to comfort her, I want to give her everything she wants, I want to soothe her heart.

My idiot self kisses her... And she tastes exactly like Her Majesty. Her clumsy tongue moves boldly in my mouth, and without much in the way of finesse. Her Majesty had been a better kisser... But it’s close enough to hurt. It’s close enough to tear open my stomach, to stab me full of bayonets, to melt my skin and burn me until not even ash remains. I… I've forced myself upon her, didn’t I? I finally slipped, I’ve finally broken and exploited her, just for a taste of my goddess. I want to vomit.

Theophania withdraws her lips... And stares through me with renewed frustration. "Why are you crying?! Your princess is here! Why are you crying?!"

"Because..." At the back of my mind I pray that someone, anyone, will slit my throat before I can cry out an answer to Theophania's question. "You look just like her... You look just like Her Majesty…"

Theophania's anger disappears in an instant replaced with an utterly blank expression as she tries to process what has finally escaped my shameful idiot mouth. I've done it now. I can't take this back. Never again can I take my blasphemy to my grave. It takes an agonizing few moments, but eventually Theophania decides how to feel about this.

She decides to cry, roll off me, and flee the tent in despair.

I scramble out of bed and to my feet. My princess is crying and running and I don't know where she might end up or what she might do... I’ve been cruel to her. I’ve been cruel to her this entire campaign in Samnia. And now I’ve reached the apex of my cruelty, I’ve kissed her just to taste Her Majesty again... I can’t stand being this cruel, unbearable beast any longer. I can't stand being cruel to her any longer! And clearly she couldn't tolerate it either. I have to be entirely honest with her, I have to find her and tell her the truth, apologize as much as my lips will allow... And let her kill me for my transgressions any way she desires. I run out of the tent after her, following her as best I can... And eventually I find her at the infirmary tent.

I also find Xena there, still trying to teach the Illyrian general how to speak our language. "Theophania... I'm sorry, I'm busy at present, do you think this could wait-"

"Mademoiselle Helven! You've gotta fix Serena!"

... I stop by the entrance of the infirmary tent. In my very bones I know that I should not interrupt this moment. So I hide, and eavesdrop, as is fast becoming my habit. Xena is the smartest person I've ever heard of, after all. She has to have a solution for how to deal with me.

Xena, immediately attentive, turns to the general and asks something I cannot for the life of me understand. With a very confused nod he leaves the tent, passing me on the way out. The two of us share an awkward look, and I give him a fairly universal symbol that I am certain will cross the language barrier. A finger over my lips, followed by a ‘shhhhh’. Mercifully Theodoric understands my meaning, or at the very least has absolutely no desire to get involved with whatever is happening, and thus the man is silent. He doesn’t go anywhere though, there isn't really anywhere for him to go since Xena is the only other person here who speaks his language. So the two of us are stuck awkwardly looking at one another as we watch the drama unfold beyond the tent flap.

"... How hurt is she and what supplies do I need to bring?" Xena sounds her usual tired self, but there is an edge of panicked frustration in there.

"I... I don't think there are any supplies that could help with the way Serena's broken... Xena, she's in love with my mom!" Theophania's voice is still wracked with sobs, even after the entire run here she is still in the exact same state of shocked despair.

"... Did you not know that? I thought everyone knew that."

"You knew?!"

"She's never exactly been subtle about it. Honestly it's infuriating and we all wish she'd stop."

"Well how do I make her stop! ... She... She said I looked like my mom. She was crying!”

"Theophania..."

Xena sighs and moves her chair closer, apparently getting ready to give a crying Theophania a lecture... Everyone wants me to stop? ... It’s hard not to see the logic in it, they never seemed to like Katje much. And they never were able to see Her Majesty…

"Xena..."

Xena reaches out and pets Theophania's head, albeit rather awkwardly, like the motion isn't quite coming naturally to her. "What's broken in Serena isn't something that can be fixed from the outside. It comes from the same part of her that is so fascinating and unique, only... Something's happened to it. I abhor idle speculation, but I suspect it may have been your mother's doing."

"You... You think my mother broke Serena like this?"

"Process of elimination, really. If Pasche hurt her then she'd cry forever. If Celeste and Auguste hurt her they would be moving all the heavens to try to make it better again. If Katarina hurt her then Serena would not have survived. And if you hurt her... Well, you'd run right to me to ask me how to make it better." Xena seems oddly maternal, dealing with Theophania... Aren’t they the same age?

"Your mother's the only outlier... Unless Serena's been going after even more women I don't know about. And I doubt that, I keep my eye on her when I can."

Theophania seems to be regaining her composure somewhat under Xena's ministrations, but she’s clearly still in great distress. "... And if you hurt Serena? What would you do?"

Xena freezes in place a moment, apparently having in no way considered that... Before returning to her comforting motion. "I wouldn't. That is simply not an eventuality I need to plan for."

