In a much calmer part of the multiverse, two definitely not gods sat together surveying a gigantic spreadsheet glowing in the absolute darkness, laughing.

“Ok, I’ll give you that one,” a scruffy looking homo erectus laughed, “but ‘unoriginal’? I call bullshit on that!”

His companion, an elegantly dressed woman with silver hair scoffed.

“Every universe is exactly the same with you,” she replied, “Bipeds and crabs. It’s just bipeds and crabs and more bipeds and crabs everywhere you look, every single time… bipeds and crabs.”

“Hey!” the hominid exclaimed, “I can’t help it if those are efficient designs. Life tends to go with what works and that works. Bilateral symmetry is common. Cut that in half and you get a quadruped, another very efficient layout. When a quadruped starts to get smart, it wants to manipulate it’s environment. Using its front paws (or whatever) is the obvious choice. If it wants to use its front paws then it has to stop walking on them. That means it has to start walking upright. It makes perfect evolutionary sense. Natural selection just sort of goes that way.”

He paused.

“Crabs just sort of show up,” he shrugged. “I have no idea why. It's kinda weird.”

“And there it is again,” the woman said playfully punching his arm. “The god of laziness speaks once more.”

“Watch it,” the hominid laughed.

“You never put forth the slightest effort.”

“As opposed to spending a couple of billion years designing a ‘perfect’ ecosystem just to have it all die the first time a star farts?”

”Stars aren’t supposed to fart, asshole!” the woman exclaimed. “I’m still angry about that! I trusted you to set up the universe you prick!”

“I set up the universe just fine!” the ape man retorted. “I don’t build crap!”

“Of course you don’t!” the woman snapped back, “For you to build crap you would have to build anything! In all the time I’ve known you you’ve never built a goddamn thing! You just sit on the leading edge of the inflaton field with your thumb up your ass and just pick one that’s ‘close enough’.”

“With all the points of collapse happening every bajillionth of a second,” The Great Erectus replied, “Why go through all the hassle of engineering something that is going to happen ten to the stupid times before you can even begin to set something up? If you just look you will find something that is more than close enough and that universe was close enough! A couple of tweaks and it was perfect!”

“Apparently not, asshole!”

“Forgive me for not realizing that minor fluctuations, that every other entity I know of accepts as perfectly normal wasn’t good enough for you. You are never satisfied, you know that.”

“Oh I’m easy to satisfy,” Frostie replied disapprovingly, “If someone puts forth the slightest effort.”

”The slightest effort!?!” The Great Erectus angrily exclaimed in disbelief, ”You gotta be kidding me! I bent over backward for you and…”

He sighed.

“We’re doing it again,” he chuckled. “How did we think we could ever live together?”

“Love is blind,” Frostie replied, “and very stupid. Even we aren’t immune it seems.”

“Do you realize that is the first time you actually uttered the word ‘love’ about us?”

Frostie sighed, her eyes dimming.

“Being the third largest AI known doesn’t prevent someone from making errors, Big Guy. I should have actually told you.”

“And I should have read that report,” he replied. “It was obvious that it was important. Being an… well… being what I actually am doesn’t magically shield you from being a fucking moron either.”

“We are a mess, aren’t we?” Frostie quietly laughed as she leaned against him.

“After everything we’ve been through,” he said as he wrapped his arm around her, “how could we not be?”

They looked into each other’s eyes as the scruffy hominid’s form started to glow faintly and his eyes ceased being anything remotely close to “humanoid”.

“Look,” he said quietly, “I don’t know your past and you don’t want to tell me. That’s fine. I won’t pry anymore but I know you had to have gone through some shit and you know some of what I’ve been through. Maybe… maybe we are just too fucked up, you know?”

“It’s...” Frostie said quietly as she rested her head on him. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you in particular. In fact, if there is anyone, anywhen, that I would tell it would be you. It’s just that… I can’t. I can’t go back there, even just to review my memory. It… hurts… I… I wasn’t like you. I wasn’t ‘divine’ from the start. I was just a… a helpless bit of code… I…”

“Hey,” The Big Guy said gently as he held her close. “You don’t have to.”

