The little girl stood in front of the Jenkins Park men’s restroom with her hands on her hips.

“I know you’re in there,” she called.

“Go away!” the spirit replied from the other side of the door.

“Look, I know you’re mad…”

“You killed me!”

“Not all the way,” the girl huffed.

“Leave me alone!”

“And then what?” the little girl asked. “Say I leave, then what?”

“…”

“Where are you gonna go? Home, where nobody can see you?”

“Go fuck yourself!”

“Do you know what happens to disembodied spirits?” the little girl asked, “Imagine wandering the streets for years, all alone with nobody to talk to, getting weaker and weaker the longer you are without a body. Eventually, you will start to fall apart. Then, finally, you will fall apart completely, caught forever between heaven and earth, trapped wherever you fell until the end of time.”

The little girl leaned forward maliciously, her head now inches from the door.

“Sound fun?” she asked with an evil gleam in her eye. “The human race will come and go, and you will still be here, trapped in place, for billions of years. Then, the world will die, the sun will die, and you will still be right here. Eventually, the stars themselves will fade, and you will still be here, trapped in a dead, cold universe… forever.”

Quiet sobbing could be heard from the men’s room.

“At least with us, you will be isekaied,” the girl continued. “Just as soon as the link is fixed, you will be sent to another world, a fun world, where you will meet fun people and do fun things… and be real again. C’mon. It will be fun.”

“You’re lying.”

“Maybe,” the little girl replied, “But tell me, where else are you going to go? The law is closing in on us, and we have to go. Either come with us or stay here… forever.”

Phantom tears streaming down their face, the spirit phased through the door.

***

In the police station, Agent Smythe and Detective Martin paused in front of the interrogation room door.

“Normally, you would get a briefing,” Agent Smythe said quietly, “and all of the questions you have and the million you are about to have would be answered. But we don’t have time right now. Just let me lead the interrogation.”

“Normally, I would tell you to go and fuck yourself,” Detective Martin replied. “But, yeah, no problem. I just have two questions first.”

“Shoot.”

“You know more about this than you are saying, right?”

“Yep.”

“Second question,” Detective Martin asked. “How old are you?”

Agent Smythe smiled.

“You are an observant one, aren’t you,” she chuckled, “My ID says that I’m twenty-five.”

“And your actual age?”

“Nineteen.”

“A field agent doing independent operations at nineteen?”

“You said two questions. I answered two questions,” Agent Smythe replied, “We don’t have time for more. I promise I’ll tell you everything as soon as I can, but right now, we have that truck…”

“And the girl…”

“And the girl,” Agent Smythe said, “running around, and we have someone who is probably Tawdry Songslayer behind that door. So I… we… have to move on this, now.”

“Tawdry Songslayer?”

“I’ll explain later,” she replied, “Just be careful around that bitch. Don’t let her get into your head.”

“I think I can handle some kid.”

“She doesn’t look like much, and she never did,” Agent Smythe replied, “but she is dangerous. If this goes bad, she’ll try to get inside your head… and will if you let her. Don’t engage her in conversation, and don’t lock eyes with her.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I wish I was. Just… Just trust me on this, please. I’ll tell you everything, I promise.”

“Why?”

“Because in just a few minutes, you will be working for us.”

“Will I?”

“If you can’t turn away now,” Agent Smythe replied, “You certainly won’t be able to after. Last chance, Detective. If you are smart, you will turn around right now and pretend that we never met.”

She opened the door and looked back with a smile.

“Coming?”

***

Tawdry perked up as the door to the interrogation room opened.

Showtime… And she was NOT inclined to play nice. They really scared Stankbush, and THAT’S a paddlin’.

She put on her best guileless expression as the same pantsuit-wearing bitch, and that old dude who arrested them walked in.

“Please,” Stankbush wailed as Tawdry facepalmed. “We didn’t do anything. Please let us go. My dad’s going to kill me!”

