“Fud. Fud. Fud…” An immense crab (by the little crab’s standards) said happily as it looked at the little crab.

It was nice having a food around.

It was a not-food food, which was weird, but the giant crab didn’t worry about such things too much. There were many not-foods in the world, many of which could be food if you really wanted them to be.

In this case, it didn’t want it to be, at least not yet. There was plenty of other food.

It burbled with happiness. They were here, the food tree!

“Fud!” it exclaimed happily as it started to climb the pole-like trunk

“You want us to go up?” the little crab asked in astonishment. It had never gone up before.

“Fud!” the giant crab exclaimed happily, “Fud!”

It started to climb.

Curious, the little crab followed.

***

“I swear she’s doing this on purpose!” David the Slayer exclaimed angrily, “Slow down, you idiot!”

“We have to get home!” Petunia (actually Pantsu in disguise) cried, “Then you can save my daddy!”

“You are just going to tire yourself out again,” Evika, the Dark Sorceress, called out wearily.

“And you keep breaking formation,” Roderick the Golden said as he rushed to catch up with her. “If we are attacked, you will be exposed,” he said, breathing a bit heavily. “It’s not safe.”

“We have to save my daddy!” Petunia cried as she started to run even faster, her panties showing with every stride.

“Where does she get her stamina?” Stephan, the Silent Death, asked as he increased his pace to a trot. “She’s like a machine.”

“She’s (puff)… She’s just worried (gasp) about her father…” Evika replied, “You really (gasp) can’t blame her.”

“I (huff) can blame her if she gets us all killed,” David grumbled, “We’re all out of breath, our formation is fucked, and I’m getting tired of this shit!!!”

***

“Hehehe!” a little fairy said from the top of a nearby tree, “She is evil! I love it!”

“This is just the warmup,” a magically shrunk fairy-sized demoness smiled as she hung by her tail nearby, “a little bit of tradition before the show really starts.”

“Tradition?”

“Yeah,” the demoness snickered, “The old inconvenient travel pace gag. It’s actually older than she is. It drives them nuts!”

“It’s so… elegant…” the faerie said in awe, “With just that one thing, she has scattered them along the road, fatigued and focused solely upon her and her panties! Just the two of us could take them!”

“Yeah, but we’re monsters. We aren’t that nice.”

“Huh?”

“You’ll see,” the demoness said, her eyes gleaming with malice.

***

“Oww!” Petunia cried as she fell, clutching her ankle and bursting into tears.

“You idiot!” David yelled as they (finally) caught up to her. “This is what happens when you are stupid!”

“David!” Evika cried as she swatted him with her staff. “You’re not helping.”

Petunia just cried and clutched her ankle.

“How bad is it?” Roderick asked Stephan, who knelt beside Petunia, desperately trying not to look up her skirt which had somehow ripped even further when she fell.

“Petunia,” Stephan said patiently, “I need to see your ankle…”

Petunia just wailed and rolled around, further exposing her underwear.

“Petunia… (sigh)… Petunia!” Stephan exclaimed, his seemingly infinite patience starting to strain. “Please move your hands… I need to examine… Petunia!”

Reluctantly, Petunia moved her hands, weakly trying to pull down her skirt and cover herself, somehow just making the distraction worse.

“Oh, that looks bad,” David said, causing Pantsu… sorry… Petunia… to wail even louder.

“Diagnose!” Stephan said in adventurer. “…It isn’t broken, but it is badly sprained.”

“I told you we needed a real healer,” David grumbled, causing Stephan to look at him sharply.

“And if you weren’t for you,” Evika snapped, raising her voice to be heard over Petunia’s incessant and grating wailing, “maybe we could actually get one.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” David snapped back.

“I mean, if you weren’t such an asshole, we would have an easier time finding people!”

“I am not an asshole!” David yelled, crossing his arms defensively, “It’s because…”

“You kind of are,” Roderick said.

“Of course, you would take your girlfriend’s side,” David said, wincing at the siren-like wail coming from the injured teen.

“She isn’t my girlfriend!” Roderick snapped, causing Evika to flinch. “We are just good friends, right, Evika?”

“Ha ha… Yes, Rod… Just… Just good friends…” Evika laughed weakly.

