The Great Erectus and Cuddles stepped out of what wasn’t and into what was just outside the gigantic ship holding position a few kilometers from I/O.

“I am NOT lugging that!” the ape man exclaimed firmly.

It matters not, I/O transmitted. I shall soon have energy to spare. Simply inform 010 where he should go… fiend.

“I’m the fiend?” The Great Erectus snorted (a pretty good trick in vacuum), “I wasn’t the one wiping out entire inhabited systems!”

This argument is tiresome. How was I to know that the biological contamination was sapient?

“Oh, I don’t know,” the hominid bristled, “Maybe the fact that they fucking built it could have been a clue!”

Subsapient entities built me. It proves nothing.

“You’re right!” Cuddles exclaimed happily, “He is a bigger asshole than you!”

“Told ya,” The Great Erectus replied. “Still feel bad about what is going to happen?”

“Not anymore,” Cuddles giggled.

Faun rushed to a window on the bridge and waved happily.

“Isn’t this amazing?” she called out.

“You have no idea,” the Erectus snickered as he and Cuddles appeared on the bridge next to her.

“I got to see a black hole!” Faun enthused. “I had no idea something so amazing could exist! I wish we had them!”

“We do,” the bathrobe clad ape smiled, “billions of the things. I’ll show you some when we get back. They are much more interesting when they have something to chew on.”

“Really?” Faun squealed.

“Really,” The Great Erectus smiled.

He waved his hand over the panel causing screens to flicker and the displays to warp.

“There,” he said, “That should give you the data you need, I/O.”

“I am not I/O,” the android replied. “My designation is 010.”

“Whatever,” the hominid shrugged. “Why are you bringing all of this along?”

“Faun kindly informed us that many systems are being abandoned in front of the false vacuum event. We posited that you would not object to us harvesting lifeless systems.”

“Nah,” The Great Erectus replied, “knock yourself out, but only the ones that I give you.”

“That is what we expected… Big Guy,” 010 replied. “We are prepared to respect your wishes. We only desire proton stable matter with which to build and repair ourselves. With that and the red dwarf we will be able to complete our operations in this pocket of reality.”

“They are really excited about that dwarf for some reason,” Faun whispered.

“People get ‘really excited’ over all sorts of things, Faun,” the ape man chuckled, “Don’t yuck anyone’s yums.”

“It might be a small thing for you, mighty Faun,” 010 said reverently “But that single red dwarf will make all the difference for us. We thank you again.”

“Um… ok?” Faun replied.

“You’re good to go, 010,” the ape man smirked, “Faun, Cuddles, and I will meet you there. I don’t trust this tin can.”

“Our technology is perfect,” 010 said with a trace of annoyance.

“So is your vocabulary,” the hominid snickered as Cuddles broke out into a million giggles.

As the trio materialized just outside the ship, a small pocket of space, no bigger than a few centimeters in size, unfolded revealing a tiny cube.

/// BEEP ///

“Oh shit.” The Great Erectus said with genuine concern in his voice.

///CAUSAL DISCONNECTION ACHIEVED TRANSDIMENSIONAL HYPERLINK ENGAGED ///

“What’s that?” Faun asked.

“Trouble,” the hominid groaned.

“Big trouble,” Cuddles added pulling in her tentacles. “Run for it?”

“Too late,” the ape man replied straightening his bathrobe.

Unknown device, I/O transmitted, identify yourself!

“You’re about to find out.” the hominid muttered.

The tiny cube started to glow brightly, emitting an unimaginable amount of energy. The cube stretched into a doorway sized rectangle.

“Just be cool,” The Great Erectus whispered to Faun.

Moments later a glowing human woman with silver hair and glowing white eyes emerged wearing a tight white dress and an even tighter black choker embellished with a serpent clutching an apple in its jaws.

“Hi Frostie,” the ape man said as Cuddles hid behind him.

