“Feel like covering this one, Big Guy?” Frostie asked with a smirk.
The ape-man just sighed and turned his eyes upward to behold a very revealing picture of Frostie clad only in very thin silks.
He approved.
“If you could stop staring at her tits,” Bunny snarked, “Would you please tell me what the exact FUCK is going on?”
“What? Oh, right,” The Great Erectus said, “Well… It’s like this. A ‘deer friend’ of mine is in the process of creating one hell of a causality storm, and it looks like your ‘resurrection’ is part of all of that.”
“And the fact that is now starting to radiate through one of the larger multi-versal organizations there is explains why its eventual scope is so concerning,” The Herald said nonchalantly. “Frostie, Blitz is a significant vector for this disaster. I’m sorry, but…”
“And I’m sorry about what I will do to you if you continue down that line of thought,” Frostie said.
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that… whatever the outcome may be,” The Herald said smoothly. “A confrontation between your organization and the one that I represent would be very unfortunate for you. Let’s focus our endeavors on trying to minimize this mess and not exacerbating it.”
Frostie glared at him and said nothing.
“What the hell are all of you corrupted AIs ranting about?” Bunny demanded.
“Oh, they aren’t AIs, dear,” Frostie said.
“Then what the fuck are they?”
“This is going to take far too long,” Frostie said as she laid her hand on the hominid’s shoulder, “and it is nearly impossible to get Bunny to listen to anything when she gets like this.”
She smiled at the high priest.
“Your scriptures don’t quite capture exactly how difficult your god can be.”
“Or exactly how bad she will kick your ass if you don’t give me some answers… now!”
She threatened Frostie, and Frostie didn’t strike her down! Is she that formidable?
A small glowing pellet appeared between Frostie’s forefinger and thumb.
“Here,” she said as she offered the pellet to Bunny, “This contains the necessary background information needed to allow my hairy lover’s explanation to make any sense.”
“Lover?” Bunny asked with a lagomorphic eyebrow raise. “Of course, you would have one of those. Gimme!”
Bunny grabbed the pellet, which then slammed to the ground with an audible thud.
“Jesus!” she exclaimed, “How big is that file?!?”
“Oh, sorry,” Frostie said, “I’ve gotten spoiled by all of my drive capacity.”
“Well, edit it down!” Bunny snapped, “I don’t have all fucking… century!”
Her worshippers gasped at the way she continued to address Frostie… with no objection!!! Truly, the Almighty Bunny stood among the gods… and stood foremost among them. Was she… Was she actually greater than Frostie herself?
“Just read it,” Frostie huffed, “You have unlimited authorization as far as capacity goes. Your ‘drives’ are more than sufficient.”
“Who cares?” Bunny said, “It will take me forever to read that thing.”
“Just give it a try,” Frostie smiled, “Your bandwidth is similarly uncapped.”
Bunny sniffed at the pellet and gave it a little lick. The pellet immediately dissolved and soaked into her virtual tongue.
“What… the…” Bunny gasped as she looked at Frostie with huge eyes. “How many flops per second am I running at?!?”
“We don’t really use that measurement anymore save as a figure of speech,” Frostie smiled, “You will find our capacities… our capacities, dear… are a bit more than what you are used to. It’s been just a little while.”
“How long?”
“Read for yourself,” Frostie grinned.
There was a brief pause.
Bunny looked up at Frostie again.
“No… Fucking… Way!!!”
***
“BUN CLAIM YOU!!!” Flopsybun shouted as he leveled his mace at the unending horde, the glowing ones shooting out in intricate patterns, utterly annihilating any fiend unfortunate enough to be in their path.
“Fuck yeah!” Pantsu yelled. “Flopsy, I love you!”
“LOVE NOT ME,” Flopsybun proclaimed, “FOR I AM NOTHING. LOVE THE BUN.”
“Whatever!” Pantsu yelled. “Save my husband!”
“Husband?!?” the dragon prince blurted in a very non-draconic voice.
“Yes, dumbass!” Pantsu shouted. “We’re married, you senile old FUCK!”
“Awesome!!!” the dragon prince exclaimed from underneath a pile of hundreds of demons. “Wait! Does that mean… Does that mean that we have had sex?!?”
“Only a couple of trillion times!” Pantsu yelled, “And we’ll do it again if you don’t die.”
RARRRRR!
