-Point of View: Seiko Maka-
“So, that's how it is...” Doctor Belinda rubs her chin after Jen finishes explaining things. “I guess it's Maka-chan now?”
“I... I guess...” I mumble, still staring at the floor, my pounding anxiety not allowing anything else. Why is everyone so... so fine with this? Isn't it weird? I told them I want to be a girl. Isn't that disgusting? No one's even shouted at me. They told me I'm pretty. If it was Dad...
My shoulders shake, more tears and whimpers overflowing. I can't believe I wore that earlier. I can't believe how right it felt. I answered the phone dressed like that. What if he knew? Would he even stop at disowning me? If he wanted to hurt me for being like this, I wouldn't even be able to stop him anymore.
He always said I was supposed to be a strong man. He always said it – I thought that's what I wanted. Was I lying to myself? Telling myself I wanted what he wanted? Even though my heart was always telling me that was wrong?
Is that why no matter how much I tried, I couldn't actually do what he wanted? Every time he told me to man up and I had no idea what he was talking about? Because deep down, I've always just... been a girl?
How could that be possible? Up until I month ago, I was definitely a guy. Too small and an extremely late bloomer, but definitely still male.
Then... my soul? Like they told me at psi-ops, did I have a female soul before my energy pathways got messed up? What if I did? What would it mean? That I've been in the wrong body my entire life?
And... what if I didn't?
What if all of this is just me running away from what I should be because I'm too weak?
What if feeling like a girl only feels good because I haven't failed at that yet?
I have my face pressed tight to my knees, totally overwhelmed by my fears and doubts, when Jen hugs me again, stroking my hair from behind.
“Shh, don't worry, Seiko, everything will be fine,” she whispers. “We're all here for you.”
“But... why...?”
“What do you mean?” she prompts me softly.
“Why are you here for me? I said I want to be a girl.”
“Yeah, and?” Doesn't she get it?
“I... It's just- It's wrong. It's bad. I'm horrible and disgusting for wanting it...”
“Wha- no! Seiko, no!” Her arms squeeze tight before she spins me around to grab my face. “There is nothing wrong with you! Wanting to be a girl is not bad. It's not wrong. The things you want are perfectly fine and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise!”
I stare with wide eyes. How can she say that? That it's fine? How could it be fine? I don't understand... My hands clench at Jen's shirt, and I bury my crying face in her chest. I don't know what to do with these feelings, so I keep crying them all out, until I'm drained and tired. Then I snooze on the bed, the voices of the women drifting past for a while, until Leona shakes me lightly to rouse me.
She takes some time for my daily check, then sits me down again. I'm still sullen, not knowing what to do with myself, when the doctor sits down beside me. She leaves a space between us, turning to watch me for a few long moments, before she speaks.
“Maka-chan. It seems you have a lot of mixed up thoughts and feelings on this, and some very deeply ingrained biases you may not be entirely aware of. For now, I believe the best course of action for you is to try and keep your prior notions out of this.” I gulp nervously. She's saying that I'm not thinking about this right? Is that it?
“For now, forget right and wrong. Just focus on what's in front of you, what you are experiencing right now. There's no rush, take time to explore yourself and your feelings. Whatever you discover, no one can judge you for it. Alright?”
I slowly digest her words, before nodding. “I'll try...”
The doctor gives me a light pat on the head. “Good.” Then she returns to her office chair.
So... no matter what I think is right or wrong, or what others' opinions might be, I should try to figure out what I like? Even considering that makes me incredibly self-conscious. The thought of just... doing whatever I want even if it's wrong, surrounded by all the hate and insults on all sides for doing those things. Can I really just ignore things like that? Would I be able to? What if I get bullied again?
...What if it's physical...?
“U-umm, what if I get bullied?”
Leona's answer comes instantly. “I won't let them.”
Even so... “Is it alright if I just... do it in private? Try to like, figure things out without everyone watching me...?”
“Of course, Maka-chan,” the doctor answers. “If that makes you more comfortable, go right ahead. If you'd rather be more private or public about it, that's entirely up to you. Though...” she puts a finger to her chin in thought. “Actually, if you do decide to present yourself as female in public at school, you should let me know beforehand so we can inform the school administration and go through the process officially.”
“R-right...” Just the thought of that - of going to school as a girl - makes my heart race with horror and disgust-
No.
This is what she was just talking about. Am I disgusted, or am I excited? I stare down at my hands in mild shock when I catch myself- that immediate, trained reaction of mine. Have all of my feelings about this been colored by... what, my past, from the bullying? This rush, is it supposed to be a good feeling?
