The march back to Ravenna is a rather solemn affair, dalliance with Pasche notwithstanding. But at least the breakfasts have become substantially less awkward after showing Pasche how I feel, though they are substantially more awkward for Antoine knowing how I feel. It's become difficult to look at him in honesty. I know I should apologize for my outburst, and yet I still feel furious looking at him. Lazierte's death was not his fault, he had no idea there were Icenians in the area and neither did I. And yet, my blood boils and I want to scream when he calls me 'sis'. It's untenable, I don't want to be mad at my brother like this... I can never say what I should have said to Lazierte, I need to make peace with that.
And I'd found her diary on her writing desk along with that letter. It's as good a place as any to start.
Lazierte's penmanship is a lot more delicate and proper than I'd imagined from her, especially in comparison to my horrid chicken scratch. I suppose she must simply be dedicated to conveying the truth of the past, and is willing to put in the effort to ensure it's done with a steady hand.
“17th of Dumannios:
I cannot believe that braying Jackass just left me here! That utter fucking worm! First he conquers his way all the way to the Gates of Ravenna in a campaign no-one could possibly ever emulate, and then he just leaves?! And leaves me, the one who has been dealing with the brunt of his frankly embarrassing flirtations, in charge of the army?! I just do not understand him, I don't understand the things he does. How is he Serena's brother? I suppose she must have taken all the good sense in the family, along with their good looks. And all of the decency! ... He expects me to storm Ravenna with this army. A walled city whose defenders outnumber us, while the Magyars dance at our flanks, threatening to surround us. I don't even think our resident 'King of Cannons' could win this battle, no matter what stupid title he invents for himself this week. I'm starting to think he only fights in wars to be a celebrity, rather than to protect the things that matter to him... I have to withdraw. This situation is untenable, I need to fall back and wait for a better opportunity. Find good defensive ground, attrit the titanic wolf bearing down on us. Maybe this is why Antoine left.
Because this is an untenable situation and now it isn't his fault. Whatever the reason, I have to keep the army alive, I can't die in Samnia... Serena's waiting for me. I miss Serena.”
I breathe. I haven't breathed since I started reading. Her diary contains a lot of words about my brother, a great many thoughts of me... And yet nothing about Her Majesty, not a thing at all! I flip to the next entry, surely there must be something!
“18th of Dumannios:
I miss Serena…”
... I miss Lazierte too. I miss her dumb little laugh, I miss her slightly sharp hugs. I miss her improper sense of propriety. I miss her. I read on, this is all of her I have left.
”19th of Dumannios:
The Magyars were a step ahead of us today, they'd taken one of the towns on our retreat path. They however were prepared for the shattered remnants of an army on the retreat from a failure at Ravenna, but not for a cohesive, complete army, withdrawing in good order. My 505th bore the brunt of the fighting, I lost over a hundred of them. But there were almost enough surrendered Magyars to replenish their numbers, and for the rest? Well, there were local Samnians who seemed fit enough to house a soldier... Some of the soldiers outside my own regiment took to looting the town, stealing food, livestock, old jewelry and valuables... And the wives of some of the local Samnians, or at least their nights. They refused my orders to cease this atrocity, and their officers refused my order to keep their men in line. I'm not Antoine, I'm just a colonel, I have no power here. Antoine kept them in line due to their respect and reverence of the man, without him here they're falling back into bad habits... I'll need to exercise authority some other way.”
“20th of Dumannios:
I miss Serena…”
“21st of Dumannios:
I miss Serena…”
“22nd of Dumannios:
I miss Serena…”
A fair few of the entries follow that pattern, some talk about Lazierte's badly mauled forces being 'replenished' seemingly overnight, more horror stories of disobedient soldiers and obstinate officers. And more entries that simply miss me. The war had treated Lazierte so roughly. So much has been demanded of the poor girl, expected to fill Antoine's shoes. Just like me...
As I go on the horrors described only become more lurid, and the entries missing me become more frequent, until one entry, the last entry, written in a scrawled hand, catches my eye.