“She’s like my sister,” Roderick said, “Gross.”

“Yeah… gross…” Evika laughed as she looked down.

“Whatever,” David huffed, “Just pour a potion down her, and let’s get going!”

“We only have so many potions, David,” Stephan said as he magically produced a doctor’s bag from the shadows of his cloak. “and we don’t know how long this quest is going to take.”

“They are also all greater potions,” Evika replied, “We can’t waste one on an NPC if we don’t have to.”

“What’s an NPC?” Petunia asked.

“You are,” David snapped, “it means you don’t matter,” causing Petunia to start wailing again.

“Would you fucking shut up!” David yelled, “Every monster in ten miles can hear you, and you are driving me crazy!”

“Why… Why are you being so mean to me?!?” Petunia wailed before bursting into more (and even louder) tears.

“I’m going to fucking kill her…” David said.

“Noooo! Don’t kill me!” Petunia wailed as she tried to run, twisting her ankle even worse and screaming so loudly that everyone clutched their ears.

“David!!!” Roderick yelled as he shoved him.

David toppled to the ground and then leaped to his feet.

“It’s a figure of speech! Fuck!” David shouted, trying to be heard over Petunia’s anguished and maddening wails. “You wanna go, golden boy?” he added, reaching for his sword.

“Oh, she’s good…” a little faerie gushed, clapping her hands.

“It’s the wailing,” the demoness replied, “She figured out the tone. Down there, it’s probably well over ninety decibels and cutting like a knife. It’s impossible to resist once she gets the tone down. If you are one of those funny-looking humans, you are fucked... It also would attract other monsters and cover their approach if we hadn’t warned them off.”

“Is it a spell?” the faerie asked, her eyes faintly glowing.

“A spell could be detected,” the demoness smiled, “It’s pure science, baby… and stop that. They might be able to detect you.”

“Stop it! Both of you!” Evika shouted as her hands started to glow menacingly.

“Sure,” David snarled, “Protect your boyfriend!”

“She’s not my girlfriend!!!” Roderick shouted over Petunia’s screaming, causing Evika’s heart to break just a little… and making her very angry… How could he not see how perfect they would be together? If David would only just stop needling him about it…

“You’re just jealous!!!” Evika shouted, trying to be heard over Petunia’s agonized wails. “You’re pathetic, you know that?”

“Want someone like you?” David shouted, “Don’t make me laugh! You got the bod, sure, but you are such a butterface! No wonder Rod,” he said in a simpering voice, “doesn’t want you! He’d need a bag just to…”

And Petunia just kept wailing…

Evika’s eyes blazed with rage (and pain) as she raised her hands, electric arcs dancing between them.

Suddenly there was a loud explosion and a bright flash followed by a thick cloud of purple smoke that covered the entire party, filling the entire area with a spicy, floral scent.

The smoke calmed everyone, making even Petunia fall silent. (Pantsu wasn’t really affected, but she should be, so she played along.)

“Would everyone just take a deep breath before someone says or does something that cannot be taken back?” Stephan sighed. “David, stop being intentionally hurtful. You always lash out when you become frustrated. Evika… um…”

Stephan paused to very carefully consider his words as Petunia pouted, arms crossed, behind him. Ultimately, he decided to not touch that one.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“Evika, you and David don’t always get along, but this isn’t the time.” Look…” he said, quietly facepalming, “It’s clear that our party may have some issues that need to be discussed calmly and rationally, and perhaps not in the middle of woods infested with God only knows what.”

“As always,” Roderick said, “your wisdom is far greater than your meager level…”

Stephan sighed and closed his eyes briefly, the decision to seek another party sealed.

“Let us make camp early, allow Stephan to treat Petunia’s injury, and carefully consider our next move.”

“Oh, Rod,” Evika gushed, “you are so wise.”

“Oh, Rod, you are so wise,” David muttered sardonically (and quietly). He was done with these assholes.

***

“Shit!” the faerie gasped, “They almost…”

“And that is the difference between a warrior and a monster,” the demoness giggled.

“Can I be a monster?” the faerie asked eagerly.

“Sure.”

***

“Um…” David said a few minutes later as he carried Petunia, “…sorry.”

“What?” Petunia sniffled.

