Sunday morning, I call everyone together in our dorm room. I have to tell them about what I discovered. I pull up all the web pages I read through, pointing out different words, explanations for things I took for granted, biases I never knew I had.

When I'm finished frantically explaining it to everyone, Ken looks shell shocked, but everyone else shrugs.

“Yeah, that's about right,” Jen says. “I didn't know we had words like those to describe it, but that's pretty much how it is. Being a girl is hard.” Everyone nods along. All the girls.

“I... had no idea. Why doesn't anyone talk about this?”

“I guess it's just something girls pick up from a young age. Stay in groups, be wary of men. Expect to be objectified and sexualized...” Jen lists them off on her fingers one after another. “That's just how men are, it's not like we can change it. They're stronger than us, and you never know when one will get violent, so we have to keep our heads down and look out for each other. The way you grew up, you didn't pick up on any of that, Seiko?”

I slowly shake my head. “No, it was more like... women, or just, femininity in general was bad. Because I was supposed to be a man, being seen as feminine was bad. People would be disgusted by me and try to hurt me. There's a word for it...” I mumble, looking back to scroll through all the different words I learned. “Misogyny.”

Still staring at the floor, I shudder. “I was constantly put down for anything feminine, so I think I... internalized it. That girls or being a girl were bad. That it would only bring me more pain...” Saying it out loud, I don't even know what to think. I finally have words to express all these feelings, but the more I dig into them, the worse it gets.

“Did I... really look down on women that much?”

Jen comes forward, hugging me close. “No, don't say that, Seiko. I wouldn't have been your friend if you thought that way. From what I've seen, you only ever looked down on yourself as a girl. That's why it was so hard to ease you into feeling comfortable with girly things.”

I smile through my teary eyes. If she says so, I'll believe her. I don't want to be a bad person...

“Now, with that said, there's something I've been holding back, but especially now that you've figured all this out, you have to know. Seiko, we have to talk about your father.”

Dad?

Jen leans back into my pile of plushies, face screwed up like she's looking for the right words. “Alright, so. I talked to your dad on the phone a few weeks ago when I was trying to figure out why you were so resistant against anything girly, and I basically figured out it was his fault.”

My mouth falls open a little. But, but he always wanted the best for me, didn't he? He wanted me to be strong and successful.

...As a man...

As soon as that thought crosses my mind, I get a nervous feeling in my gut, before Jen verbalizes it.

“Every other word out of your father's mouth is about how men should be, how they should act, how anything else is weakness and failure. Seiko, I know it's hard to hear, but your father is a dick.” I wince. But...

Her eyes soften, even as she hits me with things wish I never had to hear. “Seiko... all that misogyny you mentioned, I think the bullying reinforced those feelings, but it was your father who put them there, when you were still just a kid. When you didn't know any better, and everything your parents said, you just...” she waves a hand uselessly, “believed it all. Why question it, they're your parents. You know?”

Damn it... I close my eyes, lowering my head to my knees. I know she's right. I might have known all along, on some level. But I never wanted to hear it. How can Dad be a bad person...?

Having talked through all of that, we all naturally find ourselves moving out into the common room for breakfast. I end up pitching in as Runa cooks, keeping myself busy while I try to process things.

Runa is really good at cooking. She makes a dish with chicken, lemon, and a number of other things she helps me cut to add in before baking it in the oven. I watch carefully and she explains all about it, not just for me, but everyone else too.

Of course, as we go through this, the small crowd of girls suddenly sitting in the guy's common room kitchen draws a ton of eyes from everyone sitting around on their Sunday morning.

The food has to bake for a while, so we all just sit around the kitchen counter and chat about whatever until it's done. Then it comes out, immediately filling the dorm with the incredible scent of chicken, lemon, and vegetables. There's enough to go around, and we eat happily, the jealous eyes of the guys in the dorm trained on us.

Runa takes pity on them, pushing the remainder of the food out for anyone to take once we all have our portions. The food vanishes in an instant, while Runa snuggles up against Ken's side and he praises her repeatedly for the wonderful meal.

I beam down at my chicken to keep from staring. Seeing them together – how happy it makes Ken – they're perfect together.

I take another bite and savor the taste. With more practice, I should be able to make food like this too. Boy, girl, sexism be damned. Everyone loves good food.

Eventually, everyone goes their own ways after breakfast. Except Leona of course, who pins me against the wall and forces me to struggle until I've burned off a sufficient amount of energy. Then she leaves.