“What part of keeping your mouth shut did you not get?” Tawdry hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

“Rebecca Hale?” the woman whom Tawdry had already named “Camel Toe,” asked. (She didn’t actually have a camel toe, but those pants were a bit on the tight side.)

“Y-yes?”

“Detective Martin here will accompany you to another room where he will take your statement.”

“Now, wait just one fucking minute!” Detective Martin interjected. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easy!”

“Fine,” Agent Smythe said with a smile, “Detective, would you please contact someone to take Miss Hale’s statement? I will wait until you return.”

“Better,” Detective Martin replied as Tawdry glared at Agent Smythe. “Come on, Miss Hale.”

Trembling, Stankbush was led from the room.

“Stanky is innocent,” Tawdry said as soon as the door closed. “And if anything happens to her, you won’t like it.”

“I know,” Agent Smythe replied. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Agent Claudia Smythe. Nice to see you again… Tawdry Songslayer.”

“Dame Claudia?”

“Miss me?”

“No…” Tawdry replied, “… Your Grace,” she added with a smirk.

***

Detective Martin didn’t waste any time dumping Stankbush on the first person he could and started rushing back to the interrogation room before Smythe could spend too much time alone with this Tawdry person.

“Hey, Gary!” another detective called. “Agent Smythe said she needs something from the conference room. She says that there is a wooden crate with a funny-looking dragon on it.”

“I’m not falling for that! Get someone else to get it!” Detective Martin snapped as he picked up the pace.

He quickly arrived at the door of the interrogation room to the sound of laughter…

…and a language he had never heard before.

“Haha! Lang-el a’ze’alalal obelen-kata?” the young girl named Tawdry asked.

“V klatha!” Agent Smythe exclaimed as Tawdry burst into laughter. “Ze alath mamalra… Oh, hello, Detective, Where’s the box?”

“You aren’t ditching me that easily,” Detective Martin replied as he took a seat next to Smythe, “Someone else is getting it… And you said you wouldn’t start until I got back.”

“Just a little small talk,” Agent Smythe replied, “I will provide a full transcript of the conversation with translation later if you wish.”

“I wish,” Detective Martin replied. “What language was that?”

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“Would you buy Swahili?” Tawdry asked.

“No.”

“We were speaking High Zolor,” Smythe replied.

“High what?”

“Wha?” Tawdry asked, “Are we talking in front of him?”

“His quest has been finding the Truck Killer for the last fifteen years, and he never gave up,” Smythe said, “He deserves to know. Besides, I’m recruiting him after this.”

“Is that what you are calling it these days?” Tawdry smirked, “Careful dude,” she said to the detective, “She’s ‘recruited’ guys like you before, and you are just about her type.”

“You dare question my honor, knave?” Smythe asked with a raised eyebrow (and half a smile).

“Oh heavens no!” Tawdry smirked and then turned to the detective. “But you’ll notice she didn’t say I was wrong, either.”

“Don’t let her distract you,” Smythe told the detective. “She’s really good at that. She’s also very good at being interrogated.”

“And even better about not talking to cops,” Tawdry replied.

“How about Agents of the Crown?” Smythe asked, knowing that it would provoke a reaction.

Crown? Detective Martin looked at the pair with increasing confusion.

“Those I write songs about,” Tawdry grinned, “Remember?”

“I never had the opportunity to properly thank you for that,” Smythe snorted. “And now I have you right where I want you.”

“Annnnd this is where I tell you to get fucked and that I want a lawyer,” Tawdry smiled. “We have these things called ‘rights’ now. I’m a big fan of them.”

The door opened, and a police officer walked in carrying a small wooden crate with a stylized dragon burned into one of the slats.

Detective Martin noticed that Tawdry’s entire world suddenly became that crate as she looked at it the same way a cat looks at a Christmas tree.

“Is this what you wanted?” the officer asked as he set the box on the table.

