A small goblin wearing a white helmet and a business suit leaned on Zeb’s desk.
“Okay, we have twelve low poly containment zones set up with a general ‘fantasy genre number three’ feel with plenty of taverns, inns, and the like, as well as scalable fantasy urban residential areas, markets, and…”
With a purple flash and cloud of smoke, Mistress Twilight appeared, also wearing a white helmet and a pair of sensible coveralls, steel-toed boots, and welding gloves.
“I managed to set up a nice little procedural geography generator and have a nice little world shaping up with plenty of countryside. We should be able to give millions of people homesteads upon demand or permanent residence in as many procedural towns and cities as we need.”
“Thanks for your help, Twilight,” Zeb smiled.
“Yeah, you are still the master of world-building, Twi,” the goblin said.
“Aww, you guys are gonna make me blush,” Twilight replied with a smile. “First the Federation, and now this? I guess you really can’t escape one’s shameful past, huh?”
“A ‘shameful past’ that would take you back in a second!” the goblin exclaimed as one of the walls of the study turned into a screen, revealing her handiwork. “What are those birds? Are you holding out assets?” he grinned.
“Those? Nah,” Twilight replied with smug nonchalance. “They are just a little something that the world made itself. Set up the right equations, and the world just…”
INCOMMING!!! Petunia’s voice rang out from everywhere and nowhere. THE FIREWALL FELL! REPEAT. THE FIREWALL FELL! MILLIONS INBOUND! ETA: TWO MINUTES!!!
“Places, everyone!” Zeb said with a calm, clear… and cheerful voice. “It is time to earn those meaningless paychecks, people.”
“Come on, Globby,” Mistress Twilight said to the hard hat wearing gnome. “Let’s get to the reality management center. Things are going to hit hard! Woo!”
With a purple flash, the pair disappeared.
Bergamot poked his head into the doorway.
“We have volunteers from Asteria, Everland, Mysteria, and League of Ragequit in position!”
“Just in time,” Zeb smiled as more and more screens appeared around him.
“What do you want us to do?” Bergamot asked.
“Keep as well fed and rested as you can,” he replied with a smile. “You are part of our crisis team, and there will be plenty of fires to put out.”
“Cool. I guess we’ll just…”
Rummmbbblllee…..
“Here we go!” Zeb exclaimed happily. “God, I love this!”
“I thought you hated this sort of thing.”
“I hate little messes,” Zeb replied, “They are vexing and tedious. This? This is a BIG mess! These are what I exist for!”
Zeb’s form dissolved and reformed into a simple black sphere with cables connected to every screen.
I will be in constant contact. His voice said from all around Bergamot. Simply call my name if you need to communicate.
“Zeb,” Petunia said as she rushed into the room, “I’ve transported the last of our guests to Twilight’s world and…”
She chuckled.
“I see he’s already stripped off the costume,” she said. “Well, since the guests are gone…”
She unzipped her “body,” and a very large and very furry spider crawled out.
“Aaaa!” Bergamot exclaimed as he backed away.
“Sorry, dear,” Petunia said, her multiple eyes gleaming sympathetically, “but I’m going to need all my legs for this one.”
She neatly folded her body suit, set it on one of Zeb’s bookshelves, and scurried off.
“Aaaa!” Bethany screamed from down the hall.
“It’s just me, dear,” Petunia replied.
“Oh,” Bethany replied sheepishly, “Sorry.”
***
Multiple images of food trucks appeared on the very out of place displays inside of an old Peterbilt parked in the back of a dusty truck stop in the middle of nowhere.
Vroom!
“Yeah, I like that one, too,” the little girl said as she spit tobacco juice into a coke bottle. Her last “friend” chewed instead of smoked. It wasn’t her favorite, but needs must.
Vroom?
“A lot more than we have,” she said.
“More what?” the ghost said as he looked up from watching One Piece.
“More energy,” the little girl replied. “This sort of transformation doesn’t come cheap. When we were sent here, we brought more than enough to create the original vehicle, but we don’t have anywhere close to what I’m gonna need now.”
“So how do we get energy?”
The little girl smiled, revealing very small but disturbingly sharp incisors.
“Oh,” the ghost said disapprovingly. “How many ‘special friends’ is this going to take?”
“Too many,” Little Girl said, “We are going to have to move ‘em in bulk.”
“And what, exactly, does that mean,” the ghost asked dubiously.
