I spend all Thursday worrying. The stress is getting to me, and I keep having these panicked feelings whenever the teachers look at me. She didn't already tell them, did she? They aren't going to suddenly blow it all before next week, are they?
I can hardly eat, and whether it's the hunger or stress, continuing to work out starts making the muscles around my stomach stab with pain. My nightly shower doesn't help, it actually feels more unpleasant than anything and I end up stumbling back out into our room. I can't really sleep either, so I'm tired and feel like shit, and I can't stop sweating. I think I'm starting to lose it by Friday morning homeroom.
It's just one more day. Just one day... I can just relax over the weekend.
The first couple classes come and go, but I don't know if I'm going to make it. My head is starting to pound and my insides are all wrapped into painful knots. We're in physics, and I'm starting to get slightly lightheaded from the stress and pain.
The teacher is talking about some equation, but it's getting harder and harder to focus on the class.
“Ah-ah...” I twitch and cringe when I inhale a bit of dust in the air. “Achoo!” All at once, it hits me.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I shoot straight to my feet, my chair clattering to the floor and drawing everyone's attention with a snap.
“Maka-san?” the teacher is asking, but I hardly notice. I'm staring at Leona, huge eyes pleading for help.
“I-i-in-f-fir-m-mar-r-r-yyy.” The word barely comes out through my chattering teeth. I'm shaking uncontrollably. We ignore the complaints of the teacher and the eyes of the students as Leona escorts me rapidly out of the classroom. I think we make it to the infirmary in record time.
“Maka-chan?” the doctor questions when I come in the door, shaking like a leaf. “What's wrong?” She's already on her feet, coming toward us.
“I- I- I'm...” I flail my hands, totally frantic. Hyperventilating. “It's- I'm- the-”
“Alright, calm down, deep breaths,” she takes my hands to stop me from flailing. We lock eyes and she takes big deep breaths so I'll mimic her. Once my breathing is more under control, she tries again. “Now, what's wrong?”
“I'm- I'm bleeding, it's... m-my period.” I manage to get the words out through my barely contained panic. I've heard about this, but I have no fucking idea what to do!
She blinks a few times, “Oh.” Then she smiles warmly. “I see, congratulations.” Huh? “Come on, I'll show you what to do. She pulls me toward the back of the infirmary while speaking to Leona. “Vicca-san, could you get Maka-chan a change of underwear? Pants too?”
“Sure.” While she leaves, the doctor brings me into a small wash room connected to the back corner of the infirmary. Besides the sink and toilet, there are some cabinets inside. She sits me on the toilet and pulls some gloves from the cabinet, putting them on with a plastic snap. Then she pulls a few different things from inside and returns to me.
“Take off your pants and underwear, I'll show you what to do.” I nod shakily, while she fills a plastic cup with water from the sink.
As soon as I get my pants off though, I'm staring down, trembling. I pull down my panties, and gulp, my insides all twisting up even worse than they already are. There's blood everywhere...
“Maka-chan.” The doctor's voice pulls me back. “The first thing to do is clean yourself. Lukewarm or warm water. Soap isn't necessary at all, but if you really want to, use a little plain soap, never anything scented.”
She offers me the cup of water, and makes a simple gesture to get to it, so I do. I pour some on my hand and thighs and start wiping and washing the blood off with my hand. She has to refill the cup a few times, and I use some toilet paper to help.
“Now, only wash your vulva, not the inside of your vagina, it cleans itself and you don't want to disturb it. Make sure to go front to back when washing, just like when you wipe.” She pauses. “You do wipe front to back, right?”
“Y-yeah,” I stammer a little. “But, umm...”
“Hm? What is it?”
“I'm... not sure which part that is...” I vaguely remember us covering basic anatomy at some point during middle school, but it's not like I was paying much attention back then, I didn't even have those body parts at the time! I really should have researched all of this on my own. A little late to realize that now though...
“Ah, that's understandable...” The doctor sighs. “Let's see...” She has to go back into the infirmary to retrieve a hand mirror, then she has me hold it so I can see down there, and I'm practically having flashbacks to Jen teaching me the same way.
The doctor indicates as best she can with everything covered in blood, naming and giving a brief descriptions of the parts I need to know. It's not much, but it's enough to follow her instructions on how to clean myself. I can look up the rest on my own.
“Yes, like that, front to back, and be gentle, that's a very sensitive region, especially your clitoris.” She isn't kidding, I cringe when I'm wiping the blood off of the little spot. Not a pleasant feeling...
As freaked out as I am and as important as this is to learn, it's still absurdly embarrassing. My cheeks are burning hot, but I ignore it. I'm literally bleeding all over myself- this is way more important.
I do as she instructs, washing away the blood until my skin is clean, then dry myself with a little more toilet paper. I still feel weird down there, so I know I'm still bleeding...
“Wait here, Vicca-san should be back any minute now.” She goes back into the infirmary, and I sit for a bit, letting myself breathe and calm down properly now that my body doesn't look like a TV crime scene.
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I'm going to keep bleeding like this, I realize. It's just hitting me now, despite how obvious it should have been the whole time. I'm a girl. My body is one hundred percent female, anatomy and everything. I'm going to have periods every month, aren't I? But for my first to be right now...
I sit there, and suddenly I'm crying. It's not that I'm sad about getting my period, I'm just... crying a little. I'm still like that a minute later when the doctor returns with Leona.
“Seiko, what's wrong?” she asks immediately.
“I don't know, I just...” I shrug, sniffling slightly, a few tears still on my face.
“She's probably just overwhelmed,” the doctor guesses. “Try to remember your first period, Vicca-san.” Leona visibly grimaces. Was hers bad too? “Maka-chan also spent most of her life in a male body.” She's clearly referencing how I didn't even know all the parts down there, “So this is all completely new to her, and with everything going on...”