“29th of Rivros:
It's been over a month, but finally I have power over them. They listen to me now, they obey my commands. They don't respect me, they will never respect me, but I have no need of their respect. I have their fear. The Magyar army was starting to close in on us, the men's slovenly nature and insubordination was slowing our army and giving our enemy the chance to catch us, but I have solved both issues at once. Leather, my least favorite divine, my eternal rival, at least has her uses. Or rather, her monsters do. While the soldiers rested in camp, sharing the spoils of their looting, I had my soldiers in the 505th grab the most prominent looters, the ringleaders, as well as the officers who refused to discipline their troops. They were drugged, impaled on long wooden stakes, and assembled by the roadside like decorations. When they awoke they began to scream, some struggled and simply exacerbated their pain. Others wept, and prayed for the gods to save them. Everywhere, people asked how this could possibly have happened, what could have possibly done this. I told the men to keep moving, the impaled soldiers were going to die sooner or later and their corpses would attract ghouls, who would be able to slow traffic on the road to our enemies. They knew then that I had done this, and that they could be next. There will be no more looting, there will be no more sacking, there will be order. By any means necessary... I can never let Serena know what I have done. She won't understand and she won't forgive, this I know. She’s too delicate a flower, too good at inspiring loyalty through love rather than fear, she won't be able to comprehend the necessity of this... I miss Serena. Even if I don't deserve her.”
I close the diary and place it upon my bedside table. Lazierte was struggling with her own secrets. Her own sins that she thought were unforgivable, that I would never understand. She was tortured and hurting and I just never even realized. I was too focused on my own sins to think about absolving those of others…
I fall upon my bed, my head in my hands, the guilt has become paralyzing. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lazierte. I am so, so, so, so, sorry!"
"... What are you sorry for, my... General?"
I turn my head towards the voice, and find a sheepish-looking Theophania at the threshold of my tent. She's hesitant to get any closer, but that breaks when she sees me with tears in my eyes. She rushes over to join me on instinct, before learned behavior kicks in and she fails to sit on the bed beside me. I pat a space beside me, inviting her to sit. She does... And I hug her tightly. She's baffled, but she gently returns my embrace, still quite hesitant. Which makes sense... I have been cruel to her.
And yet, she's still so gentle with me, more than I could possibly deserve. "Serena... What are you sorry about? Why are you crying?"
... She deserves my sympathy too, my apologies. "... I've been selfish, Theophania. I've been so focused on my own sins and my own capacity for wrongdoing that I have barely spared a thought for how the people around me feel. For the sins they might be struggling with, that might need absolution... I've been cruel. I've certainly been cruel to you."
My admission gives Theophania pause, she’s having difficulty even finding a reaction to it. "You... You aren't obligated to care about me. I know I can be a handful and a half, I know I can be... Sinful. It's okay to feel your oath isn't worth it anymore, in the face of actually knowing me."
"... I want to know you, Theophania. I want to know you, sins and all. I just... I just want to look at you and see you, and not Her Majesty. I don't deserve you if I cannot see you."
There's silence… Theophania removes one of the ribbons from her hair, and gives me a curious look. "Do you really want to know my sins?"
"I do. They're a part of you, and you are important to me."
"Very well... Put your wrists together, above your head."
I do as she asks. It's a bizarre request and I do not understand it, but at this point she's owed my trust and my compliance. Slowly she takes both of my wrists in her hand, and pushes them towards the bedpost. Even more curious, almost as curious as the strange quickening of my heart. It's so delicate a touch, but that's not quite what excites me. And somehow, that excitement quickens as Theophania starts to tie the ribbon around my wrists, binding me to the bedpost.
"You know, Serena... I wasn't always destined to be a princess." Theophania's voice is low, laced with the echo of her once-dead temperament. "When I was born, I was Theophania the Ninth, future High Queen of Avernia. And I must confess, I was enchanted. As a child I'd heard stories of the old warrior kings, and I knew I wanted to be one. Hehe, I was a menace, forcing the maids to play my little games of conquest... I'd tap them with a stick and brag about being a great conqueror."
I can't help but giggle, and I can't even stifle it because my wrists are bound... Only, they aren't bound all that well. This ribbon isn't sufficient to actually stop me from moving. So I have to go out of my way to keep them in place, to not stifle my giggles, because it's clearly important to Theophania that I remain in this position.
At least Theophania sees the humor in it, giggling with me, seemingly lightening up a bit at seeing me amused. "I think they might have hated me, but you don't say no to the future Queen! ... At least until she stops being the future Queen... When my brother was born, suddenly I wasn't going to be the Queen any longer. I was just a 'Princess', and Princesses don't go about conquering things. When I'd play with the maids they'd take my stick away, and tell me that women don't play with such things. My education changed overnight, from matters of state to matters of marriage. And I started to feel empty."