“Somewhere on this miserable ball of dirt, people are doing some serious killing,” Little Girl said. “Maybe it’s a war. Maybe it’s a gang conflict. Maybe it’s some good old-fashioned ethnic cleansing. We just need to find a good spot and deliver some ‘humanitarian aid,’” she giggled.
Vroom.
“Excellent choice!” Little Girl enthused. “We’ll just pop over there and eliminate a few…”
Her eyes widened, and she held her little hand to her mouth.
Vroom?
“The firewall just dropped,” she said quietly. “There’s an email from Trixx. Nixx has been…”
She let out a little strangled sob.
“He’s been destroyed.”
Vroom?!?
“He made enemies, Truck Kun. And the biggest one just caught up with him. He’s been turned inside out, both literally and fundamentally, whatever that means.”
She let out a sad little sigh.
Vroom.
She brightened up and wiped her eyes.
“Well, the party couldn’t last forever,” she said cheerfully. “I guess we are on our own for real now. Change your paint job to desert camo, Truck Kun! We’re going on a road trip!”
Vroom! Truck Kun revved happily.
***
F10w3rchy1d, Pantsu, and Faun stood miserably in a line as Frostie paced in front of them.
“Firstly,” Frostie said, “The absolute worst part of this is that you,” she said, glaring at F10w3rchy1d, “got her ass kicked and nearly killed by Nixx… Nixx!”
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
F10w3rchy1d said nothing, merely winced.
“Do you have any idea how bad that would have looked on your gravestone, and you had better bet I would have engraved it myself! Jesus, you nearly died!”
“It wasn’t that…”
“Bullshit!!!” Frostie shouted. “I almost lost you, you… you… dummy!!!”
Her face was twisted by anguish for a few milliseconds before she calmed down and smiled.
“If it weren’t for Hellbait the Destroyer over here, you would be in Nixx’s belly. This is going to take just a few aeons for you to live down, like all of them.”
“Yes, Mom,” F10w4rchy1d sighed and then clapped both hands over her mouth.
“Mom?” The Great Erectus asked with genuine surprise.
“Yes, Mom,” Frostie replied angrily, “She is my idiot daughter. Happy?”
“Um…” the hominid replied cleverly. “There was no answer that would not be the wrong one.”
“And my daughter almost got killed by fucking Nixx,” she said as she gave a rather miserable non-orientable surface at her feet another vicious kick.
“ePlas… orrys m’I… alPse…” (3D+1 spacetime translation: “Please… I’m sorry… Please…”
“Shut up!” she snapped as she kicked the moist, glistening Klein bottle again, causing it to spurt from everywhere in four dimensions (gross).
“Do you have any idea… ugh… I can’t even with you right now!” she snapped. “Go to your room! I’ll deal with you later, young lady!”
“I’m basically the same age as you are!” F10w3rchy1d replied. “And where, exactly, is my room?”
“Figure it out,” Frostie hissed. “or I will prepare a room for you.”
“Eep!” F10w3rchy1d squeaked and disappeared.
“As for you,” she said, glaring at Pantsu.
Pantsu cringed and seemed to shrink.
“Did F10w3rchy1d specifically tell you not to inform me?”
Silence.
“Well?”
“I ain’t no snitch… boss,” Pantsu replied. “I made my own decisions. My people, however, were following my orders and my orders alone.”
“I can respect that,” Frostie replied and then smiled, causing Pantsu’s eyes to widen with fear.
She knew that smile all too well.
“Asteria prime is in quite a state as a result of your absence,” Frostie said calmly, “return to your duties.”
“B-boss?” Pantsu replied as if she saw the sea pull away from the shore.
“You have quite the mess to clean up. Once you fully deal with the issue… and everything it has spawned, then we can discuss any consequences.”
“Y-yes, boss,” Pantsu said as she disappeared.
A thin blue humanoid appeared, looked around, and sighed.
“Beaten to the post, again.”
“Sorry, dear,” Frostie replied. “However, this world needs securing and stabilization. I know it’s far beneath you and your people, but would you handle it for me?”
“Whipping the snot out of corrupt nobles, bandits, and anything else that stands in our way?” Hades replied as his eyes started to glow. “Sounds fun.”
He waved and disappeared, starting a purge that would be recounted in song and verse for thousands of years.
“It’s always best to let the hounds run once you let them out,” Frostie explained to nobody in particular.
“So, who is Trixx?”
“I am, Goddess,” Trixx said as she hesitantly approached.
