I flinch awake, the rapidly fading memory of something terrible from a nightmare disappearing to the back of my mind. But it doesn't matter, the waking world is no better. My breath is coming rapid and shallow. I jolt up, and immediately regret it. All of my insides are tied in knots.
The next thing I know, I'm stumbling into the wash room, just in time to throw up everything inside me. But it only makes me feel even worse. When there's nothing left, I keep kneeling over the bowl, crying and retching. God, why does everything hurt?
“...Seiko...?” The quiet, hesitant voice from behind makes me jump anyway. When I spin around on the floor, I see Leona hovering in the doorway. She looks like shit, nothing but anxiety and stress in her expression and posture. “...How are you feeling?”
“Uuuuuu....” I cry wordlessly. I can't manage anything else at this point. Leona kneels down to the floor, opening her hands out wide. I crawl over to her on my hands and knees, practically into her lap, but stop short.
My hand trembles, reaching for her, but I'm scared. Why am I so afraid? My fingers hover, a hair off from her shirt shaking uncontrollably. Why do I feel like this? What's wrong with me?
Leona waits patiently, like a statue, prepared to take me into her arms, whenever I'm ready. But I'm not ready. I curl up, pressing my forehead to the floor. I can barely think through the throb of pain from my head and stomach and heart. The lasting nausea and every one of my emotions screaming that I am not ok.
I end up sobbing on the floor, I have no idea for how long. When I'm too delirious to go on, Leona whispers to me comfortingly. How things will be alright. That I'm safe here. She'll watch over me. Protect me.
Eventually, she gets me to lay my head in her lap. Something about the contact is such a relief, it makes me cry all over again, to the point where I start hiccupping randomly. Then Leona's mobile rings, and she releases a long sigh.
When she answers, I soon realize it's Mejja on the line. She tells him there won't be any checkup data today, and when he asks why, she tells him what happened. Hearing it said aloud, I break down even further, fingers scratching at the tiled floor.
I can't take this. It hurts too much. I don't know what to do.
“Shit. I can hardly hold that against you,” Mejja sighs. “I didn't expect someone like that to butt into our business. Keep me updated, I'm going to try running interference, keep his connections and high command off your backs. I need you to stabilize Maka-san's condition, do you think you can do that?”
“I don't know, Mejja. This isn't the kind of trauma you just get over. There's a reason women don't get through basic you know. And Seiko's already been through sexual abuse before. I'm worried, Mejja. Seiko is strong, but everyone has a limit.”
“I see... Should I send Allanna?”
“No!” I flinch away when Leona suddenly raises her voice. “Oh, no no no, Seiko, it's fine,” she instantly switches, cooing and gesturing soothingly. “I wasn't shouting at you.” I know that, but... I wrap my arms around my shaking body. I'm scared anyway, some part of my brain screaming danger and fear for no reason... “This is a safe place, nothing bad will happen here, alright? I didn't mean to scare you.” Slowly, she gets me to settle in her lap again.
Only then, she returns her attention to the phone call, speaking softly into it while I grip at the knees of her pants, head resting on her thighs. “Mejja, I'll do my best, just please, leave it to me.”
“Fine, I'll give you a few days. If you don't get Maka-san stable enough for checking by Wednesday, I will send Allanna down there to help.”
Leona hisses through her teeth, then speaks in a careful, controlled voice. “Fine, I'll do my best. Talk to you later.” After she hangs up, Leona leans a little closer. “Hey, Seiko, would you like me to rub your head? I think it would feel nice. What do you think?”
After some hesitation... “Nn.” I nod into her lap.
“Alright, here I go...” she murmurs to me, before I feel her hand come down lightly on the back of my head. “You can always tell me if you're uncomfortable, Seiko. Remember, this is a safe space, and I will respect your boundaries, even if other people won't. You can always, always tell me to stop.”
Between her quiet reassurances and the soothing touch of her hand, I start to cry again. This time because it's nice, when everything else is just pain.
After some time, Leona whispers, “Seiko, would you like to move somewhere more comfortable?” She's right, the floor is hard and everything smells like puke.
I nod into her lap again, and she ever so gently pulls me up, softly coaxing me to take her hands, and leads me over to a bed.
She has me stand briefly as she grabs some stuff and throws it on the bed, then gets me to lie down. I'm on my side, using her thighs like a pillow again, while she strokes a hand through my hair.
My insides are still all so twisted up, it's hard to focus on anything but the one good feeling from her fingers, playing lightly over my scalp.
I relax, just a tiny bit, and I'm asleep.