“Yo, what's up with that, Sei-san?” Finn asks as he comes over to where I'm panting on the floor. Part of me wishes she'd do it in my room rather than out here where everyone's watching, but that would probably just lead to even worse rumors. “I swear, Vicca-san has you pinned like that every time I see you these days. It doesn't look like she's bullying you... some kind of weird kink...?”

“N-no!” I blush when he puts it that way. “I can't really talk about the reason... But it's nothing weird or sexual!” I claim. “I guess... it's more like I need a specific amount of physical exercise each day, and the simplest method is pushing against an immovable object...” I sigh sadly.

“That's... weird,” he states flatly. I don't really have any response.

Once I've recovered, I give Finn a wave and head back to my room. I have some chores to take care of. First is laundry...

I end up staring at my hamper for a minute. The last time I washed my laundry and everyone smelled it, it started all sorts of awful rumors. Now I have all these bras to deal with. I don't even want to imagine what that would bring about, so I text Jen. She always knows what to do in situations like this.

Her response... “Hand wash them?” I look up what that is and how to do it, and it seems simple enough. Kind of time consuming, but all I need is soap and warm water. So I pull all my bras out of my laundry basket and take them into the wash room. I follow the directions I found online, filling the sink with lukewarm water, a little laundry detergent, then dunk them inside, swish them around some, and let them soak in the soapy water.

They have to soak for a bit, so I just set a timer and play on my mobile until it goes off. Then I pull the drain on the sink, let the water drain away, and run my bras under more water to get the soap out of them. It takes a surprising amount of time and effort to get the water to run clean, with no leftover soap suds.

After that, I'm not sure what to do about drying, so after I squeeze out all the water I can, I bundle them up in towels. I hope that's good enough?

Thinking as much, I take my laundry basket downstairs to do the rest like normal. Then it's just sitting in my room, studying, watching TV, playing games, and having some time to relax before next week comes.

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I'm in a state of dull surprise all through the next week. Despite all the revelations about myself and the world around me, nothing really changes. Class is the same, my friends are the same, my daily schedule doesn't change any either. The only real thing is Leona not pinning me to a desk every break since that would burn too much energy. Just gym is sufficient as long as we keep up our current pattern.

The biggest and easily most concerning change though, is that everyone has caught onto how I go to the infirmary with Leona after class every day. With everything they've seen lately, it's dead-obvious that something is going on, but no one can guess it for obvious reasons, so it just feeds into the ongoing rumor that I'm secretly a psion or something.

Of course, that rumor butts heads with the one going around that I'm pathetically weak and was bullied when I was younger, and has all the jealous tough guys (who still have it in their heads that I've had sex with two of my friends for some stupid reason) eyeing me like hungry predators, so I spend every moment at school paired with at least one of my friends who can fight if anything happens.

It makes me a bit tense whenever we move around outside of class, but for once, I have plenty of people around me and I know they'll help me. Except for Jen. I don't know why, but she always gets me to pair off with someone else. Probably trying to combat the sex rumors.

In class, my friends still refer to me like a guy, but when when it's just us in our rooms, or away from other students, I get grouped right in with the girls.

It's a kind of weird feeling. Like, awkward. That they can treat me like one of them now, even though I wasn't before. That fear and wariness toward men Jen spoke about doesn't apply to me now. Not that I'm sure it ever did, with the way everyone was always protecting me in the past, but still, it's a strange feeling.

I don't think it's a bad feeling though, I kind of like it. Getting to be a girl with them. I keep having to push down those dark thoughts though, those feelings of failure that nag at me, tell me I'm just taking the easy way out. Those aren't my thoughts, they aren't how I feel. With every passing day, I see that more and more.

If my parents are disappointed in me for being like this, different than their sexist beliefs, it's not my fault. It's hard, sometimes, but I keep reminding myself of that. Every time my friends tell me I'm cute and it makes my heart flutter serves as a reminder. I do like being like this.

Saturday arrives, and Leona comes into my room early in the morning.

“Seiko,” she wakes me with a gentle shake. After I bumble my way up in bed, she says, “it's time to head back to psi-ops.”

“Right, yeah...” I mumble. It's been a month already, hasn't it? “Ok, I'm getting up.”

We head to the transport terminal, boarding the empty shuttle before the sun has even come up. Not packed like last time, huh?

Leona pins me against a window again, and I tiredly struggle in her grip for a while, until she says it's enough, and get to relax, leaning sleepily against her the rest of the way into the city.

Once we hop off the shuttle, it's quite a walk to the psi-ops headquarters, but we don't get stopped along the way this time. The sky is utterly invisible past the mega-skyscrapers dominating the surroundings, but the sun should be rising right around when we make it to the correct building entrance.