"Hehe, of course... You'd know how not to..."

The two take a moment of silence, processing what has just been said while side by side. It’s serene. Peaceful... And gives me a moment to process what they just said, and how it is complete nonsense! Her Majesty, harming me?! Her Majesty is a goddess! Anything she does must be the truth, anything she does must be justified! Broken... I broke me. Serena broke me by wanting more with Katje than the existence of Her Majesty would allow, it’s simply the only answer! ... Across from me, General Theodoric is looking at me with befuddlement. When I look his way he silently mouths a question.

"Serena?"

I nod, I think he could tell that they are talking about me, even if he couldn't quite understand what they’re saying. He looks upon me with no small amount of disgust, apparently he has context enough to know I made Theophania cry. And I deserve it. I deserve the scorn of this random foreigner.

"... But what do we do if we can't fix her, Xena? ... She's supposed to be my knight, I was supposed to be her princess. I thought it was finally happening for me, that someone finally cared for me! ... But all she cared about was my mother. All she wanted as a plaything that resembled my mother..."

"... She didn't try to... Force herself on you, did she, Theophania?" Xena stops again, clearly concerned about my possible atrocious behavior.

"No... It was, honestly quite the opposite-" Xena flicks Theophania on the forehead, hard, causing Theophania to recoil a little. "Owwwww! Yes, I messed up! I just... I've barely even seen her while we've been in Samnia, and we... I..."

Xena flicks Theophania again, but then relents, leaning back a little. "There is no excuse for trying to do that to a person, no matter what. Trying to use a person as nothing more than an instrument for sex is just the kind of ordinary that is the most boring thing of all..."

"I'm sorry..."

"Yeah, well... Apologize to Serena. The only reason I'm not melting you is because I'm certain she wants to forgive you. She's... Like that."

"She's very..." Both Xena and Theophania find the same word at the same time, "Serena."

I swear I see Xena smile just a little, and Theophania smiles with her... But, I was the one who tried to force myself on Theophania, wasn’t I? I mean, Theophania did push me down, she pinned my wrists, she… Got very close… She was biting me in my chair and undoing my buttons just before, but I'm the one who kissed her! And it’s hard to fault her for her other actions. She was motivated by my cruelty, by my avoidance. By my failure to be honest, I should have told her long ago about the feelings I had, she deserved to know what sinful scum I am... Theodoric is looking at me quizzically, seeing them both smile at my name is clearly confusing him. Admittedly, it’s confusing me too.

"Aaaaaaahhh, but what do I doooooooo? I still... She's still my knight! I don't want another one, I want Serena! I just... Want the Serena I met in the Palace, not the Serena who took me to Samnia..."

"Yeah, well... We all want the Serena we met before she took us to Samnia..." Xena sighs, and takes to petting Theophania's hair again. "... For what it's worth, if Serena was the kind of woman who only wanted you because you look like your mother, she'd probably have just slept with you and called it a day. I think it might actually be the opposite."

"The opposite?" Theophania is trying to do the math in her head, before coming to a conclusion. "You mean, she likes me for me... And she can't be with me because I look like my mother?"

"That sounds like the kind of idiot Serena is, doesn't it?"

"... Yeah. Yeah, that's very Serena..."

"So, maybe... Try drawing attention to the differences? You aren't your mother, Serena can clearly see that. But it might help her if you can look less like the Queen. Or at least, get Serena to look at you, and only you. Be yourself, not anything else. If you want her to love you, then don’t try to make her love things that aren’t you."

"Be myself, not anything else…” Theophania’s eyes carry a sharp and painful flicker of hope, which she quickly blinks out of existence. “You think that will work?"

"I think it will help. Whatever happened to our Serena is something a lot deeper than that. And I don't think anyone except Serena can pull herself out of it... I just wish she could see that she's been hurt somewhere along the way. Trying to convince her is like doing surgery with someone else's hands. Someone blind."

Hurt? As in, harmed? I mean, I am hurt... But I did this to myself. I am a failure, I hurt myself against Her Majesty... Katje wouldn't hurt me, would she?

"... You've given me a lot to think about... Thank you, Xena." Theophania is smiling again as she gets to her feet, looking at Xena with a clear reverence. "You're like the wise magician of my life. Only you're a cute girl and you flick my forehead sometimes."

"I'm just Xena." She speaks matter-of-factly. "... You're fascinating enough without being a fairy tale princess, you know. I wish the world hadn't bored you so, to convince you to become one."

Theophania is honest to goodness blushing, smiling earnestly as something inside her breaks again. She’s about to exit the tent, which means I have to get the heck out of here. I give Theodoric one final wave and start running. I know I have to apologize to Theophania but... Not right now. Not today...

I can't approach her now when I might hurt her smile.