8 - The Barbarian's Breakfast Club

The City Gates, Wee Hours After the Four Armies Kegger

Tim stood at the door of the tower and aimed his crossbow in random directions. He muttered to himself and made "pew pew" noises with the weapon. He was surprised how far he could see in his little dwarf body. Back home in Oregon, he wore thick glasses and saw nothing but blur past his arm without them. Here, he could spot the grain of a wooden beam on a balcony several buildings away. He wondered if that's what made him, or at least the person who inhabited this body normally, such a good marksman.

Tim had the feeling that he could hit anything in his sight line. He was too busy noodling around with his weapon to notice the detachment of soldiers sauntering down the hill towards him. When they got close, they startled him from his play when the captain said, "Master dwarf."

Tim jumped and hid his crossbow behind his back. He glanced down to see the pile of bones that was left of the night watchman. He moved in front of them and smiled.

The captain narrowed his eyes and sidestepped Tim to inspect the bones. "What is the meaning of this?" the captain inquired.

"Um...they fell off the body cart," Tim said.

"Dammit, Zachery," the captain said. "He's always sloppy with those plague victims, but he never just leaves them."

Tim couldn't get the scene of Monty Python and the Holy Grail out of his head and said, "Yeah, he came by, 'Bring out your dead. Bring out your dead.' And this guy claimed that he had one for him, but it turned out he was alive."

"Happens all the time during festivals. Who hasn't woken up on a body cart after one too many mugs of ale? Am I right, boys?" the captain said, and the others laughed.

"Yeah, so the living guy wanted to go for a walk or something," Tim said. "And the bones just fell off when he hopped down. Zachery picked up the cart and moved on."

"Hold up," the captain said. "You said he was pulling the body cart. Like a mule?"

"Um, yeah," Tim said.

"Yeah, boss," a guard said. "His donkey died last season. He's saving for another one."

"Right," the captain said. "Well, the story seems to check out. I'm going to run it by Zachery. In the meantime, have you seen a group of adventurers come by?"

"Nope," Tim said.

"They are the supposed Silent Legion, heroes of the Battle of the Four Armies. You may have heard of them."

"Who hasn't?"

"Don't trust everything you hear, master dwarf. They supposedly beat the necromancer in the Battle of the Four Armies, but did anyone see them do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"They go storming towards the tower, and back they come with Lady Ameria, not a scratch on any of them. How do we know that she didn't just enchant our lord, and the other supposed heroes are her servants?"

"Right, well, I guess we don't know for sure—"

"Listen, master dwarf, do you really like being here with humans? I mean, the elves barely say anything to anyone. Halflings are coming in by droves, taking jobs from the decent common folk. Whereas you dwarves almost never leave your caves except to gouge us on ore."

"Um, I don't set the prices."

"Sure, but tell me, is it hard to take food from a farmer's plate when they can barely afford metal for their plow?"

"Um—I don't like where this conversation is going—does racism apply to fantasy races?"

"Oh, come on, man," the captain said. "Just some friendly conversation. You don't see me walking into your cave, selling the tools you need to survive at egregious prices, master dwarf."

"Dude! Lay off," Tim said. "I don't set the prices."

"What's a dude?" the captain asked. "No matter. I don't think this dwarf is hearing me correctly. You see, your master Bolt cast a feeble mind spell on our lord Lovantus. Which is not surprising since you dwarves have been sticking it to us humans for years. So, I think we should send Bolt a message that we don't like dwarves in these parts. Maybe starting with your head." The captain drew his blade, but one of the guards held his hand high in the air. The captain rolled his eyes and said, "Yes, Corwin. Speak up."

"Doesn't he look like master Bolt?" Corwin asked.

"How would you know what master Bolt looks like? The only way we ever see them is high on that balcony looking down on us common folk. And besides, where are the others? The traitorous elf, that stinky half breed, and the witch, Ameria? Do you see them around?"

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"Well, no, but I saw Bolt come through the city on horseback once, and I'm pretty sure it's him!"

"All dwarves look the same to me."