I keep my head down, trembling slightly. Confused by the mix of feelings swirling around inside me. They're right. I need time. I need to work things out. Figure out my own feelings about these things. My feelings, not the ones that have been instilled in me without me even realizing it, ever since I was a child.
“Ok...” I speak slowly to keep myself together. “I have a lot to think about. Can I head back for today?”
“Of course,” the doctor excuses me.
“Yeah, let's get going, Seiko.” Jen takes my hand, Leona leading the way out of the office, and back to the dorm. When I think we're going to split up at the front, they continue inside with me, and escort me all the way back to my dorm room.
After we say our goodbyes, I go inside and flop down in bed. No Ken right now, so it's just me, lying on my back in silence and staring up at the ceiling. I'm so worn out emotionally, I end up falling asleep like that, not waking up until a few hours later.
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Slowly sitting up, I rub my eyes. Looks like Ken is still out.
I... think I feel a little bit better. The sleep helped. “So...” I mumble to the empty room, “what do I do now?” I'm supposed to explore. Figure out who I am and what I feel. How do I do that? I don't know... I'm so completely lost at the thought, before I think better of it-
I grab my mobile and call home.
“Oh, Seiko, it's good to hear from you,” comes Mom's voice as soon as she picks up. I'm paralyzed for an instant as the anxiety hits late. What if it had been Dad?
“Yeah, you too, Mom.”
“Is there something wrong, honey?” she asks. Leave it to Mom, of course she tell just from the tone of my voice...
“Nah, just a rough day,” I try to play it off like a guy would. “Dad called earlier, I wanted to call back.”
“Oh, I heard. Food poisoning?” Food poisoning? What, is that the excuse they gave Dad? “You have to be more careful with what you eat. Even if others say cooking isn't manly, you should learn to do it right anyway. No woman wants a man who can't even feed himself,” she lectures me, and my heart drops through my stomach.
Is this how I always felt, talking to them? It was, wasn't it? Every time they told me how a man should or shouldn't act...
“Yeah, that's a good idea, thanks a lot, Mom,” I thank her anyway. Now that I've decided to explore, why not try cooking? Like she said, male or female, it's just a good thing to learn...
“Good good, you do that, Seiko. Now, should I get your father?”
“N-no!” I immediately reign in my panic. “No. I'm good, just wanted to call you guys back. Tell Dad I love him?” I can't talk to him now. My heart couldn't take it.
“Sure.” The skeptical note is clear in her voice, but she doesn't press me. “Love you, sweetie, have a nice time at school.”
We say our goodbyes, and hang up. Then I flop my arm down on my bed, mobile held loosely in my fingers. Eventually, I roll over on my front, but wince a little. Lying down on my boobs is surprisingly uncomfortable. So, I roll onto my back again.
“Haaa...” I sigh out. Then I get up and grab my school bag, I take some time to do my homework. Get that out of the way and take my mind off of everything for a bit. It helps me to refocus when I finish and lie down again.
“Alright, I decided to learn to cook, so let's see...” I don't feel like messing with my mobile's small screen, so get up once more. I sit at my computer, pull up a browser, and try searching for how to cook. No reason why I can't learn this the same was as studying school stuff, right?
I click through explanations on different topics. Some theory, some practical stuff, simple recipes to see how it's applied...
I'm only at it for an hour or so before I sit back. Between my reading and the bit of experience I have from attempting to cook these last couple weeks, I think I have a decent enough basic understanding. All that's left is to give it a shot.
Mobile in hand, I walk out into the common room, trying to ignore the glances of all the guys hanging out on their day off. It's getting later in the day, but not quite time for dinner yet, so I draw more than a few raised eyebrows when I go rummaging through stuff in the kitchen area.
Hmm, there are various meats and vegetables, some spices... We have a stove top, oven, microwave, all the normal appliances from back home. When I look around a little more, there's even a rice cooker and a blender shoved into the corner.
After searching through some supposedly simple recipes, which all have like a half dozen ingredients that need to get cut and prepared in different ways, with half hour cook times for some reason... I think back to when I was a kid instead. What dead simple stuff did Mom make me back then?
Thinking that, I grab some bread. I carefully tear out the center parts, put the outer part in a pan, then get a carton of eggs.
This part... could be tricky. Mom always cracked the eggs on the edge of the pan, but I'm already imagining all the ways that could go wrong, so I get a small and most importantly, non-sharp, butter knife instead.