After another clipped introduction with the still-unnamed receptionist woman, we take the lift down to Aalin Mejja's lab. “Ah, you're here. Good to see you two, Vicca, Maka-san,” he greets us when we arrive. “Come come, let's get to the tests. I'm sure you're looking forward to the possible good news.”

“S-sure...” I'm a little overwhelmed by his usual brusque manner, and try to follow along with his pace. “I'm also a little less sure about the 'good news' part after everything I've learned lately. Since I know I like being a girl, almost certainly more than being a boy, the prospect of changing back is worrying.

Even if I don't, I'm anxious about my energy pathways healing. What if when they do, my soul is male after all? What would that say about me? I don't really want to think about it...

Despite any reservations I may have, I climb into the scanner box and try to prepare myself for a very long wait. It's a strange sensation, lying in the spacious box again. I felt like I spent three or four months in here, then had one month off at school, and now I'm in for another what, month or two? At this rate, it's going to feel like I spend more time here than I do at school, and I really don't know what to think about that.

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

Well, there's no use worrying about it. Just have to wait. If anything, it gives me time to think. Step back through all of my memories from childhood, all the things my parents said. It's not like I have anything else to do.

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I think about my father. Always telling me to man up. Instilling in me that idea that masculinity and power are the most important things in the world and aiming for anything else is wrong. That poisonous mindset that sent me flailing wildly, the rift between my words and my actions forcing me to despise myself.

For days or weeks, I meander over the thoughts. The little words and looks he made all across the years of my life. Always pushing me one way or another, trying to mold me into his own vision of a man. Of course it never worked. In just a week of my friends treating me like a girl, I can already see the difference.

It's so easy. I don't have to coach my every action and constantly check if I'm sitting, standing, speaking, breathing correctly. I can simply exist as myself without that ever-present worry of the judgment of every person watching me, if I'm passing their requirements of how I should be.

How he said I should be.

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I think of my mother, how she told me to be who I want to be. And how that changed. How Dad's constant pressure pushed me to say I wanted to be like he said. She supported it just like she said she would. But all it did was add another echo to my little box, telling me over and over to act like the man I never wanted to be. Another pair of eyes, another set of invisible requirements to meet.

If I told Mom now, would she accept me? Would she still say she believes in me and supports who I want to be, even if it's the opposite of what I always said before? Would she understand if I told her I realized I was always lying to myself? Would she change what she wants, what she expects of me? Or would she be disgusted? And if she did, how would I even respond?

What would I do with myself if my own mother said she hated me, just for being who I am?

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Eventually, my mind moves past them, and I think of all the bullying. The things people said, always watching and always stepping in to hurt me when I failed to sufficiently hold up that disguise. Because in the end, that's all it was, just the disguise of a man to stay out of notice.

I consider the things they did to me. How it hurt me, how it changed me. Made me try harder and harder to pretend, fooling myself with my own act. All those bullies.

People like Bolin Vance.

Lying there with nothing but the scanner's buzz and the heavy air pressing down around me, I remember something I don't want to. Something better left alone, buried in the dark. But staring off for an indeterminate length of time, that nasty little box works its way to the front of my mind anyway. It takes weeks of silence and refusal, but there's no stopping it in the end.

The box opens, and I think about it. The feelings are as vivid as if it was all yesterday. From that time, back when I was still all alone.

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I was five years old when I first learned of cruelty.

It was in those first weeks of kindergarten before I met Ken. Vance was there on the playground, just some kid from one grade up back then. He called me out because of my name, said he didn't believe I was a boy. Pushed me down behind the school building where no one could hear me scream. Even when he saw for himself, he said he knew how to make me a girl...

I didn't let anyone touch me for years after that. Any time they tried, I fought back. Even though I was too small and weak. That's when I wished to be strong, over and over. When I started lifting weights. And then I met Ken, and I didn't have to fight any more. Just a few weeks too late.

But I still didn't let anyone touch me until around middle school, when I knew I was strong enough that nothing like that would ever happen again.

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...Shit.

I immediately regret those thoughts. I should have tried harder, kept the memories locked up in their little box, never to be thought of again.

Because now I'm afraid again. I'm not strong enough to stop that happening anymore. And unlike back then, I truly am a girl now - in body, not just in mind.

If someone touched me like that now... Or... what if they went further...?

I lie there, sweating and chest heaving in sudden panic, until the buzz fades, and they pull me out. Even Leona's touch makes me anxious as she helps me from the box.

“Seiko, are you alright? You started panicking, did something go wrong?” she asks, nerves in her voice.

