32 - How to Stop Questing and Start Living

Petra’s Living Room, Mid-November

Lovantus hated daycare. All the teachers talked down to him as if he were a drooling, snot-nosed cretin. Then, when Lady Sorsha would pick him up at the end of the day, they would have a chat with her about his behavioral problems, such as when he presented a raised middle finger to a woman asking him to identify a clearly green color. Toby had told him the middle finger (aka the bird) was Beaverton's signal for "don't bother me", after a guy gave them the bird after the party had walked out into traffic.

The rest of the fellowship weren't doing any better. Zafosaul was forced to speak to a counselor after yelling at a kid punching him in the back for amusement. Apparently, one cannot threaten to blow this school and everyone in it asunder, according to the watchmen who call themselves the FBI. Zafosaul was in jail while the terrorist threat was assessed.

Percy and Lovantus's sweet Ameria seemed to have the least trouble at the gauntlet of fortitude and perseverance called high school. The people there worshiped them and assumed that their accents were merely practicing for a senior trip to a faraway land called England . It was hard, though, for Lovantus to see the bright, shining light of his life in the arms of another.

Bolt seemed to have it the worst. In prison, Zafosaul could gouge the eyes of his cellmate and be given his own room. Unfortunately, the Dwarven crossbowman not only couldn't see that well, but apparently was on the lower end of the pecking order. He attempted to say hello to Percy in the hallway, and the gentleman escorting the paladin to class said, "Get away from her, nerd," and stuffed Bolt into a trashcan.

The Dwarf considered slashing the Achilles tendon of his attacker but thought how swiftly the local authorities had arrived when Zafosaul threatened to blow up the school. So, he wisely kept his weapons at home. But, unfortunately, without crossbows, and having a body too frail to be of any use in combat, he was prey in the den of jackals known as high school.

The Beaver King of Beaver Town had turned out to be a flimflam man, selling sub-par dwarven battle machines. The Beaver King attempted to sell Sorsha an inferior war cruiser called a Porsche missing a roof. No one of sound mind would willingly expose themself to archers and boiling oil when they drove into battle. It was far inferior to the Hyundai Accent that couldn't even be penetrated by arrows.

The hardest part about their plan to integrate with the forsaken society was dealing with their borrowed bodies' parents. Percy had no idea what Dancing with the Stars was, but he had evidently committed a slight on the honor of his household when he had failed to watch it with his mom . However, Percy, always of impeccable moral character, was ready to pay the price of dishonor with his life and was now enrolled in something called therapy .

This so-called therapist was not worth a single gold piece when he clearly did not understand that the real threat to the land was the necromancer and his minions of evil. This quack, called a mental health professional, thought Percy should attempt to reconnect with his inner child and forge new bonds of friendship with his mother. Despite the technological wonder of the clockwork automatons this world had produced, they had a very flimsy understanding of magic.

Even their mightiest sorceress, named Alexa, didn't know anything about wizardry and witchcraft. So, based on Toby's instructions, he had asked, "Sorceress Alexa, will you tell me how to get home?"

To which she had responded, "You are about 7 minutes and 39 seconds away from home. Would you like me to map you directions?"

"No, no, home to Carnt."

"Loading Cards Against Humanity ."

"I want to go home! This is the worst place I've ever been."

"Playing ' Sloop John B ' by the Beach Boys on Amazon music."

The sorceress in the infernal machine would only get worse from there. The only saving grace was that the parents of this Petra that Sorsha inhabited were largely absent most of the day. The mother, Claire, was rarely at home, which meant they could speak freely, except for a few slip-ups while Claire was there when Sorsha would get a glance or be asked, "Is everything okay?"

She would respond with the answer Toby had given them to say if an adult looked at them funny. "It's for our game."

The LARPing excuse seemed to satisfy most people. Like when Zafosaul ate food that was for cats and that he had mistaken to be ground up feline. Elves were famous for their kitty delicacies. Or when Sorsha pulled a knife on playground equipment she mistook to be a dragon swallowing children whole.

The worst part of their integration into society was the cursed Barry and his infuriating concubine, Beatty. The man would come to "see his grandson", and the inane conversation would be infused with, "My, oh my, somebody's anxious to grow up." Then they would blow something called a raspberry on his belly and would make him laugh a wee bit, which, of course, he'd turn immediately back to a scowl.

