“What is it?!?” screamed the elegant Elf God, wreathed with flowers and glowing light as he threw raw mana against the blinding white wall pressing towards them.

“Taste cold iron, foul sorcery!” the stout Dwarf God, clad in mithril armor inscribed with glowing runes as he heaved his mighty axe above his head.

He swung down with a mighty blow, the divine enchantments cleaving the very air, the very essence of air, cleaving mana itself…

The axe head disappeared into the glowing wall, leaving him with only the smoldering haft.

“Majorinor!” the dwarf bellowed, his eyes glowing with despair and rage.

“I can’t find them!” the old Orcish Hag Goddess cried out waving the mother bones in front of her. “Their souls are gone! All of them… gone!”

“They must be trapped behind this ward!” the Elf God yelled pulling forth an ebon orb, containing the trapped souls of millions.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna work,” a voice said behind them, followed by a munching noise.

The trio turned to behold a naked Homo Erectus, sitting in a lounge chair with a bowl of popcorn in his lap.

“Begone, animal!” the elf hissed, “Behold the power of the mighty Elvaren!”

The orb crackled, glowing a hellish red hue, screaming with the voices of the countless damned. A huge crimson bolt shot forth, wreathed with beautiful Elven script, striking the glowing wall with the force of a hundred thousand thunderbolts.

“Ooo!” the hominid enthused, “Very pretty! Too bad it didn’t do shit. (munch)”

The glowing wall advanced steadily as the naked hominid munched happily.

“It’s devouring the entire Over-realm!”

“Is it?” the hominid said leaning forward. “Yeah, these things kinda do that. To be fair, I did warn you,” the hominid chuckled. “I told you not to fuck with them.”

“You did this!” the Orcish Hag Goddess shrieked pointing her bony finger at the ape-man. “Release their souls or face my wrath!”

“No can do, bitch-face,” the hominid chuckled. “Your precious souls are kind of… well… It would be difficult to explain to morons like you. The Tee Ell Dee Arr is that you ain’t getting them back, not from this side anyway.”

The hominid grinned.

“You are, of course, welcome to go in there after them, if you want,” he said followed by another handful of popcorn.

“Don’t be foolish,” the God of the Elves said to the Hag Goddess as he summoned demon after demon to push against the wall each one lasting only moments before bursting into flame. “The puny human god knows no magic.”

“I never said that,” the hominid said idly picking at one of his feet. “I just said that I didn’t use it. The whole magic thing is kind of stupid. I mean, I go through all the trouble of setting up this nice universe and then I’m going to give just any mortal the ability to fuck with it? No, thank you. If some mortal is going to fuck up my universe, they need to be exceptional, like one particular asshole that comes to mind, the glorious bastard.”

The hominid got up, moved his lawn chair back several yards, and then sat back down. The cheap plastic webbing was starting to melt.

“Besides, everyone screwing with reality plays holy hell with your omniscience. What good is being able to predict the path of every single particle in the universe if trillions of assholes keep wiggling them. It keeps you from foreseeing shit just… like… this...”

The hominid laughed.

“I don’t use ‘magic’, so I was able to get a good seat for the show!” he grinned. “You totally missed it! It was really fucking cool! You could actually watch reality unravel in real time. I always love that.”

The Dwarf God summoned a mighty hammer.

“Ohhh… hang on...” the hominid said as he gripped the arms of his chair and kicked off with his feet, landing hundreds of meters away, the popcorn “miraculously” remaining in the bowl.

”Ok! Let ‘er rip!”

Dwarven glyphs swirled around Destiny’s Hammer as the Dwarf God smote the ever advancing wall, triggering a massive explosion as the hammer detonated.

”Yeah, that’s not going to work either!”

“I can’t stop it!” the Elf God shouted as he wove reality shattering magics. “I can only slow it’s advance!”

”It’s so cute that you think that you’re the one ‘slowing’ it down!”

“The over-realm is lost!” the Elf God yelled. “We must save the Celestial Realm!”

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

“Noooo!” the orc-hag wailed, “My souls!”

“We must (pant) save ourselves, and our realm!” the Dwarf God gasped as he struggled to his feet, his armor blackened, the glowing glyphs guttering out.

”Dude! That is some bitchin’ armor! I thought you were dead!”

The Elf God, Orc God, and Dwarf God turned from the glowing wall and fled, the glowing wall spreading and advancing behind them, devouring everything in its path, wreathing them in scorching flames, almost but not quite overtaking them, as the popcorn munching ape-man laughed, his eyes faintly glowing.

The three gods reached a glowing portal and ran through it only to find the hominid sitting in his lawn chair on the other side.

“Begone, ape,” the Elf God sneered. “Go join your worshipers as they all burn!”

“Sure thing, chief,” the naked hominid said standing up and carefully folding his chair.

“Make haste, animal!” the Dwarf God yelled drawing yet another ornate axe.

“I’m moving,” the hominid said as he ambled past. “and put that down before I fuck you with it.”

As the naked hominid, silhouetted by the unraveling reality behind him, walked through the gate he extended a single finger, snagging a wisp of the Celestial Realm and dragging it through the portal with him, sticking it in his mouth.

“I can’t close the portal!” the Elf God cried in terror.

“How curious,” the naked hominid said through clenched teeth, the wisp of their reality stuck between them.

