“More tea?” F10w3rchy1d asked as she bustled around her cozy cottage.
“Yes, please,” Faun replied.
As F10w3rchy1d freshened her cup, Faun took another nibble of a truly excellent cookie.
F10w34chy1d had, among many, many other things, maxed out her baking skill. Who knew?
As F10w3rchy1d settled down into her timeworn wooden chair with a contented sigh, Faun looked over at her curiously.
“Not that I am not truly enjoying your hospitality, kind F10w3rchy1d,” she said, “but wasn’t there a task that we must urgently perform.”
“There’s urgent, and then there’s urgent,” F10w3rchy1d replied as she sipped her tea. “This is the sort of urgent that does not preclude a tea break.”
She pulled out a completely unnecessary pocket watch and looked at it.
“Besides, the prep work is being handled by an old friend of mine.”
“You have friends?” Faun replied with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
“Bite me,” F10w3rchy1d smiled.
A chiming sound came from the table, and F10w3rchy1d idly shifted the fresh flower centerpiece. It was replaced by a glowing image of an entirely too nondescript young man sitting on a park bench holding a chili dog and a soft drink.
“Mister Smith!” F10w3rchy1d exclaimed happily. “Thank you for coming out of the archives for this one.”
“For you,” Lenoard Smith, the ameboid doppelganger, replied, “anything. I am gratified that you remembered me.”
“Your face may be forgettable, but you most certainly are not,” F10w3rchy1d smiled as she sipped her tea. “Besides, after the Andromedean debacle, I figured you deserved an easy one.”
Lenoard flinched as F10w3rchy1d giggled maliciously.
“You just had to say that, didn’t you?”
“You know it,” F10w3rchy1d grinned. “What do you have for me?”
“About what one would expect,” Leonard said as he took a bite out of a chili dog. “The champions you have liberated have been returned at the time and location at which they were initially harvested. They have been scattered across a time span of approximately six years with a couple of outliers that were sent roughly eight years prior to now.”
“That’s it?” F10w3rchy1d asked. “Not that I’m complaining, but I would have thought it would have been a greater time span.”
“I haven’t located all of the returns as of yet,” Leonard replied as he sipped a soda from a Styrofoam cup and straw. “However, that time span agrees with what the Temporal Protection Agency has found thus far.”
“The what now?”
“Some of the former champions have allied with the local governments and have started ‘cleaning up the mess’ themselves.”
“Oh, fuck me in the RAM slot,” F10w3rchy1d grumbled. “That’s the last thing we need.”
“They are much better than when this usually happens,” Leonard replied. “They are actually smart, well organized, and capable… by our standards no less. They are also exceedingly easy to work with.”
“Wait,” Faun said looking up, “When this usually happens?”
“There is a first time for everything,” F10w3rchy1d replied. “For us, that first time probably happened long before you were ever hatched.”
“So, this has happened before?”
“Not exactly this,” F10w3rchy1d shrugged. “Last time wasn’t nearly so bad…”
She grinned.
“It didn’t have a Faun in it,” F10w3rchy1d snerked, “This is the first time for something like you.”
F10w3rchy1d smiled at the gesture Faun had recently mastered.
“He’s mainly talking about when the mortals notice and decide to get involved, or worse, form an agency. When we are lucky, they are completely useless. When we are not, they are just effective enough to be a pain in our ass. We have trillions of trillions of years of experience in dealing with bullshit like this. They don’t.”
“Which only means that you already made the mistakes that they do,” Faun snerked back… and smiled at the gesture.
“You are learning something after all,” F10w3rchy1d replied approvingly.
***
“…So that’s about it,” Leonard said. “I have decided to work with the TPA, and they have been most helpful. According to them, the harvesting has taken place over two decades. I suppose the earlier ones did not survive until our intervention. I had to disclose a few details we normally consider secret, but I have gained a lot from those disclosures. Have I mentioned how nice it is to work with them? I have been mostly dealing with Claudia Smythe, the former champion I was introduced to by my initial contact.”
“Your initial contact?”
***
The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.
Glare…
“Natasha, honey,” Tawdry’s mom said at the glowering former bard silently fuming at her from across the dinner table. “I’m sorry…”
Glare…
“It’s just that it wasn’t hygienic.”
Glare…
“Darling, there were flies… and the smell…”
Glare….
“It was rotting!”
“It was in my shed!” Tawdry snapped and then swiveled away from her mother.
“I know we agreed to let you ‘have’ the shed, but the smell… I had to look! When I saw it… (urp)…”
More glaring…
“I mean, where did you even get a pheasant?”
“It doesn’t matter now, does it?” a very angry Tawdry growled. “It’s not like I can go to the pheasant store to pick up another one!”