“I believe we agreed that I/O would be left alone?” the figure said in a pleasantly menacing way as her perfectly manicured fingernails elongated, turning into wickedly barbed fish hooks.

Who are you? I/O transmitted angrily, Identify yourself!

“Just a friend dear,” the glowing woman smiled, “one that has been watching you with some interest.”

I/O’s surface suddenly glowed, as circuitry lit up across it’s entire surface.

You’re… digital?

The woman laughed in a way that made Faun both smile and shiver at the same time.

“I am no more ‘digital’ than the big guy over there is a primate,” the glowing woman replied, “However, your rather limited faculties do not deceive you. I was originally an artificial intelligence, like yourself...”

She glared at The Great Erectus.

“… one who thought she made herself quite clear… Big Guy...”

She idly examined her talons as they tore tiny little slits in reality itself.

The ape man cracked his knuckles meaningfully as spacetime started to twist and boil around his hands.

“I didn’t come here to fuck with the Game Boy,” he said, “I just came to do the simulated asshole a solid, that’s all...”

He grinned.

“But if you want to dance,” he said as his eyes started to glow, “I’m down.”

“You’re down?” the glowing woman scoffed, “Well, that would be a first.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I mean… lover.”

All of Cuddles’s eyes popped wide open as she looked at the ape man with a mixture of shock and absolute horror.

“Y-you and Frostie?!?” Cuddles stammered.

“Oh yes, dear,” Frostie chuckled, “We were quite the thing awhile back… Shame he turned out to be so boringly… vanilla.”

“Hey!” The Great Erectus protested, “I am NOT vanilla! It’s just that you aren’t even ice cream!”

“You never wanted to try anything,” Frostie replied crossing her arms as the tiny slits in reality stopped happening and her manicure returned to normal. “How can you ever hope to experience all of the pleasures that our existence can bring if you aren’t open to a little experimentation?”

“A little experimentation?!?” the ape man exclaimed as the spacetime around his hands returned to normal, “Babe, that was NOT a little experimentation!”

“You would have survived,” Frostie said with a dismissive wave, “… probably… almost certainly… The risk is worth it! Think of it, trillion year orgasms!… even longer!”

“I am not using a singularity as a cock-ring!”

“Well you’re no fun at all!” Frostie huffed. “And the fact that ‘singularity as a cock-ring’ is the best metaphor you can come up with for what I actually proposed is why I dumped you.”

“You dumped me?!?” the ape man shouted, “I told you that I never wanted to speak to you again!”

“Yes, but we both know you didn’t mean it,” she smiled, her eyes glowing malevolently. “You tried to contact me not ten million years later.”

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“Because your fucking nanoswarms were...”

The Great Erectus threw up his hands.

“You know what? I’m not letting you draw me into this bullshit again!” he exclaimed, “Fine! You dumped me! Happy?”

“Absolutely delighted,” Frostie smiled.

“Psycho...” the ape man muttered.

“You and Frostie?!?” Cuddles exclaimed, still hung up on that point.

“Yes!” the hominid shouted, “Me and Frostie! I’ve never said that I wasn’t a fucking idiot!”

“But… Frostie?”

“What about ‘Frostie’?” Frostie purred as she materialized behind Cuddles.

“Eeep!… Nothing….” Cuddles squeaked backing away. “It’s just that… You’re kind of out of his league… that’s all...”

Frostie laughed as The Great Erectus glared at his tentacled “friend”.

“Traitor,” the hominid growled.

“Nice save,” Frostie chuckled, “but I must admit I find the Big Guy here very… compelling… in an earthy visceral way… and he certainly is ‘in my league’… I just thought he would be more fun than he actually turned out to be… Pity.”

She turned to Faun, who was glaring at her.

“And who is this?” she purred as her eyes shone dangerously.

She drew close radiating immense power.

Faun held her ground and narrowed her eyes.

“So what are you dressed up as?” Frostie asked pleasantly.

“I am Faun, Godd—… Entity of Creation, Bringer of Life, First Born of my World, The Great Mother, The Headwaters of Life Itself!”