"All right. That's it!" Tim yelled and pulled out his crossbow. The rest of the guards readied their weapons. "You are really starting to piss me off! For starters, I am pretty sure I'm Bolt! But even if I was, say, a high school kid trapped in Bolt's body, you'd still be pissing me off."

"How can he be pretty sure he is Bolt? I mean, you either know or you don't," Corwin said, attempting to puzzle out Tim's words.

The captain smacked Corwin and yelled, "Kill him!"

Tim fired without thinking and struck the captain in the throat. The man gurgled blood and fell to the ground. The rest of the troop charged while Tim fumbled to reload. Their blades were about to gut him when suddenly, all the hilts glowed bright red. The guards yelped and dropped their weapons on the cobblestones. Aiden poked his head from the tower singing …And Justice for All .

One of the guards shrugged and punched Tim in the jaw, sending him sprawling to the ground. The rest of the soldiers closed in and began to kick the dwarf with their armored boots. The pain was excruciating, but he could handle it better than he thought he would. He had been floored by a bully in school before and hurt for days afterward. There was something about this body that gave him a better pain tolerance. However, that wouldn't last for long. The pummeling was taking a toll on him.

Before the group could finish the job and stomp the fallen dwarf from existence, Petra leapt from the window with two daggers in hand and embedded them in the skulls of the attackers who softened her landing. Jonathan poked his head out from the tower next and said, "Oh, Mommy, fun!"

"No, baby!" Petra yelled. "Don't—"

Before she could finish her sentence, the giant musclebound warrior leapt from the tower, cackling with glee. He swung his battle axe around and laughed as he knocked the men down with the flat part of the weapon. The ones who weren't crushed when he had landed were clubbed by his twirling.

Petra held her hands up and said, "Honey, let Mommy have that."

"No," he yelled, and yanked it away, clobbering one of the men with the handle.

"Jonathan," she said again. "You need to give that to Mommy."

"No." Another guard out cold.

"Jonathan, that's not a request. Do I need to count to three?"

"Okay," he said and stomped over to his mom. He handed the weapon over. It clattered to the ground because she was too weak to hold it. She pulled her son away from the pile of guards. Tim was dazed underneath. She helped him to his feet as the gate began to open.

Corwin was still attempting to puzzle out what had just happened when he finally noticed Jonathan, knelt, and then said, "Lord Lovantus!"

Jonathan smiled and said, "Ooh, shiny!"

He patted the man's head and shoulders with his hands as he explored the cool new material of chain mail armor.

Corwin flinched and said, "Sire?"

The gate clanged as it rose to the top of the entryway.

Petra said, "Jonathan, remember what we talked about. It is not nice to grab people."

"So, it's true!" Corwin said. "Lady Ameria cast a feeble mind spell!"

Petra said, "Look, I know you have no reason to trust me. But it is not what you think it is, and it is too much to explain at the moment."

"You killed our captain."

"After attacking me." Tim spat blood from his mouth while he talked.

Petra kicked Tim and said, "Right, so no one is perfect. I want you to tell them, whoever is in charge, that we want to get Lovantus back just as much as you."

The others came out of the building and ran towards Petra. Sissy and Jack helped Tim towards the gate while Aiden trailed behind them. Annelise said, "Come. We must flee."

The sound of soldiers could be heard in the distance. From the rumble, it was a much larger contingent than the one they just had encountered.

Petra nodded and turned to Corwin. "Please, you're a sensible guy. Talk to whoever is in charge. Let them know we are trying to fix this."

"Come on!" Annelise said.

The others were almost all the way out of the gate. Petra gathered Jonathan and they fled with Annelise. But a second later, the toddler was waddling back to the pile of guards with his mom close behind attempting to drag him back. He slung his battle axe onto his back and said, "I like it. So pretty."

"You can just leave that here," Petra said.

"No."

"Listen to your mother."

"Come on!" Annelise yelled. They could see an army coming down the hill toward them.

"Fine, you can have it for now," Petra said, and Jonathan clapped his hands. They scurried away.

Corwin stood in awe of meeting his Lord in person, looking stunned from the encounter.

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