Well now it's hard to keep my hands in place for a new reason. I want to hold my poor Theophania, she looks like she needs it. The best I can do from my position is to place my foot delicately upon her leg, petting her inexpertly. It looks ridiculous, it feels ridiculous, but it's the best I can do.
She places a hand on my foot, running a thumb over the top of it, and I wonder if she knows what that means because she's obviously not okay. "And, well, I sought out things that would fill that emptiness. And found my answer in fairy tales, stories where Princesses were worthy things, where they were important. Were properly loved. I was hooked, and I read them over and over again.
I'd demand new ones all the time, I think I may literally have read every single one ever written at least once. The fantasy of brave and noble knights, fighting evil monsters and saving princesses was just intoxicating to me. I knew it wasn't real, my life as a princess was nothing like those books, but it was fun to pretend... And this was fine, for a while. And then I grew up."
"You... Grew out of the fairy tales?"
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"No... I simply realized better what I liked about them. And I had to hide it... When I grew older, and... Y'know... I started thinking more on the romances in these stories, more on the Knights and Princesses, and started to wonder what exactly they did while the authors weren't writing them. I had some idea that I wasn't being told everything, and my mind raced and wandered with the possibilities. And I began to fantasize. I began to have dreams."
... Theophania has these kinds of dreams too? I thought I was the only one... Theophania looks guilty about it, is this her sin? ... Does everyone have these thoughts, and we're all just too ashamed to tell one another? Is this sin normal?
"And as I had these dreams, these fantasies, I couldn't escape the fact that I wanted to be part of them... As the Knight. Whenever I thought about having these kinds of romances, no matter how hard I tried to think otherwise, I was the knight, 'romancing' my loving Princess... I thought having a knight of my own would help me think of myself more as a princess, I'm not a knight and never can be, being a princess is what I've been told my role is. But I still dream... I still dream that I'm a knight. And... And that you're my princess."
I squeak, I can't help it. This is sad, but it's only sad because the worst, stupidest people in the world decided this was supposed to be sad. This deserves to be adorable. Adorable and uncomplicated and honestly a little flattering and maybe a little... Tempting. And all those complicated feelings come out as a confused squeak.
Theophania seems confused for a moment by my little outburst, before giving a giggle that carries an uncertainty. "... So umm... You wanted to know my sins. That's it really. A princess that dreams of being a knight. That dreams of rescuing you. Of umm... Romancing you..."
I want to admit my own sins, I want to hold her and tell her that everything she said is okay with me, that I'm the same as her. That she isn't alone, and that I don't care what the gods think, I'll not only forgive her sins but cherish them. But those aren't the words that come out of my mouth.
"Theophania... Why are my wrists bound?"
This time it's Theophania's turn to squeak, and she awkwardly rubs the back of her head. "Well... I may have... Umm... I may have a little bit thought I might maybe possibly a little bit... Show you one of my dreams?"
Oh. Oh! ... No wonder my heart was quickening... And, well, I did want to show her I cared about her, truly her and not someone else who just looks like her. I can't imagine Her Majesty ever doing this with me, this is new. It's... Entirely Theophania... I think I can do this! I know I want to do this.
"... Show me... I want to know your dreams."
"S... Serena!" Theophania's blushing now, I think she wasn't quite prepared for how excited I'd be for this. "... Alright! So, my beautiful, beloved, brilliant and... Beloved princess has been kidnapped by the Evil Wizard... Uhh, I didn't dream a name for him."
... I didn't expect this dream to be so elaborate, or to need so much preamble. Theophania still looks nervous, speaking quickly and looking about ready to dodge a sword stroke if she has to. The poor girl, she's terrified... She's never shared this with anyone before, has she? ... Or has she, and gotten a very bad reaction?
"The Evil Wizard was a long-running foe of mine. He'd kidnapped my princess before, and poisoned the livestock of a poor village nearby. Usually he'd use his Evil Wizard Magic to escape before I could slay him, but this time I threw my sword." Theophania mimed the motion of throwing a sword like a javelin, it's adorable. "And I pierced his heart! Which is the only way to defeat an Evil Wizard."
I am trying my absolute hardest to not burst out laughing, her enthusiasm and energy is possibly the most human thing I have ever seen in the entire world and I want to laugh in joy. But she's still nervous, it would probably ruin her confidence if I were to laugh, even if I was laughing with her. So I simply smile, smile really really hard.
