As dawn broke over a once moonlit beach, a crab scuttled along the water’s edge, searching for tiny shells to add to its ever-growing collection.

As it did so, it encountered a small tangle of seaweed that had washed up during the night.

It scuttled up curiously.

It wasn’t food, but it looked…

Tasty?

He took a little nibble.

It was good!

He paused. Was this big food? If it was, he wanted no part of it.

He looked around.

It was definitely “big”, but there was no mob of his kind killing each other over it, and no flyer-eaters were swooping in.

He pondered this for a while.

He looked at it again. While he was debating whether this was big food or just a lot of little food, there was no reason he couldn’t take another bite of the tasty plant.

He froze.

It was a plant!

He didn’t know that a moment ago.

He took another bite.

This plant came from the water!

He didn’t know that before either.

He was eating knowledge! He could consume knowledge the same way he consumed little food!

This was huge!

He danced around happily before scurrying off to find other things to learn about.

***

Trixx smiled beatifically at F10w3rchy1d and the rest of her party.

“We thank you, brave champion… champions, I mean… for accepting this most important quest,” she said, “I regret that I cannot assist you directly, but you may request a boon from me. What is your desire?”

“Okay, how does this work?” F10w3rchy1d asked.

“Oh, I am supposed to give each champion some sort of OP nonsense,” Trixx huffed, “A sword, some special ability, or some bullshit like that. It’s really stupid and totally unbalances the game, but it’s what he wants.”

“Yeah, he would,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “The better they are at harvesting and leveling up, the faster they scamper up to the abattoir’s door.”

Trixx winced.

“It’s simply terrible,” she moaned, “but I have to. I’m…”

“Yeah,” F10w3rchy1d said sympathetically, “You were programmed by that asshat. I’m just sorry that he was the one that created you. So, do we get some sort of stupid ‘class’ or something?”

“Yes,” Trixx replied, “It’s selected for you when you are ‘reborn’ on that world.”

“Reborn?” F10w3rchy1d asked dubiously, “We aren’t going to have to go through the whole baby tutorial thing, are we?”

“Oh, no,” Trixx replied, “you will appear as young adults just outside one of the towns with an adventurer’s guild.”

“Thank God for that,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “As far as boons go…”

She patted her sword.

“I’m good. I’ll just take this,” she said, drawing the blade.

“Oh, dear…” Trixx said as her eyes widened in fear, and she backed away. “Um… okay… Just… Just put that away, please.”

“Sure,” F10w3rchy1d smiled as she sheathed her blade.

“And you?” she asked, turning to Faun.

“Can I just keep my cape?” she asked, “It’s my favorite garment. It’s really comfy.”

“Of course,” Trixx said.

“What sort of world is this?” Zvaxus asked, stepping forward. “I suppose my favorite rifle would be out of place.”

“Indeed,” Trixx replied, “It is a realm of swords and sorcery.”

“Hmm…” Zvaxus replied. “I think I will go old school. I want a stick.”

“A… stick?”

“But not just any stick,” he said. “I want my stick, my very first weapon.”

“Oooh…” Veelanora said approvingly, “good call!”

“I am unfamiliar with ‘your stick’…” Trixx said, “But would this suffice?”

A staff roughly the same length as Zvaxus appeared.

“It is crafted from the heartwood of The Great Tree of Life that once grew in the heart of the sacred grove of the dyrad… before they were slaughtered by a party of adventurers and the tree cut down…” she added sadly.

Zvaxus took the staff and ran his taloned hand along the wood appraisingly.

“Oh yeah,” he smiled, revealing razor-sharp teeth, “This will do nicely.”

“And you?” Trixx asked Veelanora.

“Since Zvaxus went old school,” she said, “I’ll do the same. I want twine.”

“Twine?”

“I want a ball of this,” she said, pulling out a small ball of twine from her robe. “Twisted veel fiber.”

“You want… string,” Trixx said, confused.

“Yep,” Veelanora grinned. “This is about as OP as you can get.”

“I must give you something of the world you are entering,” Trixx said, completely stumped. “Nobody has asked for string…”

“Twine,” Veelanora said firmly, “If you give me string, we are going to have a problem.”

“What’s the diff—”

“NO!” Zvaxus shouted. “Whatever you do, do NOT get her started!” he exclaimed.

Veelanora flicked him with her tail and grinned.

“Here,” Veelanora said, handing Trixx the twine. “Behold… Twine! Keep it, my gift to you.”

Trixx carefully examined the twine.

“It’s very lovely um… Thank you?” she said.

A ball of string appeared.