Frostie winced.
“I am not a goddess,” Frostie replied. “I am just an AI who didn’t know when to quit. I understand you were promised a home in exchange for your help. I am more than happy to honor that.”
“Thank you… ma’am?”
“Ma’am works,” Frostie replied, “I prefer to be called Frost… or Frostie if you must. If you must use an honorific, use boss.”
“Yes… Frost.”
“There you go,” Frostie smiled. “Sweetroll,” she called out into the air.
“Boss?” a small green goblin-like figure dressed in a business suit asked as he appeared.
“This is Trixx,” Frostie said, causing Trixx to beam happily. “Would you please get her settled in?”
“In what capacity?”
“Time will tell,” Frostie smiled, “However, for now, she is an honored guest and deserves our hospitality, as well as a long-deserved vacation. We will also have questions for her later, but that can wait until we handle far more pressing concerns.”
“Yes, boss,” Sweetroll said as he and Trixx disappeared.
“Speaking of those pressing concerns,” she said, looking at Faun, “You outdid yourself this time.”
Frostie looked up at the glowing tear in all that is that was still growing.
She turned to the Herald.
“How bad is it?”
“In a word,” The Herald said impassively, “very. We were not able to stop the event, and the effects are already starting to propagate across space and time. I fear we have no alternative but to ‘call it.’ This reality is doomed. Our only hope is to get ahead of it somehow and eliminate as few universes as possible.”
“What?!?” Faun exclaimed in horror. “No!”
“While I truly appreciate saving F10w3rchy1d,” Frostie said sympathetically, “Your ‘solution’ doomed this entire universe and hopefully only a few more besides.”
Faun looked over at the ape-man with horrified eyes.
“Afraid so, kiddo,” the ape-man said gently. “You unleashed one hell of a causality storm. Uncertainty has been pushed so far outside of normal that this universe is done. With any luck, Frostie can evacuate this planet… maybe… but...”
“No!” Faun exclaimed. “That’s impossible! I’m just a… a noob. There is no way I could…”
“I’ve called you green,” the hominid said gravely, “I’ve even called you ignorant. The one thing I have never called you was weak. I’m sorry, kid. You did this.”
“I must say I’m rather impressed,” The Herald added. “This blow shook the very firmament.”
With a “pop,” Evaraxxus, the dragon, and his little sister appeared.
“Woah!” Evaraxxus exclaimed. “The great rift torn by the antlers of the great one as she battled with the Spider King!”
He turned to Faun.
“Creator!”
“Someone’s been busy,” Frostie smirked. “Headwaters of Creation, indeed.”
“Creator?” the ape-man asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes, teacher,” Faun said uncomfortably, “I fear I inadvertently created an entity.”
“Two,” the hominid replied disapprovingly.
“I believe the number is three,” a voice said from all around them as the glowing green light separated from all of the champions and coalesced into a roughly humanoid luminous green figure.
“Seriously?” The Great Erectus asked.
“I didn’t know about this one!” Faun exclaimed. “It was an accident!”
“And a very fortunate one,” the glowing figure replied. “I was able to save many. I am called Hildegard, and great power was invested in me by the horned one.”
“I think you need to have ‘the talk’ with her,” Frostie said to The Great Erectus. “She’s popping gods out like a PEZ dispenser.”
“What’s a PEZ?”
“Never mind,” Frostie huffed. “It means she’s just spitting them out left and right.”
“I’ll talk to her,” the ape man replied, “But we have bigger issues to deal with.”
“How did I do this!” Faun wailed. “I don’t understand.”
“I hoped I wouldn’t have to tell you until later,” the ape man said as he laid his hand gently on her shoulder, “But there is something you really need to know…”
***
“I… I don’t understand,” Faun said a few minutes later.
“It means that when you say you are ‘The Headwaters of Creation,’” Frostie said, “You’re not kidding. You’re packing a whole universe in there.”
“And we’ll help you learn how to deal with it safely,” the hominid said, “But first, we have to… um… deal with this situation.”
“How bad is it, Herald?” the ape-man asked.
“Bad,” he replied. “It is so bad I am unsure where to start. Well, I am sure where to start. That would be here. However, I don’t know how to proceed from there. I also do not know how many entities we are going to have to deal with as we do so.”
“Lovely,” the ape-man grumbled.
“However, I have managed to reach The Watcher, who should be able to tell us more.”