“I get… impatient… sometimes… and… yeah… There is some… crap… going on that I took out on you, and that wasn’t fair… Look… We’ll find your dad, okay? If not us, then someone will. There are a shitload of champions heading this way, high-rated teams… Whatever is behind all of this doesn’t have a chance.”

“O-okay…”

Petunia smiled weakly up at him.

“Um… How’s your ankle?”

“It hurts,” Petunia lied. She could shove her dainty little foot into a woodchipper, and only the woodchipper would suffer.

“Stephan is really good,” he said, “those herbs and crap will fix you right up… I still say we should have used a potion, though. I’d give you one of mine, but they would bitch about it… assholes say they care, but they will let you suffer because God forbid we waste a healing potion on healing someone…”

“Thank you for carrying me,” Petunia beamed as she leaned up, her shirt almost falling open, to hug him.

“Whatever,” he said, “Can’t have you walking on that and slowing us down. We’ll make camp soon.”

***

Across the multiverse, a little crab was having a moment.

He was going up!!!

He had never been up before. Well, he had experienced minor changes in elevation, but this…

…this was up, like, real up, straight up…

It was wild!

“This is amazing!” he cried with delight.

“Fud,” the giant crab said happily. It liked going up, too, even if there wasn’t the food of all foods up here.

The little crab looked out across the island.

He could see everything…

Including the two stupids. That was his name for them now, stupids…

…because they were. They had spent the better part of a day trying to figure out this whole relationship nonsense.

What was there to figure out? She climbed on his back until she was ready to molt, he gave her some stuff, and then she left to do lady stuff. It was the easiest thing in the world. Even crabs could figure it out.

That meant that, despite appearances, they were stupider than crabs… and that was saying something.

He was sorely tempted to go down there and give them a piece of his tiny little mind. Someone needed to.

He realized that he was letting the two stupids impact a truly transcendent experience. He was going up.

“Fud!” the crab titan exclaimed as it started climbing towards some huge purple things even bigger than it was.

“Fuuud!” it enthused as it snipped one of the fruit’s stalks, sending it plummeting to the ground far below.

“What?” the little crab asked, very confused. “Why did you do that?”

“Fud!” the colossal crab exclaimed as it started to climb back down.

“We came all the way up here just to look at food and then go back down again?”

“Fud!” the giant said cheerfully as it started the long climb down.

***

“Fud!” the titan exclaimed as they reached the bottom as it happily scuttled towards the giant fruit, completely undamaged by the fall.

It then grabbed the fruit and started dragging it away.

“What are you doing?”

“Fud.

Fud,” the titan said, pointing up. “Fud,” it said, gesturing to the pair of them.

“Oh, if another falls, we would be in danger.”

“Fud,” the big crab said as it dragged its prize away.

***

Evaraxxus smiled at his sister chasing faeries who, fluttering and giggling, would keep just out of reach.

“They use that to hunt, you know,” Evangeline smirked.

“I am quite familiar with the little monsters,” Evaraxxus smiled. “But they are a decent sort, deep down.”

“Faeries hunt?” Faun asked, quite shocked.

“What, did you think they are herbivores?”

“Mine are!”

“Most aren’t,” Evaraxxus said, “Though they do only eat meat rarely. Usually, the creatures they kill for other reasons are sufficient.”

Faun winced.

“Hey,” Evangeline chuckled, “You didn’t change their diet. They were already like that. You just gave them an upgrade… There you are!” Evangeline exclaimed as Zvaxus and Veelanora approached. “I was wondering where you two got off to.”

“Yes… About that…” Zvaxus said, “I think I am going to remain here. These poor beings do not know the first thing about warfare. They need proper instruction.”

“And the Handmaidens aren’t doing it right, I suppose?”

“They are… transcendent,” Zvaxus replied, “and that’s the problem. These beings aren’t.”

Evangeline sighed.

“Yes, but we aren’t supposed to be here,” she said. “We’re only here because…”

“If I may interrupt,” Evaraxxus said, “He was here. The great scaled war god appeared and lent his wisdom, forging the scattered and defeated into a fearsome army. There’s a statue of him and everything.”

“Huh,” Evangeline shrugged, “I guess it’s fine, then. Cool.”

“Thank you,” Zvaxus said, nodding his head respectfully before departing.