What irritated Lovantus the most was that no one, save his party, believed he was a man trapped in a kid's body. People in this Beaver Town never listened to kids. They didn't even hear what he was saying most of the time. Did they value kids so little that they could not treat him as if he were a person?

"Ah hah!" Sorsha said and pulled Lovantus out of his pouting. Toby and the others would often come over to Petra's house after school because the lack of adult figures would let them speak freely. However, tonight, Bolt was stuck at something called choir practice for his church. Percy was at some hedonist jamboree called cheerleading. Ameria was off playing war games in this peculiar ritual called football that involved neither feet nor a ball. So that left Sorsha, Toby, and Suzy.

The barmaid seemed to have the easiest time of them all fitting in. As a teacher at the school, she would tell stories about drunken tavern patrons or lead the students in rousing sea shanties during class, and they seemed to love her. When they had figured out where her apartment was by using this wizard's mark called a "driver's license," Suzy said that she had lived alone, so there was no one to notice her accent. Her students didn't care as long as they were singing sea shanties.

They were a little lucky in regards to their accents. Since Ameria and Percy were the most famous people in their school, people began to assume that all their accents were a bit of a trend amongst teenagers – trying to sound like they were from another country. Soon, the whole school was doing it. Which helped them even more because their native accents seemed to parallel the various peoples of this land.

The Traldalorians spoke with what was regarded as an English accent. Zafosaul was assumed to be French. Bolt was Scottish, and Percy was South African. And the halflings were something called Russian, which also seemed to be the theme of this place Toby liked called the Communist Party, which had exotic food like pizza and burgers. It also had odd games for something called tickets that could be exchanged for stuffed creatures and plush Stalins.

The people of this world lived for the amusement of themselves. Their heads were tilted downward to these mind control devices called smartphones and didn't see the trees, the hills, and the mountain of the Hood. They had a zombie-, orc-, and necromancer-free world, yet they seemed to find any way they could to retreat from it.

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Lovantus almost wished the Rat King Nimbus really had enslaved these people because it would at least explain why everyone seemed so disconnected. It was easier to rally people to fight a foe they could see than a threat they felt was there but couldn't name. There was something wrong with this world that went beyond daycare or high school, and he couldn't figure out what.

"What did you find?" Lovantus asked Sorsha. Toby had taught them to use a magic library called the Google. They had been searching its digital halls for a way home.

"There is a secret society," Sorsha said.

"Bah! We found one of those secret orders marked only by Greek letters, and they seemed to be more interested in beer than magic," Lovantus said. Bolt, Percy, and Ameria had showed up at something called a fraternity that seemed to be a secret, ritualistic order with deep roots going way back to the country's founding, according to their "web page". Bolt got stuffed into another trashcan, and the other two would have been asked to leave if it weren't for the drunken members of the order making passes at Percy.

"Or those people with the funny little hats. They were nice old chaps," Suzy said. She had gone to something called a Masonic lodge where they wore these red caps, and many had seen too many winters to be very useful in battle. The kindly, sage people offered no wisdom into the Legion's predicament, but invited them to something called a potluck.

"Here me out," Sorsha said. "This group is different. This group claims to be disciples of a moon mage of Carnt."

"Moon mage?" Lovantus said. "There are no moon mages."

"But they have gotten other things right. They know about the Frost Giants of Fellhaven."

The Frost Giants of Fellhaven were a particularly nasty tribe who lived in the Twilight Kingdom. It was one of the only lands that remained neutral to the Sky Lord. The land was unforgiving and brutal to conquer, so all manner of the feared and the hunted, be they human or creature, arrived in Fellhaven. It was rumored that a lich presided as king, and the undead kept the rogues gathered in the city from killing each other. Either way, it was a place where most mortals did not tread.

Sorsha presented the laptop to Lovantus. He read the description of a moon mage that had traveled to Fellhaven to find the lost Helfran relic. It detailed the account of running afoul of the Frost Giants and almost being killed through the breaking of every bone in her body, one at a time, which was a favored tactic of the cruel beings. There were even pictures of the moon mage, what Lovantus now knew to be selfies, and she displayed what he knew as peace symbols.