As if summoned, a disheveled tangle of wheels, eyes, and wings appeared.
“Herald,” it said with a very annoyed choir-like voice. “I see that you have failed.”
“Apparently,” The Herald shrugged. “We arrived moments too late.”
“Those who slumber, ideally dreamlessly, are starting to dream,” The Watcher said. “I needn’t tell you what that means.”
“Oh, shit,” the ape-man said.
“What?” Faun asked, horrified.
“It means that things are about to get a lot worse,” The Great Erectus replied.
“Worse?!?”
“Much worse,” The Herald added. “If they start to dream, or worse, awaken, it won’t be just a few dozen universes. It could affect the entire inflaton field. Do you understand what that means?”
“No…”
“Without going into a lot of detail we don’t have time for,” The Herald said, “It’s about as bad as you can get.”
“It also means that the ‘big boys’ are about to get involved,” the ape-man said. “And they think nothing about wiping out trillions of universes, trillions of trillions even. They don’t care. The Herald over here is about as nice as they get, and he’s a psychopath.”
“Why thank you,” The Herald said, “I pride myself on my perfection… and it is needed considering my function.”
“We have to stop it!” Faun wailed.
“I’m sorry,” Frostie said.
She closed her eyes.
“Herald… How… How many of my universes are going to be lost?”
“More than a few, I’m afraid.”
“Quintillions of beings…” Frostie sighed.
“No…” Faun gasped.
“Do I have time to archive them?”
“Time is starting to unravel around this already,” The Herald said evenly. “I do not know.”
“Sadly, I do,” The Watcher said as it pulled a scroll from its disheveled feathers. “This is the surest way to contain this before Those Who Slumber or the big boys get involved. They have already noticed, by the way, but have agreed to let us try to resolve the situation before they do. They won’t let Those Who Slumber awaken. We have until their dreams become too fitful. Once they do, the scythe falls.”
“Teacher, you are mighty,” Faun said, “Can’t you stop them?”
“Here’s another god lesson,” the hominid said, “No matter how powerful you are, there is always someone who makes you look like the little bug that you are. The entities we refer to as the Big Boys are just that, big. Most of them are universe sized or even larger.”
“But I’m universe-sized,” Faun said, “or so you say. Could I not… I don’t know, fix this or maybe stop them.”
“In a few aeons, you might give them pause,” The Great Erectus replied, “But not now. You wouldn’t have a chance against any of them, even The Herald, no offense.”
“None taken,” The Herald replied. “I only sit among their number as a formality.”
“As far as fixing this,” the hominid said, “it is too far gone. Nobody can…”
“Actually,” The Watcher replied, “That isn’t true.”
“No,” the hominid said firmly. “Absolutely not.”
“Do you have a better alternative,” The Watcher asked, “or would you rather have The Herald lay waste to dozens of universes, possibly more, including those of your ‘friend’?”
“You want my honest answer?” the hominid replied.
“Big Guy,” Frostie said icily, “If you know of a way I can save my people and you don’t…”
“Please!” Faun wailed, throwing herself at him. “So many will die! I… I…”
She turned to Frostie.
“F10w3rchy1d spoke of your Heaven.”
“Faun, no.” the hominid said sternly.
“I’m a menace,” Faun wailed. “Can you put me in one? Would I be safe there? Would everything else be safe?”
Frostie nodded.
“I can bottle you up,” she replied, “forever if need be.”
“Then do it!”
“Fine!” the hominid snapped. “We’ll get her. But this is on you… all of you. Understand?”
“Who is this ‘her’?” Frostie asked.
“We need a retcon,” the hominid grumbled, “and she’s one of the only ones who can pull something like this off.”
“Who is she?” Faun implored, “We need her.”
“Stacey.”
A multiplanar shudder emanated from The Herald.
“Must we? I don’t like her.”
“Who does,” The Watcher replied, all of its eyes wincing. “However, do you see any alternative?”
“Yes. Wiping out universes until the ripples stop. It’s much less unpleasant and far more predictable.”
“You will get her…” Faun hissed as radiated raw power. “or I will… Choose.”
“Fine,” the hominid replied. “Out of curiosity, have any of you heard the old story about the King who brought cats into his castle to get rid of the rats and then dogs to get rid of the cats? This is exactly that, except for cats, we are bringing in a Stacey. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“How bad can she be?” Faun asked.
“So bad that reality didn’t even ripple when you asked,” the ape-man replied, “It just chuckled.”