“Are you staying, too?”

“Nah,” Veelanora replied, “I want some more of this magic stuff and want to raid his lair. I do have a few questions about that temporal accelerator, though…”

***

“How is that?” Stephan asked as he wrapped Petunia’s sprained ankle after applying a paste of herbs to the swollen area.

“Better,” Petunia smiled weakly.

“Not bad for someone that isn’t a real healer,” she added, causing Stephan to look at her sharply. “I’m just kidding,” she said, “I wish we had you in our village. Your skills are amazing.”

“I consider them sufficient,” Stephan said, “but they pale compared to specialized spell casters devoted to the art. However, my herbs and potions can be just as powerful and can be prepared in advance, something that many take for granted,” he added as he glanced at his party.

Petunia looked at them and admired her handiwork. The camp was sullen and silent, with each adventurer sitting as far from the others as they could manage.

They weren’t even looking at each other.

Normally this would be the perfect time for an ambush, but she had other plans this time.

Evika sat with her back to everyone else, staring at a glowing orb between her hands.

It disappeared.

“Alright,” she said quietly as she turned to face the group. “I’ve made contact with the guild and reported what we discovered. I also managed to reach the Valliant Avengers, who didn’t use a guild teleport and are traveling down this same road. They have a priest… not that we don’t have a real healer… but the priest is faster. They can cure Petunia more quickly than Stephan’s poultices.”

Stephan’s eyebrow raised, but, as usual, he didn’t reply.

“I also contracted an iron-rated team to meet us,” Evika continued, “They will take Petunia home, and we will be able to resume our quest.”

“Yeah,” David said, “about that… I’m out.”

“David!”

“I’ll go with the iron party back to the guild. I quit.”

“You can’t!” Roderick shouted. “We need you to…”

“Oh, now you need me?” David smirked, “Well, I don’t need you. Maybe I’m tired of being the tank for the rest of the team while you hog all the expee.”

“It’s not like that!” Roderick exclaimed. “It’s just that…”

Petunia sighed and leaned back, enjoying her favorite song…

The music of a party of adventurers falling apart…

***

“Whenever beings of any type spend more than a few seconds together,” the demoness explained, “resentments start to form. The trick is to discover and exacerbate them. It just so happens that the stress of a quest is one of the perfect places to do this.”

“Isn’t it also the worst time to let it happen?” the faerie asked, “Wouldn’t that be the time to pull together as a team?”

“Absolutely,” the demoness replied, “And they will during the fights, at least at first. But in the time between fights… Most beings will blame anyone but themselves when things go wrong. Greed and resentment can be increased by tweaking the drops…”

“Tweaking the drops?”

“Ensuring that there is one prize much greater than the others,” the demoness smiled as the party started really yelling at each other. “Something that more than one of the party wants and is unwilling to just simply sell so they can split the proceeds. Another great joke to play on them is that the big reward at the end of the quest is something that only one of them can use, surrounded by crap that is worthless in comparison. That’s my personal favorite, by the way. I keep a hidden cache of the good stuff for that very reason.”

“That’s kind of, I don’t know, mean.”

“We’re monsters,” the demoness smiled, “We’re supposed to be mean. It’s what we do.”

The faerie’s eyes lit up with a malevolent gleam.

The demoness smiled.

“Do you know who first told me that?”

“Who?”

***

“Okay,” Stephan sighed, “It’s clear that we have… issues… that cannot be fully addressed in one conversation. I, for one, am not comfortable proceeding until we sort this out… And would you please stop crying…” he said to Petunia.

“I-I’m sorry…” Petunia quietly sobbed (you don’t want to overdo it), “It’s just that you are all fighting because of me. I’m sorry I twisted my…”

“It’s not because of you,” David said, “This has been a long time coming. I finally got tired of being just one of Rod’s backup singers.”

“Like anyone else would take you,” Evika snapped.

“This is exactly what I am talking about,” Stephan sighed. “I won’t risk my life in a party that may fall apart under fire. If we lose David, then we need to rework our entire strategy or find another tank.”

“Good luck finding a gold-rated tank,” David sneered. “You want to go with me, Stephan? I have no problem with your meager level.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” Roderick yelled.