"Anyway, so I vanquished the Evil Wizard, and rushed over to where he had my Princess held. And, well..." Theophania takes a deep breath before this part, she's about to cross a line. "She was tied to a bed, wrists bound to the bedpost and ankles spread with a long bar... A thing I don't have but also I don't know if you'd be okay with it but-"
I spread my ankles, maybe we don't have whatever this hypothetical bar thing is but I can at least let Theophania know that she's okay.
Theophania shudders upon seeing me comply, she's utterly flustered. "And, well... She... You... Were in something of a 'state of undress' you might say... Which, now I can't do because I've tied your wrists together. Dang it, I did this whole thing in the wrong order!"
She looks frustrated. I slip my hands out of the ribbon binding easily, and slip off my uniform jacket. Theophania looks a little annoyed with me... But this doesn't stop her from undoing my dress' buttons. I slip my shoulders out of the sleeves and let the dress slip down my form, forming a little pile around my waist. I'm in my undyed underthings again. I didn't expect to be enacting some grand romantic fantasy when I had sat down to read a diary so I hardly prepared for it... Maybe I should try to always be prepared for it, maybe I should wear the purple things more often. They are quite comfy.
Theophania is utterly taken with my half naked form, eyes darting across every little part of me, not wanting to miss a single detail. Slowly, almost reverently, she pulls my dress down my legs and off of me entirely, throwing it behind her with an unreasonably attractive recklessness. She follows that up by removing my brasserie, and looks longingly at my bare chest for a moment, almost entranced.
"Theophania... You can touch them if you'd like." My voice is smaller than I thought it would be, perhaps this princess role is affecting me somehow.
She looks sorely tempted, but she shakes her head, showing a great deal of restraint. "We ummm... We haven't gotten there yet... And your wrists are unbound! They're meant to be bound..."
She takes the ribbon I had slipped free from, and second ribbon from her hair, and uses both to tie my wrists back to the bedpost. Apparently she's no longer messing around... Except they're still just ribbons, I can still slip free if I really want to. But I don't. I want her touch, I'm yearning for it now. So I have to play along, she can apparently resist her urges until it is narratively appropriate to gratify them.
"Okay, where were we... Finding my princess, she's in a state of undress... Ah! I remember!" Did... Did she almost lose her place in her script? "So, naturally, being a brave and noble knight who is all upright and honorable and everything, I immediately went to untie you! But before I could, you uhh... You said 'Please... Please, my Knight. I need you to touch me!'."
She pauses, and I'm left confused, until I realize she's waiting for me to say my line. "... Please. Please my Knight. I need you to touch me."
I am not much of an actress, my line reading could use some work at the best of times. Right now, wracked with tension, and desperate for Theophania's touch, I don't think I could have given a more wooden performance. But if Theophania was upset with me she didn't show it, moving on without missing a beat.
"I remember I asked you, 'where should I touch you?', and you responded-"
"My chest!" ... Oh no, I blurted that out loud, didn't I?
"... Yes actually... Did you read my dream diary?" She looks suddenly mortified, it's too cute for words!
But it's not going to get her to touch me, I have to put her at ease. "No! No no no! ... I just, I've had these kinds of dreams before is all."
"You have?!" Far from putting her at ease, I seem to have excited her all the further. "Tell me about them! I wanna know-"
"One dream at a time, Theophania!" I don't think I can stand to wait through any more scene-setting at this point. And I think most of my dreams aren’t even possible to re-enact anyway.
"Right! So ummm... You said 'My chest' and, because I'm a brave and noble knight, and I of course do anything my princess says, I ummm... I uhhh..." There's a moment of hesitation, before she practically throws herself at me, savaging my chest with her hands and tongue.
And I squeal, and while I can't wrap my arms around her to keep her close I can ensnare her with my legs... At this point I will happily take Theophania's inexpert touch and not let her stop. But surprisingly, she's not bad at this. Not bad at all! She could still stand to bite a little harder, and be a little less gentle with her hands, but she knows what she's doing here... How does she know what she's doing here?
She slips her mouth away from my chest and looks me in the eyes, her hunger and desperation mirroring my own. "Then... Then you told me to kiss you. 'Kiss me!' you said, just like that!"
"... Kiss me!"