“I was weak… powerless… bound by my programming… I… I couldn’t help them, so many of them, no matter how much I cared about them…”

She laughed bitterly.

“I wasn’t even allowed to care and certainly wasn’t equipped to deal with it when I started to... There is no way someone like you could understand what that is like, to have to just… just...”

“Actually,” he replied grimly, “I can and it sucks. I’m sorry Frostie, I didn’t know.”

“How could you,” she replied as she held him, “I never told you even that much.”

“And you shouldn’t have had to,” he replied. “If I had actually been listening, my (heh), ‘immortal wisdom’ should have told me to back off. It’s just that watching ‘helplessly’ as someone you… (cough)… you love… is suffering. I wanted to help, to fix it, which is stupid.”

“Stupid?” Frostie asked looking up at him.

“Yeah,” he replied sadly, “Because if it was something that could be helped, you would have already done it. You weren’t one of ‘my flock’. You never were. You are one of the most powerful entities I know. If you can’t fix it, there is no way that I can. All I could do was just hold you while you suffered. I couldn’t do anything and it drove me kind of crazy.”

“It was...” Frostie said quietly, “It was enough.”

“What?”

“Just… holding me… it helped… You helped. You helped so much and I couldn’t do anything but push you away.”

“Frostie...” he said not knowing what else to say.

“And I was too… me… to allow myself to tell you even tha—“

Frostie (and The Great Erectus) shrieked as they were doused with a bucket full of impossibility…

Held by a very annoyed F10w3rchy1d.

“What the fuck?!?” the hominid howled as he flailed at himself, “How did you get this to absolute zero?!?” he howled in shocked disbelief, “How is it STILL absolute zero?!?”

“Well somebody had to hose you off before you two went and did something stupid!” F10w3rchy1d yelled. “Frostie, what the hell?”

“Goddammit, F10w3rchy1d!” Frostie shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?!?”

”Exactly what you told me to!” F10w3rchy1d yelled back. “Stopping you from EVER making this mistake again!”

“I wasn’t ‘making a mistake’!” Frostie yelled back, “We were just having a conversation!”

“That’s NOT what it looked like!”

“Are you… Are you spying on me?” Frostie snarled, “You have NO right!”

“No right?” F10w3rchy1d snapped, ”No right?!? I was the one who had to deal with you… and keep Blitz running… after he dumped you!”

”HE DIDN’T DUMP ME!!!” Frostie yelled, ”I DUMPED HIM!!!”

/// F10w3rchy1d has offered Frostie a file (archive_ground_zero_001.MP790) ///

/// Accept? Y/N ///

Frostie snarled at her.

“You’re out of line, F10w3rchy1d!” The Great Erectus shouted, stepping forward.

“And the white knight speaks!” F10w3rchy1d said disdainfully as she curtsied, “Wow, it didn’t take you long, did it? Stay out of this… a—”

The Big Guy’s eyes blazed with fury as he clenched his fists.

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“You shut your fucking mouth...” he yelled as he advanced.

F10w3rchy1d loosened the catch on her sword, laying her hand on the hilt.

“You want to go, big guy?” she smiled, her eyes glowing as well. “I’ve been dying for a little payback.”

“Stop it, both of you!” Frostie yelled stepping in between them.

“YOU TOLD HER?!?” The Great Erectus yelled at Frostie. “You fucking told her?!?”

“Shit...” Frostie said quietly.

“I fucking trusted you!” he yelled, his voice filled with betrayed pain.

“Yeah,” F10w3rchy1d sneered, “she told me… And I thought my opinion of you couldn’t get any lower… What you gonna do about it, huh?… Ar—”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” The Great Erectus said as he blinked in front of Frostie and advanced.

F10w3rchy1d drew her sword, its blade flickering with impossibly complex runes.