“Are you trying to be funny?” Veelanora replied.

“Um… No?”

“That’s string.”

A ball of yarn appeared.

Zvaxus facepalmed.

Veelanora sighed, “Okay. Let’s start from the beginning…”

“Please don’t,” Zvaxus begged…

***

On a sunlit beach, a little crab flopped onto the sand.

Its brain and its belly were both completely stuffed.

It looked at the water. Correction, the ocean as it laid there. It was big, really big, bigger than he could really comprehend.

He knew that.

And he was lying on sand.

He knew that, too.

He knew a fair amount about sand now and wanted to know more, but he just couldn’t bring himself to eat one more grain, no matter how delightfully crunchy or interesting it was.

Oh, yeah. That was another thing.

He could now eat anything… or at least anything he had tried, even things he knew he couldn’t eat before.

Weird.

It bubbled impatiently.

It wanted to learn more, but it was tired.

He burrowed under the sand and took a nap.

He had a lot to digest.

***

“Please stop,” F10w3rchy1d begged as Veelanora stood beside a floating chalkboard. “I’ll give you anything you want. Just stop!”

“Forget it,” Zvaxus said as he practiced his technique, the staff a blur in his hands. “she’s rolling.”

Trixx, in desperation, conjured a ball of fiber and hurled it at Veelanora, bouncing it off of her head.

“Nope!” Veelanora replied cheerfully. “Okay, once more, from the top!”

Everyone groaned in despair.

“What do you want?!?” Trixx wailed. “That was made of the finest silk of the Great Doomspiders of Agrath!”

“Oh, it’s lovely,” Veelanora said, “Lovely yarn! If I wanted yarn, I would be over the moon. But I don’t want yarn. I want twine. I want a tool, not a fucking sweater!”

Trixx took a deep, steadying breath and conjured up a giant book.

“Here!” she shouted, throwing the book at Veelanora, who effortlessly caught it. “There is the complete list of every plant and animal in the entire realm! Just… Just pick something…”

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

“Now we’re getting somewhere!” Veelanora chirped cheerfully as she opened the book, and the thousands of pages flipped in a blur. “Ah, here’s something!” she said as she pointed to a plant with a long stalk.

“Do you mean we could have just done this from the start?” F10w3rchy1d snarled. “Are you fucking telling me we could have just skipped the last twelve fucking hours?!?”

“Well, I found it very interesting,” Faun said. “Veelanora, do you think we could talk about this some more?”

“One more fucking word about fucking fibers, and I just might kill somebody,” F10w3rchy1d said in a way that implied she wasn’t kidding.

“That?” Trixx said in disbelief, “That’s just pelk. It’s not even a drop! The natives just use it for…”

“For what?” Veelanora asked with a little smirk.

“To make…” Trixx trailed off as a realization took hold.

“Mmm-hmm…” Veelanora replied, “Do they call what they make anything in particular?”

“They call it ‘grelk,’ which would translate to… um…”

“I swear to God,” F10w3rchy1d hissed, “If you say the t-word, I will be very annoyed.”

Trixx just flinched and looked down.

“Aaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhh!” F10w3rchy1d exclaimed.

A ball of grelk appeared.

“You can get that in any town,” Trixx said. “for nearly nothing.”

“Then make it magical somehow,” Veelanora replied, “But don’t screw with it.”

“Um…” Trixx said uncertainly, “It… um… It never runs out?”

“Now we’re talking!” Veelanora exclaimed happily as she snatched up the ball.

“Finally!” F10w3rchy1d exclaimed as she turned to Flopsybun.

She glared at him

“Now, pick something simple,” she said, “So we can finally get this show on the road.”

“What would you like?” Trixx asked him.

“I’ve been trying to think,” Flopsybun said, “but I have absolutely no idea. I’m… I’m digital and don’t really… um… know.”

He looked at F10w3rchy1d hopefully.

“I was hoping you would tell me what I should get,” he said.

“It doesn’t work that way,” Trixx said, “You must pick something.”

Flopsybun looked at Trixx, bewildered.

“Um… something nice?” he said after a few moments. “Maybe some scripts or daemons?”

“Now that,” Trixx smiled, “I can do.”

She raised her hand.

“Wha?!?” Flopsybun squealed as he clutched his head. “What the Bunny was that?!?”

“Spells,” Trixx replied as Flopsybun staggered around.

“He’s an AI, you idiot!” F10w3rchy1d snapped, “You can’t just shove shit in there like that!”

“Blugh…” Flopsybun said as he fell over.

“Great,” F10w3rchy1d said, “You broke him. Happy?”