“N-no. No, I'm fine. Just...” I shake my head. “I don't want to talk about it.” I slowly pull myself away from her, wrapping an arm around myself. It helps somehow, makes me feel a little more secure while I try to push those thoughts from mind and address Mejja instead. “Is that enough, or do I need to go longer?”

“Yes, I think that should be enough,” Mejja says from his spot at the computer, “these scans are already quite detailed.” Soon enough, he waves us back into the conference room to go over the results.

“Alright, Maka-san. Here is your current scan data.” He waves it up into the air above us, and I immediately see the difference. It's way brighter, enough to see even without him enhancing it. And largely purple. I recognize the shade immediately. Leona's color.

“Here, you can see that your current energy levels are around tier three due to the energy Vicca-san has left inside of you. Once we filter that out...” With another tap, the purple fades. Oh, I guess that was her energy. With another flash, he shows the artificially brightened version of my scan with her energy filtered out.

It's... not much different from last time, I think. Just jumbles of color everywhere.

“I know it may not look like much,” Mejja begins, “but comparing the last scan to the current one, there are signs of your PEP stitching itself back together. At its current rate of recovery, I would expect to see it back to normal somewhere between six and ten months from now.

That long?! Wait, given my current circumstances, maybe that 's a good thing? It will give me plenty of time to explore myself before I have to decide on anything...

“...Alright.” I nod seriously. “I understand.”

“Good good. That will be all then.” He stands up from his seat immediately. “Lots of data to look over now, research to do. I'm sure you understand.”

“Wait, Mejja,” Leona calls him to stop. “What about the time stretching effect, did you find anything?”

“So far? No. There is a mountain of scanner data for me to look through to see if there is anything, but it's going to take a substantial amount of time.”

Leona sighs. “Yeah, fair enough. We can get going then?”

“Yup, have a nice time at school,” he waves without even looking at us, already walking away. I think he might have a few screws loose...

“Well, you heard him. Let's get back, Seiko.” When Leona touches my shoulder to lead me from the room, I can't help my slight shudder. I don't think she notices, but I immediately berate myself for it. This is Leona, stop being stupid, body! Or is it my mind? I don't know, but thinking back on that memory I tried to lock up has me really shaken.

It was a long time ago. And I went through all that training to ensure I'd be strong enough to stop future problems. But none of that matters because of my current weakness. That same fear from when I was a child is still right there.

Honestly, I don't know if it ever left. Was I just burying it with the memory? Stomping it down with my newfound strength? Now that those safeguards are gone, it's right there, a constant reminder that I should be afraid of what people will do to me. Especially with my new body.

But it's wrong. Like all the other things I learned as a child, I keep telling myself that fear is wrong. I can't be afraid of touch just because of one bad thing that happened, look at how amazing it is the rest of the time! Like when people pat my head or play with my hair. The feeling hugs, or Jen's hands massaging my scalp.

All of those are wonderful feelings. Even when Jen walked me through touching myself. That gentle, caring guidance I never could have gotten without opening up and letting her touch me.

Even as I argue with myself over that, we trek back across the city to the transit station.

And then my brain reminds me, what if it was anyone else? What if it wasn't Jen, gently coaxing me into exploring my new body? What if it was a man instead, forcing himself on me? No way I could stop him? What if it was Vance again? What if he came to finish what he started?

I grit my teeth against the dark thoughts. No matter what, that's not going to happen. I'm not alone anymore. I have tons of friends to help me. I'm an adult, not a little kid. I'm smart enough and careful enough to avoid dangerous situations where something like that could even happen.

Just like Jen told me, girls learn from a young age to be wary of men for exactly this reason. This is normal for them. If I want to be a girl, this will be normal for me too. I just have to be careful like they are, and work with other girls to stay safe together. She told me, being a girl is hard.

And I want to do it anyway? When being a boy is safer, easier, and you're less likely to get attacked?

Well... yeah...?

How good I feel as a girl outweighs the fear and the hardship?

I think it does...

How am I supposed to know for sure? I'm not even really living as a girl yet, I'm still hiding it from everyone but my closest friends.

But if I told everyone, there would be no way to go back. It's not like I could just... try it to be sure or something. If I revealed everything, there would be no going back. Look how much I got bullied for not being manly enough before. If I told everyone, then even if I changed my mind later, no one would ever see me as male again.

“Seiko.”

“Huh?” I look up, blinking at Leona in a daze.

“You've been sulking for hours, is there something you need to talk about?” Huh? I check the time. We're almost back to school already. I was lost in my own head for that long?

