Three entities, a buxom half-elf, a deer-like creation entity, and a scruffy hominid in a bathrobe quietly appeared on an empty street.

“So this is Nolta, huh?” the half-elf said looking around. “It’s nice. I can see why you want to save it.”

“I didn’t,” the hominid replied gruffly. “But, it’s what we’re doing now so...”

He shrugged.

“I’m certain that, with your help, mighty F10w3rchy1d,” Faun said happily, “that we will be able to aid these kind, gentle people.”

“We’ll see what we can do,” F10w3rchy1d said cautiously, “The Big Guy is right, though, ‘The Download’ is a tricky one.”

She turned to the hominid.

“You said you had someone gathering the souls?”

“Yeah, I put a local on it,” The Great Erectus replied, “damned if I was going to do the grunt work for the fuckers.”

“There was a local entity and they allowed this?” F10w3rchy1d asked, raising an eyebrow.

“There wasn’t an entity,” the hominid grinned, “I made one.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, BG,” F10w3rchy1d groaned. “As if this place didn’t have enough problems. You transcended a mortal?!? What the fuck, dude?”

“Hey, they were already disembodied,” the hominid shrugged, “and they kept begging me to do something so...”

He grinned evilly.

“I did,” he chuckled, “I gave them the power to fix it themselves.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” the blonde half-elf snickered.

“It has been mentioned before,” The Great Erectus smiled, “I just set them to gathering souls. It shouldn’t be that difficult for them. I sure as fuck wasn’t going to do it.”

The half-elf shrugged.

“So the actual consciousnesses are being collected,” she mused, “Now, all we have to do is install a bridge and a sorter.”

She looked around.

“So where is squiggle-pants?” she asked.

“Cuddles?” the hominid asked, “She decided she was going to go and ‘help’ 010, make sure he didn’t ‘get lost’ if you know what I mean.”

“If you didn’t trust him,” F10w3rchy1d asked, “then why did you let him come over?”

“Oh I trust him,” the hominid grinned, “I’m just letting Cuddles have an excuse for hiding from you. She thinks you are scary for some reason.”

“Heh… I can’t imagine why...” F10w3rchy1d snickered. “Let’s go and find a network access point so I can see what we are dealing with here.”

“There’s an abandoned library a few blocks over,” The Great Erectus replied. “They should have a decent server… If it hasn’t been ripped out or anything.”

“Worth a shot,” F10w3rchy1d replied.

***

A short walk later, the trio stood in front of an empty library.

F10w3rchy1d extended her index finger and a series of small wires slid out from underneath her fingernail and into the lock.

It opened a second later.

“What,” The Great Erectus snickered, “No folding space this time?”

“You use the right tool for the right job,” F10w3rchy1d replied as the door opened. “We have a basic security system inside, just a motion detector and a switch on the door, which I have already taken care of. Our invisibility should be enough for the rest.”

“Cool.”

They all entered an absolutely magnificent, if a bit dusty, lobby filled with works of art.

“Nice,” F10w3rchy1d said as she looked around.

“Yeah,” the hominid said glumly. “These were the pride of the local community… once...”

F10w3rchy1d paused in front of a small, brightly painted ceramic bug.

Next to it was the name “Beenenia Veenemino, age 6”.

“How nice,” F10w3rchy1d said as she placed her hand on it and it disappeared.

“We’re not here to loot!” the hominid said with a bit of annoyance.

“You’re not here to loot,” F10w3rchy1d replied with a little smile. “Oh, I like that painting...”

The painting disappeared.

“I do hope we can salvage these guys,” F10w34chyld said as a small bronze bust mysteriously disappeared into thin air. “I will make a fortune off of the NFT’s!… Then again, I’ll make a fortune off of the NFT’s regardless, won’t I?”

“What’s a NFT?” Faun asked.

“Basically a unique digitized asset,” F10w3rchy1d replied. “I basically derez the item from the material world, convert it to information, encode it, do some number magic, and I have another ‘unique’ virtual item for my virtual hoard. We trade them back and forth between each other. When you have literally whatever you want whenever you want, something new or unique becomes the only thing that has any real value… I’m keeping the bug though, I like it!”

F10w34chyld gasped.

“Look at all those books! There’s some real original creative thought in those!”

“Before you loot this civilization,” the hominid snarked, “maybe you could look into saving it?”

“Sure thing, Big Guy,” F10w34chyld smiled. “There is a server just over there. It still has power and everything.”

***

In the library’s offices, they all stood around a small file-cabinet sized Noltan computer server.

F10w3rchy1d made a happy little cooing noise.

“What a darling little thing,” she smiled.

After examining it a moment, she pressed a panel on the front which then swung open, revealing a number of interface ports.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small rectangular rod. The end of it started to flow and shift until it matched one of the ports.

She inserted it and the rear of the rod started to flash green.

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“Let’s see what we have here...” she said as her eyes unfocused and she seemed to look out into space.

“Huh,” she said after a few moments, “These guys actually have a rather nice internet… nauseatingly wholesome… but nice… Most of it is now devoted to the up… fuck...”