I nod a little, and the doctor offers a soft smile. “Don't worry, we all go through it. Once you know what you're doing, it's not much more than a painful monthly annoyance. The joys of womanhood, right?” she jokes to Leona, who finally cracks a little grin. Right, they've both been going through this for years already...
“Now that you're clean...” the doctor rolls with the good momentum. “When it comes to periods, you have a couple options...” She takes some time, teaching me about different women's hygiene products. I'm kind of intimidated by tampons because they're supposed to go inside me, so I decide on pads instead. She shows me how to stick one to the inside of my fresh underwear, then I slide them on.
As soon as I pull them all the way up, I wince. It feels strange against my labia. Like weird, scratchy plastic or something. It's not as bad as my old clothes or those cheap cotton panties I tried, but it's definitely not comfortable. “Is that alright?” the doctor asks.
“It's kind of uncomfortable,” I admit. “Probably because I'm so sensitive.”
“Would you rather switch to tampons?”
“W-well... no, I'll keep trying this for now...” I catch Leona frowning at my answer. When I send her a questioning look, she speaks.
“I'd also recommend tampons, pads aren't good when you're so active. Sweating into them when they're already full of blood... it's a really bad combination.” Just the thought makes me grimace. Then I think, if sweaty clothes irritate my skin normally, what would a sweaty pad feel like down there?
“I'll... try the tampons...”
What follows is not pleasant. The doctor shows me how to unwrap them from their little plastic wrappers, and has me spread my legs. She hands me the tampon and I ever so carefully try to follow her directions, pushing it into place by feel. I... get it done, but it sucks. A lot.
The upside is, I actually can't feel it much once it's up inside me. I wiggle around some, but the feeling is mostly gone.
When I pull the pad out of my underwear, the doctor uses the opportunity to show me how I'm supposed to wrap them in toilet paper, then throw them in the garbage. She insists I'm not supposed to flush them, but...
“Umm, the men's toilet doesn't have garbage cans like this, do the women's?”
With a hand to her head, the doctor groans. “Alright. Like I said, you need to change tampons every few hours. Come back and change it at lunch, then after school. Over the weekend, use your own wash room in your dorm, or women's rooms if you go off-campus, alright? And always carry some tampons on you in your bag from now on. You'll need them, because it takes a few years for your period to become regular.”
I'm nodding stiffly. It coming on suddenly, when I'm totally unprepared is scary... When I ask if there's any way to tell beforehand, she answers, “Sometimes you can tell from your body. There are all sorts of different symptoms, by far the most common are abdominal cramps, it has to do with your uterus shedding its lining. You should have learned about it in sex-ed at some point. Mood swings and irritability are also pretty common.”
“Wait, these are from my period?” I ask, pressing a hand to my belly. I thought it was just way too much stress...
“You have cramps right now?” she asks in response to my motioning, and I nod. “You should have mentioned that. If they're bad, I can get you some medication.”
“No, I don't think they're that bad, just unpleasant. I do kind of have a headache though.”
“Ahh, I see. You are very active and exercise can help, so that's understandable. A headache though... anything else?”
“Umm... mostly just a lot of stress stuff, but that's... you know. Like, not eating or sleeping much.”
With a few nods, she confirms. “Yup, I've heard of all of that before. Though the food and sleep are probably contributing to the headache too. Even if you don't feel great, you have to make sure to take care of yourself during your period. Try to get enough food, water and sleep, even if you don't feel like it or you aren't in the mood, alright?”
I nod, of course I know she's right. It's just... hard. “Alright, I'll get you some pain medication, it should help with the cramps and headache.” When she leaves the room, I meet Leona's eyes. I feel like she has something to say.
“Yeah?”
She opens her mouth, considering it. But I can tell that what she says isn't it. “Good job, Seiko. You really held it together.”
“Huh?” I blink stupidly. “I was totally panicking though.”
“Only panicking that much when blood suddenly starts pouring out of your body?” She grins, and the way she says it makes me giggle a little.
“How was it for you, your first time?”
Suddenly, Leona laughs out loud, before clapping a hand over her mouth. “Bad.” She only speaks briefly, a huge grin on her face before replacing her hand. The look doesn't reach her eyes at all. Leona shakes her head. “You can't even imagine.” She keeps shaking like she's laughing. “I don't even want to think about it. It was a nightmare.” Her reaction... is this 'laughing to keep from crying?'
Without any prompting, I hug her. “Don't worry, it's in the past.”
Leona finally lets out a long, sighing breath. “Yeah.” Then the door opens again, the doctor raising a brow at me, hugging Leona while she's just kind of standing there.
Apparently deciding to ignore it, she shoos me to the sink, telling me to always wash my hands thoroughly with soap and water after replacing my tampons. Once I'm done, she gives me a couple pills to relieve my cramps and headache, though she reminds me not to rely on them too much. I'll build up a tolerance, so I should focus on doing whatever I can to relieve my cramps without medication, like using a hot pack on my stomach or back, apparently. I make a mental note to look up other methods later.
“Food, water, and sleep,” Doctor Belinda reminds me pointedly, again, as I take the pills with some water. “They will help with everything else in life, period cramps or no.” She's not wrong, even I know that taking care of my body makes everything better. Maybe I'll focus on that over the weekend, just keeping myself happy and healthy to get through the stress and my period. Apparently it can last up to a week...
With that worry nagging in the back of my mind, I take the black plastic bag she hands me, roll up my bloody clothes as she instructs, then seal them inside - to deal with any bacteria and odors, she says. I'll have to wash them after school. Cold water to get bloodstains out, apparently...
Leona pockets a few tampons, since it would be an issue if anyone found them on me somehow. With one last, big thanks to the doctor, we head back to class.