“It’s him!” the Orc Hag screeched. “He’s cast a spell! I can see it!” she screamed as her eyes glowed.

“Technically,” the hominid grinned, his teeth still clenched, “I didn’t, but yeah. I’m not going to let that portal close. Sorry.”

“Then you will die!!!” the Dwarf God bellowed as he charged.

bitchslap

The Dwarf God was sent flying, bouncing off of the edge of the portal and landing in a crumpled heap.

The hominid sighed, walked over to the Dwarf God’s axe, and picked it up.

“Now what did I tell you I was going to do with this?”

***

Splattered with blood, the Elf God and the Hag Goddess backed away in horror.

“I actually sort of regret doing that,” the hominid said as the blood covering him steamed in the searing heat of the hellish fireball drawing ever closer. “I do really need to be more careful with my idle threats.”

He glanced down at the impaled Dwarf God, the bloody haft of his axe sticking out of his mouth.

“Yeah,” the hominid added, “if either of you throws another spell at me I will fuck… no… I won’t fuck you with anything but you will suffer an unpleasant fate to be determined at the time of my annoyance.”

“Ok, kids,” the hominid smiled as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the necks of the two remaining gods, “Let’s go watch your world burn!”

As he dragged the pair through the portal he glanced down at the Dwarf God.

“Sorry, dude,” the hominid said, “I’d bring you too but you’re kind of gross. But don’t worry, I didn’t want you to miss the show. I’ve slowed down time around you so you will be able to truly appreciate the rather unique experience that you have the privilege of enjoying. Later.”

As the naked ape man dragged the two remaining gods through the portal, his fist shot out smashing the portal’s wall, and tearing a permanent hole between the two realms.

***

“What… are you?” the Elven God gasped as the fireball spilled over into their divine “heaven”.

“Oh, nothing,” the hominid chuckled, “just the 'filthy animal god of the humans', that’s all. Ooh! That mountain over there will give us a great view of your entire universe going away.”

Grabbing the two gods by the neck, he jumped, covering the vast distance in a moment.

He released his two captives and set up his folding lawn chair (which he always had?) and sat, putting the bowl of popcorn (which he also was always holding?) in his lap.

“Yeah, this is a nice spot. You can really see that nice crystal palace over there vaporize nicely.”

He looked back at the Elf.

“That yours? It doesn’t really seem like bitch-face’s style.”

The Elf God just looked at him, shaking.

“Just in case you are wondering,” the hominid said as he put another handful of popcorn from the bottomless bowl in his mouth, “I’m tossing both of you in that fireball when the show is over.”

“Ooo! Look at all those little dudes trying to run!” he snickered.

The Elf God drew a divinely sharp dagger, poisoned with the venom of the eternal worm, and plunged it into the hominid’s back…

Or tried to…

The naked ape-man idly waved his hand and both of the Elf God’s femurs shattered.

“Now behave and let me enjoy this,” the hominid said not even bothering to look back. “This is actually very rare (because I don’t build crap) and I haven’t gotten to see one grow from point zero in quite some time. If I have to look away once more your last moments will go from extremely unpleasant to extremely unpleasant.”

“We… we were just a joke to you...” the Hag Goddess whispered, tears forming in her bloodshot eyes.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“You could have stopped us whenever you wanted...”

“Yup. (munch)”

“And you let it happen.”

“Yeah, kind of a dick that way.”

“To your own people! Your worshipers!”

“I’ve had a lot of worshipers,” the hominid shrugged, “They come and they go… and I don’t need them like you scrubs. I just like them.”

“You could have saved them...” she gasped in true horror.

“And deny them their moment of glory?" the hominid said, actually looking back at the Hag, “What sort of monster do you take me for?”

The Hag fell silent in uncomprehending horror.

The hominid cocked his head.

Far in the distance, he heard weeping. Oh there was plenty of weeping, and screaming, and a shitload of praying but this was an entity.

He missed one. Can’t let that happen.

He looked away from the glorious human expression of pure hate and rage (damn, he was going to miss those assholes) and looked down.

Darting among the flames was a luminous woman with… deer features… you know… like a furry (He was really going to miss humans. They were hilarious.)

She was grabbing every animal she could, her robes aflame, and stuffing them inside her, weeping and crying out for help.

“… goddammit...” the hominid grumbled.

He stood and waved his hand.

The fireball stopped its advance, frozen in time.

“To quote the man of the hour,” the hominid said as he turned to his two captives, “It’s been a lot of fun, but now playtime is over… Let’s see… I know!”

The hominid’s eyes flashed.

“You ‘gods’ are eternal, right?… Enjoy... forever. Quick question. Do you know what causally disconnected means?… No? You’ll like it. It’s fun.”

The pair of defeated gods disappeared.

“… I kind of regret that too,” the hominid shrugged and put on a bathrobe (that was always draped over the back of the chair?)

***

“Oh!” the glowing deer-woman cried out, “My children!… Don’t worry!” she cried, “It’s ok… It’s going to be ok… It’s going to be ok...”

“Actually, it is,” a strange animal-man dressed in a thick robe said behind her.

“I know not who you are!” she cried desperately, “but please, if you have the power… Please help me save my children!”

“I just so happen to have that exact power,” the hominid smiled, “Relax, toots. We have all the time we need.”