30 - Dictators and Democracy

Inside a tree, Who Knows

The lizerdlings were a bit of a misnomer. They were neither lizards nor anything that could be misconstrued as a "ling". Usually, fantasy creatures with names ending in ling were dainty miniature versions of another being. Halflings were essentially people about half the size of average people. Orclings were tiny little orcs about the size of a goblin. Dragonlings had a cute way of hopping about, breathing fire with tiny toots. Finally, jerklings were just that, small pixies that were well known to be the biggest assholes in all of Carnt.

Lizerdlings, however, were massive, one-eyed ogres with yellowing buck teeth and rancid breath that could wilt flowers. They were named after the great couple who ruled the tribe, Liz and Erd. Thus, lizerdlings were all the followers of Liz and Erd. When a pair of said ogres came across this peculiar game meat that walked on two legs instead of four, they decided to take it back to see if it was safe to eat.

However, before they got two steps towards their prey, another bipedal game meat, slightly taller than the first, but still only a fifth of the size of the lizerdling, stabbed the ogre with a glowing green thorn and caused a tremendous amount of pain for such a tiny little prick. The pair was definitely curious now, so they grabbed the two creatures and stuffed them into their belt pouches while they lumbered their way home.

The lizerdling village was deep in the forest where the trees were so large that each lizerdling had a home carved into the base of a trunk. Their captor's abode had a massive bed and a quilting station where the giant would weave huge quilts with very simplistic designs. Petra stood next to a square of cloth as big as her that was meant to be stitched into a more significant piece that was unfinished.

The ogre sat on his bed, rubbing the spot that Annelise had stabbed. Petra nodded to Annelise and then towards the hulking creature. "Maybe...I don't know. Offer to help him," she whispered.

"Why would I do that?" Annelise said. "They abducted us! Remember?"

"Clearly, your first approach wasn't helpful, so maybe try something different?"

"You want me to offer him the cure? I just stabbed him! You don't poison someone, then offer to sell them the cure!"

"Clearly, you don't work in pharmaceuticals."

"What?"

"Never mind, it's a dumb joke! It's my defense mechanism. Fine, if you don't want to do anything, I will."

Petra wandered over to the creature and said, "Hey, excuse me, Mr. guy. We don't mean to be rude, but we are in a rush. My son is out there in the woods all by himself and—"

The lizerdling looked back and forth and said, "Who said that?"

Petra waved at the being, and the one-eyed ogre peered down at her. Then, he pinched her backpack between his fingers and lifted her toward his single eye.

"What's this, then? You talk?" the creature said, and Petra gagged from the foul stench.

"Mouthwash. That's another thing I'm adding to the list of things that suck about the Middle Ages. It was before the invention of mouthwash."

"What?"

"Never mind," Petra said. "Look, we may not have gotten off to the strongest start – my friend stabbed you, and you nearly suffocated us. I say that makes us even."

"How was I supposed to know you needed to breathe?"

"You didn't see the arm waving around from the hole in the top of your belt pouch trying to get your attention?"

"I thought you were just playing around. You know, like a cat does? Sticks his paws in holes, he does."

"You have a cat?"

"I have three. They all live here in me tree. They go outside during the day to play, but at night, they all snuggle with me. It's adorable, it is."

Not wanting to meet the cat of such a gargantuan creature, Petra knew it was time to up her game and negotiate a way out of here. "Look, my friend is sorry she stabbed you."

"No, I'm not," Annelise said.

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"Either way," Petra gave Annelise a look, "she'll be happy to provide you the cure in exchange for letting us go."

"Why would I do that?" The lizerdling pondered.

"Because it may fester and cause your leg to fall off, for all you know."

"The poison would have killed a regular man," Annelise said.

"You're not helping!"

The giant chuckled, pointed to a bulbous scar on his leg, and said, "Poison? Is that all it is? Venom doesn't affect us lizerdlings. See that? That's the Viperous Venom Snake bite. It will boil a deer alive. Scabbed over in a couple days for me, then itched for maybe a week. That is the Terribly Poisonous Toad. Left a rash, that one. There's the Tree that Kills People. The Green Eagle of Death. The Fangy Thing—"

"Okay, okay, we get your point. Your immune system handles poison pretty well."