I take a few whacks at it, slowly working my way up in strength until the shell cracks, then hold it over the bread in the pan, carefully try to pull it apart.
“Shit.” Some shell fell in. I manage to fish it out with a spatula, but break the yolk of the egg in the process, which quickly begins leaking all throughout the pan.
“Hmm...” I consider starting over, but it's... technically still edible? So instead, I press on, setting the pan on the stove and turning it on. I wait briefly as the hidden electric element under the flat top heats up, and soon enough the egg starts to sizzle.
I don't know how long to let it cook and I'm trying not to burn my first attempt, so I flip it pretty quickly. Too quickly, as it turns out. The runny egg is everywhere in the pan around the bread.
I'm not giving up yet. I flip the mess in the pan a few more times as the egg solidifies into a strangely misshapen form, then plate it. “Huh,” I mutter to myself as I look at it. Rather than discouraged, I'm surprised I managed to put out something edible on my first try.
I sit down and take a couple bites. It's bad, obviously. The egg is rubbery, the yolk is completely cooked hard instead of runny like when Mom made it, and it's all wrapped weirdly around the piece of bread that's supposed to be holding it.
As soon as I stand and push the plate away, a guy walking past asks, “You gonna finish that?”
“Umm, no, do you want it?” I respond uncertainly. “It's not very good.”
“Hah, food's food,” he claims, falling into a stool on the opposite side of the counter and pulling the plate across to him. He downs the thing like he doesn't even taste it, giving a 'so so' gesture with his hand.
Is this... really the level of cooking that satisfies some men...?
“Well, uhh, I'm going to make some more, so...” I start, which puts a big grin on the guy's face.
“What, learning to cook?”
“Y-yeah... I heard women don't like men who can't cook,” I try to use what Mom said as an excuse. Despite what the doctor said about ignoring people, it still makes me incredibly anxious. I know what some people would do to me for it...
“That so?” he wonders aloud, like cooking is no concern to him. Well, if he's fine eating my failure at making eggs, it might not be...
I turn back to the stove, and repeat the same process a few more times, working to hone my strength for cracking the eggs and my feel of cooking time, until I get it right. I quickly realize that I need to add butter though, when my second attempt starts sticking to the pan, shredding apart, then burns. I have to dump it and wash the whole pan out before I can try again, with the butter this time.
After that, my work improves steadily, until I'm more or less happy with it. My end result, an egg in a basket, with the yolk still a bit runny, and most of the egg contained within the bread. Like all the others, I take a couple bites to check the taste, and I think it's alright, if a little bland, before I pass the plate to the first hungry guy walking past. They'll eat anything, won't they...?
I do wonder why the taste is different from what I remember as a kid, so I look up a couple recipes, and see it immediately. Right, I forgot to add salt and pepper. According to my basic research earlier, some salt tends to make pretty much anything more palatable, especially savory food like eggs. Have to keep that in mind better next time.
With my first foray into cooking complete, I wash up and head back to my room. Staring at the ceiling again, I consider what I learned. However...
“Wasn't that kind of pointless?” Even if lots of people consider cooking girly, everyone likes good food. Why is cooking girly in the first place? I try searching for that on my mobile, and all I get are some vague answers about hunting and gathering from the distant past on some foreign website.
But there are a few comments I come across that catch my eye. People talking about how nowadays, thinking cooking is girly is 'sexist.'
I look up the word, and without a single bit of warning, I fall straight down the rabbit hole.
Gender norms. Stereotypes. Double standards. Discrimination. Violence toward women. Before I know it, the door swishes open and I practically jump out of my skin.
My arms flop down lifelessly on the bed at my sides as Ken comes in. “You doing alright, Sei?” he asks gently.
“I...” I don't even know anymore. “Lots to think about.”
“Want to talk about it?” he offers, but I shake my head. “Alright, I'll leave you to it. Just let me know if you change your mind.” He lies down in his bed and clicks on the projector, putting some random movie on, while I'm still stuck in my head.
How did I never know about any of this? I've been living through it, but no one ever brought any of it up. Is sexism just something everyone takes for granted? No, not everyone. Some of those posts on foreign message boards, from other people and places around the world, they make me worried. Someone called Laros a 'regressive, shithole country.'
I never thought about it that way before. Are we all so used to the way things are that we don't realize what we're doing? That we all have these biases that rule our thinking because no one ever challenged them before?
I was supposed to be exploring who I am, but now I have all of this to consider too...