36 - Necromancers Are from Mars, Women Are So Going to Kick Your Ass

All-Seeing Tower, 28 Days After the Festival

Jenny inspected the three hard sot magical items on her bed while Fweb stood at her side. From right to left, it was Greglorak's staff, followed by the Lute of the Dead, made from bones, and finally Jewel's Jewel, a ring with an enormous yellow sapphire. The Jewel was a magical item associated with 90's folk sensation Jewel. The Earth version of the singer's history said that she lacked housing , playing music from the car, but the reality was that she was High Priestess of a soft rock musical secret order caught in a magical explosion that had deposited her on Earth.

Other artists who had arrived during the disaster were Los del Rio, Donna Lewis, Joan Osborne, Natalie Merchant, the Goo Goo Dolls, Dishwalla, one Gin Blossom, Hootie & two of the Blowfish, the drummer of Collective Soul, and Alanis Morissette. The line "A magical explosion on your initiation day" was cut from the song "Ironic" by Alanis's producers. The record company also requested rewrites of several potential hit songs like, "What if river trolls walked among us?", "Tell me what you think about river trolls", and "Macarena and killing river trolls". The latter being an instructional song to teach acolytes of the order a collective ritual spell to control the river troll problem constantly plaguing the order.

"I don't understand, miss," Fweb asked. "What are these supposed to do?"

"It's not what they do individually," Jenny said, "but what they do in conjunction with each other, which I wouldn't have had to use except my idiot apprentice can't follow instructions. How hard is it to get a bunch of scared children to follow you around?! Anyway, you already know what the staff does."

"I figured that out when I disintegrated my mate, Grekka, after you asked me to hide it for you."

"I'm sorry about that. I should have warned you."

"You must be joking, mistress. Incineration is a great way for a goblin to go. We are usually disemboweled by our masters. Having your mate be the one to off you in the end, well, there is nothing better, unless it was your child, I suppose."

"Remind me to put better working conditions for underlings on my to-do list when I take control of this place."

"You'd really do that for us?"

"Trust me. I've taken Strength-Based Management Workshops, and you can increase productivity by at least 12%. In addition, you'd be six times less likely to leave me for another necromancer in a supportive work environment. So, I'd really be doing it for me."

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

"Well, you have our support, mistress. The other goblins are ready to do your bidding. The distraction you ordered is already underway. We have Motar reading Duke his bedtime story."

***

Meanwhile, in the Dark Lord's bed chambers, Pip hummed a tune while she rubbed Duke's back like she did when he was a toddler. Motar had The Silent Legion Death picture book opened and was reading it to the drowsy dark lord, "Lo-Lo-Lo-Lovantus impaled on a spike. Percy falls off a—a—a—a d—d—d—"

"Dike! Percy falls off a dike!" Duke snapped. "Where's Fweb?"

"Cut him a break," Pip said. "His partner wandered too close to the magma pit."

"I know who else I'd like to throw in the magma pit," Duke muttered.

"Oy! I'm your mother!"

"I was talking about the orc, Mom!"

"Dike! Dike! Percy falls off a dike! A rock caves in Bolt's sk—sk,"

***

Back in Jenny's room, the pair continued their scheming.

"So, you have the disintegration staff," Jenny explained. "Then there is the Lute of the Dead, whose song pulls souls from the underworld and puts them under the thrall of any bard who dares to pluck its strings woven from human hair. Then the Ring of the Undying protects you from death once every twenty-four hours."

"Why twenty-four? Why not all the time?" Fweb asked. He felt more secure asking questions around the Moon Mage Jenny than his previous master. Being hung by his own intestines had been a significant deterrent for any meaningful conversation with his superiors.

"Maybe it has to charge. I'm not sure. In any case, it will protect me from dying when I combine the power of Jewel's Jewel with the staff and the lute."

"What will happen then?"

Jenny smiled and said, "Just you watch."

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