Hi, my name is Shauna.

I'm not anything special, just an average barmaid from a crappy little city downriver from a much nicer one.

An interesting bit of trivia is that the city of Cobble, where I’m from, was known for shoes. Well, not just for shoes. We also made boots, good ones. It’s what the city was named after, our footwear industry.

We are great at shoes but terrible at naming things, and everything was named after a shoe, boot, or foot.

It got real old, real quick.

Aside from that, though, it wasn’t a bad place. Most everyone had a job, and not many people went hungry most days.

The Mayor was great. He was a former champion until he got cursed. He always said that he had been turned into a newt when he was clearly a frog. Whenever you asked about this, he would just say that he got better. Other champions found this really funny, but the rest of us just thought he was being weird again.

Weird or not, he was a great mayor. He really was, even if he didn’t wear shoes.

Oh! Another thing about him is that he took a wife! It was an ordinary frog, and he made normal tadpoles that grew into normal frogs! His kids were everywhere.

I even had one! They were supposed to be lucky. Lucky or not, they made fantastic pets and really kept the bugs down.

I hope Hoppy (that was my frog) survived. I miss the little guy.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I’m dead… or so they say. I don’t feel dead, but it would explain a LOT.

It was those damned enchanters’ fault!

I knew letting them set up shop in town was a bad idea, even if they were enchanting boots!

I never liked them. They smelled funny and thought they were so much better than the rest of us. At least when a local made a grab at me, they knew they were being skeevy. Those assholes acted like I should be grateful for them showing an interest.

Interesting point. Enchanters are very protective of their hands which is funny, considering those are what they use to try to get a handful. Protip (a champion taught me that word) if you grab one of their fingers, they will back down real quick. They are enchanters, not sorcerers or wizards, despite how they carry on. An enchanter is no more dangerous than a scribe, especially if you have one by the ring finger (the best finger to bend).

Where was I?

Oh right. Enchanters suck, and it’s their fault I’m dead.

It seems that a lot of enchanters kept pixies. It’s downright cruel. Not only do they keep the poor things in cages, but they cut off their wings to keep them from flying off. It’s awful!

However, one day the pixies’ wings grew back. I didn’t know this, but pixies have most of their magic in their wings.

I also didn’t know how mean those little monsters could be. I didn’t even consider them monsters, really.

Boy, was I wrong about that!

Once their wings came back, as the champions say, it was on!

They set the whole city on fire!

This may come as a surprise (ha ha), but you don’t want your whole city to catch on fire, especially all at once. This makes the fire get all “angry”. I still can’t properly explain it, but suddenly all of the little fires became one big one…

…and that’s the last thing I remember until I wound up here.

It turns out that a group of something called “entities” were in a fight with the demon king and…

Oh, yeah. I forgot. We have this demon king that has been trying to take over our world for years.

It’s why the champions are here, to defeat him.

None have. Whenever a champion tries, they don’t come back.

Anyhow, it seems that even demon kings have enemies, and some of them finally found the guy. One of these entities put a spell on every person in the whole world so that if they died because of their fight, their soul would wind up here instead of in Heaven.

They say it’s because we are something called “collateral damage” and that we shouldn’t suffer because of their war.

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Weird. Oh, I’m not complaining. It’s really nice here. But whoever heard of the powers that be caring about us little people. The kings and lords don’t. The champions certainly don’t, at least most of them, anyway. Mayor Sogbottom cared. He cared enough for all of them. But most didn’t.

These entities, however, they care, really care about even me, a tavern wench and fallen woman, someone the temple matrons swore wasn’t headed to Heaven.

I guess they never heard about entities.

Zeb and Petunia (they are in charge here) say that the entities aren’t gods, but what else do you call someone who can change where you go when you die? I’m not a priest or temple matron, but that sounds kinda godlike to me. Not only does that sound godlike, it kinda sounds like they are more powerful than the “all-powerful” gods that we used to worship.

Gods or not, their afterlife is really cool, and you don’t have to go to church, donate your hard-earned coppers, or even act “morally”…

…and the other afterlife didn’t have taverns. This one does!

And what a tavern it is! I’ve seen plenty of magic and enchantments, but this place… wow!

There are magic chandeliers that you can turn the candles off and on by pressing a magic panel on the wall. There are magic chests in the kitchen that keep things cold. There are magic chests that keep things warm…

…and all of them fill by themselves. You can take all of the eggs, turn your back for a moment, and there will be more eggs! It’s crazy!

