22 - A Barbarian Discovers Cheese Puffs

Toby’s Basement, The Next Day

Lovantus had discovered the most delightful snack, Cheetos. It was an unnatural orange color that had stained his fingers and clothes. Nonetheless, he couldn't help but lick his fingers. In between mouthfuls, he laid out his plan. "We must assault the Rat Nimbus in his lair. Right here."

He pointed to a map of the Beaver Town and left an orange stain on the paper. Toby had turned out to be an earth mage capable of creating documents from the light box in his basement. The townsfolk must also possess some degree of magical ability because they were all driving dwarven war machines like the Hyundai Accent that had gotten them to Toby's house.

In addition to its magic, the Beaver Town was wealthy. Average citizens lived in houses sized for royalty. Lovantus planned to take advantage of this situation and request an audience with the Beaver King. To seek allies in this place of wonder would genuinely provide a boon to his kingdom, whose subjects always seemed to be mad about something, even though Sir Grey said his approval rating was through the roof, despite no Sky Lord invasion on the horizon.

However, before he could seek an audience with the Beaver King, he would take care of the rat problem. If he could parade into the Beaver Town city hall with Nimbus's head on the tip of a spear, he would undoubtedly gain his audience. Luckily, the Beaver King turned out to be human. Last night, when Toby offered them his basement for slumber, he had turned on a magic painting that sprang to life with images of people.

At first, they thought it was a seeing stone, and Lovantus attempted to throw the magical item across the room, but his cursed small body couldn't lift the thing. He had ordered Bolt to destroy it, but by that time, Toby had insisted that it wasn't real, just wizarding cantrips of illusion and light.

It was on this box they had watched something Toby called a movie. By that time, Lovantus had known that it was merely magic because the peasants running away from these dragon beasts called "dinosaurs" didn't slay the fell creatures with swords. Any halfway decent knight could slay a dragon. Percy had killed three by the time he was sixteen. Lovantus would have probably killed at least one or two had he gone to proper knight school.

It was during this movie when Lovantus had first laid eyes on the Beaver King. He was a man of flesh and blood, with a yellow tunic displaying the words "Beaver Motors", and he screamed at his subjects about slashing prices on the dwarven war machines. It was no wonder the Beaver King had such a wondrous kingdom. He sold dwarven artifacts to the common man.

If Lovantus could just get an idea of where the master smiths were producing such wonders, perhaps he could strike a deal for his kingdom and bring Hyundai Accents to the people. However, before any of that, he had to prove himself as a warrior in this great land. It was time to visit an old nemesis and take down Nimbus once and for all.

"Do we know that's where Nimbus is located?" Percy asked.

"It was where Toby dropped off that satchel for his mom. No doubt a bribe to the guards of that keep to keep her alive," Zafosaul said.

"Yes, it is sickening indeed when a boy must bring a satchel full of goods worth his life's earnings to bargain for her life," Lovantus said. "We do this today!"

"But we don't have any weapons!" Bolt grumbled. "Not that I think I could hit anything with these dysfunctional eyes."

"You are still practiced at the crossbow," Suzy said. "More training than I ever got."

"Lords and Ladies," Lady Ameria interjected. "The Mistress of Water, Lakleria, will provide."

"My deity is absent from this place," Percy protested.

"Enough," Lovantus said. "We will strike hard and fast and use the weapons of guards we slay. We have gotten out of worse situations before. Remember the hobgoblin prison."

"It took me days to get the smell off my clothes," Sorsha said.

"I burned mine,” Zafosaul said.

"We had no weapons then," Lovantus said, "and insurmountable odds! Legions of enemies. Torturous jailors. Vile wargs hot on our trail. There is nothing we cannot achieve if we work together. Let's raid this vile keep and save Toby's mom!"

They roared with support and were about to charge up the stairs when Toby's mom came down with a tray of cookies. She smiled and said, "Toby said you all were sleeping here last night, so I thought I'd...oh, my God. Isn't he adorable? Look at those little cheeks smeared with Cheetos, and those little fingers..."

She pinched his cheeks and poked his fingers. Lovantus said, "All right. All right. That's enough, woman!"

Toby's mother stepped back and said, "Oh, my. You are articulate for a three-year-old. Petra, is he yours? I heard about you having a kid, but I never imagined...Mr. Jackson! What are you doing here?"

"You got me, love," Suzy said. "Ain't nothing happening in my life worth noting. Now, I'm here with the Silent Legion, can you believe that? And me dad said I'd never amount to anything."

"Mom!" Toby said at the top of the stairs. "I told you not to come down here."

"I'm just bringing this little guy cookies. Yes, I am. That is, if his mommy is okay with that."