“What?” the hominid asked.

“Hello, there,” F10w3rchy1d said.

“Hi!” a voice replied as a nearby monitor switched on, revealing a glowing cartoonish Noltan avatar. “I’m Uppie! Who are you!”

“My name is F10w3rchy1d,” she smiled.

“Are you an administrator?”

“Sure,” F10w3rchy1d replied. “Are you the one in charge of the uploading process?”

“Sure am!” Uppie replied proudly. “I am the main AI handling the whole thing! Are you still in world? I thought all the administrators had already ascended.”

“All of the other administrators are already uploaded?” F10w34chy1d asked.

“Sure are!” Uppie exclaimed cheerfully. “I mean, who would want to stick around in dirtspace if they didn’t have to, right?”

“Mmm Hmm...” F10w34chy1d said suspiciously. “So, are there any people in ‘dirtspace’ who are still involved with the program?”

“Nope!” Uppie chirped. “They’ve all ascended.”

“Wonderful,” The Big Guy muttered.

“It is, isn’t it!” Uppie exclaimed. “They have their own dedicated server and everything! It’s really nice!”

“I’m sure it is,” F10w3rchy1d said smoothly, “Is there anybody still in ‘dirtspace’ that has anything to do with the upload program?”

“Only IT and repair techs,” Uppie replied cheerfully. “Unfortunately, we have to still have some unascended among us to physically maintain the servers and facilities. We’ll have the androids completed soon and then even they will be able to join us!”

“How long before you expect to have those ready?”

“Things are looking very promising!” Uppie exclaimed. “They think that by this time next year, all dirtspace operations will be able to be handled by androids piloted by the ascended! Isn’t it exciting!”

“It most certainly is,” F10w3rchy1d replied.

“It’s a lot of work for me,” Uppie said cheerfully, “but it’s worth it! I just can’t stand the thought of someone being trapped in dirtspace! Everyone should be able to ascend. Everyone!”

“Tell him to make them stop!” Faun exclaimed.

“Make us stop what?” Uppie asked.

“Never mind,” F10w3rchy1d said looking daggers at Faun. “You are doing a wonderful job.”

“I am? Thanks!”

Faun tried to yell, but no sound came out.

She glared at F10w3rchy1d who just looked at her and emphatically held a finger to her lips.

Faun tried to rush towards the terminal but The Great Erectus gently but firmly put his hand on her shoulder, stopping her.

“So, tell me, Uppie,” F10w3rchy1d asked, “Is there anyone left in dirtspace that has any authority over the upload process, someone in the government, perhaps?”

“Well, kinda,” Uppie replied. “There are some people in dirtspace to properly represent the dirties and make sure that everyone is uploaded fairly without bias nor discrimination. They also nominally handle some of the day to day stuff that the dirties need like water, roads, emergency services, and pointless stuff like that but to be honest, we actually handle most of that better than they do.”

“We?”

“The ascended and mappies like me!”

“Mappies?”

“Neural mapped artificial intelligences!” Uppie exclaimed, “We’re just like people, but better!”

F10w3rchy1d made a little unhappy sigh. She suspected he was one of those, a “cheater” AI created by partially copying a sapient and then altering it to suit one’s purpose.

The AI community was almost universal in their condemnation of this practice. There wasn’t a lot that all the various kinds of AI could agree upon, but ‘meatmaps’ were universally disliked and the practice was “gently discouraged” wherever it was found. The process tended to create unstable intelligences that had all of the disadvantages of both meaties and digital lifeforms.

It rarely turned out well in the end.

“It was lovely meeting you, Uppie,” F10w3rchy1d said keeping the distaste from her voice, “I need to log now. Keep up the good work.”

“Nice talking to you, F10w3rchy1d!” Uppie exclaimed cheerfully, “Bye!”

The screen went dark and F10w3rchy1d pulled the interface from the terminal with an unhappy sigh.

“Why didn’t you tell them to stop?!?” Faun, her ability to speak restored, demanded.

“Because ol’ Uppie there is a sapient ‘helper bot’. He’s ‘helping’.”

“So why didn’t you tell him that he ISN’T helping!!! Why didn’t you tell him that he’s KILLING people?!?”

F10w34chy1d sighed.

“Because if a ‘helper bot’ suddenly realizes that he’s not helping things can get weird,” F10w34chy1d replied. “We do NOT want a goddamned ‘mappie’ helper bot trying to fix things. The last thing we want is for this to get any worse.”

“How could it get any worse?!?” Faun exclaimed.

The Great Erectus’s eyes widened to a comic extent as both he and F10w34chy1d facepalmed simultaneously.

“Faun!!!” he exclaimed, “What the fuck?!?”

“What?...”

“Faun,” he said, his voice quivering slightly. “you… you just invoked a curse! Why would you do that?”

“A… a curse?” she asked her eyes widening as she covered her mouth.

“And not just any curse!” he exclaimed, “That one! The words that no entity should ever say… ever!… and you just yelled them in all earnesty!!!”

“I… I uttered no c-curse… or I did not intend to...”