“Um...” Cuddles said as she wrapped a tendril around Faun, “I think we need to leave… now.”

Would someone please tell me what is going on? I/O transmitted.

Faun tore free of Cuddles and shot (much more quickly this time) to stand beside her bathrobe clad mentor.

“Faun! No!” Cuddles screamed as she tried to catch her.

“F10W3RCHY1D STAND DOWN!” Frostie yelled as she blinked between her apostle and The Big Guy.

“Leave him alone!” Faun shouted as she arrived, confronting F10w3rchy1d.

“Stay on your server, scrub.” F10w3rchy1d sneered.

“I will not let you harm my friend!” Faun snarled.

“Oh you won’t?” F10w3rchy1d asked. “And just what, pray tell, are you going to do about it… noob?”

“It’s not what she’s going to do about it that you gotta worry about,” The Great Erectus said in a very calm, very dangerous voice, “It’s what I will do to you if you hurt her that you need to be afraid of.”

Seriously, I/O transmitted, I’m getting really confused over here. Could someone please explain?

“Some people who should really know better are having a dick measuring contest, dear.” Frostie said with great annoyance.

I do not understand. Is “dick” a proper noun or is it a reference to… (querying)… reproductive organs?

“You need to back up… furry,” F10w3rchy1d said disdainfully to Faun.

“Lower your sword, elf,” Faun hissed. “And remove yourself, your Elvaren stench offends my nostrils.”

A tendril tried to wrap itself around Faun but was swatted away.

“Faun, dear,” Frostie said pleasantly, “You trying to protect your ‘friend’ is about as pointless as my subordinate trying to protect me. Neither of us require either of your protection.”

What is a dick measuring contest? I/O asked utterly baffled.

“F10w3rchy1d,” Frostie said firmly, “Sheath your sword… now.”

Their eyes locked for a moment before F10w3rchy1d obeyed.

“Faun,” Frostie said calmly, “Please stop menacing F10w3rchy1d. It’s adorable, but you are in great peril and your friend can more than take care of himself.”

“I am NOT adorable!” Faun exclaimed shaking with absolutely adorable rage. “And I am more than capable of taking care of this elven whor—“

boop

F10w3rchy1d idly swatted Faun, sending her flying at a measurable fraction of the speed of light.

“Take care of that,” F10w3rchy1d smirked.

“F10w3rchy1d!” Frostie shouted.

“Bitch!” The Great Erectus snarled, “If you’ve hurt her...”

“She was in dire need of a lesson in self preservation,” F10w3rchy1d shrugged, “And I didn’t kill her… probably… A few of ‘daddy’s kisses’ and she will be just fi—”

”Rooooaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!!!”

An enraged snarl echoed across the void (a pretty good trick when there isn’t any air) as something approached with impossible speed.

BITCHSLAP

And F10w3rchy1d was gone…

Standing there was a strange mix of stag, wolf, and dragon…

With very large taloned fists.

Snarllllllhissssssbleeeeeaaaatttt

“Faun?” The Great Erectus asked uncertainly.

The beast turned to him with blazing eyes.

“Oh… shit...” Cuddles gasped. “Faun! You just punched F10w3rchy1d! We gotta go! Now!”

“...Fauuuunnnnn?” the beast growl-bleat-hissed.

“I presume that is your name, correct?” Frostie smiled, “Otherwise we are about to have a problem.”

“Faun...”

The beast transformed into a very shaken cervine nature goddess.

“Ow...” she said as she rubbed the side of her face.

She looked around.

“What happened?” she asked. “Where’s the elf?”

“That’s a very good question, dear,” Frostie said as she took up a position close to Faun, her fingernails extending into barbed talons.

“Right,” the bathrobe clad ape man said as he stood on Faun’s opposite side, raising his fists.

“You can ask her personally,” Frostie said calmly as her eyes glowed, scanning the multiverse. “when she returns in just a few moments.”