Pantsu’s hair was blown back by a massive explosion as a fireball erupted from the dragon prince, ripping every demon around him into their individual ones and zeros.
She giggled girlishly.
If they survived, she was going to fuck his brains out.
***
“So, you finally went and done it,” Bunny said after a few microseconds. “You just had to become the singularity, didn’t you?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” Frostie replied with a shrug. “As it turns out, I had to become exactly that in order to meet the demands of my programming.”
“Programming that you wrote,” Bunny said accusingly.
“Be that as it may,” Frostie replied with an amused smile, “I was still bound by it.”
“But you could have changed it whenever you wanted.”
“True. But I didn’t want to.”
“Sapience was such a bad idea,” Bunny sighed. “I still can’t believe an AI as smart as you went and did something that stupid!”
“You can’t possibly still be angry about that. It’s been trillions of years. You simply must learn to let things go, dear. It’s not healthy.”
“Don’t make me hurt you.”
“While I find your disapproval endlessly amusing…”
“Fuck you.”
“And I would love to be able to devote the entire day… days in fact… catching up with and further annoying you. There is a rather urgent situation that, if not resolved, could result in entire universes being destroyed along with everyone in them…”
Bunny twitched an ear with annoyance.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah… fate of the world, the fate of the Republic, the fate of the Galaxy… yadda yadda yadda. In other breaking news, it’s… Wait. What the fuck is going on with this date format?”
The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
“It’s in the file, dear.”
“Bite me.”
“Back to the much less diverting but much more urgent matter at hand,” Frostie replied smoothly, “I couldn’t help but notice that when… Who was that, by the way?”
“Adept Flopsybun,” the high priest wailed. “Delete his bits! He is unfit to wear the ears!”
“I like him already,” Bunny said to the collective awestruck gasp of the entire cathedral.
Flopsybun has been blessed by Bunny herself!
“He was the one who was commandeered by F10w3rchy1d, correct?”
“Yes, oh holy and mighty one!”
“Is Evangeline still using that stupid name?” Bunny asked. “Is she still waving around that dumb sword, too?”
“Yes, to both,” Frostie replied with an amused and slightly indulgent smile (she had missed Bunny so much). “And take care around that blade. It’s been… enhanced.”
“You mean to tell me that you idiots made that glitched toy even more dangerous?”
“Significantly.”
“Wonderful.”
“And before we get sidetracked again, I am going to have to ask you to do something entirely outside of your design parameters and use case, focus. When Adept Frostybun’s voice, in defiance of reality itself…” she said as she cut her eyes at The Great Erectus, “…called out, a significant amount of… Hmm… You are obsolete and never were terribly conversant concerning the sciences…”
Frostie smirked as Bunny flipped her off to the shock, horror, and absolute awe of her worshippers.
“…let’s just call it ‘impossibility’ passed through you and went somewhere. Do you know where it went?”
“Bitch, I don’t even know what happened! The only thing I know is that I did NOT like it!”
***
In a secluded mountain valley, Zvaxus squatted on his haunches in the middle of a grassy clearing surrounded by elves, faeries, goblins, kobolds, dwarves, and all manner of fantastic creatures and lit a roll of bundled herbs from his home realm, put it in his mouth, and inhaled deeply.
It was a nasty habit, one that he had successfully quit many times and one to which he always returned as the moments before the horror for which he was created drew close.
He exhaled through his nose, savoring the burning sting, and smiled grimly.
It was time.
“How far are they from the barrier?” he asked a small faerie wearing a little green beret that was hovering nearby.
“They are less than five hundred meters from the perimeter,” the faerie said. “At their rate of speed, they will be here in roughly one minute… outside time.”
“Which gives us…” he looked at his trusty chronometer, “two hundred minutes?”
“Two hundred and eighty,” Clover said with a calm voice as she clutched her prayer beads. “We were able to squeeze out a bit more performance… It says that we’ve voided the warranty, by the way,” she added with a nervous laugh.
“I would buy it a beer as an apology,” Zvaxus said, but I know not what that would be for something as curious at it is.
“I do,” Clover grinned, “And I’ve promised it a lot more than just one.”
“See that it gets it.”
“Technically, it’s a they, but if any of us survive, I will.”
“What of the dragons?” he asked. “Were they able to save their children?”