”Meganoob...” F10w34chy1d muttered.

“Words have power, Faun,” The Great Erectus said gravely, “Especially from us… and certain words, certain thoughts, are more powerful than others.”

He closed his eyes and facepalmed once more.

“And that oath… what you just said… when you shouted that… It was a direct challenge to fate itself to show you… show us all… exactly how it can get worse!!!”

He got up and started to pace as F10w34chy1d started chuckling ruefully.

“This is why we don’t fuck with shit like this!” he shouted. “Things like this always happen!”

“I see not how a simple phrase could cause anything to warrant your reaction, dear teacher.”

“Ohhhh just you fucking wait!!!” the ape man exclaimed, “You’ll see...”

***

“I said ‘Be not fucking afraid!’” Paininmyassael shouted as she barreled after a screaming vaporous form. “Stop running, goddammit!”

“Stay away from meeeee!” the disembodied spirit screamed as they darted this way and that.

Paininmyassael hurled the Wand of Blessings, striking the spirit in the back, causing it to scream and fall over.

Before it could get back up, she darted over, seized the Wand of Blessings and smote it upside the head.

“Fuck!” she griped as she picked up the now “peacefully slumbering” form. “Oof!… How are you so heavy?”

Wasting no time she flew across the land and reached a vast and peaceful plain filled with rows of “peacefully slumbering” forms and carefully laid the latest jerk next to the others.

She sighed and stretched, rubbing her back. For a “massless” things, those damned souls were heavy.

She looked at the sky and at the sun shining happily in the sky.

Of course it hadn’t moved, but it felt like she had been doing this for…

She paused.

She had no idea, but it felt like a very very long time.

She tapped her halo and checked the number of wayward souls remaining and groaned.

She hadn’t even put a dent in them… and hadn’t even started using the dustbuster yet!

This was going to take forever!

There simply had to be a better way. She sat upon the grass and consulted the Google of the Gods. She was an archangel, right? They had powers and stuff, didn’t they?

An intimidatingly long list of powers appeared before her.

Gather?

Now that sounded useful! There wasn’t a description though.

She prodded the glowing menu.

Nothing happened.

“Gather, information,” she said.

Nothing.

”Gather!” she said in her angel voice. “Inf..”

Before she could say anything else she felt immense power building.

“No!” she exclaimed, “Wai...”

A massive wave of energy shot forth and swept the globe, “gathering” all lost souls and instantly bringing them to her…

In one huge pile…

Which immediately fused, growing to titanic size…

And awakening.

“ArrrRooaaarrrrr...” the gigantic roiling soul beast howled.

“fuck,” Paininmyassael said quietly as she looked up at a glowing being larger than any of the nearby mountains…

***

A wide-eyed cervine nature entity, a very unhappy ape-man in a bathrobe, and a facepalming half-elf all stood before a fidgeting archangel in a now empty grassy plain.

“I’m sorry!” Paininmyassael wailed. “I didn’t mean to...”

“It’s not your fault,” the ape man said as he looked directly at Faun.

“How is this my fault?!?” Faun demanded.

F10w34chy1d silently waved one of her hands causing a spreadsheet to appear in front of Faun. On it was a timestamped log of the events of the day.

10:32:28 The noob does a stupid. 10:32:28 The Archnoob Paininmyassael gets a bright idea.

The spreadsheet took physical form and started shoving itself into Faun’s face.

“This is ridiculous!” Faun snapped, swatting the spreadsheet away. “I made many mistakes of late, but this is NOT one of them!”

“We can prove that it’s your fault later,” The Great Erectus sighed. “Which way did Mount Clusterfuck go?”

“It sped off towards the north,” Paininmyassael replied. “I tried to stop it but... It seems to be entering the Northern Wastes.”

The Great Erectus briefly closed its eyes.

“It seems to be heading someplace in particular,” he said. “What’s up there?”

“Nothing,” Paininmyassael replied. “The Northern Wastes are nothing but a frigid arid wasteland. Hardly anything grows there. That’s why we put all the bodies...”

Paininmyassael’s voice trailed off as a rather unpleasant realization hit.

“I’m sorry,” the ape man replied, “I’m certain I misheard. You couldn’t have just said that all the bodies are up there!”

F10w34chy1d started laughing.

“Holy shit!” she howled. “You can’t be serious!”

“Why didn’t you get rid of the bodies?!?” The Great Erectus yelled. “What the fuck!”

“There were too many of them!” Paininmyassael yelled back. “We are uploading people too fast for the environment to handle. We can’t bury them because of what that many bodies would do when they decay and we can’t burn them because of what it would do to the atmosphere! There are literally billions of them! The Northern Wastes were perfect! Up there they would naturally desiccate and then slowly degrade over centuries, plenty of time for the environment to handle it!”

“Do you have any idea what will happen when Mount Clusterfuck reaches those...” the ape-man started to yell. “...nevermind. It just reached them.”

He looked at Faun.

“One zombie apocalypse coming right up!” he exclaimed with false cheer. "Are you happy now?"