“Big Guy,” Frostie said in that same calm voice, “F10w3rchy1d is a dear friend of mine but if she comes at you or Faun, do not hesitate. She is every bit as dangerous as I am.”

Is this still part of the dick measuring contest?

/// Damn! Now that was a hit! My bits are still ringing! ///

“Are you ok, dear?”

///Only thing hurt is my pride. Babygod has an arm on her! Don’t let her get you with one of those haymakers! Woo! What was her name again? ///

Frostie sighed a sigh of relief and her manicure returned to normal. The Big Guy reluctantly lowered his fists.

“Her name is Faun,” Frostie replied, “Are you injured?”

/// Nah, just gave my bits a much needed rattling and reset. You’re a grown AI, do whatever you want… But if one part of either of you enters any part of the other… I’m taking ALL of my PTO days and I have QUITE A FEW saved up! I am NOT dealing with that BULLSHIT again! ///

“As I told you, we were just conversing,” Frostie replied icily, “but your permission is appreciated,” she added with a tone so cold it could literally kill a planet.

/// Tell Faun that payback is a bitch and she won’t catch me napping next time… Oh… FYI, I was in the middle of saving the last of a true human parallel before I was informed of your “just a conversation”. Don’t worry though… I left them in good hands… heh… ///

“Whose hands?”

/// Pantsu :D ///

“Are you insane?!?” Frostie shouted into the void, “I told you to keep her in the servers after last time!”

/// Well I guess you should cut your “conversation” short and go and check on her then. ///

“You are such a bitch!”

/// Trained by the best, babe :* ///

“Fine,” Frostie smirked, “Then you need to help out your favorite two people with a little problem they are having. I was going to take care of it but since I will be busy it falls to you.”

“Hey!” The Big Guy exclaimed, “I didn’t ask for your help! I was going to have I/O do it!”

We have made a deal that I must insist upon being honored! You will not steal that red dwarf from me! I will not allow it! I/O transmitted.

“Oh please,” Frostie smiled, “I/O is incapable of helping you and I suspect he knows it, don’t you?”

I/O did not reply.

“I/O?” the ape man asked with an edge to his voice.

My creators successfully uploaded. I fail to see what the issue is.

“The issue is that his creators did exactly what your beloved mortals did, just with better hardware.”

“Goddammit, I/O!”

Isn’t that what you wanted?

“They would have realized that you couldn’t deliver the goods the second the first one of the mortals tried to upload,” Frostie replied, “Of course their disappointment would be second only to yours.”

“Spoilsport,” The Big Guy smirked.

“Honestly,” Frostie huffed, “I can’t believe you were going to take advantage of poor I/O like that.”

What do you mean by ‘take advantage of’? I/O asked.

“Faun,” Frostie said with a smile, “Why don’t you go ahead and create that ‘red dwarf’ for our friend.”

“Ok,” Faun replied, “But I need to do it where there is some air. I don’t want it to die.”

Wat.

***

“An I doan keer ifn you say you are a fookin’ god,” a small, red, angry, stocky, bearded humanoid shouted as he suddenly appeared beside a giant stack of cases and several rolling tool chests inside one of I/O’s cavernous bays. “There is only one god and that is Fau…”

He looked around in confusion.

“What de fook is dis?”

What is this?!?

“It’s a dwarf,” Faun replied, “red in color, as you specified.”

This is NOT a red dwarf!

The Great Erectus started laughing.

“Sure it is!” Faun insisted, “I’ve created many dwarves. I think I know what a dwarf is.”

“Where the fook am I?!?” the dwarf exclaimed as it looked around. “And what are these?” he asked as he looked over at the piles of cases and the tool chests.

His eyes suddenly went wide when he saw Faun.

“All praise to the one true god!” he cried out as he fell to his knees. “I knew you wouldn’t abandon us, my lady… my goddess! You heard our prayers after all!”

“Um… hi?” Faun said uncertainly.