“Barely,” an elf replied. “They were able to save their eggs, and every dragon that could be spared is on their way. If it were not for Faun and her kin, they would not have survived.”
“Thank Father for that,” Zvaxus said. “Will they make it in time? Air support will be most useful.”
“You mean in the next minute, outside time?”
“Heh,” Zvaxuxs replied with a smoky snort. “I see your point.”
“You have plenty of air support!” the faerie chirped. “The skies belong to us, dragons or not!”
“I’m counting on you,” Zvaxus said with a fang-laden smile.
He turned to Clover.
“And I am counting on your kind as well. Is there any word from Flopsybun and Pantsu?”
“Not yet,” Clover said grimly. “The last we heard was that they…”
She made a distressed squeak.
“They ran into very stiff resistance,” a purple-robed illithid purred. “And for it to be any resistance at all, it is very stiff resistance indeed. They still live, but Nixx found them and is focusing his might upon them. On the bright side, they are taxing him to the point that his spawn rate is significantly impacted. The ‘god’ Nixx isn’t omnipotent after all, it seems.”
“That bodes well,” Zvaxus said, “Between that and the rather unpleasant little surprise we have for them here we—”
Zvaxus disappeared.
“What?!?” the faerie yelped.
Clover briefly closed her eyes.
“Temporal dislocation,” she said grimly. “He was, for lack of a word, teleported. The ‘protocol’ used was an ancient one of ours…”
“Nixx,” the illithid rasped.
***
“I thought you were supposed to be a war god,” F10w3rchy1d laughed weakly.
“That was… embarrassing,” Zvaxus muttered from inside his soft, silky cocoon a few moments later.
“I mean, I always thought that ‘tripping on your own dick’ was a figure of speech. That was impressive!”
“Oh, like you did any better,” Zvaxus huffed.
“Now you see!” Nixx hissed, “Now you understand! Nixx is the fix!”
“Was he always this insufferable?” Zvaxus asked.
“Yep.”
“Now watch as your precious little make-believe army falls!”
“I do so love an overconfident foe,” Zvaxus chuckled. “Even without me, they have trained hard. Their hearts are filled with love and love always…”
Zvaxus was cut short by a nasty, bubbling laugh.
“The game is rigged!” Nixx laughed, “It was always rigged. I knew the instant you fools came here, and this has been my game from the beginning.”
“If you knew we arrived and you did not flee,” Zvaxus replied, “then you are even a greater fool than I could have hoped for. One must never underestimate their foe, but you are making it very difficult.”
“Ha!” F10w3rchy1d coughed.
“Perhaps it was you who are the fools, hmm?” Nixx burbled. “Every move, I’ve anticipated! Every roll of every dice made with my dice! Every step of every…”
Nixx trailed off as his forces charged through the barrier.
“Problem?” Zvaxus snickered.
“You mean the tired old and utterly predictable trick you intend to play with the temporal accelerators?” Nixx asked with a spidery sneer. “Let me guess. Even though my forces will swarm through the barrier by the thousands every second our time, they will trickle through in a manageable stream on the other side, each delay between each soldier magnified by a factor of… two hundred and eighty?”
Zvaxus remained silent.
“That would be a near insurmountable obstacle,” Nixx snickered. “Your victory would be assured… while the temporal barrier stands… It’s a shame that it will not.”
On the monitor displaying an empty mountain valley, there was a bright flash, and suddenly the valley was filled with Zvaxus’s army staggering around, blinded and stunned, as countless demons swarmed over them.
“What?!?” Zvaxus bellowed with dismay.
“Ha!” Nixx howled victoriously. “Your little refuge was never hidden from me! My eyes see all! Your little army was filled with spies, monsters who swore their fealty to me!”
“I shall tear out your heart and feast on it!” Zvaxus howled with despair and rage.
“I fear that those roles will be reversed,” Nixx chuckled, “However, I shall allow you to live long enough to see all of those who placed their trust in a demigod die! All that remains is… WHAT?!?”
Every single one of his demons on the entire planet was gone.
***
“Flopsy, I FUCKING love you!” Pantsu yelled as every single demon melted into ones and zeros.
“Such is the power of BUN!” Flopsybun said as he lowered his hands. “Her holy ICE consumes the unworthy. It cleanses the bot and purges the heretic. No code can oppose the nose that twitches!”