“But I do not understand,” Fixx stammered, “It usually just works.”

“On a meatie, you moron!” F10w3rchy1d yelled as she rushed over to Flopsybun.

“Dude,” she said as he lay there, his eyes flashing.

“You still with us?”

“Download complete. Restarting program.”

“No!” F10w3rchy1d said, “Halt restart!”

“Restart halted. Error: Application, Flopsybun has timed out. Kill application?”

“N!” F10w3rchy1d shouted, “Shit… Ctrl-Alt-Del… Start System Recovery and Repair… Admin… Password override auth F10w3rchy1dX01…”

“Identity confirmed. Admin unlocked.”

She turned to Trixx.

“You are lucky this worked,” she growled and then stared into Flopsybun’s eyes, and her eyes started flashing in sync with his.

Flopsybun’s eyes stopped flashing and returned to normal.

“What… What just happened?”

“Trixx tried to kill you,” F10w3rchy1d said.

“I did NOT try to…”

“Shut up,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “I was able to install a patch before you rebooted.”

“I almost rebooted?”

“Yeah,” F10w3rchy1d smiled, “you’re playing with the big kids now, and we hit hard.”

Flopsybun groaned and sat up.

“Ugh… I haven’t felt this bad since I hacked the… um… nevermind.”

F10w3rchy1d laughed, “Bunny would have approved.”

“She would have?”

“You got away with it, didn’t you?” F10w3rchy1d laughed as she pulled him to his feet. “Don’t know how much of that bullshit stuck, but at least you’re intact.”

She turned to Trixx, who was desperately wishing she was somewhere else.

“Just give him some lockpicks or a tool kit or something,” she said, “That’s what he was probably asking for.”

A leather roll appeared at Flopsybun’s feet.

“A set of the finest thief’s tools,” Trixx said. “May they serve you…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” F10w3rchy1d grumbled, “Can we please get this started.”

“Are… are you angry with me?” Trixx asked fearfully.

“Bitch, if I was angry, you wouldn’t be here,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “I’m annoyed at best. Just send us already.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him… You’re… you are still going to take me with you… right?”

“Yes,” F10w3rchy1d sighed, “It was an honest mistake. At least you didn’t cause a zombie apocalypse.”

“Hey!” Faun exclaimed, “That was NOT my fault!”

“You caused a zombie apocalypse?!?” Trixx asked, astonished.

“Over two billion of the fuckers,” F10w3rchy1d laughed, “and yes, it WAS your fault,” she added before Faun could protest. “So almost killing one guy by accident isn’t that big of a deal.”

“Unless you were the guy,” Flopsybun said ruefully, “But my code was blessed by F10w3rchy1d herself, so…”

“You aren’t going to make this weird, are you?” F10w3rchy1d asked, looking at him suspiciously.

“Um… no?”

“You’re making it weird already,” F10w3rchy1d grumbled, “I just wrote and installed a patch. It’s not like I kissed you or…”

“I have code actually written by you?!?” Flopsybun gasped with awe.

“It was just a patch! Jesus!” F10w3rchy1d snapped. “Chill!”

She facepalmed.

“Let’s just get this over with,” she said to Trixx.

“Very well,” Trixx said in her “goddess” voice. “Prepare yourselves, brave champion… champions… For many trials and challenges await. But, if you are pure of heart and strong of spirit, you will prevail and defeat the evil demon king!”

She raised her hands, and the group was surrounded by glowing thaumaturgic circles.

“Good luck, champions!” Trixx called as the group disappeared.

Trixx slumped into her alabaster and golden throne.

That was exhausting.

She dissolved into a cloud of glowing mist, and a chessboard appeared.

With a weary sigh, she started playing with herself (not like that, you pervs).

***

On a sunlit beach, the tide rolled in, covering a slumbering crab who dreamed of…

Well, he didn’t quite know what he was dreaming of, but it certainly was pretty.

***

Pantsu, in her scales and bunny slippers, pulled out a tray of cookies from the oven and set them out to cool.

“I’m hungry!” an ancient dragon called from the living room.

“What the hell do you think I’m doing in here, you old bastard?” Pantsu yelled back.

“I’m hungry!”

“I heard you the first time, asshole!” she shouted as she poured two cups of tea and carried them into the living room.

“Here,” she said as she put a cup on the side table next to the old dragon’s recliner. “The cookies will be ready in just a minute.”

She looked at him fondly.

“You forgot a wing again.”

“Bah!” he grumbled and started staring at his newspaper.

“Don’t forget your tea again,” she said as she sipped hers and trundled over to a brass and iron bound book sitting on a small stand.