"Those aren't creative names," Annelise said.

"We lizerdlings aren't known for naming things. I'm called Clunk because I was clunked in the head by a rock as a kid. My partner is named Wood, after some wood."

"Well, how about this, Clunk?" Petra said. "You let us go, and we'll cut you in on a dragon hoard. We are tracking this dragon—"

"Dragons don’t—" Annelise said in confusion, and Petra shushed her. Most dragons had been hunted to near extinction by treasure hunters and knights seeking glory. However, what the treasure hunters didn't know about dragons was that they didn't sit on vast piles of wealth like depicted in the stories.

Dragons were more performance art collectors than anything. They'd prefer a night out at a small black box theatre featuring various traveling beat poets than collecting vast hoards. However, since avant-garde theatre venues rarely had seating sizable for the creatures, they would amass performance artists to do nightly shows in the dragon's lair.

The actors were forced into artistic servitude by a dragon all the way back to the first one who started the rumor about dragons and treasure in hopes of inspiring glory seekers to come to their aid. Unfortunately, their tale was so convincing that knights and treasure seekers alike hunted dragons nearly out of existence for what amounted to comp tickets at a black box show.

However, Clunk wasn't aware of the true history of dragons. Still, the myth was powerful enough to have traveled to a lizerdling village deep within the Woods of Volunar. He seemed to be thinking over what a dragon hoard could do for him when he finally said, "The coins are too small for me to spend them."

"So, melt them down into whatever you use for money," Petra said.

"We use pig fat," Clunk said. "Trade it for anything. Erd found a whole mess of pigs one day. Raided a whole farm. Got himself a double-wide tree and is the king of the whole village."

"You do know you can use the money to buy the pigs?"

Before the brute was able to respond, Wood came home and tromped toward one of the chairs at the table and sat down. The whole place shook when his butt collided with the chair. There was a very normal-sized, fuzzy gray house cat on his shoulder.

"Fluffy Butter Nupkins III!" Clunk said, dropped Petra, and ran to scoop up the kitty from his partner's shoulder. She was lucky that the halfling form was agile because she could tuck and roll to simultaneously avoid injuring herself and dodge being crushed by the creature's foot.

The cat purred and rubbed its head into Clunk's palm while he giggled with delight. Wood yawned and put his feet on the table and said, "Liz was busy, and Erd told me that he didn't know what they were. He said we should just eat them, then report back on what they taste like."

"They aren't any hog; I can assure you. Claims they are dragon hunters."

"Dragon hunters?!" Wood yelped. "But they are so small!"

"It's not the size that counts," Petra said. "A little wit will take you a long way."

"Blimey," Wood said. "They can talk. Whoever heard of prey that can talk?"

"I'm telling you," Clunk said, "I'm not so sure they are prey. They are like us, just smaller."

Wood roared with laughter. "Do you hear that? Clunk is the softy in this relationship. Thinks we should kill the pigs before boiling them."

"I don't like hearing their squealing."

"How else you going to separate the meat from the fat? Now, there won't be much fat on these two worth saving, but you might as well put the pot on and get it to boiling. I'm mighty hungry."

"But what about their dragon hoard?"

"The coin is too small to spend it."

"That's what I said, but they said you can buy pigs with it."

"Think, you clod, who will sell you the pigs? Now just boil the stew. I am getting hungry."

When it was clear that Petra wouldn't be negotiating for their release, the pair attempted to slip away. There was a crack in the front door, and they had almost made it out when Wood saw them and scooped Petra and Annelise up with one hand. They were dumped into a cage full of pigs near a massive boiling caldron.

Wood put a huge pan on top of the enclosure to prevent them from climbing out. Being boiled alive didn't sound like a fun way to go. At least not while her son was still lost in the woods where there was danger around every corner.

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