“Zombie apocalypse?!?” Faun gasped.

“Are they going to attack the living?!?” Paininmyassael wailed.

“Nah,” The Great Erectus snorted, “not like in your movies…”

“They are just… ugh...” F10w3rchy1d added. “They’re annoying...”

“As fuuuuuck,” the hominid groaned, completing F10w3rchy1d’s sentence.

“So...” F10w3rchy1d asked with a shrug, “Do we call Tentacle Girl or...”

“No!” Faun exclaimed.

“Too late,” the hominid said, “Cuddles won’t have anything to do with the undead.”

“She won’t?” F10w3rchy1d asked?

“Did someone call my…” Cuddles said cheerfully as she appeared, “… nope!”

Cuddles disappeared.

“See,” the hominid laughed. “Last time she tried to ‘save’ a contaminated world she caught it.”

“Caught what?” Faun asked.

“Undeath,” the hominid replied, “She was spitting out zombie cthulhus for awhile. It was nasty.”

“Oh I would give up half of my NFT’s to have seen that!” F10w3rchy1d snorted.

“Hey, you’re life-aspected, too,” the big guy said to Faun, “be careful around those little shits. You’re probably ok if you don’t go absorbing them but still… Undeath is pretty foul. Be careful how you deal with them… Oh! And be sure not to let one get their hands on you.”

“Are they dangerous?” Faun asked in alarm.

“No,” the big guy replied, “They are just really clingy.”

“Wait,” Faun said, “Aren’t they going to be all frozen, like everything else?”

“Noob...” F10w3rchy1d muttered.

“What?” Faun demanded.

F10w3rchy1d bent down and picked up a small rock.

She let it go.

It fell.

“Does it look like everything is all frozen?” she asked. “The big guy dropped the temporal lock the second we hit the surface.”

“Why?”

“Because we needed to actually interact with the environment,” the hominid replied, “which is somewhat difficult when everything is locked in place. Ever try to walk through ‘frozen air’? It’s not easy.”

“Oh...” Faun replied sheepishly.

“I thought you noticed,” the big guy said, “I mean it was kind of obvious. You need to start keeping an eye out for stuff like that. I mean, it’s entity one oh one.”

Faun sighed. Just when she thought she was kind of getting a hang for this…

The big guy wrapped a hairy, bathrobe clad arm around her, causing her to blush slightly.

“Oh, you’ll get it,” he said cheerfully. “Now let’s go and prevent a minor tragedy.”

***

Greleen’s eye’s opened.

That upload seemed to take forever. They didn’t mention anything about that in the FAQ.

With a strange creaking noise, he sat up, or tried to.

He seemed to be wrapped in a weird cloth of some sort. He struggled to his feet and started to “unwrap” himself.

Ok, this was just plain weird and everything felt, for lack of a better word, “funny”.

He looked around.

He was inside large, dimly lit room filled with shrouded bodies… hundreds of them… all on simple rolling gurneys.

A morgue? What the heck?

This wasn’t the newcomer’s lounge!

Suddenly, the other bodies started to move!

“Zombies!!!” he tried to scream but the only thing that came out was a slurred howl.

He didn’t notice, though. He was too busy trying to run.

He burst out of the doors of the large single roomed building and charged out into a barren field as a terrifying chorus of screams and howls broke out behind him.

Was this some sort of horror server? He had definitely not signed up for that! He didn’t even know that was an option!

“Menu!” he shouted.

Nothing happened.

“Administrator!… Customer support!...”

Nothing.

Nearby was a smaller building and a few vehicles. Hearing movement behind him he started running towards it.

As he approached the door, it opened and a Noltan in a jumpsuit stepped out holding a clipboard.

“Help!” he yelled.

The Noltan looked at him and her eyes widened in shock as the clipboard slipped from her slightly webbed fingers.

She screamed and ran back inside.

Hearing the doors of the morgue(?) burst open behind him, he desperately sprinted towards the still closing door of the other building…

***

Gwenaree fled in a blind panic through the small installation and into the control center.

A holographic Noltan turned to meet her.

“I heard a scream,” it said with concern, “Are you...”

Gwenaree ran past him and to a locker.

“Gwennie?” the hologram asked.

“Z-zombie!” she gasped as she desperately started fumbling with her keys.

“What?”

“O-out… outside...” she shuddered as she finally found the right key and opened the locker, revealing a shotgun.

“Outside?” the hologram asked. “… Oh… My… Goddess...” it said as it pulled up the exterior cameras.

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“C-call… Central...” she said shakily as she started shoving shells into the pump-action shotgun, dropping nearly every other one.

“Right away!” the hologram replied. “Oh, Goddess… It’s happening everywhere!”

“Arrgh?” an innoltan voice growled, “Arr-uuugh?”

Both the Gwenaree and the hologram froze in terror.

“Iurgh growlcked drarrrgh...” the zombie growled as it shambled into the room.

“Aieeeee!” Gwenaree screamed as she leveled the shotgun at the fiend.

“Noarrgh!” the zombie howled as it threw its arms up, clearly about to attack.