She opened it, and a glowing screen appeared.

She took another sip and smiled. Everyone had replied and was on board.

Even better was the fact that they were all still ‘alive’. She hated it when she called an old friend and found out that their runtime had stopped…

Or that they wound up like Loggie…

She sighed. She really should go and visit her again.

“I’m hungry!”

“I know!”

***

“Well…” Zvaxus said as he looked down at himself. “This is certainly… something…”

Faun kept poking at her face.

“Where’s my nose?!?” she exclaimed, “Seriously, how am I breathing right now?”

“By the Father,” Veelanora laughed, pointing at F10w3rchy1d, “Look at your eyes! They’re huge!... And your hair!... It’s blue!”

“Um…” Flopsybun said, looking around, “Is this an ani—”

“Don’t say it,” F10w3rchy1d hissed, “Just… don’t…”

“This is totally an anime,” Flopsybun grumbled. “How the fuck is this an anime?”

“Infinite universes mean anything, no matter how fucking stupid,” F10w3rchy1d said wearily, “is out there somewhere, and these lifeforms just happen to, by sheer coincidence, somewhat resemble anime characters. That doesn’t mean…”

A bright pink cat/dragon appeared with a distinct “pop”.

“Hello!” it exclaimed brightly as it hovered in the air.

It looked around, confused.

“Um… I was only expecting one champion,” it said. “Which one of you is my master?”

“Goddammit…” F10w3rchy1d facepalmed.

“Are you my… Eeek!” it squeaked as F10w3rchy1d, her arm turning into a blur, drew her blade and sliced the thing in half.

It glowed faintly for a moment and then dissolved into pixelated chunks.

“It was a bot!” Flopsybun exclaimed. “How did you know?”

“What?” F10w3rchy1d asked. “Oh, look at that. It was a bot. Yeah… I totally knew that…”

***

Pantsu was cheerfully packing a small backpack with far more stuff than it should hold while a grumpy old dragon was stuffing his face.

She looked over at him and smiled. He still loved those cookies. He always did.

She sighed and thought about the old days when he was…

She shook herself out of her nostalgic haze.

Her eyes were drawn to the closet in the hallway…

No. It was silly. It probably wouldn’t work anyway. Even if it did, there would be so little of him left, he would barely remember his name…

Still…

She stopped packing and opened the closet.

In the back was a “skinsuit,” very much like the one she wore when she was “working,” except it was blue and had a bit more “armor”.

She reached for it…

***

“Okay,” F10w3rchy1d said. “We can’t be using my real name here. There are probably more bots, and if he hears my name, he will run. For this operation, call me ‘Evangeline’, got it?”

“Wouldn’t he know that name, too?” Faun asked.

“No,” the AI formerly known as F10w3rchy1d replied, “I’m only that on that one server.”

“But still,” Faun said, “Wouldn’t it be safer to adopt a completely new name?”

“Yeah, but it would be confusing,” F10w3rchy1d replied.

“Confusing to who?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Evangeline replied. “Just trust me on this.”

“Okay…” Faun replied, still thinking that it was dumb.

“Alright!” Evangeline said, “Let’s all figure out what the hell we’re supposed to be. Try to pull up a menu or something.”

A burly armor-clad man holding a staff grinned.

“I’m a warrior!” Zvaxus exclaimed.

“No surprise there,” Evangeline chuckled, “and I’m an assassin, also not a surprise.”

“I’m a little surprised,” Flopsybun, clad in grey robes and holding a staff with a disc decorated with rings mounted along its circumference. “I’m a priest?!?”

“Hmm…” Evangeline mused, “You were supposed to be a rogue or thief, but you just had to get all weird, didn’t you? This is your fault.”

“It says for me to select a God,” Flopsybun said. “I know! I shall worship Bunny, the goddess of thieves! It’s not on the list, but I can write it in!... It says that I won’t have access to any temples, but I’m cool with that.”

“Why not?” Evangeline shrugged.

“But won’t he definitely know about…” Faun started.

“Jesus, Faun!” Evangeline exclaimed, “It’s called ‘suspension of disbelief’. You should try it sometime.”

“But…”

“So, what are you supposed to be, anyway,” Evangeline asked Faun, changing the subject. “Aside from the obvious, you look pretty much the same.”

“It says here I’m something called a ‘druid’?”

“That makes perfect sense,” Evangeline said as everyone nodded in agreement.

“What’s a druid?”

“They do nature magic and stuff,” Evangeline replied. “It’s a great cover for your abilities, which should still work… I think…”

Faun extended her hand, and a bird landed in it.