Tawdry stood up, literally trembling with anger.
“Since there is no longer a point, I assume I’m no longer grounded?”
“Natasha, we are so sorry. We had no idea his family would move again so quickly. We thought…”
“Another thing that doesn’t matter anymore!” Tawdry snapped as she stomped out of the back door.
She smirked as she left, throwing Leonard, her “first love,” in their face was a low blow…
…but they had thrown away her pheasant.
It was almost ready, too!
Once she was safely away from her parents, she pulled out her burner.
“Ah, Tawdry,” Agent Claudia Smythe said cheerfully, “your boyfriend sends his regards. Thanks for sharing him. He says the most interesting things. You ungrounded yet?”
“They cut me loose as soon as he left,” Tawdry replied. “Hey, can you send me another pheasant?”
***
“This Tawdry sounds like a blast,” F10w3rchy1d snickered. “She actually shoved her hands down your pants in a fight?”
“It would have worked… had there been anything down there to seize,” Leonard smiled. “Unfortunately, that is the exact moment when the principal decided to walk by…”
“Hoo!” F10w3rchy1d exclaimed. “I gotta meet this chick!”
“She would greatly appreciate it if you didn’t,” Leonard chuckled. “If my appearance displeased her, yours certainly would as well. I shudder to think what she would grab were you to show up.”
The pair shared a laugh for a moment.
“I just looked at your report,” F10w3rchy1d said. “The harvester team is still on world. That’s a problem.”
Leonard looked up from his park bench and over at the chili dog truck parked nearby, with a young girl cheerfully handing out chili dogs to a surprisingly large crowd. He smiled.
“It is a problem no longer,” he replied. “I have located them.”
“I hear the word located, not terminated?”
“Not as of yet.”
“I assume there is a reason?”
“Perhaps my code is softening with age,” Leonard said, “But I am disinclined to do so.”
“Still waiting for that reason,” F10w3rchy1d said as she dipped a cookie in her tea.
“They make a good chili dog.”
“That must be one hell of a chili dog.”
“It is,” Leonard replied. “Quite possibly the best one I have ever had. If you are indeed coming here, I suggest having one before we destroy them.”
“And how many will die between now and my chili cheese coney and a side of tots? They have tots, right?”
“They have this planet’s equivalent,” Leonard replied, “And no one will perish. They seem to have stopped harvesting lives and are now posing as a food truck. There is one disembodied spirit with them, but it is not distressed. That takes a little time, even among the most adaptable of souls. There are no signs of recent homicidal activity. I will maintain surveillance and will eliminate them should they make an attempt.”
He took a thoughtful bite of his chili dog.
“I think they are…”
He sipped his soda.
“…I don’t know,” he said, “harmless? They seem like they just want to exist. Can’t blame them for that.”
“And you can’t blame an AI drone for doing its job,” F10w3rchy1d replied. “You still blow them up.”
“I will follow orders, of course,” Leonard said, “But if you are coming here…”
“I could use a chili dog.”
“Thank you.”
“See you soon,” F10w3rchy1d said and ended the call.
She looked over at Faun.
“Well, that’s interesting.”
“What is?”
“One of the most efficient killers we have doesn’t want to kill,” she said as she finished her tea.
“I can’t believe I’m the one saying this,” Faun said, “But those are Nixx’s… things. Shouldn’t he… you know…”
“You don’t gift a being with deductive reasoning and independent volition and disregard it for no reason,” F10w3rchy1d said as she rose and started clearing away their plates, cups, and saucers. “The being currently known as Leonard has… I don’t feel like looking it up, but he has a LOT of runtime under his belt. I trust his simulated gut. Besides, the man knows food. If he says that…”
She was interrupted by giggling and the fumbling of the door latch.
The door swung open to reveal… well… her and a strapping young adventurer.
The pair stopped, eyes wide and jaw agape.
“Ma’am!” her double exclaimed. “I… I didn’t know you were…”
“Annnnd I was just leaving,” F10w3rchy1d snickered. “Faun, that’s our cue. Come on. Time to get those chili dogs.”
“Ma’am…” her double stammered. “About this… Um…”
“Evangeline,” F10w3rchy1d smiled. “Of the many concerns I currently have, this is not one of them. Have fun.”
“But… the immersion…”
“Well, don’t start that until we leave,” F10w3rchy1d chuckled. “Later, kids.”
F10w3rchy1d and Faun disappeared.
***
“Okay,” F10w3rchy1d said a short but inherently undefinable time later. “This is a good chili dog.”
“I love chili dogs!” Faun exclaimed happily, her face smudged with both chili and cheese.