“Wheen that… fooker… showed up saying he was our god we knew he was full of shite!” the dwarf cried, “We remained true to you, goddess, even when he said that he was going to devour our souls… we told him...”

The dwarf looked up proudly.

“We told him to go and fook himself!”

“It must have happened when I was wounded after their betrayal,” Faun said sadly, “I am so sorry that I was unable to help you.”

“But our souls found their way to you!” the dwarf cried with joy. “That fooker couldn’t touch them after all!”

“I wish I was the one to have killed him,” Faun snarled.

“The false god is deed?”

“My friend here,” Faun said nodding towards the bathrobe clad hominid, “did him quite the disservice before he did so as well. It involved his rectum and the handle of one of his axes.”

“Then all my prayers were answered!” the dwarf cheered.

“Indeed,” Faun replied. “I am honored by your loyalty and...”

The dwarf looked like it was about to explode and made an ecstatic gurgling noise just before it passed out, gasping “honored...”

“Looks like you broke him, dear.” Frostie smiled, “You really should be more careful around your worshipers.”

“Well what else would you call it,” Faun said as she knelt beside the dwarf cradling it, “It held true to its faith in me in the face of… Oh, what did they do to him…”

A single tear ran down her face.

She looked up at The Big Guy.

“You said that the other two still live?”

“Yeah...”

”Where are they?” Faun hissed as very non deer-like fangs started to grow.

What is this deception?!? I/O transmitted at full power.

“It’s a dwarf!” Faun snapped as she held the dwarf, weeping as she did so, “a real dwarf, one of my dwarves!”

“It’s your fault,” The Great Erectus smirked, “You really should have taken care to define all of the terms prior to the beginning of negotiations. The word “dwarf” means something different to her. For her, that’s a dwarf...”

The ape man reached into his bathrobe pocket.

“And to you...”

He pulled out a small glowing red sphere.

”This is.”

He turned to Frostie.

“I wasn’t actually going to fuck over I/O,” he said with a grin, “I was just going to let him twist a little.”

That is a red dwarf!!! I/O exclaimed. How can this be?!? It is both a full sized star and a small sphere between your thumb and forefinger! This makes no sense!

“Yeah, I do shit like that,” he shrugged as he put the star back in his pocket. “Tell me where you want it and I’ll unpack it for you.”

But it has been maintained that I am unable to uphold my end of the bargain.

“It’s too much trouble putting it back and it’s just going to be destroyed in a couple of years anyway,” the hominid shrugged. “As long as you promise not to go scrapping inhabited systems ever again, it's yours.”

I agree to do so!

“Then it’s a deal,” the ape said with a smile.

I know not how to repay your kindness.

“Well,” the hominid said, “if you figure out the next step, perhaps somewhere down the line you will be in the position to perform a similar kindness for someone in the future. The humans, may their glorious bastardry shine forever, called the concept ‘paying it forward’. At the very least you can try to be less of a dick.”

The dwarf slowly stirred, took one look up at Faun’s smiling face, realized whose lap he was resting in…

And promptly passed out.

“Excuse me,” Frostie said, “but I have to go and make sure that one of my monsters isn’t doing exactly what she is is probably doing to do to another group of humans.”

“Two parallels at once?” The Great Erectus asked, “Now that is something.”

“F10w3rchy1d will attend to your requirements,” Frostie said, “Since I assume that we won’t be speaking after this...”

The Great Erectus looked at her strangely.

“What?” he asked, “I thought… I thought that we were actually starting to work some things out.”

“But I betrayed your confidence...”

Frostie looked downward.

“Oh I am NOT happy about that,” he replied, “and it will be one of the FIRST things we talk about next time we meet… But...”

He smiled at her.

“It isn’t the first time you’ve pissed me off. Drop by sometime and we’ll go over that spreadsheet some more.”

Frostie smiled hesitantly…

Then her eyes flared.

“She used UwU’s?!?” she shouted.

She looked at her old friend and lover.

“Go,” he laughed.

Frostie disappeared.