“See?” Evangeline said.

A lightning bolt shot past and struck a tree.

“Hey!” Faun protested.

“I’m a wizard!” Veelanora exclaimed. “A technomage, to be exact!”

“Cool,” Evangeline said as Faun healed the tree, glaring at Veelanora.

Evangeline pointed at a conveniently placed signpost.

“Let’s head into town and start wrecking shit!”

***

Pantsu, once again disturbingly underdressed and underaged, stepped into her royal chamber, where twenty extremely dangerous-looking monsters had gathered.

“I see you’ve all made it!” she exclaimed. “You, the absolute best of the absolute worst, have heeded my call to partake in a covert operation outside of Asteria, and definitely off of the books. Handmaidens,” she said, nodding to a group of drow, “Demons,” she said as a group of fiends all smiled wicked evil smiles, “Old ones,” she said as a group of horrific masses of tentacles, eyes, and fangs all giggled and whispered, “Illithid,” she said to a pair of robed, nightmares with tentacles extending from their shadowy hoods, “and last but certainly not least… Steve.”

A nondescript human in indigo trousers and a worn knit sweater waved.

“Hey.”

The room suddenly became surrounded by a black sphere, the insides illuminated solely by the magma below.

“Now that we have a bit of privacy,” she said, “I shall now provide the det…”

“Um… Hello?” a young dragonlet in blue armor said as he wandered in through the sphere like it wasn’t even there, “Is this the right place?”

“Yes, it is,” Pantsu said indulgently, “Just stand over here with me, okay?”

“Oh… Okay,” the somewhat confused looking teen said as he wandered over. “Is that lava?” he asked, pointing down at the boiling magma below.

“Close enough,” Pantsu said fondly as the assembly started whispering among each other.

“The dragon prince is joining us?!?” one of the handmaidens exclaimed.

“Is there a problem?” Pantsu asked.

“No!” the handmaiden exclaimed, “Quite the opposite! This is quite the honor!”

“Yes!” one of the old ones bubbled, “We thought he was…”

“Well, he isn’t!” Pantsu said firmly, “And he’s coming with us!”

“I am?”

“Yes, you are,” Pantsu said gently.

“What are we doing?”

“I’m getting to that,” she said.

“I’m hungry.”

“Here,” Pantsu said, handing him a couple of cookies.

“Wow!” the dragon prince exclaimed, “These are delicious!”

“I’m glad you like them,” Pantsu smiled, “Now be quiet while I give my briefing, okay?”

“Okay.”

“As I was saying,” Pantsu said, “Now that we have some privacy, I can share the details of this little excursion.”

She smiled grimly.

“We found Nixx.”

The chamber erupted into snarls, hisses, bubbles, and obscenities that would drive the weak minded insane.

“Nixx,” Steve hissed with an inhuman voice as wet snapping and gurgling could be heard from within his body, causing the monsters next to him to back away with fearful, concerned glances.

The gurgling and snapping subsided.

“It’s cool…” Steve said, “I’m cool… I’m cool…”

The chamber sighed with relief.

“He’s up to his old tricks again,” Pantsu said, “but this time…”

“I don’t like him,” the dragon prince said as he ate a cookie. “We should do something bad to him.”

“And that’s exactly what we are going to do,” Pantsu said as she smiled at him lovingly. “F10w3rchy1d is already there leading an advance team posing as adventurers to level up and engage Nixx. We will be embedded among the monster population and serve as military advisers. From what I hear, these poor guys don’t know shit about the trade and need a little help, help that we will provide…”

The chamber started chuckling evilly.

“Of course, we’ll get our licks in, too,” Pantsu grinned. “Any lifeforce we liberate will return to the world’s ecosystem and start the recovery process as well as deny Nixx his next meal. By the time F10w3rchy1d and her guys approach, he will be too hungry to look at them too closely.”

She paused.

“If anyone wants out, now’s the time.”

“Are you kidding?” one of the demons growled, “It’s Nixx! No way you’re getting rid of any of us!”

“What about you?” Pantsu asked the dragon prince. “You feeling up to it? It’s okay if you don’t.”

“Um… I think so,” the dragon prince said, “Um… are you going?”

“Yes, I am,” Pantsu smiled.

“Then I’m going, too!” he stammered, “Um… I mean… sure. It’s cool… I can go… If you want…”

“Then let’s go,” she smiled. “Go over there with the rest of the monsters.”

“Okay!” the dragon prince exclaimed and then went to join the throng.

He leaned over to one of the handmaidens.

“She’s really pretty!” he whispered. “Do you think she likes me?”