“I... well...” I don't even know what to say. Groaning, I curl up to press my head into my hands against my knees. “I'm afraid of being attacked while I'm weak like this,” I admit. “I did a lot of thinking in the scanner. Weeks of it, really. And I remembered this one time, this really bad memory I tried to forget.”

I peek an eye up at her, still listening intently, not showing any reaction yet. “I got... bullied, and I was really afraid afterward. So I trained a lot, until I was strong enough that no one could hurt me anymore, but with this weakening effect, that strength is gone.”

I gulp, not even knowing the point of opening up like this right now. But for some reason, talking about it feels strangely relieving, so I find myself going on a bit at a time.

“Now that my body is like this, I'm really, really scared someone will do something to me again and I won't have any way to stop them. And that got me thinking if it would be easier to keep hiding, to keep from being attacked. But I'd go back to like things were before, and I was miserable like that...”

I look up again, and this time, Leona's eyes are wide with horror. “...What?” I mutter nervously. She shifts forward, reaching for my face, and easily catches my slight flinch this time.

Leona doesn't mince words. “Seiko, were you molested as a child?”

“N-no, I...” I look away. All I said was I got bullied, how did she get there from just that? “I just...” I never admitted this to anyone before, not even my parents. Dad would have berated me for it, and it would have made Mom cry...

“...It was a long time ago...”

“Seiko...” In a surprise move, Leona's hand brushes my shoulder, before she draws me into a hug. I go stiff at first, until I relax into it. “We can undo the weakening effect if you want. We'd have to go back to random effects every day, and even at full strength, it wouldn't be enough against a man with your body like this. But I'll do it immediately if it will make you feel safer,” she offers quietly, still holding me.

I open my mouth, but don't know how to respond. That would solve a big problem for me. But it would create more problems. With random effects, there's no telling what could happen. There would be all sorts of havoc. Like that first week.

I know that logically, the way we're doing it now makes the most sense. It has nearly zero impact on my everyday life. But I'm scared...

“N... No. We can leave it. I have all of you to protect me,” I eventually decide. “I'm scared, but... We have to be practical. We're way more likely to run into problems from random psionic effects every day than from someone attacking me.”

“Alright, we'll keep things as they are now,” she agrees. “But, if you change your mind, just tell me. And if anything happens, don't hesitate. Fight. It'll take time, but if you're careful, you should be able to struggle until the energy runs out and you get your full strength back. That might give you the edge you need to get away. Alright?”

“Yeah, I'll do that...” That helps. I'm still afraid of what could happen before, but it gives me a last resort to fall back on. We walk a little further, nearly back at school, before I ask, “Leona... please don't tell anyone? I never wanted to tell anyone about what happened...”

“Not a word,” she declares, dead serious.

“...Thanks.”

When we get back, we head to the infirmary like usual, but Leona is different now. When she pushes me down, it's with a gentler touch. It tells me that she's being careful with me. Rather than anxious, it makes me feel safe.

In front of the dorms, Leona asks again if I'm feeling safe right now, and I tell her that I'm fine. I've managed this long, I'll keep it up.

Then I walk into the boy's dorm and freeze on the spot. Oh god there are guys everywhere. No, no. No need to freak out, there have always been this many guys, it's not like anything has changed. I'm just way more aware of them now. How much bigger they are than me. And stronger...

I shake my head, I'm being stupid. What could possibly happen in the middle of a crowded, public place?

I let out a slow breath, reminding myself of the same thing as earlier. As long as I'm careful, I'll be fine. I need to ask Jen to teach me what to watch out for, I'm sure there are lots of tips she could give me since she grew up as a girl.

For now, I just try to keep to myself and head up to my room. I fall face first into bed-

“Ow!” I roll onto my side. “Shit, ow, ow, ow,” I mutter and curse repeatedly, rubbing my throbbing breasts. “God damn that hurts!” I have to sit there and breathe for a bit before the pain recedes. Not as bad as getting kicked in the balls, but it's really up there. I need to start being more careful...

Once I've recovered, I sit up, pull off my shirt and bra, and toss them next to me on the bed.

“They are getting bigger...” I give them a few gentle squeezes. They're big enough to kind of fit in my hands now, but still smaller than all the other girls. Still a super late bloomer, huh...

I flop over onto my side and sigh. What am I supposed to do now...? If I even can change back, that's like a half a year away, and I'd be doing it out of fear rather than because it's what I want. In the meantime, I'm supposed to experiment and discover myself, but I'm scared of how everyone would react. So what do I actually do?

When I can't come up with anything, I eventually decide to give up on thinking for now. I'm hungry after so long at psi-ops, so I throw on a big hoodie and go to the kitchen to make some food. It's fine, I have plenty of time after all.