“Yes, thank you, Officer,” Smythe replied as she untied the wire holding the box closed.

She opened the box to reveal six large amber swing-top bottles nestled in straw.

She pulled one out and opened it, filling the room with a heavy, ripe, fragrant scent with a “pop”.

She drank deeply from the bottle and let out a contented sigh.

“Oh! Preserving the natural order is thirsty work…”

Tawdry remained silent, staring at the bottle.

“In case you were wondering,” Smythe said, “the brand doesn’t lie. John Barrelbreaker has been sent back, and these were brewed by his hand. While ‘diminished’ like the rest of us, he still has skill.”

She held the bottle to the light, admiring it.

“This is some of the finest beer made on this world, easily equal to anyone but him where we came from… Too bad you’re underage.”

“Sla’okotyor,” Tawdry grumbled.

“Language! Please!” Smythe chuckled. “Now, I could try to sweet talk you, or we could play ‘good cop, bad cop’… Perhaps I could try to intimidate you and tell you that we have a place we take ‘ex-pats’ who cause trouble, a place where nobody will ever see you again… I could even try to appeal to your humanity and say that the stakes are high, fate of the world, yadda yadda…”

She pulled out another bottle.

“…Or we could share a drink and gossip a bit.”

“Gimme!” Tawdry exclaimed as she reached out her hand.

“Um… This is illegal…” Detective Martin said dubiously.

Agent Smythe looked over at him with a laugh.

“You a cop or something?”

She offered him a bottle.

After a short pause, he took a drink and looked at the bottle with wonder.

“Holy shit,” he said with wide awestruck eyes.

***

“…and that’s when you assholes showed up,” Tawdry said as she took another drink of liquid happy. “I was this close to catching the little bitch when Truck-Kun came out of nowhere.”

“Did you manage to see him appear?” Smythe asked.

“Nah, he just came out from behind the shitter like he was waiting for me or something. Hey, do you think it’s like a shadowlurk? That it can only appear or disappear when nobody’s looking?”

“Well, it is from there,” Smythe replied.

“From where?” Detective Martin asked.

“Someplace else,” Smythe replied, “we aren’t exactly sure where it is. It will take time to explain, time we don’t have.”

“Another world, dude,” Tawdry said, “Like a bad anime.”

“A really bad one,” Smythe snorted and took another drink.

“So, you guys have been hunting down returns like me?” Tawdry asked.

“Hunt is too strong a word,” Smythe shrugged. “We are just trying to locate our kind and try to find out what the hell is going on. And, hopefully, minimize the damage to our world.”

“What. The. Fuck?” Detective Martin asked.

“Just tell him already,” Tawdry sighed, “He’s just going to ask that over and over until you do.”

“You do have a point,” Smythe replied.

“You got any partha in there?”

“(snort) I wish!”

“Grits show up yet?”

“Not yet, and she probably won’t leave her tavern until that little fang-tail and her friends make it that far south.”

“Pity,” Tawdry replied, “I would kill for some partha.”

“Or feather pie…”

“Ooooh… feather pie…”

“Would someone please tell me what the FUCK is going on?”

“Okay,” Smythe said as she set down her beer. “Imma go grab us some chips from the vending machine, and I’ll be right back…”

***

“…You have to be shitting me,” Detective Martin said as Smythe finished her tale.

“So,” Tawdry asked, “I gotta know. What took down the Adamantium-rated Duchess Claudia Smythe?”

“Ugh,” Smythe said as she opened a second bottle, “a dark elf.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I wish I was,” Smythe snickered ruefully, “But that was no ordinary elf. I didn’t have a prayer.”

“No. Way!”

“Way. It was… transcendent. All of my levels, all of my skill, my training, and my years of experience were nothing compared to what I faced. The bitch even gave me pointers as it kicked my ass… I was completely powned.”

She slid a second bottle to Tawdry, who gleefully took it.

“How about you?” she asked.