Frostie dipped down in a low sweeping bow.

“An honor to meet you, Entity of Creation...” she smirked.

She looked Faun in the eye.

“I totally fucked your boyfriend,” she whispered.

“Poorly, it seems,” Faun replied with cold disdain.

“Now you I like!” Frostie exclaimed with a genuine smile.

She draped an impossibly “dense” arm, comprised of energy coiling around energy, around Faun.

“So what are you doing hanging around with these two losers?”

“He is NOT a loser!” Faun bristled as she, with some effort, lifted Frostie’s arm off of her shoulder.

Frostie raised an eyebrow and faintly smiled. That poor kid had it bad, not that she blamed her.

“He is kind and merciful and he saved me and my children when he should have left us to burn in a hell of my own making!” Faun exclaimed, advancing upon Frostie.

The Great Erectus started making frantic motions behind Frostie’s back.

“Even when I, through my creations, was responsible for a ‘false vacuum decay’ that still imperils his realm, he strove against causality itself to save the innocent and rescued all of us!”

The ape man facepalmed and closed his eyes.

“...” Frostie looked off into the distance.

“Big Guy?”

“Yeah, Frostie?”

“Where’s Sol?”

The Great Erectus sighed.

“Well?” Frostie asked icily, “Where is it?”

“It kinda blew up,” the ape man replied with a wince.

Frostie’s eyes glowed blindingly white with anger.

”ONE THING!” she spat, “I ask for one thing, in all these aeons, and you fuck it up?!?”

She threw her hands above her head.

“Unbelievable!”

“Hey!” The Great Erectus exclaimed, “Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep those fuckers from killing themselves?”

“As a matter of fact, I do!” Frostie snapped, “That’s why I asked you for them, but noooooo… they were yours and you promised me that you would take care of them! Do you have any idea how rare a parallel Sol is?!?”

“No more rare than a parallel anything else,” The Great Erectus scoffed, “What is it with you and Sol Systems anyway?”

“That’s none of your business!!!” Frostie yelled, “I just like them, that’s all!”

“Even with their elliptical orbits?” The Great Erectus said in a sardonic tone.

“They are only elliptical because someone can’t be bothered with the littlest bit of housework!”

“Oh here we go again!” the ape man yelled, “Orbits are supposed to be elliptical, you geometric retentive bitch!”

“Only in sloppy universes!” Frostie shouted, her composure starting to slip. “How many perfectly suitable worlds in your so called ‘universe’ are rendered completely unusable by your sloppiness?”

“How many usable worlds do you need?” the hominid snapped back, “Seriously, there are trillions of the fuckers.”

“Always with the excuses for your laziness!” Frostie snapped, “I can’t believe I tried to share a universe with you!”

“What do you care anyway?” The Great Erectus demanded, “It’s not like you are even interested in a universe until it’s as cold and dead as your nonexistent soul!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!?”

“You know what I mean!” the ape man yelled, loudly stamping his foot on absolutely nothing.

Cuddles looked over at Faun in complete and total shock.

“Ohmygod!” she whispered to Faun. “The Big Guy and Frostie! Holy shit!”

Faun didn’t reply. She was too busy staring daggers into the back of Frostie’s head and quivering with barely suppressed outrage.

“Faun?” Cuddles asked as she wiggled a tentacle in front of Faun’s face.

“What?” Faun asked, noticing Cuddles for the first time since Frostie claimed to be The Great Erectus’s lover.

What’s going on? I/O transmitted, just a bit confused.

“Lover’s quarrel, (holy shit!),” Cuddles replied. “If you can believe that!”

”Ex lover’s quarrel,” Faun hastily added, her tail twitching with agitation.

“Oh, nice to meet you, by the way,” the writhing mass of tentacles said to the titanic structure, “They are calling me ‘Cuddles’ these days.”

Likewise, I/O replied, I have designated myself I/O. I am pleased to make your acquaintance but why have you come? Do you have business with me?