Sorsha shrugged and said, "If my lord wants some, nothing will stop him from having one."

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"Isn't that right? Kids just take over your life. Yes, they do. They most certainly do." The woman pinched Lovantus's cheeks again.

"If you want to keep your hands, I suggest letting go right now," Lovantus growled.

"It looks like we have a big boy on our hands. Don't be so quick to grow up, mister. You'll miss the days when you can play all day."

"Mom," Toby said. "It's okay. I got this. You can go back to knitting."

"Don't yell at your mother," she said, and turned to Suzy. "I didn't even hear you come in, but whatever you have them doing, it's working. I haven't seen Toby this excited about a school project since...mmm...actually I've never seen him excited about a school project."

"Thanks, Mom," Toby said, and ushered her back up the stairs.

Once she was gone, the adventuring companions looked at the plate of cookies. Suzy shrugged and said, "If no one's going to eat them, then I certainly will."

"How did you save your mother, boy?" Lovantus said. "What deal did you strike with the vile Rat King Nimbus? What was in that satchel?"

"I'm telling you; it was her laptop." Toby shrugged. "Now, I'm pretty sure you're not doing drugs, and since you've never seen Jurassic Park , or even a movie for that matter, I'm guessing you aren't from around here."

"You are just now catching on!" Sorsha laughed. "Hear that? He just now figured it out."

Toby's face turned red. "Excuse me! Pot's legal here in Oregon! Not that I've tried it."

"Smoker’s weed cannot conjure such delusions," Zafosaul said. "It was magic. We were transported to these bodies by a sorcerer."

"So, like DnD shit?" Toby asked. "Man, I wish Tim was here. He knows way more about this kind of stuff than me. I've always been more of a science fiction nerd. Tim has been trying to get me to play, but, hello? The Force...light sabers? No comparison, right?"

"I downed three fiends wielding lightning swords with one shot," Bolt said.

"Right, okay. That's cool. Maybe I'll give DnD a try, but holy crap! How do I know you are the real deal, and not just, like, Petra pretending to be a rogue? I mean—"

"Because your friend Petra wouldn't have been willing to slit your throat," Sorsha said, and had the folding knife against the kid's neck before he could finish his thought.

"Let him go," Lovantus said, and the weapon seemed to disappear from her hand just as quickly as it had appeared. "While I do not know of this DnD of which you speak, if it helps get us home, then I am willing to listen."

"What about the Rat Nimbus?" Zafosaul asked. "I am ready to scorch the sewers and purge this city of his menace. I may not be able to wield magical fire, but I can still mix up Flame of the Greeks."

"Dude, while that sounds cool," Toby said, "it's liable to get you arrested if you set the sewers on fire."

"Wait? Is the Beaver King in league with the Rat warlord?!" Lovantus exclaimed.

"No, it's just that there is no rat or Beaver King. You are in the real world. You know, taxes, drive-through coffee. Most people's big decision of the day is whether to swipe right or left."

"I favor my left hand for my axe," Lovantus nodded.

"That's what I mean. You're out of your element here. Trust me, you can't solve problems here with knives or axes. Look, maybe I should take you on a tour. We can go to Multnomah Falls, Mount Hood."

"The executioner's mountain? Why is it called that? Is it because it is full of undead? I wouldn't mind slaying some fell creatures. It really clears the head."

"No, it's a volcano, east of here, can't miss it."

"Sounds like a grim place indeed."

"It's actually nice. Fun place for a day trip to get out into the woods for a while. Do some hiking."

"Why would you want to hike with undead?"

"I'll help you guys get back to your world, but you need to learn about ours first. It's Sunday, and probably your parents are worried about you. I mean, the parents of the people whose bodies you are inhabiting. Now, I got ahold of all of them and let them know you're with me for a school project. However, school starts on Monday, and all of you will be expected to be there. That gives me one day to make you passable. Mr. Jackson, er, Suzy, I don't know if you have any family. Do you have your phone?"

"What's that?" Suzy asked.

"Something like this?" Toby pulled a long shiny black stone out of his pocket and showed it to her.

"Nope, don't have one of those."

"Does anyone else have theirs?"

Sorsha pulled out a sleek white stone and said, "You mean one of these?"

"Yes, good, you all have one?"

The others murmured their confirmations.

"Great," Toby said. "I can cover for you for the weekend, but your parents might need a call from you. I'll tell you what to say. Meanwhile, you need to follow my instructions. When Monday rolls around, you'd better be ready for high school."

"We've explored the depths of the darkest dungeons," Lovantus said. "I'm sure we will be fine."

"You haven't been to high school. It's a different kind of brutal," Toby said.

"Very well. Train us to survive this place you call high school."

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