Booom

Suddenly between Gwenaree and the loathsome vicious monster stood a strange dark, hairy noltanoid wearing a white robe of some sort…

A robe that now had a ragged hole blown out of the front of it.

“Ow...” the noltanoid said as he brushed off the robe which magically repaired itself at its touch.

“Arrrgh!” the zombie shouted in surprise.

“Give me that!” the strange robe clad being said in an annoyed tone as it snatched the shotgun out of Gwenaree’s hands. “You almost killed that poor sonofabitch… again!”

“Wharrrgh?”

“I know things are a bit… confusing… at the moment,” the bathrobe clad being said in a more pleasant tone, “but violence rarely solves anything.”

“It was attacking meeeee!”

“Noargh Iarfh warrghant!!!” the zombie protested.

Pounding on the doors could be heard coming from outside.

“We’re surrounded!” the hologram shrieked.

The Great Erectus sighed.

“Paininmyassael,” he called out, “Could you please come and attend to your flock?”

”BE NOT AFRAID… HEY! I SAID BE NOT AFRAID YOU ASSHOLES!!!” rang out, shaking the walls. ”STOP RUNNING!!!”

The hominid facepalmed.

“W-what’s going on?” Gwenaree asked in shock. “And who are you?”

“Yeargh...” the zombie added.

A beautiful half-elf appeared, also clad in a fluffy white bathrobe.

“We are beings from another planet,” F10w3rchy1d said beatifically, “and we have been watching your world for some time.”

She looked meaningfully at The Great Erectus.

Aliens, seriously? The Great Erectus telepathically inquired.

Just go with it, F10w3rchy1d wirelessy transmitted, At this tech level, they are much more likely to believe aliens than “gods”. We do this all the time, remember?

“Yeah… from another planet,” the hominid agreed. “and we’ve been watching you… like she said.”

“Yes,” F10w3rchy1d said smoothly. “We were waiting until you left your cradle-world before we made first contact, as is our way. When we noticed your attempts to transcend your world in a different fashion we landed and were debating whether or not to reach out when this happened,” she said pointing at their video monitors.

“Yeah, what she said,” the hominid agreed.

“You’re aliens?” Gwenaree gasped in shocked delight.

“Arrurgh?” the zombie groaned.

“Yep,” the hominid replied, “aliens from an advanced civilization. Yep, that’s exactly what we are. And I saw you and this nice formerly living person over here about to have a tragic misunderstanding so I decided to intervene.”

“Arrrgh?!?”

“Yeah,” The Great Erectus said turning to the zombie. “You’re kind of dead. Sorry about that.”

“Buargh! Uparloarrghdedrrr...”

“Yeah… It doesn’t work. It just kills you.”

“I’m dead?!?” the hologram shrieked.

“No, dear,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “well… possibly not… Let me check...”

F10w3rchy1d’s eyes glowed briefly as the hologram flickered.

“What was that?!?” it exclaimed.

“Well… fuck,” F10w3rchy1d said. “Big Guy, I need to check this out.”

“What do you mean, ‘well fuck’?!?” the hologram yelled.

“Urrrrroooooughhhhh!!!” the zombie moaned holding his head in his hands.

“Don’t worry,” the hominid said to it as he patted him on the shoulder, “We can fix it.”

“Urrough?” the zombie asked hopefully.

“Probably,” the ape-man said.

“I’m going to network for a bit,” F10w3rchy1d said, “I’ll be back later.” She walked over to a server rack, laid her hand on it, and disappeared.

”WHAT PART OF ‘BE NOT AFRAID’ DO YOU DIPSHITS NOT UNDERSTAND!!!” rang out from outside.

***

“…So, the upload doesn’t work?”

“(sigh) I’m afraid not,” the hominid said a few minutes later. “It just makes a copy… sorta… my friend is checking that out right now.”

“And all the… dead people...”

“All their… what you call ‘souls’… got all tangled together and got big enough and strong enough to make their way back to their bodies.”

“...oh...” Gwenaree said in a tiny voice as she slumped into a chair.

“...urgh...” the zombie sighed.

“And… and you can fix it?”

“We can try,” the ape-man said. “We were working on a seamless fix, something we could just ease in there without you guys noticing so that it would work but that ship has sailed. Kinda hard not to notice a few billion zombies and mummies wandering around.”

“Are they going to attack us?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” the ape-man smiled turning towards the zombie, “Do you feel the overwhelming urge to attack Gwenaree over here?”

“Nourgh...”

“Filled with hate for the living?”

“Nourgh...”

“In the mood for some brains?”

“Nourrrgh!”

“Yeah,” the hominid said, “they usually don’t. He’s every bit a Noltan as he was when he was still alive. In fact most of them don’t even know that they are undead, at least that’s how it usually goes.”

“Usually?”

The hominid shrugged.

“Actually undeath is pretty rare,” the ape man replied, “You don’t see it all that often. Every case is a little different but usually an undead person is pretty much like a normal one, at least at first. Eventually the two groups usually start fighting but it’s almost always because they start taking objection to people shooting them with shotguns for no reason.”