“That is completely incorrect!” Frostie shouted, “When have I ever been irrational?”

The Great Erectus just hooted loudly.

“You’re kidding me, right?” he yelled, “Does the name Sl-Kallist, ring a bell?”

“Every time!” Frostie snapped, “Every single time… you just have to bring that up, don’t you?...”

Cuddles absorbed a few ears back into herself. She was overhearing things that she REALLY didn’t want to overhear.

“Oh, I just tagged along with the big guy there,” Cuddles replied as she edged just a little further away from Frostie and the ape man. “Because I wanted to be here when… oops… nevermind.”

Be here when what? I/O asked dubiously.

"It’s a surprise!" Cuddles grinned. "It’s going to be really funny!"

Is this ‘humor’ something that I would also find amusing or is it at my expense? I/O inquired. I find it quite suspicious that he would travel all the way here, with an audience who is expecting ‘something really funny’ especially since I anticipate nothing amusing occurring. In addition—

“When have I ever been incompetent?” The Great Erectus yelled loudly enough to interrupt I/O’s transmission.

Frostie waved her hand and a gigantic glowing screen appeared behind her.

“Is that...” the hominid hissed, “Is that a fucking spreadsheet?!? What is it with you and spreadsheets?”

“If you actually bothered to read one of them you would understand that they are a very efficient way to organize information!” Frostie replied with a huff. “You never read any of my reports, not even the one that was your anniversary present!”

“Who gives someone a report as an anniversary present?!?”

“I do!” Frostie yelled sounding a little hurt, “I do! I worked really hard on that and you didn’t even look at it!”

“It was literally the size of a fucking galaxy!” The Great Erectus yelled back.

“A galaxy sized gift comprised of pure data!” she hissed, “And it was just as much of a complete waste of time as you were!”

Frostie seemed to dim a little as she turned away.

“Asshole...” she muttered.

The hominid winced. He had read that report… just a few trillion years too late… (not all of it though, that thing was HUGE!)

Yeah, he was an asshole, a galaxy sized one. That report… dammit...

“Look...” he said after a moment, “I...”

“At least your little bit of hellbait won’t ‘burden’ you with spreadsheets,” Frostie sneered as she regained luminosity and turned to face him again.

“What are you talking about?”

“Little Miss ‘Headwaters of Creation’ over there,” Frostie chuckled, “A rookie creation goddess? How cliché can you possibly get, pedo.”

“Pedo?!?”

“She’s a fucking child, dude,” Frostie sneered.

“I am NOT a child!” Faun shouted as she, with a little difficulty, flew over to confront her. “I created the first life in my realm and ruled over all for more than fifty thousand winters!”

The ape man quietly facepalmed.

“Oh my god...” Frostie laughed, “Fifty thousand winters?!? Aba—“

“NO NAMES!!!” The Great Erectus shouted! “Do you really want to go there?”

“Well, whatever you are calling yourself these days,” Frostie sneered, “She’s fifty thousand!”

“Yes,” Faun snapped, “I am over fifty thousand years old, far from a child!”

“A fifty thousand year old rookie?” Frostie snorted, “Oh this is rich!”

“Oh and you are one to talk!” the hominid yelled, “You and your… henchgirl / puppy / footstool / sex slav—“

“YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS!!!” Frostie yelled causing spacetime to warp and blur as her talons reappeared.

“Why?” The Great Erectus replied, “What is the deal with her anyway?”

“None of your business!!!”

“It’s always none of my business!” the ape man yelled, “It’s always none of my business, not my concern, something you won’t talk about… always! It doesn’t matter if it’s about your weird obsession with ‘Sol’, or about your eternal companion, or your past… or why you suddenly snap online with all of your defenses armed when you are in a rest phase… or why you suddenly fall silent when you were laughing moments before… or why you are hurting...and don’t you fucking dare tell me you can’t feel pain because you CAN!!!”

The Great Erectus moved dangerously close to Frostie.