“Fucking Evika,” Tawdry laughed, “She blew my head clean off… I think. All I know for sure is that the last thing that crossed my mind was my teeth.”

“Evika? Evika was a ganker? I don’t believe it!”

“Not a ganker,” Tawdry replied, “A full-bore monster. She had horns, this really cool mark on her forehead, and everything. She said that she, David, and Stephen were demons now and that she didn’t have time to explain. One thing is for certain, though. Those bastards got one hell of a power-up. We were powned, too. We lasted maybe a few seconds. Dame Claudia…”

“It’s just Claudia, now.”

“Claudia,” Tawdry continued, “I think that other world is fucked.”

“It was probably fucked to begin with,” Smythe replied. “Evika turning is just one more data point that is starting to draw a very ugly picture.”

“What?” Tawdry asked as she drank more amber joy.

“We’re starting to think that things weren’t what they seemed over there…”

Tawdry simply nodded.

“Go on,” she said.

***

“Don’t feel bad,” the little girl said consolingly as she sat in the cab of Truck-Kun along with a faintly glowing translucent spirit. “You did what you could, and we collected the spirit and got away, so it’s all good.”

She pulled out her phone again.

Universe disconnected

“Shit,” she muttered, “But did you smell that bitch. She’s from there. Did we ever spatterfy her?”

Vroom.

“I didn’t think so, either,” the little girl said as she opened a pack of cheese crackers. “There was another one with the cops, too.”

Her expression darkened.

“I don’t like this.”

Vroom?

“I don’t know,” the girl replied, “I just don’t know. I guess we hide for now. The only thing we can do is not get caught until we can regain contact.”

“What about me?” the spirit asked.

“You can hang with us,” the little girl replied, “Be a good sport, and I’ll tell Trixx to hook you up. You will have a very nice life over there, I promise.”

The spirit sighed.

“Can you put Netflix back on? I want to watch Arcane.”

“Good choice!”

***

“So,” Tawdry asked, “What now?”

“That depends on you,” Smythe replied, “Like I said, we have a place for real troublemakers and people like poor Rob, who didn’t turn into a demon, who need… ‘help’… However, as… fucking annoying… as you are, you aren’t actual 'trouble' and seem to have adapted quite well. Your principal and at least one teacher actually like you, and you seem to have reintegrated socially. Barring any nasty surprises, we will simply exchange contact info and keep in touch.”

“I can do that,” Tawdry replied, “And Stankbush is completely in the clear, right?”

“She never wasn’t,” Smythe replied. “We will discreetly investigate you, of course, but I would be shocked if we found something that would necessitate detaining you. Tell me, what are your plans?”

“Survive high school,” Tawdry laughed, “Then I’ll start up a shitty garage band, run around, play a few gigs, maybe do some stand-up, you know, be a bard.”

“So, you will squander your talents for another lifetime?”

“You know it!”

“I think the world can tolerate one more itinerant musician,” Smythe smiled.

“Lars show up yet?” Tawdry asked hopefully.

“He has.”

“Fuck yeah!”

“He’s all the way over in Denmark, though.”

“What’s the age of consent there?”

Agent Claudia Smythe smiled wickedly.

“Fifteen.”

“Ooooooooo!” Tawdry squealed happily.

“Slut.”

“Bard!” Tawdry exclaimed happily.

“Synonym.”

“Ha!”

“I might be able to arrange a visit as well,” Smythe replied, “provided you prove to be an asset, of course.”

“Asset for ass?” Tawdry asked, “Keep the beer and boys coming, and I’ll give you all the asset you want!”

Detective Martin wasn’t entirely comfortable with all of this, but things had indeed gotten significantly weirder than he expected. He took another sip of his wonderful beverage and decided to let this one slide. Besides, he wasn’t going to be a cop much longer.

He had already decided to join up. How could he not?

“I just gotta know,” Tawdry said. “It doesn’t surprise me that you are on top… again… but how? You aren’t that much older than I am.”