They even have magic outhouses that are inside! I'm still not too sure about that. It just doesn't seem hygenic. I suppose it doesn't matter since you just pull this little lever, and all of your business just... disappears!

That water jet that it sends up your butt takes a little getting used to, but once you do, you will never want to go without it. There is no way I'm going back home. There, you were lucky to get a fresh corncob.

Most importantly, I found this magic pitcher that never runs out of beer! Good beer! They will get that pitcher when they pry it from my cold, twice-dead hands! I have all the beer I could ever want… forever!!!

If this isn’t Heaven, I don’t know what is!

Zeb says this isn’t Heaven, and we don’t have to stay here. We can go back “once things calm down” with a sack full of gold. He will even send our souls back so we can pass on to whatever originally awaited us. (Sounds suspiciously godlike if you ask me.)

Not many people have elected to “pass on,” including some of the priests and matrons (ha!). Boy, do I love giving them a serving of crap over that! Father Hobnail (I’ve already told you we can’t be trusted with names.) says that if he didn’t know about “Blitz,” then he probably doesn’t know about God and Heaven, either. So, he’s gonna stay right here, drink beer, and eat stew.

I always liked Father Hobnail. Now that he’s quit being a priest (kinda hard to stay one when everything you preached turns out to be wrong), I know why.

He’s really funny… and he hooked up with Matron Eyelet!!! She quit being a matron, too. She now helps out in the kitchen and can cook flatbread like nobody’s business! She’s also really funny, and get this! She says that she never believed! It was just a good job! Well, I was shocked to my toes over that! Who would have thought it? I asked her if she was afraid she was going to Hell because she was faking it, and she just laughed at me. She said that if she didn’t believe in God, then she sure as heck didn’t believe in Hell. I then asked her what she expected to happen when she died, and she just laughed some more and replied, “Not this!”

Can’t argue with that. I wasn’t expecting this, either.

Anyway, they are trying to “in-process” us as fast as they can now. After all of those babies fell out of the ceiling (That was weird.), they say that there are too many of us and that we are starting to “lag” (whatever that means).

When Zeb asked me where I wanted to go, I asked if I could stay here. I like the tavern a lot, and everybody likes me and my pitcher.

Zeb says that’s fine, at least for now, but he still wanted to know my “final destination.” It turns out that this wonderful place is temporary and that it will go away once everyone is processed.

Oh, I did not like that. I didn’t like that one bit. I even got a little mad. I mean, I finally find where I want to be and my magic pitcher, and it’s all going to go away? I told him that I just wanted my pitcher and that I only wanted to pour beer and make people happy.

Zeb promised me that he would make exactly that happen, pitcher and all!

I hope he’s right. It’s not like he has any reason to lie, and I have more faith in Zeb than I ever had in the Kingdom or the church.

Well, enough lazing about. We just figured out how to make the roasting cage work, and there are scores of lovely hens to send out to the hall.

***

Oh. My. Gosh!!!

It turns out that most of the people in this weird place are “customers” who live in strange realms. I guess it’s like the champions who came to my world… I guess… But some people actually work for Blitz and keep it all running! And guess what! They need taverns, too!

Zeb just asked me if I wanted my own tavern… my own tavern!!!

I couldn’t believe it! My own tavern!

Well! I can tell you that he didn’t have to ask twice!

Zeb says that Blitz is always both expanding and shrinking. I didn’t understand everything, but he says everything wears out, even everything! Anyway, because of this, they are constantly moving, building new kingdoms and moving out of the worn-out ones.

I’m probably explaining it wrong. Like I said, I don’t really understand it myself.

What I do understand, though, is that they need towns (or something called waypoints) along the new roads they are building (or something like that).

And what does every waypoint need? That right! They need a tavern, not just a tavern, but an inn.

I’m going to be an innkeeper!!!

The only downside is that my pitcher won’t work IRL (and don’t even ask me what that means). Zeb promises me that “functionally,” it will be the same. They are something called “post-scarcity,” and that everything is free including beer!

It's a bit more complicated than "everything's free," but I won't have to buy supplies, and my customers won't have to pay for food or lodging.

That sounds a lot like "everything's free" to me (even if it isn't). I suppose I will find out what the difference is the hard way, but at least I will be able to wash that discovery down with free beer! I'll take that deal.

He also says that I will have some sort of machine that will make beer (and all sorts of other things)! So, while the inn’s pitchers may run dry, the taps won’t!

I’m fine with that!

So, I guess this is goodbye. If you are on the “road” and need a drink or a place to rest your head, drop on by.

You can’t beat my prices, and I can personally guarantee you will love the service!