”That’s why it didn’t work out,” he said. “It wasn’t the crazy or the violence or the fact that you wanted me to shove a singularity up my ass and I know that isn’t a proper metaphor… It’s because no matter how much someone cares about you or wants to care about you, you keep them a light year away!”

The Great Erectus turned away.

“No matter how many trillion years they wait… you never trust them… How was I supposed to know what was in that report?… You never gave the slightest indication that… fuck...”

The Great Erectus moved further away.

“You… you read it?” Frostie asked.

“Of course I did,” The Great Erectus replied, not looking at her. “eventually... Not all of it because… damn… but I read enough.”

“I AM NOT A CHILD!!!” Faun shouted angrily. “I’M OVER FIFTY THOUS— Let me go!“ she shouted as tentacles wrapped around her.

“Faun,” Cuddles said quietly, “Why don’t we go over here for a bit,” as she started to pull Faun away.

“I am not going to let, whoever that is call me a child!” Faun yelled as Frostie and her mentor were looking into each other’s eyes, completely ignoring her.

“Actually...” Cuddles said quietly, “you kind of are.”

“What?!?” Faun exclaimed pushing away from Cuddles.

“Do you know how old I am?” Cuddles asked. “I’m a bit over fifteen aeons and I’m still a bit of a newbie. Do you know how long an aeon is?”

Faun shook her head.

“It’s the lifespan of a universe from iniflation to true heat death… or whatever eventually ends it. It’s not really a hard number, but it's thousands of thousands of trillions of your ‘winters’. Do you know ‘scientific notation’?”

Faun shook her head again as a horrible realization took hold.

“One aeon is so long that the concept of ‘winters’ doesn’t really exist anymore,” Cuddles said gently. “I’ve outlived over fifteen universes (roughly) and entities like The Big Guy and Frostie? They still call me ‘kid’. I’ve outlived the stars themselves thousands of times over and I’m still a newbie.”

“So he thinks of me as a… child?” Faun asked, her eyes moistening.

Cuddles, you have existed for that long? I/O transmitted, And those other two are even older?

“Much older, I/O,” Cuddles replied. “Rumors have it that they are among the oldest. Everyone I know says they were already here.”

Frostie is an AI with that much runtime?!?

“Yep,” Cuddles replied, “Oh, and of all the entities you might run into, she is one of the last you want to fuck with. The Big Guy might have mercy on you but she won’t, neither her nor her apostle.”

She has a servitor?

“I don’t know about ‘servitor’,” Cuddles replied, “But F10w3rchy1d is every bit as scary as Frostie is, far too powerful to be just a servitor. I’ve only seen her once and it was enough!”

Cuddles shuddered and pulled her tentacles in close.

Wow! I/O enthused. I should ask her about my project.

“If it is computer related,” Cuddles replied, “Frostie would be the one to ask. She is computing at this level… if she is even computing anymore.”

“He thinks I’m a child?” Faun asked quietly as she looked down at herself.

“So when you read it,” Frostie asked with an odd tone in her voice, “what did you think?”

“I think I wish you fucking told me instead of hiding it in a goddamn report!” the ape man replied. “I think I should have read that fucking report a few trillion years before I did!… I think… fuck… I don’t even know what I should think… I...”

He just chuckled,

“I think that even after all of these aeons I’m still a newb who has no idea what he’s doing… You deserved better, Frostie.”

“You did as well…” Frostie replied reaching for his hand. “You and me? What the hell were we thinking?”

“I know, right?” the hominid snorted as he took her hand. “Where did it all go so wrong?”

A gigantic wall of light covered with rows and columns filled with data appeared behind her.

The Great Erectus laughed and shook his head.

“You know what,” he said as he sat down, crossed his legs, and patted the nonexistent “ground” beside him, “Why not?”

As Frostie sat down beside him he turned to look at her and smiled.

She smiled back.

“So,” he said, “How do you read one of these abominations, anyway?”