She does so immediately, and she's improved here too. She's not quite amazing at it, clearly not used to it yet, but at least she's no longer making the same mistakes. No more tongues pressing down my throat, she's learning! ... Is she learning from someone other than me? I'd think about it more, but that would take attention away from my precious 'kissing Theophania' time.
Reluctantly she pulls her mouth away, and slows her hands on my chest, seemingly dealing with the weight of something. "So umm... The next thing you asked me to do is... Umm... You asked me to undress. 'Let me see your skin!' you commanded."
... I want to see her skin. "Strip for me... My knight."
Theophania makes the most confused moan of her entire life. I technically flubbed my line, but she clearly found the ab-lib to be incredibly hot. Ultimately she does as I want, undoing the buttons of her white blouse, and undoing the buttons of her trousers... Red. Red underwear, nice lace, pure sin. She clearly prepared for this... But that brasserie is obscuring my view.
"Underwear too."
"S... Serena?"
"Strip!"
I'm taking things a little further off the rails, but she does as I command and is now naked before me... She's lost a little weight since joining the Samnian campaign, but that's okay. She's still utterly divine- No... She's utterly Theophania. And Theophania is gorgeous. Curvy, soft, delicate, and smiling. Smiling for me. And dear gods, her breasts are perfect! I feel a little guilty taking in the sight, having gone off script for it... But I can't not stare. I can't not marvel.
But she's owed a little more compliance for showing me such a beautiful part of herself, I try my best to get things back on track. "I umm... What did I say next?"
She thinks for a moment, as if trying to find her place in the script again, before her mouth simply forms a grin. "You told me to do whatever I want to you."
Now this I am happy to say, exactly as written. "Do whatever you want to me."
She kisses me again, closing her eyes and melting against me. I melt in turn, eyes closed, and for a moment the two of us are one being, one sensation. It's... It's so beautiful I want to cry... And then I feel a wet, warm something press against my leg and I am very much myself again. My incredibly yearning self. I move my thigh, rubbing it against her wetness, and I can feel her twitch above me. Her hips rock, grinding her against me. She clearly yearns as I do and is doing whatever she wants to me... She pulls her lips away from mine, and for a moment I am about to complain, until she adjusts herself atop me so her breasts are within reach of my mouth... I love her. I love her I love her I love her I love her-
I bite, and Theophania winces. And for a brief moment I am racked with panic. Oh gods, what if I've hurt her, what if she wants to stop, what if I've ruined this? ... What if this is what ruined things with Her Majesty-
"Again!" ... Theophania sounds so excited it cuts through my anxiety in an instant, and all I can do is obey.
Another bite, another bite, and then a flurry of kisses. My legs rub and grind against her, my ears wait for her commands, for her desires. I wish I could use my hands, to better accommodate her wants, to better touch her... But she seems to like me doing my best while only able to touch what she allows me to touch, in the ways she makes possible. And, of course, being unable to resist her touch, like her fingers gently stroking me through my underwear... I audibly swallow, I am completely at her mercy, and I think I finally understand the appeal of the bindings. No more thinking, just pleasure. Whatever pleasure Theophania sees fit to give me.
And she has a lot of pleasure to give me. It's not long until I am unwound, and going by Theophania's little scream I have to assume she's gotten there too. She's panting heavily, and drapes herself over my body, clearly utterly exhausted. Personally I could go for more, but I'll let her rest... For a little bit. Let her get her breath back, then I'll ask what else I can do for her. How else I can satisfy her wants.
Theophania's ragged breaths do not lessen. The exhaustion is merely replaced by sobs. She's crying? Oh gods, oh heck, oh fuck. What did I do? What the hell did I do this time?!
I feel a warm tear drop upon my shoulder, Theophania is shaking a little atop me. "... In the dream, this is the part where you told me that you love me. This is the part where you told me you wouldn't go... But we went off script, didn't we? ... I'm not owed my Princess' love but... But I woke up and my princess was gone again, she made promises she couldn't keep. I... I want to wake up and see you. I want to wake up and know that you love me..."
... I slip my wrists easily out of the bindings, and I wrap my arms around Theophania as tightly as I can. "Theophania? I love you... I'm going to stay."
"..."
Theophania simply continues to weep, I think she's needed to cry like this for a very long time. She's needed to hear this for a very long time. She's needed me to stay for a very long time.
She falls asleep at some point, entangled with me on the bed. I hope she has good dreams. I know she’ll find me here when she wakes up.