----------------------------------------
The next thing I know, my eyes are fluttering open. I groan. I'm so hungry and thirsty, but my stomach is still in knots. How do I eat like this...?
My gaze wanders above, seeing Leona, eyes shut, head hanging limply to the side. Her mouth opens and closes with slow, sleeping breaths. Did she... hold me all night?
After all that crying and sleeping, I'm thankfully feeling significantly more put together. Like I'm not going to shatter at the slightest touch. That's... not a very high bar, is it...?
Thinking so, my already low mood sinks further. No, no, I can't just wallow I tell myself. Even if that violation yesterday is still a gaping wound in my heart, I have to keep going. I've been hurt and healed before.
Just... not so badly...
When I was assaulted, there was something I could do about it. Get stronger, or rely on my friends.
What do you do when you realize you have no true bodily autonomy because there are people above you that can do anything they want to you without repercussions? It wouldn't be an issue in those other countries I read about, but in Laros, there will always be people that are above reproach.
I'm slowly realizing that normally, no one needs to worry about that. Military high command practically lives in a different world from normal people like us, it's my change and my involvement with psi-ops that's drawing the attention of the giants down onto my tiny little life beneath their feet.
“Mmmmrrgghh...” I grumble to myself. All this thinking isn't helping me feel any better. Leona hasn't woken up, so I slowly pull myself up, out of her lap. As soon as I shift though, I feel it.
Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.
I look down to find that first, I'm not wearing anything. Literally no clothes at all. Instead of clothing, my lower body is covered in blood. I grit my teeth to keep from screaming. Don't freak out, it's fine, I tell myself. Just period blood, I'm not dying or anything. Deep breaths... After a minute, the panic fades, so I can look myself over calmly.
Shit, I was such a wreck yesterday, Leona probably had to deal with things while I was unconscious. I guess rather than fighting with changing my tampons, she stripped me to keep my clothes clean. My bedding is covered with a number of now-bloody towels, since I've been bleeding into them all night.
I get up, get a few sips of water, then slowly pick up the towels and look around.
That's right, this is my new dorm room, isn't it? Won't Leona get in trouble for staying here overnight? Thinking so, I shake her gently awake.
“Leona, hey Leona.”
She's still sitting up in her sleep, her back against the wall, so she partially loses balance before her head snaps upright, and she's wide awake. I flinch a little at how sudden it is, some part of me ready to panic outright before I remind myself it's just Leona. I probably surprised her more than she surprised me.
I shake the feeling off as she looks at me, pretty much at eye level when she's sitting up on my bed.
“Seiko? How are you feeling?” She starts to ask about me, even as she winces in visible pain and one hand rises to massage one side of her neck.
“I'm feeling a lot better, thanks to you. Really, thank you for staying with me, Leona.” That doesn't even begin to cover how much she helped me while I was at my lowest, like some kind of wounded animal.
“What about you?” I turn the question around. “Won't you get in trouble for staying here?”
Unexpectedly, Leona's response is to smile at me warmly. “Don't worry, Seiko, I'll be fine. Janice Monasta-san is an idiot.”
“Umm?”
“I can teleport, remember? As far as she can tell, I'm in 'my room' right now.” She throws up air quotes with a big grin. I return it. I didn't realize Leona had a plan, that's why she jumped on the chance to 'give up' her room to me.
“Oh god, I love you, Leona,” giggle, and give her a hug. Yes, hugging is nice with people who actually respect me...
“You too, Seiko,” and she pats me on the head.
When we pull away again, another little throb of pain makes me ask, “Leona, could you give me a massage? I still feel like shit...”
“Of course,” she agrees without hesitation, “as long as you're comfortable being touched like that.”
I hesitate, but then nod anyway. There's no one I feel safer with. “It should be fine, I'll tell you if I feel uncomfortable.”
“Alright, how do we do this?” At her question, I grab my mobile and search for it. With a glance at the time, I realize it's like three in the morning. Wow, early...
I find a number of pages and skim them until I land on one that looks like the directions Ken followed.
“Here,” I hand her my mobile, “Ken did this for me and it really helped.”
She nods, looking it over quickly, before she grabs another towel to throw on the bed, and has me lie down.
Just like with Ken, it's a bit stop and go, with some of the spots not accomplishing much, but others are absolutely wonderful. Maybe the best part: I actually feel safe in Leona's hands. Especially with how I'm lying here, naked, covered in blood, and she's touching me in pretty intimate places. At least here, with her, my body is mine. Here, I have some control. That knowledge is probably the biggest help I could possibly receive right now.