However, what most struck Lovantus was not the story or even the pictures. Reports can be passed around, and a good artist can draw any scenery they'd like. Instead, it was a detail in one of the photos of Fellhaven. The photo featured the moon mage pointing toward the ice wall. Behind her shoulder was the braid of Lovantus's and Ameria's hair sealed in ice.

Since the great ice wall that surrounded Fellhaven was said to have been there before the city was built and would still be there should the city fall, lovers would freeze braids of their hair in the wall to symbolize their love lasting forever. Lovantus knew it was their hair because it was tied with a rare Helfran hair piece called a scrunchie that he had battled the Many Eyes of Death on the Cragolith Mountain summit to obtain.

This so-called wizard must have known about the time they had eloped, or she wouldn't have pointed it out in the picture. Lovantus and his love were much younger when they were in Fellhaven before they thought about confronting the Sky Lord and the kingdom. Bards did not sing of their secret wedding in Fellhaven because Lovantus had officially married during a ceremony that was mostly for show after defeating the necromancer.

Before the Silent Legion existed, Ameria's order would not see one of their own tromping about with a brute such as himself. She had invented an entire story about needing unique ingredients for a healing spell that could only be gathered in Fellhaven and requiring protection only a sellsword could provide. It would be a dishonor for the king's men to go there, so get the barbarian from the arena to do it and send in the lowest maid from the order to go.

It was their first time away and alone with each other. The tale of their trip to Fellhaven was never known to anyone, yet here was a picture to show the moon mage was there. Suppose this moon mage had commissioned an artist to draw a moment in time with such detail. In that case, they must really have been to Fellhaven and also knew that Lovantus and Ameria were there.

"Who drew these photos?" Lovantus demanded.

Toby shrugged and said, "No one. I mean, they're photos. Watch, I can do one right now."

Toby pulled out his magical phone device to throw his voice long distances with the wind. He clicked a button and flipped it around. It was incredible. A tiny wind wizard inside the object must have drawn not only the room in exact detail, but also the bodies they were inhabiting. Lovantus saw the angelic child's face that stared back at him in the mirror every day.

"Incredible," Sorsha said, and grabbed the phone. "Can you imagine if we had one of these when we infiltrated the Spider Queen's lair? Can my phone do that?"

"It certainly can!" Toby said, and Sorsha soon began to snap photos with her phone and gazed at them in wonderment.

"I'm doing magic!" Sorsha said.

"I wish I had a phone," Suzy pouted. "This Mr. Jackson has a phone bill, but no phone."

"There will be time for this later," Lovantus scolded. "Obviously, this moon mage is from this world, being that she can cast the same spells as you, Toby. We must find these disciples of hers."

"Hold on," Suzy said. "Scroll up to the top of the page. See that symbol? It's in me room where I sleep every night. I have a little shrine to it, I do. Has himself a shrine, but no phone."

She pointed to a symbol at the top of the page depicting a full moon with a dagger and an arrow on either side. Underneath the mark, it read "Moon Mages Guild".

"Why didn't you tell us this before?!" Lovantus squealed.

"I didn't know what it was," Suzy replied with a shrug. "Thought it was a place setting. You know, a plate with a fork and spoon, except this was an arrow and a dagger."

"Who would eat with an arrow and a dagger?!"

"You've never been poor, have you? Sometimes you eat with a dagger because that's all you got."

"You mean the poor in my kingdom don't have forks?"

"Mostly we use our hands. Makes it gross to eat sometimes after scrubbing the latrines all day."

"When we return, and oh, yes, we will return, you mark my words, I will ensure that every man, woman and child--"

"And non-binary genders."

"Yes, those, too...will have forks. We will be a kingdom of forks! Now, Lady Sorsha, we must make haste and seek out this Moon Mages Guild."

"Maybe we start with my apartment first?" Suzy said. "Might be a clue there."

"We will not rest until we turn over every stone in this Beaver Town. We will find this—"

"Already joined their Facebook group," Toby said, and clicked on his phone. "Hey, guys, new member here. I have some travelers from Carnt. They want to talk to you."

Toby uploaded the photo he took of the group. His phone dinged a few seconds later.

"Sweet, they are meeting up at the Communist Party this weekend. Who wants to get some pizza?" Toby said.

Lovantus buried his head in his hands. He wasn't sure how much more fun and games he could take.

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