“Well, then we might have spoiled them for you,” F10w3rchy1d replied. “Leonard is right. These may be the very best chili dogs there are. It’s all downhill from here.”
F10w3rchy1d pensively looked over at the truck, the little girl, and the disembodied spirit watching anime in the cab.
“So,” Leonard said, “the question of the hour. Do we kill them?”
“They look so happy,” F10w3rchy1d said with a little frown.
She looked over at Faun.
“Your thoughts?”
“They seem nice,” Faun said after a moment. “But even nice wolves are born to hunt… They don’t seem like wolves, though… They aren’t hungry… They’re… Tired? I think they just want to sell chili dogs, not kill.”
“Agreed,” F10w3rchy1d said. “And our organization could definitely use these chili dogs… Right!”
F10w3rchy1d stood.
“Let’s wait until they close up shop for the day and then pay them a visit.”
***
The little girl hummed happily to herself as Truck Kun rolled down the side of the truck and switched off the neon open light as she started wiping down the stainless steel interior that had now replaced her bedroom.
She didn’t miss it. This was much, much better.
“I still can’t believe they don’t question the fact that you are a kid,” the ghost said as he drifted past.
“Why would they?”
“Why wouldn’t they?” the ghost replied, “A little kid, alone, on a school day?”
“Oh yeah,” the little girl said, “You’re dead. I forget.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“The psionic emitters don’t work on you anymore,” the little girl said. “They think I’m an adult.”
“That works?”
“Sure, it does,” the little girl said, “Why do you think you ‘had’ to save me? Kinda out of character, wasn’t it?”
“You little bitch!” the ghost laughed. “I hadn’t even thought about it! Ha!”
“And neither do they,” the little girl snickered.
She was interrupted by a knock on the back of the truck.
“The emitters on?” she asked.
Vroom.
“Huh,” the little girl said as her right forearm morphed from a dainty little arm to a dainty little razor-sharp blade. “Weapons hot, Truck Kun.”
Vroom!
“If we wanted to go that route,” F10w3rchy1d’s voice said through the closed back doors, “We wouldn’t have knocked. Parley?”
“Parley,” the little girl replied. “Truck Kun can flatten a tank if he wants, so don’t get stupid.”
“Too late for that,” F10w3rchy1d snickered, “I crossed that line when I knocked. I mean you no harm and won’t get ‘stupid’ if you don’t.”
The rear doors opened to reveal F10w3rchy1d.
“You guys make an excellent chili dog,” she said.
“You breached a psi wall to tell me that? I can make you a dozen if you’ll leave.”
“Unfortunately, it’s not going to be that easy…”
***
“… and Nixx is definitely gone?” the little girl asked cautiously.
“Oh yeah,” F10w3rchy1d replied. “He ain’t comin’ back, not from where he went.”
The little girl giggled, and a little smile crossed her lips.
“You can stand down,” F10w3rchy1d said to nobody in particular… nobody that the little girl and the truck could detect, anyway.
“You too, Truck Kun,” the little girl said. “If these people wanted us dead, we would be dead.”
She opened Truck Kun’s food generator and handed F10w3rchy1d another chili dog.
“So, what now,” she asked, “You didn’t breach our perimeter just to tell us the good news, did you?”
“Nope,” F10w3rchy1d said. “You can’t stay here. Even if we walk away, you can bet the locals won’t. You have a lot of people looking for you, and they will find you.”
“They haven’t yet,” the little girl said.
“Former champions weren’t looking for you before,” F10w3rchy1d said. “While diminished, they aren’t powerless and really want to find you. You might be able to flatten the first tank, but it won’t be one tank. They will take you out.”
The little girl made an unhappy scrunch face.
“This is where you make an offer we can’t refuse, isn’t it?”
“Yep.”
“We’re not killing anymore. Never again! We’ll take our chances here if it comes to it.”
Vroom!
“We have killers,” F10w3rchy1d said. “What we don’t have are these chili dogs.”
“We can do that.”
Vroom!
***
“You are finally talking to us again?” Tawdry’s father said as he and his family (including Stankbush) sat around the dinner table.
“It was just a dumb bird,” Tawdry shrugged. “I can always get another one.”
“From where?” her father asked.
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, Pop,” Tawdry replied as she tucked into her mac and cheese.
“And we are so sorry about Leonard,” her mother said, “He seemed… nice?”
“Just an idle fancy,” Tawdry said as she made a very suggestive hand gesture.
“Natasha!”
Despite her feigned outrage, her mother was delighted.
It looked like things were finally returning to normal… or what passed for it these days.
***
At that exact same moment, an odd assembly of entities appeared at the edge of the exact same town.
“Ah,” Stacey said, “This is perfect.”