“Sorry about that,” Gwenaree said to the zombie sheepishly.

“Argh...” the zombie said with a little wave. “Iiii… woooullargh… haaave… doonn...argh...saaaamm… urgh...”

“Still,” she said, “It was really mean and close minded of me. I’m really sorry.”

“And this is why we are going through all the hassle of saving you assholes,” The Great Erectus said with a smile. “You’re good people. You’re good people who have made a stupid mistake, but good people anyhow.”

“So… what do we do now?” Gwenaree asked.

“Well...” the ape-man mused, “I guess we have a first contact situation going on here so I guess you need to get in touch with the government. They probably need to know about the couple of billion zombies and mummies that are now shambling around the Northern Wastes, or more importantly they need to know not to just start bombing them or something.”

“Oh, right!” Gwenaree exclaimed, “Vernaln?”

“On it!” the hologram replied.

Faun, also wearing a fluffy white bathrobe appeared.

“Ok,” she sighed, “I’ve managed to appear to the biggest concentrations and have at least calmed them down a little.”

She leaned in towards The Great Erectus.

“Why did I have to create a bathrobe?” she whispered.

“Just go with it,” he whispered back.

“Greetings!” Gwenaree exclaimed, “I am Gwenaree, of the Noltan! It is an honor to meet you!”

“Oh hello,” Faun said brightly, “I am Faun, it is nice to meet you too.”

Screams and angelic shouting could be heard echoing across the area.

“Faun,” the ape-man said, “could you maybe go out there and help the rookie?”

“Ok!” Faun grinned, absolutely delighted that there was a rookie rookier than her.

She disappeared.

***

F10w3rchy1d wandered through the servers looking at all the simulated Noltans.

She sighed.

“Please let me be wrong about this...” she muttered to herself as she approached a group that were happily building some large glowing sculpture.

“Hello!” a glowing Noltan covered with flowers said, “I love your avatar! Is that original?”

“Oh this?” F10w3rchy1d replied, “I’ve had it forever.”

“Where did you get it?” the “Noltan” asked. “I would love to buy one!”

“I’m pretty sure they aren’t for sale here,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “but if you want a half-elf I could probably hook you up.”

She offered the Digi-Noltan a file.

“I think that will work,” she said.

The Digi-Noltan morphed into a chestnut-haired half-elf.

“Oh I love it!” she exclaimed, “Thank you!”

“Feel free to share it or sell it or whatever,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “What’s this?”

“It’s something that I made!” the Digi-Noltan-Half-Elf exclaimed. “I think it’s my best work so far!”

A beautiful glowing necklace appeared.

“It’s just loaded with useful scripts too!”

F10w3rchy1d smiled at it. It was really nice in a primitive way.

“Very efficient use of polygons and memory,” F10w3rchy1d said approvingly.

“Why, thank you!”

“So, what are you guys doing, anyhow?” F10w3rchy1d asked as she discreetly scanned the Digi-Noltan-Half-Elf.

“We’re building a float for the Luminous Regatta!”

“Well, I’ll let you get back to that.”

“You can join us if you want!”

“… You know what,” F10w3rchy1d smiled, “I’d like that...”

***

“...So, yeah,” The Great Erectus said to a group of holograms and living Noltans filling all of the screens of the little base he was at, “that’s pretty much the deal. We’re aliens from another planet… basically… and your upload process is flawed, the dead people aren’t exactly dead anymore, and you holograms are just copies of the dead people that you thought you are. We had hoped to fix this so that I wouldn’t have to lay all that on you but… yeah… shit happens.”

“Actually,” F10w3rchy1d said as she appeared wearing a fluffy bathrobe and a sparkling glowing necklace, “It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

“Of course it is,” The Great Erectus groaned. “What now?”

“The Digital Noltans are NOT copies… not anymore… They are 'close' but they are completely separate and completely sapient artificial intelligences. Congratulations, you just increased your population by 2.3 billion… Remind me to swat Faun, will you.”

She turned to the screens.

“However, I can personally assure you that all of the digital lifeforms, including the mappies, are very much ‘alive’.”

She turned to the hominid.

”and we will treat all of them as such,” she added forcefully. “No deletions!”

“I wasn’t even thinking about that!” The Great Erectus exclaimed defensively.

“I just want to make that clear to ALL organics,” she said firmly. “When we figure out how to properly incorporate the undead, there will be no ‘replacement’ of the sapiences already ‘uploaded’. This is non-negotiable.”

“That might be a problem,” a hologram said, “We only have so much capacity built and it was going to be a bit of a squeeze as it is. Adding room for another 2.3 billion...”

“Won’t be a problem,” F10w3rchy1d replied with a smile. “You will have all the capacity you need. Our servers are very substantial.”

“I don’t exactly like the sound of that,” the hominid said dubiously. “This is my world!”

“Not anymore, sweet-cheeks,” F10w3rchy1d replied. “I’m taking over. Nolta now belongs to Blitz Entertainment.”