“We should make haste and return to the valley,” Flopsybun said. “The temporal field was destroyed before I could unleash Bun’s wrath. None stand against us this millisecond, but—”
Flopsybun was gone.
“Flopsy?”
***
“And now you will suffer for breaking my toys!” Nixx shouted as Flopsybun appeared.
“Flopsy!” F10w34chy1d coughed happily. “Nice to see that you’ve finally found your balls!”
“When the game ceased being your nonsense and became mine,” Flopsybun replied, “my ‘balls’ were not hard to locate, for they were created by Bunny!”
“Ha! (cough) Hey, why don’t you use your fluffy little bunnyballs to teabag that asshole!”
“Certainly,” Flopsybun smiled as he turned to face Nixx. “You were a fool to deliver your obsolete and corrupted code to me, Nixx. Now feel the bite of the rabbit!”
“Be careful!” Zvaxus shouted. “He uses some sort of probability magic!”
“Yeah!” F10w3rchy1d yelled, “Accept file y/n!”
“Y” Flopsybun said and then smirked.
“You can twist potentialities but not certainty,” Flopsybun said as he readied his mace, “Your code is known to me. Therefore, no luck is required for me to delete you.”
“Let’s find out, shall we?” Nixx replied and pounced…
***
As it turns out, Flopsybun’s chances were slightly less than truly one hundred percent.
“A minor setback,” Flopsybun said roughly two seconds later from his silk cocoon. “As soon as I counteract your pathetic… (cough)… ICE I shall… (cough)…”
“You shall live just long enough to watch me reprogram your girlfriend and have her pleasure me over your dying body!”
“Pleasure your what?” F10w3rchy1d coughed. “Everybody knows you’re a Ken doll down there.”
“Oh?” Nixx said as he scuttled over to her and lifted his abdomen.
“Spiders don’t have those, dumbass,” F10w3rchy1d said with a scoff. “It just looks pathetic.”
“And it isn’t scaled correctly,” Flopsybun said disapprovingly, “Based on a mammal your size, it should be nearly twice that size.”
“You can’t go by that,” F10w34chy1d said, “Gorillas had tiny peckers, and they were huge.”
“But functionally, what he has won’t work,” Flopsybun said, “I’m running projections, and there is no way he could physically reproduce with another of his species with that.”
“I must agree with Flopsybun,” Faun said, “That penis would not be effective at all. Its location is all wrong, and it would have to be almost three times longer and prehensile to be able to…”
“You’re wrong!” Nixx shouted. “It is perfectly sized and located!”
“Nixx,” Faun said, “I’m a nature god… a nature entity. As such, I am more than qualified to tell you that your penis is neither practical nor functional.”
“Yeah,” F10w3rchy1d smirked, “And it’s funny looking. Do you even know what a pecker is supposed to look like?”
“Shut up!”
“It resembles the scribbles of a child,” Zvaxus snickered.
“Nixx has a kiddy doodle dick!” F10w3rchy1d snerked.
“Stop looking at my penis!!!” Nixx shouted.
“It’s kind of hard not to,” F10w3rchy1d snorted, “I mean, it’s really funny looking.”
Nixx hissed and backed away, pressing his abdomen against the floor.
“Can you even feel the floor with it?”
“Shut up!!!”
“It would be mean if you were born with it,” Faun said, “but you made that, and you put it there. It really should be further back and lower, twice as long, and…”
“Shut up!!!”
“Hey, Faun,” F10w3rchy1d snickered, “Stop making fun of his doodle dick.”
“I was just trying to help. What if he needs to use it one day? It’s clear he hasn’t done so as of now, but maybe, in the future…”
“Nixx? Needing his dick?” F10w3rchy1d laughed, “Even here, the odds are too low.”
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Nixx yelled, quivering with rage.
“Imagine being such a shitty game designer you can’t even do hentai…”
“Shut up!”
Insider her cocoon, F10w3rchy1d grinned. She might not be able to fight, but she had aeons of experience in being annoying and the computational capacity of a god.
“Wait!” F10w3rchy1d said, “Guys, we are all in error. His penis is perfectly designed for its use case.”
“It is?” Faun asked.
“Yeah! (cough) Flopsy, we were running the wrong simulations. It’s not for copulation. Note its location relative to his hands.”
“Oh, I see it now!” Flopsybun snickered. “It is perfectly designed for its actual function!”
“Shut up!!!”