It takes a whole lot of time and effort for Leona to relieve my cramps with how awful I feel and all the stress and fear I can't shake hanging over me.
But it does help. When she's finished, I think I can breathe a little easier. The lessened pain also just improves my mood all on its own, surprise surprise.
“Seiko, you should probably get washed up. Then we can get some food, sound good?”
“Yeah, I should probably stop bleeding all over my new room.” At least I'm in a good enough mood for jokes now. When I stand up though, I realize it's not exactly a joke. There are a number of bloody towels in the hamper, some on the bed that I was just lying on, a couple dark spots that look like drops on the floor, and when I open the door into the wash room, I'm met with a small dried puddle from when I just sat on the floor earlier.
Note to self, don't deal with periods by walking around naked...
I get in the shower, letting the hot water run over me. I use a little soap and scrub at my thighs, working to get the dried blood off, then clean myself between my legs, just like the doctor taught me. God, there are so many hard parts to being a girl I never really thought of before. And as much as some of them suck, there's a part of me that's... strangely happy despite everything. Like, somehow getting to experience these pains as a woman is... a good thing? Like it tells me that yes, I really am a girl, no matter what those horrible people say. What a weird feeling...
I take a nice shower, washing my hair and body, and coming out probably a little more light headed than I should be. Should have drank more water...
I do that now, another long drink from the tap, and it helps. When I walk out into my room though, Leona is gone.
“Hmm?” I pick up my mobile, finding a text waiting. Oh, she teleported back to her room, to wait for me to call her over. I text her to let her know I'm out of the shower, and use my time to put in a tampon again so I don't destroy any more of my clothes or room, then get dressed in some random, baggy guy clothes, with a big hoodie. I still have no idea how anyone will react, so I'm just... going to keep things inconspicuous until school starts.
Keeping my body more covered up also makes me feel a little safer...
When there's a knock on my door, I open it, greeting Leona as if she wasn't actually here all night, and we head out together. We're in no mood to cook, so we leave the dorm. I swear, the dorm monitor gives us the worst stink eye, leaving at three thirty in the morning like this.
I don't care, my life has gone completely sideways at this point. We take a shuttle to some side of the road auto-restaurant, open all hours of the day, and order pancakes and eggs. It's food I probably could make myself now, but I don't care. It's warm and it fills my empty, somewhat woozy stomach.
I'm just glad a massage and hot shower eased the worst of my cramps. I still don't eat that much, but what I do is tasty and helps me relax and be happy for a while. I end up snoozing contentedly against Leona's side, right there at the table. When she eventually rouses me, we return to the school.
----------------------------------------
We head up to our room together. To start, we clean up any blood left around and bring all the towels downstairs to wash. There's only one girl up at the time, who tries very hard not to look at the pile of bloody towels we're carrying.
Once they're washed and dried, it's about time. We return to our room. I get dressed in my female uniform. It's mostly the same, except I don't have to put on a tie. The ribbon is already part of the shirt collar. The style of the shirt is a little different from the men's, but I'm still feeling really self-conscious, so I decide to wear the vest too. It covers the slight curve of my breasts and makes me feel a bit more safe.
The biggest difference is the skirt. I've mostly only worn them a couple times at the cosplay cafe, and when I bought a couple. I haven't actually had a chance to wear them since. So now, I swish back and forth a few times, experimentally.
“Seiko, higher, and tuck you shirt in,” Leona advises, helping me get it into position like it should be, tightened up around my waist, rather than down on my hips. It raises the bottom hem of the skirt a good deal above my knees though...
“I'm not going to show anything, am I?” I ask nervously. The simple consideration sends a flicker of that memory flitting through my head. The old man, my pants down, the pain, and tears start to form before I clench my teeth. Force myself to breathe. Can't think about that now...
Leona doesn't notice though, since she's leaning down pretty low to the ground to check, before looking up and shaking her head.
“As long as they don't flip your skirt or something, it should be fine.” Just the possibility makes me shudder. Come on, have to keep it together... I turn my attention to packing my stuff in my bag so I don't throw up again. Among my new things are my new gym clothes, and Leona reminds me to take my tampons, since I'll need them. In my own bag now, instead of hers.
There's... no real hiding anything now, huh...
Once I'm packed, I get all freshened up, washing my face and steadying myself so I'm ready for the day, and we head out early. My cramps have mostly settled down after relaxing, which is great, and I'm feeling a tiny bit more confident. Just have to keep pushing forward and stay positive. We trek over to the school, right to the infirmary to meet the doctor.