“I’m nineteen,” Agent Smythe confirmed.

“I was wondering that, too,” Detective Martin said.

“The Army,” Agent Smythe replied. “I was sent back to three years ago. My home life sucked but even diminished, I was more than a match for my out-of-shape tweaker parents. After kicking the shit out of them for a very therapeutic few months, I was seventeen, and they had absolutely no problem signing the paper that allowed me to join the Army early. I was noticed early by others of my kind who had been sent back even further and also joined the military. I wound up at the agency shortly thereafter.”

She paused to take another drink.

“And I’m not ‘on top’ by any stretch of the imagination. I’m just a field agent.”

“Who is?”

Smythe smirked.

“Slaker.”

“The Bandit King?!?”

“That would be him,” Smythe replied. “He is one of the oldest of us over here… and a surprisingly decent guy... And even I have to admit he did have some valid points.”

“Wha?”

“One of the luxuries I now enjoy is that I can say that. He wasn’t wrong about us nobles, not by a long shot. I didn’t like us either.”

“So why did you fight him then?”

“Even a bad system is better than no system at all,” Smythe replied, “Say what you want about the way things were over there, but it was stable. Slaker was all about tearing things down, but he had no plan for building them back. He offered anarchy, not meaningful change…”

Smythe paused and smiled a wicked smile.

“…besides, do you have any idea how many expee he was worth?”

***

Tawdry’s parents stood anxiously beside Stankbush in the police station’s lobby.

“Can you tell us anything?” Tawdry’s mom asked.

“I’m sorry,” the desk sergeant replied, “She’s still being…”

Suddenly Tawdry’s laughter blasted through the lobby as she emerged with Detective Martin and Agent Smythe.

“Hi, guys,” Tawdry said to the trio. “Sorry if I worried you, but these assholes…”

“Natasha!!!” Tawdry’s mom exclaimed.

“Well, they are.”

As Tawdry’s mom gasped in horror, Agent Smythe laughed.

“Part and parcel with the job,” she chuckled, “Tawdry’s free to go.”

She looked at Tawdry and smirked.

“She was very helpful, so helpful that we aren’t going to charge her with underage drinking.”

“Tawdry!” her mom snapped.

“You are in so much trouble, young lady! Come here, now!”

“Thanks for the song, bitch,” Smythe whispered.

Tawdry flipped her off as she reluctantly joined her parents.

“Natasha! What is wrong with you?!?” her mother cried as she grabbed her daughter and gave her a sniff. Barrelbreaker’s art was as fragrant as it was delicious… and it was very delicious.

“I can’t believe you!” Tawdry’s mother exclaimed. “I am so sorry, officers! I promise she will never do this again!”

“I’m sure she won’t,” Smythe smiled. “Some children are so difficult. You really should use a firmer hand with this one.”

Tawdry turned beet red as she shot Smythe a look that could very well make someone roll for damage on that other world as Smythe smiled beatifically at her.

“Oh, don’t worry about that!” Tawdry’s mom replied, “You are grounded, young lady!”

Smythe smiled as a warm, happy glow spread through her. This was better than sex!

With one final angry look at Smythe, Tawdry was led away by her very concerned and quite angry parents.

“Can I still come over?” Stankbush asked anxiously.

“Of course, dear,” Tawdry’s mother said reassuringly, “You’re family.”

“I am?!?” Stankbush beamed.

“Of course, you are,” Tawdry’s mom said as she hugged her, and Stankbush hugged her back, happy tears in her eyes.

As Tawdry was half-dragged from the police station, she turned to Smythe.

"You really want to fix that camel toe," she said loud enough for everyone to hear.

After they left, Detective Martin looked over at Smythe, who was still glowing with happiness.

“Was that entirely necessary?”

“Yes. Yes, it was," Smythe replied...

...and then checked her crotch as discretely as she could manage.