“Oh please,” David snapped, “you’re always dissing him, and the only reason you are so high level is that the rest of us are too busy trying to fix all the messes you make when you Leroy Jenkins the boss.”

“I do NOT…”

“Again,” Stephan said calmly, “yet another example. To be honest, Roderick, I am inclined to depart with David and start a new party… If he is content with someone who isn’t a real healer, that is,” he added with a little but quite friendly smirk.

“Go ahead!” Roderick shouted, “See if I care! Good luck ever seeing gold rank again!”

“That only matters to you, Roderick,” Stephan replied. “I will be content with silver or even bronze if it means I do not have to endure this nonsense a moment longer. Might I also point out that your own gold ranking will be very difficult to maintain with just you and your…”

“His what?” Evika demanded, “His what, Stephan…”

“That is for you to answer,” Stephan replied impassively, “Not I.”

“Burrrrn!” David shouted as Evika flinched as if she had been struck.

Petunia nodded appreciatively. That one was pretty good.

“Let’s all just calm down,” Roderick said soothingly, “We’ve had a very trying day, and we shouldn’t make any decisions we might regret…”

“You might regret,” David snapped.

“We all might regret until we’ve all calmed down and fully thought out the full consequences of any decisions we make.”

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” Stephan inquired, raising his eyebrow.

“Nothing!... It just means that we’re a good team… usually… and… and…”

“Not so dismissive of his meager level now, huh?” David sneered.

“Enough!” Evika shouted. “Stephan’s right. I’m not moving from this spot until the Avengers get here and cure Petunia and the iron rates take her off our hands. Then I’m going to the guild hall, alone…”

“Evika…”

“Alone, Rod… If anyone wants to meet me there to talk, you can.”

“How are we all going to return to the guild hall, alone, at the same time?”

“Figure it out, David… Figure. It. Out…”

“Game, set, and match,” the demoness said from her arboreal perch.

“Wow!” the faerie exclaimed. “She ‘killed’ them without a single blow!”

“Whole guilds have fallen,” the demoness smiled, “Too bad for these guys that the fun is just starting.”

“What do you mean?”

“Since you are now a fellow monster…”

“I am?!?”

“You are.”

“Yay!”

“Since you are now one of us,” the demoness chuckled, “I’ll let you in on the joke…”

As the demoness whispered and purred, the faerie’s eyes widened…

…and she started to giggle.

“Oh, that’s just wrong,” she giggled, “but we are monsters, after all…”

***

“Fud!... Fud!” the giant crab exclaimed excitedly as it started attacking the large purple fruit, ripping at the tough fibers just under its watertight leathery outer membrane.

“It’s in there?” the little crab inquired as it nibbled at the membrane and then some of the fibers.

Huh! That was actually really clever. The membrane and husk were designed to protect the inner seed as they floated in the big ocean, and that’s how it could spread from island to island.

Actually, it took several mouthfuls to figure all of that out.

“Fud,” the giant crab said disapprovingly.

“I know the good stuff is inside,” the little crab replied, “I was just learning about this food, that’s all.”

“Fud?”

“I’m not sure how to explain it, really. You see…”

The little crab fell silent as there was a lot of rustling approaching.

“Fud,” a monstrous crab rumbled as it lumbered into view.

The little crab didn’t know whether to raise its claws, flee, or just drop a little poop and call it a life well-lived.

“Fuuud?” its gigantic companion, no longer the biggest crab in the world, inquired as it raised its claws.

“Fud… Fud fud… Fuuuud…”

“Fud!”

“Fuud?”

“Fud! Fud fud! Fuud!”

The little crab bubbled a bubble of relief. It seemed that neither he nor his new friend was on the menu today. Something that these titans considered “big food” had expired nearby, and the immense crab was heading that way.

Whatever this big food was, it had to be huge. It was so big that the beast was actually inviting them along to share it.

The little crab wanted to know what could be that big. But, unfortunately, its companion declined, far more interested in the food they had just obtained.

A both interesting and distressing thought popped into the little crab’s mind. A stupid would be that big…

…fortunately, his stupids were just fine… and still leaking stupid…

…now it was something about ‘communication’ which was even more stupid than mating.

There was food, and there was mating. What else was there to talk about?

Even they couldn’t screw that up…

…nope, they just did.